If you were a car door, I’d slam you all night long.
Start Your Engines (for Exceptional Car Sex)
Car sex has all the elements of a thrilling fuck — urgency, risk and the undeniable teenage nostalgia that comes along with it. We’ve all awkwardly slid into the passenger seat or been jabbed in the thigh by a gear stick while trying to climb over the center console of a motor vehicle for the sake of sex. For some of us, car sex was the holy grail of our high-school hookups. But car sex shouldn’t just be reserved for teens. In fact, a study based on search engine data showed more than 6,600 Americans Google “how to have sex in a car” every month. Before you go giving or getting some rev-worthy road head, here are five things you should know first.
1. Cars Are for Quickies
Car sex should be all about speed. If you’re looking for a longer lovemaking session, save it for somewhere that’s actually comfortable. Unless leg cramps and backaches are your fetish, of course. Car sex should be reserved for fast and furious lunch-break sex or a quick romp on the side of the highway during a road trip. Car sex inherently comes with a sense of urgency because nothing kills a boner quicker than getting a citation for indecency.
2. In The Rear
Everyone thinks car sex is all about doing it in the passenger seat, but the rear of the vehicle is going to offer you the smoothest ride. Maximize the minimal space by sitting in the middle of the backseat and having your partner straddle you. Getting it on this way means she’s not going to end up whacking her elbow on the door or sitting on a gear stick that isn’t yours.
3. Crack a Boner (And a Window)
Car windows are a catch-22 when it comes to sex in a vehicle. If you keep the windows up, you’re guaranteed to have the hottest sex of your life. Steamy, active bodies in a small space with no air is just going to overheat both of your engines before you cross the finish line. Crack a window at least a fraction, or you’ll find yourself role-playing that scene in Titanic where Rose’s hand drags down the steamy window. While that might sound sexy in theory, fogged-up windows on a Prius that’s rocking side-to-side is a dead giveaway for an off-road romp. Wind the windows down a little, but be aware that noise travels. We suggest keeping the dirty torque to a minimum.
4. Eau De Car Sex
Sex has an unmistakable smell, and it’s a scent that can linger. Sure, it’s a fragrance we love, but try to avoid smelling like a walking wet patch, if you can. Lower the windows afterward, and enjoy the post car-sex glow, making sure to give yourselves plenty of time to air out before you go from missionary to your next mission. Having a quickie in a cramped space is bound to get you sweating like you’re being hightailed by the cops. If you think car sex might be in your future, keep a few toiletries in the glove compartment, like hand sanitizer, deodorant, lube, face wipes and condoms.
5. Times Change
Let’s be real. Car sex when you were a horny teenager was fun because sex was new and exciting — and you had nowhere else to do it. But times change, and our expectations of comfort evolve as we age, so don’t be shocked if you find car sex as an adult surprisingly hard work … tire-ing, even.
With that being said, variety is the spice of life, so clean the Tic Tacs and crushed Cheerios out of your seats and go christen your Civic.
Hey, you can christen your European sports car, should that be an option for you as well. The magazine used LaSirena69 (Pet of the Month, February, 2021) to illustrate this article at publication, so we kept up with that theme here as well. Of course we decided to “enhance” our car sex extravaganza with a few quick shots of Angela White, the current (October, 2021) Pet of the Month too — because we really, really like Ferraris, of course.
