Because We're All Qualified to Give It
My wife and I are about to hit our five-year anniversary. We have a beautiful toddler son and our daughter is due in November. My wife has been my rock and a great life partner. However, our sex life has been a constant exercise of misinterpretation of bodily cravings. Foreplay: I like to give; however, she is self-conscious and doesn’t like to receive. I’m not a fan of handjobs, but she prefers to give them. We are limited to missionary due to my length and her body’s curvature. We’ve tried to spice things up by using toys and even watching soft-core porn. Neither yielded much change. My question is, can sexual compatibility be attained five years into a marriage, or are we finished products as sexual partners? Thank you for your time and advice.
Congrats on five years of marriage and for raising a great family. We all know how much work relationships and children take. It’s great that you tried using toys and porn to help out with getting sexually comfortable. It’s a really great first step, and it’s a very positive thing that you can be open with each other. Some couples can’t do that. I think your wife needs to address her issues with her self-consciousness independently, maybe even though therapy.
There is little you can do, though, because it’s a personal issue she needs to handle on her own. Aside from that, maybe you can ask for a blowjob instead of a handjob? It’s more intimate and good place to start. If she is open to it, it might help her open up a little and maybe turn her on. If missionary is the only position possible due to physical issues, then you guys have to get really creative. Get kinky! Go to a sex shop and buy some goodies: a ball-gag, a blindfold, etc. I know your wife is pregnant right now, but after she gives birth, maybe you guys need to do some MDMA together. Therapists used to use this stuff to help couples all the time. Just make sure you are taking pure MDMA and not some garbage. Good luck!
Leah: First off, I’m a HUGE fan of Married to the Mob. I’ll forever remember your MEN ARE THE NEW WOMEN stickers I had plastered all over my things in college.
Secondly, after reading your piece on Asia Argento and Anthony Bourdain, I felt like, “Oh my God, she’s saying what I’ve always thought, but didn’t have the balls to say.” So, I feel like you, more than most of the women in my life, can offer me your point of view on this situation.
Up until about last week, I was carrying on an affair with my married boss. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but it was fun as hell and I just didn’t care enough about “not doing that” to another woman. It wasn’t as though I pursued him, it was just a growing flirtation over the span of months that finally manifested into some of the most fun, risky, and very public sex I’ve had in my life.
I like to consider myself a progressive woman, forward-thinking and steadfast in my belief that women are sexual beings and should experiment to our hearts’ content. That is partly why I felt no guilt about this affair. I wasn’t even looking for anything more out of him. I just wanted the fun, the danger, and the excitement. (Prior to this, I was in a six-year monogamous relationship.)
Am I a terrible person for not feeling any guilt about this affair? I had always been taught that we women have to stick together. But I wasn’t trying to break them up, I was just there for the good times and good dick. Shouldn’t that burden of guilt ultimately fall on the man who made the vows and commitment?
Girl, guilt is a completely useless emotion. I totally get it. It sounds like a hot situation. And of course it makes it extra hot that it’s “wrong.” There is no reason for you to feel guilty. He should feel guilty, even though he probably doesn’t. It is not your job to keep a man faithful. The burden of guilt and shame should absolutely fall on him. Listen, I’m not saying to go around and be a home-wrecker. Fucking a married person isn’t the best thing, but it’s also not the worst. Unless, of course, the wife finds out, goes insane, and tries to make your life a living hell. Just know that the possibility of it getting messy is very real. I’m kind of terrified of love triangles. Love and sex make people do very crazy things. So just stay drama-free. Good times and good dick are excellent until that dick’s wife finds out. Stay aware and stay safe.
I’m 23, I’m dating a girl I really like, and I have a good job, but for some reason I can’t be happy. I smoke a lot of pot, but I haven’t had a drink since college because I’ve realized it’s terrible for my health (I’m Type 1 diabetic). I know your story with your brand: You made the most of a shitty situation and that’s awesome. I guess I just want to hear your thoughts on how to be happy.
How to be happy? Wow! I think that is the quest everyone is after. No one feels happy all the time. Today, I’m not very happy. It happens. But to feel unsatisfied every day is a very different story. I think we all need to manage our expectations of our moods. Once I accepted that I wasn’t going to feel great all the time I felt a lot better. It takes the pressure off me. When I have a bad day, like today, I just remind myself that it won’t last forever. Tomorrow I get to start over and so do you. I try to exercise every day. It is really helpful. It’s actually a game-changer. I box and do SoulCycle. I’ve been on Lexapro for ten years. I try to stay away from shitty people and toxic relationships as much as I can, which is challenging in a city like New York, because it’s crawling with assholes. I just try to be honest with myself and with others about who I am. This makes me happy. Living in truth as much as possible is really freeing. Maybe you need to go deeper? You need to examine what it is that’s missing for you. Sometimes a good job and a great relationship don’t mean shit if there’s something missing within. So, I say search, and go read the Bhagavad Gita. XOXO
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