He’s sold nearly a million copies of his two stand-up comedy CDs, but Dane Cook is hardly a household name. That’s about to change.
Under the Radar
“Save it for the stage.” That was the sage advice the late Milton Berle once gave during an interview. “You don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time,” he said. “Save your energy for the stage.” That’s exactly what Dane Cook is doing while holding court backstage after a show at the Sovereign Bank Arena in Trenton, New Jersey. Clad in a well-worn Maine Lobster T-shirt, faded jeans, and scuffed black boots, Cook is stone-still as he relaxes in a folding chair. He’s only 15 minutes removed from the vigorous workout that is his hour-plus stand-up set. He didn’t just kill on this night — he obliterated. Cook’s loyal and rabid fan base not only loved his new material, but they also lost it whenever their hero performed some of their favorite bits, such as, “We all want to leave behind a legacy. We all want to be remembered for something …. I saw a young boy and he was eating an ice cream cone. I ran up. I smashed it into his face. And I leaned in and I said, ‘You remember me forever.’ And I ran away. Because you know when he’s 50, he’s going to be like, ‘One day a man ran up to me. I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eyes. He pointed and he said, ‘You fucking remember me forever.’ But I did not say ‘fucking.’ He added ‘fucking’ to make the story more intense and interesting. He deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face because he’s a lying 50-year-old man. I did not say ‘fucking.’”
About a quarter of the 3,000 fans in the audience leapt from their seats the second they heard the word legacy from the opening line of this bit. They knew what was coming. They shimmied and flashed the SU-Fl, or SUperFlnger, hand gesture that Cook invented (the ring finger is coupled with the middle finger).
Fans feed off of Cook’s perpetual-motion persona — he chews up the stage in hungry strides back and forth, to and fro, with wild arm gestures and sudden verbal ejaculations. He mentions snakes that can spit venom, then erupts, “I want that! I want acidy spit! I’d use that!” Cook has so much energy on stage, it’s almost surprising to see him at rest after the show. The only part of him racing now is his enviable mind. He reflects quietly on his career, and the business and art of comedy. Then he locks on to a thought close to his heart and shifts gears, his words coming as quickly as the “Dane Train,” which is what he dubs his career momentum.
“I don’t write anything down. I haven’t written a piece of material since 1996. I don’t keep any notes. When it’s time to do the show, I just take experiences that gave me my little tickle. I know my rhythms, my cadence.”
The Dane Train is currently moving at the speed of sound. And the sound is cha-ching! The 34-year-old Cook is touring behind his second disc, Retaliation, which has gone gold. The disc dropped in July 2005 and was approaching 400,000 units sold by November, without much touring or marketing behind it. Since stand-up albums generally sell about as well as caffeinated beer, the success of Retaliation has turned more than a few industry heads.
Cook launched his career as the comedy boom of the eighties was crashing, but he was relentless, working every night of the week. He doesn’t remember taking a night off during his 15-year ascent, and all the gigs at Chinese restaurants, seedy dives, and empty clubs have yielded big dividends. Dane Cook has arrived, and he’s here to stay.
It’s so rare for comics to have a gold album. What do you attribute your success to?
Dane: My connection with the fans. They’re the ones that have been lining up to see me. They’re the ones that helped me build a foundation. I’ve been doing stand-up for 15 years. I can tell you, when Harmful If Swallowed came out, two years prior to Retaliation, I had people email me every day: “We’re having listening parties. I’m burning your disc, and I’m giving it to people.”
It took on a life of its own because of the fans, who have been so supportive. How do you get a gold album? People went out and bought it right away. That’s my fan base. It feels incredible.
Retaliation is the first comedy disc to debut in the top five since Steve Martin’s Wild and Crazy Guy in 1978.
Dane: It’s amazing. Having listened to that Steve Martin album when I was younger, it’s beyond my imagination what’s happening now. I met him eight months ago, and it was one of my greatest moments in comedy. I was doing a show in New York for Lorne Michaels. When I came offstage, my friend was like, “Dude, Lorne Michaels brought Steve Martin down!” I just had one of the best half-hour sets of my life, and he saw it. He was wonderful. I got to talk to him for about 15 minutes about comedy. He was very gracious. I immediately called my cell phone to remind myself of certain things he said. It was really awesome.
You’re moving into film by way of stand-up, just like Martin did.
Dane: I am. I always wanted to be a comedian. I knew it would be my battering ram to take me anywhere. Getting on stage every night [in Los Angeles], there are directors and producers who become fans. They want you to create something for what they’re working on.
There must be certain bits in your head that you can’t tell by yourself on stage.
Dane: That’s exactly it. I have set pieces that require more than one person. I’m looking forward to doing Employee of the Month. It’s a straight comedy film, which is completely in my wheelhouse. It’s closest to what I do on stage. I’m starring in that film and two others.
You also shot the pilot for your sitcom vehicle, Cooked.
Dane: We shot that on spec, and we’re shopping that now. It’s a single-camera show like Curb [Your Enthusiasm] and Malcolm in the Middle. It captures my stand-up voice. I play myself, like Jerry Seinfeld did and Larry David does. It’s a look inside my insane world. If I want to do a heist, or watch a guy get hit by a car and brag about it, that’s what we’ll do. The only thing is, we’ll have to cross 15 hurdles in order to get it done.
What’s the greatest perk of going gold?
Dane: Just knowing that I can walk anywhere I want and I can get on stage. I can perform anywhere and everywhere. That’s something you want to earn as a comic. It’s great to go to a club and know that you’re next.
Do you ever tell women, “You might not know me, but my disc has gone gold and I’m going to be huge?”
Dane: I need to be like Flavor Flav and wear that gold record around my neck.
To try to score with women?
Dane: I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to throwing that card on the table. But people who know me know that when I do a show, I come in — boom — and go. When I’m not doing stand-up, I get away from it entirely. I’m not at the clubs or bar-hopping.
Who needs the party circuit when you’re seriously involved with Katie Holmes, which the world learned after you jumped all over Jimmy Kimmel’s couch declaring your love for her?
Dane: [Laughs] That week I was watching Oprah and I saw Tom Cruise profess his love for Katie on her show, and I knew what I would do on Kimmel that week. Once I saw him freak out, it was like, Okay, I got it. I know exactly what I want to do there. I’ve been excited about girls digging me, but I never jumped on a couch over it.
Any feedback from Tom or Katie?
Dane: No. But I did get feedback from people who worked with him. Directors and producers contacted me. I got feedback like, “Dude, you nailed him. That’s exactly how he is on the set.” I did get a lot of feedback that I emulated him correctly.
Forget about Katie and Cruise. You went lip-to-cheek — butt cheek — with Charlize Theron, arguably the perfect babe, on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
Dane: I didn’t know I would do that until six or seven minutes before I went on. I never met her. I was thinking about what I would do in the greenroom. Then I heard her start talking about the Shirley Maclaine tribute. They showed the clip of her kissing Shirley MacLaine’s ass. The joke was me trying to kiss Charlize Theron’s ass. I thought if I could go out there and say, “You’re beautiful and you’re great. I know I’m kissing your ass here,” I thought I would get the big laugh and she would wag her finger at me, No, no, no. The audience would go, “Ha-ha.”
Then all of a sudden, her ass was in my face. She jumped up and stuck her butt out before I could even milk it.
There’s no way to resist that.
Dane: Resist? I couldn’t. I went inside.
And?
Dane: She smelled like Froot Loops. I don’t know why, but there was a very Froot Loopy-smell. She was hopping. She was completely gung ho. I told her on break, “If we don’t make Access Hollywood, I don’t know what to say.” After the show when we were backstage, she was completely cool.
Is there anyone more beautiful?
Dane: It kind of hurts to look at her. She’s so amazing. It reminds me of one time I saw a prostitute in New York City, and she was so pure and not made up and gorgeous. I was like, I could love her.
What happened when you found out it was a guy?
Dane: [Laughs] No, it was a drive-by fantasy moment. Charlize is amazing. If you think she looks great on TV, she’s stunning in real life.
Speaking of drive-bys, you did The Tonight Show with Snoop Dogg.
Dane: I’ve done three things with Snoop: I was [also] on MTV with him, and I did the Bar Mitzvah Bash at Comedy Central. Snoop and me go way back.
How is partying with Snoop?
Dane: He’s the epitome of cool. He’s cool like Sam Jackson. Cool comes out of Snoop’s pores.
Much of your fan base is made up of college students and twentysomethings. How did you cultivate it?
Dane: My dad said, “If you want fans forever, play colleges.” He was right. What you discover in those years stays with you for the rest of your life. Those experiences are important. I’ll always have a fan base regardless of what happens in my career. I cultivated it by connecting with the fans through my Website. I hang with fans after shows.
But you just said that you split after shows.
Dane: I always do meet-and-greets after shows, and then I split. I don’t hang around and drink.
Lots of entertainers hate meet-and-greets.
Dane: I always felt the opposite. If you want to get elected, you should shake hands and meet people. You should hear their opinions. I like to get to know people after the show. I’m always aware [that] people are paying too much for their ticket, paying for the valet, paying for the baby-sitter. They’re paying for their two drinks. They don’t only want to get entertained. If they can meet you, that makes them feel great for a minute to say, “Hey, thank you.” That’s important to me.
How often have you taken the opportunity to score cute coeds?
Dane: I’m not going to lie. There were many years when I would partake and enjoy meeting people after the show, particularly lovely ladies.
“[Charlize Theron’s ass] smelled like Froot Loops. I don’t know why, but there was a very Froot Loop-y smell. She was hopping. It kind of hurts to look at her. She’s so amazing.”
Are you still doing it?
Dane: I’m not Pauly Shore-ing it.
What’s the best town for babes?
Dane: Tempe, Arizona. All of that warm weather must attract unbelievably beautiful women. It was crazy there. Very friendly. Miami is great, but Tempe is outrageous.
Your stand-up is all over the place.
Dane: It’s true. It’s hard to break it down since my stand-up is so random. There are so many different elements to it.
When you perform, it seems almost spontaneous, like it’s not planned.
Dane: I don’t write anything down. I haven’t written a piece of material since 1996. I don’t keep any notes. When it’s time to do the show, I just take experiences that gave me my little tickle. I know my rhythms, my cadence.
Fans tend to yell out phrases from your bits during your shows. Does that bother you?
Dane: For years I couldn’t stop quoting Steven Wright. Every time someone said, “It’s a small world,” I would say, “But I wouldn’t want to paint it.” [Dave] Chappelle is an example of someone who went through a rough time. Dave is so brilliant and so good at what he does that people latched on to so much of what he said. Then he started doing shows, and people would yell out, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” It’s a blessing and a curse. The key is, I want to do something that people can remember, repeat, and enjoy and love. They yell it back out at you in celebration of you. You said this thing, and it makes them laugh. “I’m Rick James, bitch!” is a perfect example of this. It starts to hurt you as a performer — the very thing you put out there, it almost takes away from your progress. You don’t want to get stuck in that one time of your career. That’s why I’m constantly moving forward. Every time I go out, there will be at least a half hour of new stuff there.
Comics have to do the “best of” bits, kind of like a rock band has to play its big hit.
Dane: Yes, it’s like seeing [Bruce] Springsteen and you want to hear “Thunder Road.” I get it. When I’m up on stage., I make sure to always throw in some [well-known] stuff.
Will that change?
Dane: I don’t know. Right now I have to blend. I always have to have a bunch of new things in there. People are like, “Wow, I didn’t think there was going to be anything new. I thought it was going to be all Retaliation.” I’m picking and choosing. It depends on the venue and how I feel up there. Comics are very fragile. We want to entertain you. We don’t want to feel like we’re being taken advantage of. Some comics look at it like, “You’re going to make me do that? I don’t want to do that.” I don’t come at it from that angle. I enjoy the material I’ve done.
Were you the class clown or the introvert when you were growing up?
Dane: I was the introvert. I was funny at home. Once I left my yard, I would get panic attacks. I had a tough time dealing with people and crowds. Confrontation was tough for me. But once I got home, I’d tell funny stories.
Was your family surprised you became a stand-up?
Dane: They were shocked when I told them that I wasn’t going to college. Two weeks after I graduated [high school], I signed up for an open-mic night. They took it like this: “Dane is going to challenge himself to break out of his shell.” They backed me, especially my mom. It took my dad longer. He didn’t understand what the endgame was.
What kind of advice did you get from your guidance counselor?
Dane: It wasn’t positive. I remember saying that I wanted to be a stand-up comic. The guidance counselor totally tried to detour me from that. I was told, “You can’t do that. It’s not realistic.” A printout from some test said I should work in a shoe store, or something like that. It was absurd. That was in junior high school. I never forgot it.
Did you ever go back to tell the counselor how wrong he was?
Dane: I went back a few years ago and had one of the most serious talks I ever had. I said, “Listen, I don’t know what you tell other kids. I know you try to give some direction. I remember you were very negative, and you affected me. You almost made me not do what I’m doing.” The response I got back was, “I’ll take that into consideration.” I would rather be miserable trying to do what I do.
You’ll have to tell him you’ve made it — you’re in Penthouse.
Dane: Hey, it’s great. It’s my time right now. It won’t be the same five years from now. It’s press. You don’t take the bad press or good press too seriously.
Do you read your press?
Dane: I have. But again, it’s not something you seek out.
What’s the most hurtful thing you read?
Dane: I did a movie with Dennis Rodman years ago called Simon Sez. I remember my agent called and told me I got a movie, and I didn’t have to audition for it and it would be shot off the Mediterranean in Nice, France. I’m jumping up and down until I asked who the star was. When I was told it was Dennis Rodman, my first thought was, This could be really bad. Athletes and acting don’t mix, but I had so much fun. I would call home and say, “You know, I think we shot the worst scene ever today.” We knew it wasn’t a great movie, but I remember a guy wrote, “Dane Cook is one of the worst performers to ever disgrace the silver screen.” I remember that hitting my heart so hard.
Did your former guidance counselor write that review?
Dane: [Laughs hysterically] Maybe under a false name. I remember reading that review and thinking, It’s just a stupid B movie. I learned my lesson. People are going to either attack you or raise you way above their heads.
“When someone’s running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.”Dane Cook
In the years since this interview — 20 of them as of this writing — Dane Cook has indeed constantly moved forward. In fact, he has remained busy enough that he has not as yet had time to update his website — this year. You can hit his YouTube from there, and that’s always fun. Despite the inauspicious beginning outline above, Dane has rather an extensive IMDB resume now too. Still, the comedy stills works as the highlight for us.
