A new study of female sexuality takes us into the private erotic world of women.
Shared Intimacies
As part of our interviews into female sexuality we asked women to share the special techniques, intercourse positions, and accoutrements they used to enhance their sexual relationships. Almost every woman initially said she really had nothing special to offer. The assumption was that a “really sexual woman” is someone who uses bizarre and unusual sexual techniques to enhance her sexuality. In reality we found that each woman had at least one special way of keeping her sexual relationship alive and interesting.
Often, however, the women were so focused on what they could not do that they failed to appreciate the novelty of the special techniques they already used. Since they carried, out these techniques so naturally, they did not realize that they might be interesting and innovative to someone else.
Female Sexuality: ORAL SEX
A large majority of the women we interviewed had experienced oral sex, both fellatio and cunnilingus. Most considered oral sex, particularly cunnilingus, one of their most enjoyable sexual activities.
Heather (married three years) describes how she likes oral sex:
“I guess oral sex is so nice because my husband really works at it. He knows how to use his tongue; he tongues me in all the right places, on my clitoris and my lips. I especially like it when he even sucks on my clitoris a little bit, but not too hard, because if it’s too much, it hurts. He puts his finger up my anus when he’s inside me, and that’s nice, too.”
Rosemary (divorced, living alone), describes her technique in detail:
“Being licked all over is a real turn-on for my boyfriend. He loves to have his balls and anal area licked and kissed, with my tongue in his anus and all around that area. He likes it when I almost adore it, and he can see that I really enjoy doing it. He’s particularly sensitive from the underside of his penis down to the balls and all around the anus. He also likes me to put my finger inside his anus. I put Vaseline on my middle finger, and I stick it all the way in while I’m licking his balls. Then I move, on to the penis while I’ve still got my finger in his anus, and I’m sucking and putting his penis all the way in my mouth. He reaches a climax pretty quickly this way; so it’s a real turn-on for him and for me, too.
“I use the ‘butterfly stroke,’ where I flick my tongue up and down the length of the penis and back and forth over the area under the corona. And I do a lot of tantalizing even before I get to the penis, like caressing the sensitive area on the upper thigh, near the crease. I go round and round that whole area with my fingers or my tongue. I do all that stroking early and again and again until he really wants me to caress his penis.”
Sally (married 16 years):
“I really like oral sex — both ways — when my partner goes down on me and when I go down on him. Sometimes we go down on each other at the same time, but I usually prefer one at a time. Otherwise, there’s too much going on. I feel like I’m going to miss out on something, especially since I love oral sex when I’m the recipient. I love the feelings. I feel really tingly and excited, like I’m going to burst open any minute. I like to try to stay at the edge. I actually try not to have an orgasm for a long time; then, when it happens, it’s really intense.
“When it’s my turn to go down on my partner, I love to put his penis in my mouth, massage it and take it out, and watch to see how he is reacting. I can feel when he is getting ready to come; then I stop and start all over again. That’s exciting for me. I can have an orgasm just by doing that.
Female Sexuality: ANAL SEX
We were surprised at the number of women who had tried anal intercourse at one time or another. In Kinsey’s study during the 1940s, the number of women who had tried anal sex was negligible. Hunt’s study in the 1970s found that one-sixth of the women under 25 had tried anal intercourse and that six percent had used it occasionally during the preceding year. We found that approximately ten percent of the women we talked with mentioned anal sex spontaneously when we asked what sexual positions they used or whether they had any experiences they would call unusual. One woman remarked, “We’ve even gotten into anal sex a little bit, and I never, never thought I would do that.”
Allison gave good instructions for initiating anal sex:
“Anal intercourse is an important and enjoyable part of my sex life. I know that women find it too painful to contemplate, but I was lucky, because my partner helped to initiate me in such a way that it was not a traumatic and painful experience. I’d like to share what I learned from him and from the experience. Two key factors are that the woman should be completely relaxed and that her partner should initiate penetration very slowly, always responding to the woman’s directions about whether to stop or proceed.
The penis should be well lubricated. Some people use K-Y jelly, but I like to use the lubrication from my vagina. For me it was helpful to have vaginal stimulation from my partner before anal, sex — to take my mind off the anxiety. Friends of mine say that they like to have an orgasm in foreplay beforehand to be completely relaxed for the anal insertion. When your partner does start the insertion, he must again respond to your directions. Another important factor to remember is never to have vaginal intercourse after, anal intercourse. The fecal matter from the anus could start an infection in the vagina. So I make my, partner wash his penis before we have vaginal intercourse after anal intercourse. If your partner gets carried away and does penetrate your vagina after anal intercourse, just wash out your vagina with your fingers, using soap and water or douching”
Sara has used a unique position for anal intercourse in her 26-year marriage to Sam, a college professor:
“My favorite position for anal intercourse is where I’m on top, straddling my partner, who’s lying on his back. My weight is on my hands, which are next to his arms or shoulders. His penis is well lubricated either with lubrication or vaginal secretions. Then I move my hips toward his shoulders so that his penis is at an angle of about 45 degrees and can easily be inserted into my anus. I lower myself slowly onto his penis, allowing it to penetrate as far as is comfortable. Then I can move my body back and forth along his penis to suit my own pleasure. I also like having my breasts fondled and my nipples sucked at the same time. What I like most about this position is the control I have and the fact that I’m facing my partner and able to have so much contact with him.”
Female Sexuality: SELF-STIMULATION WITH A PARTNER
Several women said that one of their most powerful sexual experiences was being able to masturbate in front of their partners. As sex therapists, we have also found this to be true of many women. Masturbation for many of us has been associated with words like dirty, shameful, or, at the very least, private; so masturbating in front of another person may seem like a big step to take. It can, however, be a very positive one. It can be a learning experience for your partner in terms of what you like and need sexually to achieve orgasm, and at the same time it can be a turn-on for the other person. Being able to pleasure yourself in front of your partner can involve so much trust, understanding, and support that it can be a very intimate experience. Beverly (36, married nine years) tells how difficult this was but how powerful she felt afterward:
“For me, the one big thing that l’ve worked on in the last few years is being able to masturbate in front of my partner, something I never could do before. It was one more step in claiming my sexuality, in feeling good about my body, about orgasm, and about sex, and sharing that with my partner. Masturbating in front of him is so intimate that it’s a real letting go, a real-sense of freedom, and that makes it exciting. “First I talked about it with Mark, my husband. I was telling him how, uncomfortable I felt about doing it in front of him, even though he knew that I masturbated and I knew that he masturbated. It just was something that we had never shared with each other before. We talked about my fears. There were some more vestiges of all those negative messages about masturbation, how perverse it is, and how afraid I was of how awful I would look. I’d never seen how I looked when I masturbated. Then, one night after we’d had sex, I told him that I still felt a need to have more orgasms. I felt like I could have unlimited orgasms. In the past we would always rely on intercourse or, sometimes, on mutual masturbation, but this time I thought, ‘I’m going to try it; I’m going to try masturbating to orgasm in front of my partner.’ I didn’t say that in words; I just started, and he put his hand over my hand while I was masturbating myself, and I came. It was so exciting, it was such a thrill, that we just hugged each other. It was like we really made it that time. It was so freeing and liberating that we went on to make love again! That night I had five orgasms. That was the first time I had ever had five orgasms! I just thought my body was something super. I thought I could do anything with this body. I even walked differently. Getting over this thing about one-orgasm-is-enough was a big thing for me. You know, I had the idea that that’s enough pleasure — don’t have more, don’t give yourself too much. It was a big thing for me to get over that.”
A number of women talked about masturbating, either in front of their partner or at the same time as their partner, not only as a way to receive sufficient clitoral stimulation but also as a turn-on in its own right. They found that using masturbation as a tease heightened sexual feelings for both themselves and their partners.
Monique (engaged) confided:
“When we’re going out at night, sometimes I won’t wear any underwear and I’ll just wear this black, lacy garter belt, and in the car, on the way to a party, I’ll start masturbating myself, and my fiancé has to keep driving. I’ve made up the rules that he must keep driving and he can’t touch me. It makes me excited, and also it drives him crazy.”
Female Sexuality: EROTICA
Talking dirty sometimes took the form of telling pornographic stories as a way of building arousal. Or sometimes a woman would read pornography alone or with her partner as a way to warm up. In addition to reading pornography, many of the women we interviewed had seen a pornographic film at least one time in their lives. As therapists, we are well aware that seeing the right erotic movie can sometimes help turn on a couple that has been feeling asexual or sexually bored.
Loretta (single), who owned her own porno film, had a creative way of sharing that film with her lovers:
“Here’s how the evening usually goes: first I set the 8-millimeter projector up in my cozy bedroorn on a night table next to the bed. The shades are drawn, and a number of candles are lit and placed around the room. My honey and I have taken a shower together and smoked a little dope. We kiss and caress each other as we remove each other’s robe and get into bed. Then I start the film.
“At first his attention is absorbed in the film, especially since it takes place in a French brothel. Needless to say, the ‘young ladies’ in the film are all absolutely beautiful and into all kinds of sex, particularly licking, sucking, and eating their partner and/or partners. While he’s turning on to the film, I’m turning him on by starting leisurely at his toes with my mouth and tongue and working slowly up to his balls and penis. Poor guy! He struggles with wanting to concentrate on the film but not wanting me to stop. I’m also extremely turned on at this point; so we spend the rest of the time making love, as the film continues.
Although many of the women we interviewed enjoyed pornographic books and films and found them arousing, some were turned off by their male orientation.
“We record ourselves sometimes and make an audiotape of our screws. We also have a video recorder, and we have filmed ourselves with the camera and played the tape back on our television. Then we watch it and fuck along with it.”
Female Sexuality: VIBRATORS
Vibrators were the sexual aids most frequently mentioned by the women we interviewed. Many women had tried a vibrator at one point or another. Some enjoyed the vibrator and continued to use it frequently; others enjoyed it only occasionally.
Ann (married 6 years) recalled her first experience:
“Steve used the vibrator first. The first time he used it he gave me an orgasm in about three seconds, and I was scared shitless of it. I didn’t want to use it for a long time. I told him I didn’t like it. It just wasn’t me. It felt like a kind of reflex mechanical reaction. But he continued to bring it out, and we used it differently — slower and not directly on the clitoris — and it got more stimulating and easier for me. Sometimes we use it up to the point of orgasm, and sometimes I go off on it. I use it on him around his anus and around his glans, which he likes. I’m not sure how often we use it, but it’s often enough, and we usually think of using it at the same time.”
A lesbian couple used it this way:
“Both of us lie on either side of the vibrator and press it against us. That way we both manage to get some vibrations.”
Female Sexuality: BODY PAINTING
Decorating one another’s body was mentioned by a couple of women as being particularly enjoyable on those nights when passion is not high but the desire for fun and intimacy are.
Iris (divorced and living with boyfriend Jake):
“One night Jake and j had decided to devote the evening to being alone and ,being ‘intimate.’ We specifically did not want to limit or inhibit ourselves by feeling that that would necessarily mean intercourse. As it turned out, that evening we weren’t really feeling that passionate. So we started out just giving each other massages in front of the fireplace; then we were feeling warm and relaxed and a little playful. Jake grabbed a magic marker from his desk arid started making designs around my mons area. Not to be outdone, I grabbed a few myself and turned his penis into a beautiful hanging purple flower. We laughed and ended up drawing all over each other’s body. Body paints that turn into bubble baths in the shower have since become a substitute for magic markers.”
Female Sexuality: FANTASY
Not all women fantasize, but many feel that fantasy is an important part of their sexual encounters. The way these women used their fantasies varied. The large majority of women never shared their fantasies with a partner but kept them as their own personal, secret turn-ons.
The fantasies that surfaced most frequently were variations on the theme of being dominant and submissive. Women today are actively raising their consciousness. They are breaking old stereotypes about how women ought to be and are developing their competent, assertive, and rational side. They were often horrified when masochistic fantasies of being forced to submit sexually were found to be arousing. However, what women enjoy in fantasy and what they actually find arousing in reality are two very different things. Many women enjoy being raped in fantasy but would be devastated if the act were perpetrated on them in real life.
Unlike the psychoanalyst’s theories, our sexual fantasies do not necessarily “tell” something about our inner wishes. Enjoying fantasies of submission are not necessarily signs of a masochistic personality. We often find that women who can truly enjoy those fantasies are women who feel sufficiently secure to know that in real life they are not masochistic at all.
Alexandra (divorced):
“Barry and I had some sadomasochistic fantasies which, were never played out in any way that was dangerous, just fun. It was definitely on a fantasy level. It was comfortable for us to act the fantasy out in bed; it would have been uncomfortable out of bed. I don’t like to play the masochistic role, nor do I like a man to play being dominant over me in any aspect of my life, but in bed it was just a game.
“We played it out by having him hold down my arms while I tried to fight against him as though I wanted to put my arms around him, but he wouldn’t let me. It was like being tied up. There was a lot of sexy talk about what he was going to do to me one day, like tying me up and doing all these things to me and driving me crazy. That was while he was inside me, and it just heightened things. He would also just tease me and drive me nuts by not letting me have it right away; so I had to beg for it. The begging was very exciting, because that is absolutely not the way I really am.”
Pain is sometimes an integral part of a masochistic fantasy.
Suzanne (bisexual, living alone):
“I have this leather fly swatter that I got as a gift and I use in lovemaking. I got into sexually enjoying being swatted on the ass, but it can’t be too hard, and it can’t be too soft. If just a certain amount of pressure is applied, like somebody slapping me on the ass, I’m able to have orgasms. I’m a little bit less into that now, but at times I still find it enjoyable.”
Tying someone up can be done with scarves, silk ties, hand-cuffs, ropes, stockings, or bed covers.
Phyllis (single):
“The man that I was living with at the time introduced me to a very gentle, fun type of S&M. I had a big brass bed, and sometimes we would take turns tying each other up to the bed. I would save my stockings that had runs in them, and we’d use them to tie each other up. We would have very clear ground rules. If the person who was being tied up wanted the other person to stop for any reason, all they had to say was ‘stop,’ and it would end. And we never hurt each other. The object was to tease each other, to stimulate each other until the other person was just begging to come. The ground rule was that you just had to beg for intercourse.
“One night it was his turn to be tied up. That night, for some reason, I decided to combine this activity with another thing he liked, which was for me to dress up as a whore. I had these outrageously high heels, silk stockings, and a black garter belt. I had one of these black bras that push your breasts to the middle, and for some reason I just got really outrageous.
“I’m feeling like I’m just this incredible whore, and I’ve got this guy tied up and spread-eagled on the bed, and I can do anything I want to him. So, for a while, I kind of just prance around, and every once in a while, I come over and touch him or I kiss him. Then I do this incredible oral-sex thing on him, and each time I bring him to the point of almost coming; I stop. And he knows the ground rules are that he can say ‘stop’ anytime and I’ll just untie him. But it was like he was hooked on it. It was like he couldn’t wait to see what was coming next; yet he really wanted to come and he couldn’t stand it.
“And, finally, I don’t know what possessed me, but I got so much into the person I was playing that I was no longer myself. I was just ‘fucking outrageous.’ So I got up on the bed and sat up on the pillow next to his head, arid started touching myself and playing with myself. I thought he would go crazy! Then for some reason, I decided, ‘This isn’t enough. I’m going to really drive him nuts.’ So I got up and sat on his chest and continued masturbating, and his face was close enough to see everything and smell everything, and he was almost able to reach out but wasn’t close enough. And I came. On his chest. And that’s when he yelled, ‘Stop!’”
Fantasy can be used as a substitute for reality, particularly when it is not possible to enact the desired activity in real life.
Samantha (divorced) describes how she and her lover use fantasies to make love when they are physically separated:
“Because we can’t live together right now and are often separated, we masturbate together on the telephone, which is just out of sight! We usually talk to each other late in the evening because both of us are very busy during the day, and so sometimes we’ll be on the phone almost all night, talking each other into coming. We talk about what we’ve done sexually with each other in the past and how good it felt; we talk about what we’ve done with other people that we’ve liked. He tells me about various things women have done to him, and it’s a real turn-on just to imagine it while I’m masturbating. That way I can have several orgasms in one conversation. He usually has one, and then we become more intimate.
“It’s not like masturbating alone — that’s a whole different thing — but it’s sort of like sharing something very intimate with someone that you care about. It’s not as good as the real thing, but it’s pretty damn good.”
All of the foregoing games, props, and techniques can create a break from the general routine and add fun and excitement to a sexual relationship. We hope they will reinforce and encourage you in some of your sexual interests.
Since we happen to be in the 40-years-ago world with female sexuality, you might enjoy a look at teenage sexuality from the same time period.
