Women Reveal What Turns Them On and Off
Push My Buttons — Humor Me
Of all the men I’ve gone to bed with, three knew exactly what to do to get me there in the first place — and to keep me coming back for more. None looked like George Clooney, yet it wasn’t long before I said yes to having sex with them. That’s because no matter how different they were — muscular and assertive; pudgy and boisterous; painfully thin and even-tempered — they all shared two crucial commonalities: a genuine interest in what I had to say and a sense of humor so irreverent that I’d almost spit up my food or pee my pants whenever I was with them. Give me your ear and make me laugh, and I’ll give you the green light without hesitation.
But that’s just me. How to turn a woman on — or, God forbid, off — depends on the woman in question. “It’s all relative,” says Gabrielle Morrissey, Ph.D., a human-sexuality professor and author of Urge: Hot Secrets for Great Sex. “But most women tend to use their brains as much as their eyes for determining irresistibility in men.” To find out exactly what it requires to pass GO, we asked about a hundred women what makes them hot, and not. Provided we’d change their names, they told us. Here’s what some of them had to say.
What makes a man irresistible?
Stephanie, 26: Damn good hands, with the ability to use them with more skill than the average groping 18-year-old. A good sense of rhythm and an ability to use it at appropriate times. Salsa dancing should be mandatory.
Molly, 32: Making a lot of eye contact and face-to-face connections to show he’s totally into me.
Ally, 26: I have a passion for men who know how to speak a foreign language, especially Italian, Spanish, and French. That important quality, combined with intelligence and his ability to enjoy a good time, gets me going. I used to be absorbed in looks, but I learned the hard way that they can be fatal. My all-time favorite thing a guy can do to me is when he casts a seductive glance and his lips are pouty-looking. It’s all done so nonchalant, but it drives me nuts. I just want to take him right then and there.
Tina, 30: Confidence and persistence are the ultimate aphrodisiacs. Women will sleep even with the biggest trolls if the guys keep after them long enough and exude an air of “ownership.” Being taken in a spontaneous way is also a huge turn-on. You don’t need to book a room at the Four Seasons. The back of a city cab will do nicely, as long as it’s passionate and spontaneous. Sneak attacks are best; that way we don’t have a chance to say no. I’m not talking date rape here, just a man taking charge of the situation. If there’s mutual attraction, he needs to make his move.
Krissy, 24: Jeans and a white T-shirt with mussed-up bed hair, but only if he’s recently been in bed. I also love it when a guy treats me like I’m really innocent.
Nicole, 33: Money and looks mean nothing to me, but a sense of humor does. The best aphrodisiac in the world is a guy who is quick-witted and gets it.
Natalie, 26: Someone who’s able to make an absolute fool of himself is a total turn-on for me. When he can leave the stresses of the day, work, and all of the other junk in life out of the picture and make the bedroom a fun and safe place, all my inhibitions disappear.
Marcie, 24: A willingness to change with my moods. Sometimes I want him to be playful, gentle, submissive, or dominant. For me to be turned on and to be pleased, he has to be willing to work with my fantasies. No part of my body can be forbidden, although I do get to say if I don’t want something or am uncomfortable with it. He also has to be willing to tell me what he enjoys, either by word or deed, so I can please him.
Sage, 44: Genuine interest in me, not that polite kind of half-assed paying-attention stuff. Lack of pretension — not lack of finesse, class, or courtesy — also wins many points. In bed, I like a man who moans, groans, laughs, and lets me know that he’s enjoying himself. Naturally, he should make me moan, groan, and laugh as well.
Darlene, 41: That little flicker in his eyes that tells me he likes what he sees. A warm smile, which may be cliche, but it works. Genuine interest in me, asking questions and really listening to the answers and following up, making me feel like a desirable, interesting person. Nice, solid-looking, thick-fingered male hands also get me. Some guys are concerned about penis size. For me, unless it’s too tiny to feel, or too huge — which has actually been more of a problem for me because it hurts — the penis is so much less important than hands with sensitivity and stamina. His hands will also make the difference between lame sex and great sex. In bed, a genuine interest in the moment, a sense that he’s glad it’s me there with him, and compliments about how lovely, sexy, and desirable I am, are a real turn-on. Finally, I like being on top. Early on, especially when I was in college, I needed encouragement to take the lead with the rhythm and pacing, so a guy who’s comfortable lying back and sharing the director’s job is a real catch.
Ann, 33: Nice teeth, a dry sense of humor, and a brain.
What kinds of things squash your libido?
Stephanie: Mishandling my clit. It’s not a Nintendo controller. Lack of protection and the inability to be responsible enough to use it is a real turnoff too. I give bonus points to anyone who comes equipped with condoms, gloves, and lube.
Tina: Vegetarianism, being a cat owner, and offering to cook me dinner — unless you’re Rocco DiSpirito. (I’d rather go out.) It’s also a turnoff when a guy talks about his ex or other women. Who wants to hear that? Not calling when he said he would is a total loser move and puts a man on the outs faster than anything.
Nicole: Talking about how much money he makes, quoting Adam Sandler, and wearing bad shoes.
Molly: Acting insecure, not being completely present and interested in the moment.
Ally: There’s nothing worse than talking to a man who’s full of himself. He has all these big plans and thinks he’s better than everyone around him. Some men just need to be quiet. In the bedroom, when he gropes me as if he has no clue what he’s doing and goes right for the target areas like my breasts or vagina. It’s horrible. Another peeve of mine is when guys feel that it’s okay to demean women. By no means am I a radical feminist, but come on — I was once with a guy who grabbed my hair and asked, “Are you my slut, bitch?” I’m all for rough sex, but his question ruined my mood. I pushed him off me and walked out the door. No way. Talk about putting water over the fire.
Janet, 42: Long, sharp fingernails (just think of all that soft tissue), bad breath, too much body hair, bad cologne, and egocentrism.
Krissy: Holding my head down while I give him oral sex, saying the word cunt, and being aggressive with sex right out of the gate.
Natalie: In bed, the only thing that turns me off is when a man is quiet and doesn’t let me know what makes him feel good. The communication of what we both want is key to a great sex life. I want to hear that what I’m doing to him either feels good or doesn’t.
Marcie: Telling me that something I want him to do in bed is wrong or bad. Some guys aren’t into certain things, and that’s okay. But for a man to tell me I’m wrong for wanting it? That’s a turnoff. Also, when a guy says to me, “Well, my ex never complained” or, “So and so always liked it,” that pisses me off to no end. I have never said to a man, “Well, my ex liked it” or, “My last boyfriend always licked it before he would stick it,” and I never will. Each person likes different things and should be approached as such.
Darlene: Giving me the once-over as if I’m a slab of bacon. Talking too much about himself, and turning to follow leggy blondes with his gaze while he’s supposedly with me. A guy who spends too much time trying to look good or stylish is a real turnoff. And, yes, the old standard complaint, offensive body odor or greasy hair or filth-encrusted clothes, unless of course it’s a dishy construction worker on the job. In bed, hurried actions and being focused only on getting himself off. Perfunctory, rough attention to kissing, quick gnawing on breasts (30 seconds for each, with a 30-second encore for both), and endless hours of guy-on-top in-and-out hydraulics — and whining about anything, especially wearing condoms. Finally, any sense of disgust or disdain afterwards, like making an “eww, gross” face when his semen drips out of me, or rushing to the bathroom to gargle after he goes down on me.
Julia, 34: In public, being a rude jerk, making lewd or mean comments about women in general, having a pack of male friends that you’re incapable of functioning without. In private, not being clear about what you want. I mean, don’t shove my head into your crotch, but if you don’t like something I’m doing or want something else, request it in terms of “I’d love it if you…” or “I want to feel you hard and fast.” If you’re tense or merely tolerating what I’m doing, it shows. Doing something to me if I’m verbally or physically resisting, or trying to coerce me, is a bad idea. If I don’t enjoy it, it’s not going to be a great experience for you either. But if I do like what I’m doing, I may just blow your mind, among other things.
Ann: Gel in his hair, gold chains around his neck, and saying the word dude or the phrase my bad.
Sage: Men who haven’t bathed, haven’t changed their sheets in more than a week, or have sex toys and videos hanging around make me want to turn around and leave. A man who is trying to impress the boss and everybody else turns me off. This kind of external measurement of success also gets translated into fancy cars and expensive suits and other “look at me” items. Big-time boring. In bed, I want a man who acts and moves in response to his internal stirrings rather than what he remembers from books he’s read or movies he’s seen. So many men are either fixated on their own needs or trying to perform to meet mine. Sex should be an uninhibited romp. Just be yourself, enjoy the moment, be in the moment, and make love to the woman you’re with, listening to her words as well as her body. Things will naturally flow if you let them.
When did a guy do everything so right or so wrong that you did or didn’t end up in bed with him?
Stephanie: We were making out, and he started promising me some sort of short-term-relationship deal just to get in my pants. He promised to be my boyfriend for the rest of the summer. Even though I was drunk enough to be turned on, I saw through his lame lie and thought, Poor liars make bad lays. So I just rolled over and went to sleep. If he had been honest and said, “Let’s fuck,” he just might have gotten some.
Molly: At a postcollege wedding of an old roommate, I got reacquainted with a guy I’d liked since seventh grade. We talked, danced a little at the reception, and I gladly went home with him. Sitting on the couch in front of a fire, as I was calculating how long it would take before we got naked and crazy, he looked at me with a self-satisfied, smarmy smile and said, “So I guess you had a real big crush on me all this time, huh?” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. One stupid, egomaniacal comment, and I was out the door.
Ally: I went to Austin with this very hot guy who was much younger than me. We were having a great time and I didn’t have any intentions of sleeping with him. Well, one thing eventually led to another in our hotel room. He was incredibly well endowed (it almost went to his knees), which was great, but what ruined the night was when he started smacking my thighs with his dick. It jarred me at first, but then I thought I would see where this was going. So then he started waving his cock around and laughing like a hyena. I stopped things right then and there.
Krissy: For a long time I had a crush on this guy who I thought had great relationship potential, and as things were heating up, I was considering sleeping with him. On the night in question, I did all the things women do when they think they might have sex that night: waxed my legs, painted my toenails, had a hard, sweaty workout. I ended up drinking too much and was dozing on the couch. He started kissing me, then biting my nipples, which was strange because I could not appreciate it in my state. He told me that we were in the “scoping out” stage — in other words, when the only thought in the guy’s head is how long it will take to get the woman in bed. He proceeded to tell me how glad he was that we were going to be casual sex partners. You know, fuck buddies. The whole time he was saying this, he was undressing himself. Needless to say, I steadied myself and got up and left.
Natalie: Once a guy asked what I wanted, so I told him I wanted to have him slowly kiss and nuzzle me and have his movements be soft and tender. I needed him to take his time and let things build up to a point where I was going to explode. I didn’t want a ten-minute jaunt in bed; I wanted passion, excitement, and to feel the immense power of holding back. I wanted to beg him to do whatever he wanted to me only after I was at the brink of no return. We ended up with an hour of exploring each other’s body and another hour of sensuality like I have never known. It was pure bliss!
Marcie: A friend of mine used to indulge me in talking for hours after work. He knew I needed to vent sometimes. One day he saw how tense I was and offered me a full-body massage. He was so tender, so gentle and unassuming. I knew he was turned on, but he helped me get dressed and didn’t try anything overt. I was thrilled by it. He knew that I had had past problems with men, but that I was attracted to him. He was willing to let me say when, and a few days later, when I let it be known I was willing, he took charge and led the way. It was amazing.
Sage: A man once took me to the most expensive French restaurant in town. It was gorgeous. He was dressed to the nines and had a limo pick me up. He was perfectly pleasant during dinner, but for the last half of it, he talked about his former girlfriend. I didn’t go to bed with him. Then there was the case of the man who was so neurotic, I just couldn’t stand it. He developed a case of oral herpes after our first date. He said his stress level went up so much, it triggered the virus. He told me about how he and his mother would get high together. He told me that my 40F breasts intimidated him. He took me to restaurants that he remembered were good a decade ago, but he hadn’t been out since then, so he wasn’t sure they were still good now. And I went out with this guy three times!
Darlene: The “everything right” story happened with the man who would become my husband, and I’m thinking of the night I decided I’d go to bed with him, which was our third date. He invited me over for dinner and did all the cooking. As he was making dinner, he admitted, “I really enjoy doing things with my hands.” The comment was innocent, but it definitely got me thinking I’d like to find out more about this passion of his. So after dinner we were sitting a bit uncomfortably on his sofa and we ended up looking through some of his humor books. We began laughing together, harder and harder as the momentum of the book grew, and this really broke the ice. From there it was much easier to connect physically, for me to lean against him, for him to put his arm around me. Our first sex was promising, but we certainly got much better very quickly. What brought me back after the first time was the sense that he really appreciated me and felt lucky to be with me, and that he asked how to bring me off. He took instruction and didn’t expect thrusting alone would do it. When we felt more comfortable and developed a rhythm, we experimented with all kinds of things like dirty talk, acting out fantasies, and anal eroticism. One highlight was when he started talking during sex; I was on top and he whispered, “I’m going to make you come.” Somehow the words made me melt, I suppose, because I knew by then he could keep his promise.
One “everything wrong” story is from college. I was at a party under the influence, and my roommate and I walked past two guys, one of whom was saying, “You just have to find a cute girl and walk right up to her.” He grabbed me out of the crowd and said, “Do you want to come back to my room now?” Blown away by the weirdness of it, I said, “Sure.” It started off okay, with compliments about how beautiful I was and so forth. But he was a philosophy major and went on and on about how his favorite philosopher was Soren Kierkegaard, who I assumed had some kind of sensual or erotic creed, which I didn’t quite understand. What really turned me off was his rough and rushed way of undressing me. He unbuttoned my shirt, and I wanted him to stop there and maybe convince me with a bit of breast-kissing why I should take off more. Instead he started whining, “Why won’t you let me take off your shirt?” I guess I was sobering up, because I realized the only thing to do was get up and leave, which I did. We hadn’t exchanged names, but apparently he looked me up in the freshman face book and called me later that night begging for a date. It was very creepy and not recommended behavior.
Another time was when I was a teenager with an older friend of my sister’s. I had to do the seducing because the age difference freaked him. At first he was very tender and sweet, and when I was kissing him rather intensely, he said, “No rush, we’ve got all night.” But once we got naked in his bed, he seemed to change completely, giving commands, being rather rough (this was an “I want to watch you masturbate” guy), and it ended up being a bit scary for me. I’d say sudden Jekyll-Hyde personality changes, especially early in a relationship, are not a good idea.
Ann: I was in a hot tub once with someone I considered having a fling with. He wasn’t great-looking, but he was fun and always up for anything. I wanted to ease into things, talk with him for a while first, but he kept grabbing me and pulling me toward him. It was late at night and no one else was around. I kept telling him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He was one of those guys who thinks no means yes. I finally broke free and jumped out of the tub. It was very scary, and for a moment I thought he would use force on me. The next day he called and told me I was a tease. I told him he was a fat fish-lipped asshole.
Do pickup lines ever work, even humorous ones?
Stephanie: Honesty works best. If you think I’m hot, say so. If you like my tits, great. It puts me in a position of power to decide for myself whether or not I want to get involved, or throw a drink in your face.
Molly: Not a single pickup line, movie quote, or fake accent has ever worked on me. Not from a stranger; only when recited by a guy I already knew and wanted, in which case it was so ridiculously funny that I couldn’t pass it up. Then it was more of a shortcut to someplace we both wanted to go, and just needed a laugh or an icebreaker to get there.
Ally: For the longest time, I thought lines were cheesy, a man’s desperate attempt to get a woman into bed. But my view changed after I went to a seminar with a couple of my friends. I was the youngest one there and severely outnumbered (400 men to 20 women). My friends and I were joking about how some of the guys could be my father. Later that night a man 17 years my senior approached me. He was very attractive and asked in a joking manner, “Who’s your daddy?” I cracked up. I know it’s not a classic pickup line, but I gave him credit because it was so original. He was nice and I admired his audacity. We ended up in bed.
Julia: It’s not a matter of anything you do or say or don’t do or say so much as there’s an attraction and you happen to wander into the picture at the right time — if I haven’t had sex in a while; if I’m feeling particularly lousy about an ex; if I’m excited by being attracted to someone and having them respond to me. An excellent knee-liquefying kiss plus a situation where I know I can control what’s going on all seal the deal. So lines don’t do a damn thing. I need to believe, even if I just want a one-time thing, that there is a hot sexual connection. If that’s not there, then nothing you say is going to convince me otherwise. If that is there, you could be something of a jerk and I’d still consider it, if that’s what I wanted.
Darlene: I’m almost embarrassed to say that variations of “You’ve got beautiful eyes” do work with me and make me feel that melting sensation in my gut. And that’s the first sign of my body going, “Hmmm, maybe.” The reason this probably works is because the guy has to look into my eyes, and this makes for a connection — or not — so there has to be something genuine there. That’s why most lines don’t work — they’re forced and trite and seem aimed at a potential lay, not at me.
Nicole: As a 33-year-old single woman, the only line I need is “Hello.” Being a single woman in your early thirties is like being an 18-year-old guy.
Tina: “I really want to see you” or “You are amazing, beautiful, incredibly sexy” or “I can’t take my eyes off of you” or “I just wanted to meet you from the minute you walked in the room” all work for me. It’s about flattery, flattery, flattery.
Krissy: Once I met a guy for drinks after I’d had a gruelling meeting, which he knew about. When he arrived, he asked, “So, did it hurt?” I assumed he meant the meeting, so I started telling him about it. Then he said, “No, I mean when you fell from heaven.” It was sweet coming from him at that point (we are still seeing quite a bit of each other). However, if a random guy had asked me that at the bar, I would have dismissed him, then howled with mocking laughter with my girlfriends about it later.
Natalie: Lines have never worked on me because I’ve never heard a line that could be construed as genuine. I want his eyes looking deep into mine, almost to my inner soul, and to express only what it is he is feeling within. If he says a line he isn’t really feeling, he’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear. My response is either to laugh or turn away. I look at it as a lie.
Marcie: I’ve heard a few doozies, and few of them really inspired me. For the most part they were simply intended to get into my pants, and I wasn’t the least bit tempted. However, a friend of mine once said that my neck fascinated him and that he would like to nibble it one day. That to me was a great line, without being a line. He simply shared something sensual with me, and knew that it was okay to be so honest. I liked that. So I gave him the opportunity to nibble.
Sage: If a guy doesn’t take his line seriously, that seems to work best. It’s fun when you both know it’s all a game. Direct questions or comments work best. Not that “Do you wanna go to bed with me?” should be the first thing out of his mouth, but I do appreciate it when a man asks me if I’m involved with anybody before he launches into wooing. There’s something about putting cards on the table that makes me respect a man.
What’s the most memorable sex you’ve had, and what did the man do to make it that way?
Sage: Here’s a shocker for most men: Great sex is about 50 percent technique. The other half is pure chemistry. It’s beyond the control of the participants. When a woman finds a man who makes her hot and he’s got great technique, well, let’s just say she’ll consider him a keeper. The best sex I ever had was when this combination of factors was present.
Stephanie: He started from behind. I was sitting between his legs, and he started kissing my neck and shoulders from a new angle. Each new kiss and caress touched on often ignored parts of my body. He fucked me, and after he came, he finished by fisting me. There was no fluid left in my body to gush, and nothing left to do but collapse. Good stuff.
Ann: I was with a guy I had recently met at a bar in my neighborhood. We made out in my apartment for a while, and then he went for my breasts, which are large. He slowly lifted each one out of my bra so the underwire was framing them. Then he just sucked, licked, and kissed each one for what seemed like hours. When he squeezed them together and sucked on both nipples at once, I nearly passed out. By the time he found his way to my pussy, it was extremely slippery. We fucked every which way, but my favorite position that night was when I was on top with my tits filling his mouth. He was a tit man. And I’m definitely a tit woman.
Krissy: My lover teased me intermittently by just barely putting himself inside me, which I love. But the most erotic part of it was that the entire time, he was looking really far into my eyes. It was sort of an unspoken forbiddance. I could look only at his eyes, and he could look only at mine. Blinking was allowed, but no closing the eyes. It sounds trite and maybe even virginal, but actually it was almost like having your hands tied up. You want to free them so badly so you can touch the other person everywhere, but the fact that you can’t frustrates you in a really luscious way. It’s pretty spectacular to see how a person’s eyes change during different stages of sex. It almost felt voyeuristic, like we were seeing something we weren’t supposed to. My orgasm was mind-blowing.
Besides humor, what should a man do to keep you coming back for more?
Stephanie: Keep it interesting. Don’t make me bored. Pay attention to what makes me scream your name, and give it to me, in your sweet time. Be literate too.
Ally: Take an interest in me and see me for more than a sexual being. It helps that we are interested in each other sexually, but there is more to me than sex. My sexuality seeps into other areas, like literature, food, and conversation. But when it comes straight to sex, he has to like sex in the morning. That’s important to me. There’s nothing like reeking of sex when I’m driving to work. He also has to take his time with me, but sometimes just take me on a whim and fuck me so hard that I don’t know which end is up.
Nicole: Be a little affectionate. Ask me about myself. There’s nothing worse than a guy who goes on and on about himself.
Natalie: So long as a man asks the right questions, listens and hears, and then applies, we will both be fully satisfied and rewarded with everything our bodies can give each other.
Marcie: Just be open about your body and your likes, and be open to the discussion of mine. You don’t have to agree to everything; after all, I may not agree to all of your suggestions. But by being open to the possibilities, you win over an “expert lover” any day. Once you’ve reached perfection as a lover, what else is there?
Sage: Show interest in me. Call me just to hear my voice and see what’s new with me. Call me to share what’s up with you. Be my friend. Flowers, candy, and jewelry are nice, but they are meaningless in the face of no real interest in me as a person. Yes, we all like to be adored and told we’re beautiful, but if we don’t talk about anything that’s close to my heart, you’ve lost me. Genuine interest and affection (and a healthy sexual appetite with the equipment to support it) are what will keep me coming back for more.
Ann: A combination of being sweet and sincere and fucking me hard and fast.
Tina: Talk dirty and spank me. I have the Letters to Penthouse books, and they don’t lie.
Honestly, based on our admittedly less than scientific studies, humor, self-deprecation, and (maybe) cooking seem to be the top key elements for attracting the desired sex – opposite or not. Certainly even allegedly science-focused groups support that opinion, which may or may not mean anything. We can tell you this absolutely: While we may not employ the most scientific methods in our survey system, we definitely ask a group of women that have a lot of sex, and not always with beautiful men. So you might factor that into your humor calculations as well.
