Penthouse readers tell it like it is. After 25 years of feminism, men are finally speaking up for themselves.
Today’s Men … né Male
Consider the male. Men are in the midst of an historic debate about their future, the kind of society and family they want, who they are, and what they want their lives to be. They have a unique historical opportunity to change the way things are — or return to “the way things were” (supposedly were). With 25 years of experimentation in different philosophies behind us, they are in a perfect position to think clearly about what they are doing — rationally, avoiding anger and emotionalism.
This is the debate that men participating in this study, readers of Penthouse, are part of: a massive, important debate at the end of a century of gender discussion, redefinition, and upheaval; of revolution and counterrevolution.
We hear them in all kinds of moods — loving, angry, joking, philosophical — happy in love affairs, hating “every woman in the world,” feeling worried because they “can’t find anybody,” or dying to get out of a relationship. What is certain is that men today, unlike men 15 years ago, are intensely involved from the gut in these issues — men of all ages, all walks of life, and of every educational, religious, and social background.
This is history in the making: men in the midst of this important moment, thinking the issues through — that is, the issue of the twentieth century, sexual politics — and the issue that we must resolve if we are to get on with our society or be able to believe in ourselves as a fair, enlightened, democratic society-nation. It’s time to democratize the family.
A lot of the confusion and feelings of nervousness that these statements represent started in the eighties, when backlash fashion became the rage, finding women to blame for almost everything, just as men had been to blame for everything in the seventies. It was said that the women’s movement was responsible for the problems of the economy. Just look at the Japanese miracle! The women there know how to stay home, support their men, and not flood the labor market! And the “collapse of the family” — i.e., the downfall of civilization — is being caused because the mother is not home! This “causes” latchkey children (who turn to drugs and become street orphans, child prostitutes, thieves, rapists, et cetera) … and on and on.
Of course, this “thinking” assumes that all children who had mothers at home in the 1950s were just so happy! But in fact, many people during the fifties went to shrinks or empathized with James Dean movies, which celebrated individual rebellion against the family and its hypocritical ways. But no, it was said in the yuppie eighties, if “the family” would only come back — i.e., if the mother would stay in the home (and smile) — the world would become a charmed place again. The old and more affluent order would reign. President Ronald Reagan and his wife Nancy symbolized this belief: the (married) father as a magic symbol-charm.
So the world is changing. We have the chance — it is within our grasp — to make a new set of instructions that work better than the old ones ever did, that give more people more happiness and fulfillment than the old ones ever did. It’s a nerve-racking process, so people tend to — in the will-we-ever-reach-Duluth stage of such a project — run around like Chicken Little crying, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” Understandably.
But don’t give up.
So the world is changing. We have the chance — it is within our grasp — to give more people more happiness and fulfilment.
It’s like you’re driving from Cincinnati to Duluth. You’re halfway there, somewhere on the middle of the road on a rainy night, and you’re looking around and thinking, I must have made a wrong turn. … You get out your map nervously, swearing under your breath — or snapping at your loved one — trying to stay calm. But where is that place you were trying to get to? And how much longer will it take to get there?
Well, this is where we are: in the middle of a big historical change in gender and the family, and it’s getting confusing. Have we come the right way? Are we lost? Where are we? How much farther is it? Are we halfway to our destination — halfway to Duluth?
Where are we? Ah, there’s the rub. No one quite knows — and this is the cause of much of the frustration. This is what is escalating the tension level and rubbing raw the nerves of all concerned, adding emotional heat to an already tense situation.
The way to a more stable, productive, and satisfying future is not to copy the past — not “back to the future” — but to continue to follow our idealistic heritage, to try to see what the problems of the day are and to face them. It’s exciting and interesting, not something to run away from.
To wit, our debate: Here men are at least trying to answer the questions. It’s no shame that none of us are “there” yet, that personal politics, and sexual politics, are “in a mess.” This doesn’t make us ridiculous. It makes us smart and serious for trying to figure it out, and for doing it in a public forum like this, so that maybe it will help other people. Personal politics, sexuality, and love are often trivialized, but they are not trivial. They are politics in 1992 America — and for the rest of this century and the next, I’m sure.
In this article, I present to you the debate as the men reading Penthouse reported it to me. We can use this article as part of our map. We can use it like signals, flares in the night, to see our route more clearly (and also the places we don’t want to go, places we’ve been before, and that we know aren’t what we want). If inspiration should strike you while you’re reading this article, if you have an insight or personal experience to contribute, please do send it to me. This debate is going to go on for a while, probably for at least the rest of the century. But I’m predicting that it will end with positive results.
MALE IDENTITY
Men’s frustration is everywhere. Speaking on these issues, a 23-year-old student blurts out:
“The media doesn’t help! I can’t tell you how many articles I’ve read in major magazines stating in big, boldface type how to have the greatest sex, find the perfect lover, get along with the opposite sex, avoid being charged with sexual harassment (Just what we need — more paranoiac techniques!), and a myriad of other topics that not only don’t tell you a damn thing, but make one paranoid and fearful that one is different in some odd way.”
And yet, some men find the times refreshing:
“I am closer to men in recent years than ever before in my life. This is because I am now in a men’s group, and also because I am taking more time to do things that I want to do for myself (since my divorce). I became very close with my father in the years before his death, in 1988. I hated him when I was a teenager. Men I admire? Men working at saving the earth from human destruction, whoever they are. (It is an endeavor which does not popularize personalities.)”
Quite a few men are heartrendingly lonely, some definitely puzzled, wondering why their search for personal happiness is taking so long.
A college student, age 23, thinks out loud about what he thinks his masculinity, and relationships with other men, are all about:
“Although I go out socially with my friends, I wouldn’t consider that as constituting some sort of male group. Indeed, I am suspicious about male societies. Many seem to wind up as a sort of ‘penis contest,’ regardless of the reason for the formation of the group. One only has to see a small knot of men or college students sitting around a table in a bar and listen to them talk to see some form of competition, usually expressed verbally as bragging: ‘Man, I was with this chick last night — whoa! Did I ever have her begging for mercy!’ ‘Oh, yeah?’ comes the challenge from one of the others at the table. ‘Well, I was with this chick the other night and I banked her so bad, she couldn’t walk all night!’ Et cetera, et cetera. I consider this type of behavior a form of competition, even though it is also usually used as a form of bonding.”
“For as much as women have complained that men don’t understand themselves, and even men have complained that they don’t know themselves, and for all the self-help books and psychology floating around, there still seems to be a huge chunk of the male population wandering around with no clear idea of who they are, where they are going, or what they want. I admire people (but perhaps more so men) who can get into their own heads and find out what makes them tick. I admire men who go against their social training, get to know themselves, and have balls enough to change.”
“My best friend in high school and I share everything…. We even tried to share an old girlfriend of mine sexually.”
OTHER MEN
An incredibly personal story is related by a young man:
“The closest I’ve ever been with another man was a best friend in high school. We shared everything and complemented each other’s masculinity with incredible harmony. We even slept in the same bed once, while mansion-sitting for his mother’s boss — naked. We had been swimming, drinking, and having sex with our high school sweethearts. Before we fell asleep, John said homophobically but with humor, ‘Don’t rub butt cheeks, whatever you do!’ We didn’t allow our new teenage head games and hormones to disintegrate our male-bonding. We could have a long, wild, learning night of sex with some babes, then talk intimately of our discoveries without being competitive or unreachable due to sexual attainment. We even tried to share an old girlfriend of mine sexually. She pushed me out of bed and fucked him. He had his personal satisfaction, and then the moment he was done, he dressed himself to find me. I was angrily and confusedly wandering his middle-class neighborhood at 3 A.M. in my underwear with a lead pipe, smashing people’s mailboxes and wooden fences randomly. He told me how worthless the ‘whore’ was and immediately empathized with my psychotic state, which was relieving and balancing. I held no animosity toward him for that weird night. He loved me regardless of schitzy chicks and even temporary sex. It’s been almost ten years.”
But being in groups (not intimate dialogue) is still the favorite way to interact with other men for a large percentage of those responding:
“Our circle is all guys, a little like a fraternity. Part of it is an older group of guys — in their mid- to late-thirties. The second part is guys my own age — just on the cusp or slightly over 30. The third is younger: 24 to 27.”
“The older guys are all getting married now, so they’re out of the loop. The younger guys are still immensely rowdy, even when they have steady girlfriends. The middle group, including myself, seems a bit confused, bridging the gap from hurly-burly youth to respectable adulthood. One on one, we can discuss lots of things; even in groups of three. Art, literature, philosophy, even women and sex can be discussed intelligently, much as women are purported to discuss men. But add a few extra members and it becomes beer and pussy. It’s a lot of false advertising, I think, though a few of us have had our promiscuous times. Anyway, I happen to like the irreverence of these less cultivated gatherings. It’s what makes guys guys.”
A surprising number of men avoid men in groups:
“Men, for the most part, strike me as insensitive and boorish. A truly intelligent man is rare. Thus, most of my friends are women.”
“I regard the so-called men’s movement as an embarrassment. I’ve read those books, and apart from bringing people’s attention to the fact that there are issues to be addressed, they come up with no solid ideas or insights. I don’t participate.”
MASCULINE IDENTITY
“So what the fuck is macho? To me a ‘macho man’ is somebody who does a lot of posturing and lying to impress the ladies.”
Another man is sorting out at least two personae:
“I am selectively macho. I’m 48 years old and I know my limits. If someone thinks less of me for not bungee jumping off a bridge, I can live with it. However, if I am out with a lady and our evening is interrupted by an obnoxious punk or two, I can still enjoy putting my six feet three inches and 235 pounds to good use just to impress her.”
MALE EMOTIONAL IDENTITY
When I asked about the famous stereo-type, “Do you think men are less emotional than women, or that men just don’t show their emotions?”, most men stated, “Men are not less emotional, they just don’t show their emotions.”
One man explained that anger is the only truly permissible male emotion, and that if you think of it this way, men are very emotional indeed:
“Men are explosively angry at times, and often for greater periods of time than women. Men do more damage when angry than women. Shouldn’t that be counted as being more emotional, too? I’m trying to make the point that we are both emotional creatures, just in different ways, but the word ‘emotional’ has come to have a distinctly feminine association.”
MEN AND MONOGAMY
A policeman in his twenties:
“I do believe in monogamy. I have never cheated on my wife. I enjoy being married. I have a wonderful wife and three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs like any other couple. Most of the time we have great communication which, I think, is the single most important reason for our successful relationship. When we do have bad times, we always discover later that, for one reason or another, we had begun failing to communicate. Marriage is hard work. I would not recommend it for everyone. I consider myself very lucky to have found a person I can truly say I am happy being married to. No regrets. I’m perfectly happy in my lasting relationship.”
A man aged 33:
“I’ve been married for over 11 years. My wife is sexually conservative and reserved to the point that I no longer have any real interest. I do refrain from explaining to my wife that I love her as a fine human being but I don’t care much to sleep with her.”
“Any formal agreement that requires a man to sign away his sexuality as well as most of his property and income is a bad contract. In most marriages, the man cannot even count on his wife to make an effort to remain sexually attractive or perform basic household chores without an argument. So what’s the point?”
“If I could have anything I wanted, I’d have a sexual encounter with every third woman I saw. In reality (if I weren’t married) I’d probably see one woman at a time for several months to a year, or at least until she started making noise about ‘commitment.’ ‘Commitment’ generally translates in male-speak to ‘buy me a house and put up with my shit.’ I would never do that again.”
“I like the feeling of being in love. Unfortunately, it’s been a long time and I can’t remember it very well.”
Quite a few men say they are staying clear of relationships now:
“How many women treat their man on Valentine’s Day? Very few. Yet men are expected to do this. Fuck that attitude…Time to own up to the debt and give us men the same in return.”
“I’m entering mid-life crisis. I used to want a committed relationship. When I was younger, I formed friendships with potential wives, only to discover that the time wasn’t right. Later in life I was more desperate and formed long-lasting friendships with women that a level-headed man would have avoided. Now I put more emphasis on sexual experiences which build my ego. Since I’ve never married, I find myself free to indulge in experimentation that would wreck a marriage.”
One man seems dangerously angry with women:
“Love sucks royally because the man is always left on the shit end of the stick. Social mores dictate that he cater to her whims, but she doesn’t cater to his. How many women treat their man on Valentine’s Day? It is usually the other way around. How many women go out and buy a gift of flowers with their own money just because they want to treat their men? Very few. Yet men are expected to do this. Fuck that attitude. Give to me and you’ll get a load in return. Because when I appreciate the thought, I become very attentive. Otherwise, women can piss off. Time to own up to the debt and give us men the same in return.”
“Do your lovers become upset or angry with you? Why?”
“I can be very sarcastic, and in bad situations I would even call it emotional abuse. It is something my sister and I both picked up from our father. I have to be very careful about it. It is never a problem when I am with someone who is strong enough to tell me I am being an asshole when I am. The worst kind of person for me is someone who will take anything.”
“I don’t get angry until they start insulting me. I try reason, even though I don’t see the sense of it, and I always listen to what’s said. The fights end with me saying, ‘Fuck you, I’m history.’”
SPLIT PERSONALITIES
A student at Berkeley, aged 28:
“I am currently in a relationship with a woman 15 years my senior. It is wonderful. I like being in love. “
But he also says this:
“Women don’t care who they hurt or who knows it, as long as they get their way. If women run things any more, I think I’ll move to Japan.”
This was a very common dichotomy — most of the men’s replies shared these contradictions. This is the double reality men have for women in our society: Men love women but often don’t respect them, but if a man has condescending attitudes toward women in general, can he be in love or have a good relationship with an individual woman?
“A woman who I love is always equal in my eyes. To me, women everywhere are different but equal. Unfortunately, it seems that feminists believe that different is never equal. … “
But …
“…Women, frankly, often look for things to get upset about. God knows why …. There’s more splitting of hair with women. And that leads to conflict. I’ve gotten criticism for being selfish, distant, unpredictable, and moody. Those are probably the basic four. A lot of the criticism was justified. And I took it to heart; hence the lack of a woman in my life. But I’m working on it.
“Frankly, I see few instances of people being discriminated against for gender reasons. If anything, I see a more discriminatory thinking (if not actual discrimination) against men. I mean, Jesus, look at the lesbian separatists: Not only won’t they fuck men, they won’t let them fix their toasters.”
THE WOMEN’S MOVEMENT
“Has the women’s movement helped or hurt relationships between men and women? How?”
Statistically, men here are split right down the middle on whether they are pleased or angry about what’s going on in their lives and in the world between women and men … whether the effect of the changes is positive or negative. And half of both of those points of view (half of those halves) hold both views at the same time; i.e., passionate, intense, mixed feelings.
Answers range from the silly (or hilarious) …
“Unfortunately, only during sex does a man have as much legal access to a woman’s chest (both seeing and feeling), especially the nipples, as she always has to his chest — even in public!”
to the profound: …
“I believe the women’s movement was long overdue. As long as women tolerated being second-class people to men, then all other forms of bigotry were possible as well. While the women’s movement was about equality between the genders, which is a step down for women in many cases, the sudden surge of women seeking employment meant surplus labor, which meant lower wages, which meant that it took two people to bring home enough income for a family to live the way a family used to live on only a man’s income.
“So the women’s movement was good for women, but hard on families.
“As with all revolutions, sometimes the good gets thrown out with the bad. I believe some of that happened, too, which today means that we are in a post-revolution reactionary period. Look at the surge in attempted censorship. Once again, people are trying to impose their values on others and push everything under the carpet.”
Half of the men responding are totally in favor:
“I think the women’s movement has helped relationships, mine anyhow. This way I know where she stands in life. If she wants to work, okay, stay home, okay. I make enough money for us to still live good. Not rich, but I’m okay.”
“The United States is primarily run by men. I don’t think this is right. For example, I find it repulsive that a male president and male members of Congress are making decisions as to what a female can and can’t do with her body in regard to reproductive rights! If that isn’t a glaring example of discrimination against women, then I don’t know what is.”
“I believe that women now think sex is for them, too. They can communicate their wants and desires without feeling guilty. Some men may feel sexually threatened by the women’s movement, but I think it’s great.”
And yet, the most common answers (slightly over half) reveal men in inner conflict over this issue. These answers tend to say, “Yes, but ”:
“The women’s movement has both helped and hurt relationships between men and women. Some women became hard-core male-bashers. This turned males off. This, however, is one extreme. The other extreme is the woman who is content to play house-mom and serve the husband. This may appeal to some men, but the majority of men want and gladly accept the woman who is more than a subservient sex object. Women have become enlightened about their own feelings and expectations, and also more enlightened about men’s feelings and expectations.”
A small number of respondents explain that striving for equality is a waste of time:
“The world, nation, and household are male-dominated, by the nature of the beast. Why force something abnormal? A woman has always been the softer, gentler, giver of life, or submissive; that is her nature. Why change that? Tell me what good it does to force an abnormal situation on this nation, or promote the conflict between the sexes?”
“What do we mean by equal? This is like comparing bananas and doughnuts (get it?). I own the company and no employee is equal to me. The only things that make us — men and women — equal are death and taxes.”
MEN VS. WOMEN
We must ask one question which is rather unpleasant — but unavoidable. Is the massive anger that is contained in some men’s statements more than frustration? Is it the same kind of prejudice speaking that allowed Germans to stereotype Jews, or Croatians and Serbs to massacre each other? For certainly, it cannot be denied that some very aggressive anger and hate (and some intentional misunderstanding) come out in some of the replies. Is this “healthy” — “getting it out,” “looking at it” — or just increasing the level of prejudice by reinforcing it? Many men are so angry. Should they be more introspective, empathize with women more, rather than blaming and becoming verbally aggressive? I think looking at it is helpful.
Fortunately, most men hope that everything is going to work out. Most are looking for a way out of the “dreadful mess” of the Reign of Terror of “sexual politics” — however stubbornly they try not to read “those books.”
The next few years will show which is stronger: our common humanity or our involvement with the past; the sad prejudices and stereotypes of the past. So I asked the men to answer this: “If women ran things, would women be fair? Would your chances be better or worse?”
About one-third say women would not be fair “at first”:
“I think women might get a little over-anxious at first because of the way men have been treating them over the years, but it would settle down and everything would be just like it is now.”
“If women ran things, no, I don’t think that at first they’d be fair to men, just like I don’t think that blacks, if they exclusively ran things, would be fair to Caucasians. Both groups would be too intent at first on exacting revenge for wrongs both real and imagined, and which I personally had nothing to do with, in either case.”
An amazing 60 percent say women would not treat men fairly at all — and many imply that women would be somewhat justified in this!:
“Women would have to prove to men how superior they are, just as men have done to them. My chances would be worse for success. Let’s face it, women have been put down. Why would they be fair?”
“While I do not fear the rise of individual women to power, the idea of arbitrarily handing most political and social power to feminists scares the hell out of me. I think with all the male-bashing that has become popular and entrenched in our society, an organized government of women would have men castrated at birth and sent to the salt mines. A few of us might be kept around to fix small appliances and for automotive repair, but I don’t think fairness would crop up very often in the feminine debate over what to do with what would probably be called ‘the male problem.’”
But some men are fearless:
“I feel women could give us the same respect they feel they deserve. The chances for success would be better. They would give everyone a chance, not just a few chosen ones to their liking. A woman president would be a breath of fresh air in everyone’s life. No more wars, just life itself.”
“I don’t think that women would be any more or less discriminatory than men. When I think of women who are in positions of power now, and those who would be likely to take over in the dawn of ‘The Female Planet,’ they seem just as corrupt and controlling as their male counterparts. If communist feminists, who consider gender a class, took over, I fear I would quickly find myself in the swelling hands of a ‘masculinization of poverty.’ Otherwise, they would probably just raise taxes to pay for day care, which is just fine with me.”
“An organized government of women would have men castrated at birth and sent to the salt mines. A few of us might be kept around to fix small appliances and automobiles.”
A small minority of men say that it is wrong to believe that men “run things”:
“The question implies that men ‘run things’ and I am not at all sure that is true. Being a man does not mean that I get to belong to some governmental bubba club with a secret handshake. Politically, men are not organized like feminists and minorities and cannot exert the same kind of influence over the political process. The fact that most legislators and industry leaders are men does not mean that they have some secret alliance with men in general.”
“I took the time to write all this shit because I am fed up with the countless books I have seen published about how bad men are and how fed up women are with them. We are not here purely to provide for the comfort and financial security of women. We are tired of being judged desirable based on our jobs, wealth, or fame. We don’t enjoy being manipulated sexually, and we don’t give a goddamn what some politically correct, feminist lobby thinks healthy, male sexuality ought to be. We are what we are. Learn to enjoy us for what we are or leave us the hell alone.”
MEN AND RAPE
Most men believe that rape is a crime — and not a sexual crime but a crime of aggression and attack:
“I don’t think violent rape by a man whose goal is to hurt or humiliate rather than to exchange pleasure or joy can be overemphasized ….
“Rape is possibly underemphasized by the media. Many women still do not come forward when raped. When the convictions equal the crimes, then the crimes will decline.”
“A dear and lovely young friend of mine who lived alone awoke with this man’s hand over her mouth and a knife at her throat. For the next two hours she did as she was told. She kept her head about her though. She brought him to orgasm with her mouth as he told her, and when he started spurting, she dived through a plate glass window and fell eight feet to the ground in the middle of winter. Naked, she ran down the street to the first house with lights on and pounded at the door, screaming for help. She called me after the police were through questioning her. She was afraid to be alone. She stayed with me for three weeks.
“Many nights I sat on the edge of her bed while she sobbed herself to sleep. She would sit curled up, hugging her knees and staring off into space. Other times she behaved as if everything was fine. She took a lot of showers.
“One night we were sitting on the couch and I had my arm around her and she turned to me and told me that she was afraid of men. She was even afraid of me and she burst out crying. She told me she didn’t want to be afraid anymore, especially of me. We had never been lovers, but we were close friends. She asked me to come to bed with her and just hold her. Lady, that was one of the saddest nights of my life. We had always kidded around about what we’d do if we ever found ourselves in the right situation. Well, here we were in bed together.
“I don’t know how to express what I experienced that night. I couldn’t help getting an erection holding her. I apologized for it. That made her cry. I moved away from her. That made her cry. When I touched her she jumped. We finally fell asleep naked in each other’s arms after having shared many tears and racking sobs. I cried big tears for her that night and she ended up comforting me. A couple of days after that she found a girlfriend to move in with her. What the man did to her was sick. What she has to live with now is a nightmare that pops ·up every once in a while to haunt her anew. She didn’t deserve that.”
Over half of the men responding doubt the validity of women’s “claims” of date rape:
“If a female puts herself in a position where sex is not only possible but highly likely, then it is not rape. Maybe an unwarranted physical assault. But not rape. For example, after a woman has danced with a man all evening, rubbed her body against him, given all the right body language and indications that she is his for the taking, then retreated with him to some secluded place, what is she expecting? She had better be prepared for sex. If he uses excessive force, that is a simple assault. Under such a charge, date rape would get a lot more convictions.”
One brave man actually speculates on his possible role in “pressure rapes”: “When I get the desire to have sex and I’m told ‘not tonight, honey,’ et cetera, I can become quite insistent and it’s an aspect of my behavior I’d like to improve.”
Some men point out that the true meaning of rape and the devastation that it can cause get lost in media sensationalism and the emphasis on “sex”: “What is overemphasized by the media is who the woman slept with, what she likes on a bagel, how many people she slept with, and if she really wanted it. The media handles rape with a tiny mind. Why not? They have to cater to all the tiny minds that will consume the crap they peddle. If they spent less time on her sex life, which has no bearing on whether she said no, and a little more focus on the devastation that is the result of rape, I would be much more satisfied.”
Other men, a minority, disagree:
“I know rape happens and I know it’s a terrible crime, but I am tired of seeing the blame for it laid at the feet of all men in general. There are men who rape and men who don’t. Go after the men that do and leave the rest of us out of it. I would also like to see some acknowledgment from feminists that beyond a certain point, a woman begins to share in the responsibility for what happens to her sexually. I have no sympathy for a man who would force himself on a woman, but I also have little compassion for the woman who behaves promiscuously and then chooses to decline at the last possible moment.”
“Everyone agrees that rape is not about sex — it’s about violence. Yet we sensationalize rape in the media. Why? Because while rape has nothing to do with sex (for the victim or the perpetrator), it has everything to do with sex for· the media. It sells. Have you noticed that when the local TV news is going to do a short story on prostitution or other sex crimes, they always put it dead last and mention that it’s ‘coming up’ just before they put on each commercial? Don’t go away … you might miss 30 seconds of sex talk!”
But men who personally know women who have been raped tell a different story; they are usually glad for the media spotlight:
“The present media emphasis on rape is warranted, necessary, illuminating, and overdue. My ex-lover was date-raped before I met her, although he didn’t quite penetrate her. She told me all about it, and although I didn’t really know what it felt like for her, she told me how good it felt for me not to condemn her for it. In her words, she was afraid she would not be ‘accepted’ after having been raped. Even her aunt, who was both her confidante and a judge, counseled her not to press charges. Condemning her was the farthest thing from my mind.”
THE LAST WORD
What can we do about all of this? Why the strife in our country now? Surely, with people able to conceptualize their feelings and cry out, even on paper, trying to reach others as these men have … surely, with people like this, our tradition of public debate, caring about each other, and trying to work things out is still alive. I am hopeful. So here we are, halfway from Cincinnati to Duluth.
Let’s not give up, let’s remember our goal — a better society, a more just society — and use our history and our experience to keep on refining the road and forging ahead.
The last word? I’ll give one of the men the last word:
“Here’s both a belief and a hope: I believe that the predominant emotion will win out. I optimistically believe in some innate wisdom in the world. And we’re of that world. Therefore we have some of that wisdom in ourselves.”
Presumably, considering our ersatz intellectualism and cultural awareness, this story from 30 years ago — which could have been written 3 months ago — should remind us of the devoted public servants striving to save masculinity. Sadly, it mostly made us hum along as we read, … “We’re MEN. We’re men in TIGHTS!” … Intellectualism may be relative. See?
