The Orgasm Chasm

What Every Woman Should Know to Keep You Both Happy In Bed

Call Girl Sex Secrets

The applause was almost overwhelming. Audience members crowded around, asking questions, requesting autographs, and wanting to shake my hand. I had just given my first legitimate business speech to a group of high-powered C.E.O.-types. As “the Mayflower Madam,” I had been at the epicenter of a sensational tabloid story, a potent 1980s combination of sex, glamour, and money. But it was reassuring to discover that I was perceived not only as a madam but also as a businesswoman who had successfully marketed her company. Surely they knew much more about marketing than I did, yet they were wildly enthusiastic.

Finally, I was able to escape to the powder room, feeling pretty pleased with myself. Immediately, I found myself surrounded by several women who asked if they could have a word with me — privately. I assumed they were going to ask me something like, “Did you face any discrimination as a woman running your own business?” I guess I should have known better.

They all wanted to know the same thing. What did I — and my girls — know about men that they didn’t?

It was the same everywhere I went. Women were always taking me aside and asking some variation on this question. Often they would also whisper, “What can I do so that my husband won’t go to a call girl?”

Since men stray for so many different reasons — and most of them don’t go to call girls — it was impossible to come up with a facile one-or-two-line answer, although heaven knows I’d tried many times over the past several years. It was then that I realized that although my speeches about marketing and how I got into the business were popular, the women in the audience really were far more interested in what special secrets call girls have.

So I developed a four-hour seminar, and now this, to tell all.

If both of you are equally dedicated to a great sex life, why does it so often become routine and boring? Because many of us put sex low on our list of priorities. We leave it until late at night, for example, when we’re too tired to read or even watch TV. It’s amazing, when you think about it. We happily work at so many other things in our lives, from tending the garden to keeping in touch with friends. But sex? A lot of us spend more time on our hair than in bed with our partners. Think about it: You make an appointment, put aside the time, and you’re frantic if the colorist is on vacation. How many of us think that way about sex? The operative word here is priority.

Sex is like anything else you do in this world. You’ve got to spend the time to make it good. Commitment, planning, enthusiasm, plus uninterrupted, attention-paying time — all this, even more than sex, is what a high-class call girl offers.

On average, it takes a man three minutes to have an orgasm (except during oral sex — we should only be so lucky). It takes a woman 18 minutes. Mother Nature sure has a wicked sense of humor.

So it’s hardly surprising that for a man who frequents call girls, one of the most appealing aspects of the whole situation is that he is free to be absolutely selfish. Even though he wants the girl to like him, he doesn’t really have to worry about her orgasm. He can concentrate on his own pleasure since, presumably, she gets her pleasure from receiving a great deal of money.

But when they’re in a relationship, most men are extremely anxious to make sex good for you. Many, however, simply don’t know how. Or rather, they know the mechanics: Simply insert tab A into slot B. There’s no need to ask the woman what she likes. He (and his penis) will just know.

Conversely, many women — myself included — find it difficult to say what they like, because we’re brought up with the equally wacko idea that if he really loves me, he’ll know. Open any romance novel, and there’s a woman shuddering in ecstasy from a man’s touch — a man she just met, who knows how to please her in ways she never even thought of, over and over and over. In fact, one study last year showed that, in general, men’s sexual fantasies focused on reaching orgasm, with little in the way of scene-setting. Women’s fantasies, by contrast, emphasized the who, what, and where of the scenario — mood, ambience, his feelings, her feelings, how he caressed her, et cetera.

The result? Sexual stalemate. If you work up enough courage to give explicit directions, the guy sulks. You may have thought you were offering gentle hints, but he acts like you’ve been barking orders to him through a megaphone. And if you don’t say anything? Well, many of us resort to faking it.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with faking every once in a very great while, when you’re tired and just want things to end, or when you want to please him but really aren’t in the mood to have an orgasm. I usually advised the girls who worked for me not to fake it, however, as I said earlier, there are exceptions to every rule. If the guy had gone out of his way to make it good for the girl, or if he wasn’t going to stop pounding away until she was satisfied — well, then a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

So there are times when it’s expedient to fake it. (If this is someone you don’t want to sleep with on a regular basis, then it’s probably okay.)

But if you fake on a continual basis, this is the message you convey: Honey, you don’t need to touch me for more than two minutes. No sirree. What I really like is for you to get hard, ram yourself inside me, and come. Yup, that there is ecstasy.

So, for the good of both of you, you have to let him know what you want — delicately. Here are a few strategies:

Whatever it is you want, act like he’s doing it already. You’ll never see the following words spoken in a romance novel: “Darling, do you like it better when I touch you here directly, or if I sort of apply indirect pressure by rubbing the lips together?” Yet this is precisely the kind of communication we should be able to have with our lovers.

If you can’t bring yourself to ask directly, say something like, “Oh, I love it when you nibble my ear” — even if he’s never nibbled your ear in his life, even if nibbling your ear is the furthest thing from his mind. He might not exactly remember doing it, but he believes you when you say he did, and you loved it. So what do you think’s going to happen the next time?

Positive reinforcement. If he tells you he loved it when you sucked his big toe, you remember forever, right? Or you remember as if it were yesterday the time he told you he didn’t like something you did in bed. Somehow, with men, that memory chip is missing. Gone. Never existed.

So when he does something in bed you like, you have to belabor the point. Call him at the office and say, “I was just thinking about how you did X, and I got so hot and bothered.” Leave a little note in his pocket. Or tell him, before he goes to work, “I don’t know if you have some time tonight, but last week, when you ate that Jell-O off my stomach, oh, baby …” That’s the kind of feedback he needs.

The art of the moan. Even after seeing When Harry Met Sally …, many women believe it’s unladylike to act like Meg Ryan in bed — and this is a mistake. Men love women who moan. A moan is sort of a visceral thing that you have no control over. Ergo, if you moan, he must be the most incredible lover. Or so he thinks.

It’s simple. When he does something you like, moan; when he does something you don’t like, be silent as the grave. Unless he has the I.Q. of a sand dune, he’ll figure it out. And the more explicit your language is, the better. Even men who like their women demure in public love to hear lots of oohs and ahs and “Harder, harder!” In fact, men are often turned on by dirty words in the bedroom, since it’s apparently their incredible prowess that has drawn such terrible words out of you.

When you climax, try to call out his name. Make sure you get it right.

Make no mistake about it: Men like women who like sex. This is one of the most compelling elements of the sex-worker fantasy. A call girl usually doesn’t initiate sex. If she is charging by the hour, she’s motivated to keep her clients with her as long as possible, and sex usually signals the end of the evening. However, the guy knows that here is a woman who won’t push him away, who won’t be judgmental, who is open to everything, never has a headache, and doesn’t want to wait until the kids are asleep. Intellectually, he may know she’s doing it for the money, but if she’s doing her job, he will believe she’s as thrilled by his body as by his credit card.

Why do men relish your enthusiasm? First, sex is usually the way men express themselves emotionally, since they’re not as adept at expressing themselves verbally as we are. If you want to show him how you feel, you might make him his favorite dinner, keep the kids out of his hair for the evening, give him a back rub, or just tell him. But when he wants to show how he feels about you, he’s more likely to try to have sex with you, even if what he really wants is just to be hugged and fussed over. He often doesn’t know how to ask for closeness without sex. This is the primary reason men love your enthusiasm. It makes them feel loved and close to you.

Second, if you’re enthusiastic, you convey the idea that sex is simply fun. The complaint call girls hear most frequently is, “Yeah, my wife does it with me, but she just doesn’t seem to be having a lot of fun.” Remember when you first started going out together, when you used to laugh and play and just be silly? It’s not surprising then, that some of the best sex for both men and women is at the beginning of a relationship. It’s new, which makes it exciting. But it’s also the blossoming of emotion without everyday cares — you aren’t worrying about how you’re going to pay the mortgage or fix the pool filter.

Great sex is about re-creating that early feeling of excitement with a sense of playfulness.

Here are a few ways grown-ups play:

Photographer. This is a good game for a man who thinks he has a great body. Say he’s undressing one night. Turn to him and say, “Ooh, look at your back! Those lats! Those biceps! Can you just put your arms up a little bit again? Okay, now turn around like this! Wow, you look fabulous!” Pretend you have a camera — if you have one handy, and you’re both comfortable with it, use a real one. (Remember, though, that if you’re using a real camera, he might want to turn it on you. Think carefully about whether you want nude pictures of yourself floating around in this universe, especially if you’re thinking about a future on the Supreme Court.)

Penny for your thoughts. Have your lover lie on his back with his hands at his sides, palms down. Balance pennies on each hand, and on top of each ankle. His mission is to keep the pennies balanced while you turn him on. Your mission is to turn him on so much he forgets about the pennies. (I pretty much guarantee you’ll win this one.) Whoever wins gets the remote control all to herself for an entire weekend.

There are endless scenes you can enact together: “Sheik and harem girl,” “Strangers who just met,” “Sheriff Cody and outlaw,” “Pool man and housewife.” The point here is to bring joy and novelty back into lovemaking.

Ask five different men what their favorite sexual position is, and you’re likely to get five different answers. “Missionary, obviously,” says one friend of mine. “It’s like vanilla ice cream. You want to try every other flavor, but you always come back to the basics.”

“Doggie-style, definitely,” says Peter. “It sort of involves the least restriction of the guy’s movement, it doesn’t require much effort, and, uh, you can see the point of contact. Lots of control, little energy expended, visual stimulation — what more could a man want?”

The common theme here is penetration. Whichever way a man believes he’s penetrating the farthest seemed to win his vote for best position. “However you can be the farthest inside the woman, that’s the best,” says John. “There’s just a feeling that you have arrived.”

I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on basic sexual positions here, but I do think it might be useful to give you a couple of popular tricks call girls use, every now and then, to make those basics even more enticing.

The missionary position. One of the most common complaints of women whose lovers favor the good ol’ man-on-top missionary position is that she can’t climax that way. Well, if you haven’t climaxed before he climbs on top of you, why not take care of the job yourself? Many a man finds it incredibly erotic when a woman pleasures herself while he’s inside her.

With your other hand, you might want to squeeze his buttocks, play with his nipples (if they’re sensitive), or reach underneath him and gently play with his testicles.

Woman kneeling on all fours. Since this position is filled with visual treats of all sorts for your man, you might as well play up the animalistic aspect to the hilt. If you have long hair, encourage him to gather it in his hands, like a rein, while he’s inside you. If he’s very well-endowed and you don’t want him to go in too deeply, put a couple of pillows underneath your stomach and close your legs, so he is straddling them while he’s inside you. This prevents deep penetration.

Woman on all fours is particularly great if you’re on the bed and your lover is standing at the edge of it. But don’t confine this position to your bedroom. It works very well when you’re bent over a chair, the sofa, a tabletop, or the hood of a car.

“It takes men 3 minutes to have an orgasm (except during oral sex — women should only be so lucky). It takes women 18.”

Woman on top. Many women report that being on top is their favorite position, because they can control how deep their lover penetrates them and can move exactly the way they want to for optimal clitoral stimulation. Having him use his thumb on your clitoris is also helpful. A man loves to be able to play with his woman’s breasts, and some of them like it even more if you play with them, too.

One fun call-girl maneuver when the woman is on top: Wait until your partner is close to orgasm, and just as he is about to come, lift his legs toward the ceiling. This requires a bit of strength on your part, and a bit of flexibility on his, but the blood rush to the genitals, plus the stretching of the muscles in the legs, can make for a mighty powerful orgasm.

Side by side, facing each other. Usually, it takes a longish time for a man and woman to climax this way, but the buildup can be terrific. You might have him give you an orgasm before he enters you by rubbing his penis between your thighs, then on your clitoris, as you fondle his testicles.

Spooning. This is a particularly nice way to wake up in the morning when you’re still kind of sleepy and he’s raring to go. (It’s also useful when you’re pregnant, and any position on your back or stomach is awkward.) Have him insert his penis next to the labia in such a way that its head rests against the clitoris. Then you lightly squeeze your legs together, and have him thrust as if he were inside you. You might want him to use a water-based lubricant if you’re not really turned on when he starts. And if worse comes to worse, if you just can’t get that aroused, he can play while you doze.

If the era of AIDS has taught just one thing, it’s this: When it comes to sex, people lie. They don’t mean to, but they do.

You may think you know everything about your partner’s sexual history. He may have told you he’s never done intravenous drugs and never slept with a man. He may have told you he used condoms religiously. Well, almost religiously. “Okay, honey maybe there were a coupla times.”

Now think: Have you revealed every bit of your own history to the person you’re closest to? I don’t care how intelligent, careful, and politically correct you are. Wasn’t there one night — a few nights, possibly — when you were intimate with people whose names you’ve forgotten, and whose medical histories you’ve never asked? Weren’t there a few nights when a guy you didn’t know well was reluctant to use a condom, and you wanted him so badly, you didn’t have the heart to insist? No multimillion-dollar AIDS-education program will overcome the fact that when we’re in lust, many of us believe we are immortal.

AIDS, of course, is what’s given the idea of “safer sex” currency. (I speak here of safer sex, not safe sex, because the only 100 percent safe form of sex is no sex.) But there are many health reasons other than AIDS to practice safer sex. AIDS is the fourth-leading cause of death among women aged 25 to 44, with 13 million more expected to become infected by the year 2000. This is horrific enough. But additionally, each year about 6.5 million American women contract some other form of sexually transmitted disease. And almost all of these infections could be prevented by using condoms.

Let’s get real. Despite all the sloganeering (“Safe sex is hot sex,” “Learn to love latex”), the sensation of intercourse with condoms is never going to be preferable to intercourse without condoms. But that’s not to say that sex with a condom — plus the zillion other variations on sex that don’t involve intercourse — can’t be pretty terrific.

Here’s the attitude shift you need to adopt in order to enjoy latex condoms: They’re not about hindering sex. Rather, they’re about liberating you and your lover from worry — worry of pregnancy and worry about S.T.D.s.

If you’re like me, the whole process of putting on a condom makes you feel like you have the motor coordination of a two-year-old. So when it comes to putting on condoms sexily, all I can do is repeat the famous adage about how you get to Carnegie Hall — practice, practice, practice.

Whatever kind of condoms you prefer, invest in about a dozen of them and a cucumber. (Better yet, a carrot. You don’t want to be making any unfavorable boyfriend-vegetable comparisons.) First, practice by opening up the package in one swift motion. If you consistently find this awkward, keep a small pair of scissors handy by the bed. Next, inspect the condom to see which direction it rolls over the head of the penis/carrot. While rolling, always leave a little space at the top of the condom to catch the ejaculate. Practice the rolling-down motion on the carrot with your eyes closed. Ideally, in the bedroom, you will be able to kiss your boyfriend — thus distracting him a bit — while rolling the condom down with one or both hands. This is certainly preferable to staring fixedly at his private parts while muttering, “Wait … wait … almost got it.… Did that hurt?”

Some European call girls are able to place the condom on the head of the penis, and then roll it down with their lips and tongue. Many men consider this erotic; personally, I consider it kind of a novelty act. (One night, one of my girls who had worked in Europe tried to demonstrate this technique to several of the other girls, using a banana. Apparently, it’s a lot more difficult than it sounds. Several of the girls tried and just couldn’t do it.) But if you think you and your lover might enjoy this, and you can do it at all, go right ahead.

I have to confess to a certain prejudice here. I know the common wisdom says that putting on a condom together can be part of an intimate, bonding experience. But, quite frankly, would you want him inserting your diaphragm? So unless you’re with someone who’s completely inexperienced, or you’re involved with some sort of Summer of ‘42 fantasy, it’s easier and quicker for him to place the condom on himself.

Even though one recent sex survey said that 88 percent of men and 87 percent of women believe oral sex is perfectly normal, my empirical observation tells me that lots of women still aren’t comfortable with it. Which perhaps explains why most working girls say it’s the single most commonly requested sexual act. Many single and married men are still under the impression it’s something nice girls don’t do. And many of those girls agree.

Most women are ambivalent about oral sex simply because, deep down, they really don’t think they know what they’re doing. They’ve heard some guy say, casually, “My last girlfriend gave the best head I’ve ever had,” and they wonder what exactly that means. Most people, when they feel incompetent in any area of life, would rather just avoid the whole subject.

The good news is, you’re probably much better than you think. The biggest secret to great oral sex, according to the men I ask (and I probably ask more than I should): Enthusiasm counts. A man wants a woman who genuinely seems to enjoy doing it for herself and for him.

A lot of women don’t realize just how closely men identify with that portion of their anatomy. They really, honestly believe that the way you feel about it is the way you feel about them.

Treat that part of him with the love and respect — and maybe playfulness — you feel toward the rest of him.

A man begins to think of his penis as a separate individual around the time of puberty, when, suddenly, it seems to have a mind of its own. He can be sitting there in trigonometry class, thinking about sines and cosines, when, suddenly, there it is, popping up, making its presence known. Lots of men even name it: Joe, Sam, Alexander the Great. My girlfriend Angela went out with a man who called his penis Hercules.

Men are visual creatures. One of the reasons they love X-rated movies is that men like to watch — in particular, they like to watch you. So it’s nice to be rather elaborate about fellatio. Don’t just put it in your mouth and start moving up and down. Men like a little foreplay down there; they like a show.

First, work your way down to it, kissing down his chest, stomach, and inner thighs. Tease him a little, start to kiss it, then pull away. You might try licking his testicles and massaging them a bit. Obviously you have to test your man’s individual reactions here. For some men, the moment you put your hand on their testicles, they have visions of high school hockey practice and think you’re going to hurt them.

At any rate, with all this attention, he’s probably standing at attention. Start to swirl your tongue around the head and the shaft of the penis. You might also want to take it, stroke it across your face, give it some light kisses, almost as if you’re worshiping it. Some of you may be thinking, Please, Sydney, are you serious? Believe me, he’ll love this stuff. If you’re still not sure you’re doing this right, rent an X-rated movie and see how the actresses do it — they lick and they swirl. Or practice on a Popsicle. Here are some useful call-girl hand-and-mouth maneuvers.

Hand tricks. While you’re still in the early arousal stages, remove your mouth and tease him by lightly yet firmly rubbing the (lubricated) palm of your hand over the head of his penis-top, sides, front, and rear. This technique involves intense stimulation on the most sensitive part of his penis, so watch his face to make sure the touch isn’t too intense.

Blowing bubbles. While giving him oral sex, pause for a moment, place a bit of champagne or seltzer in your mouth, and go back to what you were doing. The carbonation in your mouth will make him fizz.

Although this article is primarily about what you can do to turn him on, I want to say a few words about the ways he can orally please you, because turning you on often turns him on. Also, too many women don’t have the words to tell him exactly what they like “down there,” and even more women feel uncomfortable asking for his oral attentions in the first place. So you might want to place the next couple of columns where you know he’ll read them (although you should probably avoid the in box of his office desk).

Why is cunnilingus such a, um, touchy subject? First, many women believe they are innately unpleasant smelIing and unattractive. Nothing could be further from the truth. As long as you always wash before your man goes down on you, the taste, smell, and look of your genitals will almost invariably be erotic to him. You’d be amazed how many of our clients at Cachet enjoyed giving oral sex to our ladies, which is surprising, in a sense, when you consider that a working girl may have been with other men only the day before. Still, it didn’t matter to them; they just loved the sensation of being enveloped, in a way, by a woman’s most intimate parts.

Second, a lot of women find the experience of oral sex somewhat cold and lonely. I mean, he’s all the way down at one end of the bed, attending to your pleasure, and you can’t really see or hold him. For women who find cunnilingus somewhat alienating in this way, I recommend the sixty-nine position — performing oral sex on him simultaneously. The disadvantage here, of course, is that it’s easier for him to lose his concentration on you and your pleasure, but if you feel cunnilingus is too “selfish” — although it isn’t! — the sixty-nine position may quell your uneasiness. (Sometimes, too, cunnilingus can be physically cold, because the sheets are somewhere around your ankles! You might do well to turn the heat up in your bedroom beforehand.)

Performing oral sex on a man is a cakewalk compared to a man performing oral sex on a woman. We are more complicated creatures in that area, and every woman likes something different. (When you’re with someone new, you can always tell the way his last girlfriend liked it the first time he does it to you.) Do you like his tongue soft or hard? Do you like direct clitoral stimulation or indirect? If direct, do you like to be licked on the sides of your clitoris or on the top? Most women report that the very top of the clitoris is too sensitive, until they’re so aroused they’re almost at the point of orgasm. Do you like him to use the flat of his tongue or the tip on your clitoris? Most women prefer the flat of the tongue, but most men naturally use the tip. How will he know any of this stuff if you don’t tell him?

Here are a few little tricks you can ask for:

• When his lips and tongue are over your clitoris, tell him to shake his head from side to side a few times.
• Alternately, when he’s positioned in this way, tell him to hum. The vibrations can be incredible.
• Have him insert a finger or two in your vagina, or one finger in or against your anus, while he’s going down on you. Even if you don’t like the idea of anything inserted in your anus, just the pressure of his thumb there can be tantalizing.
• Suggest that he put a small ice cube in his mouth. The ice shouldn’t be in constant contact with your genitals; it’s the variation between his hot mouth and the melting ice cube that’s exciting. Obviously, this one is better on a steamy hot night.

Of course, proficiency at fellatio and your basic sexual positions is really just Sex 101, vanilla sex. It will be up to you and your partner to try a few more exotic flavors on your own.

Honestly you might think we’d venture into sex education more often than we do, although one could reasonably determine we have a significanot connection to orgasms, if not quite always from an educational road. Old folks might even remember “The Happy Hooker” breaking a lot of ground back in the 70s. Apparently even a follow up exists. Nice. … People should just talk about sex more, don’t you think?