What can you possibly learn from the heroes in romance novels? The perfect things to say in bed.
Pillow Talk Techniques
Are you hoping to score with a woman who’s enamored of trashy romance novels, or obsessed with her recent discovery of erotica, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey? Follow the example of those romantic leads when it comes to seductive words, and you can bring her to her knees. (Yes, I mean that literally.)
Before we begin, you have a few pillow talk caveats to keep in mind.
- Use these carefully, preferably only one or two per encounter. If you suddenly start sprouting a ton of flowery prose. she’ll think you’re being insincere, and you just might find yourself out of luck.
- If necessary, practice a couple of phrases beforehand. until they sound natural. You don’t want to fumble your delivery, unless you can make that Hugh Grant-style stumbling-over-words thing work for you.
- Try whispering one, as if you don’t mean for her to hear it.
- Women in romance novels who have failed to satisfy their partners in the past aren’t frigid; each and every one of them has been with men who weren’t good in bed. These books set women’s sexual-satisfaction bar high, and she’s going to expect you to take the time to get her off. If you’re looking for more than one night with her, you’ll need to deliver.
- If you want to get her into talking dirty, these comments are just the beginning. Ease into stronger language, but keep an eye on her reactions. If she stiffens up, you’re pushing past the boundaries of her current comfort level. Rein it in, at least temporarily.
With all of that in mind, then…
Pillow Talk: First Base
During a makeout session, it’s all about putting her in the right frame of mind to take things further.
I want to see this mouth on me so badly.
Try this while running your thumb along her lip, then ease it between her lips and into her mouth. There’s nothing wrong with letting her know you’re fantasizing about her and what she might do to you.
You have such lush curves.
This will not be news, but virtually every woman has body-image issues. No matter how much you might appreciate a girl’s physique, there’s something about her body that she absolutely hates. And if she’s even the slightest bit heavier than she wishes she were, this is the accepted romance-novel way to tell her you’re into the way she’s built. Of course, if she’s self-conscious about being thin or her small cup size, avoid this.
Pillow Talk: Second Base
Now you’re getting somewhere. Your immediate goals should be to not fuck it up, and to get her thinking of getting naked.
I want to taste every inch of you.
If you want her thinking about sucking you off, you have to let her know you’ll reciprocate. Trust me, the men in those books are all about making the women come, and come hard.
You’re so responsive.
This should be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she thinks you’re aroused by her reactions, she’ll get into it more. If you want her to make more noise, try, “You make the sweetest sounds.”
Pillow Talk: Third Base — Your Turn
There’s no downside to increasing the odds of getting a great blowjob with a few words. Bear in mind that unless you’re role playing, silently pushing her head toward your crotch annoys most women.
You don’t have to …
Twenty-first-century romance novels are big on having the heroine express how empowering it is to give a blow job successfully, with frequent remarks about how incredible it feels to know she has so much power over her partner. Capitalize on that sentiment by letting her think it’s all her idea.
As great as this is, I don’t want to come in your mouth. I need to be inside you.
Reinforce the idea that she holds the power, and never forget to praise her skills, even if — actually, especially if — she could use some improvement. In a perfect world, she’ll decide to take on the challenge of not giving you what you said you want. But telling her you love what she’s already doing opens the door to steering her toward the type of hand-and-mouth work that you like.
Of course, she might respond to this by stopping. If you think that’s likely, try the next line instead.
God, please tell me you’re not finished. I’m not too proud to beg.
Again, it’s all about praising her skills and giving her the power. If she’s giving up too early on giving head, boosting her ego by telling her how great she is could lead to an extended performance, or an encore.
Pillow Talk: Third Base — Her Turn
Time to give as good as you get. For the record, heroes in romance novels all go down on their partners, happily and successfully.
You’re so ready for me.
That’s right. you’re praising her for getting into the action … again. You really can’t go wrong pumping up the confidence of the average woman. And since a large percentage of ladies find it arousing to be told how hot they are, getting her off will be that much easier.
You taste so sweet.
This is another one of those things that most women can’t hear enough. Many ladies are self-conscious about how they smell and taste, and they’ll love to hear you say you like it.
Bring It Home
Want a rave review when she talks to her friends? Save a little seductive language for the main event.
You’re so tight.
Every woman in the world wants to feel like you think her pussy is perfect. And really, when she’s granting you access to it, it is a perfect pussy, right?
Don’t move your arms.
Test the kinky waters with “honor” bondage. Tell her to put her hands behind her back or over her head (depending on the position you’re in), both of which thrust her breasts forward, and to keep them there until you say she can move. This is a good way to see if she’d be into being restrained.
Rush Job
If you find yourself in a situation where you just can’t wait till she comes first, make that all about her. too.
I don’t know how long I can hold back.
And you can’t hold back for one simple reason: She’s just that hot. It has nothing to do with the staying power you normally have. Alternatives include: You make me lose control/I want to take my time, but … All you have to do is touch me and I lose control.
You make me as crazy as a horny teenager.
This also works if you feel like your enthusiasm is aversely affecting your performance. How on earth can you be expected to be smooth and suave when she’s so desirable?
Pillow Talk: Exit Strategy
Find it time to extricate yourself from a clingy fling? Try these new takes on “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I can’t be what you need.
Whether she’s looking for a husband or a date for her sister’s wedding, make it clear that she’s incredible. but you just can’t measure up.
I wish I could give you what you deserve.
This is another variation on the same theme. As great as the sex has been you’re just not good enough for her.
While we do find it fascinating that in our “parallel to romance novels” approach we have substituted the Happily Ever After ending with Getting the Hell Out of Dodge scenario. That said, Penthouse in those “late porn era” days did skew cringingly into outdated (we hope) views of men and their desires. If you really want to break up with someone, use the Sheldon Cooper approach. “I’m bored with this. I don’t want to do it anymore.” … If you want to have great sex, you have to be honest with your partner. If you want to stop, the same philosophy should apply.
NOW … on the off chance that any of these baseball metaphor suggestions work, we pulled another article from the February 2013 issue of Penthouse to revisit here as well. Maybe you want to talk about something not precisely sexual in order to get your partner (female or male) into the mood. … Yeah, we’re crazy around here now.
Filthy Geography … y’know, for Pillow Talk
No matter your political beliefs or social status, every English-speaking person on the planet can agree on one thing — the fact that there are villages named “Fucking,” “Anus,” and “Dildo” is funny.
I don’t care how mature you are, if you don’t crack up laughing at “Anus, France,” you don’t have a soul. If any of these towns lack an explosive tourism trade, I can only say that they are badly mismanaged.
- Fucking, Austria — (Pronounced “fooking.”) “Fuck” is one of the seven words you can’t say on TV. and this town is spelled exactly like fuck’s present participle, so it wins No.1. Four road signs with Fucking’s name on them are the town’s most famous feature, and are frequently stolen (Fucking’s only reported crime). at great cost to the city, causing some residents — “Fuckingers” — to consider changing the name in 2004. The majority voted against doing so, and the municipality’s mayor even stated, “Everyone here knows what it means in English, but for us, Fucking is Fucking-and it’s going to stay Fucking.” Attempting, unsuccessfully, to get a quote from a Fuckinger, I asked a friend. “Do you know anyone from Fucking?” He cleverly responded, “Everyone comes from Fucking!” If Fucking doesn’t already have a slogan for bumper stickers, it does now.
- Anus, France — France is a country known for its production of fabulous perfumes, and I have no doubt that Anus smells as sweet as anything Coco Chanel’s factories ever produced. For a good time, go to Booking.com and type in “Anus, France.” It will tell you it’s “searching for hotels in Anus.”
- Dildo, Newfoundland — Each summer, this village celebrates Dildo Days, featuring a flotilla of decorated boats that circles the bay. In the prow of the first boat stands an effigy of an old Newfound land sea dog named Captain Dildo. Best superhero name ever!
- Wankum, Germany — Wankum is a picturesque town with another heavily photographed sign. Also in Germany — a mountain called Mount Wank and a town named Weener.
- Wankers Corner, Oregon — Far from Wankum, Germany, there is Wankers Corner. Because it is defined as a locale, it has no post office, but it does boast Wankers Corner Saloon & Cafe. I hope they take reservations!
- Intercourse, Pennsylvania — While not the filthiest name in the bunch, I have actually been to Intercourse, so there. However, I was only six, so I had no idea how funny it would be later in life and didn’t take notes. Bottom line — Intercourse is a sleepy little Amish town that might be better served calling itself “Resolution Phase Town.” The movie Witness was filmed there, and the film For Richer or Poorer was set there. Unsurprisingly, its street signs are also frequently stolen.
- Blue Ball, Pennsylvania — Conveniently located just a few miles from Intercourse, Blue Ball is another sleepy little town. It was named after the Blue Ball Hotel, which was torn down in 1997. Finding any info on this town was almost as frustrating as blue balls themselves.
- Twatt, Scotland — There are actually two Twatts in Scotland: one in the Shetland Islands and one in the Orkney Islands, which means double the fun. Both Twatts take their name from an Old Norse word meaning “small parcel of land.”
- Nob End, England — Sadly, from around 1850 to 1870, Nob End was used as a dumping ground for alkaline waste. The waste, known as “galligu,” was a blue sludge that smelled like bad eggs. Since then, most things have gotten better in Nob End, except its moniker.
- Tie — Choosing ten wasn’t easy, because the world is full of silly place-names for which we are grateful, and none of which we should take for granted. Hence, the tenth spot will go to the “honorable mentions”: Ballplay, Tennessee; Beaverlick, Kentucky; Big Beaver, Pennsylvania; Assloss, Scotland; Bumpass, Virginia; Climax, Georgia; Cockplay, Scotland; Muff, Ireland; Pussy Creek, Ohio; and, finally, Spread Eagle, Wisconsin.
Of course, should you wish a specifically American list, Reader’s Digest had provide a lengthy and helpful (and hilarious) one. As as aside, who knew Reader’s Digest was still around? … Bottom line, laughter makes a much better aphrodisiac than almost anything else in the world. Sure, it probably still comes in second to MONEY, but we’ll save that cynical conversation for a later time. … For now, we’re headed to Google Maps to figure out how long it will take us to get to Sweet Lips, Tennessee. Sounds like an excellent place to recruit. Then we’ll head through Kickapoo, Kansas on the way back, so we’ll bring extra shoes. We can talk about Pillow Talk and the application of romance novels in modern dating life on the trip. … Just sayin’…
