In our most definitely finite wisdom, we have decided that should one ever have the Bill Murray sort of “Groundhog Day” experience, it really should involve 69 at some point. Imagine being able to perfect that.
How to Have a Successful 69
Want to start controversy? Ask people how they feel about 69s. There is no fence-sitting, only face-sitting, when it comes to the infamous 69 position. People either love or hate 69s with a fiery passion. There’s never an in-between.
A 69 has all the elements of a damn good time. After all, it is the only sexual position that, at least in theory, is equally pleasurable for both parties. A 69 has the potential to be the absolute height of intimacy as you can’t physically get much closer to each other. It’s the only position where your attentions are entirely focused on pleasuring each other—which is mostly due to the fact that you’re head-locked between another person’s legs.
Sure, the 69 can be awkward and requires a bit of coordination. And, yes, the word “sixty-nine” is the butt of the joke, eliciting smirks everywhere it’s name-dropped. But the 69 gets an undeserved bad rap, if you ask us. Here are a few things to consider the next time you wine, dine and 69.
Communication
Firstly, there is a lot of choreography involved in pulling off a successful 69 position. Even just getting into position can be a challenge, as you become a nude tangle of sweaty limbs, heads crammed between thighs and mouths hunting genitals, while you try to avoid a stiff limb to the eyeball. The number one key to a successful 69 is to have good oral skills—of the verbal variety. If you can’t communicate during a 69, you’re metaphorically screwed. XCommunication is going to help you get into a position that feels good for both of you, rather than feeling like your head is a pimple on the brink of bursting from the thighs that have it in a vise-like grip, while you’re being slapped in the face with an angry pool noodle.
Experiment
The key to smashing a 69 is experimenting with what works for you and your partner. Change it up with who goes on top and who’s on the bottom. If positioning yourself like an oral sex sandwich isn’t working for you, try rolling onto your sides and top and tailing each other. Trying different positions will allow you not only to find a 69 compromise that works for each of you, but it also gives you the opportunity to explore each other’s body from new angles, potentially introducing you to new hotspots. The 69 is also a great position for you to expand your oral game. Mouths and tongues can offer a wide variety of sensations that your genitals can’t compete with. Take the time to explore the nether regions in front of you as you lick, flick, blow, suck, nibble and kiss until you have your partner talking in tongues.
Arrange Backup
It’s a fact that you’re more likely to have someone accidentally fart in your face than you are to have an orgasm during a 69. Especially if you’re of contrasting heights or size, and you’re trying to orgasm while your neck is crunched forward for an eternity, or you’re on top and you’re giving head while doing some kind of demented crotch headstand, while you both aim for that movie-style simultaneous orgasm moment. Wishful thinking. In these instances, it always helps to have some backup before you find yourself locked into this situation. No, I’m not talking about bringing your neighbor Keith in for some action—unless you’re into that. I’m talking about God’s greatest invention—the sex toy. Think of it like this: Your mouth is generally working hard during a 69, but your hands are roaming free. Have a few small sex toys—like a bullet vibrator or a butt plug—under your pillow and whip them out at an opportune moment to give you a helping hand and relieve the load.
The Math of 69
Although the preceding magazine article does perhaps say more about the author than she intended, the biggest oversight might have been simple advice to enjoy what you can with the position. It can be perfectly awesome as foreplay, for example, and if the cortorted positions make you feel silly, well, a little laughter during sex can be a wonderfully intimate thing. Basically, if you cannot lay side-by-side for whatever reason, put the smaller person on top, and just have fun. Radically different torso sizes may indeed make the whole simultaneous goal completely impractical anyway, but taking turns can still be quite pleasant.
Of course thinking about the variations of 69 obviously got us thinking about the mathematics of the number, and we learned a few things that frankly almost none of us understood, but still seemed really important to mathmetician types. Regarding 69, serious numbers people tell us:
- It qualifie as a semi prime, the product of two prime numbers, 3 and 23.
- It also happens to be the last possible television channel number in the UHF bandplan for American terrestrial television from 1982 until its withdrawal on December 31, 2011.
- The Roman numeral would be LXIX. (Which has to be prounced “licks” — right?). Not only that, but
- The Messier object M69 is a magnitude 9.0 globular cluster in the constellation Sagittarius.
Yowza. That all qualifies as far, far away from orgasms or even foreplay in our book. Still, a less serious numbers person might point out that the square root of 69 would be Ate Something. [sic, we know]
For our specific sphere of existence, or for anyone familiar with the Los Angeles freeway system, you could be interested to learn that if you multiply 69 by 101 you get 6969 — which could make for an interesting carpool if nothing else.
To be clear, we make no apology for the preceeding addendum to the magazine article because not only might you find it interesting, but honestly we mostly interact with professionals around here, and if you think something as simple as a 69 would throw them, well, you have clearly not watched enough adult movies. Should that be the case, enjoy your research.
Wow. All that talk about “69” and not a single mention of Barrack Obama. Well, maybe you do not follow politics, or Twitter, but we can be “nice” at the conclusion here and let you know why for a few months with the former President, the number ran through a bizarre history. Then again, one could argue that since the domination of social media began, ALL history qualifies as bizarre.
