James White was just the kind of man the military likes: tough, hardworking and willing to face the fight. Over the course of four grueling tours in Vietnam, he rose through the ranks from a gunner to a helicopter pilot, and then a member of a special operations group. He scouted for missing GIs, conducted reconnaissance into Laos, Cambodia and China, and earned the nickname “Sneaky” after navigating a dense minefield without a scratch. “I would fly and get shot at four to 10 hours every day,” White told me. He returned from one particularly harrowing mission with his copilot’s brain splattered across his flight suit.
“I drank single-malt scotch, a fifth of it every night, just to go to sleep,” he said.
When White left the military after serving for a decade, he had the accessories of an American war hero: He had earned numerous military ribbons and was the first enlisted Marine since World War II to be honored with the Distinguished Flying Cross. Internally, however, he was struggling with untreated mental trauma—and as a result, he was plagued by insomnia, consumed by alcoholism and fueled by adrenaline. He often tested his own will to live, which included taking up skydiving and regularly pulling open his parachute at the last possible second. “When I came home, they said I was a totally different person,” he recalled.
White’s pain was eased when he found companionship in Nancy Napoli. It was love at first sight as he watched her water her lawn. They married in 1978 and settled in Palm Springs, Calif., where White worked as a construction foreman. But according to White, not long into their union, Napoli’s abusive ex-husband began threatening the couple, and then he molested one of Napoli’s daughters from a previous relationship. The pair took out restraining orders against the ex, but reportedly, the man repeatedly violated them. “It was an ongoing war,” White said. “It was either him or me that was going to die. I guess I became the valor.”
Fed up, White dressed in his military fatigues on April 2, 1980, brushed black paint across his face, and drove to the machine shop where the ex worked. Then he shot and killed him.
White would later be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but his trial occurred just months after this illness was first recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. In court, White was painted as a crazed Vietnam vet, convicted of murder and given a sentence of life without parole.
He is part of a generation of veterans who have languished behind bars as researchers have cemented connections between military mental trauma and behavioral shifts that can lead to run-ins with the law. We now understand PTSD as a disorder that can cause flashbacks, nightmares and hallucinations—and can lead to destructive behavior. According to a 2020 study by the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), veterans with PTSD are about 60 percent more likely to be caught up in the criminal justice system than those without it.
Studies have also confirmed a long-suspected reality: Incarceration exacerbates mental illness. Yet more than 100,000 veterans remain locked up, a disproportionate number of whom served in Vietnam.
All major American military conflicts—from the Civil War to the invasion of Iraq—have spawned mental health epidemics treated chiefly through punishment and incarceration. But it wasn’t until 1980 that we recognized PTSD, and the Vietnam generation became the first to benefit from a diagnosable condition that could help explain some transgressive behavior. Still, many were swept up in mass incarceration. By 1986, a staggering 20 percent of state prisoners reported prior military service. Two years later, the VA found nearly half of Vietnam veterans with PTSD had been arrested or sent to jail at least once. “When it came to my peers in Vietnam, we became trained killers taught to search out and destroy the enemy,” Floyd “Shad” Meshad, a veteran advocate and friend of White’s, told a reporter in 2018. “And they didn’t de-tune us when we came back.”
White is a living example of how the military—and the public—treats veterans who act on war trauma. And the stigma is even worse for active duty service members facing the military court system, which has exclusive jurisdiction over crimes committed by active members—on or off the battlefield.
Military courts mimic the trappings of the civilian legal system. But, in contrast to civilian courts, military defendants don’t face a jury of their peers; they’re often judged instead by higher-ranking service members handpicked by a general. They can be convicted without the unanimous consent of that jury and have limited avenues for appeal. Many face no trial at all. Instead, they are processed by administrative boards with loose rules about evidence, testimony and the burden of proof. Commanders control cases at nearly every turn, bringing charges, convening the court, supervising prosecutors and picking a jury.
In the military court system, ensuring justice often takes a back seat to competing priorities, particularly the requirement to maintain “good order and discipline.” Sentencing practices are therefore severe and clemency standards narrow. Rampant prejudice against PTSD is exemplified by so-called sanity boards, which are convened to determine whether defendants are mentally fit to stand trial.
Army Major Karl V. Umbrasas, a clinical psychologist, recently analyzed a sampling of service members who had been put through sanity boards—and found that PTSD was almost never treated by the court as the severe mental disease that clinicians deem it to be. “Despite the prevalence of PTSD in the U.S. military, its impact on criminal responsibility in the military justice system is unclear,” he wrote.
For veterans in the civilian legal system, however, there’s hope. One of the largest strides has come through veterans treatment court, the first of which launched in 2008. Today, there are 100 civilian courts in 25 states that provide therapy, mentorship and VA benefits to veterans, including those charged with violent felonies.
While White never enjoyed the compassion of this system, he was given clemency and released from prison in January 2020 at the age of 77. Two days later, he took up the mission of freeing other veterans, work he intends to continue until the day he dies. He corresponds with 300 veteran pen pals locked up across the country, informs them of relevant state laws, helps them fight for parole and connects them to VA benefits once they’re released from prison.
His PTSD makes it impossible for him to get a good night’s sleep, so he conducts much of his advocacy in the wee hours of the morning, following his daily perimeter checks. White begins his messages with his own story and ends on a hopeful note. “I explain who I am, where I served, what I did,” he said. “I want them to know they are talking to a combat vet who knows their experiences. I tell them I did my 40 years, but I came out. I tell them that they can do it. They can hang in there and get it done. It’s important they know someone who has walked in their shoes, so to speak, who’s been able to manage things and be successful. And be free.”
We have covered PTSD a lot over the years in Penthouse, and we plan on continuing to do so until the government steps up to honor its commitments to these broken men. We ran a Penthouse Legacy article on the issue in these very pages. We are rerunning the various help resources available from that article below.
Break the PTSD to Prison Chain
Swords to plowshares has been helping soldiers, veterans, and their families since 1974.
Height: 5’11” Measurements: 34C-28-32 Hometown: Lincoln, NE Fun Fact: Denver Broncos fan
Sassy beauty Val Dodds jumped into adult entertainment with both feet. The Nebraska native made headlines in 2013 when she was busted for posing in the buff on the football field of her old high school — and served 30 days in jail for indecent exposure! The blonde beauty has come a long way since then. She keeps a busy schedule modeling, feature dancing and shooting movies—and now she’s gracing the pages of Penthouse!
But the leggy lovely hasn’t lost her thirst for adventure and says her most remarkable sexual experience happened in a department store dressing room, and the 27-year-old stunner admits, “I’m up for anything public!”
Do you have a dream job?
Herpetologist. When I lived in Vegas, I fell in love with how many different reptiles are out there! [Contrary to what you may presume, herpetologists to not in fact study herpes. Please do not get confused.]
Most orgasms in a day?
Eight. [If you’re still counting, you need more.]
Which celebrity do you most admire?
Shakira. She’s so talented! Singing, dancing, XX xx skateboarding! She can do everything! [Yeah, people that talented can really be annoying, right? ]
Do you have a pet peeve?
When things aren’t clean. I’m kind of a clean freak. [Not our favorite kind of freak, but we could hang with Ms. Dodds if it required washing a dish or two and picking up our socks.]
Photographs by The Edge Image
We love this new “Social Premiere” feature. We’re now supposed to tell you to Subscribe — which we have now done. See Val Dodds naked in print, yada-yada. Admittedly this one came from the Nov/Dec issue of Penthouse from last year, but as we all know, a few things in life never suffer from being “dated” in appearance. Actually, we can imagine a lot of interest in seeing Val “dated” now that we think about it.
Before we get to that, though, we can learn some thing not making the magazine cut. …
How did you get involved in the adult industry?
Started my own website and posed naked at my old high school and got sentenced 45 days in jail then started shooting for bigger companies after my story was out!
Are you attending/did you attend college?
What school? Nope!
What do you do for a living?
I recently started a tanning business right before Covid, and still shoot for the adult industry! Keeps me pretty busy 🙂
What is your favorite thing about your job?
For spray tans I love giving women a natural golden glow for their special occasion! They are always so excited and its just an awesome feeling that I could boost their confidence with just a spray tan!
Favorite shows and movies?
The 2021 Cruella de Ville movie right now!
What do you think is the hottest movie sex scene?
A Knights Tale
Favorite foods and drinks?
Runza and Unsweetened Tea. [If you need some help on what a “Runza” might be, you may know it as a “Bierock” should you have some German heritage. If neither of those help, think of a beef, cabbage, and spices mixture baked inside a fresh roll. Then think, “Yum.” We suggest adding beer, but that could be a personal thing.]
Favorite way to get a workout?
I go to the gym every morning! I lift weights for an hour then finish with 45 mins of cardio!
What is your favorite fantasy?
To own a zoo.
What is the most exciting place you’ve ever had sex?
A Church.
What gets you in trouble the most?
Not being patient. [Well, that could explain the “church” answer, certainly.]
Celebrity sex fantasy?
Elvis Presley.
OK. Full disclosure that last question was in the magazine too, but the answer felt like it deserved coming at the end so that we might consider what it may say about our lovely Val Dodds. It could mean a lot of things, so feel free to ruminate at your leisure. For our part, we’re truly proud we did not say anything about Val being a hunk of burning love or how she makes us all shook up. … Amazing the restraint we can show. Truly.
Should you love the photography here — like we did — you should check out The Edge Image on Instagram — like we did. Val, as one might expect, has Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and even a dedicated web site where one can purchase all sorts of interesting things. We will, of course, not reveal the office favorite option, because that would reveal too much about us.
From the GPS in your car, to the smartphone you use to watch videos and check your work emails, technology is indispensable. We’re stuck in a digital box with no escape, and that box is getting smaller and smaller, with the advent of always online, internet-connected devices that are part of the so-called Internet of Things (IoT).
The Internet of Things offers the promise of convenience at a low, corporate-subsidized price tag for a high-quality product that does what you need it to do. You don’t even own it. However, it comes with a hidden cost. This digital reality in which we live provides corporations with all new ways to monetize our existence.
Your life, experiences and habits are for sale. Everything you do is tracked; nothing is off-limits. How many times you open your fridge? How many times a week you wash your clothes? How often you sip your drink? It’s all for sale. Corporations are selling that information, and governments are buying it.
As mundane as it seems, it’s in the interest of every marketer to know what your habits are. Nestlé wants to know how many scoops of sugar you put in your cup of coffee, how much milk you put in it and how many times a day you drink it.
They sell you products they know you’ll want to buy through targeted ads — and then some. Corporations will argue that information helps them make better products — and that may be so — but the one-size-fits-all approach distills every unique experience into something generic. A cup of Nescafé, while decent, will never taste quite as good as your personal cup of coffee.
You are for sale — whether you like it or not.
Security and privacy are sacred, but the Internet of Things deprives us of our most intimate human experiences. To be part of this new digital reality, we end up sacrificing what little privacy we have left for ourselves without even realizing what we’re giving up. With the ever prevailing claws of the IoT encroaching into our daily lives, it’s impossible to escape. There is no “off” switch or opting out unless you want to live as a pariah in the wilderness — as Henry David Thoreau did in Walden.
The United Kingdom is now set to launch a social credit program to tackle the country’s obesity crisis. This program, which is modeled on a similar scheme in Singapore, calls on citizens to install an app that tracks the dietary habits and physical activity of those who choose to opt-in.
In return, the high-performing users are rewarded with “loyalty points” to be exchanged for discounts, free tickets and other incentives — all subsidized by the taxpayer, of course. Based on some cost-benefit analysis, the economists behind the strategy figured out it’s cheaper to train people’s behavior than it is to treat them after they get sick and depend on the socialized National Health Service to take care of them.
Either way, it’s behavioral conditioning. Such systems, which operate on information provided by the Internet of Things — allow coercive governmental and corporate forces to run massive, country-sized Skinner boxes and silently dictate the behavior of every individual through a system of rewards and punishment.
What may seem like an opt-in program that rewards people for exercising and buying healthy foods is, in fact, a punishment for doing the opposite. That one time you sneak a bite of a doughnut? That’s your extra allowance for the week gone.
None of this would have ever been possible were it not for the ubiquity of the Internet of Things.
The world’s governments, for all their good intentions of behaving like nanny states, don’t always have anyone’s interests at heart. After all, the food pyramid was a lie. Corn is bad for you. Can you really trust the government to dictate what’s best for you?
Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, infamously described this digital reality as the “technological society” to which we are enslaved. In his so-called manifesto, the “Industrial Society and Its Future,” Kaczynski warned of the next — and now ongoing — Industrial Revolution and its consequences on the human race.
Although it’s impossible to justify his acts of terrorism upon private citizens and institutions alike, Kaczynski’s fears are being proven right with every step of the way we take on the road to glorious technological connectivity.
Should you wish to get really geeky into how network vulnerabilities can really mess with your life, we can provide a link to an article on a site actually called IoT-NOW. Should that sound like a truly horrible way to spend some of your precious time, we can suggest a much tastier alternative. may we suggest a gander at Ben & Jerry’s Flavors? Or you could go outside and take a walk and try to imagine all the little networks tying all your neighbors’ stuff together and all the teeny bytes of data floating invisibly along your trail. At they point, a different kind of “bite” might seem like a darned good idea. We can assure you that odds are very good that someone near you has ice cream for sale.
Height: 5’5″ Measurements: 34B-23-33 Hometown: Saint Petersburg, Russia Fun Fact: Dedicated to Helping Orphans
Becki tells Penthouse her favorite way to relax is by putting the pedal to the metal! She counts the Fast & Furious movies as some of her favorite flicks and is always raring to watch professional racers. But this driven entertainer isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty — the brown-eyed brunette is also a trained auto mechanic. While this sexy performer has her eyes on the road ahead, we’re happy to take in the rear view. With her shapely figure, long legs and enchanting personality, Becki certainly revs our engine.
What’s your favorite thing about your hometown?
Saint Petersburg has its own colorful and eclectic style of architecture. There are many beautiful buildings and homes in the city. It’s often called the Venice of the North because it’s built on 101 islands and crisscrossed by about 350 bridges. It’s just gorgeous.
What’s your favorite sex fantasy?
I want to fly in a helicopter over an island and do naughty things with the pilot. But I’d also love to have sex in a police car.
What’s your favorite thing about being a camgirl?
Thanks to my work, I have made many friends all over the world. I’ve learned a lot about people’s different traditions.
When you’re dating a new man, when do you know if you want to have sex with him?
I need to get to know a guy before I’m intimate with him. Looks definitely count — to a point. But feeling are more important to me, so I need to make sure I’m emotionally comfortable, in addition to being turned on!
Photographs by Anna Turacheva
So all of that appeared in the limited space available in the Penthouse printed edition. Because it turns out that pixels are cheaper than ink, paper, and mailing, we have more freedom here and can learn a bit more about Becki White. In fairness to the Publishing Department, they do get to run naked photographs in their edition, so if you both Subscribe AND visit us for free, you get the full package. If we have learned nothing else in nearly 60 years of being in an industry aimed at adults, we can tell you with certainty that your package matters.
On with Becki…
What is your favorite workout?
I love biking around my city
And your favorite way to relax?
I get pleasure and relaxation from a fast ride. [We presume she means either on a bicycle or in a car, but the answer was not perfectly clear, and there could be other interpretations. -Ed.]
What is your favorite sex position?
No matter how banal it sounds, I prefer doggy. [Granted that may qualify as the worst question ever asked of an adult star, because as honest answer would always be “it depends” — from anyone, we included it here because one does not often hear the word “banal” these days. Already we have thought of many ways to bring this word into our own conversations, just in the coming week. -Ed.]
What is the most remarkable sexual experience you have ever had?
Probably as for many girls, the most memorable moment was the first time. I remember how I was confused and excited.
What is the most daring thing you have ever done?
I once arranged an afternoon photoshoot in the middle of the city wearing just my underwear.
What is the sexiest quality a person can possess?
The ability to recognize their partner’s desires without any hints.
When are you the happiest?
I am happy when I get behind the wheel of my car. After all, only by pressing on the gas do I experience freedom.
If you could live the life of anyone in history, who would it be?
A tempting question, but I prefer to remain myself.
What gets you in trouble the most?
My constant desire to do the right thing.
So there you have it. We have all learned that it would be great fun to go for a ride with Becki White. If the car broke down, she could even fix it. Also, by glancing at a couple of the pictures in the gallery here, there may be other reasons this could be an adventure.
You can find Becki White on Instagram (somewhat obviously these days) @lerabenz20 although last we checked that account had been shut down (also more and more obviously these days). Becki’s more private endeavors happen at Flirt4Free and that never gets taken down. The people at Flirt4Free have much more open attitudes about many, many things as it turns out. Go figure.
Amid the chaotic U.S. pullout of Afghanistan, an intrepid collection of military heroes helped shepherd more than a thousand people to safety in an ad hoc effort dubbed the Pineapple Express, which allowed evacuees to fly out of the power-keg country. Although the fallout from America’s whirlwind evacuation — and the Taliban’s resurgence — has yet to be fully determined, one thing’s certain: The brave crew’s daring and dangerous mission saved numerous lives.
According to President Joe Biden’s Aug. 20 speech, since the prior month the U.S. had evacuated more than 18,000 people from Afghanistan. However, many more were still clamoring for a way out, including U.S. citizens and Afghans who’d worked alongside American troops during the country’s 20-year conflict and feared for their lives and those of their families. But as rescue efforts ramped up, so did the violence of brutal Taliban fighters, who added heavily militarized checkpoints along roads leading to the city of Kabul’s Hamid Karzai International Airport.
Sources claimed vengeful militants were going door to door in an effort to hunt down people who had worked with U.S. and coalition forces and three captured Afghan National Army commanders were hanged by the Taliban in Kabul. But many fear the turmoil is just the beginning of a vast humanitarian crisis for the country’s 38 million citizens.
During the final two weeks of August, more than 100,000 were airlifted out of the war-torn nation, and some made their heart-stopping escape under the cover of night with the help of the Pineapple Express.
As Taliban fighters armed with AK-47s menaced terrified civilians, current and former members of U.S. special operations forces units, intelligence operatives and aid workers quietly located and moved multiple groups of endangered individuals to the safety of the airport’s U.S. military-controlled side, so they could fly to freedom. Those looking for assistance displayed cellphone images of pineapples as an agreed-upon secret code to identify themselves, which is how the rescue group earned their unofficial name: Task Force Pineapple.
Former U.S. Army Green Beret turned social studies teacher Zac Lois was one of the veterans who joined the crew’s coordinated ground efforts, which involved communicating with allies via encrypted chats and securing documentation to help people pass through checkpoints.
Ahead of the U.S. government’s Aug. 31 military evacuation deadline, Lois — who spent 12 years in the armed forces, including tours in Iraq and Afghanistan — told FOX News, “We have developed kind of an underground railroad. We have shepherds that guide flocks … It’s special operations personnel coaching, teaching, guiding and advising, in most cases, our brothers that we served with.
“The U.S. government is sending us people as well that need help getting out, so we are in coordination and we are working with the U.S. government.”
Task Force Pineapple’s mission was well underway on Aug. 26 when a suicide bomber, believed to be an ISIS terrorist, detonated a device that killed at least 13 U.S. service members and 170 Afghans and injured many others.
Army Lt. Col. Scott Mann, a retired Green Beret commander who led the rescue effort, told ABC News, “Dozens of high-risk individuals, families with small children, orphans and pregnant women, were secretly moved through the streets of Kabul throughout the night and up to just seconds before ISIS detonated a bomb into the huddled mass of Afghans seeking safety and freedom.”
Despite the cowardly attack, more than 100 Afghans were able to evacuate via plane that day, and Mann added, “This Herculean effort couldn’t have been done without the unofficial heroes inside the airfield, who defied their orders to not help beyond the airport perimeter, by wading into sewage canals and pulling in these targeted people who were flashing pineapples on their phones.”
Mann initially launched Task Force Pineapple to help an Afghan commando who’d once served with him and was receiving death threats from the Taliban. Once the soldier and his family of six were rescued, the group expanded their mission to aid other allies who were desperate to flee.
Army Maj. Jim Gant — a retired Green Beret known as “Lawrence of Afghanistan” for his savvy wartime expertise — was also part of the effort and said, “I have been involved in some of the most incredible missions and operations that a special forces guy could be a part of, and I have never been a part of anything more incredible than this.
“The bravery and courage and commitment of my brothers and sisters in the Pineapple community was greater than the U.S. commitment on the battlefield.”
During the final two weeks of August, more than 100,000 were airliften out of the war-torn nation.
Retired U.S. Marine Mick Mulroy, a onetime former deputy assistant secretary of defense, was part of both Task Force Pineapple and Task Force Dunkirk, another group that assisted evacuees and was named after the famous World War II rescue mission.
“They never wavered,” Mulroy said of his former Afghan comrades. “I and many of my friends are here today because of their bravery in battle. We owe them all effort to get them out and honor our word.”
Chicago’s Rep. Adam Kinzinger, himself a U.S. Air Force veteran, praised Task Force Pineapple and said, “They’re going to be heroes, and movies are going to be made some day.”
However, in September, task force member and retired SEAL Jason Redman, who had a 21-year career with the U.S. Navy, admitted their work was not done.
Redman expressed concern for allies still among the enemy and said the group is focusing on keeping them safe until they can be extracted. “Our motto is ‘Leave no man behind,’ so it’s not about the ‘left,’ it’s not about the ‘right.’ It’s about what’s right. We’re Americans. It’s what we do — we take care of people that took care of us,” said Redman, who called Afghan allies “as American as you and I.”
He explained, “Right now, we’re focused on keeping our people safe — giving them shelter, food, clothing, medical necessities until we’re able to get these individuals out of Afghanistan … Let’s get these American heroes out.”
At the risk of appearing overly Libertarian, we decided to reference an NPR post about where you might be able to help with the Afghan Relocation Project, should you so desire. … As an interesting aside, when trying to see how NPR actually fared these days on a conservative vs. liberal scale, we ran across an AllSides Media Bias Chart which by their standards ended up with some strange bedfellows to say the least. Around here we maintain a particular interest in bedfellows, so we included the link. Some of those people would be aghast to be grouped in with others of those people. The truth remains: None of us is as objective as we’d like to believe — except Penthouse, of course. We’re a bastion of normalcy and reasonableness around here.
Everybody loves being in love. Even sociopaths love being in love with themselves, after all. (For the record, we have neither the expertise nor the inclination to further examine different psychiatric conditions which may run in opposition to our premise that everybody loves love, so in the time-honored tradition of scientists and politicians everywhere, we will simply ignore that possibility and merrily move along as if all objective truths lie within us. It is true because we declare it. Thus we shall proceed.)
Now despite everyone loving love, almost nobody loves searching for love.
We have lots of holidays throughout the year, of course, that — at least in theory — engender pure feelings of optimism, and belonging, and family, and all sorts of other warm fuzziness. Oddly enough, one’s gender does not even matter in this case. We have just this one holiday, however, to which seemingly only a very few people actually look forward. The rest of us blame Hallmark, or See’s Candy, or any number of other (ironically) heartless corporations for the continued existence of the holiday — and we use the term loosely, much as will many of the couples celebrating today, perhaps.
In opposition to this underlying premise that we must be reminded annually to buy, buy, buy, lest we forget to treat those we hold most dear with special kindness, our Valentine 2022 relies on a rather more simple concept. Which we offer for FREE no less.
Roughly in order of appearance here we have Stormi Maya, Meaghan Stanfill, Bunny Colby, Emma Hix, Riley Anne, Stormi Maya (again), Sabina Rouge, Anny Aurora, Angela White, Meaghan Stanfill (again), and Stormi Maya (again, again) ... skipping over one daintily-adorned faceless model with excellent taste in jewelry — which she did not get for Valentine’s Day.
Penthouse Valentine 2022
See? Pretty things to enjoy, alone, with others, or even multiple times in multiple combinations of those two options. … We did need to mention that the process of putting together this little article ranged over a couple of weeks, and the responses we got from people in the office regarding Valentine’s Day in general, and our upcoming Valentine 2022 in particular, did not range nearly as much as at least this author might have theorized beforehand. Nope. Basically people that work with (and edit) beautiful naked women all day long every day turn into surly, cynical, not-so-love-loving sorts it appears.
In a rare opportunity for foreshadowing, we’re showing off one more picture of Stormi Maya. Her significance will be apparent soon, and we always love foreshadowing when possible. Let’s be honest: Penthouse did not exactly get famous because of its shadows.
Lonely people do not actually need a big ol’ annual reminder that they are lonely.
People in that “honeymoon phase” of a relationship are screwed – not literally in this case, necessarily – because the situation will move rapidly and unnaturally either forward or backwards based entirely on what happens on this single day.
There are 1,000 ways to get a Valentine’s date wrong, and only one way to get it right. You will not win this gamble.
When you get Valentine’s Day wrong, the event will be etched into permanent memory, never to be forgotten. You will be reminded of this embarrassment (or horror) at spectacularly inappropriate times years into the future.
If by will of the Fates you beat the massive odds and manage to get Valentine’s Day “right” somehow, all that work will be completely forgotten before the next birthday needs celebrating.
There seems to be a complete disdain for practical gifts like silicon spatulas or fishing lures.
The traditional celebration gives us all a bad impression, because clearly we should be eating chocolate every day.
History buffs among us will know what happened with the War of the Roses (the movie and the British civil wars).
We always choose first that one really horrible piece of candy in the “assortment” which you just know they put in there to laugh at you.
Have you never seen a medical show on TV? Hearts don’t even look like that.
One wise leader, more cynical than surly for sure, expressed her sentiment this way: “Very few people get great love and great sex at the same time, and even they won’t enjoy that combination forever. Some people have sex without love. Some people have love without sex. And then there are most people who have neither.” For them — at least for Valentine 2022 — we have our video, along with a hearty recommendation of Reacher on Amazon Prime.
Full disclosure our boss gave us this quote at the end of a particularly grueling week, and she actually ended it less … graciously, let’s say. Honestly the Reacher plug was a lot happier, because who doesn’t like it when the bad people get the crap kicked out of them? Heck, buy chocolates for yourself and eat the whole darned assortment at one sitting. That’s celebrating.
Just in case you really, really cannot live without knowing whom to blame for Valentine’s Day as a “thing” immediately, History.com will clearly explain how you can blame either early Christians — or maybe Pagans — for everything. Be warned, though, that overall you will enjoy the Penthouse Valentine 2022 a whole lot more, and nobody had to die in our story.
Seans.jpg cooked up a career as a professional food photographer before turning his focus toward capturing mouthwatering images of beautiful nude women (which we have termed Digital Punk). When the 2020 lockdowns started and physical distancing meant that photo shoots were out of the question, the artist dove into creating digital artwork and has never looked back.
Why did you decide to start creating digital punk collage art?
At first, I was fascinated with portraying women in an artistic way that helped break down the social boundaries about sex and nudity. I’ve always been interested in pop culture and the restrictive nature of our society regarding sex and recreational drug use, like psychedelics. It has always astonished me how most people are content to live this cookie-cutter life that’s forced upon us by social norms. So naturally I try to add a shred of relief to this stigma by creating art that can make you laugh or smile or question. Everything I’ve ever created has a purpose, mostly in metaphors or clever visual puns, to try to push my viewer to think deeper into the meaning.
Where do you find inspiration for your art?
Everything from social media, politics, news, pop culture through the years and music. I constantly consume media to fish for ideas and write them down as soon as they come to me.
What’s involved in creating one of your digital punk images?
Just a great imagination and Photoshop.
What do you think is the driving force behind the trend of collage art right now?
I feel there is a strong uptrend in this style of art now, since the massive fame of artists like Slimesunday, who is also a large inspiration for me. But it’s about taking ideas and making them your own. As Austin Kleon said, “Every new idea is just a mashup or a remix of one or more previous ideas.”
Are you working any digital punk at the moment?
Presently, I just dove into the NFT space and had a tremendous response. I’m currently working on a specific collection that will be called “Where’s my mind” on OpenSea, so that should be ready within a few weeks. I’m also working on a collaborative project with a famous photographer for another big NFT drop that should be launching soon. We are just ironing out the details at the moment.
Tell us something interesting about you.
I have spent the most part of 10 years of my life traveling the world. I have no idea how many countries I’ve been to, but I’ve ventured from the jungles of Thailand all the way to the ice caps of Iceland.
Full disclosure, we had to slightly change the original aspect ratios of some of the images in this Digital Punk gallery, and for that we apologize to the artist. We do hope that encouraging everyone to check out his Instagram @seans.jpg will help ease some of the potentially devasting pain. Should that not work, we would advise Seans.jpg to check ou the entire Art Section on Penthouse. He said he gets his inspriation from everywhere, and rumor has it Penthouse can be very inspirational.
The Olympic Winter Games are set to kick off in China in February — unless COVID-19 throws yet another monkey wrench into the world’s plans. But the U.S. is heading into the competition with high hopes for some of its most decorated female athletes. Snowboarder Chloe Kim is eyeing a second gold medal after winning the women’s snowboard half-pipe in PyeongChang in 2018; two-time Olympic champion alpine skier Mikaela Shiffrin is looking to add to her 2014 and 2018 gold medals and cross-country skier Jessie Diggins is favored to secure a top podium spot after snagging gold in the women’s team sprint with Kikkan Randall at PyeongChang.
But before these talented women launch their bid for even more Olympic glory, Penthouse looks back at some of the gorgeous gals who took on the best athletes in the world at the Tokyo Summer Games — and came out on top!
AMBER ENGLISH
Lt. Amber English won the gold medal in women’s skeet and set a new Olympic record of 56 out of 60! The Colorado-born beauty joined the U.S. Army Marksmanship Unit in February 2017 and was part of America’s sweep at the 2018 World Championships, where she earned the bronze medal. Amber, 31, stayed on target in Tokyo and bested the reigning champ — Italy’s Diana Bacosi, who took the top spot in Rio in 2016 — to win her first Olympic gold. “It was just a very crazy experience,” says Amber. “I’m very, very humbled by this experience.”
REBECA ANDRADE
Brazil flipped for Rebeca Andrade, who took the gold in vault, and became the country’s first Olympic champion in women’s gymnastics — a day after winning the silver in the women’s all-around final! Rebeca, 22, leapt to the top after scoring an average of 15.083 from two extremely difficult vaults. She overcame excruciating injuries, including two ACL tears, to reign at Tokyo. But her smooth technique, power and charisma launched her into Olympic history. She says of her big win, “It’s a huge pride for me because I saw how much I’ve grown. I’ve matured, and it’s really good. I feel so overwhelmed, happy. I’m feeling incredible.”
VALARIE ALLMAN
Track and field sensation Valarie Allman took an unusual route on her way to Tokyo. Valarie, now 26, once traveled the U.S. as part of “The Pulse on Tour,” a dance program from choreographers for the TV show So You Think You Can Dance? But she traded that stage for one that was worldwide, when she grabbed the gold for the U.S. in the discus throw. However, she says discus and dance have more in common than people realize and explains, “It’s a combination of grace, strength, balance, having an awareness of your body and being able to move it with force.”
KATIE NAGEOTTE
The photo of high-flying Katie Nageotte celebrating her gold medal-winning pole vault performance for the U.S. in midair, after courting disaster with her earlier attempts, is one of the most iconic images from the Summer Games. Katie, 30, began the year with a case of COVID-19, followed by a tight quad muscle. Though she got a dicey start in Tokyo, she finished strong as the only gal able to clear a height of 16 feet, 1 inch. “With pole vault, it’s a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck,” says Katie. “And I’m so grateful that it went my way.”
LEE KIEFER
Fencer Lee Kiefer, 27, became the first U.S. competitor — male or female — to win gold in the Olympic individual foil after defeating Inna Deriglazova of Russia. The Filipino-American cutie accomplished the feat in her third trip to the Games. And even more incredibly, the Kentucky-based athlete trained for her historic win while also attending medical school! Gerek Meinhardt, her hubby of nearly two years, also competed in Tokyo, coming away with a team bronze. But he says, “She made my Olympic dream come true. Being able to see her go out, fight her nerves and come out with the gold medal was something really special.”
ALLYSON FELIX
U.S. track and field legend Allyson Felix, 35, competed in her fifth, and likely last, Olympics — and came away with a career total of seven gold, three silver and one bronze, and calls her experience in Tokyo “special.” The accomplishment gave her more medals than any American in track and field history as she even surpassed the great Carl Lewis. Allyson is the perfect combination of strength, beauty and grit. She bounced back from giving birth to her first child, seemingly shamed Nike into changing their maternity policy for sponsored athletes, launched the lifestyle brand Saysh and has become a prominent voice against gender inequality in sports.
JANJA GARNBRET
Sport climbing came to the Olympics for the first time and saw athletes, male and female, scurrying up walls like supercharged Spider-Men. But Slovenia’s stunner Janja Garnbret, 22, scored the first ever women’s gold in the event. Janja has won a slew of international contests and is considered by many to be the greatest competitive climber of all time. In October 2020, she even scaled the tallest chimney in Europe, alongside fellow climber Domen Škofic. The top of the 360-meter Trbovlje Power Station chimney was enveloped in fog when they began their successful free climb, but Janja still managed to keep her eye on the prize!
EMMA McKEON
Awesome Aussie swimmer Emma McKeon, 27, acquired quite the collection of medals in Tokyo, winning four gold and three bronze. The accomplishment left her tying the record for most medals won by a woman at a single Games, which was set by Soviet gymnast Maria Gorokhovskaya in 1952 in Helsinki. The Queen of the Pool is also the most decorated Olympian in her country’s history, with a total of 11 medals, and she even set an Olympic record this year while winning the 50-meter freestyle in 23.81 seconds. “It will take a while to sink in,” Emma admits, “because I’ve been focusing on myself to keep my cool.”
ALIX KLINEMAN & APRIL ROSS
Beach volleyball babes Alix Klineman, 31, and April Ross, 39, are a dynamic duo. Just four years after becoming pro partners, the pair served up gold for the U.S. in Tokyo. Alix and April handily defeated Australia’s Mariafe Artacho del Solar and Taliqua Clancy 2-0 (21-15 and 21-16) in the final match, in what Klineman calls a “fairy-tale ending.” Alix adds, “I think sometimes people want to feel confident going into the match and feel like it’s just going to go smoothly. But we kind of went in with the opposite mentality and just having that much respect for that team because they are so good.”
Should you be now inspired to check out Olympic Game Records overall, you will find fairly quickly something called the World Athletics Organization which lists all sorts of records, including Olympic ones. After trying to figure out how it could even be possible that a record from 1968 still stands on the books (Bob Beamon, Long Jump) you might notice — as did we — that none of these records happened in the snow, or even warmer snow — water — or even inside a building. … So we’re thinking this be more of a Track and Field site, but despite these fairly large limitations, it does make it easier to spot and wonder about a single record being there 50+ years. Does Bob Beamon have some celestial assitance that has weighed down long jumpers only at the Olympics? Do long jumpers have some societal disdain for the Olympic interpretation of the event, so they refuse to try hard when competing there? Have rulers changed? … Speaking of that, we’re not going to be talking about the broader implications of the China Olympics going on now, because, y’know, rulers.
But these are experiences limited to relatively few gamers who’ve taken the time and effort to obtain bragging rights.
For a long time, games have rewarded the best of the best. Players who complete levels on the hardest difficulty, or with any number of set challenges, are rewarded with achievements and items to showcase their skill.
Being at the top of the game is nothing new, going way back to the ’80s when gamers would challenge each other in arcades to top the leader-boards with a high score. The challenge — that sense of raw competitiveness — is what’s driven humanity to its greatest heights, on both a personal and civilizational level. It’s the right to say, “I’m better than you.”
And therein lies the clash between those who enjoy video games for what they are — canvases for the expression of pure, unbridled skill — and those who want video games to be something they are not: accessible to everyone.
It’s “accessibility” in the form of equity. It’s the dumbing down of games, the simplification of mechanics, and an overall disregard for the qualities that make a video game a video game. The conversation over game difficulty was ignited when the Xbox account on Twitter stated: “Beating the game on the lowest difficulty is still beating the game.” In other words, congratulations on your participation trophy.
The debate was exacerbated by the upcoming release of the long-awaited Psychonauts 2, which boasts an invincibility setting framed as an “accessibility” option. Playing the game as the developers intend would conceivably require turning on the mode and sitting back as the player moves passively through the world. Were I one of the developers in charge of the game’s combat system and game balance, I’d consider my job superfluous.
Conversations about difficulty and accessibility in games can be traced back to the emergence of Dark Souls as a popular genre. Built with the hardcore gamer in mind, the unforgivingly hard Dark Souls and its kin reward those capable of taking on the challenge, while encouraging those who can’t pass the bar to simply try again until they succeed. It’s a mentality alien to those who would give up after the first try.
The claims of these gentrifiers fall flat when challenged with the reality of what Dark Souls actually is: a manageable game with a high difficulty curve. Unlike most games, which are easy to play but difficult to master, Dark Souls requires patience. Once its mechanics “click” for you, the difficulty levels out and becomes incredibly less challenging.
Those who fail to muster the skill required to beat the game are jealous of those who can. It’s a case of haves and have-nots. Oppressed and oppressor. And in this case, gamers who answer the call are those oppressive gatekeepers who want to keep out the peasants from their domain.
The gentrifiers are a dime a dozen. Across game enthusiast publications, and on social media, gentrifiers have arrived on the shores of the video game medium. This new breed of gamer has planted a flag in the sand and says, “This is our land. Every game should be made for everyone.”
Developers are listening. The ranks of game journalists incapable of completing tutorial levels have successfully turned their demand for participation trophies to be included in games like Psychonauts 2 and Control with their difficulty sliders that do little to provide players with a sense of prestige for finishing the game on the default setting — let alone higher difficulties. Naturally, this has provoked responses from gamers worried about the vulgarization of the skill-based medium into a passive experience designed for people who don’t understand, respect or care about video games. In return, they’ve been branded “gatekeepers.”
Why play video games at all if you don’t find them accessible? Why should the concept of video games be redefined for the sake of inclusivity? Do developers owe their customers the experiences they crave or cave to cultural complainers?
For me, the answer’s simple: Video games are for gamers. Let video games be video games — entertaining, engaging and most importantly, challenging. To hell with the rest. They can read a book.
Full disclosure, some here might take issue with the implication that people read books because they find video games too challenging. Seems like with just a tad bit of research we might be able to come up with a list of a book or two that might not fall into the “simple” category.
That said, we will never convince people who do not read books that doing so allows one to absorb into a story in a manner that simply watching a screen cannot. We will speak to the book readers, therefore, with the observation that they should not quickly discount all video gamers as troglodytes unable to even fathom iambic, whether in pentameter or not. … Seriously, until you have faced a decision about whether to upgrade weapons, gather more food, or make more soldiers — and your entire race depends upon your choice — well, it ain’t Dave Barry, but it ain’t Pong either. … Presuming you are not yet sick to death of what “The Science” says, or does not, some educated people have even spent time getting paid to study the Gaming vs. Reading debate. Some people have odd jobs, right? Not us, of course. Pretty much everybody has a parade of Pets roaming the halls all the time, we figure.
In case you haven’t heard, the beauty-pageant biz Is about to be invaded by big bucks. During the first week of December, a field of international beauties from more than three dozen countries will convene at Caesars Palace, in Las Vegas, where Penthouse magazine will present an international event: the first annual $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant. Right: that’s what the winner will receive in cash and prizes. All the women entered in the finals already have won Pet of the Year pageants in their native lands, and the nations they represent stretch all the way from the Americas to Zimbabwe. The two-hour finals will be telecast globally by satellite, and in the United States alone the broadcast will be earned by more than 150 TV stations.
Penthouse’s $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant will not remind viewers of any beauty competition ever before witnessed on the tube, which should come as a relief to most of you. For decades, women have gone down to the sea in bikinis; maJor beauty pageants, however, continue to outfit competitors in outdated one-piece bathing suits. Instead of donning sexy evening gowns, contestants are similarly compelled to show up in fashions suitable for a high-school prom. They’re also expected to be entertainers. Where else but in beauty pageants have you ever seen such awful actresses, singers, poets, and ballet dancers? Pageant “personality tests” are even more embarrassing than the talent segments. They usually consist of a single, childish question asked with only one purpose in mind: to elicit an answer showing that the contestant is a good little girl. The good little girls quickly catch on to the game and often milk it to the max, with references to God and Country.
In any event, after the quiz the magic moment finally arrives, and the winner’s name is announced. The new Miss There-She-Is sheds precisely 3.2 perfunctory tears and then collects her crown and roses, two tons of assorted cosmetics, enough pantyhose to last five lifetimes, a small amount of cash, and a contract obligating her to ride In parades and appear at shopping centers for an entire year.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Let us now pan in on Penthouse Publisher Bob Guccione, seated in front of a television set several years ago, watching Miss America being crowned. A thought comes to him: wouldn’t it be a turn-on to dispense with all the infantile nonsense and plan a beauty pageant in which women were free to be their sensual selves? Instead of pretending it’s still the 1950s, why not design a pageant for the 1980s? And why not instantly make it the world’s most important pageant by offering the winner the biggest haul in the history of the genre — a grand prize worth a million dollars?
Seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, and Guccione went for It. Says he, “We’re doing away with all the fatuous and unrealistic aspects of beauty pageants as we know them. Our Pet of the Year will be Judged on how she looks and moves, how bright and engaging she really is, and how she communicates with people — it all finally comes under the heading of personality … and that means sex appeal!”
Bob has a special bonus in store for his readers: soon after she wins her title, the $1,000,000 Pet of the Year will be the subject of an extensive Penthouse centerfold feature … to be photographed by — you guessed it — the boss himself.
We’re not talking about a slapdash promotion, either. Bob first considered putting on a million-dollar beauty pageant in the mid-seventies, but at that point he had neither the time nor the money to devote to the project. He was getting Omni off the ground, and whereas any other entrepreneur in his position would have borrowed the cash, Guccione did not. It’s not his style.
“I hate trying to raise money,” he recently told a visitor to his seven-story Manhattan townhouse. “You wind up doing two things: begging for money, on the one hand, while trying to convince people that you’ve got a good idea, on the other. The response you usually get Is that if it’s such a good idea, why isn’t somebody already doing it? Very demeaning! I had my fill of all that when I originally tried to start Penthouse, in 1962.”
At that point, Bob Guccione was an artist living and working in London. He spent 1962 through most of 1965 trying to raise money for Penthouse, and the only backer he ever found offered to invest £500 sterling — then worth about $1,250 — in return for 51 percent of the proposed magazine. Guccione told him to get lost.
“Aside from trying to start the magazine,” he recalled, “I hadn’t worked during those three years, and in 1965, by the time I had scraped up enough credit to put out the first issue of Penthouse. I was already six months behind in my rent. Since then, everything Penthouse has achieved has been paid for out of its own internally generated resources — I ’ve never gone out and borrowed money.”
That held true for Omni, and it also held true when Bob chose to get his feet wet as a movie producer. He didn’t want to make Just any film, of course. He wanted to produce a movie cut from the same cloth as Penthouse, which is to say he consciously set out to shatter every conventional concept of cinematic sex. The result was Caligula, the world’s first X-rated, big-budget movie epic.
Caligula didn’t start out as a big-budget movie epic, however. Initially, Caligula was supposed to cost $3 million, but as stars like Peter O’Toole, Malcolm McDowell, and Sir John Gielgud signed on, the film’s budget grew to $5 million and then to $8 million and finally mushroomed to $17.5 million. And Bob paid for the entire production out of his own pocket — a new record for the industry. “Again, I didn’t want to go around asking people for money,” he said, “and again, It turned out to be a fortunate decision.”
After slating an X-rated biography of Catherine the Great as his next film foray, Guccione finally got serious about producing the world’s ultimate beauty pageant.
His reasons for doing so seem sound enough. “Beauty pageants are enormously successful — even the Miss U.S.A. contest is one of TV’s top-twenty shows — but if you watch any of them,” he said, “you realize immediately how tacky they really are. The hosts talk in an unreal, game-show way about unreal, game-show women, and then the women come out and do their level game-show best to compound the unreality. Well, we’re no more interested in producing tacky TV than we are in promoting plasticized beauty. Our $1,000,000 Pet of the Year will be as earthy and real as the girls in our magazine. Add in a bit of taste, professionalism, and the million-dollar grand prize and I think our pageant will sweep every other beauty contest off the shelf.”
The logistics of putting on an international beauty pageant involving over forty countries is about as simple as persuading OPEC’s oil ministers to send out for bagels and lox. It’s an arduous process, especially when you start from scratch.
By the same token, producing an exciting two-hour pageant telecast is no piece of taffy, either. Pageant broadcasts invariably manifest all the style, taste, and wit of TV game shows. Penthouse’s $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant would have to be a radical departure from that standard, or else there’d be no point in doing it.
To accomplish this, Bob needed qualified help, and he knew where to find it.
Enter Bob Parkinson and Andy Friendly.
Parkinson, forty-five, is a former producer of the Miss Universe and Miss U.S.A. pageants, as well as of such TV fare as “Circus of the Stars.” When it comes to the Hollywood game, Parkinson, a trim six foot four, can talk that talk and walk that walk, but he also happens to be a bright and exceedingly decent guy. If Friendly’s name seems familiar, it’s probably because Fred W. Friendly, his father, produced the late Edward R. Murrow’s most famous telecasts and later served as president of CBS News. At thirty-one, Friendly already has spent a decade in the business, starting out as a news writer and later on becoming the original producer of “Entertainment Tonight.” Friendly quit that job when the program began shilling for show business instead of covering it. He met Parkinson soon afterward, when both began working on M-G-M’s “World of Entertainment,” starring Gene Kelly.
Last year the two formed Parkinson/ Friendly Productions, and they’ve since become one of Hollywood’s hottest production teams. The two TV pilots they produced last summer, This Is Your Life (for Ralph Edwards) and Taking Advantage, were both picked up as network series, and following that, Parkinson and Friendly were hired by Richard Pryor to produce the comedian’s next concert film. The boys are doing just fine, thank you.
Parkinson first discussed a Penthouse beauty contest with Guccione almost ten years ago. “I think Bob was ready to go with it back then, but the timing wasn’t right,” Parkinson says. “Between Penthouse, Viva, and Omni, he was working twenty hours a day, seven days a week. He literally didn’t have time for anything else.”
Soon after Caligula was completed, however, Guccione and Parkinson resumed their talks about an international Pet of the Year competition. In September of ’82, Parkinson and Friendly flew to New York to confer with Guccione about actually going ahead with the event. Says Friendly, “Because of the way Guccione’s been portrayed in the media — gold chains, velvet pants, that kind of thing — I didn’t know what to expect. Bob turned out to be the most decisive man I’ve ever done business with. He wanted to know how much the production itself would cost — about a million dollars — and what the show would look like. After we told him, he committed fully to the project. That’s unusual in this business.”
Since then, Parkfnson and Friendly have been working hard to implement Guccione’s concept. “We’re setting out to do something beautiful,” Parkinson notes. “We’re not going to be cutesy, and people aren’t going to get the impression they’re watching a United Nations’ children’s concert. The $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant will do for beauty contests what ’Saturday Night Live’ did for comedy.”
Parkinson and Friendly both believe that the International Pet of the Year will become the Rolls-Royce of beauty pageants — and not just because of the $1 million involved. Along with Guccione, they’ve structured the pageant to feature the kind of woman one would meet at a party in Manhattan or L.A. or Des Moines — or London or Paris, for that matter. The idea is to present a composite Contemporary Woman, one who’s vitally concerned about herself, her career, her role in society, her relationships with men. Parkinson says, “We’re seeking out the kind of women who’d be fun to take to dinner — women who are confident about themselves, who are into art and politics, and who are comfortable with their bodies. This is one pageant that won’t award first prize to an air-head.”
The same sense of breaking new ground applies to the two-hour telecast. Friendly says, “The show itself will be a hip, funny, classy event. Bob and I want to completely revamp televised beauty pageants, starting with the basics-lighting, sets, and photography — and then going into more obvious areas like the host judges and entertainment.”
As this issue goes to press, stars Wayne Newton and Pia Zadora have agreed to lend their talents to the pageant telecast, and by the time you read this, you’ll have heard about other featured entertainers and pageant judges … one of whom will be Penthouse reader Marc A. Richardson, of Los Angeles, whose winning entry in Penthouse’s Here Comes the Judge contest earned him an envied position on this prestigious tribunal.
You won’t, however, have heard how the $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant differs from the competition.
To start with, uniforms are out. Why stuff the world’s most beautiful women into the same shapeless bathing suits? And how many blue chiffon evening gowns can we all look at before turning blue ourselves? The $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant is the first major beauty event that allows finalists to choose their own swimsuits and gowns — and if the ladies select bikinis and evening fashions that are more revealing and sexier than usual, so much the better.
Another point of departure: The Pet of the Year Pageant is not looking to discover The Complete Girl Scout. “We’re not judging what a girl does,” says Parkinson. “We’re judging who she is and how she does it. She can be married, divorced, Single — it really doesn’t matter.”
Working under Parkinson’s direction, Griff O’Neil, the pageant’s executive director, spent much of the past year helping to organize (and attending) Pet of the Year pageants throughout the world. O’Neil has logged nearly twenty years as a beauty-pageant administrator, starting with the Miss Teenage America and Miss U.S.A. contests and working his way up to Miss World, Miss Universe, and Miss America. O’Neil believes the $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant has attracted an outrageous group of sexy, sophisticated women.
“Forget their looks for a moment, although that’s pretty difficult to do,” he says. “I think the ladies who’ve won their way to Las Vegas have careers and interests as diverse as any group of women you could possibly find.”
O’Neil’s point seems well-taken. Brigitta Cimarolli, Austria’s Pet of the Year, was her nation’s chess champion in 1981 and once played Russia’s peerless Anatoly Karpov to a stalemate. Japan’s Yuko Nun-ome and Germany’s Carola Winter are graphic artists. Israel’s Sharona Marash is a photographer who now spends a good deal of time in front of the camera. Switzerland’s Pet of the Year, Monika Kaelin, appeared in the 1965 film version of Heidi when she was eleven years old and went on to become a kindergarten teacher. Monika returned to acting seven years ago and has since become a sensational-looking staple of the Swiss stage. South Africa’s Jilly Hutchings is a secretary for a Johannesburg engineering firm, New Zealand’s Kassie Dzemos is a fashion model, Spain’s Maria Jose Barbera de Lera is a stewardess for Iberia Airlines, and Brazil’s Talita Comin has finished two years of law school and plans to become an attorney in Sao Paulo.
Almost every winner of a national Pet of the Year Pageant has already received more in the way of prizes than titleholders of other major beauty contests. The domestic Pet of the Year, featured elsewhere in this issue, will be awarded nearly $200,000 in cash and prizes. Australia’s Pet of the Year, Marilyn Natty, a lovely thirty-one-year-old-blue-eyed blonde, earned more than $100,000 for winning her title. Marilyn’s favorite prize was a four-wheel-drive Jeep Hawk, which suits her perfectly: Marilyn is an outdoor adventurer who has climbed the Himalayas and has bred prizewinning palominos on her own stud farm. The United Kingdom’s Pet of the Year, English model Dawn Jones, came away with a Panther Kallister sports car, a full-length mink coat, and a wide range of other goodies. The rather obvious point being made here is that although only one of the finalists will strike it incredibly rich in Las Vegas, all of them already are winners.
Guccione, of course, stands to be the biggest winner of all. TV sponsors will probably underwrite most of the cost of the pageant, but even if they don’t, the event has already generated millions of dollars’ worth of publicity throughout the world — and that’s before the finals have been held. Thus far, the contest has gotten a warm welcome from the media, and Guccione doesn’t even expect feminists to find fault.
“Extremists within the feminist movement think of every beauty pageant as a cattle show, but when there’s a million dollars at stake, it changes things — and I think that is as it should be,” he says. “The lunatic fringe apart, most feminists know that we’ve supported their cause for a long time. Penthouse was the first corporation in New York to actually put money into the ERA movement, and I think we practice what we preach. Aside from myself, Penthouse’s three highest-paid employees are women. And they’re not paid for effect: if I don’t pay them what they’re worth, somebody else will.”
Still, no one has ever anted up a million dollars for a beauty-pageant winner, but then again, a few years ago who would have believed that pro basketball and baseball players would be knocking down seven-figure salaries? In the meantime, Guccione’s only taking what he sees as a very sensible gamble, and, given his track record, he’ll probably be proved right. Aside from the business part of the $1,000,000 Pet of the Year Pageant, would you really like to know what’s in it for Guccione?
“I think the part I like best,” he says, “is that our Pet of the Year will pay more in income tax than every other beauty-pageant queen put together will win.”
Miss America, eat your heart out.
Maybe we should have mentioned at that outset that this story first ran in the December, 1983, edition of Penthouse.
As far as we have been able to determine, this glorious Pet Pageant never actually happened. Nor have we been able to find out why from any of our sources. Television was much more conservative and offered many fewer broadcast options back in 1983 obviously. Maybe the world was simply not ready to celebrate women who posed unabashedly naked back then. Sheila Kennedy won the 1983 title for Pet of the Year, so we took advantage of that with a Bob Guccione photograph in the header image for this article — in case you did not recognize her. If you take a look at History Central for 1983, though, you will notice that the world was a very different place. Two of the top three television spots were “Dallas” and “Dynasty” which certainly had beautiful women but tended rather to clothe them heavily (except Heather Locklear, but we do not want to get too far astray here). MTV was not even playing Black artists until December of 1983, after CBS essentially extorted them to do so by threatening to pull their entire stable from MTV unless they put Michael Jackson on the network. … We may not be there yet, but we have come a long way in 40 years.
For the record, we asked the current Penthouse Executives if they would like to resurrect the concept for the $1,000,000 Penthouse Pet Pageant this year, and they said — paraphrasing a bit here — “Um, no.”
We’re closing with another Sheila Kennedy shot because although we did not ask, we are certain Sheila would want you to VOTE for Pet of the Year this time around. It seems obvious.
Want to start controversy? Ask people how they feel about 69s. There is no fence-sitting, only face-sitting, when it comes to the infamous 69 position. People either love or hate 69s with a fiery passion. There’s never an in-between.
A 69 has all the elements of a damn good time. After all, it is the only sexual position that, at least in theory, is equally pleasurable for both parties. A 69 has the potential to be the absolute height of intimacy as you can’t physically get much closer to each other. It’s the only position where your attentions are entirely focused on pleasuring each other—which is mostly due to the fact that you’re head-locked between another person’s legs.
Sure, the 69 can be awkward and requires a bit of coordination. And, yes, the word “sixty-nine” is the butt of the joke, eliciting smirks everywhere it’s name-dropped. But the 69 gets an undeserved bad rap, if you ask us. Here are a few things to consider the next time you wine, dine and 69.
Communication
Firstly, there is a lot of choreography involved in pulling off a successful 69 position. Even just getting into position can be a challenge, as you become a nude tangle of sweaty limbs, heads crammed between thighs and mouths hunting genitals, while you try to avoid a stiff limb to the eyeball. The number one key to a successful 69 is to have good oral skills—of the verbal variety. If you can’t communicate during a 69, you’re metaphorically screwed. XCommunication is going to help you get into a position that feels good for both of you, rather than feeling like your head is a pimple on the brink of bursting from the thighs that have it in a vise-like grip, while you’re being slapped in the face with an angry pool noodle.
Experiment
The key to smashing a 69 is experimenting with what works for you and your partner. Change it up with who goes on top and who’s on the bottom. If positioning yourself like an oral sex sandwich isn’t working for you, try rolling onto your sides and top and tailing each other. Trying different positions will allow you not only to find a 69 compromise that works for each of you, but it also gives you the opportunity to explore each other’s body from new angles, potentially introducing you to new hotspots. The 69 is also a great position for you to expand your oral game. Mouths and tongues can offer a wide variety of sensations that your genitals can’t compete with. Take the time to explore the nether regions in front of you as you lick, flick, blow, suck, nibble and kiss until you have your partner talking in tongues.
Arrange Backup
It’s a fact that you’re more likely to have someone accidentally fart in your face than you are to have an orgasm during a 69. Especially if you’re of contrasting heights or size, and you’re trying to orgasm while your neck is crunched forward for an eternity, or you’re on top and you’re giving head while doing some kind of demented crotch headstand, while you both aim for that movie-style simultaneous orgasm moment. Wishful thinking. In these instances, it always helps to have some backup before you find yourself locked into this situation. No, I’m not talking about bringing your neighbor Keith in for some action—unless you’re into that. I’m talking about God’s greatest invention—the sex toy. Think of it like this: Your mouth is generally working hard during a 69, but your hands are roaming free. Have a few small sex toys—like a bullet vibrator or a butt plug—under your pillow and whip them out at an opportune moment to give you a helping hand and relieve the load.
The Math of 69
Although the preceding magazine article does perhaps say more about the author than she intended, the biggest oversight might have been simple advice to enjoy what you can with the position. It can be perfectly awesome as foreplay, for example, and if the cortorted positions make you feel silly, well, a little laughter during sex can be a wonderfully intimate thing. Basically, if you cannot lay side-by-side for whatever reason, put the smaller person on top, and just have fun. Radically different torso sizes may indeed make the whole simultaneous goal completely impractical anyway, but taking turns can still be quite pleasant.
Of course thinking about the variations of 69 obviously got us thinking about the mathematics of the number, and we learned a few things that frankly almost none of us understood, but still seemed really important to mathmetician types. Regarding 69, serious numbers people tell us:
It qualifie as a semi prime, the product of two prime numbers, 3 and 23.
It also happens to be the last possible television channel number in the UHF bandplan for American terrestrial television from 1982 until its withdrawal on December 31, 2011.
The Roman numeral would be LXIX. (Which has to be prounced “licks” — right?). Not only that, but
The Messier object M69 is a magnitude 9.0 globular cluster in the constellation Sagittarius.
Yowza. That all qualifies as far, far away from orgasms or even foreplay in our book. Still, a less serious numbers person might point out that the square root of 69 would be Ate Something. [sic, we know]
For our specific sphere of existence, or for anyone familiar with the Los Angeles freeway system, you could be interested to learn that if you multiply 69 by 101 you get 6969 — which could make for an interesting carpool if nothing else.
To be clear, we make no apology for the preceeding addendum to the magazine article because not only might you find it interesting, but honestly we mostly interact with professionals around here, and if you think something as simple as a 69 would throw them, well, you have clearly not watched enough adult movies. Should that be the case, enjoy your research.
Wow. All that talk about “69” and not a single mention of Barrack Obama. Well, maybe you do not follow politics, or Twitter, but we can be “nice” at the conclusion here and let you know why for a few months with the former President, the number ran through a bizarre history. Then again, one could argue that since the domination of social media began, ALL history qualifies as bizarre.
Muscle-bound Mark Wahlberg had already modeled skivvies for Calvin Klein and rocketed to the top of the charts with the infectious track “Good Vibrations” when he spoke with Penthouse in March 1993 about his meteoric career and the state of modern-day rap music.
As part of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, the Boston-born rapper’s aggressive stylings perfectly paired with Loleatta Holloway’s powerhouse vocals on the No. 1 pop smash, making him a household name. But since then, Mark’s star has risen even higher as he launched a successful acting career and appeared in a string of blockbusters, including Planet of the Apes, The Perfect Storm and Transformers: Age of Extinction. And his acclaimed role in Martin Scorsese’s 2006 thriller The Departed even earned him an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.
Mark Wahlberg getting things done — y’know, with water in case he gets thirsty while getting things done.
Now 50, Mark has also displayed his comedy chops in flicks such as Ted, The Other Guys and Daddy’s Home. But he’s shown himself to be a major player behind the scenes, as well, by serving as an executive producer on dozens of projects, including the crime saga Boardwalk Empire, the comedy-drama Entourage and The Rock’s HBO series Ballers. In 2010, Mark was honored with his very own star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.
Along with his brothers Donnie and Paul, Mark’s also a co-owner of the Wahlburgers dining chain, which inspired an A&E reality series of the same name that debuted in 2014 and aired for 10 seasons. He’s also a part owner of Performance Inspired, a supplement company he cofounded in 2016 with former GNC executive Tom Dowd, and invested in the Barbados Tridents cricket team, in addition to many more business ventures.
Though it’s been 30 years since he first flexed his muscles on MTV, Mark has maintained his impressive physique and whipped the internet into a frenzy in 2020 when he shared his jam-packed schedule, which included early a.m. workouts and “cryo chamber recovery” sessions. As popular as ever, Mark has more than 17 million Instagram followers at @markwahlberg. But he’s not the only social media sensation in his home. His pet pooch Champ has nearly 90,000 Instagram followers of his own at @champeranian, and Mark has joked the pup is the “number one Pomeranian on the ’gram!”
One of the hardest working men in Hollywood, Mark has multiple irons in the fire, including The Six Billion Dollar Man—a modern retelling of the ’70s classic The Six Million Dollar Man—in which he’s currently slated to play astronaut Steve Austin, a role that was originated by Lee Majors. Prior to that release, moviegoers can next see him on the big screen in the video game-inspired film Uncharted, which is set to hit theaters in February 2022—and with Mark leaping into the action, it’ll no doubt be a winner.
Full disclosure, we do not have the most Wahlberg-dedicated fans currently working in this department. Ironically it was only a couple of weeks ago that the head writer learned the fellow who plays Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods actually started with his brother Mark here in an apparently popular music group called New Kids on the Block. (In defense of our head writer, he does know the names of all the original members of Lynyrd Skynyrd, and he once went to an Elvis concert on purpose.) … That said, having an article in Penthouse Magaines and NOT mentioning “Boogie Nights” just seems like a pretty big oversight. Some people forget what we do for a living. It’s cute. (Maybe the anonymous author just wanted to avoid making a dick move, y’know?)
Since we try to stay in that being honest mode, we will admit that by the time this picture was taken at Van Andel Arena (Grand Rapids, MI) in 1989, Mark Wahlberg has been gone from the groupf for over four years. We included it here simply to show what “major” performances looked like back then. … The 1980s were a weird time — a very, very weird time.
Rather than laugh, your significant other responds in kind, expressing their love and support in rhyming couplets, culminating in a coda that threatens to smash your fancy crystal with its ovation-worthy high C.
No? Well, why not? The resurgence of Hollywood musicals would have us believe show tunes and life’s slings and arrows are synonymous.
Already this year we’ve had In the Heights, based on the stage musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda, and the batshit-looking Cannes opener Annette with Adam Driver and Marion Cotillard. Among those still to come, we have Miranda’s feature directorial debut Tick, Tick … Boom!,Diana: The Musical, and Steven Spielberg’s $100 million reworking of West Side Story.
We’ve come a long way since the ’60s Post-Golden Age of musicals, an era that saw the speak-properly-woman histrionics of My Fair Lady (1964), an Oscar-winning nun on the run in The Sound of Music (1965) and the sinus-crushing squeaks and squawks of Doctor Doolittle (1967) — a heady brew of cockneys, Nazis and nincompoops cranking out shows toppers that were comic, serious or tearjerky … nobody really cared. The aim, as with all musical theater, was to knock you out with a two to three minute contextually dependent, narratively driven, sucker punch.
The ’70s, ’80s and early ’90s were dominated by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Claude-Michel Schönberg — an epoch of hopelessly sincere opera-light on stage, replete with pop-inspired show tunes for which we’re still paying the cinematic price. There were laughs aplenty to be had in the film adaptation of Cats (2019), but they were unintentional. Bread thief Jean Valjean choosing song as the best defense against heavily armed French soldiers in Les Misérables (2012) was meant to be somber not silly.
Woody Allen’s Everyone Says I Love You (1996), while no masterpiece, was a notable outlier in this humorless period, with actors giving WTF glances at their co-stars whenever the singing started. Moulin Rouge! (2001), and to a lesser degree The Greatest Showman (2017), also stake claims for the self-aware, have-your-cake-and-eat-it post-modern musical.
But in the latest cinematic rush, the orchestral baton has passed firmly into the double-grip of diversity and authenticity — if you ignore the singing and jazz hands. Miranda’s monster stage hit turned movie Hamilton (2020), with its color-blind casting and rapping rather than arias, made a convincing financial case for more socially conscious musicals, the sort we’ll see, or avoid, on screens before the end of the year with Dear Evan Hansen, about a high school student with an anxiety disorder, and Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, in which a teenager overcomes prejudice to become a drag queen. By the time West Side Story appears in December, we’ll likely be talking less about why New York gangs are scrapping with sawn-off melodies and more about the fact the Hispanic characters are played by Latinx actors, in sharp contrast to the 1961 original.
Musical Prognostication Concludes:
The wave is coming hard, so make your decision: tune in and tune up or tune out.
By the time of this publication, of course, December has passed, and we get to assess the guess re: Mr. Spielberg as to whether actually Latin actors were the only redeeming quality of the “West Side Story” remake. Turns out, NO. People seemed to like a great many things about the show in fact. Scoring in the 90s qualifies as impressive, regardless of the genre.
To paraphrase a man most famous for music, ironically, We know all you folks are the right kind of folks, so we’re going to be perfectly frank … Not all Natalie Woods were created equal, but one need not mimic in order to offer homage. (And if that phrasing seemed particularly odd, well, you probably need to add a musical or two to your weekend plans. They’re good for the soul — we’re almost positive.
