Carrie Fisher

A Life In The Stars

Though best known as Princess Leia in the Star Wars saga, Carrie Fisher’s influence on the world extended far beyond this ubiquitous role. In honor of the memory of this incredible actress, comedian, activist, and all-around no-nonsense powerhouse, Penthouse looks back at some of the greatest achievements of a lifetime being Carrie Fisher.

Carrie’s Roots in Hollywood Royalty

Born October 21st, 1956, Fisher was destined for greatness. Before ever being dubbed a “Princess” by George Lucas, her first great claim to fame came the old-fashioned way: She was born into it. Carrie was the daughter of one of Hollywood’s most beloved “power couples” in an era when women were not so much expected to take a back seat, but were more or less simply ignored. Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher, mom and dad for Carrie, were not about to let that happen with her, though — traditions of the entertainment industry be damned.

Growing up in the shadow of two legendary icons would have been tough enough, but before it even had a chance to impact the toddler, Eddie left Carrie’s mother Debbie for their mutual friend Elizabeth Taylor — “the most beautiful woman in the world” — in 1959, when Carrie was only three years old. Scandal ensued. … Imagine. Both of Carrie’s parents were married multiple times during their lifetimes, clearly impacting the mind and budding esteem of a young woman maturing under the Hollywood spotlight. In jest Carrie once shared a large flowchart of her family tree — and all its branches — in her HBO comedy special, Wishful Drinking. She would come to regard her bizarre Hollywood life with a sense of humor and grace, stating in her own immortal words, “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.”

The Carrie Fisher Talent Pool

Making her stage debut in 1973 at the age of sixteen, Carrie’s first role was playing a debutante and singer in the hit Broadway revival Irene, which starred her mother, Debbie. Carrie would sometimes sing in Debbie’s shows, including the songs “You Made Me Love You”, “Happy Days Are Here Again”, and “Bridge Over Troubled Water” — this latter being particularly notable as it was written by Paul Simon, to whom Fisher was married for a brief time in a relationship which spanned more than a decade. In 1975, she made her film debut in Hal Ashby’s Shampoo, acting alongside Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn, and Julie Christie. In 1977, she got her big break starring in the science fiction classic Star Wars, through which she created the role of Princess Leia. In her autobiography, The Princess Diarist, Carrie states, “I had never been Princess Leia before, and now I would be her forever. I would never not be Princess Leia. I had no idea how profoundly true that was and how long forever was.”

Reaching beyond the confines of stage and screen, however, Carrie Fisher was also an incredibly talented writer. Albeit behind the scenes, she was one of the most well-known script “doctors” in Hollywood and punched up scripts for a multitude of famous films including The Wedding Singer, Hook, and Sister Act to name a few. Many lines that she wrote are still quoted fondly and frequently to this day. She even wrote some of her lines in her final Star Wars film appearance, The Last Jedi. In her scene with Laura Dern as Vice Admiral Holdo, both the Admiral and Leia (now General Leia) begin to say the famous line, “May the Force be with you.” Carrie’s “meta” joke that she added to the script has General Leia saying, “You go, I’ve said it enough.”

In addition to script-doctoring and her various autobiographies, Carrie Fisher was also a talented novelist and wrote several original works including Postcards from the Edge, Surrender the Pink, Delusions of Grandma and The Best Awful There Is. Though fictional, these novels were all in some part loosely based on Carrie’s own life experiences. Postcards from the Edge detailed her time in rehab following an overdose, eventually even spawning a motion picture starring Meryl Streep (1990). Carrie’s wit and wonderful way with words show yet another side of her that reaches beyond a mere image on the big screen. For those of us that celebrate her thoughts as well as her various professional personas over the years, Carrie’s words contain more immortality than her image.

Carrie’s Unabashed Openness About Living With Mental Illness and Addiction.

Never one to shy away from difficult discussions, Carrie Fisher presented an open book when it came to her life with Bipolar Disorder and being in recovery from addiction. Her strength and courage in being outspoken about her mental health in her lifetime has even posthumously proven to be an inspiration to those who might otherwise feel that they are alone in their struggles. Postcards From The Edge — both the novel and feature film — serve as prime examples of Carrie’s thoughtful influence.

Further, in her autobiography Shockaholic, she discusses her experiences with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), which she underwent to treat her depression. This frankness in shedding light on methods she herself had undergone in an effort to treat her mental illness plays a larger role in destigmatizing the conversations around mental health.

“I mean, clearly no one would vote for volts until everything else had failed. It’s reserved for those languishing in the suicidal ideation lounge, and I had never been truly suicidal. Not that I haven’t, on occasion, thought it might be an improvement over the all-too-painful present if I could be deadish for maybe just a teeny little bit of it. You know, like a really good sleep, after which I’d wake refreshed and equal to whatever the problem had been, that problem would have now vanished.”Carrie Fisher in “Shockaholic”

In her later years, Carrie was always accompanied by her faithful emotional support dog, Gary Fisher, whose perpetually outstretched tongue and fondness for sleeping (and snoring) during television interviews made him the perfect companion — and compliment. At convention appearances — which she referred to as “lap dances” — Gary was always by her side along with a heaping bag filled with glitter that she would happily toss in the air at fans who approached her. In fact, Gary often sparkled himself from all the glitter that was around. To this day, fans who visit her grave side in Forest Lawn leave offerings of Diet Coke and glitter in tribute to her eclectic behavior and sparkling personality.

The Carrie Fisher Legacy

Diverse people leave an equally diverse range of memories for people. Frequently pictured with her middle finger raised proudly in the air and a sly smirk, Carrie Fisher’s message to the world was — and remains — abundantly clear: Don’t fuck with me.

Fiercely protective of those close to her, Carrie frequently took in house guests to stay in her beautiful and quirky Los Angeles home, helping those who needed an ear, a shoulder, a writer, a therapist, and anything she could think of that she might need to be. Her larger-than-life persona keeps her alive in the hearts and minds of those who loved her and ensures that eternal status, which we can rarely imagine in this world of blazing speed social media.

Always incredibly close to her mother Debbie, Carrie went so far as to move in next door. When you have love, passion, and enough money, you can even bend the real estate market to your will. HBO ultimately sought to immortalize this mother/daughter relationship in a 2016 documentary Bright Lights: Starring Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Sadly, both Carrie and Debbie passed away weeks before the film’s premier.

Carrie died on December 27th and Debbie died the day after on December 28th. Unsurprising to those that knew them well, rumors have even surfaced claiming Debbie had said, “I want to be with Carrie” shortly before suffering a fatal stroke. Interred together at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood Hills, both shining stars left their eternal marks with their own flair. Visitors to the cemetery will find Debbie Reynolds poshly entombed before noticing a portion of Carrie Fisher’s cremated remains inside of a novelty oversized Prozac capsule — per her explicit wishes. A beautiful stone statue of Mother and Daughter sits atop their grave site where fans come to pay their respects.

Though most people knew her predominantly from her iconic role as a “Princess in peril,” Carrie Fisher used talent, hard work, and pure fearlessness in showing the world she meant much more to it than an impish grin and a cinnamon bun hairdo — with or without the flamethrower from The Blues Brothers. Carrie Fisher endures.

Not to be overly irreverent here, but do you think people would have not gotten married so much if Tinder had come along sooner? Carrie could have given out “I was Princess Leia’d” buttons when she was done with someone. Somehow we think she would have liked that. … As one might imagine there are no shortages of Carrie Fisher fan pages on facebook, and her site still exists for the benefit of all her causes as they continue in her memory. Word is that she will finally be getting her Star this coming year, although what we wouldn’t give for a shot of her flipping that off just once, y’know? … You act for a few minutes at a time on a stage or a screen. But the great ones touch people’s lives forever.

Sex Scandal for One

Political Sex Scandals

One might think Christmas an odd day to be talking about sex scandals, but if you think about it, Christmas tends to be a family holiday, and we could not have families at all without sex. Moreover, if everyone had the same boring sex with exactly the people expected (and accepted), then we would not have any sex scandals. Without scandals, people get bored and quit thinking about issues, which means we’d soon stop thinking about sex — which would result in not having families, a primary point of Christmas celebrations. Ergo, this all makes perfect sense.

So let us begin.

UNITED STATES: SMOKIN’ SEX TOYS

Not only did sitting president Bill Clinton have an affair with intern Monica Lewinsky inside the White House in 1998, she reportedly used his cigar as a sex toy. The story goes that she masturbated with a stogie while Clinton watched.

ITALY: BUNGA BUNGA PARTIES

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s lavish sex parties became so infamous they had their own nickname. He used the term “bunga bunga” to describe debauched parties where young women stripped and danced for him before he decided which one he wanted to have sex with.

AUSTRALIA: FILE IT ON THE DESK

A Coalition government staffer was sacked for allegedly masturbating over a female MP’s desk. Sources said the genius decided to have a wank over his boss’s desk, film it and send the images and videos via Facebook Messenger to a group of other staffers. 

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We decided to interrupt this fascinating education regarding horny people run amok, so that we might drop in a little celebratory motion provided to us by the production department at Penthouse. Apparently they ran out of time at the location, so they did not get any still photos to commemorate what was obviously a fetching situation, so we had to put this somewhere so as not make anyone sad.

We do like to show editors we appreciate them — another facet of this holiday season, by the way, although not really high on the sex scandals scale. (Full disclosure, the production department could be ripe full of sex scandals, and we would never know it, as COVID has us all spread all over everywhere.)

Penthouse Christmas 2022
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      We did find it somewhat odd that they did not identify our 2021 December Pet of the Month, Amber Marie (with the dark hair) or Meaghan Stanfill (with the light hair) who was Pet of the Month in 2020 March — and happens to be the Pet of the Year Runner Up for 2021. Then we thought about how much time those people spend in darkened rooms staring at banks of monitors, so we decided to cut them some slack.

      We now return you to your regularly-scheduled sex scandal.

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      NORTHERN IRELAND: THE GRADUATE

      A 19-year-old had an affair with a woman 40 years older than him in 2008. She was named Mrs. Robinson, which may ring a bell. Iris Robinson was a member of parliament and wife of Northern Ireland’s government leader, Peter. Ohh, and she was also busy taking payments from local property developers.

      ISRAEL: AVOIDING JAIL TIME (JUST)

      One of the world’s most sordid political sex scandals involved former Israeli premier Moshe Katsav, who was forced to step down after a string of accusations. Several female employees came forward to accuse him of sexual harassment and rape—charges he denied. A plea bargain allowed him to escape jail time, but this is one of the worst scandals to be discovered anywhere in the world.

      UNITED KINGDOM: WAR DANCE

      The Profumo affair rocked British politics in the ’60s before becoming the inspo for the 1989 hit movie Scandal. Christine Keeler was 19, working as a hostess at a London nightclub and involved with several men, including a Russian believed to be KGB. Then she was introduced to John Profumo, the secretary of state for war, through an osteopath.

      TURKEY: SEX VIDEO SCANDAL

      Not one, not two, but six senior politicians in Turkey’s opposition Nationalist Action Party were forced to resign amidst a sex scandal shortly before national elections. Of course, once busted, they blamed the government for allowing recordings of their alleged extramarital flings.

      UNITED STATES: DAD’LL BE BACK

      The year was 2011. The Los Angeles Times revealed Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a child with his housekeeper, Mildred Patricia Baena. The former California governor now has a close relationship with his 23-year-old son Joseph.

      MALDIVES: SEX TAPE & BLACKMAIL 

      A senior member of President Mohamed Waheed’s party and former Chief of the Maldives National Broadcasting Corporation was arrested for allegedly blackmailing a senior judge of the Supreme Court with a sex tape.

      We did get a few photos that the magazine used, but after showing off Meaghan and Amber, foreign ministers at press conferences denying sex scandals for which videotaped evidence exits just seemed rather dull. We liked Christine Keeler and Arnold with his kid, though, so we did use them. Hey, everyone should be allowed to pick their own sex scandal to follow.

      We said we would be honest. We never said we would be sane. … Merry, Happy, Whatever, everyone.

      Camster Christmas

      A Camster Christmas Holiday Special: Spank Me, Teacher!

      These days it would probably be a good idea if you did not hook up with that teacher. After all, doing your teacher while still her student will only lead to a messy court case and possible criminal charges. We have a better idea, though, and as a Camster Christmas gift, we shall share it. So what if you could have sex with “that teacher” and actually get away with it? Let’s be honest here: A piss-poor reality never once got in the way or a ripping-hot fantasy. While the cold reality of sex with a teacher would be kind of terrible, that does not keep the idea from being kind of hot.

      When you were in high school, was there that one teacher who looked ever-so-sexy in that tight blouse? When she stood by the white board, did you think about bending her over and spanking her with her ruler? Was that all you could think about?

      Or, maybe when class was over, she asked you to stay after for a serious talk. When the rest of the class leaves, you ask her if there’s something wrong. She says, “Did you cheat on your last homework assignment?” (Cue the sexy music.)

      You try to play dumb and say you could never do such an atrocious thing … because you’re an innocent little fucker, aren’t you?

      But this teacher has a maturity built by experience, and she sees right through you … in more ways than you expect. But before we get to the naked part of the story, let’s stick with the moment when she tells you that she knows you’ve been copying your homework from other students. You’re caught. You know you did something bad. (At this point you’re still up in the air about whether the doing or the getting caught represents the bad thing, but it’s still irritating as hell.) You could fail this semester.

      You can’t let that happen. You’re desperate to make this up. Besides, you want this teacher to like you. So you ask her if there’s a way you can get this problem solved if you promise to never cheat again. (So maybe you’ve seen a porn movie or two studying up for your Camster Christmas gift. We should applaud your devotion.)

      There is one way to make it up to her. You’ll have to find another way to please her. You’ll have to make her feel satisfied in her most erotic places. (Yeah, we know: GASP!) … She guides your hand over to her blouse. … What’s happening here? Are you actually feeling up this hot teacher right in her classroom? So naughty!

      Nothing beats feeling a new set of tits for the first time. What’s happening next?

      Your teacher demands that you bend over her desk for your punishment. You oblige. She can have the lead for now. … You bend over, and she takes out her pointing stick for some spanking. You’ve been a bad lad and teacher needs to show you some respect. After some intense ass smacking, she demands that you show her your dick. Then you fuck right on the desk. (Foreplay, schmoreplay. Camster Christmas treats are about getting off, not some we love the world, sex is beautiful presentation.)

      Maybe you do it on the desk of an annoying student both of you hate. She finishes you now as you demand, because you have taken back the lead, and violà: You just did your teacher and no one will ever know.

      Have you figured out our real Camster Christmas idea to celebrate this season? While you’ve finally got some time off, and most people are busy pretending they like their families, fake a few symptoms — easy these days — and get yourself some Me with Thee time. Roleplay until your role won’t play anymore.

      Cue the beautiful cam girls appearing on camster. Thousands of girls on Camster.com show up every day, simply to fulfill your naughty roleplay games. When you go into their chat rooms, they will happily play the teacher while you’re the horny student. Your girl will dress in that blouse, add the miniskirt and heels, and hold up that cheating paper in front of you. Then she’ll remove her top and demand that you fuck her over her desk. Or you can explain how you simply require some special tutoring. Any way you like it, any way you can imagine, it can be yours.

      To help you out this Camster Christmas, we put together a list of a few women who have proven always up for a good role-playing party. Grab one and bring her along for your classroom bang. Fair warning: If you want to turn that F into an A, you’ll have to make her cum … twice … so pace yourself. (Apple for teacher completely unnecessary at this point.)

      Camster Christmas Playlist:

      Lola Buble

      Lola Buble

      “Friendly, sexy, the perfect mix of sweet and naughty, and an incredible body on this beautiful woman. Yuna is amazing.”

      Yuna Rule

      Yuna Rule

      “Friendly, sexy, the perfect mix of sweet and naughty, and an incredible body on this beautiful woman. Yuna is amazing.”

      Bella Aphrodite

      Bella Aphrodite

      “Fantastic young woman who has stolen my heart in every way imaginable! She is so cute and has a terrific body, but the thing I love about her most is how genuine she is- she truly cares about me and that makes me love her to the moon and back!!”

      Autumn Woods

      Autumn Woods

      “This little beautiful woman is going to rock your world.”

      Melisenta

      Melisenta

      “Meli is sexy, funny, sweet and naughty all rolled up into one. Once you start talking to her, you will never want to stop.”

      Seriously. Come out out and have yourself a horny little Christmas. We can always keep those troubles out of sight.

      Posthumous Prince

      Postmortem Payday

      Take Prince’s “new” album Welcome 2 America, which initially had been scheduled for distribution during his lifetime in 2011 before being canceled. But it was finally released in July, five years after his passing. It’s the third Prince album since his accidental overdose in 2016, but the first he’d recorded with a release, even a tour, in mind. So, releasing it now must be ethically sound, right? Hmmm …

      Prince presumably shelved the album for a reason, and let’s not forget he spent the better part of the ’90s with “SLAVE” scrawled across his cheek, disowning his name in protest against the money-over-creativity stance of his corporate overlords. 

      Some albums do receive a tacit sign-off before the artist signs off. Queen’s Made in Heaven (1995), released after Freddie Mercury’s death, is the gold standard in deathly consent, given he knew while recording his vocals that the jig was up — not that he would have necessarily loved the schmaltzy pap the album would become.

      Others are posthumous by technicality. Life After Death — the most aptly named record of all time — appeared barely two weeks after the Notorious B.I.G. was gunned down in 1997.
      But many artists, we have to assume, would recoil from their amped-up afterlife. What might Amy Winehouse have made of Lioness: Hidden Treasures (2011), a cobbled together collection of covers and outtakes? Would famously shy Kurt Cobain have been mortified all over again when his pre-fame bedroom efforts became public property via 2015’s Montage of Heck: The Home Recordings?

      So why release music by artists who are, biologically speaking, clearly past their prime? The answer, of course, rhymes with honey.

      Though they’ve been around since the gramophone era, posthumous albums were historically unlikely to hit No. 1. From the mid-1950s to early-1990s, Jim Croce, Janis Joplin and John Lennon were the only three to achieve those heights — a trend, if only a trickle.

      But the chart-topping success of Selena’s Dreaming of You burst the dam in 1995. The fact that she — like Lennon — had been fatally shot surfaced as a key ingredient in the secret sauce.
      In the quarter of a century since, the majority of posthumous No. 1 albums have been by rappers and hip-hop artists, a shocking number of whom have been shot dead, frequently in drive-by killings — the alpha ghost being Tupac Shakur, who had finished only one of his seven posthumously released albums before his murder in 1996. Three of those reached No. 1, including the lamentable, Eminem-produced Loyal to the Game (2004), featuring duets with artists 2Pac had never met and his spectral voice being manipulated to meet the record’s needs. But maybe abusing an artist’s vision and consent is a small price to pay for a postmortem payday.

      Incidentally, if not coincidentally, the last non-rapper to hit No. 1 in the afterlife was Prince with The Very Best of Prince (2001), which re-entered the charts at the top spot following his death. As he muses from beyond the grave on Welcome 2 America: “Come on in, sit right down and fill up your pockets, yeah.”

      As one might imagine when searching all things death-related via Google, it can get scary out there. Oddly enough, we do not mean the content found at all, but rather the omnipresent popup ads and flashing moving pages that seem designed to actually interfere with your ability to read the article. (Wait. We just thought about that. … That probably defines EXACTLY their purpose. … Does anyone ever really buy anything from some place they found truly annoying upon introduction? Have you ever thought, “Oh, wow. That ad is really irritating. I should click on it so I can buy something,” before? … Yeah. Off topic. Sorry.) … We do like to provide at least an entertaining side-trip at the end of articles like these, though, so we did manage to track down some Postmortem Pinnacles we found interesting.

      Pet of the Year 2021

      Pet of the Year 2021 — Kenzie Anne

      You want to take a guess as to the first thing anyone getting new employment with Penthouse wants to do? We can give you a hint (or not) by telling you that it happens to be the worst job in the company. … Scratch that. It’s actually the second worst job in the company, but we’ll get to that.

      We will tell that before their new company computer has booted up for the first time, everybody has the same question as a new employee: “How do we pick the Pets?”

      Depending upon the moxie of the individual, the second question either follows quickly, or as soon as reasonably possible in a more discrete fashion in the break room. “How do I get on the Team that picks the Pets?”

      Yep. Everybody wants to pick the Pets. … Sounds like a great job. … It is not. It is a horrible, horrible job.

      You have to think about it from a broader (pun not intended, but still funny, if you’re old) perspective. It will come as no surprise that many, many women around the world would love to be Pets. Because you have to be a Pet before you can become Pet of the Year 2021, for example. But even the most rudimentary of educations would lead you to quickly realize that there can at most be 12 Pets in any calendar year. Obviously this means that while making one woman very happy, you will necessarily be disappointing an abundantly larger group of women — every month. Month after month. For an entire year. Eventually, though, we do end up with a truly emotional and grateful individual, such as Kenzie Anne here.

      Penthouse Pet of the Year 2021 - Kenzie Anne
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          To get to the level of Pet of the Year 2021 Kenzie Anne, however, you have to crush dreams on a much more personal level. There were only 11 other women even in the running for that title, and each of them really wants to win (regardless of what they might say afterwards). Look at this honestly: It takes an enormous amount of self-confidence simply to pose naked for a camera, and confident people like to win. Always. At everything.

          How great would you feel about yourself if every time you showed up for work, the first thing you had to do was take your clothes off? … Most of us derive our confidence from very different sources.

          To most of us, that whole nude-for-a-living thing sounds truly icky.

          A specific time I felt most sexy was probably on set today when I was handed my new key.

          Kenzie Anne, Penthouse Pet of the Year 2021

          When you boil it all down, there are basically two ways one can approach picking the winners for Penthouse Pet. You can simply own the company and thus get to do whatever you want from thousands of miles away. That would be one option. Or you can, as owner, delegate a Team Leader for the project who will then enlist the assistance of a group of people in theory knowledgable regarding current goals for Brand Identity (capitalized, don’t you know) and have some awareness when it comes to the history of the past winners. That second option has been the approach here for the last few years, actually, but when you use that system you end up with people who have actually talked to and gotten to know more than a few of the various contestants. … But you still only get to pick one winner each month.

          So now you find yourself answering phone calls from a bunch of sad women who “thought they were your friend” when they learn someone else got picked. … It’s not exactly working nude all the time, but it still ain’t very comfortable.

          This therefore leads us to the actual worst job at Penthouse. If picking Pets qualifies as a horrible job, picking Pet of the Year falls underneath the joys of root canal and waiting in line at the DMV in Los Angeles. You can never even be sure that you made the right choice until you finish the entire process, and by then of course it’s too late. You get what you got.

          Last year, when I submitted my images for Pet of the Month, I didn’t feel like — in comparison to everybody else… — that I was gonna be somebody who stood out.

          More Kenzie Anne

          Well, our photographers took the Pet of the Year 2021 sets selectively represented here (following our “must be clothed” rules on penthouse.com). … To us it looks like Kenzie stands out, and we can say that she also checks a lot of the other boxes they look for in a Pet of the Year as well. Everybody has different tastes, or the world would be a truly boring place — and the population would have died out centuries ago — and while “how she looks” obviously plays a part in the ultimate decision, it only plays a part.

          ALL of the women chosen as Pets over the past year would presumably pass the “attractive” threshold easily. Those other less sexy things really come into play, though. (We would advise against social media rants about pretty much anything, but definitely other performers, for example.) Should Pet be a goal of yours, bear in mind (pun on “bare” definitely intended) that the world has changed. Women that make it into the magazine do not necessarily need to know one of the photographers personally, or be best buddies with an editor, or even a former Pet. Some of you spend a lot of time on “Your Brand” (more capital letters). You might think about how our Brands might work together.

          Hopefully you have learned two things today in our Pet of the Year 2021 reveal (well, on the free Penthouse site).

          1. Of course all the women want to win, because nobody shares that kind of intimacy on camera without wanting people to notice, and
          2. You actually never, ever want the job of picking the Pets.

          You might also have learned that Kenzie will make a very fine Brand Ambassador … y’know if travel becomes easier and all the idiots stop fighting with all the other idiots. …

          We close wishing you a Happy/Merry Whatever seems appropriate for a religious or secular celebration in your private, personal, protected by the Constitution, life — regardless of your gender identification. … (You think we avoided offending anybody? … Probably not. That seems impossible these days.) … As regards the dreamers out there specifically, this new site launch has included a special page where you can begin your journey completely on your own.

          Zanzibar at War

          Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896

          It all kicked off on August 27, 1896 at 9:00 a.m. … 40 minutes later it was over. As wars go, this was a quickie.

          Every war, of course, has its own unique character — but one thing most wars have in common is that they tend to drag on a bit. Relatively speaking, wars are usually pretty long. Even the first Gulf War, which was over pretty snappily, lasted six months, which is quite a stretch to be in the desert in heavy fatigues. The Six-Day War of 1967 was lightning quick by war standards but still much longer than Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy.

          This is what makes the Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896 perhaps the most special war of all time: It was all over inside three-quarters of an hour. It’s the only war on record to be outlasted by an average episode of Breaking Bad, and it is a credit to all involved that, once hostilities broke out, it was all able to be sorted out so speedily.

          To start at the beginning — which wasn’t particularly distant from the end — on August 25, 1896, the Sultan of Zanzibar, Hamad bin Thuwaini, passed away, and the throne of the tiny African island nation passed to his successor, Sultan Khalid bin Barghash.

          This posed a problem for Britain, which had previously recognized Zanzibar’s independence and acknowledged it as a sovereign nation, but with the classically British caveat, “You know, not really.”

          Although they didn’t technically own Zanzibar, the British were quite keen to keep control of it, especially as Germany was trying to throw its weight around in East Africa. With the 20th century looming and a couple of really promising wars penciled in to the schedule, Britain was eager to curb German influence as much as possible. With that in mind, the demise of the pro-British Thuwaini and accession of the much less pro-British Khalid gave the poms the screaming irrits.

          Following the national motto, “Do what we say, grubby little foreigners,” Britain quickly issued an ultimatum: Khalid bin Barghash was to get out of the palace and let their preferred sultan, a sound chap by the name of Hamud bin Muhammed, move in, by 9 a.m. on August 27, or there would be hell to pay.

          Nine o’clock on the morning of the 27th, however, found Khalid very much still in occupation of the palace, sitting tight with his little army and his flag flying proudly above — a flag that, he informed the British who were anchored in the harbor at Zanzibar Town, he had no intention of taking down. “We do not believe you will open fire,” read the message the new sultan sent to the British commander. “LOL,” replied the British consul, Basil Cave, “check this out then, bruv.” And with that the Brits opened fire.

          Her Majesty’s ships Raccoon, Thrush and Sparrow — the ships with the really butch names being required for far more serious wars — began bombarding the palace. The first shot took out one of the Zanzibari cannons, and also caused Sultan Khalid to immediately bolt for the hills. The palace, which was mostly made of wood, and its inhabitants, who were mostly made of meat and bones, were equally ill-equipped to deal with the British shells, and both palace and men quickly began to fall apart.

          A gallant effort to return fire came from the Zanzibaris’ decrepit ship the Glasgow, which fired on the British fleet, drawing a quick riposte, which sank the Glasgow without delay as the crew ran up a British flag by way of apology.

          By 9:40 the war was over.

          By the afternoon, Hamud bin Muhammed was sultan. Zanzibar had learned a valuable lesson about the advisability of standing up to bigger countries with better guns, and Britain had learned a valuable lesson about how awesome it was.

          Once again the British Empire was in complete control of a foreign country, and all was right with the world once more.

          But both winner and loser in this delightful boutique war could take pride in the fact that they had done something nobody had done before, and have not done since: fight a war from beginning to end in less time than it takes to roast a Christmas turkey.

          That’s something nobody can ever take away from them.

          This certainly qulifies as a fun recounting of a moment in history where very quickly one side of a conflict had to be wondering, “Just what the heck was I thinking, again?” … That said, we were most impressed with the shorthand language used in 1896. Heck we though “LOL” originated with Social Media. Of course Canada claims credit for that, should you be interested. You may not have any idea what a BBS (Bulletin Board System) looked like in the early days of the internet, but if you click on that link, you will get a bit of an idea. Now just imagine a little-bitty screen with a dark gray screen and very pixelated letters on it (probably in green). As for us, we will happily give them credit should they feel it important. How much can you brag about snow and maple syrup, eh?

          Tequila Everyone?

          Big Shots (and Their Tequila)

          Dozens of spirited celebs have taken the leap into the liquor market since George Clooney and Rande Gerber sold their famed Casamigos tequila to the spirits company Diageo for a reported $1 billion. Here, Penthouse takes a look at notable booze brands launched by some of the biggest names in showbiz and sports. So belly up to the bar, and learn more about these top-shelf celebs.

          KENDALL JENNER

          The 25-year-old model and star of the recently wrapped Keeping Up with the Kardashians named her 818 tequila after the area code of her native L.A. Judges at the World Tequila Awards say 818’s reposado has “an earthy nose which hints at pecan pie, sweet potato and caramel.” But booze isn’t her only venture. With her makeup mogul sister, Kylie Jenner, the couture queen launched the Kendall + Kylie fashion line. She also broke into the beauty industry with the oral hygiene line Moon. And the entire Kardashian clan is gearing up for a new reality show on streaming service Hulu.

          DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

          The former wrestler turned action movie hero owns Teremana tequila with co-founders Dany Garcia, Jenna Fagnan and Ken Austin. The brand’s reposado and blanco have been praised for their citrus-tinged flavor and oaky nuances, and the Ballers actor, 49, has frequently featured the liquor on his popular Instagram account. The savvy businessman has also partnered with apparel manufacturer Under Armour to release the Project Rock collection, which includes training shoes, hats, bags and clothes for men and women. He’s also launched Athleticon, a competitive bodybuilding show in the vein of Mr. Olympia.

          RITA ORA

          The “Let You Love Me” songbird, 30, says she collaborated with a female master distiller on Próspero’s blanco, reposado and añejo varieties with hopes to “push boundaries” in a largely male-dominated segment of the industry. Upon its 2020 release, she explained, “I do feel like this project really comes from the heart.” The British performer has also branched out into acting and modeling. She’s been the face of Italian sneaker brand Superga and has a designer collaboration with Adidas. She’s also co-designed a capsule shoe collection with Italian footwear legend Giuseppe Zanotti.

          JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

          The 40-year-old recording artist — and star of the flick Palmer — brought the “SexyBack” to the alcohol market in 2013 with business partner Kevin Ruder via their award-winning 901 tequila, which has since been renamed Sauza 901. Its reposado is said to feature hints of vanilla, while the añejo boasts notes of pepper, coffee, nuts and roasted oak. The former NSYNC boy bander has sold more than 32 million albums as a solo artist. But he’s also been involved in the restaurant biz and launched the William Rast clothing line with pal Juan “Trace” Ayala and the collaborative collection Fresh Leaves with Levi’s.

          SAMMY HAGAR & ADAM LEVINE

          The “I Can’t Drive 55” rocker, 73, and the Maroon 5 frontman, 42, collaborated on what they call the world’s first tequila-mezcal hybrid in 2017 — 11 years after the former Van Halen singer founded Cabo Wabo tequila and seven years after he sold his stake in CW to the Campari Group for $11 million. Sammy has owned nightclubs in Mexico, Lake Tahoe, Fresno and Las Vegas, and in 2011, he launched Sammy’s Beach Bar Rum. Adam created the First Act 222 guitar, which was built to his specs and sold in Target, and also launched his own fashion line, 222.

          MICHAEL JORDAN

          The 58-year-old Chicago Bulls veteran and six-time NBA champ — along with four co-founders — created Cincoro tequila, its name being a portmanteau of the Spanish words for “five” and “gold.” You’ll need deep pockets for its ultra-premium extra añejo, which clocks in at nearly $1,600 — but other varieties come with more reasonable price tags, hovering near the $100 mark. Of course, money is no object for Jordan, who’s worth a reported $1.6 billion. The retired jock is principal owner of the NBA’s Charlotte Hornets and co-owner of NASCAR’s 23XI Racing, which fields driver Bubba Wallace. Jordan’s got numerous endorsement and business feathers in his cap, including his hugely popular Air Jordan sneakers with Nike.

          CARLOS SANTANA

          The legendary guitarist, 73, actually hails from Jalisco, Mexico, the famed home of tequila, giving him a greater connection to the spirit than most celebrities. Casa Noble has been produced since the 1700s, but Santana, along with business partners, bought a stake in the brand in 2011. The iconic axman has also used his musical knowledge and expertise to design several Gibson and PRS Guitars. In 2019, Santana launched the Carlos Santana Coffee Company, and a year later, he announced a partnership with Left Coast Ventures, a cannabis and hemp business headquartered in Santa Rosa, Calif., which saw the creation of cannabis brand Mirayo.

          AC/DC

          Thunderstruck is more than one of the Australian rock bands biggest hits — it’s also the name of their successful tequila line. The brand’s earthy silver variety is said to feature a buttery taste with a semi-dry fade and a smooth finish, while its reposado is a robust beverage with a warm, golden hue. The tequila followed the 2012 debut of the band’s Thunderstruck wine. They’ve also got their own Rock or Bust German premium lager, AC/DC beer and the energy drink High Voltage. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg for the legendary rockers, who’ve also had their own branded headphones, Converse Chuck Taylors and a Monopoly board game.

          TOBY KEITH

          The 59-year-old country superstar’s Wild Shot mezcal sets itself apart from the pack by being made with 100 percent green agave — instead of tequila’s typical Blue Weber agave — and by featuring a worm in the bottle. According to Keith, “It’s not there for the looks. It is there to be eaten.” The singer also owns the popular Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill restaurant chain, which is named after one of his hit tunes, and established the clothing line TK Steelman, among other business ventures. With an estimated net worth of $365 million, he’s been dubbed the Cowboy Capitalist.

          CHRIS NOTH

          Sex and the City’s Mr. Big is the face of Ambhar tequila, as well as the brand’s creative director and majority shareholder. Noth, 66, once bragged his booze was “better,” “richer and more complex” than Casamigos, but he generously added, “There’s room in the market for both.”  The accomplished actor, who’s reprising his iconic role in the Sex and the City HBO Max reboot, is also a big name in NYC nightlife. He’s been a co-owner of The Cutting Room with Steve Walter since its founding in 1999, and with co-investors David Wells and Damon Dash, he was an owner of The Plumm, which closed in 2009.

          POST MALONE

          This year has brought plenty of new music, including the song “Tequila Shots” from G-Eazy and Post Malone. Although the tattooed “Circles” singer doesn’t have his own brand of tequila, in 2018 he was presented with a custom bottle of Avión Reserva 44 — which was engraved with an image of his famous face. However, you may be surprised to learn that Malone is behind Maison No. 9 wine, an homage to rosé. The vino’s name is said to be inspired by the artist’s favorite tarot card — the Nine of Swords — and is priced at a very affordable $22.

          MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY 

          The Lone Star State’s favorite bongo-playing son, Matthew McConaughey, joined forces with Kentucky bourbon distillery Wild Turkey to launch Longbranch. The small batch, eight-year-old bourbon boasts flavors of caramel, pear and hints of citrus with notes of pepper and toasted oak. But bourbon isn’t McConaughey’s only passion. The 51-year-old Oscar winner is also a minority owner in Major League Soccer’s Austin FC. Calling the sport a “great uniter,” the actor says he’s focusing on establishing a “legacy” that utilizes Austin’s culture to help the franchise’s “roots grow deeper, not just wider.”

          Alright, alright, alright. (Sorry. Had to be done.) … Seriously, though, we were impressed that the star shunned the typical tequila branch in favor of some good ol’ American bourbon. It even has its own web site which you can check out — presuming you can remember your birthday or at least be able to subtract 21 from 2021. If you cannot, you likely should not be here anyway. You’re gonna be confused.

          Sustainable in Style

          Penthouse Highlife — Fall 2021

          Sustainable Footwear

          Some will call it sacrilege. We just call it good taste.

          For far too long the rubber flip-flop has been an overused staple of a regular man’s summer wardrobe.  But with time comes connotations, and one can’t help but associate this floppy piece of footwear with lazy days at home and beer-guzzling guys in sports bars rather than a stylish ensemble.

          Now is the time to invest in something a little more considered; something that will keep the wind running through your toes without sacrificing on style.  In layman’s terms—it’s time to get yourself a pair of sandals.  The sandal market has really come into its own in recent years, managing to brush off years of stereotypes associated with bearded ’70s hippies and Silicon Valley CEOs.

          The main reasons for this are bigger demands for comfort, longevity and something that can be worn with anything other than a pair of shorts and a vest or T-shirt.  Some of the biggest names in the business are throwing out superb designs made from the finest leathers, with soles that can withstand anything from a day sauntering around at home, to a soiree at the beach or a step about town.  They quite literally go with anything in your wardrobe, from shirts and cardigans, to roomy slacks and jeans.

          As many of us turn to more ethically made sustainable clothing, this little investment could be one of the best and most comfortable you make this summer, while ridding the world once and for all of uncomfortable, easily broken rubber flip-flops. And if your friends disapprove? Well maybe they should not really be your friends. We’re just saying to consider that.

          Sustainable Automobiles

          Electric Car Sustainability

          Welcome the electric king.

          With the arrival of Cadillac’s Lyriq, a  great new era has begun. The production debut of the 2023 Cadillac Lyriq culminates a century of innovation. Testing of Cadillac’s inaugural luxury SUV has been running ahead of schedule, and customers can place order reservations from September 2021. Estimates now project initial availability starting in the first half of 2022.

          “Throughout the next decade, Cadillac will define the future of luxury transportation through a series of exciting new electric vehicles, and it all begins with Lyriq,” said Rory Harvey, vice president, Global Cadillac.”

          The 2023 Cadillac Lyriq’s stunning design and artfully integrated technology combined with GM’s Ultium platform will deliver a high-performance luxury experience unlike anything that has come before it, setting a new standard for Cadillac.”

          Lyriq will be available with both premier technologies and stirring performance capabilities enabled by the vehicle’s dedicated electric architecture. Complete with a 12-module, 100 kilowatt-hour battery pack and rear-wheel drive, Ultium platform will deliver an estimated 340 horsepower and 440 Nm of torque—and a Cadillac-estimated over 300 miles of range with a full charge.

          “Thanks to the modular and highly flexible Ultium platform that powers Lyriq along with advanced virtual development tools, Cadillac has been able to accelerate development and put more real-world miles on prototypes sooner than expected,” said Jamie Brewer, Lyriq chief engineer. “It’s exciting to see our objectives realized on the road—and it means we are on track to bring this pioneering electric luxury vehicle to customers nine months earlier than originally planned.”

          Lyriq will feature next-gen variable Regen on Demand technology, along with the convenience of One-Pedal Driving. Regen on Demand enables drivers to control how quickly Lyriq slows down, or comes to a complete stop, using a pressure-sensitive paddle located directly on the steering wheel.

          Additional Specs

          • Optional Super Cruise, the industry’s first true hands-free driver-assistance technology for compatible roads
          • 33-inch-diagonal advanced LED display
          • Active Noise Cancellation system
          • Slim-line LED headlamps with choreographed lighting sequence
          • AKG Studio 19-speaker audio system with headrest speakers
          • KeyPass digital vehicle access
          • Dual level charge cord
          • Standard 20-inch split, six-spoke alloy wheels or optional 22-inch dynamic split-spoke reverse rim alloy wheels

          Fit for a King

          The interior presents clean and simple with a focus on secondary and tertiary design elements, including intricate laser-etched patterns through wood over metal decor, which has never been done before. The large, curved LED screen is the centerpiece. All of the components are incorporated artfully, blurring the lines of separation between technology, lighting and decor.

          Sustainable Celebrations

          Sustainability in Beverages

          Technically all beverages themselves could qualify as sustainable, as they do tend to come from plants. That said, the process of making them could pose a carbon footprint problem. Also, and we should be honest here: Not all beverages are created equal.

          Mezcal 101

          In the most simple terms, the difference between tequila and mezcal is how it is cooked. Tequila is produced by steaming agave inside industrial ovens before it’s distilled two or three times in copper pots. Mezcal’s agave is cooked inside earthen pits that are lined with lava rocks and filled with wood and charcoal before being distilled in clay pots.

          Tequila tends to have a smooth, sweet flavor, and mezcal is often described as savory and smoky. The smoky quality comes from the underground cooking process.

          MANHATTAN

          • 2 oz. Doña Vega Espadín Mezcal
          • 1 oz. Sweet Vermouth
          • 3 dashes Angostura Bitters

          Instructions: Mix all ingredients in a shaker and add plenty of ice. Stir for 15 rotations. Strain into your selected glass. Can be served straight up or on the rocks. Garnish with a charred orange peel, maraschino cherry or a brandied cherry.

          OAXACA OLD FASHIONED

          • 2 oz. Mezcal
          • .25 oz. Simple Syrup
          • 2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters

          Instructions: Stir together all ingredients in a rocks glass with a large ice cube until well chilled.

          SMOKY CASA MARGARITA

          • 2 oz. Casamigos Mezcal
          • 1 oz. Fresh Lime Juice
          • .75 oz. Agave Nectar
          • 2 dashes Orange Bitters

          Instructions: Combine all ingredients in a tin shaker. Add ice. Shake well. Strain into a rocks glass. Add fresh ice. Garnish with a charred orange peel.

          Don’t get us wrong, we love classic tequila cocktails, but when we fire up a cigar, we sometimes find ourselves itching for tequila’s smokier cousin, mezcal. When the sun is setting on another scorching day, rather than reaching for a whiskey nip to pair with a fat Cuban, try those bold, spirits-forward takes on the traditional Manhattan, old-fashioned Oaxaca and classic margarita with a twist.

          Remember, it never hurts to slip on some sustainable comfort that not only lets your toes breathe, but also lasts for years and years. Jump in your environment-friendly technical marvel of a car, and head out to escape for the weekend at your local commune with nature destination. Then experiment with some new favorite ways to add some mezcal to your cocktail rotation. You’d best plan on staying overnight as you apply these new mixology experiments, however. Serious science takes serious effort, so put your keys in a safe place away from you as you contemplate what else you all might do to further sustainability efforts in your own little piece of the world.

          Automobile manufactures make it easy to research things like the Cadillac Lyriq, but we can give you a head start on awesome sandals and truly fine mezcal. We do try to be friendly like that around here.

          Sustain On, Our Friends!

          Currency Apocalypse

          Currency: Impending Economic Apocalypse

          [Before beginning, we should note that the views reflected in this editorial reflect ONLY those of the author, and not Penthouse as an organization. Characterization of “Crackpot Ideas” only exists from extremely subjective interpretation. Sadly, middle ground has all but disappeared these days in the US vs. THEM chaos we keep electing to Governments around the world. Just bear that in mind as you evaluate the (actually interesting) theory presented. -Ed.] Continue reading “Currency Apocalypse”

          VA Care

          Don’t Believe Everything You’ve Heard About VA Care

          For the last decade or so, a few times a year I’ve hopped on the R train and headed south, south, south. Past the hipster villages of North Brooklyn, past big, sprawling Prospect Park and Green-Wood Cemetery, even past the Little Hong Kong that’s built up in recent times. My destination’s been off the very last stop, 95th Street, in the neighborhood of Bay Ridge, a part of Brooklyn that’s not a tourist destination or a human zoo. It’s a conservative enclave in deep-blue New York, featuring a smattering of pizza parlors and Irish pubs nestled around residential streets, and it’s where the Brooklyn VA Medical Center resides. Continue reading “VA Care”

          Sex Satire

          Sex & Satire in the Soviet

          Alexandr Grigorev is a Russian artist, architect and designer creating metamodern expressionist fine art illustrations and paintings with a postmodern pulse-raising erotic edge. Penthouse spoke with Grigorev about the Soviet-era magazine that inspired his style, how social media hinders artists, and the power of provocative (Sex Satire) art. Continue reading “Sex Satire”