Apparently the Parents

Posted on by Team Penthouse

World Peace with Parents

Years from now, when the annals of history include our timeline of idiotic events, I think it’s safe to say they’ll reference our stupid asshole of a president’s lust for banning. Boy, does he love to ban. He’s not any good at it, he just loves to try and do it.

So, I’m going to throw my two cents into the political ring here: You know what the commander in chief should do away with? Father’s Day. And Mother’s Day. And Parents’ Day, which I didn’t even know existed until I Googled “holidays celebrating parents.” All three of these festive events should be erased from our celebratory calendars. And while we’re at it, let’s also ditch all the mugs and T-shirts that say “World’s Greatest [fill in your favorite paternal figure here].”

“Parents just don’t understand” DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince

I love my folks. I mean, I really, really love them. I love them to a point that I’m pretty sure I’d kill for them. The circumstance would have to be right, of course. I mean, I wouldn’t go on some Devil’s Rejects-style murder spree just because one of them politely asked me to do so. But if the situation were dire enough—let’s say, somehow I knew that if I didn’t kill a guy he would then in turn kill one or both of them, and I also knew I wouldn’t, like, get the gas chamber for doing it—then sure, I think I’d kill for them. Probably. I can accept brutal violence under certain terms. What I can’t swallow is the perpetuation of a ridiculous concept.

There is no world’s greatest dad or mom because there are no superhumans. Given the average earthlings we’re dealing with here, and given the fact that we’re measuring them on how much they provide their children, the term “world’s greatest” is not in any way qualifiable. It’s like arguing whether cats are better than dogs (they’re not, by the way). And speaking of cats and dogs, those animals have the human parents of this world beat by a long shot. In order to stave off predators, cats and dogs actually eat the placenta after their young are born. Now that’s providing. It’s also exceptionally nasty. So don’t be so quick to pat yourself on the back because you cut the crust off a sandwich or took your kids to a Dodgers game.

Let’s also discuss the prerequisites…er, prerequisite…to become a parent. There’s only one: sex. (I realize that, like me, some of you are adopted, but if you want to get technical, that’s really just a purchase.) Back to sex: the simple, brainless, and most-likely-less-than-nine-minute activity that led to your conception. Nothing magic or “great” there. Even if your folks made the sweetest, most tender, tantric Kenny G-type love to create you, it wasn’t some superhuman achievement. This stuff is pretty basic. It’s reproduction. Always remember: If an eleven-year-old can do it, it’s probably not that complicated.

(NOTE: If you didn’t get that last reference, YouTube: “Insane Clown Posse Miracles video.”)

So, all this miracle bullshit created and continually feeds an illusion that our parents are somehow miraculously “greater” than they are. They’re not. “Parents just don’t understand.” Of course they don’t! For the same reason you and I don’t understand anything half the time!

Look, I can’t speak for you, but I’m a fucking moron for at least 74 cumulative hours during any given week. So why should my folks be any different? I get that realizing your parents being as dumb or confused or frightened as you is as harsh a realization as anyone could have, but that’s because we don’t address it head-on. We inadvertently avoid it throughout our childhood, so when it finally hits it’s devastating.

When I experienced it, I remember being mad at society for pulling the wool over my eyes, having me think my mom and dad were without limits. I’d been duped and it wasn’t fair…especially to my mom and dad. They didn’t deserve a son—one they’d provided so much for—suddenly being cross with them because they no longer had every answer; because they couldn’t protect me from every atrocity of the outside world; because they weren’t the superheroes I was led to believe they were.

The older I get, the more I realize what my parents actually are: not superheroes, but antiheroes. And, quite frankly, that’s what I want them to be: complex characters, capable of good, bad, and everything in between. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they slip, sometimes they fall, sometimes they fly. They’re complicated, like me. And I know for a fact my parents appreciate me seeing them as people and not perfection.

Even if your folks made the sweetest, most tender, tantric Kenny G-type love to create you, it wasn’t some super-human achievement. This stuff is pretty basic. It’s reproduction.

My mom and I recently started going to therapy together—a twist I never expected this late in our relationship. At the ripe age of 70, when most people are stuck in their ways and completely resistant to change, my mother agreed to see a therapist with me so we could better understand one another. And that to me celebrates how amazing she is more than any holiday ever could.

So, if this pitch for a holiday ban is ever actually read by Mr. Trump (assuming he can read) and he, for once, successfully manages to ban something—don’t worry, nobody’s telling you you can’t shower your parents with love. It’ll just be healthy, logical love. Find another, more mundane day to send them a gift and a card. We live in a capitalist society, for Christ’s sake. There’s no shortage of holidays for you to buy Mom or Dad something that says “Thank you.”

Trust me, a new Blu-ray player showing up on the doorstep for no apparent reason other than it being Arbor Day is something every parent can understand.

Obviously, this has particular relevance because we’re all about to experience the Banner in Chief back in the White House again. Of course, whatever happens, not a single one of us has the slightest ability to predict it, so we really should stop trying, honestly. We can very easily take issue – all due respect – to Mr. Derosa being a non-believer in there being such a thing as the “World’s Greatest Mother” at all. That’s clearly wrong. Just ask my mother.

We would encourage you to find Joe DeRosa online, however, and attend at least one of his live shows. You’ll have a great time … and maybe you’ll get a chance to tell him about your mom too.

A Lena by Any Name…

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Conversation with Lena Polanski

Performers in this business have been known to change their names with some regularity. Certainly no one gets surprised by that anymore (although the model release database people do tend to get rather annoyed). Someone changing her name FROM the famous Penthouse Pet one TO another name, though, now that doesn’t happen every day. We caught up with Lena, a.k.a. Destiny Rose (July 2022 Pet of the Month) at the AEE to ask her about that … and a few more things.

Coy by Any Name, Lena PolanskiPenthouse: We are here at AVN 2024 with our Little Polish Angel!

Lena: Actually… You know what? Last month I had a project for my class. It was a marketing class, and we were supposed to create a marketing plan for a Brand. I chose Penthouse, and I had to do 30 pages of analysis, of marketing, of Penthouse and its social media. … So far you’re doing a great job.

Penthouse: Thank you! We appreciate you saying that. OK, first question, what should we call you? Because we printed you as Destiny Rose, but we know you have stopped using that name.

Lena: That’s correct. Many of you probably recognize me as Destiny Rose or Little Polish Angel. Probably six months ago or so, I decided to change my name because I wasn’t feeling in tune with Destiny Rose. It’s very hard to explain, but I feel like so many creators right now decide to have those animated characters that they present online. I was just tired of it. … I was very tired of playing this not very smart character, because that was my strategy for a long time. I was just Destiny, a fun blonde girl. Meanwhile, I actually like the side of me that goes to college is educated. I love being Polish, and for a long time I was very ashamed of being Polish.

When I came here, a lot of my friends in college would joke about my accent and about me being… a charity case from Poland. And I started being very proud of who I am, and I also decided to rebrand myself towards being more of a mainstream creator. Before I was just … I was an OnlyFans model with social media. I decided to try to be a social media creator with an OnlyFans.

And that became a milestone. … Changing my name.

Penthouse: Nice! We love to hear that. So, what have you been doing since you were crowned Pet of the Month?

Lena: Wow, it’s been an amazing year. And also it was a very brutal year. … After I became a Penthouse Pet of the Month, a friend of mine in college, my ex best friend leaked my photos from OnlyFans.

She actually sent out my OnlyFans to many of my friends in Poland. She sent it out to my professor, the school board…. It was a really big mess, a pretty awful story. She was very jealous, very insecure. But it also was very hurtful for me because I was hiding it, you know, until being Pet of the Month, I was hiding, having OnlyFans.

I was just a normal creator. I just was not ready to, you know, show off like as an adult creator…. So it really hit me. I wasn’t ready for that. So I took a gap year, and I was the most amazing gap year of my life. Right now I’m back in college since the fall, but I travel … I went to Bali. I went to Italy. I went to Kenya. So that was incredible.

Penthouse: We are Sorry to hear that happened to you. But at least you did something positive after. All of your travels looked beautiful, we saw all of your social media posts. Now that you’re back in college, what is your major?

Lena: I started as an international business major, then into business management. And right now I’m doing communications. Well, yeah. Communication. That’s how we call it “communication.”

The program’s a little bit different. I’m there on the full-ride scholarship. I’m there as a scholar who is supposed to do research. That’s my main goal for the next two years, to do research. Actually, I’m researching communication and marketing in adult entertainment. So, it’s been a very, you know, how do you say, a taboo topic? No one wants to do it with me. … At first it was very hard for me to find a sponsor for this thesis, and my entire research project. … Professors, I guess, are just ashamed of it. Eventually I came up to a professor who really likes me and he said, “No, like my wife wouldn’t approve of it, even if it’s supposed to be a scientific research.”

But I decided to push through anyway, so that’s what I’m working on.

Penthouse: So, did you find a sponsor?

Lena: Yes and no. It’s complicated. I actually did with one of my marketing professors, where I did my research for Penthouse, because I was very passionate about Penthouse. I felt like, it was a big Brand. … So I just decided to do this big project on Penthouse marketing. And he responds, “Wow, you can actually be very graphic – because he didn’t know, he was one of the few people who didn’t know I was an adult star. So he was seeing me just as a very talented student. Later he found out, about me because he saw a TikTok of me with Anna Kendrick. … Do you know this actress? Well, anyway, we did a TikTok together and he saw me with Anna, and he asked me, “Is that you?”

I was like, “Yes…”

“Because I had no idea that you’re an… I’m sorry. I never expected from such an academically-oriented student…”

Then he said, “All right, I will sponsor you.”

Penthouse: That’s so nice.

Lena: That’s very nice. He’s such a talented professor. He has been doing research for many years, even for Cambridge. He’s a very, very talented person.

Penthouse: You mentioned Anna Kendrick. Do you know her, or did you just bump into her at a party?

Lena: That’s a great question.

We had seen each other around other parties. For whatever reason she just, happens to have friends in this industry. And during this one party, I did not expect her to recognize me at all. She walks in and she’s like, “Oh my God, Lena…”

I say, “Anna Kendrick? You remember me?”

We start having a little chat. And she’s very flirty. She’s… hypnotizing. Now I have a major crush on her, and I even have her phone number. The other day I texted her to ask if she wants to see me, but she didn’t reply … so I don’t know what to say. …

Penthouse: Oh, no…

Lena: No, I will try again. I will try again the next time I’m in Los Angeles.

Penthouse: Now we don’t want to say the name of your school … but you’re a woman from Poland studying in the United States. How did you end up there?

Lena: I’m not supposed to say the name of my school, because that’s what they instructed me to do. …

Because I’m coming from an extremely poor family in Poland, an underprivileged family. But I was always a very, very ambitious person. … And just one day – I’m not joking – one day I woke up, and I had this feeling of wanting to study in America. And I told everyone, I’m going to America.

It was around my second year of high school – in Poland you have three years of high school – it was my second year, and I just decided, I’m going to do it.

Everyone was laughing at me because I had like minus $10 in my bank account … and I just started studying really hard. I was going through all those resources online trying to find out how to study in America. … And then I passed the SAT. I passed with a really, really, really high score. I applied to many schools here, but I need to find schools where I’m given a full-ride scholarship. I had zero money. Plus I have always been a very academically-oriented person. I was on the national team for Taekwondo. So my resume was, I wouldn’t call it impressive, but it was definitely appealing to many colleges here.

They like diverse students. With [my school now] I applied and they sent me an email that I should come for a competition here. … They sent me tickets, so I came in, I passed and got passed the interviews, but at first I didn’t get the scholarship. I was the first one on the waiting list.

Only seven students per year in this college get a full-ride. It’s very competitive, with a scholarship worth almost $90,000 a year. It’s incredible.

I was first on the waitlist, but I was certain. I kept telling myself, “Oh, no. I’m going to study there.”

I was emailing them every single day. I was the most annoying person you can probably imagine.

I was emailing them every single day, and I guess that at some point they were just like, “OK. We can’t stand this girl anymore.” So here I am. Of course instead of being just an academic, I turned into an adult entertainer. It was three years ago now.

Penthouse: So you’re in your junior year of college?

Lena: Yes. Yes, that’s right, I’m a junior in college.

Penthouse: What’s the enrollment at school?

Lena: It’s a small private college, so in total they have 6000 students or so. … But it’s still nice. And they are incredible. They pay for my housing. They pay my food. They pay my tuition. … It’s also challenging, though. You need to study very hard. It’s not like I can fully devote myself to a career, while attending. I have to have straight A’s, at a minimum.

Do they require extracurriculars?

They would expect me to have all of those other activities, but I just don’t see a lot of sense in all those organizations, having all those passions outside of college.

I know I’m in adult entertainment, but I find myself to be different in this circumstance, because I’m looking at it like a scientific way of marketing. That’s why I didn’t get an internship. My whole life right now is one big internship. I can’t explain how many doors the adult entertainment opened for me.

And, you know, it’s a ‘pretty privilege’ too. It’s good to be a hot girl everywhere in the world.

I love studying, I really do … but sometimes … the professors – especially because my interest lies in modern social media marketing…. I sometimes feel like I could teach there. They have amazing professors, but it happens sometimes where they only teach from textbooks. In general, I feel like the teaching system is outdated. Textbooks are not always effective. The average span of attention with a person is seven seconds. … Everything should be, evolving, and I feel like it’s not.

My college is really good at that. I think we’re the prime of really expensive colleges, so we do our best work to improve the learning experience and then provide amazing opportunities.

That’s the most important aspect of my college, such a small private college. A lot of famous people come out of there, very successful people. So we bring them in to speak, or we sometimes get opportunities for internships. For example, I went to an internship at Wall Street. They have this program called … I can’t say the name because someone can look it up … but it’s a program basically for girls who have interests in working in finance or the economy. They sent us to New York for two weeks for an internship on Wall Street.

Come to find out, I hated that. … I thought that was my passion. I actually started school with the intention of going into finance, but I hated that time. The rat race is just not for me. But my college gives opportunities, and I feel like that’s something that matters the most for me.

Penthouse: Finding out what you don’t like can be very important.

Lena: I think, is probably most important because you can grow from there. Finding what you like is so random. Whereas finding what you don’t like can help you set boundaries and set your life path.

Penthouse: So you found out you didn’t like finance, but that led to discovering that you do like marketing and communication.

Lena: I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. … I feel like finance is so important that everyone should study finance. Even this semester I’m taking finance classes because I have great professors and it’s important to have this knowledge. But also because of my career, I focus on psychology, communication, marketing because that is what helps me with everyday life.

And that’s also what I’m doing my research on. Because, I have everyday interactions with those things.

Penthouse: You can run your own business….

It’s not all finance and money. That’s not how it works. You need to bring people to you. You need to create a brand and market yourself.

You need people to bring traffic to all platforms and counter all the negative spin. I personally think that scarcity brings out the best salespeople. … Let’s say with strippers, it’s all marketing. It’s all sales. You learn human psychology in this industry, more than you would learn anywhere else.

Think about it. Basically, now the competition has gotten so high around OnlyFans. Everyone has OnlyFans. Everything is OnlyFans. But you need to ask yourself a question: what makes a girl successful?

In my personal opinion, it comes down to having your own brand, showing yourself and your true self. Because there are so many companies with “gurus” that want to take your money to do what you can do on your own. Everyone can shake ass. Everyone can show tits. Everyone can dance in a bikini, but the women that are really successful show their personally. They’re very likable. Influencers make the most money of all of us because people like them for who they are.

If you drive a person [to OnlyFans] from social media just with your body, they lose interest easily. If you’re just yourself, and people like your personality, they will stay there for yorel=”shadowbox”u.

Penthouse: So true! Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us! We know you’ll continue to excel in college. And we cannot wait to see what is next for you.

Lena: Thank you, it was nice seeing you guys here.

Honestly, nobody around here would complain if we got to see Lena every year at the show — or, y’know, every day at breakfast. By the time we all reached coordinated schedules, it was very late in the day, and we were dead tired. Then Lena showed up, and we were all ready to conquer the world (or at least have a drink with it) again. Lena has that effect on people, which you will be able to tell should you visit her under either Lena or LittlePolishAngel on Instagram. Tell her we say, “HEY!”

The Interesting Pole

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Pole Position

It’s their job to butter you up and strip your wallet of its hard-earned contents, so you can be forgiven for an automatic inclination to assume that when a stripper calls you “handsome” she’s just hustling her crowd. But is there another side to the job? Can you genuinely find your audience attractive when you’re getting paid to remove your clothes for them? We hit the town and spoke to some strippers to find out if guys really try to pick them up at work, and if they ever play along.

“Guys try it almost every night,” we’re told. “You’d think they’d probably realize we’re not there to fuck them, but it doesn’t stop them.”

So, drunk dudes on a boy’s night out behaving badly in front of nude women? No surprises there. But when we asked a few girls if they ever go home with a customer after they get off the pole, we did get some surprising, even encouraging, responses.

“I haven’t, but a lot of my other stripper friends have,” says Gina, who’s in between sets at one of the city’s classier venues. “Some more than others. One girl I used to dance with used to screw, like, one or two guys from the club a week. Another friend met her fiancé in a private show.”

Who are these lucky guys, you ask, and what do you have to say to get across the line in a strip club? “I’ve only ever gone home with the sober ones,” says Xenia. “You kind of forget where you are and what you’re doing if you’re having fun with a guest, but if he’s sober and cute it’s easy to just say ‘fuck it’ and let him buy you a drink and take it from there. It feels safer as well, I guess.”

So, don’t go too heavy on the naughty water–seems like legit advice. But what about what to say?
“The best line I’ve ever heard was from this one guy–he looked like Robin Thicke and was wearing this shiny suit and cowboy boots–I went up and asked if he’d like a private show and he just said, ‘Wouldn’t that make it awkward if our grandkids ever found out that I paid money to see you naked though?’”  says Bobbi.

“And then there’s what never to say,” she continues. “That’s one example of a cheesy line being great, but pickup lines generally aren’t going to work on girls who are already naked, especially when they hear them all every day. Or involve direct reference to their dicks.

The worst I’ve probably heard is, ‘There are 206 bones in the human body–want another?’ And sometimes I swear if I have one more guy ask me if it hurt when I fell from heaven, I’m going to put my clothes back on and walk out.”

Mind Your Own Pole

Should you be convinced that you have zero interest in seeing any of that stripper pole expertise at work in private, feel free to use any of these examples of the top no-nos according to our poll. (Get it?)

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A STRIPPER:

  1. Ease the cheese. Don’t say anything obvious or clichéd. No, heaven isn’t missing an angel, U and I aren’t next to each other in the alphabet, and you can’t have her phone number just because you lost yours.
  2. Avoid talking about your junk. You’re trying to prove you’re the nicest guy in the place, so arm yourself with the charm to match. Telling her you “need a home for your purple dome” isn’t going to get you very far.
  3. If you do try to chat up someone who flirts for a living, don’t pretend you can out-game them. “The sweetest guys I meet at work are the ones who aren’t pretending to be George Clooney–genuine is always best,” says Bobbi.

As one might expect, over the years Penthouse has put the pole to good use in our layouts, and also as one might expect, not very many of those stripper pole sets have photographs we can use out here in the polite company world. Also as one might expect, you may find more “complete” pole galleries on PenthouseGold.

Interestingly enough—considering the holiday season, it turns out that much of the illustration for the PenthouseMerch site happened to take place in one of the Penthouse Clubs. Not only were we able to throw in a couple of gratuitous plugs by mentioning that, but we’re also able to show you that main site photograph in color. We just knew you were dying to see that.

Carolina White, Amber Marie, Hanna Carter, Kenzie Anne

Putting Laura Stylez on Leah McSweeney

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Laura Stylez May Be … Superbad

Don’t bother asking how Laura Stylez and Leah McSweeney first met, because they have no clue. “It’s like this ongoing funny little story between us because we can’t really pinpoint where we met,” Stylez says with a laugh.

“We met when I was sober, too, so you’d think I’d remember,” McSweeney interjects.

Somewhere in between their first encounter and countless three-hour lunch dates talking about men, life, and careers, somewhere in between their first encounter and countless three-hour lunch dates talking about men, life, and careers, the duo decided to take their banter public. The result is “Improper Etiquette,” the podcast they describe as “sex-positive,” punctuated with topics like current events, relationships, mental health, and the pair’s respective industries.

McSweeney just rounded the corner of 13 years since she first launched her massively successful Married to the Mob streetwear line for women, while Stylez has been a fixture in radio for well over a decade — most recently as the female voice of reason for New York City hip-hop station Hot 97’s flagship show, Ebro in the Morning. The podcast hit its 50th episode milestone this past summer.

Noteworthy “Etiquette” episodes include anecdotal discussions about McSweeney hot-wiring her faulty vibrator (“She electrocuted her clit just to get off!” Stylez says) and Stylez referring to her new relationship as a “Dominican Dick Chamber.”

And while the two are adamant the podcast is more than just a cheeky hour to talk dicks and clits, they do recognize the power behind gripping those microphones every week. (All phallic puns intended.)

How did the podcast first come about?

Laura: Leah kept telling me we should do a podcast, and I was like, “Ehhhh.”

Leah: The last thing you wanted to do was talk more.

Laura: Right! But then we had so much fun hanging out that I was like, “You know what? Let’s just do it.” We were looking for other people to be a part of it, and then we were like, “Why don’t we just do it ourselves?” So we did.

Leah: Did you think that after the first episode it would turn into what it has?

Laura: Not at all.

Leah: It’s crazy, right?

Why a sex-positive podcast — or a “sex pos-cast”?

Laura: Think about it. When you have a couple of drinks or when you’re having your special time with your best friend, you end up talking about sex.

Leah: I don’t know if everyone does, but we do.

Laura: But we do, and maybe it’s because me and [Leah] are super comfortable with each other to talk about it — our sex lives, just sex in general, things that we think are funny, things that we think are weird or just curious about. When I would talk with my friends, I realized how few of these conversations exist in their lives. So I was like, “Alright, cool. If we can just be really honest about blowjobs….” One [episode] Leah was like, “I can just imagine you giving a blowjob with your eyeliner dripping down your face.”

The “Slut Tears” episode.

Laura: Yes! The slut tears! I thought it was just the funniest shit ever. We honestly talk about everything, and sex is just a part of it. When we released our first episode, people responded giggling: “I listen to your podcast on the subway,” or “I listen to it driving and cracking up,” and “I can’t even tell people what I’m listening to.” And you see? We became the dirty little secret. People would email us — grown men — “Hey, I’m 45 and in California and you guys are definitely my dirty little secret. I don’t tell my wife that I listen to the podcast,” or “I don’t tell my girlfriend.”

Leah: Or, “I don’t tell my other construction worker buddies.”

You’re the “other women.”

Leah McSweeney & Laura StylezLaura: We are!

Leah: We’re kind of like the mistresses. Just to touch upon the sex thing, though. I gave up alcohol and drugs eight years ago, and all I have left is sex. Before, I got such enjoyment out of getting shit-faced and getting high. I had to give that up, so sex is all that’s left for me. That and iced coffee.

Laura, it had to be an especially interesting switch for you to discuss sex on-air, considering you’re a radio personality.

Laura: I talk for a living, but I don’t get to talk about sex freely.

Leah: You’re censored.

Laura: I’m censored. I can’t really say what I want to say all the time. I always have to be careful, tiptoe on how I deliver a message or talk about a story. But then, when you’re home alone, you go down these weird rabbit holes on YouTube or you start Googling these funny and interesting things. I’m thinking, I know other people wanna talk about this shit. One time I was like, “How do you prep for anal sex?” What if you have anal sex and a turd falls out? That’s not sexy. We literally had people tell us. I looked up this one porn star who uses butt plugs for two days [beforehand].

Leah: I am so not interested in stretching my butthole out.

People weigh in on this stuff? You have to have some amazing stories there.

Leah: This girl wrote in that her fuckin’ boyfriend DPs [double penetrates] her with his best friend, which I think is a great thing. I think it’s very loving and sharing. Happy family. I’m into it.

Laura: Leah’s fantasy is a gangbang.

Leah: It’s the only porn I can watch.

Okay, so who would be in the gangbang with you?

Leah: Ugly guys.

Laura: Older, ugly dudes?

Leah: Ugly, disgusting, fuckin’ nasty … I’ve already had hot guys. I need some ugly ones. It’ll happen.

Are you going to send an evite?

Leah: [Laughs] Okay, maybe not a gangbang, but on my bucket list is two dudes. I’ve never had that.

Laura: I’ve heard that double penetration is the orgasm to have.

Leah: I watch orgasm compilations on DP. These girls are being catapulted to the heavens. I’ll send you the link.

The thing about being so transparent, though, is that people must come up to you after the episodes, right?

Leah: You should see my inbox. It’s not even sexual, but like, “I have bipolar disorder,” [McSweeney openly discusses her bipolarism on-air] and I can’t help but write back. I have to.

Laura: With me, I love it. At first I was kind of embarrassed, but now I have people thanking me because they like listening to this different side of me. We get it all the time: “You guys are the friends in our heads.”

Leah: It’s really fucking sweet.

Laura: We’ve had some stories that have made us cry. Since we talk about everything, we had one episode where we discussed how women of a certain age are pressured to have kids and how we’re learning to be okay with having kids later in life. One woman hit us up, and we had already seen pictures of her and her husband with their child, but we don’t get to the listeners until the end. She basically wrote us this email about how she ended up getting pregnant right before [her husband] started chemo, and the pictures we saw were before he passed away.

Leah: He died when their daughter was one.

Laura: Leah started crying, I teared up. It’s like, we have these listeners whose stories have touched us so much. It’s changed our lives. I get goosebumps even thinking about it. It’s incredible that people are even reaching out to us, sending us photos, and telling us that we’re a part of their lives. It’s really changed [mine and Leah’s] relationship; we’ve gotten so much closer.

It does feel like your podcast turned a corner where it went from that “dirty little secret” to something much bigger. The subject matter also expanded.

Laura: After a while, I think it had to do with what we cared about. At first, it was fun just having this one type of conversation, but then it became things we cared about. Like, Leah’s obsession with the New York Post is so funny to me, so we just started talking about things that triggered emotions for us.

Leah: Also, while this podcast was growing, we got a new president, so obviously we’re going to cover that. Things happening in our lives — Laura started dating someone, I went through a really bad breakup. I couldn’t turn that off and be like, “Here I am! I’m great!” I was fucking heartbroken and devastated. I wasn’t going to come on here and lie about it. I did realize, though, that there were situations where what I said on this podcast could have an effect on my Google. When you Google my name now — woo! No regrets, no regrets at all. It has been a learning experience for me, though. Everything is recorded here — on Soundcloud, on iTunes — for everyone to hear, even my daughter and my mother. Everybody.

Laura: And we own up to our mistakes. When we’re right, we’re right. When we’re wrong, we apologize and admit that we’ve fucked up. We’re honest, and we change our mind about shit. We’re human beings. Things we cared about one day, maybe we don’t give a shit about the next.

How have your sex lives changed since this podcast?

Laura: Well, I went from having a very “meh” sex life to being in a Dominican Dick Chamber.

Leah: [Laura] would always warn me: “Be careful! You don’t want to end up in a Dominican Dick Chamber!” And now she’s in one and has not gotten out.

Laura: I’m still in the chamber. So, my sex life has been great. He does not listen to the podcast. And I like it that way.

Leah: The last guy — the devastating breakup guy — his friends would listen, but he wouldn’t. They wouldn’t tell him anything, though. I think they were scared. I would always be talking about how I wanted to toss his salad, and he wouldn’t let me. I’m sure they were like, “I can’t believe she’s out here talking about how she wants to lick his asshole. What’s wrong with her?” Then, the current guy, a couple days ago, he was like, “One of my best friends hit me up and said, ‘I found a gem!’”

I was like, “Oh yeah? What?”

He said, “Improper Etiquette.”

I’m like, “Fuck!”

It’s a risk that you both take, though. You’re not going to reserve yourselves.

Leah: No way. I mean, look, if something embarrassing happens to him during sex — like he couldn’t get it up — I wouldn’t talk about it on-air. I’m over here being like, “His dick never goes down!” Which is true, so…

He sounds like a champ.

Leah: Yeah, but he comes really quickly the first time, so we have to go five more times after that. But he can do it!

Did you have any reservations about diving so deeply into your sex lives on-air?

Laura: I did. I battle with it, because how the hell am I going to be talking about being in a Dominican Dick Chamber and then I’m doing all this community outreach work? I think about it in the back of my mind, because my whole career, I know that anything I say can be used against me. But then I’m also at a point where I just don’t give a fuck anymore. It’s a part of who I am, why should I be censoring myself all the time?

Leah: This is the stigma around sex, and it’s a problem. Why can’t a woman be sexually active, talk about her sex life, and at the same time be with the mayor doing [community] things?

Have you gotten any raunchy comments?

Leah: I got some dick pics. I was complaining that Laura got all the dick pics.

Laura: There was a point where all of my Instagram direct messages were just dicks after dicks after dicks. I would save these cocks on my phone, and on my girls group chat I would randomly send them in or email them.

Leah: And these are not pretty dicks, but they’re great for the gangbang.

Laura: I had a “cock folder” and would put them all in there. Then one day, my phone broke and I had to go to the Apple store and unlock the phone. I forgot about all the cocks. When I got it back, the guy working there had this weird look on his face. I was like, “Why were you looking at my pictures?” To this day, when I back up my stuff and sync my phone, dick pics pop up and my past comes back to haunt me. I had to explain it to my man. I said on the podcast, “Don’t send me any more cocks. Send them to Leah.” Then Leah got bombarded.

Who would wear the strap-on between the two of you?

Leah: Laura.

Laura: [Laughs] I probably would.

Leah: You would totally fuck me. I mean, I’d want to fuck you, but I think you would totally fuck me. She’d make me do all sorts of bad stuff. I’d totally be the submissive.

Laura: I’d probably grab her by her ponytail. I would walk you like a little poodle.

Leah: Just get me a pink leash. A Swarovski diamond-encrusted pink leash.

With a diamond bit.

Leah: Oh my God. I’m kind of into this.

Kathy Iandoli is a critically acclaimed journalist and author. Her work has appeared in Pitchfork, VICE, Maxim, O, Cosmopolitan, The Village Voice, Rolling Stone, and Billboard. She is coauthor of the book Commissary Kitchen with Mobb Deep’s late Albert “Prodigy” Johnson. … Ms. Iandoli also wrote a great book that you should wander through when you have time. If nothing else (and there will be much else), it will make you appreciate The Equalizer even more.

Leah McSweeney has of course written quite a bit for us, so feel free to enjoy some of her other observations. We do.

High-Maintenance Pleasure

Posted on by Team Penthouse

High-Maintenance Rule

Every woman has a high-maintenance bitch inside her. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s what gives us our competitive edge and extremely soft skin. Have you ever noticed that the bigger the bitch, the softer the skin?

Dermatologists will tell us girls that we need to exfoliate, rinse, tone, and cleanse our face like it’s a laundry cycle, when really all it takes is embracing a bratty attitude every now and then.

You see, low-maintenance women are all about what you want, not what they want. Low-maintenance women internalize their feelings, and these feelings have nowhere to escape so they get clogged up in the pores, leaving the skin oily and rough. High-maintenance women make sure they get their way, which leaves them happy and refreshed. This gives them clear pores, resulting in baby-soft skin.

I don’t make the rules (and neither does science). God wrote the book, and from what I hear, She’s a real high-maintenance bitch.

The key is to find a woman who is 75 percent awesome and 25 percent high-maintenance. Scientifically — ahem! — speaking, there are six types of women in America, and here’s how to win an emotional fencing match with each of their inner high-maintenance bitches.

(Disclaimer: All the women described in this article are caricatures found only in bad romantic comedies.)

The High-Maintenance Alpha Female

The Alpha Female is great, because not only does she think she knows more than you, she does. She has two degrees, most likely in law and English literature, but only got the second one for “personal knowledge.” Her career is the most important thing in her life, so you better have a magic cock if you plan on changing that. Even then, the Alpha Female isn’t all about penis. She needs someone who meets, but doesn’t challenge, her own level of success. She will have you sign a prenuptial agreement, even if you make the same amount on paper. The Alpha Female doesn’t want to be told what to do, or how to do it, so when she comes home complaining about a horrible day at work, just listen, pour her a glass of wine, and say, “That sucks. I understand.” Don’t offer solutions to her problems. She’ll have already thought of (and vetoed) at least seven by the time she’s done telling you how stupid her coworkers are.

The High-Maintenance Socialite

The Socialite usually dwells in a big city. If you see her in a rural area, it’s because she’s been murdered and dumped in a field. (It’s the closest she’ll ever come to camping.) This woman is more like a girl. She feeds off the glow of her iPhone and has a mirrored case so she can check her makeup before she takes another selfie. You have to be a bit high-maintenance yourself to combat her vanity. Whether she’s from old money, new money, or just wants your money, she’ll never be satisfied. You are a dick until she wants something, then she’s sweet as pie. Most men reluctantly stay with a woman like this, insisting she has a “magic pussy” or something. Her pussy may be magical, but it ain’t special … because everyone has a magic pussy. (Have you seen what a pussy can do? They’re like the Criss Angel of the female anatomy.)

The only way to keep your sanity with this archetype is through discipline. No one stands up to this girl. Her parents spoiled her, and her friends in high school were all scared of her. She’s surrounded by “yes” men, and she is so bored. Alpha up and be the “no” in her life. She demands you pick her up when she’s done drinking with her girlfriends? Tell her to take an Uber. She wants to host a baby shower at your place? Think again. She needs your car? Nope, not that either. It’s like “time out” but for a grown-up woman.

The High-Maintenance Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master

You would think that the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master would be as low-maintenance as a betta fish, but she’s not. You can’t go out to eat because everything needs to be gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, farm-fresh, non-GMO, and on and on and on. If you’ve had a shitty day, she’ll blame it on your aura and suggest a shaman or Reiki and crystal healing. She does not wear lipstick (cruel to animals) or nail polish (toxic poison) and will blame everything on the universe. However, the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master can be fun. She’ll go camping with you, travel just about anywhere, and will experiment with freaky, mind-expanding drugs. She’s up for anything, especially if nature is involved. And though she may spend half the time talking to you about cloud formations, she’ll be down to fuck in the woods (you know, to be closer to Mother Earth). The best way to deal with the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master is to meet on her level. Try the kombucha she insists is delicious. Go to that hot yoga class with her. She’ll respect the effort, even if you suck at it.

The High-Maintenance Homemaker

The Homemaker just wants to nest. She loves antiquing, thrifting, shopping, cooking, and even folding laundry. She is obsessively clean and finds joy in using a vacuum. She loves animals and children, and can’t wait to have a house full of them. The Homemaker has one dream and it’s very 1952: a nice suburban home, three kids, a dog, and a husband who brings home the bacon. She is more than happy to do everything domestic like childcare, gardening, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining a gorgeous, homey household. She’s old-fashioned that way. You handle the finances and keep a roof over her head, and she’ll keep filling it with stuff. Sound good? It is … but now that she’s made her home her purpose, she won’t let anyone mess it up. You’ll spend a month’s salary on Swiffer sheets and have to take your shoes off before setting foot inside. But, the Homemaker will never disappoint your dinner guests, so every meal will be made from scratch and taste like heaven. You’ll get fat and happy.

How do you land this girl? Luck of the draw. Five decades ago these babes were a dime a dozen, but now not many people even want a relationship like this. If you find her, hang on tight.

The High-Maintenance Country Girl

The Country Girl is about as low-maintenance as it gets. She grew up on a farm, so dirt, change, and hard work don’t bother her. She knows how to drive a truck, fly-fish, and butcher a chicken. The Country Girl played with knives, not dolls, and knows how to handle herself in a zombie apocalypse. She likes guns almost as much as horses, and her Beaumont-Adams is her favorite possession. The Country Girl grew up with five brothers and is treated like a princess by all the men in her family. Though she’s resilient and fun, she’s got a fiery temper. Her brothers were tough, and her father was tougher, so she has thick skin and a low tolerance for bullshit. The only high-maintenance people in this situation are all the guys she grew up with, so you should worry about impressing them. Don’t show up in clean sneakers. A real man doesn’t own clean sneakers.

The High-Maintenance Psycho [Hose Beast]

Never worth it. Run. Restraining orders suck, and you don’t need another gun rack. 

By her own description, Mish Barber-Way is the smartest dumb blonde ever. She also fronts the band White Lung, loves bacon, and TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

Now having known and worked with Mish for a time, we would never question her authority or insights into much of anything, let alone women. … That said, we could provide some alternatives to high-maintenance objects of obsession, like maybe boats, or fantasy football, or even dedicating yourself to the quest for the perfect ice cream. Honestly, there may be less heartache.

The Unwoke Rallying Cry

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Unwoke And Impractical

A big debate in the military community returned with a fury in late summer, in full unwoke rage. In a series of tweets sent from a golden toilet, President Trump announced his administration would be banning transgender citizens from military service—as well as removing trans folks already in the military. (Somewhere between 4,000 and 15,000 service members, according to various media estimates.)

This announcement caught the Pentagon off guard, and as of press time, it’s still murky whether or not Trump’s trans ban will receive any follow-through, let alone implementation. (The Department of Defense announced that it did not consider Twitter an official communication channel for the commander in chief and thus would be waiting for something more official.) To Trump proponents, this executive freelancing with directives shows initiative and the prodding of large, slothful institutions, I guess. To Trump detractors, it again shows a man unwilling or unable to understand basic government practices.

Openly trans citizens have been able to serve in the military only since late in Obama’s second term, a decision that was met then with some outcry and push-back. A percentage of the objections seemed measured enough: concerns and questions about unit cohesion, morale, oversight ability, financial costs. Critics also sought specifics concerning gender reassignment surgeries and their impact upon the mission, etc.

Other objections skewed more toward the drunk-uncle-at-Thanksgiving variety: “I don’t want someone who gets their dick chopped off protecting me, har har har.” Add to this suggestions that transgender people are mentally unwell, and, my personal favorite, the assertion that military isn’t a social experiment. (Usually accompanied by an exclamation point and a meme with a giant-ass American flag in it.)

Practicality vs. Unwoke

The military isn’t a social experiment? What the hell else would you call an organized force designed to let young people kill and get killed for the ideas, ideals, and politics of their home country/older people? Hell yeah, the military is a social experiment. So was riding a horse into battle, using a musket, integrated units, allowing women to serve, and ending conscription, once upon a time.

Organized violence with rules like the Geneva Convention is itself a social experiment. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but personally I’m glad for it—I like being able to walk down the block to Starbucks to type out my monthly rage-screeds for Penthouse without the fear of rival hunter-gatherer Cody the Caveman spiking me over the head with his club.

Anyhow, back to transgender citizens and the military. Stereotypes be damned, it’s not easy to become an American soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine. Especially nowadays. To wit: Something like one-third of American young people would be too overweight to join the military, according to a 2015 report by the nonpartisan nonprofit Mission Readiness. By my napkin math, that’s roughly 25 million people.

Simply put, America is not in a position to be kicking out able-bodied young people, especially ones with combat experience and for whom hundreds of thousands of training dollars have already been invested.

Meanwhile, Trump’s transgender ban seeks to kick out that aforementioned 4,000 to 15,000 service members already serving, as well as bar entry to an unknown number of potential future recruits. (Considering how recently trans citizens were allowed to join the military, it’d be foolhardy to even try an estimate at how many would/will join in future years.)

Those 4,000 to 15,000 trans service members have already met all physical, mental, and moral thresholds placed in front of them. They’ve met the standard. Isn’t that all that’s supposed to matter in the military? That’s what I learned in the Army. It didn’t matter what your skin color was, what god you worshipped, how much money your parents had, or how you preferred getting your rocks off. Meet the standard? You’re in. Don’t? See you later, thanks for trying.

This isn’t about national security, no matter what Trump or his gobbler-chinned robber barons may argue. It’s more us-versus-them hatred and preying upon a vulnerable community, because that’s what this president does.

Unwoke Denial

If President Trump really cares about bettering our youth and military, he’d look into former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! exercise campaign for young people. I don’t know how much it really changed, but at least it was something. At least it tried to defy the narrative that our kids are destined to be oversized and vacant-brained.

Not trying to pick on the overweight here—leave your body-shaming at the gate, you barbarians!—but yes, we want our young soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines fit. More broadly, it’s important to remember that getting into (and staying in) the military is no automatic, whether the young recruit’s going to be a cook or a spec ops snake-eater. And the physical standards are just one part of it—mental health, moral strength, the whole enchilada matters. 

We are going on year 17 of the Global War on Terror. There is no end in sight, and if anything, it seems like the war gets bigger and more protracted with each passing day. More generational, to borrow Senator John McCain’s term. Simply put, America is not in a position to be kicking out able-bodied young people, especially ones with combat experience and for whom hundreds of thousands of training dollars have already been invested. It’s not just unwoke, it’s impractical. And it’s not just a betrayal of our better angels. It’s fucking stupid.

The continuing separation of America from its military is a dangerous game for a republic. And make no mistake about it: Barring transgender citizens from service during wartime only aggravates that.

Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood (Atria/Simon & Schuster).

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but this article ran in the magazine in November of 2017, and we decided to run it online today because of our recent Presidential election. Given the past political week – what renown professor Scott Galloway has already called “The Testosterone Election” (CNN, Smerconish, November 9, 2024) – it may be interesting to see where the unwoke majority and core family first proponents take us. Seems like someone suggested, “May we live in interesting times.” … Curse or not, being boring sucks. … Should you be curious, on a completely unrelated topic, that November, 2017, issue also featured an article entitled, “Thank God for Sluts Paving the Way Toward Sexual Freedom.” We do not all prioritize the same way, you see.

Democratic Rights

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Democratic Men’s Rights

I am a lifetime Democrat — but in this election I’m voting for Ronald Reagan. My decision has nothing to do with the issues of unemployment, the national deficit, nuclear missiles, or the Persian Gulf and Central American crises. I am crossing party lines for one simple reason — to protect my rights as a man in America.

As I mentioned in a previous column, you should be alerted that a woman may become the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, if not in 1984 then in 1988, and may head the national ticket by 1992. I am not in the least opposed to the idea of having a woman president, as long as she is elected by voters who consider her more qualified to lead the nation than her political opponent. What I am concerned about is that feminist leadership may control her candidacy — and the Democratic party — and dominate the White House. The issue today is how much power the feminist leadership will wield over Mr. Mondale, not whether a woman will possibly be nominated.

The Democratic party is fragmented and disorganized and desperately in need of a “political face-lift.” It seems to have no qualms about pandering to feminism in an attempt to tap the vast reservoir of women voters. The Republicans, on the other hand, as incumbents have no such urgency to make expendient political deals.

Watching the recent Democratic presidential primaries and convention hoopla was as educational as it was recreational. I doubt that the Democrats could govern the country even if they do win. I believe that they cannot erase the damage of the vicious primary battles. The Democratic campaign has been a struggle of personal ambitions, and this has been destructive to the party. Now the Democrats have been forced to sell their political souls to the feminist leadership, and there can be no turning back. The feminists’ sole aim is to control politically the White House, the Congress, and the Supreme Court of the United States.

If we choose a president or vice president based on gender politics, it will be only a matter of time before our federal courts become as biased against men as our domestic courts. Once again, let me stress that I am not opposed to women as judges or officeholders, but I am opposed to women who are not qualified to hold office or who are biased against men.

Even a Reagan victory in November will not really stem the tide toward full and eventual domination of the political scene by women. Senator Packwood (Republican-Oregon) is quoted as saying that the Republican party “will be dead” if it does not bridge the gender gap, because women are crucial to the outcome of the 1984 election. Senator Packwood believes that Reagan will be reelected because voters will cross party lines, but that women, a majority of whom vote Democratic, will influence all local races in November and will weaken the strength of the Republican party. Packwood says: “Women’s roles will be dynamite in almost all races except the presidential race.” Thus, the picture is becoming crystal clear: One party has sold out, whereas the other, if need be, is open to negotiations. Political expediency has become the order of the day.

What do women want politically? Given the choice, I believe most women would like to see a woman in the Oval Office, because it would be a dramatic statement and an achievement of equality. But I believe that the real goal of feminist leadership is to control the political policy of the United States and its economy.

All American men cannot be viewed as wimps. Faced with the stark reality of the feminist struggle for political power, men have few choices: They can either surrender totally or fight for men’s rights by joining the National Organization for Men, thereby making it equally as powerful as present feminist organizations. Men have to have their consciousness raised. We have been put down much too long by the feminist cabal.

President Reagan, as the leader of the Republican party, offers us an opportunity to experience the American ideal of gender equality. The Democrats, however, offer us sexual serfdom, with all of its unjust and unequal ramifications. That’s why I’m voting for Ronald Reagan.

Weird how things change over a few decades, right? It pretty much feels like the reds and blues have changed uniforms. That said, as of yet, women have not focused their voting power in any “winning way” overall, but check back with us when the results from this 2024 version in about a week. Maybe we’ll know more then.

Now back at the original publication, the world was a different place, so they actually included a physical address for the National Organization for Men, Inc., that being 381 Park Avenue South, Suite 815, New York, N. Y 10016. Presumably people still used pen and paper and physical envelopes to send mail. Who knows? We decided just to link to a couple of the major organizations taking up space in that arena now. You’ve got your National Coalition for Men, not to be confused with the National Center for Men, which would be totally different from the seemingly more societally-focused National Organization for Men Against Sexism. It would be interesting to drill down and find out which “men” these groups purport to represent these days. Age and culture appear to paint very different interpretations on that simple gender identification.

We do know that both “sides” at issue today will use very little paper as whoever loses bitches about how the world will end now, and something clearly was wrong wtih the entire election process. (The severity of that discord will likely depend upon which side ends up on top, however.) We just know that despite everything — and Reagan had his share of detractors back in his day, mind you — Democracy in general, and the Democratic system specifically, have proven remarkably resilient over the centuries. Perhaps you should just have a nice cool glass of chocolate milk and resolve to whine another day.

For our part, we may still have the chocolate milk, but we’ll also be trying to figure out how to use “sexual serfdom” more often in conversations around the office.

Democratic Women's Rights Too

Treats and (Sadly) Tricks

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Halloween Treats 2024

Obviously today you may choose between a Trick or some Treats, as befits the celebration, after all. You will get to decide which moves you more, and feel free to spend some time on the illustration to help you with your — clearly scientific — endeavor.

Short version, we’ve got two treats for you, once likely recognizable, the other … well, she will be. For the rest of the information you will actually need to read words, a practice which despite what some of our younger team members believe, some people still enjoy. If nothing else, Halloween exists for us to enjoy — not that we’d sneak out all the peanut butter cups before we ever answered the front door or anything. That would be wrong.

Treats a la Krystal Harper

Interestingly enough, we cannot tell you on October 31st why Krystal has importance around here, and we mere site people would never give away a secret when we have been told not to, of course. We will say that should you, for example, have a bit of time to pop back over here tomorrow — on the first of November — you might then understand a lot more. For now, you may simply learn a bit about Krystal as it pertains to Halloween.

  1. Favorite costume you have ever worn?
    This year I loved creating the set and costume for my bubble bath costume! Raggedy Anne is a close second. … Last year my favorite was Harley Quinn & Cammy the street fighter because I love playing a character and those two I got the most into!
  2. Is there anything you want to dress up as and haven’t?
    Betty Boop, Jessica Rabbit, and a Cheshire Cat! Stay tuned for next year!
  3. Favorite Candy?
    Reese’s sticks are soooo good!!
  4. Do you enjoy being scared?
    Yes! But I enjoying scaring more, I’ve always wanted to work at knots scary farm and wear the sliders that spark.
  5. What is the scariest thing you have done?
    Staying at the Queen Mary has to rank pretty high!
  6. Do you have a Favorite Halloween Movie/show or song?
    Yes! The Nightmare Before Christmas. Because Jack Skellington’s my dream man!

Suffice it to say you will be able to add to your Krystal knowledge (and her Treats) very soon.

Treats a la Violet Brandani

Once you get past the recognition that some costumes simply look better on some people than Penthouse fans may be able to recognize Violet as our Pet of the Month from April of 2020. Violet also played a prominent role in our AEE Virgin Journey coverage from the last industry convention in Las Vegas.

Violet too graced us with her insights related to seasonal treats as well.

  1. Favorite costume?
    Princess Leia with my dog Chewbacca! A close second is Violet from The Incredibles — such a fun play on my name!
  2. Anything you want to dress up as?
    I’ve always wanted to be a classic Hollywood starlet like Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe.
  3. Favorite candy?
    Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups—nothing beats that combo of chocolate and peanut butter!
  4. Do you enjoy being scared?
    I love taking risks and embracing the fear that comes with new situations—it’s all about growth!
  5. Scariest thing you’ve done?
    Traveling solo for the first time—terrifying but exhilarating!
  6. Favorite Halloween movie?
    Practical Magic! It’s not super scary, but I love the vibe and always watch it around Halloween.

Now you may not understand the “why” as of yet, but you’ve probably picked up on the little detail that our dear Violet cannot use “Summers” anymore, and thus because of legal necessity transitioned to Brandani. To put a super short spin on a long and potentially ugly story, at the peak Violet had over 13.5 million followers on Instagram. Then on an unannounced single day in 2020, the entire account just disappeared. With a following that big, people noticed, and honestly the press following that FUBAR situation really pays testament to the character of the woman herself. She says only that her “management company” owned the rights to that Summers name, so she had no control over that account. During the management split, well, basically nobody got anything, and she had to change her professional name.

Violet does enjoy being an inspiration to people out in social media land, though, on that road we can offer a word to the wise to all the aspiring talent out there: Be sure you own your own name in any deal you do.

Now go out and get yourself some treats of your own. Reese’s seem like a popular choice today. Maybe you can tempt a star. You’ll never know unless you try.

Considering our business pretty much puts us in contact with people whining about one thing or another, the fact that Violet has never publicly — or even privately, in our presence — dissed on her former management company. Nor has she devolved into the self-pity that seems like it would have been easy considering the years and years of dedication and effort she put into something that just got yanked away from her by someone who took advantage of her early on. Consequently, you know of Violet’s current Instagram and even Facebook. … If one can believe the story, she has now adopted van life which has completely changed potential plans for our next vacation, y’know, if we can convince her about how fun we’d be — just a buncha treats, really.

Confidentially, Layla Sin

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Layla Sin — Pet Confidential

Layla Sin - A Kiss and a SignThis month we’re getting up close and personal with sultry Layla Sin, our Penthouse Pet centerfold for August 2014. This curvy brunette cutie combines a unique breed of beauty along with the perfect blend of smarts, substance and sex appeal. Famous for her erotic hardcore performances, Layla also serves as face of the Fetish Fantasy Gold collection for adult toy company, Pipe Dreams. When she’s not running her website, she’s running from suitors after her memorable appearance on the VH-1 hit reality series, Dating Naked.

I was familiar with Layla’s toned body and tiny little pussy from checking out her pictorial in Penthouse magazine, so I was excited to shoot her for Pet Confidential. She greeted me at her condo door with a hug and a smile, and I was immediately taken with her grace and style. Read on, I guarantee you will, too.

With apologies for the interruption to Sam, we could not miss the opportunity to illustrate that we recognize Layla Sin out standing in her field.

When I showed up at Layla’s condo to spend the day shooting her, she greeted me with a hug and a smile, and I was immediately taken with her style. I was really looking forward to shooting pictures of our exotically beautiful Penthouse Pet of the Year. I have always found her mysterious, like a little bit of a secret, and I remain impressed by her beauty.

Her condo was sleek, sophisticated and modernly furnished, just like Layla’s style and sass. You may not realize that she is a mainstream actress, and an adult model whom in her pursuit of pleasure, has been able to balance the two worlds.

Learn more secret stuff about Layla below.

  1. I like to eat ketchup with everything.
  2. There was a time I decided to straighten my hair, and I left straightening cream on for too long and some of my hair fell out.
  3. Music is my life. I could live without TV, Internet and phone, but not without music.
  4. I was married for 5 years, but I’m a divorcee now.
  5. Feeding animals and being around them makes me really happy and relaxed. It’s almost like therapy for me.
  6. I can watch movies all day long. I love going to movie theaters by myself, and watching multiple movies in one day.
  7. I could eat cheesecake every day for the rest of my life.
  8. I am Israeli NOT Latina… I do not speak Spanish.
  9. Every time I go to the gym I find an excuse to be on my phone and not work out.
  10. I make the best baby back ribs, and tacos.
  11. My favorite activity is scuba diving. I’ve been to Thailand, Hawaii and the Bahamas. I’m fascinated with the underwater world.
  12. I skydived on my 19th birthday.
  13. I raced in the Baja 500, and crashed in Mexico. Fortunately, nothing bad happened to me.
  14. I’m a dog person. I love dogs, and spending time with them.
  15. I’m addicted to sushi. I absolutely love spicy tuna on rice cake.
  16. I love being naked. I’m always in my birthday suit at home.
  17. My favorite colors are pink, white, gold and black
  18. I have a big collection of stuffed animals at home, and I love to cuddle with them.
  19. I love to go for romantic walks at night.
  20. Most of my childhood years I spent by the beach, so I can never imagine living in a place without the access to the beach, and the ocean.
  21. I love playing craps every time I go to Las Vegas, or any other place that allows gambling.
  22. I lost my virginity at the age of 16.
  23. I got accepted into Medical School in Europe, and decided not to attend.
  24. I eye witnessed a suicide bombing in Israel when I was young.
  25. I have never had sex with more than two guys at the same time.
  26. I have never shared my apartment with a roommate in my life.
  27. My teeth are perfect; I have never had any fillings.
  28. The only water I drink is Kangen alkaline water. I believe it has very special properties that contribute to my health and beauty.
  29. I take bubble baths every other day. I find it very therapeutic and relaxing.

Time moves on, though — at least for the fortunate among us — so Layla has made some changes since her time with Sam, one thing being that ClubLaylaSin no longer exists. Sad, that. … Still, Layla did provide us with a bit of a follow up, demonstrating if nothing else, that life with Layla Sin can be a playground.

Layla: My life has always been exciting. I keep reinventing myself. I discovered my true passion for singing and song writing. Two months ago I won a competition for singing classical music (opera) and I’m going to perform in Carnegie hall in New York. Also, I am writing my own songs and recording my first album these days. My day-to-day work is managing and investing in real estate. I own different properties in California and actively manage them. I keep thinking of different investment and making sure to diversify my assets. I like to keep busy while maintaining a healthy lifestyle and finding time to travel the world as much as I can.

Layla wanted us to provide a ling for her beloved Kangen Water, which obviously we would do, simply because we always do anything Layla asks of us. Also, for the record, a Paramount+ subscription will allow you to stream Dating Naked even now. You can learn about it, or you can drop a couple of bucks to watch Layla Sin being, well, all the things we love about Layla Sin. If nothing else you will understand one of this writer’s long-standing opinion: Dudes on reality shows are weird.

Anora

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Next on Stage: Anora

When Gary Marshall released Pretty Woman, audiences fell for Julia Roberts’ “hooker with a heart of gold.” Vivian Ward was a free spirit, but also a blameless (and drug-free!) victim of circumstance and a refreshingly uncultured delight for Richard Gere’s bland executive. Her story was charming, convenient, and uncomplicated; a fairytale unsullied by the other clients or a reluctance to leave her world behind.

While there’s no shortage of sex workers in modern media, few filmmakers — whether for lack of interest, apathy, or oversight — have made a real effort to “get it right.” Sean Baker, a vocal supporter of the full decriminalization of sex work, is a rare exception. “I became friends with [sex workers] and realized there were a million stories from that world,” he said in a press conference for his new film.

Anora is the latest in a series of Baker films about sex workers, following Red Rocket, Tangerine, and The Florida Project. Anora is the story of Ani (Mikey Madison), a New York exotic dancer and part-time escort, and Ivan (Mark Eidelshtein), the charismatic son of a Russian oligarch. It’s a film that lures audiences in with the all-consuming limerence of young love, only to blindside viewers with its emotional conclusion. In the final flight of its puer aeternus, Anora captures the crushing blow of true heartbreak, the inescapable reality of stigma and class struggle, and the hopelessness of one’s fall back to earth.  

The sex workers depicted in Baker’s films frequently challenge the one-dimensional tropes commonly seen on screen, portraying sex workers as human instead of sterile avatars of vice or virtue. In making Anora, Baker, alongside his wife, producer Samantha Quan, committed to a collaborative effort with members of the sex work community, consulting and casting sex workers in a process Quan described as crucial to the film’s evolution.

Los Angeles, CA

Lindsey Normington worked her first club shift nearly eight years ago as a college student in Grand Rapids, MI. Normington had long dreamt of moving to Los Angeles to become an actress. It was a dream that felt nearly impossible until a conversation with a friend revealed their shared ambitions.

“It became a conversation of, ‘How will we support ourselves?’” says Normington. “[We] floated the idea that we could be strippers. At first it was kind of like a joke — and then it wasn’t.”

Normington worked at a local strip club as she finished her degree, saving up tips and payouts for a move to California. She continued dancing after moving, this time at North Hollywood’s “Star Garden” — a club that brought her and her fellow dancers into the spotlight as they walked the picket lines of the stripper strike.

After a hard-fought battle with club management, the Star Garden dancers won their unionization effort, making Star Garden the nation’s second-ever union strip club. Normington now performs and co-produces The Stripper Co-Op — a dancer-owned pop-up that produces events Normington describes as “mutual aid,” in which dancers pool their tips and donate a portion of their nightly earnings to charity.

In Anora, Normington plays Diamond, a chaotic New York dancer who doesn’t shy away from conflict with the protagonist, Ani. The character shares little of Normington’s desire for stripper unity. “I’ve known girls who’ve been like family to me, [but] you get a group of highly opinionated, highly talented, beautiful, amazing women in a room, and people don’t always like each other,” says Normington. “Strippers don’t have to be nice or likable […] to show [our] humanity. They don’t have to be sweethearts, and that’s something that I like about Sean’s work”.

New York, NY

Sophia Carnabuci, an experienced exotic dancer and aspiring screenwriter, was originally asked to consult for the film before joining the film’s cast as “Jenny.” It’s a role Quan urged her to audition for despite a lack of previous acting experience. For Baker, casting performers with limited on-camera experience isn’t much of a departure — it’s a frequent signature of his work.

Carnabuci credits her performance to Baker’s directing talent and inspiration drawn from co-workers — among them, fellow dancer Luna Sophia Miranda, with whom Carnabuci shares a home club. On nights Miranda’s not at the club, she produces independent films and sex-worker led events, like burlesque cabarets.

Miranda met Baker and Quan on the floor of the club, “I approached them to try and sell them drinks and dances, and they told me they were filmmakers. They told me what films they’d made, and I was like, ‘What are the chances of that happening in a strip club?’”

Miranda, a film buff, was already well acquainted with the pair’s work. When Baker and Quan asked if Miranda would be interested in talking more about a new project they were producing, Miranda was elated.

“I mean, we get all the nuances … It’s important to depict [sex workers] that are three-dimensional. It’s really important, that if you’re hiring consultants or casting actors, that you also cast sex workers. […] A lot of us don’t have those opportunities. Sex work is something we’re doing for money — and sometimes survival, but it’s also a way to, you know, be a star in a world where you are not a star.”

Miranda learned she’d been cast as “Lulu” on her birthday. Filming took place at the Rosewood Theater, a Manhattan gentlemen’s club. The club remained open during the film’s scheduled shoot, a schedule that required early call times for the film’s cast — an even greater challenge for dancers accustomed to late shifts.

“It was pretty wild for us. I usually get home from work at like, four in the morning, but I was waking up at four in the morning for set!” says Carnabuci.

Carnabuci describes using downtime between takes to get to know her fellow dancers, while Miranda frequently brought her Polaroid camera to set. The cast shared stories about their work, about their clubs, and about their lives outside the club.

“It was lovely, just kind of getting to know each other. Now we have even more people outside of our immediate ‘club sphere’ to rely on and fall back on” says Carnabuci. “You know, to see what’s happening in Manhattan, see what’s happening in Brooklyn.”

Anora Takes Cannes

Miranda, Carnabuci, and Normington reunited in France this May for the film’s Cannes Film Festival premiere. “It was the first time — the only time I’d seen the film, and my face was on this big, enormous screen and I’m sitting with all these strangers,” says Miranda, recalling her anxiety during the film’s Cannes screening.

The audience awarded Anora a 7.5 minute standing ovation. The movie went on to claim 2024’s Palme d’Or — the famed film festival’s top prize — despite competition from legendary directors David Cronenburg and Francis Ford Coppola.

Accepting the award from famed filmmaker George Lucas, Baker dedicated the award to sex workers “of the past, present, and future,” and expressed a wish that films like Anora might help end stigma against sex work and make the world a safer place for sex workers.

Following the Cannes win, Anora faced its final challenge and most discerning audience: sex workers. In an industry-only screening, LA sex workers saw the film ahead of civilian audiences. It went well: the film’s reception was captured in a now-viral moment when the audience erupted into an applause of clacking platform heels.

I had a chance to attend a sold-out screening of Anora in Chicago with two members of SWOP Chicago’s steering committee. Though the aisles of the Music Box Theater proved too narrow for stilettoed applause, on the mainstage of our hearts, our heels clacked with a thunder loud enough to turn every head in the room. 

As the film heads to theaters nationwide, Miranda shares hopes that Anora will inspire more sex workers to engage with storytelling. It’s an effort she hopes to encourage through the sex worker-led film festival she’s producing in 2025.

“I’ve [had] so many people reach out, sex workers who have films, or even folks that haven’t made a film before, but really want to — and I’m like, do it! I’m not a gatekeeper, everyone’s invited to the party.”

“I think sex workers are more than capable of telling our own stories,” says Carnabuci. “I think society as a whole is really ready to hear this.”

Anora

The Movie opens in select theaters October 18th, 2024. You can visit with Sophia, Lindsey, and Director Sean most any time, what with them being on Instagram and all. Technically, you can learn more about Anora on Instagram too, actually. Anora star Miranda has even made her own film which you can watch for free, y’know just to get a sense of her character depth. Bottom line, as it were, we suggest you take advantage of all of these opportunities, including seeing the movie in an actual theater (which still beats home streaming by a mile, even if you have a big ol’ tv). You see, Renee liked it a lot, and Renee happens to be very smart. So we listen to her.

Military Machinations

Posted on by Team Penthouse

The Modern Military: Why We Join

So, umm. Why’d you join the military?

It’s a question at the heart of military-civilian relations in contemporary America. It’s a question that can be asked all kinds of ways, in all sorts of tones, sometimes with hidden meanings, sometimes with nothing but clean, naked curiosity. And it’s a question damn near every servicemember and vet gets asked, by friends and strangers alike. I know I’ve been.

So. Umm. Why’d you join? Question mark.

Each year, somewhere in the ’hood of 180,000 people join the armed forces, either as officers or as enlisted personnel. A Pew survey from a couple years back asked post-9/11 servicemembers and veterans to name the reasons they’d originally joined up. Patriotism/serving the country was listed by an overwhelming number — almost 90 percent. Then came education opportunities like the GI Bill (77 percent), travel/the classic “see the world” hook (60 percent), and gaining skills for a post-military career (57 percent).

What I like about the survey is it allowed respondents to name multiple reasons. Out in the world, when posed that question by those aforementioned friends and strangers, it seems like only one answer can suffice, that only one answer should suffice. A pithy declaration, hopefully. After all, deciding to serve in the military is a big fucking deal, especially during a time of perpetual war. Shouldn’t someone who decided “I’ll go, send me” have one touchstone reason to satisfy the inquiring minds?

Maybe. And maybe not. Life is immense and complex, especially for young people trying to find their way. Why did your dental hygienist become a dental hygienist? How did your Uber driver end up behind the wheel? People, a lot of people, end up in the military for reasons they’re still sorting through by the time their first drill sergeant at basic greets them off the bus with a toothy sneer. But explaining all that to folks without a military background can be … messy, sometimes.

A lot of vets — myself included — have ready-made stories as a result. The stories can change depending on the environment, little verbal chameleons meant to adapt to the moment. At a dinner with my parents’ friends? I talk about my family’s history with and in military service. At a bar with my wife’s coworkers? Had to pay for college, ya dig. At a New York book party with too-precious naval-gazing assholes I feel like riling up because I’m bored and feeling the whiskey? Talk about the sweet, tender thrill of putting rounds downrange and blowing shit up. 

Nothing like the watery look of horror that gets, goddamn. It’s beautiful.

People who join the military put some thought into it before doing it (usually), even if those urban legends about waking up drunk and penniless at a recruiters’ station persist.

Anyhow, all those things are true, and work in confluence with one another. They also can contradict one another — multiple reasons and explanations can do that. Yeah, people who join the military put some thought into it before doing it (usually), even if those urban legends about waking up drunk and penniless at a recruiters’ station persist. Like the late, great Walt Whitman wrote, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”

I wanted to hear more about those multitudes from fellow vets, some still in the service, some recently (or recently-ish) out. So I asked them that notorious question, “Why’d you join the military?” Here are some of my favorite responses, cut down for space and edited for clarity.

KYLE | Military: ARMY SPECIALIST

“What is it that people say? I wasn’t ‘college material,’ I guess. My own high school counselor told me that. Where I’m from [rural Missouri], the military is a way to do something different. I was eighteen. I love my country and also wanted to be able to buy a car, help my grandmom with bills. I think I decided to join the Army way earlier than I did join, to be honest.
“I’m in college now [on the GI Bill], which is funny. My 18-year-old self would laugh. But that’s what kills me when I hear other students here talking down about the military. I saw some bad shit, but it was worth it. My family has opportunities now, and I’m proud of that.”

JACKIE | Military: FIELD-GRADE NAVAL OFFICER

“Where I come from, people only join the military if they’ve made a poor life choice — jail, serious debt, that sort of thing. That’s the perception, at least. So when my parents tell people what I’m doing and what I’ve done, they’ve learned to emphasize I’ve chosen this life because I want it. Because I’m excellent at it.”

“T” | Military: MARINE CORPS VETERAN

“I love the Corps. It’s blood after those years, bro. I want that whole funeral shit when I die — I fucking earned it. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder how life might’ve been different.

“I went to war five times–my whole twenties in those places. For what, my ex liked to ask when she wanted to fight … a good question. Didn’t want to hear it, but a good question.

“I don’t think I’d like who I’d be had I not joined the military, become a Marine. But I think life might be … not better, that’s not what I’m saying, but definitely easier. Maybe happier, if that matters at all.”

HUNTER | Military: AIR FORCE STAFF SERGEANT

“We live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I really believe that, and we’d be better off if more people remembered it. Serving, representing this flag and what it stands for every day, it’s a dream come true. I’ve wanted to do this since I was a kid.

“Now, was it important to find a good job in the service, one with technical skills that’ll transfer over to the civilian world after I retire? Of course. I also wanted to do something [in the Air Force] that I was good at, so I’m maximizing my time here. Like my uncle told me in high school, ‘They’re the military. They’re gonna get theirs from you. Might as well get something back in return.’”

TOM | Military: ARMY CAPTAIN

“Duty. Honor. Country. That’s why I joined the military. Just like the commercials say. But truthfully … I hated it most days I was in uniform. All the bureaucracy, all the middle management, all the weird taskings and orders that had nothing to do with getting soldiers ready for combat. But I miss those days, more and more, with each passing year. Getting old’s part of it. And part of it is realizing I’ll never be a part of something like it again. A unified entity. Real life’s not like that. I wish it were.”

Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood. You can find much of Matt’s work in these digital pages, as a matter of fact, because we happen to think a lot of Matt’s work — and his sacrifice.

Pop Shots Ilan Hall

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Ilan Hall Pop Shots TitleThe Penthouse World According to Ilan Hall

Top Chef season-two winner Ilan Hall made his culinary mark by fusing contrasting food cultures that are close to his heart. His restaurants in Brooklyn and L.A., the Gorbals, pay homage to his Scottish father and Israeli mother by offering such off-kilter comfort fare as bacon-wrapped matzoh balls.

His show Knife Fight turns the competition-based reality format on its braised-pig ear, giving contestants few rules and offering no prize other than bragging rights. In his interpretation of Pop Shots, Hall creates an erotic landscape with model Masuimi Max that pays tribute to his wife and partner. We should all be so lucky.

Have you ever done anything like this before?

Never in my life.

Was there any hesitation? Was this the type of opportunity that you had to talk yourself into?

No. I’m pretty open. I’m not afraid of nudity. I’ve viewed my fair share of naked photos, so it actually was … I was a little nervous leading up to it — not nervous, I just didn’t know what to expect, and it was lovely. All the people, the whole crew was great. Masuimi was great. I had a good time.

How was it, being Ilan Hall and being on-set for a Penthouse photo shoot?

Going at it from a seven-year-old’s perspective, which is when I really first started to care about boobies, there is that little kid inside of you who’s like, Oh, my God. I’m actually going to be directing a woman who is going to be naked? There was a little bit of that. But once you’re on-set, everybody’s so professional that those thoughts just completely dissolve. Not in a bad way. Just in the sense that this is a job. I took it as a job, everyone else who was working there took it as a job, and Masuimi took it as a job. Everybody was so professional and so organized that it was a different experience from what many would think. Directing a woman in various scenes and poses minus her clothes is not a sexually charged experience.

What was the inspiration or story behind you selecting Masuimi as your model?

I wanted to emulate elements of my wife. I wanted to bring in elements of why I think she’s beautiful and how much I love her. To have her be a part of this.

And Masuimi is a precise representation of your wife?

No, not at all. My wife can’t be replicated. But there were elements of inspiration within Masuimi that I love and wanted to express visually.

What were these elements of inspiration?

My wife is half Asian. Masuimi is half Asian. My wife has big, full, beautiful lips, as does Masuimi. And then I just wanted to express more of my wife’s fun and playful side.

Tattoos?

Well, my wife has a lot of tattoos. It’s a part of her that I think is beautiful.

So does your wife also have really big boobs, or was that just a happy accident?

[Laughs] I have no — what’s the word? I have no prejudice against any type of breasts. My wife has beautiful breasts. Masuimi’s are significantly larger. They’re surprisingly large for how small she is.

What do you find to be the hottest thing about your wife? What were you really trying to share?

My wife’s personality is what I love the most, and I wanted a representation of when we first met — how fun she is and how silly she can be. I fell in love with her over a joke, and I feel like that’s important. Humor in a relationship keeps it sane. I wanted the shoot to reflect the personality of who I fell in love with and why I fell in love with her.

Masuimi really seemed to open up when you told her to get a little loose.

Totally. Because Masuimi is a goofball, in a good way. My life is injected with humor, and I feel like you can’t take yourself too seriously — especially on a shoot with a woman who is naked most of the time. It’s fun, and it’s funny, and I think that is important to express.

How did the setting play into the story Ilan Hall wanted to tell?

I wanted to be in a beautiful house with a beautiful view (even though we didn’t actually use any of the view). But I wanted it to be a really pretty backdrop to a really fun event. I have a certain style and aesthetic for how I like a home. The same is true for my wife. I love mid-century architecture, and the house was just that. It had a lot of outdoor space, and it had a pool, and a beautiful view, and it had a fire pit. These are all visual elements that I love.

You were pretty particular about wardrobe as well.

Yeah. I wanted it to be sort of loose bedroom stuff, like a tank top and underwear. Not too overtly sexy, but sexy because it’s on her.

I like how you tapped into the fantasy about the strong, powerful woman who reveals her softer, sexier side behind closed doors.

[Silence]

Or maybe that’s just a fantasy I have and I’m projecting it onto you and your shoot.

My wife is incredibly successful on her own. I met her when she was already completely self-made. And it’s not even really a fantasy for me. [For] my entire life, I have had very strong women as role models, and I feel comfortable when I’m with a woman who has her own opinions. Who does not need me financially. Who is my partner rather than my property.

Is there a picture, or a scene, or a moment from the shoot that stands out to you?

I think my favorite setup was in the bedroom, because it felt like it was the most natural. It felt like the least sort of done-up in terms of.… My wife goes to work early in the morning. My son comes into our room early in the morning. So I feel like being in a bedroom — not even in a sexual way — is like being in my comfort zone in my house. So this was kind of an extension of that.

Man, I would have sworn your favorite setup was when Tammy was taking your picture in front of the fire pit. It felt like we woke up a sleeping bear.

That was my favorite scene because I do like getting sexy in front of the camera, you know.

Do you have a favorite body part?

Yes. I love my calves.

Do you have a favorite body part on a woman?

Yes. I like legs. They are very important. Masuimi has beautiful legs.

Anything jump out at you on-set as being surprisingly hot or erotic?

Yeah. Not that it was startling to me, but the best parts of the shoot were the photos that were loose and fun, when it was not too serious. Being naked and being at home should be a celebration. It should be fun. I think the fire-pit stuff was fun because when we were all laughing, the best things came out. I like the weird, silly pictures of Masuimi just smiling. I like the office ones. They’re nice and they’re beautiful shots, but they are not that fun.

Did you hold anything back?

No, I was just sort of rolling with it to see where it took us. It was a new experience for me, and I didn’t really know how it was going to go, so I just let it become what it was going to be.

In hindsight, do you wish you had done anything differently?

No. I live my life with no regrets.

That’s a pretty bold statement.

It’s true though. Listen, I try to do my best as a person, as a businessman, as a husband. I put a lot of effort into elements of my life and I learn from everything. I make mistakes, but I can’t be mad at the fact that I’ve made mistakes because I’m a human being. So, with that, I try to live my life with no regrets. I mean, I don’t like offending people. I don’t feel good about it if I say something offensive. I don’t say, “Fuck it. It happened.” But to a certain degree, you can’t kill yourself over the past. So there.

Did the shoot and the pictures meet your expectations?

I go into situations that are new to me with no expectations. And this was fun. It was great.

Sure, but seeing the photos —

It was a successful photo shoot, Raphie.

Are you giving me attitude?

[Laughs] You’re such a shitty interviewer.

I’m putting that in your article.

[Laughs] Put in whatever you want!

But seriously, Ilan, you know I’m just —

Don’t you dare apologize to me, Raphie Aronowitz.

Naturally Ilan Hall has an Instagram, because we eat with our eyes first and all that. If you’d like to involve some other senses besides vision, and you happen to be near enough to Las Angeles, we’d highly recommend you add Ramen Hood to your tour. You’ll be amazed at how vegan food can taste like … well, not what you’d guess. Like beautiful women, actually, flavor can transcend expectation.

Ilan Hall and Masuimi Max

Penthouse Pop Shots Logo

World Peace

Posted on by Team Penthouse

A Piece on World Peace

“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

In 1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono formed the Plastic Ono Band, and one of their first orders of business was to release a nonsensical, schmaltz-spewing “protest” song. The word “protest” is in quotes because “Give Peace A Chance” was released during the period where John and Yoko were conducting “bed-ins.” That’s when two people book a room at a five-star hotel, stay in bed for two weeks straight, and then claim that it’s a means to end war. And you thought people that only demonstrated on Twitter were lazy.

The song consists of three chords, some half-assed lyrics, and the repeating of the title ad nauseam. The whole thing is a real lazy affair. Then again, it was written by a guy who didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But despite all of its shortcomings, what bothers me most about the tune is its sentiment: Give peace a chance. Well … I believe we have. Several chances, in fact, before and after that ass song poisoned the airwaves. And it’s quite apparent that peace has never been able to deliver. It’s not peace’s fault. Global discord is due to one simple truth: If somebody wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent.

Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles. Look at serial killers. What do they all have in common? Success! They’re all really good at what they do. Because if someone wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent. I’m glad we manage to arrest at least some of the maniacs that commit heinous acts. It’s nice to think that once in a while a brutal, tyrannical asshole is brought to justice. However, thinking some be-all, end-all series of laws and agreements stand a chance against injustice is insane.

Worldwide peace has to start on the small scale. And if you haven’t recently checked, the small scale is a shit show. Let’s start with the basic building blocks of harmony: people. You need harmonious people to have a harmonious society. Now, with that in mind, go watch some “Black Friday” shopping videos on YouTube. You think a guy willing to head-butt a soccer mom for a PlayStation has any ability to grasp the complex concept of civility? Do people really think it’s just dismissible evidence that the last two decades have included extreme public fandom over WorldStarHipHop videos, mixed martial arts events, Affliction T-shirts, and Bumfights? Yet folks still have the nerve to act surprised when a member of Congress body-slams a reporter.

Make no mistake, I’m not holier than thou. I’ve watched “dude gets knocked-the-fuck-out” videos and laughed my balls off. When I was in Edinburgh, Scotland, I stayed up until 7 A.M. drinking, doing poppers, and screaming myself hoarse to UFC pay-per-view. I love gangster movies. I love gangster rap even more. All that said, I don’t own a gun, I don’t enjoy conflict, I’m terrified of physical altercation, and I’d really love to live in a utopia where no man or woman so much as stubs a toe. But basic logic allows me to realize that just isn’t possible.

Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles.

By the way, peaceful utopias can be extremely problematic. If you don’t believe me, just watch the movie Demolition Man. In that film, everybody’s enjoying a conflict-free reality until a super-criminal played by Wesley Snipes gets thawed out of his cryogenic freeze. He starts going bat-shit — robbing, harming, killing — and everybody, including the cops, are so out of touch with violence that they have zero ability to stop him. Makes you wonder why they froze the psycho in the first place. Why didn’t they just kill him? Because they were trying not to be violent. Go figure.

Regardless, as human beings we need to be aware of what human beings are capable of. The fact that some of us only mildly indulge our baser instincts via the internet doesn’t mean the next guy will do the same. We can dream about the world we ought to be living in, but too many dreamers do it at the expense of understanding the world we’re actually living in.

The fine citizens of Demolition Man-land didn’t answer one question truthfully: How do we stop violence? With violence! You have to attack the attacker! Lying in bed, eating room service, only helps the ax-wielding maniac in his quest to kick the door in to kill you. The only defense is to harm and/or kill him back. Now he’s got you doing the exact thing you were trying to prevent. I know. This is a snake eating its tail. Point is, we need a little bit of violence. Problem is, you can’t just have a little bit. Violence is like freedom — you have to take the good with the bad. Unless we all agree to be shackled to dentist chairs with our brains plugged into fake-reality-spawning supercomputers, we have to accept that freedom allows for violence and violence is one of the reminders that we’re free.

Yeah … I’m getting a peace headache, too, so I’ll wrap this up. Violence, to a massive extent, has been happening since the beginning of time. From the cavemen clubbing one another on. But we don’t have to go back that far into history to realize the astounding amount of conflict that’s constantly occurred. You know how many wars the United States has been involved in since the year 1700? Eighty. That’s a lot. That’s a war for every year my Nana had under her belt when we had to take her car keys away. And that’s just us. God knows the level of large-scale combat that’s happened across the other 195 countries in the last 300 years. I’m sure it’s impressively depressing. Also, don’t forget to take into account all that extra, plain-old, everyday, run-of-the-mill violence: assault, rape, murder, genocide, and people biting pieces off of other people. Yet despite all this, members of every generation that comes along think they’re going to be the ones to finally stop human brutality. The arrogance of these fucking philistines.

Take away the bombs. Take away the guns. Take away the knives. None of that matters. Sick freaks will figure out a way to use anything as an instrument of death. To keep peace, remember this: If we keep making trucks and we keep making people, some of the people are going to drive the trucks into the other people. It sucks, I know, but it sucking doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Violence is like the sun. It’s harmful and it’s not going anywhere. Stop trying to block it. If you don’t wanna die, stay inside. Maybe somebody should write a song about that.

Joe DeRosa is an L.A.-based comedian, writer, director, and actor (Better Call Saul, Louie). You can find his stand-up online, along with his signature podcast, as well as “We’ll See You in Hell” and “Emotional Hangs.” Follow him on Twitter. … We’re not convinced his go out and kick some ass philosophy has much practical value, we do rather enjoy his routines. That said, maybe becoming independently wealthy would help test a different more pacifist Peace Theory. Money buys a lot of insulation, right? So we’re going to talk to the boss about that. You should too. It’ll be fine. You’ll probably be super rich next week.