Coquettish camgirl Miss Marylin captivates her online audience with her mesmerizing gaze, luminous smile and fantastic figure. The sexy performer’s sparkling personality is on full display whenever she strikes a pose or engages with her fans—and her admirers praise her irresistibly sexy nature.
It may be hard to believe, but marvelous Marylin considers herself a shy girl. However, the ravishing Russian doesn’t deny her curiosity for passion, love and sensuality—and fortunately for us, the camera is there to capture every stunning side of her.
The beguiling brunette tells Penthouse she feels like it’s her “calling” to work with professionals in the adult industry, and if her photos are any indication, we’d say she’s a natural!
We cannot be responsible for the editorial — let’s go with flair — utilized in the magazine proper, but we can take advantage of having no space limitations by making things a lot more fun out here on the web.
We can get the basics out of the way:
Height: 5’3″ Measurements: 34C-24-34 Native Country: Russia
Now the magazine did deign to allow everyone limited insight into Miss Marylin, so we can share those.
What are your pet peeves?
I dislike indifference, cruelty, envy and hypocrisy.
What are your biggest turn-ons?
I like a man who is confident in bed, and I also enjoy the scent of expensive perfume on skin.
What’s your favorite sex position?
That would have to be 69. You could say I have excellent taste!
What was your most remarkable sexual experience?
Definitely a threesome with two men. It was double the pleasure for me!
What’s your personal fetish?
I get off on being watched while I’m having sex.
Now of course, Miss Marylin gets to teach us even more. (Digital rocks.)
Educational Background?
I graduated from college and am now attending university in a financial specialty.
Goals or Aspirations?
For now I’m interested in working with professionals in the adult industry exploring something new. I know how to work hard at something, and I feel this my calling.
What is your favorite fantasy?
Boss and Secretary.
How does Miss Marylin fill her spare time?
Reading books, drawing, watching movies, going to the gym, and swimming.
When are you the happiest?
I’m happy when I get enough sleep.
What gets you in trouble?
Malicious and irrational people.
Nobody needs to explain the multitude of problems currently facing Russia, but it brings a little hope to know that some things may help it return to a reputation of beauty. Miss Marylin may turn out to be one of its more precious natural resources. … Until then, you might look up Miss Marylin at Flirt4Free and talk to her for yourself. Odds seem strong that you’ll find her fascinating too.
Height: 5’0″ Measurements: 36C-26-36 Hometown: Modena, Italy Fun Fact: Wants to open her own medical clinic.
Quick Facts
Languages spoken: Italian, English and French Hidden skill: “I’m really good at math.” What she wears to bed: “I usually sleep naked.” Favorite types of music: Classical and hip-hop Most daring thing she’s done: “Driven a racing car.” Preferred sports: Tennis, swimming and skiing Favorite way to relax: “A long walk in a breathtaking place.” Celebrity crush: “Tom Cruise. … I love that he does his own stunts.”
According to the Eleonora Bertoli Editors
Elegant Eleonora Bertoli is a sensation both online and off. This issue’s stunning Social Premier has attracted over one million followers and counting with her intriguing posts and pulse-quickening pics. The Italian-born beauty tells Penthouse she adores her job as a model because it gives her the freedom to travel the globe and make her own schedule. But the glamorous gal also loves her peaceful hometown of Modena, where she enjoys “long horseback rides in the countryside and the smell of freshly cut hay in summer.”
As much as the ambitious influencer delights in her current occupation, she’d like to pursue a career in medicine and one day open her own private clinic.
When it comes to the perfect partner, Eleonora prefers someone who is charming and caring—and whose drive to succeed matches her own. She’s fond of romantic dinners on the beach and dreams of endless massages. But she admits her adventurous spirit and hunger for excitement can get her in trouble—of the best kind.
According to Eleonora Bertoli Herself
What are some jobs you have held in the past?
I have always worked as a model.
What’s your favorite food?
My grandma’s lasagna.
What is the most exciting place you’ve ever had sex?
On the top of a mountain.
When are you the happiest?
With my dog.
If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be?
Endless massages.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Being a Graduate in medicine and having opened my private clinic
What gets you in trouble?
Adventure and Excitement.
Obviously one becomes a “Social Premier” for Penthouse by contacting us in hopes of expanding their social influence. As we mentioned at the top, we do no always have this section in every magazine, but we are happy to help when we can. You can find Eleonora Bertoli on Twitter, Instagram, and possibly Tik-Tok again some day. (Well, maybe. … Who knows? Probably. … But maybe not.… The Chinese baffle us.) At least now we can contact Eleonora ourselves to find Italian and French translations for, “YIPEE!”
We’re here with Renee Olstead at AEE, and it’s your very first AEE so let’s start there. How has that experience been?
Renee: It’s been really incredible so far. I feel like there’s so much to see. I’ve had a chance to get out on the expo floor to see a lot of interesting things, see people that I know, kind of learn more about what’s changing in the industry and meet some incredible people.
I’ve been interviewing people as well. I’ve had a chance to sit down with a few of my fellow Pets, which has been great. Penthouse is very much a family, and I’m getting a chance to really get to know some of these amazing women.
Who have you gotten to hang out with so far?
Renee: My first interview was with Leya Tanit from Pineapple Support, which is an organization that’s close to my heart. They help subsidize mental health care and provide free care for people who are within the industry that need support.
Interviewing Pets has been awesome. So far, I started with a series on sex work that you know has been on Penthouse.com. I’ve also had a chance to write an in-print feature, but in my exploration of sex work, I’m talking to performers and talking to the Pets that I’ve had a chance to sit down with already.
It’s just really interesting to clarify what exactly it is that performers need and what they face in the industry. A lot of assumptions are made about people that choose to be an adult entertainer or choose to do nude modeling. People just make a lot of assumptions in general about everyone, but Pineapple has a focus particular to the industry, making sure that people have support when they need it – when they’re dealing with doxing or dealing with unnecessary stigma that sometimes comes along with our work.
It’s a really important cause. I’m glad I got to sit down with Leya here about some of the things that they have in mind for the future. I’m meeting with Pet of the Year Kenna James and Pet of the Year Lacy Lennon later today.
We love to hear it. Let’s dive more about your schooling and what you’re doing with it, because you mentioned Pineapple Support, and I don’t think we went over that too much in your Pet of the Month interview.
Renee Olstead: I did get my Master’s in Clinical Psychology. I’ve had an amazing last few years. Working with Penthouse has been a big part of that, but also just in deciding to exit the entertainment industry in the roles that I did, which was sort of more television-oriented work. I played a teenager for a very, very long time, I think I played a 15 year-old for about ten years.
It has been nice to explore more and more of myself and to just learn about this entire industry. I find it fascinating, and I’ve been such a fan for a long time. I’ve been collecting what I call my “vintage smut” for over a decade. So finally getting a chance to move from a fan and admirer to Cover Girl was a pretty big deal for me.
How much has your collection grown since you joined the industry? Do you think it’s exploded since then or has the growth just been steady?
Renee: I get a lot of crazy ideas, and one crazy idea I had recently was that I wanted to learn about home renovation. So, I got a I got a fixer house, and I decided I wanted to turn it into my vintage smut palace.
I would say that there was an explosion. However, I would say it was explosion with a purpose. I wasn’t just buying things because I was on a crazy tear, but decorating that spot and having a wall full of vintage covers, it’s been fun. But I probably shouldn’t be allowed on eBay anymore.
I think it would be pretty irresponsible at this point.
Sometimes you need a little break.
Renee: My wallet would prefer it. I could spend everything on Etsy and eBay.
Do you just buy artwork and covers, or do you try and look for old merchandise? I think Penthouse has some old puzzles hidden in the abyss somewhere that we get people asking about sometimes.
Renee: [gasps] Oh, I thought were going to say you had access to one. If it went missing, you would know who to suspect. I should be more subtle. No, I have a lot of vintage Penthouse stuff. I have some vintage Penthouse clothing items as well.
It’s not just the girls, it’s also the merch and the idea of the brand. It just adds that extra sexiness. A lot of times too if I get vintage magazines and I really, really love a shot – uh-oh this sounds terrible to say – but sometimes I will take an X-Acto knife and take her out and frame her.
I have a lot of those in my house. And currently, I also have them going around the crown molding of my dining room – all naked lady. So yeah, I find I’m always finding new places to put cute naked ladies.
[laughs] Let’s talk about your hair.
Renee: My hair!
For your Pet of the Month shoot you had black hair.
Renee: I did. I was having a bad girl moment.
Ooh, okay…
Renee: Not say that I’ve gotten any more conservative. [laughs]
But you’re still a fiery redhead now.
Renee: Now I’m a naughty girl. I was a bad girl then. Now, I’m a naughty girl. It’s just that I do enjoy playing around with my hair. And I think a lot of that was from being on TV for so long. When you’re on a television show, you are not allowed to change your hair without permission from the showrunners.
And because of that, I had the same haircut and color for so long and I couldn’t change it. I think, now that I’ve left that side of the industry, I’ve been going a little wild in more ways than one.
For the people that may not know, what was the show?
Renee: I was on a few shows. My first show was on UPN, and that was a very short run that would only make it six episodes. As for my longest running shows, I was on one that went for four years called “Still Standing,” which was the CBS sitcom. And then I was on another show called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” for another five.
In between when I was filming, I was also on Warner Brothers. I was singing at that time too.
So, you already had an album?
Renee: I did, and I would tour on hiatus. I have always stayed pretty busy. I was under Warner Brothers, and I signed under David Foster and put two albums out and toured the world here and there while on hiatus. You do get a little window to get out and tour an album.
I’m going to look on YouTube and find that 40’s film noir song that you did. That’s awesome.
Renee: Coincidentally, we were talking about that last night. … Something else that’s interesting about some of my music is that when I shot music videos, like the one I did for “Sleepwalk,” I storyboarded the whole concept. I went on eBay and bought the duvets and all of the things that were in the room. I dressed the hotel room myself.
I’d put it on the site. You’d probably be embarrassed, but I absolutely would.
Renee: Please, you have my consent. And it is on record. But yeah, I really enjoy that creative aspect. I also edited that music video which in retrospect, looking at where I am now, kind of makes a lot of sense. I do a great deal of content creation now, and I take it really seriously.
When I’m shooting a video or releasing photos that I’ve shot myself, I want the people that get them to love it. I want every shot to be great. I don’t want there to be a ton of dead space. I want to create the fantasy that it feels like … God, it really seems to have such a handle on me, doesn’t it?
Even with all of my collections, it just feels like you’re entering another world.
It’s rare for a person to be able to art direct themselves. Because when we look at ourselves, we’re backwards. We’re in a mirror. We don’t know what we look like. Everyone else knows what we look like. So, to be able to take that, you know and art direct…
Renee: Thank you. Thank you.
Speaking of art direction, you have redone some of your favorite Penthouse covers.
Renee: Yes! And I still have one more that I need to edit, but I’ve been busy. That one specifically was a dominatrix on the cover. And then there were two maids. I shot myself as the maid – or technically I had a photographer – but I wanted to shoot as the maid and as the Dom, then put it all together with Photoshop to recreate that cover. That one hasn’t come out yet, but I have had a chance to recreate a couple of my favorite covers. Seeing as I am such a fan, it can be great when you get a chance to step into that fantasy world. I am super detail oriented. Granted, sometimes I go a little nuts on making sure the hair is perfect, but as long as I nail a couple of the reference shots, then I can kind of expand from that and shoot a bit more to include.
It’s like a set, honestly. It has been really fun. I still pinch myself. Penthouse is a brand that was … just such a high goal, something just so iconic. It’s crazy to wake up and know that I’m part of that legacy now.
You’re not only part of the Pet legacy, you’re also part of the contributor legacy. You are now in print with Penthouse in more ways than one. [laughs]
Renee: It’s truly a dream come true. I mean, it sounds like I’m, I’m pandering to your affections right now but…
[laughs] It’s ok. We’ll take it.
Renee: Okay. My experience with Penthouse has been absolutely incredible. When I did my test meeting – I don’t know if this happens often – but I might be one of the only Pets to come with a full storyboarded concept for what my dream shoot would look like. I had a Pinterest board. I had a vision board as well, that I pitched. The team was nice enough to really help me bring that to fruition and make that a reality.
From that moment, I just feel like my experience with Penthouse has been one where make such a point of really bringing who the model is into the shoot. They even do this while also allowing me to contribute to the site and talk about the things that are important to me – specifically in my sex work series where I talk about, you know, “Hey, what it what it really is like to be an adult creator?” and “Here are the things that we deal with here,” the things that we’re dealing with that may not be as common as someone might guess if they’re not in the industry.
There’s so much to appreciate, and I’ve been very well cared for. I feel like I’m really part of something, part of a family. And I don’t mean that in a trite, cheesy way, but it’s been incredible. I’ve worked for a few different adult outlets, and it’s something that I have found very unique to Penthouse.
Wow, thank you so much for saying that! So, what’s in the future for you? When is the book coming out?
Renee: Writing would be something that I want to continue to develop. I’ve been finding my voice, I think, and exploring the topics I feel really connected to. How that turns into a book we shall see.
I also have the option of making an album. That’s in the mix too. … Being a movie star. …
I’m going to keep shooting. What else am I doing? … I guess the big thing that I will reveal is I’m hoping to start my Ph.D. applications this year. So that’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a while.
We’ll see. We’ll see where I get in. But school is expensive, so I doubt I will be putting my clothes on any time soon.
… Got to pay for it somehow.
Renee: I know. Those books ain’t cheap.
Better than loans. What’s a Ph.D. cost?
Renee: I think it’s in the six figures annually for sure. … I need to do a little bit more research. At this point. I’ve requested information packets from a few different places. Specifically, if I go the sexuality route, there’s only a couple of schools that offer that program. Otherwise, I could go social work or psychology.
I know I don’t want to do Psy.D. I definitely want to do Ph.D., but these are all things that are kind of up in the air right now, so we’ll see what makes the most sense.
Initials after your name are fun.
Renee: Yeah, well I like reading. I like learning. Specifically, if it’s related to a topic that I really connect with, I am a voracious reader. I think my record was … There was one quarter during my Master’s, I think I read 15 books on top of the reading that I had to do normally for school.
If you look at my childhood photos, I have a book in my hand every photo, or most of them. … Although my interest in sexuality came later. At that point I wanted to be either a paleontologist or a surgeon. I had a thing for bones. Bones were my thing.
What was your favorite book as a kid?
Renee: My favorite book as a kid… in Kindergarten, I was really into Chronicles of Narnia and that was like the first series that I completed.
It’s amazing that you have a favorite book in kindergarten. [laughs]
Renee: It’s why I worked so much, honestly, when it comes to the industry, I don’t think I was a particularly talented actress, but as a kid I had very strong memorization skills and because of that I could read a script. I could learn it and, do what people told me to do. And especially when you look a little younger than your age, you work pretty consistently.
Do you have a favorite book as an adult, or are there too many to name?
Renee Olstead: There are too many to name. I tend to lean towards non-fiction.
Historic? Political?
Renee Olstead: Social for the most part. A lot of stuff around psy’, a lot of stuff around sex work, a lot of about sex work history, obviously a special interest of mine. Emily Nagoski has a new book that’s coming out in a couple of days that I’m really excited about.
As for fiction, I’m going to go with Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment.
There were so many things that were interesting about that. That book. You know, specifically in the discussion of an alcoholic character and the conceptualization of that – much of our understandings about that came a lot later. … The fact that there’s such diversity in the roles of female characters in that book. You see women as the villain. You see, you know, women as yeah…
Sure. We all study the core philosophy in The Brothers Karamazov, but when we ask that question, not a lot of people pick Russian literature. [laughs]
Renee: Well, yeah, but also what is more fascinating than a man who turns out classic literature every time he has a gambling debt? That is fascinating to me. [laughs]
“Damn! I have to write another book!”
Renee: Exactly! That’s so funny.
Last question, what would it mean to you to be Pet of the Year? That voting is coming up very soon…
Renee: Oh my God … It would be … It would be everything. I’m not going to pretend that it wouldn’t. I’m such a huge fan of the brand. I will say, I’m very honored to be part of the family as a Pet. I’m not trying to be greedy.
Penthouse is one of the rare truly legacy brands, and being Pet of the Year would be a chance to be an even bigger part of that legacy.
I really like it here. I hope I get to stick around, regardless. I certainly enjoy writing and all of that. … But I’ll definitely be sure my fans know [when the voting goes live]. It would mean the world to me.
Awesome, thank you so much.
Renee: I just got nervous.
You did great. I caught you off guard with that one.
Renee: That’s a hard question to answer, because it would absolutely mean everything to me. But I also appreciate everything that I’ve been given.
It would just be the trifecta for you. … Pet of the Month, columnist, and then Pet of the Year… Then we can hire you as a photographer … art director… How are you at doing makeup on other women? [laughs]
Renee Olstead: I could try my hand at it. I would be open to it. Still, being Pet of the Year would be a chance to be part of not only the legacy but what it means to be part of the Penthouse family going forward. Part of Penthouse’s future.
Because you were super-curious, we thought we’d let you know that Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.’s book did release, and even though it sounds like a Beatles song, it happens to be a fascinating read for anyone in a relationship – or who wants to be in a meaningful one. Being us, we naturally took Renee at her word and now can show off the “Sleepwalk” video that came up earlier in the conversation. This woman has many, many talents. It doesn’t seem fair, really, come to think of it.
Then we decided to leave you with one final image of Renee from out visit in January of 2024 in Las Vegas. We’re not saying that this represents how Ms. Olstead left the interview or anything, but she does happen to be kind of magic. You never know when she might appear again.
Compressed to six days. … In November and December 2004, U.S. military forces took part in their bloodiest battle since 1968. For the six weeks the Second Battle of Fallujah raged, U.S. Marines and Army soldiers led some of the heaviest urban combat American forces had faced in decades — even going as far as to use white phosphorus, a highly controversial chemical agent often compared to napalm, to target insurgent forces.
Nicknamed Operation Phantom Fury, the battle resulted in an estimated 6,000 total casualties, including: 95 U.S. forces, between 1,200 and 2,000 Iraqi insurgents, and an estimated 800 or more civilians.
Now, the battle is being waged once more — in the new first-person-shooter game Six Days in Fallujah, which features real-life stories of U.S. Marines and soldiers, as well as those of Iraqi civilians. The game launched in June 2023 in early release for Microsoft Windows, but developers promise an even more lifelike experience when the full game makes its debut on Xbox and PlayStation in 2024, saying, “The full version will offer a complete single-player story campaign that recreates true stories of Americans and Iraqis during the battle, as well as a robust special operator mode, more player roles, more co-op missions, and AI teammates.”
The game’s Steam site proclaims: “Six Days in Fallujah is a highly realistic first-person tactical shooter developed with help from more than 100 Marines and soldiers who served in the Second Battle of Fallujah. Based on true stories from one of the world’s toughest modern battles, Six Days drops you and your team into real-world scenarios that require real-life tactics to overcome.”
But it’s exactly this promise of a “true” experience that’s riled up military veterans and gamers alike as they debate whether such an experience really should be turned into entertainment.
The game, which was initially pitched to Atomic Games, was proposed by Sgt. Eddie Garcia, a Marine Corps veteran who fought in the battle. Following four years of development, the game was slated for release in 2009. Before the game could launch, however, Atomic’s publishing partner pulled out of the deal because of the controversy surrounding its release. More than 14 years later, the debate is raging once more.
One facet of the controversy: the accusation that the game was designed as a recruitment tool for the U.S. military. In 2020, after using the streaming app Twitch to reach gamers, the military was barred from the platform. At the time, it was revealed that gamers who tuned in to the U.S. Army’s streaming channel were lured to a recruitment page by links that were shared as part of alleged contests to win gaming gear. According to The Nation, users who followed the links were presented with “a recruiting form with no additional mention of a contest, odds, total number of winners, or when a drawing will occur.”
Rod Breslau, an e-sports industry consultant and insider, told The Nation, “You can say what you want about people who serve in the military and what that says about them. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be able to play video games or e-sports, but I do think it’s more insidious to have the military using it as a recruiting tool for young, impressionable people.”
The game’s publishers have denied any connection to recruitment, stating that they only worked with members of the military community as “private citizens” to get their input on the realities of the battle.
Another part of the controversy: the battle is too real to be a game. TechRadar Editor-in-Chief Jake Tucker had a chance to play the early release version of the game when it launched. In his review, he wrote, “It’s intense, brutal and the sort of tactical shooter that’s best suited for a dedicated team. Sadly, the horror doesn’t end when you come out of the mission. … Wading through the bloodshed of the Second Battle of Fallujah certainly left me feeling like I needed to take a shower.”
Cat Bussell, a staff writer for TechRadar and former political analyst, also questioned the game’s reality and motives in her review. “Six Days does little to address the extremely blurred lines between civilians and combatants that defined the Iraq War. While many accounts of the conflict, including Six Days, paint the insurgent/civilian dichotomy as a binary contrast, the reality was not nearly as cut and dry,” Bussell wrote.
“The Iraqis of Six Days … are either corpses or part of an indistinguishable militant horde, with no room for nuance. While the stories of the Marines absolutely deserve to be told, the same is true for the locals, whether or not they fought against the invaders, were bystanders, or found themselves being something in-between.”
Middle East Eye, in their article about the game, referenced a since-deleted tweet by a user whose commentary was a little more pointed: “Experience what it’s like to be a war criminal as you kill, rape and torture innocent Iraqi civilians because you’re a career terrorist.”
In 2021, when the game’s revival was initially announced, Middle East analyst Ahmed Twaij called out the game and its creators for devaluing Iraqi lives. “Preying on these real-life tragedies for entertainment is morally reprehensible, and the opportunity to play as U.S. soldiers in Fallujah and conduct virtual crimes only compounds the ongoing trauma suffered by Iraqis around the world,” Twaij wrote in Foreign Policy.
“For Iraqis, there is no off switch, and as the effects of the war continue to ripple through civilians’ daily lives, they deserve better than having their trauma flattened into 2D narratives for Western entertainment. Their lives are not a game.”
“We’re not asking players to commit atrocities in the game.”
Others, however, view the game as just that — a game. Six Days’ mastermind and longtime champion Peter Tamte has stood by it since its conception. He’s argued in the past that if television and movies could tell real-life war stories for entertainment, then games should be allowed to take inspiration from actual battles, too. “We’re not asking players to commit atrocities in the game,” he told GamesIndustry.biz in 2021.
“Are we effectively sanitizing events by not doing that? I don’t think that we need to portray the atrocities in order for people to understand the human cost. We can do that without the atrocities.”
Tamte added, “Very few people are curious [about] what it’s like to be an Iraqi civilian. Nobody’s going to play that game.”
Eddie Garcia, who initially conceived Six Days in 2004, also stands behind the game. “I always felt a movie would be too narrow of a lens to capture our experience in Iraq. A game on the other hand was perfect,” Garcia told Military Times in June 2023.
“A game could capture various perspectives, stories, ideas and feelings in a way that was personal and intimate. … My hope for the project was that the game could be a medium for all those things, for a diverse group of Marines, and I believe it succeeded.”
Veteran Read Omohundro, who served as a consultant on the original game concept and the final game, is equally supportive and finds the controversy around Six Days to be nonsense. According to Omohundro, the issues being raised against the game are those of policy and politics, something he says has little if anything to do with the actual battles waged by American servicemembers. “When [U.S. soldiers are] in the middle of a combat zone, they don’t give a shit about the politics of why they’re there. They’re just there. They’re taking care of their buddies, and their friends are doing their mission,” he told Polygon. “And that’s what this game is about. Not about what policymakers did up to that point.”
U.S. Marine veteran John Phipps, who fought in Fallujah, agrees the policies and politics that led to the battle are different from the actual fighting. But he also worries ignoring those foundational elements of the war takes away from the reality the game can offer. “Here, specifically, the insurgency was something of our own making. We created that,” he told GamesIndustry.biz.
However, regardless of the game’s inclusion of policy and overt politics, Phipps doesn’t believe it can engender a remotely realistic battle experience. “[This game] will not give you anywhere near an accurate sense of what it’s like to be near a battlefield, what it’s like to not just experience death in front of you, but to smell it, to hear it,” he said. “It’s not going to tell you what it’s like to watch a gunnery sergeant get reduced to ash in front of you — or having to clean him up afterward.”
Full disclosure, in our internal discussions about the topic, some of found much of the critique of Six Days to be on flimsy footing. So a tactical shooter game about some random imaginary place would be fine, but once you start reaching out to experts to bring reality into the strategy and start talking about real places and situations, suddenly you’ve got a problem? … At the risk of introducing “reality” into their argument, but people like tactical shooter games a lot. Obviously, these database sites by definition have constantly changing numbers, but just know that first column of green numbers represents the number of people playing a particular game — just in streaming, mind you — RIGHT NOW. On the day we looked, there were 4,708 games classified as tactical shooter by this particular resource. Now put all of that background information into your Six Days ruminations.
We’ve combined two separate articles from the Jan/Feb, 2018, issue of Penthouse Magazine for our rumination today, with a little bit of history, a little bit of legal analysis on perhaps modern origins of the practice in day-to-day lives, and then a throw to an entire world where one can examine the topic for fully and personally. Oddly, for us at least, we have no editorial opinion one way or the other, but we do like clever songs, if that tells you anything.
Drinking in the Aftermath: The Foggy History of Hangovers By Michael Hingston
When you get right down to it, most of history is weird. That’s why writing a column like this one is a pretty plum gig. No matter how innocuous the topic might sound, you’ll inevitably come across a story that seems totally bizarre to our modern sensibility if you’re willing to dig deep enough. So with this month’s theme of hangovers, I was sure I was once again in the clear-after all, what could be an easier target than the disastrous aftereffects of too much booze? Reader, I appear before you today humbled. After spending hours poking around online, and stomping around multiple university libraries, I am here to report that hangovers are…kind of boring, historically speaking.
At first glance, this makes no sense. Getting drunk is an act that’s nearly as old as humanity itself; some researchers believe people were making alcohol even before we figured out how to grow our own crops. And as long as we’ve been drinking, we’ve been drinking too much, and then rolling around on the floor as our heads and stomachs team up to punish us for our liquid gluttony. In all that time, the course of history hasn’t been altered by a particularly nasty hangover or two?
Well, it has. We just don’t know about it. In truth, the reason the history of hangovers isn’t all that weird is because, unlike a lot of things, they aren’t some mysterious experience that science can only explain retroactively. The cause and effect is fairly obvious, and has been understood as such at least as far back as ancient Greece: Drink too much, and you’ll pay for it later. So stop talking about it so loudly, and pass me the Advil already.
Not that that dissuaded anyone from partaking in the first place, of course. The Greeks loved their wine so much that they created a party god, Dionysus, who was responsible for the all-important grape crop. They also believed that people who preferred water to alcohol weren’t just boring, but actually smelled bad. The Greeks didn’t believe in a hangover god, though (an unusual omission that would later inspire author Terry Pratchett to invent one). Instead, they knew to seek out better-quality alcohols, and, when all else failed, to sleep the rest of the day away.
No matter the part of the world, wherever alcohol appeared, hangovers weren’t far behind. And each culture grappled with them in its own way. The oldest-known Arabic cookbook, from the tenth century, suggested adding an early kind of lemonade to your alcohol to stop a hangover before it started, and if that didn’t work, downing a bowl of yogurt-y stew called kishkiyya. In the exceedingly formal society of sixteenth-century Japan, meanwhile, it was considered polite after an alcohol-heavy event to demonstrate the extent of one’s hangover-even if you didn’t actually have one. To fake it, people would send late thank-you notes to the host, written with intentionally sloppy handwriting.
But if humans have long understood the what of hangovers, sometimes a little too well-I’m partial to Kingsley Amis’s description, from Lucky Jim, of feeling like you’ve “somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beat up by secret police”-they continued to struggle to understand the how. However, hangovers are starting to get their due from scientists. Recent studies have tried to break hangovers down into their constituent parts, from dehydration to nausea to a catch-all category of leftover fermentation chemicals in your stomach called “congeners.”
Still, the search for a cure remains as elusive as ever. In fact, by far the weirdest part of hangovers isn’t their past, but their future. As we speak, plenty of private companies are hard at work on developing a workaround-all that remains to be seen is which version gets to market first, and which one takes off with the public. Will it be RU-21, a Russian-made pill originally developed by the KGB? Or the tea company Tetley, which plans to roll out a special hangover tea by 2026? Or how about one of the many groups working on so-called “synthetic alcohol” which is supposed to manipulate and massage the neurotransmitters that give us the feeling of being drunk?
Personally, I’ve learned to avoid the problem by drinking two beers and then quitting. But the estimated $148 billion that hangovers cost the U.S. economy in lost productivity each year suggests that a more pressing solution might be useful.
Michael Hingston is a writer based in Edmonton, Alberta. He was our then Executive Editor’s kindergarten boyfriend. We miss her, and maybe we’d like him too.
The One-Way Street of College Drinking and Sex By Alan M. Dershowitz
Illegal underage drinking is fueling many of the disputed sexual encounters that are roiling college campuses around the country. And university administrators don’t have the guts to confront this issue directly because it would make them unpopular with students who regard the right to get drunk and “hook up” as fundamental to the college experience.
Many if not most of the she-said-he-said controversies about whether asexual encounter was consensual involve one or both parties being drunk. In these situations, memories are blurred and the woman is almost always believed. Moreover, women aren’t charged when they have sex with a drunk man. It’s a one-way street.
Colleges that knowingly permit drinking by underage students are not only morally complicit, they may be legally complicit. They claim they can’t stop it. They are lying. It wouldn’t be easy to stop all illegal underage drinking, but it would certainly be possible to reduce the incidence of drunkenness among students.
Colleges could have a zero-tolerance policy toward underage drinking: If you’re caught, you’re automatically suspended.
They could have university police monitor local bars and card all undergrads.
They could ban alcohol in dorm rooms and actually enforce the ban.
They could require dorm supervisors to report drunken conduct. Already many dorms have video cameras that record the entry and exit of students. These videos could identify drunk students, just as such footage is utilized in contested sexual assault cases. Fraternities, sororities, and other clubs that today serve as alcohol mills should be required to stop providing booze to teenagers.
Tailgate parties could be monitored for underage drinking.
None of this would be easy or popular but it could have a dramatic effect on reducing sexual assaults. It would also reduce the number of questionable cases in which both parties are drunk and lack clear memories of what happened. I am not suggesting that colleges adopt Brigham Young University’s blanket prohibition on all premarital sex, or even its blanket prohibition on all drinking, regardless of age. But to be effective, a ban on underage drinking would have to be somewhat over-inclusive-it would have to apply to all undergraduates, even those who have reached the drinking age of 21. Otherwise it would be too easy for 21-year-old undergrads to become the providers and facilitators of underage drinking. The slightly over-inclusive ban would permit colleges to have an absolute rule against any alcohol in undergraduate dorms, at undergraduate parties, and other social events. It would require 21-year-olds to wait until they graduated before drinking on their alma mater’s campus.
But it would be worth it, if it cut down on the number of sexual assaults and complaints. It is difficult to come up with hard statistical evidence of cause and effect when it comes to alcohol and sex, because the data on drinking and sexual assaults is unreliable. But clinical evidence points to a close association between excessive drinking and disputed sexual encounters.
There is nothing ideological about drinking. Moreover, it is gender neutral — women are as much at fault as men.
An effective ban on underage drinking would also save colleges a small fortune. Today, there is an entire bureaucracy in many colleges whose primary job is to monitor the sexual behavior of students to assure that every sexual encounter meets the varying standards of consent articulated by different colleges. It would also improve the quality of the education provided by colleges, since students who come to class with hangovers are not in the best position to learn. Finally, it would reduce the number of fatalities and serious injuries associated with alcohol consumption.
So why is there no movement on campuses to allocate more resources to regulating drunkenness rather than sex? Because an entire industry and political movement has been built around punishing alleged sex offenders rather than preventing sex offenses. There is nothing ideological about drinking. Moreover, it is gender neutral — women are as much at fault as men. So there is no political or ideological benefit in focusing on the alcohol component of sexual encounters. But the cost of tolerating pervasive drunkenness on campuses-especially to women-is too high. Difficult and unpopular as it would be, it is imperative that colleges take responsibility for tolerating the crime of underage drinking.
Full disclosure, we never to a chance to ask Professor Dershowitz personally whether or not he appreciates The Charlie Daniels Band, but honestly, country music pretty much has a lock on all the great drinking songs. Hard to argue with the sentiments in, “Pour me another one, I’m finished with the other one, I’m drinkin’ my baby goodbye.” … Of course when in doubt, it’s hard to beat ol’ Merle. “I think I’ll just stay here and drink.” … Should you be doing Dry January, of course, well, you’re on your own in that case.
Unlike most adult performers, Janine crossed over into adult films from a mainstream acting career in the late 80s, early 90s, after she starred in the cult classics, Caged Heat and Spring Break USA. Janine may have garnered the most mainstream fame, though, famously being known as the hot nurse wearing latex gloves holding a needle on the Blink 182 cover for the “Enema of the State” (and in their video, What’s My Name Again?).
In adult movies, Janine commercialized the “come back” with unequal par. Each time she left the industry, she’d return reinvented by re-branding herself. Helping to popularize an adult entertainment genre, Janine was the poster child for “girl-girl” porn when she was a Vivid Entertainment contract star, and as one half of the famous feature-dancing duo, Blondage (along with fellow fair-haired performer Julia Ann). Janine also helped pioneer the Alt Porn category, carving out a niche for herself as a prominently inked actress.
These days Janine has been enjoying life exploring the country in her 1959 Shasta travel trailer, which took her over two months refurbish. I caught up with and spent the day shooting her at Dockweiler Beach RV Park in Los Angeles. She confessed to me, “I haven’t had anyone photograph me this tattooed.” Well, on behalf of men everywhere may I thank you for the honor, Janine!
Of course the focus of this series has been to reveal the 25 things that will be new to even big fans, so naturally Janine provided that list as well.
The Super-Secret Janine Lindemulder
I will always bleed Dodger Blue. When I was 10 years old I got to meet Steve Yager. I was forever in love. LOL
My first job I was fifteen and a half and reluctantly my dad agreed to let me start working at Taco Bell. I LOVED IT! But I soon got fired when I refused to wear a hair net.
Turn-offs – Men who don’t eat their vegetables. Straight up Pussies!
Turn-ons – Men who take matters into their own hands. Get shit done. T.C.B.
The only song I sing in its entirety is “Trouble” by the one and only Elvis Presley.
I love the smell of fresh tar. Brings me back to being a kid on a hot summer day playing kickball on my street.
What can a man do to capture my attention? Be sweet, humble but secure, and funny. Leave the “tough guy “at the door.
My favorite arcade games are Pong, Pac-Man, and air hockey. I challenge any man to a game of air hockey! You WILL get your ass handed to you.
I’m allergic to cats but I owe my cat Fiddle my life. So I will happily take medication to have her with me.
I was conceived in Hawaii while my dad was stationed there. I choose to believe it was on February 14th 1968, since I was born exactly 9 months later.
My favorite romantic gesture is being served breakfast in bed.
I’m a huge Gene Wilder, and John Candy fan.
My favorite quote is, “I’m a lover not a fighter, but I’ll fight for what I love.”
I have a three-year-old cat named Fiddle, named after the Charlie Daniels band, and a seven-year-old bearded dragon that I love as my own, his name is Blaze.
My first car was a 1975 mustang. I got it for thousand bucks!
I love preparing Thanksgiving with family all around. It’s my favorite meal to cook.
My sign is Scorpio. Pretty much spot on…
If I had to pick just one favorite snack it would have to be my Olive Pit brand spicy pickled green beans. I buy them by the case.
I’m an “afternoon delight” kind of lover. It’s my preferred time of the day to have sex.
People always ask me what it was like on set with Blink 182; all I can say is that they are bunch of good boys who were very respectful, with wonderful manners.
Joshua Tree National Forest has to be one of my favorite places to visit thus far. Something very surreal about that place, almost like a different world. But as I write this sitting here on the coast of Oregon, I realize I now can’t decide.
How far would I go to protect animals? I’d gladly go back to prison to protect animals.
Seka was my inspiration prior to getting into the adult movie making biz.
My favorite sex toy is my plug in vibrator I’ve had since I was 18.
My two favorite rainy day hobbies are crocheting while listening to 70’s music blasting through my headphones, and painting.
My tattoos … I surprised myself one day as a realized I have many pieces that reference the Bible. On my knuckles is W.W.J.D. Which I refer to quite a bit.
I live in the woods on the coast of Oregon but love to travel with my animals in my ’59 Shasta.
Despite the wide diversity in the industry, Janine has always had a unique flair. As you can see, she also always gives people just a little bit more than they ask of her. She does move around a lot, obviously, so perhaps Link Tree might be the best way to keep up with her these days.
Sadly, due to time constraints on this end, we were unable to track Janine down ourselves in order to fill in our traditional “what’s up lately?” conclusion to these features. That said, we do have a person consulting here “even older than Janine” in industry terms, as he puts it. In our conversations about this article, he shared a favorite Janine Lindemulder story that we got permission to reprint here.
Back in the late 90s, the industry was a very different place. Contract performers ruled the popularity roost, and odd as it may sound, those women could often go entire careers without really meeting the others, as by definition they all worked exclusively for different companies. Well, a high-end art photographer wandered through the AVN Vegas convention one year, and he decided he wanted to shoot the top three women in the business at the time — all at once. Well, contracts did not generally cover photo shoots back then, so early one morning we ended up with Janine from Vivid, Jenna Jameson from Wicked, and Juli Ashton from VCA, all in the same room. After havin been there for maybe half an hour, with everyone acting like we were in a library, trying not to make a commotion or anything, Janine spun her head around in her makeup chair and said quite loudly, “This fuckin’ rocks!” … Well, that did it. Everyone laughed and relaxed, and for the next five or six hours we got to watch some of the most uninhibited fun those three women had been allowed to have in public for a very long time. And Janine made that all happen. She was joyous.A. Nonymous
Anyone that knows much about Janine at all knows that she has been thtough some tough times in life. Not everything has been peaches and cream in her world, certainly. Kind people will sometimes end up on the wrong end of the happiness stick for a bit, but they do tend to flip things around eventually. We sure hope that happens for her, as nobody deserves it more.
Yesterday, Lacy Lennon drove across the county in a car packed with all the Christmas 2024 décor her hatchback could hold. Today, she’s erecting a Christmas tree in the living room of Ana Foxxx’s LA mansion and finalizing the last of the vendor meetings. A firework of a woman with red curls that swing past her shoulders, Lacy Lennon reigns as a former Pet of the Year, an industry vet with an enviable amount of energy, and the creative lead for our upcoming Penthouse Christmas shoot.
I first met Lacy at a Penthouse party during AVN weekend, and I was instantly taken with her drive and creative vision. She didn’t just want to make “content” for her fans, Lacy was passionate about bringing fantasies to life on camera. Outsiders don’t often get to see the behind-the-scenes work that goes into content creation — much of that is by design–but for independent creators, this often means building DIY sets, coordinating talent, setting up light and equipment rentals, handling hair and makeup, and scores of hours spent editing.
I felt a twinge of guilt as I checked in for my upcoming flight, as a tight travel schedule meant I’d miss the most intensive setup work. My phone chirped again, this time a series of videos shot in the back of an LA showroom — Lacy in a pair of five-foot angel wings, rental agreements, and pricing options. I imagined her texting me with oversized wings still Velcroed to her back.
Christmas 2024 in LA
My flight lands at the quiet Burbank airport where I grab my rental car and set the navigation for 19-time Penthouse cover model Sam Phillips’ house, where I’ll be staying for the duration of my trip. Lacy sends me video updates of her progress, and I’m shocked by the number of half-empty Amazon boxes strewn across Ana’s marble floors. Each box will be repurposed, I’m told, wrapped and tied until its former utility becomes unrecognizable in the holiday scene.
The next morning comes early and by 6 a.m., my caffeine levels have hit critical mass. My rental car pulls onto the freeway, rolling to a halt in a familiar sea of brake lights. After leaving LA last year, being back in LA traffic felt more like a novelty than an annoyance.
I hear a small choir of friendly howls as I climb the steps of Ana’s LA mansion. As the front door swings open, I’m greeted by Ana’s radiant smile and a small white dog that spins in circles at her feet. “Ahh, that’s Marley!” Ana explains, pointing toward a bouncing Maltese. Marley leaps up and down in excitement, his paws stretched toward the sky, his excitement only growing at the sound of his name. Lacy is out on the balcony, wrapping the railing with Christmas lights. She stops her work to greet me, throwing her arms around my shoulders and squeezing me tight. I’m handed a mimosa and a stack of velvet bows — there’s still so much to do.
As our to-do list grows shorter, we decide it’s time for a break. Together, we pile into an Uber, setting course for a local Italian restaurant. I convince Ana to join me in ordering one of my favorite cocktails — an espresso martini with tequila — while Lacy opts for a gin cocktail. She offers me a sip, as a small group of waiters watch our table from afar. Our leftovers each arrive in bags inscribed with handwritten notes. We giggle like teenagers as we head outside to meet our Uber, snapping photos as we wait.
Shoots would start early tomorrow, but tonight was girls’ night.
Bringing the Magic to Life
I scrolled through my camera roll as I readied myself for our second day of shoots. Day One had been a big success. Though we’d have to wait to see the final, professional photos, the day had yielded scores of behind-the-scenes videos, selfies, and plenty of blurry shots taken while affixing my phone to its tripod stand. I couldn’t wait to see the final product. So much had gone into the lead-up to our shoots — I found myself feeling more nervous than usual. Today we would bring our holiday fantasy to life, and I wanted it to be perfect.
I’d had a last-minute idea to fashion Penthouse ornaments for today’s shoot, so I started my day on a quest for crafting supplies. I often forget how odd I must look scurrying about in the hours before a big shoot. This morning was no exception. I hurried through the aisles of a nearby Michael’s in full glam — big lashes and red lips, dressed in a formless, fuzzy black smock akin to a Snuggie (a practical choice, made to prevent impression marks that often require tedious retouching).
Later that morning, I set up my crafting station on Ana’s kitchen counter and began working on my small glittering contribution. I rushed to clear the mess I’d made when Ana reentered the room, this time in a red Honey Birdette lingerie set and matching thigh-highs. “Do you like caviar?” she asked, setting a large gold tray on the counter. It felt like a scene from a movie and I’d somehow gotten lucky enough to find a spot in the cast. I nodded in appreciation as she assembled a small plate for me.
The caviar spread was a special treat she’d ordered for our shoot, and it remains one of the most decadent and memorable things I’ve ever eaten. I could hear the click of the camera’s shutter in the other room as Lacy began her solo shots with the photographer. I savored the last of my plate before following Ana to the living room, our heels clacking on her marble floors.
As golden hour approached, we changed our lingerie and made our way to the roof, angel wings in tow. The vendor we’d rented them from had only one pair of the oversized wings in stock, so we’d all agreed to take turns shooting with them. The LA sun felt unseasonably warm, and it danced across my skin as Ana and Lacy helped Velcro the wings to my shoulders. I’d be the first to wear them, and though some small part of me worried that a gust of wind might carry me away, I pushed through. I channeled the spirit of my teenage self, who like many millennials, spent plenty of time practicing their Victoria’s Secret runway walk. In a flash, I remembered my training — this was the moment I’d been waiting for all those years.
As our Christmas 2024 shoot came to a close, Ana traded her lingerie for an oversized sweatshirt, while Lacy changed into flannel pajama pants. I opted for an oversized Showgirls sweatshirt, emblazoned with a portrait of Elizabeth Berkley — I’d rhinestoned it myself. We turned on the karaoke machine as we began to break down our Christmas set, each taking turns belting out songs from Adele and Disney movies, along my selection, the ’90s chick rock anthem “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks. At the end of the night, we all found ourselves sitting on the floor together, trading stories and sharing the last of our remaining champagne. It was just the three of us, but it was one of the best holiday parties I’ve ever attended.
Looking back on the beautiful images we captured together, I feel so grateful for the time we had together — the memories we made, the caviar, the champagne. We talked about making plans to see each other during AVN weekend, as I hugged Ana and Lacy long and hard. On my flight home, I’d scroll through my camera roll again, this time, through karaoke videos and the smiling selfies we’d taken together. I felt the rush of gratitude as I thought about my friends and the new memories we’d made. I’d been so inspired by the women I’d just spent my trip with and grateful that I’d had a chance to celebrate the holidays in community with such driven and talented performers.
Merry Christmas 2024, Penthouse! I’m so glad this shoot brought us all together to celebrate!
We would be remiss should we fail to provide Instagram links for Ana Foxxx, Lacy Lennon, and Renee Olstead of course, and one never wants to be remiss with a miss, so we have done so. … Also, just to set the record straight, retouching these models can be a lot of things, but “tedious” will never appear on that list.
Penthouse Christmas 2024
A final note about the video here. As you will see (or maybe have seen), trying to explain PG standards to a group of professional nude models can be challenging. You will hear things like, “It’s just boobs,” or “You can barely see.” While entertaining, but not tremendously helpful, and being grateful for what we received in the first place, the editors took a little liberty with graphics over a bit of the video celebration here — before they, y’know, gave up. Could be the ladies had venues to please other than this little one, in fairness. As with all the Christmas 2024 gifts we receive, we will enjoy these completely while we can.
Years from now, when the annals of history include our timeline of idiotic events, I think it’s safe to say they’ll reference our stupid asshole of a president’s lust for banning. Boy, does he love to ban. He’s not any good at it, he just loves to try and do it.
So, I’m going to throw my two cents into the political ring here: You know what the commander in chief should do away with? Father’s Day. And Mother’s Day. And Parents’ Day, which I didn’t even know existed until I Googled “holidays celebrating parents.” All three of these festive events should be erased from our celebratory calendars. And while we’re at it, let’s also ditch all the mugs and T-shirts that say “World’s Greatest [fill in your favorite paternal figure here].”
“Parents just don’t understand” DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince
I love my folks. I mean, I really, really love them. I love them to a point that I’m pretty sure I’d kill for them. The circumstance would have to be right, of course. I mean, I wouldn’t go on some Devil’s Rejects-style murder spree just because one of them politely asked me to do so. But if the situation were dire enough—let’s say, somehow I knew that if I didn’t kill a guy he would then in turn kill one or both of them, and I also knew I wouldn’t, like, get the gas chamber for doing it—then sure, I think I’d kill for them. Probably. I can accept brutal violence under certain terms. What I can’t swallow is the perpetuation of a ridiculous concept.
There is no world’s greatest dad or mom because there are no superhumans. Given the average earthlings we’re dealing with here, and given the fact that we’re measuring them on how much they provide their children, the term “world’s greatest” is not in any way qualifiable. It’s like arguing whether cats are better than dogs (they’re not, by the way). And speaking of cats and dogs, those animals have the human parents of this world beat by a long shot. In order to stave off predators, cats and dogs actually eat the placenta after their young are born. Now that’s providing. It’s also exceptionally nasty. So don’t be so quick to pat yourself on the back because you cut the crust off a sandwich or took your kids to a Dodgers game.
Let’s also discuss the prerequisites…er, prerequisite…to become a parent. There’s only one: sex. (I realize that, like me, some of you are adopted, but if you want to get technical, that’s really just a purchase.) Back to sex: the simple, brainless, and most-likely-less-than-nine-minute activity that led to your conception. Nothing magic or “great” there. Even if your folks made the sweetest, most tender, tantric Kenny G-type love to create you, it wasn’t some superhuman achievement. This stuff is pretty basic. It’s reproduction. Always remember: If an eleven-year-old can do it, it’s probably not that complicated.
So, all this miracle bullshit created and continually feeds an illusion that our parents are somehow miraculously “greater” than they are. They’re not. “Parents just don’t understand.” Of course they don’t! For the same reason you and I don’t understand anything half the time!
Look, I can’t speak for you, but I’m a fucking moron for at least 74 cumulative hours during any given week. So why should my folks be any different? I get that realizing your parents being as dumb or confused or frightened as you is as harsh a realization as anyone could have, but that’s because we don’t address it head-on. We inadvertently avoid it throughout our childhood, so when it finally hits it’s devastating.
When I experienced it, I remember being mad at society for pulling the wool over my eyes, having me think my mom and dad were without limits. I’d been duped and it wasn’t fair…especially to my mom and dad. They didn’t deserve a son—one they’d provided so much for—suddenly being cross with them because they no longer had every answer; because they couldn’t protect me from every atrocity of the outside world; because they weren’t the superheroes I was led to believe they were.
The older I get, the more I realize what my parents actually are: not superheroes, but antiheroes. And, quite frankly, that’s what I want them to be: complex characters, capable of good, bad, and everything in between. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they slip, sometimes they fall, sometimes they fly. They’re complicated, like me. And I know for a fact my parents appreciate me seeing them as people and not perfection.
Even if your folks made the sweetest, most tender, tantric Kenny G-type love to create you, it wasn’t some super-human achievement. This stuff is pretty basic. It’s reproduction.
My mom and I recently started going to therapy together—a twist I never expected this late in our relationship. At the ripe age of 70, when most people are stuck in their ways and completely resistant to change, my mother agreed to see a therapist with me so we could better understand one another. And that to me celebrates how amazing she is more than any holiday ever could.
So, if this pitch for a holiday ban is ever actually read by Mr. Trump (assuming he can read) and he, for once, successfully manages to ban something—don’t worry, nobody’s telling you you can’t shower your parents with love. It’ll just be healthy, logical love. Find another, more mundane day to send them a gift and a card. We live in a capitalist society, for Christ’s sake. There’s no shortage of holidays for you to buy Mom or Dad something that says “Thank you.”
Trust me, a new Blu-ray player showing up on the doorstep for no apparent reason other than it being Arbor Day is something every parent can understand.
Obviously, this has particular relevance because we’re all about to experience the Banner in Chief back in the White House again. Of course, whatever happens, not a single one of us has the slightest ability to predict it, so we really should stop trying, honestly. We can very easily take issue – all due respect – to Mr. Derosa being a non-believer in there being such a thing as the “World’s Greatest Mother” at all. That’s clearly wrong. Just ask my mother.
We would encourage you to find Joe DeRosa online, however, and attend at least one of his live shows. You’ll have a great time … and maybe you’ll get a chance to tell him about your mom too.
Performers in this business have been known to change their names with some regularity. Certainly no one gets surprised by that anymore (although the model release database people do tend to get rather annoyed). Someone changing her name FROM the famous Penthouse Pet one TO another name, though, now that doesn’t happen every day. We caught up with Lena, a.k.a. Destiny Rose (July 2022 Pet of the Month) at the AEE to ask her about that … and a few more things.
Penthouse: We are here at AVN 2024 with our Little Polish Angel!
Lena: Actually… You know what? Last month I had a project for my class. It was a marketing class, and we were supposed to create a marketing plan for a Brand. I chose Penthouse, and I had to do 30 pages of analysis, of marketing, of Penthouse and its social media. … So far you’re doing a great job.
Penthouse: Thank you! We appreciate you saying that. OK, first question, what should we call you? Because we printed you as Destiny Rose, but we know you have stopped using that name.
Lena: That’s correct. Many of you probably recognize me as Destiny Rose or Little Polish Angel. Probably six months ago or so, I decided to change my name because I wasn’t feeling in tune with Destiny Rose. It’s very hard to explain, but I feel like so many creators right now decide to have those animated characters that they present online. I was just tired of it. … I was very tired of playing this not very smart character, because that was my strategy for a long time. I was just Destiny, a fun blonde girl. Meanwhile, I actually like the side of me that goes to college is educated. I love being Polish, and for a long time I was very ashamed of being Polish.
When I came here, a lot of my friends in college would joke about my accent and about me being… a charity case from Poland. And I started being very proud of who I am, and I also decided to rebrand myself towards being more of a mainstream creator. Before I was just … I was an OnlyFans model with social media. I decided to try to be a social media creator with an OnlyFans.
And that became a milestone. … Changing my name.
Penthouse: Nice! We love to hear that. So, what have you been doing since you were crowned Pet of the Month?
Lena: Wow, it’s been an amazing year. And also it was a very brutal year. … After I became a Penthouse Pet of the Month, a friend of mine in college, my ex best friend leaked my photos from OnlyFans.
She actually sent out my OnlyFans to many of my friends in Poland. She sent it out to my professor, the school board…. It was a really big mess, a pretty awful story. She was very jealous, very insecure. But it also was very hurtful for me because I was hiding it, you know, until being Pet of the Month, I was hiding, having OnlyFans.
I was just a normal creator. I just was not ready to, you know, show off like as an adult creator…. So it really hit me. I wasn’t ready for that. So I took a gap year, and I was the most amazing gap year of my life. Right now I’m back in college since the fall, but I travel … I went to Bali. I went to Italy. I went to Kenya. So that was incredible.
Penthouse: We are Sorry to hear that happened to you. But at least you did something positive after. All of your travels looked beautiful, we saw all of your social media posts. Now that you’re back in college, what is your major?
Lena: I started as an international business major, then into business management. And right now I’m doing communications. Well, yeah. Communication. That’s how we call it “communication.”
The program’s a little bit different. I’m there on the full-ride scholarship. I’m there as a scholar who is supposed to do research. That’s my main goal for the next two years, to do research. Actually, I’m researching communication and marketing in adult entertainment. So, it’s been a very, you know, how do you say, a taboo topic? No one wants to do it with me. … At first it was very hard for me to find a sponsor for this thesis, and my entire research project. … Professors, I guess, are just ashamed of it. Eventually I came up to a professor who really likes me and he said, “No, like my wife wouldn’t approve of it, even if it’s supposed to be a scientific research.”
But I decided to push through anyway, so that’s what I’m working on.
Penthouse: So, did you find a sponsor?
Lena: Yes and no. It’s complicated. I actually did with one of my marketing professors, where I did my research for Penthouse, because I was very passionate about Penthouse. I felt like, it was a big Brand. … So I just decided to do this big project on Penthouse marketing. And he responds, “Wow, you can actually be very graphic – because he didn’t know, he was one of the few people who didn’t know I was an adult star. So he was seeing me just as a very talented student. Later he found out, about me because he saw a TikTok of me with Anna Kendrick. … Do you know this actress? Well, anyway, we did a TikTok together and he saw me with Anna, and he asked me, “Is that you?”
I was like, “Yes…”
“Because I had no idea that you’re an… I’m sorry. I never expected from such an academically-oriented student…”
Then he said, “All right, I will sponsor you.”
Penthouse: That’s so nice.
Lena: That’s very nice. He’s such a talented professor. He has been doing research for many years, even for Cambridge. He’s a very, very talented person.
Penthouse: You mentioned Anna Kendrick. Do you know her, or did you just bump into her at a party?
Lena: That’s a great question.
We had seen each other around other parties. For whatever reason she just, happens to have friends in this industry. And during this one party, I did not expect her to recognize me at all. She walks in and she’s like, “Oh my God, Lena…”
I say, “Anna Kendrick? You remember me?”
We start having a little chat. And she’s very flirty. She’s… hypnotizing. Now I have a major crush on her, and I even have her phone number. The other day I texted her to ask if she wants to see me, but she didn’t reply … so I don’t know what to say. …
Penthouse: Oh, no…
Lena: No, I will try again. I will try again the next time I’m in Los Angeles.
Penthouse: Now we don’t want to say the name of your school … but you’re a woman from Poland studying in the United States. How did you end up there?
Lena: I’m not supposed to say the name of my school, because that’s what they instructed me to do. …
Because I’m coming from an extremely poor family in Poland, an underprivileged family. But I was always a very, very ambitious person. … And just one day – I’m not joking – one day I woke up, and I had this feeling of wanting to study in America. And I told everyone, I’m going to America.
It was around my second year of high school – in Poland you have three years of high school – it was my second year, and I just decided, I’m going to do it.
Everyone was laughing at me because I had like minus $10 in my bank account … and I just started studying really hard. I was going through all those resources online trying to find out how to study in America. … And then I passed the SAT. I passed with a really, really, really high score. I applied to many schools here, but I need to find schools where I’m given a full-ride scholarship. I had zero money. Plus I have always been a very academically-oriented person. I was on the national team for Taekwondo. So my resume was, I wouldn’t call it impressive, but it was definitely appealing to many colleges here.
They like diverse students. With [my school now] I applied and they sent me an email that I should come for a competition here. … They sent me tickets, so I came in, I passed and got passed the interviews, but at first I didn’t get the scholarship. I was the first one on the waiting list.
Only seven students per year in this college get a full-ride. It’s very competitive, with a scholarship worth almost $90,000 a year. It’s incredible.
I was first on the waitlist, but I was certain. I kept telling myself, “Oh, no. I’m going to study there.”
I was emailing them every single day. I was the most annoying person you can probably imagine.
I was emailing them every single day, and I guess that at some point they were just like, “OK. We can’t stand this girl anymore.” So here I am. Of course instead of being just an academic, I turned into an adult entertainer. It was three years ago now.
Penthouse: So you’re in your junior year of college?
Lena: Yes. Yes, that’s right, I’m a junior in college.
Penthouse: What’s the enrollment at school?
Lena: It’s a small private college, so in total they have 6000 students or so. … But it’s still nice. And they are incredible. They pay for my housing. They pay my food. They pay my tuition. … It’s also challenging, though. You need to study very hard. It’s not like I can fully devote myself to a career, while attending. I have to have straight A’s, at a minimum.
Do they require extracurriculars?
They would expect me to have all of those other activities, but I just don’t see a lot of sense in all those organizations, having all those passions outside of college.
I know I’m in adult entertainment, but I find myself to be different in this circumstance, because I’m looking at it like a scientific way of marketing. That’s why I didn’t get an internship. My whole life right now is one big internship. I can’t explain how many doors the adult entertainment opened for me.
And, you know, it’s a ‘pretty privilege’ too. It’s good to be a hot girl everywhere in the world.
I love studying, I really do … but sometimes … the professors – especially because my interest lies in modern social media marketing…. I sometimes feel like I could teach there. They have amazing professors, but it happens sometimes where they only teach from textbooks. In general, I feel like the teaching system is outdated. Textbooks are not always effective. The average span of attention with a person is seven seconds. … Everything should be, evolving, and I feel like it’s not.
My college is really good at that. I think we’re the prime of really expensive colleges, so we do our best work to improve the learning experience and then provide amazing opportunities.
That’s the most important aspect of my college, such a small private college. A lot of famous people come out of there, very successful people. So we bring them in to speak, or we sometimes get opportunities for internships. For example, I went to an internship at Wall Street. They have this program called … I can’t say the name because someone can look it up … but it’s a program basically for girls who have interests in working in finance or the economy. They sent us to New York for two weeks for an internship on Wall Street.
Come to find out, I hated that. … I thought that was my passion. I actually started school with the intention of going into finance, but I hated that time. The rat race is just not for me. But my college gives opportunities, and I feel like that’s something that matters the most for me.
Penthouse: Finding out what you don’t like can be very important.
Lena: I think, is probably most important because you can grow from there. Finding what you like is so random. Whereas finding what you don’t like can help you set boundaries and set your life path.
Penthouse: So you found out you didn’t like finance, but that led to discovering that you do like marketing and communication.
Lena: I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. … I feel like finance is so important that everyone should study finance. Even this semester I’m taking finance classes because I have great professors and it’s important to have this knowledge. But also because of my career, I focus on psychology, communication, marketing because that is what helps me with everyday life.
And that’s also what I’m doing my research on. Because, I have everyday interactions with those things.
Penthouse: You can run your own business….
It’s not all finance and money. That’s not how it works. You need to bring people to you. You need to create a brand and market yourself.
You need people to bring traffic to all platforms and counter all the negative spin. I personally think that scarcity brings out the best salespeople. … Let’s say with strippers, it’s all marketing. It’s all sales. You learn human psychology in this industry, more than you would learn anywhere else.
Think about it. Basically, now the competition has gotten so high around OnlyFans. Everyone has OnlyFans. Everything is OnlyFans. But you need to ask yourself a question: what makes a girl successful?
In my personal opinion, it comes down to having your own brand, showing yourself and your true self. Because there are so many companies with “gurus” that want to take your money to do what you can do on your own. Everyone can shake ass. Everyone can show tits. Everyone can dance in a bikini, but the women that are really successful show their personally. They’re very likable. Influencers make the most money of all of us because people like them for who they are.
If you drive a person [to OnlyFans] from social media just with your body, they lose interest easily. If you’re just yourself, and people like your personality, they will stay there for yorel=”shadowbox”u.
Penthouse: So true! Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us! We know you’ll continue to excel in college. And we cannot wait to see what is next for you.
Lena: Thank you, it was nice seeing you guys here.
Honestly, nobody around here would complain if we got to see Lena every year at the show — or, y’know, every day at breakfast. By the time we all reached coordinated schedules, it was very late in the day, and we were dead tired. Then Lena showed up, and we were all ready to conquer the world (or at least have a drink with it) again. Lena has that effect on people, which you will be able to tell should you visit her under either Lena or LittlePolishAngel on Instagram. Tell her we say, “HEY!”
It’s their job to butter you up and strip your wallet of its hard-earned contents, so you can be forgiven for an automatic inclination to assume that when a stripper calls you “handsome” she’s just hustling her crowd. But is there another side to the job? Can you genuinely find your audience attractive when you’re getting paid to remove your clothes for them? We hit the town and spoke to some strippers to find out if guys really try to pick them up at work, and if they ever play along.
“Guys try it almost every night,” we’re told. “You’d think they’d probably realize we’re not there to fuck them, but it doesn’t stop them.”
So, drunk dudes on a boy’s night out behaving badly in front of nude women? No surprises there. But when we asked a few girls if they ever go home with a customer after they get off the pole, we did get some surprising, even encouraging, responses.
“I haven’t, but a lot of my other stripper friends have,” says Gina, who’s in between sets at one of the city’s classier venues. “Some more than others. One girl I used to dance with used to screw, like, one or two guys from the club a week. Another friend met her fiancé in a private show.”
Who are these lucky guys, you ask, and what do you have to say to get across the line in a strip club? “I’ve only ever gone home with the sober ones,” says Xenia. “You kind of forget where you are and what you’re doing if you’re having fun with a guest, but if he’s sober and cute it’s easy to just say ‘fuck it’ and let him buy you a drink and take it from there. It feels safer as well, I guess.”
So, don’t go too heavy on the naughty water–seems like legit advice. But what about what to say? “The best line I’ve ever heard was from this one guy–he looked like Robin Thicke and was wearing this shiny suit and cowboy boots–I went up and asked if he’d like a private show and he just said, ‘Wouldn’t that make it awkward if our grandkids ever found out that I paid money to see you naked though?’” says Bobbi.
“And then there’s what never to say,” she continues. “That’s one example of a cheesy line being great, but pickup lines generally aren’t going to work on girls who are already naked, especially when they hear them all every day. Or involve direct reference to their dicks.
The worst I’ve probably heard is, ‘There are 206 bones in the human body–want another?’ And sometimes I swear if I have one more guy ask me if it hurt when I fell from heaven, I’m going to put my clothes back on and walk out.”
Mind Your Own Pole
Should you be convinced that you have zero interest in seeing any of that stripper pole expertise at work in private, feel free to use any of these examples of the top no-nos according to our poll. (Get it?)
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A STRIPPER:
Ease the cheese. Don’t say anything obvious or clichéd. No, heaven isn’t missing an angel, U and I aren’t next to each other in the alphabet, and you can’t have her phone number just because you lost yours.
Avoid talking about your junk. You’re trying to prove you’re the nicest guy in the place, so arm yourself with the charm to match. Telling her you “need a home for your purple dome” isn’t going to get you very far.
If you do try to chat up someone who flirts for a living, don’t pretend you can out-game them. “The sweetest guys I meet at work are the ones who aren’t pretending to be George Clooney–genuine is always best,” says Bobbi.
As one might expect, over the years Penthouse has put the pole to good use in our layouts, and also as one might expect, not very many of those stripper pole sets have photographs we can use out here in the polite company world. Also as one might expect, you may find more “complete” pole galleries on PenthouseGold.
Interestingly enough—considering the holiday season, it turns out that much of the illustration for the PenthouseMerch site happened to take place in one of the Penthouse Clubs. Not only were we able to throw in a couple of gratuitous plugs by mentioning that, but we’re also able to show you that main site photograph in color. We just knew you were dying to see that.
Don’t bother asking how Laura Stylez and Leah McSweeney first met, because they have no clue. “It’s like this ongoing funny little story between us because we can’t really pinpoint where we met,” Stylez says with a laugh.
“We met when I was sober, too, so you’d think I’d remember,” McSweeney interjects.
Somewhere in between their first encounter and countless three-hour lunch dates talking about men, life, and careers, somewhere in between their first encounter and countless three-hour lunch dates talking about men, life, and careers, the duo decided to take their banter public. The result is “Improper Etiquette,” the podcast they describe as “sex-positive,” punctuated with topics like current events, relationships, mental health, and the pair’s respective industries.
McSweeney just rounded the corner of 13 years since she first launched her massively successful Married to the Mob streetwear line for women, while Stylez has been a fixture in radio for well over a decade — most recently as the female voice of reason for New York City hip-hop station Hot 97’s flagship show, Ebro in the Morning. The podcast hit its 50th episode milestone this past summer.
Noteworthy “Etiquette” episodes include anecdotal discussions about McSweeney hot-wiring her faulty vibrator (“She electrocuted her clit just to get off!” Stylez says) and Stylez referring to her new relationship as a “Dominican Dick Chamber.”
And while the two are adamant the podcast is more than just a cheeky hour to talk dicks and clits, they do recognize the power behind gripping those microphones every week. (All phallic puns intended.)
How did the podcast first come about?
Laura: Leah kept telling me we should do a podcast, and I was like, “Ehhhh.”
Leah: The last thing you wanted to do was talk more.
Laura: Right! But then we had so much fun hanging out that I was like, “You know what? Let’s just do it.” We were looking for other people to be a part of it, and then we were like, “Why don’t we just do it ourselves?” So we did.
Leah: Did you think that after the first episode it would turn into what it has?
Laura: Not at all.
Leah: It’s crazy, right?
Why a sex-positive podcast — or a “sex pos-cast”?
Laura: Think about it. When you have a couple of drinks or when you’re having your special time with your best friend, you end up talking about sex.
Leah: I don’t know if everyone does, but we do.
Laura: But we do, and maybe it’s because me and [Leah] are super comfortable with each other to talk about it — our sex lives, just sex in general, things that we think are funny, things that we think are weird or just curious about. When I would talk with my friends, I realized how few of these conversations exist in their lives. So I was like, “Alright, cool. If we can just be really honest about blowjobs….” One [episode] Leah was like, “I can just imagine you giving a blowjob with your eyeliner dripping down your face.”
The “Slut Tears” episode.
Laura: Yes! The slut tears! I thought it was just the funniest shit ever. We honestly talk about everything, and sex is just a part of it. When we released our first episode, people responded giggling: “I listen to your podcast on the subway,” or “I listen to it driving and cracking up,” and “I can’t even tell people what I’m listening to.” And you see? We became the dirty little secret. People would email us — grown men — “Hey, I’m 45 and in California and you guys are definitely my dirty little secret. I don’t tell my wife that I listen to the podcast,” or “I don’t tell my girlfriend.”
Leah: Or, “I don’t tell my other construction worker buddies.”
You’re the “other women.”
Laura: We are!
Leah: We’re kind of like the mistresses. Just to touch upon the sex thing, though. I gave up alcohol and drugs eight years ago, and all I have left is sex. Before, I got such enjoyment out of getting shit-faced and getting high. I had to give that up, so sex is all that’s left for me. That and iced coffee.
Laura, it had to be an especially interesting switch for you to discuss sex on-air, considering you’re a radio personality.
Laura: I talk for a living, but I don’t get to talk about sex freely.
Leah: You’re censored.
Laura: I’m censored. I can’t really say what I want to say all the time. I always have to be careful, tiptoe on how I deliver a message or talk about a story. But then, when you’re home alone, you go down these weird rabbit holes on YouTube or you start Googling these funny and interesting things. I’m thinking, I know other people wanna talk about this shit. One time I was like, “How do you prep for anal sex?” What if you have anal sex and a turd falls out? That’s not sexy. We literally had people tell us. I looked up this one porn star who uses butt plugs for two days [beforehand].
Leah: I am so not interested in stretching my butthole out.
People weigh in on this stuff? You have to have some amazing stories there.
Leah: This girl wrote in that her fuckin’ boyfriend DPs [double penetrates] her with his best friend, which I think is a great thing. I think it’s very loving and sharing. Happy family. I’m into it.
Laura: Leah’s fantasy is a gangbang.
Leah: It’s the only porn I can watch.
Okay, so who would be in the gangbang with you?
Leah: Ugly guys.
Laura: Older, ugly dudes?
Leah: Ugly, disgusting, fuckin’ nasty … I’ve already had hot guys. I need some ugly ones. It’ll happen.
Are you going to send an evite?
Leah: [Laughs] Okay, maybe not a gangbang, but on my bucket list is two dudes. I’ve never had that.
Laura: I’ve heard that double penetration is the orgasm to have.
Leah: I watch orgasm compilations on DP. These girls are being catapulted to the heavens. I’ll send you the link.
The thing about being so transparent, though, is that people must come up to you after the episodes, right?
Leah: You should see my inbox. It’s not even sexual, but like, “I have bipolar disorder,” [McSweeney openly discusses her bipolarism on-air] and I can’t help but write back. I have to.
Laura: With me, I love it. At first I was kind of embarrassed, but now I have people thanking me because they like listening to this different side of me. We get it all the time: “You guys are the friends in our heads.”
Leah: It’s really fucking sweet.
Laura: We’ve had some stories that have made us cry. Since we talk about everything, we had one episode where we discussed how women of a certain age are pressured to have kids and how we’re learning to be okay with having kids later in life. One woman hit us up, and we had already seen pictures of her and her husband with their child, but we don’t get to the listeners until the end. She basically wrote us this email about how she ended up getting pregnant right before [her husband] started chemo, and the pictures we saw were before he passed away.
Leah: He died when their daughter was one.
Laura: Leah started crying, I teared up. It’s like, we have these listeners whose stories have touched us so much. It’s changed our lives. I get goosebumps even thinking about it. It’s incredible that people are even reaching out to us, sending us photos, and telling us that we’re a part of their lives. It’s really changed [mine and Leah’s] relationship; we’ve gotten so much closer.
It does feel like your podcast turned a corner where it went from that “dirty little secret” to something much bigger. The subject matter also expanded.
Laura: After a while, I think it had to do with what we cared about. At first, it was fun just having this one type of conversation, but then it became things we cared about. Like, Leah’s obsession with the New York Post is so funny to me, so we just started talking about things that triggered emotions for us.
Leah: Also, while this podcast was growing, we got a new president, so obviously we’re going to cover that. Things happening in our lives — Laura started dating someone, I went through a really bad breakup. I couldn’t turn that off and be like, “Here I am! I’m great!” I was fucking heartbroken and devastated. I wasn’t going to come on here and lie about it. I did realize, though, that there were situations where what I said on this podcast could have an effect on my Google. When you Google my name now — woo! No regrets, no regrets at all. It has been a learning experience for me, though. Everything is recorded here — on Soundcloud, on iTunes — for everyone to hear, even my daughter and my mother. Everybody.
Laura: And we own up to our mistakes. When we’re right, we’re right. When we’re wrong, we apologize and admit that we’ve fucked up. We’re honest, and we change our mind about shit. We’re human beings. Things we cared about one day, maybe we don’t give a shit about the next.
How have your sex lives changed since this podcast?
Laura: Well, I went from having a very “meh” sex life to being in a Dominican Dick Chamber.
Leah: [Laura] would always warn me: “Be careful! You don’t want to end up in a Dominican Dick Chamber!” And now she’s in one and has not gotten out.
Laura: I’m still in the chamber. So, my sex life has been great. He does not listen to the podcast. And I like it that way.
Leah: The last guy — the devastating breakup guy — his friends would listen, but he wouldn’t. They wouldn’t tell him anything, though. I think they were scared. I would always be talking about how I wanted to toss his salad, and he wouldn’t let me. I’m sure they were like, “I can’t believe she’s out here talking about how she wants to lick his asshole. What’s wrong with her?” Then, the current guy, a couple days ago, he was like, “One of my best friends hit me up and said, ‘I found a gem!’”
I was like, “Oh yeah? What?”
He said, “Improper Etiquette.”
I’m like, “Fuck!”
It’s a risk that you both take, though. You’re not going to reserve yourselves.
Leah: No way. I mean, look, if something embarrassing happens to him during sex — like he couldn’t get it up — I wouldn’t talk about it on-air. I’m over here being like, “His dick never goes down!” Which is true, so…
He sounds like a champ.
Leah: Yeah, but he comes really quickly the first time, so we have to go five more times after that. But he can do it!
Did you have any reservations about diving so deeply into your sex lives on-air?
Laura: I did. I battle with it, because how the hell am I going to be talking about being in a Dominican Dick Chamber and then I’m doing all this community outreach work? I think about it in the back of my mind, because my whole career, I know that anything I say can be used against me. But then I’m also at a point where I just don’t give a fuck anymore. It’s a part of who I am, why should I be censoring myself all the time?
Leah: This is the stigma around sex, and it’s a problem. Why can’t a woman be sexually active, talk about her sex life, and at the same time be with the mayor doing [community] things?
Have you gotten any raunchy comments?
Leah: I got some dick pics. I was complaining that Laura got all the dick pics.
Laura: There was a point where all of my Instagram direct messages were just dicks after dicks after dicks. I would save these cocks on my phone, and on my girls group chat I would randomly send them in or email them.
Leah: And these are not pretty dicks, but they’re great for the gangbang.
Laura: I had a “cock folder” and would put them all in there. Then one day, my phone broke and I had to go to the Apple store and unlock the phone. I forgot about all the cocks. When I got it back, the guy working there had this weird look on his face. I was like, “Why were you looking at my pictures?” To this day, when I back up my stuff and sync my phone, dick pics pop up and my past comes back to haunt me. I had to explain it to my man. I said on the podcast, “Don’t send me any more cocks. Send them to Leah.” Then Leah got bombarded.
Who would wear the strap-on between the two of you?
Leah: Laura.
Laura: [Laughs] I probably would.
Leah: You would totally fuck me. I mean, I’d want to fuck you, but I think you would totally fuck me. She’d make me do all sorts of bad stuff. I’d totally be the submissive.
Laura: I’d probably grab her by her ponytail. I would walk you like a little poodle.
Leah: Just get me a pink leash. A Swarovski diamond-encrusted pink leash.
With a diamond bit.
Leah: Oh my God. I’m kind of into this.
Kathy Iandoli is a critically acclaimed journalist and author. Her work has appeared in Pitchfork, VICE, Maxim, O, Cosmopolitan, The Village Voice, Rolling Stone, and Billboard. She is coauthor of the book Commissary Kitchen with Mobb Deep’s late Albert “Prodigy” Johnson. … Ms. Iandoli also wrote a great book that you should wander through when you have time. If nothing else (and there will be much else), it will make you appreciate The Equalizer even more.
Leah McSweeney has of course written quite a bit for us, so feel free to enjoy some of her other observations. We do.
Every woman has a high-maintenance bitch inside her. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s what gives us our competitive edge and extremely soft skin. Have you ever noticed that the bigger the bitch, the softer the skin?
Dermatologists will tell us girls that we need to exfoliate, rinse, tone, and cleanse our face like it’s a laundry cycle, when really all it takes is embracing a bratty attitude every now and then.
You see, low-maintenance women are all about what you want, not what they want. Low-maintenance women internalize their feelings, and these feelings have nowhere to escape so they get clogged up in the pores, leaving the skin oily and rough. High-maintenance women make sure they get their way, which leaves them happy and refreshed. This gives them clear pores, resulting in baby-soft skin.
I don’t make the rules (and neither does science). God wrote the book, and from what I hear, She’s a real high-maintenance bitch.
The key is to find a woman who is 75 percent awesome and 25 percent high-maintenance. Scientifically — ahem! — speaking, there are six types of women in America, and here’s how to win an emotional fencing match with each of their inner high-maintenance bitches.
(Disclaimer: All the women described in this article are caricatures found only in bad romantic comedies.)
The High-Maintenance Alpha Female
The Alpha Female is great, because not only does she think she knows more than you, she does. She has two degrees, most likely in law and English literature, but only got the second one for “personal knowledge.” Her career is the most important thing in her life, so you better have a magic cock if you plan on changing that. Even then, the Alpha Female isn’t all about penis. She needs someone who meets, but doesn’t challenge, her own level of success. She will have you sign a prenuptial agreement, even if you make the same amount on paper. The Alpha Female doesn’t want to be told what to do, or how to do it, so when she comes home complaining about a horrible day at work, just listen, pour her a glass of wine, and say, “That sucks. I understand.” Don’t offer solutions to her problems. She’ll have already thought of (and vetoed) at least seven by the time she’s done telling you how stupid her coworkers are.
The High-Maintenance Socialite
The Socialite usually dwells in a big city. If you see her in a rural area, it’s because she’s been murdered and dumped in a field. (It’s the closest she’ll ever come to camping.) This woman is more like a girl. She feeds off the glow of her iPhone and has a mirrored case so she can check her makeup before she takes another selfie. You have to be a bit high-maintenance yourself to combat her vanity. Whether she’s from old money, new money, or just wants your money, she’ll never be satisfied. You are a dick until she wants something, then she’s sweet as pie. Most men reluctantly stay with a woman like this, insisting she has a “magic pussy” or something. Her pussy may be magical, but it ain’t special … because everyone has a magic pussy. (Have you seen what a pussy can do? They’re like the Criss Angel of the female anatomy.)
The only way to keep your sanity with this archetype is through discipline. No one stands up to this girl. Her parents spoiled her, and her friends in high school were all scared of her. She’s surrounded by “yes” men, and she is so bored. Alpha up and be the “no” in her life. She demands you pick her up when she’s done drinking with her girlfriends? Tell her to take an Uber. She wants to host a baby shower at your place? Think again. She needs your car? Nope, not that either. It’s like “time out” but for a grown-up woman.
The High-Maintenance Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master
You would think that the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master would be as low-maintenance as a betta fish, but she’s not. You can’t go out to eat because everything needs to be gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, farm-fresh, non-GMO, and on and on and on. If you’ve had a shitty day, she’ll blame it on your aura and suggest a shaman or Reiki and crystal healing. She does not wear lipstick (cruel to animals) or nail polish (toxic poison) and will blame everything on the universe. However, the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master can be fun. She’ll go camping with you, travel just about anywhere, and will experiment with freaky, mind-expanding drugs. She’s up for anything, especially if nature is involved. And though she may spend half the time talking to you about cloud formations, she’ll be down to fuck in the woods (you know, to be closer to Mother Earth). The best way to deal with the Yoga-Vegan-Zen Master is to meet on her level. Try the kombucha she insists is delicious. Go to that hot yoga class with her. She’ll respect the effort, even if you suck at it.
The High-Maintenance Homemaker
The Homemaker just wants to nest. She loves antiquing, thrifting, shopping, cooking, and even folding laundry. She is obsessively clean and finds joy in using a vacuum. She loves animals and children, and can’t wait to have a house full of them. The Homemaker has one dream and it’s very 1952: a nice suburban home, three kids, a dog, and a husband who brings home the bacon. She is more than happy to do everything domestic like childcare, gardening, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining a gorgeous, homey household. She’s old-fashioned that way. You handle the finances and keep a roof over her head, and she’ll keep filling it with stuff. Sound good? It is … but now that she’s made her home her purpose, she won’t let anyone mess it up. You’ll spend a month’s salary on Swiffer sheets and have to take your shoes off before setting foot inside. But, the Homemaker will never disappoint your dinner guests, so every meal will be made from scratch and taste like heaven. You’ll get fat and happy.
How do you land this girl? Luck of the draw. Five decades ago these babes were a dime a dozen, but now not many people even want a relationship like this. If you find her, hang on tight.
The High-Maintenance Country Girl
The Country Girl is about as low-maintenance as it gets. She grew up on a farm, so dirt, change, and hard work don’t bother her. She knows how to drive a truck, fly-fish, and butcher a chicken. The Country Girl played with knives, not dolls, and knows how to handle herself in a zombie apocalypse. She likes guns almost as much as horses, and her Beaumont-Adams is her favorite possession. The Country Girl grew up with five brothers and is treated like a princess by all the men in her family. Though she’s resilient and fun, she’s got a fiery temper. Her brothers were tough, and her father was tougher, so she has thick skin and a low tolerance for bullshit. The only high-maintenance people in this situation are all the guys she grew up with, so you should worry about impressing them. Don’t show up in clean sneakers. A real man doesn’t own clean sneakers.
The High-Maintenance Psycho [Hose Beast]
Never worth it. Run. Restraining orders suck, and you don’t need another gun rack.
By her own description, Mish Barber-Way is the smartest dumb blonde ever. She also fronts the band White Lung, loves bacon, and TYPING IN ALL CAPS.
Now having known and worked with Mish for a time, we would never question her authority or insights into much of anything, let alone women. … That said, we could provide some alternatives to high-maintenance objects of obsession, like maybe boats, or fantasy football, or even dedicating yourself to the quest for the perfect ice cream. Honestly, there may be less heartache.
A big debate in the military community returned with a fury in late summer, in full unwoke rage. In a series of tweets sent from a golden toilet, President Trump announced his administration would be banning transgender citizens from military service—as well as removing trans folks already in the military. (Somewhere between 4,000 and 15,000 service members, according to various media estimates.)
This announcement caught the Pentagon off guard, and as of press time, it’s still murky whether or not Trump’s trans ban will receive any follow-through, let alone implementation. (The Department of Defense announced that it did not consider Twitter an official communication channel for the commander in chief and thus would be waiting for something more official.) To Trump proponents, this executive freelancing with directives shows initiative and the prodding of large, slothful institutions, I guess. To Trump detractors, it again shows a man unwilling or unable to understand basic government practices.
Openly trans citizens have been able to serve in the military only since late in Obama’s second term, a decision that was met then with some outcry and push-back. A percentage of the objections seemed measured enough: concerns and questions about unit cohesion, morale, oversight ability, financial costs. Critics also sought specifics concerning gender reassignment surgeries and their impact upon the mission, etc.
Other objections skewed more toward the drunk-uncle-at-Thanksgiving variety: “I don’t want someone who gets their dick chopped off protecting me, har har har.” Add to this suggestions that transgender people are mentally unwell, and, my personal favorite, the assertion that military isn’t a social experiment. (Usually accompanied by an exclamation point and a meme with a giant-ass American flag in it.)
Practicality vs. Unwoke
The military isn’t a social experiment? What the hell else would you call an organized force designed to let young people kill and get killed for the ideas, ideals, and politics of their home country/older people? Hell yeah, the military is a social experiment. So was riding a horse into battle, using a musket, integrated units, allowing women to serve, and ending conscription, once upon a time.
Organized violence with rules like the Geneva Convention is itself a social experiment. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but personally I’m glad for it—I like being able to walk down the block to Starbucks to type out my monthly rage-screeds for Penthouse without the fear of rival hunter-gatherer Cody the Caveman spiking me over the head with his club.
Anyhow, back to transgender citizens and the military. Stereotypes be damned, it’s not easy to become an American soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine. Especially nowadays. To wit: Something like one-third of American young people would be too overweight to join the military, according to a 2015 report by the nonpartisan nonprofit Mission Readiness. By my napkin math, that’s roughly 25 million people.
Simply put, America is not in a position to be kicking out able-bodied young people, especially ones with combat experience and for whom hundreds of thousands of training dollars have already been invested.
Meanwhile, Trump’s transgender ban seeks to kick out that aforementioned 4,000 to 15,000 service members already serving, as well as bar entry to an unknown number of potential future recruits. (Considering how recently trans citizens were allowed to join the military, it’d be foolhardy to even try an estimate at how many would/will join in future years.)
Those 4,000 to 15,000 trans service members have already met all physical, mental, and moral thresholds placed in front of them. They’ve met the standard. Isn’t that all that’s supposed to matter in the military? That’s what I learned in the Army. It didn’t matter what your skin color was, what god you worshipped, how much money your parents had, or how you preferred getting your rocks off. Meet the standard? You’re in. Don’t? See you later, thanks for trying.
This isn’t about national security, no matter what Trump or his gobbler-chinned robber barons may argue. It’s more us-versus-them hatred and preying upon a vulnerable community, because that’s what this president does.
Unwoke Denial
If President Trump really cares about bettering our youth and military, he’d look into former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! exercise campaign for young people. I don’t know how much it really changed, but at least it was something. At least it tried to defy the narrative that our kids are destined to be oversized and vacant-brained.
Not trying to pick on the overweight here—leave your body-shaming at the gate, you barbarians!—but yes, we want our young soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines fit. More broadly, it’s important to remember that getting into (and staying in) the military is no automatic, whether the young recruit’s going to be a cook or a spec ops snake-eater. And the physical standards are just one part of it—mental health, moral strength, the whole enchilada matters.
We are going on year 17 of the Global War on Terror. There is no end in sight, and if anything, it seems like the war gets bigger and more protracted with each passing day. More generational, to borrow Senator John McCain’s term. Simply put, America is not in a position to be kicking out able-bodied young people, especially ones with combat experience and for whom hundreds of thousands of training dollars have already been invested. It’s not just unwoke, it’s impractical. And it’s not just a betrayal of our better angels. It’s fucking stupid.
The continuing separation of America from its military is a dangerous game for a republic. And make no mistake about it: Barring transgender citizens from service during wartime only aggravates that.
Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood (Atria/Simon & Schuster).
Not to put too fine of a point on it, but this article ran in the magazine in November of 2017, and we decided to run it online today because of our recent Presidential election. Given the past political week – what renown professor Scott Galloway has already called “The Testosterone Election” (CNN, Smerconish, November 9, 2024) – it may be interesting to see where the unwoke majority and core family first proponents take us. Seems like someone suggested, “May we live in interesting times.” … Curse or not, being boring sucks. … Should you be curious, on a completely unrelated topic, that November, 2017, issue also featured an article entitled, “Thank God for Sluts Paving the Way Toward Sexual Freedom.” We do not all prioritize the same way, you see.
