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Here’s the way it goes with your fantasy Girl Next Door. (Remember, we are always here to help.) … So … Continue reading “Girl Next Door Cam Fantasies”
Here’s the way it goes with your fantasy Girl Next Door. (Remember, we are always here to help.) … So … Continue reading “Girl Next Door Cam Fantasies”
Tana Douglas was just 16 years old when she took her first job as a roadie with AC/DC. As the world’s first female roadie, she’s worked with some of the best known, most loved and infamous rock ’n’ roll bands. Her career spans more than 30 years and three continents. She now lives in California, and as she launches her first book, Loud, she speaks to Penthouse about her past, music, bands she loved — and loathed — life lessons and forgiving her mother.
It was tricky! I didn’t have any diaries to work from, so I found myself jumping back and forth between tours, trying to make sense of it all. It’s not an easy job making my story digestible for people to read and follow. I started writing and messed around for about a year. I put it down for a year and a half, and then came back to it. So, the whole process took about two and a half years.
Yes! I converted a room into a writing room. There were Post-It Notes stuck all over the walls. I kept putting bits in and moving them around. It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle! It was strange, reliving it all, but it’s like free therapy.
Run! No, but as strange as it may sound, it was the safest place for me to be at the time. Sure, parts of it were dark and sordid. People think, “These road crew people are rough. They drink a lot, do drugs. They’re on the road the whole time. They womanize.” But these bands took me in and adopted me, in a way. A lot were very protective of me. Although they weren’t aware of quite how young I was, right back at the beginning. There was a nurturing quality to them that they don’t admit to very often. It’s certainly not the side that people see. For me, it was a safe place to land. I could still be in Kings Cross [a red-light district in Australia], if I would even still be alive.
Yes, when I was four, I was taken from the only home I’d ever known in Brisbane in the middle of the night. My mother woke up me and my half-sister and said, “We’re leaving. We can never be happy here.”
Well, as children we thought we were happy. No further explanation was given. We were just woken up, and we left my father asleep in bed. It all went downhill rather quickly from there.
My mother wasn’t stable; she had a lot of demons. She had a really serious road accident in her 20s, and we think that caused a lot of mental damage. It’s the only thing I can identify that I can use to justify her behavior. There’s no other excuse for her.
It all shaped my worldview. Growing up in that kind of turmoil, it makes it really difficult as you grow up. You have no clue about relationships. I didn’t know what a relationship was meant to be, or what a family is supposed to be like. In many ways, AC/DC — Malcolm and Angus [Young] especially — became like my family. A road crew is like a family unit; it made me feel safe. My father did try to fix me, but I was 11 by then and I was quite feral! He was saying, “Oh my God, let’s put her in a boarding school. Let’s try this or that.” I suspect he didn’t know how deep the damage was.
Yes, from a very young age. Janis Joplin, The Animals, The Stones — listening to music on a radio or stereo. When I listened to The Animals sing: “We’ve got to get out of this place,” I thought, Well, hell yes, sign me up.
Her music is heart-wrenching, and I suppose I saw her as a bit of a role model — not that that’s a good thing in many ways. But she stood up for herself. She was a fighter. If I had any role model at that point, it would be her. I was always drawn to darker music because it reflected my life. I was never one for poppy, happy songs!
I’d come out of the rain forest, which was very not me. I was a little too organized, and I needed to be progressing in life. I ended up in Kings Cross. I adapted easily. I do tend to adapt well, and I found myself getting very sucked in to the scene there, very quickly.
Yes! Some of the strangest characters that you wouldn’t think had a soft side, but they took me in like a lost kitten. Terry the Kid was one of the Sydney mob who took a shine to me. He would take me to posh restaurants, like I’d gone to with my dad, and he’d order Bombe Alaska, which I loved. And he took me to Randwick Racecourse, which I always enjoyed.
I had a lucky escape from a pimp, who was a really nasty piece of work. He basically decided I should be one of his girls. He had a group of very young girls, and I mean very young. I talked to them and befriended them. When he kidnapped me at gunpoint, he decided he was going to shoot me up with heroin, and I was to be one of his working girls. That was my signal. Something inside me just knew: “I’ve got to get out of this place.” And that was the change that got me into music.
When I think about it, if that pimp hadn’t kidnapped me, and I hadn’t gotten scared and decided I had to make a change, I doubt I’d still be alive. Those young working girls don’t last long, unfortunately. So, I doubt I would have ever made it out of there alive. Plus, he was actually knocking off his girls, which I write about in my book, too.
They were still in the process of writing their first album. I was the band’s first backline roadie, which meant looking after the stage equipment, instruments and vocals for Bon [Scott] when rehearsing. The bond is so strong between us because we were all so young. It leaves an imprint on you. I was a very young girl, who’d run away from home. We were all learning, and that bond lasts a lifetime. Those guys will always have a special place in my heart; I couldn’t get rid of it, even if I wanted to. I’m so grateful, looking back. It could have been a very different situation. I mean, it’s not always good living in a house with musicians! But we had a family bond that was stronger than any of that side of band life.
Absolutely. Any time I’ve crossed paths with them over the decades, it’s been like stepping back into the same old shoes. It’s just there. And it’s something that I’m really grateful for.
I think the bonding times, especially when it was just the five of us — Malcolm, Angus, Bon, George [Young] with Harry [Vanda] coming back and forth. We’d sit around and listen to music for hours and hours, and talk about how it made us feel. Malcolm especially was very generous that way. He and Angus once put on Elvis Presley’s “Heartbreak Hotel.” I ran from the room screaming, “No!” The only thing I’d seen of Elvis in my childhood was those horrible movies. “I can’t listen to this,” I said as I ran away.
Malcolm must have got up early to go to a record store because he came back home with a record that wasn’t widely released. It was called Insane Asylum by Kathi McDonald. He chose [the title] track, a version of “Heartbreak Hotel,” because she’d worked with Janis Jopin. And, specifically, he chose that song because he knew I’d relate to it. He said, “I want you to listen to this,” sat me down, played it, and I said, “I love it!” He said, “That album’s for you to keep.” Those sort of moments, when someone goes out of their way for you like that, they stay with you forever.
At that time, yes. It was rough and ready! It was incredibly healthy. There were pubs everywhere. You could do 12 or 14 shows a week. When we were working, the manager, Michael, said, “Right, let’s put these guys to work.” And we did! I can still hear us playing at the Matthew Flinders Hotel on a Sunday afternoon. There would be over a thousand people watching. It was wild and woolly, you know! The Bondi Lifesaver was a bit trendier; the clientele were a bit more, how should I say, diversified. It was known as the wife-swapper. We looked at each other at one point and said, “We’ve done really well. We sold out four nights in a row.” AC/DC were a power to be reckoned with, that’s for sure.
They certainly changed over the years. When Phil [Rudd] joined from Angry Anderson’s band [Buster Brown] that was a whole new scene. We toughened up pretty quickly! And you know, just because those fans had enjoyed seeing Phil in Buster Brown, didn’t mean they’d love him in AC/DC. And then, in country towns, guys had worked hard on those ranches since they were little. They don’t tend to like strange men coming into town and messing with their women! It’s not every day you have a knock-down fight with Deep Purple. Those things stay with you.
That was after I’d worked with AC/DC, the first time I’d worked with a woman. And I think it was the first time Suzi had a woman working with her. It was funny to watch the male audience members. There were grown men passing out. Oh, the memories of that! One time, at the Pavilion, the guys were passing young men onto the stage who’d been overcome by Suzi’s presence. Remember, there were no crush barriers in those days, so the guys would pick them up and pass them to the side. There was one guy lying in a hallway, and everyone was like, “What shall we do with him?” I was standing over him as he came round. He said, “Ohhhh, Suzi,” and passed out again. I was wearing a leather jacket, but if he was so far gone that he thought I was Suzi, he wasn’t with it! Somewhere, he probably still tells the story today about when he came round at a concert to see Suzi Quatro standing over him.
We threw a party for the Wings tour; it lasted three days! The neighborhood was a little over it by the end. All the Australian crew, the U.S. crew, the U.K. crew, then various members of bands turned up. Jimmy McCulloch, then the brass section of the band. It just kept growing. The police arrived, and we just said, “It’s a party for the Wings tour,” and they blocked off traffic to the street! The neighbors had been complaining for days, but the cops just blocked off the traffic. It was quite the bash, and you know, several people from that party have remained lifelong friends.
Well, three days well forgotten!
Life on tour gets very surreal. You’re living in a bubble. You lose touch with reality; there is no reality. These tours go on for 12 or 18 months, and if it’s a good team fit, you do it all again. You build up a tight affinity with each other. You don’t let outsiders in. If you know you can all rely on each other, you close the doors. You don’t like a stranger coming in, unless someone knows them and vouches for them. I got to the point where I didn’t bother to learn names. I’d automatically turn off and think, What’s the point of remembering, I’m never going to see them again. I still find myself doing it to this day. I’m still really bad with names. It’s a false world you’re living in.
It’s really hard to adapt to coming out of it. Lots of musicians have serious mental health problems. With road crew professionals, you’ll find many have a hard time with their wives, partners, families or siblings. You’re so close to your bandmates, and then all of a sudden you’re thrust back into a world that’s alien.
There are organizations these days to address these issues, but back then there was no support. Remember, we’re alpha personalities. We don’t like saying, “I’m hurting,” or, “I can’t do this,” probably because we know if we do say that, someone else will come in and take our place. On tour, life doesn’t slow down.
It was the only priority to me! It was, without doubt, my highest priority. I never wanted more money, or anything financially precious. I just wanted more; I knew there was more out there, and I wanted to discover it all. I wanted to experience different cultures.
It hasn’t stopped! I haven’t stopped moving on! I’m somewhere for a few years, and then I want to continue learning. There’s forever more out there.
Status Quo is one of my darling bands, above most others. They were such fun to work with. Again, it was like a family unit. We built our own systems and worked with them directly, so that broke away another layer of separation. They’re funny guys, and they were at their peak. They were having a ball, loving the shows, loving their music, loving their fans. I worked with them at the perfect time. There’s a magic when a band’s first forming. They’re still fresh and so vibrant. I don’t like working for old, jaded bands, and, unfortunately, there are a lot out there!
There was some guy at a show in the U.K., who was trying to get backstage at Iggy’s show. The guy didn’t have a pass. In fact, it was a prime example of me being bad with names. I got back to the dressing room and said, “He says he’s supposed to be here,” but I couldn’t remember his name. They asked, “What does he look like?” I said, “Kind of average, kind of old.” “What do you mean by old, how old?” they asked. “At least 27 or 28,” I replied. Then I realized that’s how old they all were. That was my cue to leave!
Getting pregnant wasn’t something that was in the cards, you know. It was terrifying to be honest. I got on a plane from Europe to Australia, and I fell apart. I didn’t know where to turn. I thought that Australia was at least the only place where I had a bit of support. I hadn’t seen my mother since I started working with AC/DC. We’d spoken, but I hadn’t seen her. I’d spent all my time around guys, and I had no one to talk to. I knew it would be a deal-breaker for my career. It was a huge decision to make, all of a sudden. I didn’t know how well equipped I would be to handle a family of my own. I didn’t want to deal with the father. But I had my son, and my mother decided it would be a good idea [for her] to raise him. We agreed that I would continue to work in Europe and support them both. It didn’t work out.
I thought she was better; I thought she didn’t drink anymore. She had a bigger place. I got her settled. She had a garden and was cooking and doing all sorts of things I hadn’t seen her do before. I’d heard stories about grandparents being closer to grandchildren than [their kids], and maybe it was just wishful thinking. Unfortunately, she still saw it as a way to torture me.
Just because someone’s a parent, loving them isn’t obligatory. I understand there’s natural DNA, but that only goes so far. I can only speak from my own experience, but you have to decide if you’re prepared to love someone without any boundaries. I got to a place where I finally forgave her for what she did to me and my son. What’s that saying? Seek revenge, and you should dig two graves, one for yourself. Finally, I realized I had to let it go. I came to as much peace as I could find. But let me say, it wasn’t easy.
I worked with Elton for four years, which were during his difficult years. He went through a really rough patch. He threw great parties. People used to loving doing his tours for the eye candy because you never knew who was going to turn up. But he’s just not my kind of person. I’m not a fancy dresser. I don’t drive expensive cars. I don’t eat with gold cutlery. There’s a side to him that’s really nice, and that’s flourished later in life. He’s got a family now. He seems happy with his husband [David Furnish] and children [Zachary, 10, and Elijah, 8, who were born via surrogate in the U.S.]. At the time I worked with him, you couldn’t have paid me any amount of money to do another tour with him. So, it makes me happy to see he’s come through it.
Yoko came onstage at Madison Square Garden to commemorate John. She had Sean with her. It was a big deal then. There were lots of security men in black around, maybe a dozen. They came up onstage with her. Remember her husband had been shot, and she had his child with her. I had a sweet moment with him, little Sean. They were dragging him up the steps, and his shoelaces were undone. I grabbed him, put him on my knee and started doing up his laces. All these men in black swarmed around shouting, “Freeze.” I said, “His laces are undone.” Sean smiled, gave me a hug, said thank you, and they whisked him up onstage.
We roadies don’t mess around! We don’t have time for red tape. We just do the job. If anyone asks you do something, you just figure out how to do it. We find solutions. Management companies and agents, they’re the ones going through emails and contracts. When I was asked if I could get INXS, I said sure. I spoke to people I knew and made it happen. It’s just how you do it. You reach out to a friend. That’s just how we roll!
Yes, and it’s not a full list. It’s just a short list of people who have passed from within the industry and are relevant to the stories told in the book. Each chapter has a song title, which gives you some idea about what’s going to happen in that chapter. I also included a playlist. My book basically gives the reader broad coverage of three decades of music. I really hope people enjoy it.
LOUD: A Life in Rock ‘n’ Roll by the World’s First Female Roadie | Tana Douglas (ABC Books, $34.99). Buy the ebook via Apple. Should your tech be evolved beyond analog amps, you can also grab LOUD for your Kindle. As an unsolicited endorsement, we can tell you that at least one of the Kindle people here really enjoyed the “Loud” ride.
Welcome, Alain! The Quo initiation for a photographer new to our group, Alain le Garsmeur. Meanwhile I’m try to call the show.
For more Roadie Tales, you may look behind one of our other Penthouse Doors. Handy, that.
Sex acts and fetishizing body parts go in and out of vogue in pop culture. In the ’90s, we were all about blowjobs and big boobs, but these days, we’re all about the booty. Bums aren’t just having a moment, though — our obsession with the ass runs deep and has reached fever pitch. Welcome to 2021, where having a shapely derriere is in fashion, anal sex is mainstream and rimming is the new second base. We’re in the age of the ass, and there’s no escaping it. Not that we’d want to.
Whether it’s the “forbidden fruit” taboo aspect of sticking our tongue in someone’s backdoor, the potential for both pain and pleasure that can come with a touch of backdoor sex, or the simple fact that we like to admire butts, so it’s expected that we would want to touch them — asses have a universal desirability among both men and women.
A survey conducted by The Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2010 found that 40 percent of women aged 20 to 24 had tried anal sex, up from 16 percent in previous years. More recently, a 2017 study of more than 3,000 sexually active Millennials found that 36 percent engaged in female anal sex and 15 percent in male anal sex “at least some of the time.” One 2018 study published in the journal of the American Sexually Transmitted Diseases Association even suggested that “anal sex is more common than having a Twitter account in the United States.”
PornHub data also shows that the number of searches for “anal” increased by a massive 120 percent from 2009 to 2015, suggesting that our obsession with watching anal action is continually growing. Especially in Russia. Apparently, internet porn users in Russia are more likely to search for videos featuring anal sex than people from any other country.
Prolific porn star Asa Akira even once tweeted, “Ass is the new pussy.”
But it’s not just porn (and the Russians) that are focused on the female derriere, though — asses have also heavily infiltrated pop culture. Throughout the late ’90s and early 2000s, we all gawked at Jennifer Lopez’s ass like it was a mystical creature, yet a decade later, celebrities and influencers are tripping over themselves in an attempt to get the biggest, roundest bum.
We see anal sex and rimjob references in TV shows and movies like Narcos, Sex and the City, Broad City, Bad Santa, Girls and How to Get Away with Murder. Butts have also had a long history of being idolized in song, from Queen’s 1978 ass anthem “Fat Bottomed Girls,” to 1992’s “Baby Got Back” and Nicki Minaj famously singing, “Somebody point me to the best ass-eater” in the song “Dance (A$$)” by Big Sean, and in “Anaconda” she sings “toss my salad like his name Romaine.” Hell, popular musician Flume was even filmed eating ass on stage at Burning Man in 2019.
In the last few years, there’s also been a shift in sex toy companies focusing on more creative and ergonomic toys for anal play. Anal toys come in various forms now and often include vibrators and various attachments, with some having the ability to be controlled remotely via apps. You can buy lubes specifically designed for anal use. And interest in pegging and strap-ons for straight couples has been increasing.
Forrest Andrews, a product developer at Aneros, the world’s first dedicated prostate massage maker, said, “The market for prostate products has been steadily on the rise.” A decade ago, sex toy shop Babeland only carried a few prostate-focused toys, but today they stock almost 30 different models by a bunch of different companies.
Just for fun, we looked up the history of butts on Google, and you might be amazed and the number of responses returned (566,000,000). We liked the Allure article the most, probably, but we did not quite make it through that entire list, truth be told. Mostly we all sat back in wonder and awe upon reflection of the modern world. Before Google, you see, one would have had to use a card catalog at the local library to do a search like this, which would be a bit like using a screwdriver to paint your car. Proper tools are important, as you may learn someday in your own lives. Then a few of us spent the next few minutes trying to explain to all the younger members of our group what a card catalog was — and a library. We’ll leave out that part of the conversation, because there may have been a lot of cursing.
The bottom line (according to Ms. Wee) would be: We’re in an anal revolution — no ifs or ands … just butts. Ya bum.
[Please NOTE that the opinions of the author in no way represent those of Penthouse itself. Editorials exist so that people may share their point of view freely — if not always particularly sanely. -Ed.] Continue reading “Anne Boleyn”
Herb says his interest in photography coincided with the birth of his first child in the mid-’90s and adds, “I had the opportunity to restore an unused darkroom in our house and spent countless hours down there in the cellar, developing film and printing my pictures.”
His passion for photography was driven by the need to be creative, yet he says he lacked traditional artistic skills and admits, “I struggled to learn five chords on the guitar, totally failed to learn the piano and have no skills in painting.”
Instead, he turned to photography, using light to paint the beautiful muses that are his canvases. “In the beginning, I just wanted to take pictures,” Schatten says. “A big game-changer for me was seeing that interesting light is the key to presenting something differently. This holds particularly true for nude photography, which is all about mood and lighting for me.”
For Schatten, the appeal is in showcasing sensuality, rather than sex appeal. “As you get older, the pure sexual side of the female form gets less interesting. I’m always searching for the underlying beauty as well as the potency and power of women. You can see naked bodies everywhere but present a woman in a way where she has a secret, and the guys go crazy. They’re always craving the forbidden fruit.”
When it comes to the type of models he prefers to shoot, he says, “I don’t have any strong preferences, but I tend to lean toward models older than 25 or 30. These women often have a more intense body expression when compared to younger models.”
When asked if he has ever had a muse, Schatten’s quietly coy. “This question makes me smile. I have photographed one particular woman over and over again, but I never published any pictures of her. She’s a teacher and obviously nude photographs on social media aren’t OK with her line of work. We are always joking that she is my muse, which is to some extent not that unfounded, as she really inspires me.”
The secret to a great photo?
“A photograph must not reveal everything. There has to be some kind of hidden part, a secret, or even something mysterious. This is what draws and keeps the viewers’ attention.”
You would expect a photographer to have an Instagram account, and you would be correct here. Somewhat surprisingly, though, Herb Shatten has a compelling YouTube channel as well. Based on the update frequency it appears that this may have been another on the road of artistic interpretations, although that does not diminish its impact in the slightest.
For the record, art photographers can get away with a lot more on Instagram than we ever could.
The 42-year-old New Orleans Saints quarterback, who started his career with the San Diego Chargers, announced on Instagram that he would retire after an epic 20 seasons.
Brees posted, “After 20 years as a player in the NFL and 15 years as a Saint, it is time I retire from the game of football. Each day, I poured my heart and soul into being your quarterback. ‘Til the very end, I exhausted myself to give everything I had to the Saints organization, my team and the great city of New Orleans. We shared some amazing moments together, many of which are emblazoned in our hearts and minds and will forever be a part of us.
“You have molded me, strengthened me, inspired me and given me a lifetime of memories. My goal for the last 15 years was striving to give to you everything you had given to me and more. I am only retiring from playing football; I am not retiring from New Orleans. This is not goodbye, rather a new beginning. Now my real life’s work begins!”
Fellow NFL quarterback Tom Brady said, “Congrats, my friend, on an incredible career. Thank you for the inspiration and dedication on and off the field! Look forward to seeing what’s next.”
What’s next for Brees, to start, will be a broadcasting job with NBC Sunday Night Football. Though he’s leaving the field, Brees also leaves behind plenty of career accomplishments worth cheering about.
We could start by praising him for being the NFL’s all-time leader in career passing yards at 80,358.
We could then congratulate him on ranking second all-time in touchdown passes at 571, with a completion percentage of 67.7 percent. It’s worth noting when it comes to that stat, he’s second only to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Brady.
Bear in mind, his is also a story of triumph. Brees had a successful football career at Purdue University, but he wasn’t widely recruited by NFL teams because he wasn’t considered tall enough by typical quarterback standards — even though he stands at six feet.
At one point, he was off the field with a shoulder injury that was so bad his entire NFL future was in doubt. But, like all of the most inspirational winners, he refused to give up. He persisted, trained hard and never lost his focus, going on to completely rewrite the NFL record books.
He leaves the game having successfully become one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.
And, most of all, he won hearts after his 2006 arrival in the Big Easy when he helped revive the Saints franchise — and the city of New Orleans — in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. [While this article came via our wonderful friends at Australian Penthouse, we really do need to step in here and point out that in all their faithful research, they sorta forgot to mention that Mr. Brees also won a SUPER BOWL for the city (XLIV) — once taunted as “The Aints” around the NFL. Yeah, we know: details, details… -Ed.]
Brees’ name is now synonymous with establishing a winning culture — and he’ll forever be remembered for all he’s done for his team and his community. [Stepping in again. Sorry. Australia is a long way away from New Orleans, so we understand how they might be unaware, but a big part of what Drew Brees has done for the community was the formation of The Brees Dream Foundation using his own name as the URL. Heck, that might be even more important than 80,358 passing yards. Who can say? We did feel it significant to mention, however. -Ed.]
On a more pure sports note, and at the risk of subjecting you to the overwhelming advertisement, popup, visually-assualting hell that is the modern “major company” website, CBS Sports did in fact run an excellent article on some of the most extraordinary sports aspects of the career of this once cast off hero. Just try to focus on the words; that would be our advice.
As a post-footnote thought, however, we do have one final reflection. Don’t you wonder if when Brees walked into the Saints building for the last time to announce his retirement he said, “Well now, just call me the breeze; I keep blowing down the road?” … For the record, a slight possiblity exists that we wonder different things than most people around here.
Whatever one’s views on the virtues or otherwise of the modern Roman Catholic Church, it can’t be denied that today’s breed of popes are a fairly well-behaved bunch. Popes, by and large, act in the way in which popes are expected to act. But it was not always thus: For quite a large chunk of the church’s history, it seemed as if popes were selected exclusively from the ranks of humanity’s most dedicated and energetic scoundrels, cheats, thieves, fornicators and murderers. Indeed, it was often their talents for corruption and violence that won them the papacy in the first place — and once in, they weren’t shy about deploying every dirty trick at their disposal to stay there. It was in this atmosphere, in the late ninth century, that the church hit a real high point, when one pope had the corpse of another one dug up so he could put it on trial, in what became known as the Cadaver Synod.
Between the years 872 and 965, more than two dozen popes came to power — and more often than not, left again with all possible speed. The jockeying for the top job resembled a roller derby, and it was in this fevered climate that Pope Formosus grabbed the big chair, amid accusations he had attempted to undermine his predecessor and execute a coup. He was also accused of dodgy dealings when he was a bishop — fortunately, today, the idea of a bishop behaving immorally is unthinkable, but back then it was quite common.
Part of a pope’s job in the Dark Ages was political intrigue, and Formosus participated enthusiastically, inviting Duke Arnulf of Carinthia to invade Italy and crowning him Holy Roman Emperor — a much coveted title that nobody ever quite understood. Such actions made Formosus plenty of enemies, all of whom were pretty pleased when, five years into his reign, Formosus Poped his clogs in 896.
Formosus was succeeded by Pope Boniface VI, who disappointed his many fans by dying about two weeks later. Boniface was succeeded by Stephen VI, who decided his first order of business would be to make clear to everyone that Formosus’s shenanigans would not be tolerated. In January 897, seven months after Formosus’s death, Stephen VI had the ex-pope exhumed and brought to the papal court for judgment.
The body of Formosus was propped up on a throne, and everyone did their best to ignore the smell, which must have been pretty overwhelming, even for a historical period known for its utter lack of hygiene. The man was in no condition to answer questions, of course, so a deacon was appointed to answer for him, and, to make his job easier, given the answers beforehand. After a series of questions from Stephen, such as “When you were bishop of Porto, why did you usurp the universal Roman See in such a spirit of ambition?” — which left the corpse embarrassingly flummoxed. Formosus was pronounced guilty, a verdict which most neutral observers agreed was entirely fair. He was stripped of his vestments, all of his acts and ordinations were declared invalidated, and the fingers of his right hand that he had used for blessings were cut off before the much abused body was thrown in the River Tiber.
Incredibly, after the Cadaver Synod, Pope Stephen found his decision to dig up a dead body and put it on trial led to a dip in his popularity, especially after Formosus washed up on the riverbank and, according to witnesses, began to perform miracles. Stephen was deposed, imprisoned and strangled by year’s end, maintaining the continuous action of the Vatican’s revolving door.
In December 897, Pope Theodore II annulled the Cadaver Synod and ordered Formosus be reburied in Saint Peter’s Basilica. Later, Pope John IX convened a synod which prohibited trials of corpses, thus dashing hopes that Catholicism would stay this entertaining forever. But history buffs will forever have the Cadaver Synod to hold on to: a reminder not only of a time when the most powerful men in the world thought cross-examining corpses was a reasonable use of their time, but of the fact that history, by and large, is much more insane than most people think.
Not that we’re saying you should ever take the “word” of any exhaulted religious leader without a healthy dose of salt. Understanding that, you may consider the New Advent version of Formosus’ history. Just remember that salt itself has an austere Biblical history, should religious research become your lot.
Finis.
Colin Burn redefined the meaning of high-end sex toys when he made headlines in 2018 after creating the world’s most expensive adult plaything: a $1.8 million platinum vibrator encrusted with 2,000 flush-set diamonds and topped with royal-blue sapphires and rare pink diamonds.
Throughout his three-decade career as a fine art jeweler, Burn’s work has received accolades from the Australian and Japanese governments, as well as leading Australian sporting groups, which has helped him forge a successful career. We spoke to Burn about the impetus behind his art, his unique online museum — Treasure the Erotic — and essentially, how an apprentice electroplater from Perth, Australia, came to design some of the world’s most opulent and aspirational sex toys.
My career commenced in Perth as an apprentice electroplater, [utilizing] the science of coating base metals with protective metals like chrome, silver or gold. After graduating, I moved to Sydney and worked for a silverware-making company owned by the renowned Australian jewelers Angus & Coote. Working at the factory inspired me to advance my precious metalworking skills into fine jewelery making. I moved back to Perth and commenced experimenting with the idea of coating natural elements with precious metals. This process is a difficult science that took me two full years of trial and error before inventing my own unique formula to master the technique. This inspired me to start my first jewelery company, “Kristen Leigh,” in 1985 (named after my daughter, who was born that year). The unique jewelery I was creating was made from real flowers and leaves that I would coat in pure gold and often set with precious gems.
Over the years, my commercial work became well-recognized and used as national gifts by the Australian government, which led to interest from the Japanese government. In 1993, I was selected by JETRO — a Japanese government organization that assists trade between countries — and taken to Japan to participate in their prestigious Export to Japan Study Program. This limited and hand-selected program commenced a lifelong love affair with Japan and further inspired me to create a wider variety of fine jewelery for the Japanese market. In 1997, I moved to Broome, setting up a retail jewelery store, and continued to create jewelery for my Japanese clients using Broome South Sea pearls. In 2004 after a cheeky dinner conversation with friends, I hatched the idea of making a luxury gold vibrator. Always up for a creative challenge, I set about making the first prototype, which quickly led to a full-fledged business concept of creating luxury adult products for the Japanese market.
This concept came from my time spent in Japan. I became fascinated with the art of Hokusai, perhaps the most famous of Japanese artists. His shunga woodblock print “The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife,” depicting two octopuses making love to a Japanese pearl diver, seemed to have spurred a sexual fantasy culture within Japan called Tentacle Erotica. It seemed prolific in many of the manga magazines and in erotic Japanese movies. This concept inspired me to create my gold, pearl and diamond sculpture “Hokusai Dreaming” as a depiction of this famous Hokusai print. I wanted to pay homage to this powerful work depicting the sensual culture of the Japanese people, who are deeply connected to the ocean.
Treasure the Erotic is an extravagant and opulent exhibition of symbolic erotic artworks created by myself and Aaron McPolin — having over 50 of the world’s most opulent and expensive erotic artworks, each provoking and challenging the audience to consider how they value and honor their own eroticism.
As artists, we feel in our modern society explicit pornography seems to have claimed the forefront of the sexual narrative, overshadowing eroticism and its important nuances [and] leading to a misunderstanding and often a devaluing of the erotic.
Our Treasure the Erotic museum offers a metaphorical insight into various erotic realms, each emphasizing these nuances of sensuality and eroticism that the viewer may have never encountered or considered to explore. We address these realms through photographic narratives and exquisite jewelery sculptures, each crafted from the finest quality materials, which establish a symbolic distinction of genuine worth that simply cannot be devalued — no matter the individual’s personal opinion or viewpoint toward each object. I think the works are best described as luxury trophies to the erotic, held aloft like ceremonial swords paying homage to various fetishes, taboo ideals and practices of human eroticism.
For me, they exist as symbols of the erotic, more like ceremonial swords rather than a simple tool of pleasure. They are in themselves art, commenting upon society as totems with symbolic significance. Through luxury and art, we value our clothes and our cars, so why not our sexuality? I find it bizarre to think that we do not always place the highest value on our most intimate practice, to be human is to be erotic, to love is to be intimate and vulnerable, to value and trust another. It seems society has evolved to forget past monuments to our fertility, gods of fertility and ritual fertility ceremonies and practices; it’s as if we have somehow lost our way. I see erotic artworks as a testament, a shining light to those who feel lost, to reengage society in the value of their own and one another’s eroticism, rather than shunning sexuality down dark alleyways, behind closed doors, or by denouncement of others who choose to explore what they crave, desire and need to connect with others and themselves.
Yes, of course, all artwork is subjective. We find that when discussing the erotic, it often puts a mirror to the viewer. They can accept, confront or dismiss what we are projecting through the artwork, but more often we see a positive reaction to the artwork, once people see past the objectification and more into the symbolism and important narrative that the work denotes. The viewer simply wants to know more. It opens up many questions they may have been unwilling to ask without the artwork opening the door for them to do so. There are also those who are dismissive of the art or derogatory toward it. That’s OK, too. The artwork is there to confront their values, whatever they may be. Usually their reaction is simply an exposure and bringing to light perhaps fixated, stagnant and regressive beliefs and preconceived ideas to shun eroticism, to hide eroticism and also to be ashamed of what we are as people. We encourage everyone to interpret the art in their own way. The artworks are purely martyrs to encourage a dialogue about our eroticism, whatever that may be.
My metal of choice is 24 karat yellow gold, and my favorite gem is the Australian South Sea pearl. Of course, in my work I use a multitude of fine materials, including various golds and the
gold is soft and has such beautiful flow with rich color, and the South Sea pearl has such a smooth texture and rich luster. When you incorporate these two materials, it’s pure joy. Both of these elements come from Western Australia, which makes it even more special for me.
Most of my works have been dildo sculptures, as I find them to be a more organic and historic as art objects and less commercial like a vibrator, which is more a mechanical object. However, for my most luxurious piece — the Pearl Royale — I did decide to make that one a vibrator. In my design concept, the South Sea pearl atop the crown is actually a luxury pearl necklace, with a key attached, and when inserted into the top of the crown, it turns on the vibrator. I thought this was such a cheeky design element as the wearer can have this luxurious pearl necklace and those admiring it would not know its real purpose as a luxury key to pleasure. My works are primarily contemporary art sculptures to the erotic, however I guess they can all be used for erotic purpose should the art buyer feel that way inclined.
The Pearl Royale is the feature piece in my collection. It’s made from pure platinum and set with over 70 carats of the world’s finest diamonds, sapphires and South Sea pearls. This opulent sculpture I would say best represents the symbolism of treasuring the erotic. When conceiving the art, I wanted to encourage discussion and question society on the value we place on the sexual experience. From my observation, it seemed society could not reconcile such a luxurious item for the act of sex. I was of the mindset if we readily accept genuine luxury into other aspects of our lives, then why not the sexual experience? So, when it came to designing it, I was thinking of pure hedonism. It had to be outlandishly extravagant with a high level of status. I was thinking of kings and queens, so the concept of a royal scepter was my inspiration for the overall design. I wanted to create a piece of jewelery art that could proudly sit alongside the world’s finest crown jewels to ultimately symbolize how we should treasure the erotic!
You can read much more detail about these pieces of art, so at this point it would be just wrong not to give you an easy way to head off to see Treasure the Erotic on your own. Thus we have done just that. … Spoiler Alert, however! … At least as far as we could tell, nowhere in the descriptions does it mention whether or not any of these are dishwasher safe.
We’re gonna need a bigger piggy bank.
What is it about dark hair that men find so appealing? Maybe it shows on a woman a depth of mystery — a secretive side to probe? The initial look you get from a Camster Brunette certainly gives off the vibe that with just the right touch, you’ll be able to uncover secrets … many, many secrets. After all, when she reveals her hidden aspects she becomes all the more alluring — all the more powerful, all the more triumphant in her femaleness. Or maybe brown hair is just hot because it reminds us of something else hairy (or not). Who knows? Continue reading “Camster Brunettes”
Think luxury. Think really, really, screw the world I want to play luxury. Then close your eyes.
Scratch that last part. You can’t read with your eyes closed. Our bad. … Still, with all the chaos running rampant … well, everywhere … at the very least we need to keep our brains exercised with goals. One does not need to spend thousands of dollars to be happy, obviously, but the ability to do so can make the journey more pleasant. On that note, then, let us provide you with some fantasy that does not actually involve a beautiful naked woman. (That said, all of these things would be better if enjoyed with a beautiful naked woman. Just sayin’.)
Montblanc has built a reputation with quality luxury accessories, seamlessly blending form with function. From their outstanding signature fountain pens to their sleek and stylish leather wallets, the German manufacturer’s creations are crafted from the finest materials, making them favored by fans of quality and performance.
Recognizing more people are meeting online rather than face-to-face, Montblanc has heeded the demands of its loyal customer base to create a pair of multifunctional headphones that meet the brand’s high-quality standards.
The Montblanc MB 01 Over-Ear Headphones have literally been designed to redefine your expectations of working and listening. A clever blend of leather cushioning enables all-day comfort that feels natural and light when worn.
Their minimalistic form and colorway also mean they’ll never look out of place, regardless of whether you’re in full work attire or winding down at home. You can take calls, listen to music or simply cancel out the hustle and bustle of the office around you.
A proximity sensor automatically plays and pauses audio when applying or removing the headphones, while you can also manually control music, volume and power. Supreme clarity will have you discovering elements of your favorite songs you never knew existed, while a built-in microphone allows you to drop into a call whenever you need.
Hisense may have started out as a white goods producer in China nearly 70 years ago, but they have transformed into a leader in high-end electronics.
A recent addition to its catalog is the game-changing L5, a pioneering piece of technology that offers perfect 4K, Ultra HD imagery on a 100-inch screen, with the goal to introduce the ultimate cinematic experience to people within their own homes.
A JBL Cinema Sound System provides surround sound quality usually reserved for multiplex theaters, offering a truly immersive experience with everything you watch.
The high-end home cinema also features a dual color laser that sharpens everything you see onscreen, ridding the risk of light dispersion while offering a more natural viewing experience. This means it actually adapts to its surroundings, so you always have the best, sharpest image displayed right in front of you. Moreover, a VIDAA operating system brings it in line with the plethora of Smart TVs that are currently on the market.
Users can also gain instant access to providers such as Netflix and Amazon Prime Video, as well as Vudu, without the need to cast from your phone to an exterior Chromecast or Firestick. Being a market leader in home TV does come at a cost, however. You’ll find the most recent version of the L5 available for $6,999, but all things considered, it might just be a bargain. You will never need to fork out for a trip to the movies again.
It takes a certain type of person to be the CEO of Sotheby’s International Realty France-Monaco for over 30 years. An individual who knows the value of all things luxury. Berliner Alexander Kraft is that very individual, a man who just may be the most dapper chap on Instagram.
During his journey, studying law in the U.K., U.S. and Germany, Kraft has managed to develop a timeless style that has become the go-to example of the classy modern man.
The proof is all on his Instagram account, where the current Monaco resident regularly posts snaps of himself in all his grandeur at locations reserved exclusively for those who have a bit of money to throw around.
He’s even produced his own collection of impeccably tailored garments under the name Alexander Kraft Monte Carlo, a range of timeless pieces that ooze class and style. From camel hair polo overcoats to stately tweed trousers, it’s made for those who hold only the highest standards.
The Latest Unveiling From The World’s Most Renowned Luxury Marque Rolls-Royce is a true architect of the luxury vehicle.
The name is synonymous with luxury, success, fortune and a high-end lifestyle — the royal family of car manufacturing. Since 2010, the Ghost has been one
of their most sought-after models, a car sighted in only the most prestigious global locales.
Rolls-Royce has given the Ghost an upgrade for 2021, with plenty of personalized options to give you your own custom version of this bestseller. First up is an impressive 6.75L V12 – 850NM 563BHP engine that delivers impressive torque with low RPM, helping power and performance go hand in hand.
But its the subtle innovations are what really make this version of the Ghost stand out. Its laser headlights give you up to 600 meters of visual range, twice that of a standard LED. Effortless door opening ensures you will never have to struggle to step out with grace; it’s like a virtual chauffeur at your beck and call.
And if you do just so happen to have a real chauffeur, you can sit back and relax in front of your built-in smart screen for meetings on the go. If you and your partner also require a little on-the-road aperitif, there’s a champagne compartment fully equipped with glasses and a bottle holder.
And what would a Rolls-Royce be without the Spirit of Ecstasy proudly sitting atop the car’s hood? Well, for this 2021 edition, the statuette appears from nowhere once the car is put into drive mode — as graceful as the vehicle it sits upon.
So there you have it, our luxury list of things we simply must have — just as soon as we get a seriously big raise from the (clearly comatose at that point) boss here. Ah, well. Without dreams, what do we have in life really?
Do not be shy about looking for more detail on some of these enhancements to one’s physical station. by all means. Only one of them costs as much as a house in some places — or a carport in Los Angeles. Consider @alexander.kraft and a life well earned. Think about the 4K Experience of The Boys on an 8-ft television screen of your very own. Or do what we do an imagine how many Pets you could get to ride with you in one of these Ghosts of Christmas Every Day. Seriously, why would you ever get out of the car?
We’d just lived through 15 months that would stay with us the rest of our lives, but for the moment, we just wanted to party. Continue reading “Soldiers Once”
For some, the pursuit of perfectionism comes with a need to exert control and an inability to let things go. They may be correct, but it comes across as hairsplitting pettiness. Many English soccer fans would describe the VAR (Video Assistant Referee) as an annoying control freak.
In soccer, a few terrible decisions over the years — or great ones, depending on who you support — have caused huge controversy. The recently deceased Diego Maradona’s Hand of God is arguably the biggest. Frank Lampard’s disallowed goal for England at the 2010 South Africa World Cup is another doozy. Truth is there have been some shocking decisions over the years — but not that many.
And surely not enough to have led to the stop-start culture currently pervading the Premier League? Stilted celebrations and strange decisions — where a last-minute winner leads to an ecstatic reaction on hold, while an accurate decision is made.
The greatest moments in soccer have been those moments — sheer, unbridled, Oh-my-God-ness as the ball hits the back of the net. Imagine Manchester United’s comeback celebrations in the 1999 Champions League Final being paused while they checked the monitor in the last minute. In fact, twice in the last two minutes.
Ruining those moments is surely worse than getting a few decisions wrong?
Belgian soccer star Kevin De Bruyne is arguably the greatest footballer in the world after the Messi/Ronaldo double act. He recently said: “I don’t know the rules anymore, honestly. I’ve been playing professional football for 12 years, and in the first nine years there were no rule changes. Now, there are a lot of rule changes. I don’t know why. Football is a nice game. The people making the rule changes need to be in the game.”
Ex-Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino went further, saying, “I am for technology, but be careful not to change the game and kill the emotion. My worry is we are talking about a machine and not football.”
Bizarrely, the really big decisions that sparked the technological revolution of football are quickly solved. Goal-line technology is pretty seamless; the referee instantly gets a bleep on his phone to say whether the ball has crossed the line and can make a decision. Liverpool’s experienced midfielder James Milner is a fan: “Goal-line technology is incredible. Instant decision. Black and white.”
But he’s not a fan of VAR.
“It’s very hard to use VAR when you’ve still got opinions on the decisions and the atmosphere in football is being ruined,” Milner says.
Especially when the resulting decisions seem worse than the referee’s original. Patrick Bamford’s goal, which was disallowed for Leeds against Crystal Palace, was described by Former Premier League star-turned-pundit Robbie Savage as “the worst decision I’ve ever seen in the history of football.”
Bamford’s hand was judged offside — his fingers deemed ahead of the defender as he pointed where he wanted the ball.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Is Phil Gould happy with the bunker in Australia’s National Rugby League (NRL)?
“They’d check everything if they could. They would check every single play,” he recently said. “The referees’ dream is to play the game on Sunday, finish the game at six o’clock, pack everything up and say ‘we’ll give you the result on Tuesday.’”
The KFC bunker was introduced at a cost of $2 million to “provide NRL review officials with world-class technology and enable them to deliver more accurate, efficient, consistent and transparent decisions.”
In Gould’s words: “They don’t have a clue.”
The NRL bunker has been in operation for four years. In America, the NFL has had instant replay reviews since 1986 — some 34 years — and they’re still trying to get it right. The NFL can review up to 15 different circumstances using instant replay. VAR in England only reviews four.
There’s the rub: The rule was introduced after a big and specific decision that altered a whole season for the New Orleans Saints. A huge mistake, but essentially a one-off.
In cricket, meanwhile, they love technology. Hot Spot, the Snickometer and Hawk-Eye have arguably added to the enjoyment of the game, not detracted from it. But then it’s ultimately a slower paced game; you watch for seven hours in the sun with a beer and a pie, studying the game in a leisurely, almost scientific way. The players stop for tea breaks, for God’s sake. Hot Spot and Hawk-Eye notch the drama up, rather than take it down.
Tennis is similar. Hawk-Eye’s been around for line calls and player challenges since 2004 after some shocking calls against Serena Williams in a U.S. Open quarterfinals clash she lost to Jennifer Capriati. The United States Tennis Association actually called Williams after the match to apologize. Again, tennis is slower and compartmentalized — technology acts seamlessly with the game and builds tension, rather than sucking out the emotion.
With VAR, Maradona’s Hand of God goal against England at the 1986 World Cup wouldn’t have stood. If that had been the case, the Argentine athlete might not have scored the Goal of the Century four minutes later. He might not have gone on to lift the World Cup that year. How the referee didn’t see him punch the ball in the net still amazes. But he didn’t. And we’ve all learned to live with it.
That moment has become legendary because the decision was bad and wasn’t overturned.
If not sport as a whole, VAR is certainly sucking the life out of football games. Maybe the next evolution will be to re-referee past games using technology and reverse the results based on correct decision-making? Maradona would turn in his grave.
But do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Granted there might be a few reading this mentally voicing the argument, that Rob here more accurately speaks about “soccer” while “football” more accurately describes a purely American sport. Hey, they do call it the National Football League, after all, so that must settle the argument, right? Of course this narrow argument sort of just ignores the 3.5 billion “soccer” fans worldwide in favor of the 400 million NFL fans on the globe, but this hardly qualifies as the first time American policy rationale comes down to a “because we said so” argument. So we’ll just skip over that and point you to a thorough, albeit self-serving, analysis of Instant Replay for all those people in the VAR countries to read should they choose. Fair warning: It will say “football” a lot on those pages. They keep using that word. We do not think it means what they think it means.
[You may also need a chiropractor with these positions — which does add to the unforgettable aspect certainly — but for the most part we will leave the descriptions with the magazine experts. You will note our ever-so-helpful editorial notes in bracket. Because brackets make things official and full of really important stuff.]
The Eiffel Tower, also known as a reimagined Spit Roast, marks the only time it’s ever appropriate to high-five during sex. The concept is simple: One person is on all fours, receiving one partner from behind, while performing oral on the other person. The two outside partners then gleefully high-five and “oui oui!” each other, bringing the iconic Eiffel Tower position to life. This trés underrated ménage à trois is a sexual (French) revolution. No matter what role you fulfill in the architectural erotic wonder that is The Eiffel Tower, you’re guaranteed to have a beret good time. Bon voyage and high-five! [One caveat here: Should the person on all fours actually hear this high-five, odds are even on whether or not this person will bite down in anger. Might be wise to go for the other end, should this really sound like a good idea to you.]
The concept of international travel and boarding a real-life plane might feel like an explicit fantasy right now, but don’t fret; there’s another way you can join the Mile-High Club. Yoga and CrossFit become one to create this extremely intimidating, expert-level sex position known as The Helicopter. To achieve The Helicopter, the woman must prop herself up on her back with her legs over her head before the man inserts his erection and planks on top of her. To initiate “liftoff,” and this is where the magic comes in, he starts propelling around in complete circles while remaining inserted. Warning: You’re both going to want to be fit and strong to complete this sex position or else one of you might end up with an airline fracture. [While the “injector” might receive sufficient lubrication in this position — maybe — the other skin parts twirling on top of each other will soon provide an excellent reminder as to what friction does out in the real world. Hey, maybe you’ll be sweaty enough for it not to matter. You’ll almost certainly be drunk enough for it not to matter until tomorrow at least.]
If you have ever fantasized about being a helpless fly trapped in a spiderweb at the mercy of an insatiable female arachnid, then this position is for you. Despite its name, The Spider isn’t actually as spooky as it sounds, but it does involve lets a lot. To achieve The Spider, the couple starts by facing each other, both in a seated position. The man then penetrates the woman, and they both recline back. The couple then begin to wiggle, gyrate, thrust and grind against each other, mimicking a spider wrestling and wrapping up her prey. Perfect for newlywebs. [This position will be perfect for when you really want to screw, but you just can’t stand looking at the other person, even a little bit. At all.]
The Wheelbarrow isn’t your garden-variety sex position. An interesting alternative for doggy-style lovers, this position essentially involves the woman being turned into a human wheelbarrow. It looks pretty kooky, but it’s actually pretty spot-on for internal stimulation and hitting angles you wouldn’t normally hit. A little core strength goes a long way — channel your inner dexterity. You’re going to want to have a basic level of athleticism and not skip arm day for this one — stability is key! — otherwise you’ll end up with a wonky wheelbarrow. If you think The Wheelbarrow is kinky, you are certainly not ready to hear about The Mower. Meet me behind the garden shed in five? [Right. This will be perfect because the only way to make sex more fun would be to try and balance in pushup position while the guy behind you tries to hang on to your legs, thrusts, all while trying not to pile-drive your head into the ground … or the wall … or the furniture.]
At this point the magazine article drops out, probably because they ran out of space on the page more than any fears regarding our ability to comprehend “The Mower” position. That said, all of that sounded like way to much work to try and have fun. As illustration of our point, we offer Sky Wonderland, who happens to be the Penthouse Pet of the Month for July 2021 coincidentally enough. As you can clearly see, set up correctly, one has no use for a lawn mower with Sky.
By the way, should you really, really feel the need to spice things up because pulsing genitals just don’t get you going anymore, you might try the historically proven Tantric Techniques. Be warned, however: These are not for the faint of heart — or anyone in a hurry.