Parsonage and Young Lacy

Posted on by Team Penthouse

A Lacy Lennon Conversation

We are here at AVN with Lacy Lennon. Our Pet of the Year … our Pet of the Year forever … our spicy Redhead.

Lacy: Thank you!

Lacy Lennon Arrives for Our ConversationSo … what have you been doing since you were crowned Pet of the Month and Pet of the Year?

Lacy: Oh my gosh. Craziness. So I had probably one of the biggest and best years of my life after getting Penthouse Pet of the Year. … I got a month off, I believe it was, October, and then it was only a few months later that the voting had started with the turnaround for Pet of the Year. I then also got my feature film Black Widow, which I won Best Sex Scene of the year for, and I also won for Best Actress. So that was amazing to walk up there in my Penthouse necklace, walking off with double awards in my hands.

And then from there, Moose [Owner of Girlfriend Films] allowed me to help out and direct for Girlfriend Films. I got to direct three DVDs, and one of them actually got nominated for an AVN award. So that was just special and amazing. … From there I decided to adult a little bit and was like, you know, I’ve worked really hard, and I should do something nice for myself. I decided to move back home and with my family and my friends out in Hawaii, and I got to take a little bit of a break.

And I really, really, really had been getting into my own content creation. Penthouse inspires me constantly because the direction that we go — and that I aim for — is still going for the very filmy aspect … going artistic, you know, things could be more implied. It resonates so well with the fans that they respect it. They love seeing the journeys, the travels, and they love seeing me healthy.

So I’ve been busy, busy, busy. I have a few other surprises that are coming out this summer, but I cannot give full details. But there have been deals that have been signed… Just new adventures, and new expansions, and new experiences for our fans. … I’m so happy to be back.

Where can we, expect to find out those drops? Are you going to post them on Instagram or Twitter or everywhere? Are you going to let us know?

Lacy: I’m going to let everyone know everywhere. They’re going to be very strategic drops and releases. It’s not just going to be random. I’m going to be putting out a whole bunch of Easter eggs. There’s going to be an immense amount of promo, and it’s going to be everywhere, because why would we not do that? [laughs]

So tell me about your website, because that was a thing. I clicked on it, and you were already selling merch, and you’re already doing so much. … So you’re dropping more?

Lacy: Yeah. Oh … Oh, my gosh. … So I love graphic designing. I just think that it’s so much fun. And I love being nerdy and dirty and you know, I saw these other girls, then I had teams reach out to me they’d all say, I want to build you a site, let me build you a site.

And I’d think to myself, what can they do that I can’t? Went to YouTube. And I was like, oh, this is easy. And then so I was just like, okay. I though, let me go ahead and just try it. And, you know, because the fans were asking for more merch, and I had already done smaller drops and more personalized drops, but I really wanted something more official. That way I can then reach out to people that are worldwide, because that’s where I was missing my mark. When I was doing things more personally, like I would go ahead and buy my bulk items and then have people — whether it was email me or like DM through Twitter or whatever — it was, small scale, over-consuming and not efficient in the long run. 

It took up way too much time. It’s cool now through the site that I have these teams working and doing the shipments, doing the fulfillment for me. All that I had to do was set up the site, curate designs, find my manufacturers, make sure that I’m back-checking them for reputation. Then I just order the products as a demo and make sure that they’re of high quality before releasing them out to the fans.

I did it because it’s what the fans had asked. And when they ask, they receive.

So I just want to clarify because I’m fucking mind-blown right here. You did that graphic design? That is you?

Lacy: Yeah.  

You’re insane. It’s insane.

Lacy: Oh, it’s so cute. I’m such a nerd. Like, I love games, like cozy games like Sim, like, house building and making the characters. Getting into those little details of builds overall.

Graphic designing has almost … when you were a kid and you did collage work in a magazine, cut everything out, just put everything on? Graphic designing is really that easy. And … it’s … it’s really fun and gives me a lot more appreciation for animators because after getting heavily into the graphic designing, I now want to learn how to animate. Because all this can be taken like one big step further.

And I always thought that it might be cool idea, because I’ve seen these people do it on a smaller scale, where they’re making these at-home animations and maybe two people doing voice work… They’re doing like ten different voices and creating an entire show. And then the shows blow up. How cute would it be to have like a little Lacy Lennon animated show?

All these little stepping stones are fun and cool. I guess I’m always looking at the next big thing. People have been like, oh, you’re doing this and this and this … and I say, I’m already on the 10th new project after that. I’m moving on. That’s been done, you know? But I’m glad you like it. It was fun and very cute. I loved putting it together.

Let’s talk about the title Nerdy and Dirty. Do you think that that just encompasses you and that’s why you went with that, or did you coin it at some point? It’s trademarked…

Lacy: It is, and it’s mine. [laughs]

Yeah. Honestly it was very early on, when I first got in… Everyone wanted to know about me, what were my interests.

I always answered, well I went to opera school. I studied math and engineering, graduated number one in my class, even going back to the high school years. And so, like, I’ve always been really into the nerd stuff. I never really, looked at myself in the mirror thinking, “I’m the beautiful girl,” you know?

I have always believed that I’m going to be valued because of what I’m going to bring to the table, never just based on my appearance alone. Whereas other people, they do truly have that privilege, and I love that for them. I just have never been a person where I have felt valued that way.

Being nerdy and dirty is my slogan, I used it before the industry among friends, and it encapsulates me. And that’s why I said it from the very beginning. Of course I also honed in on the niche nerd group, and I was like, these are my guys. These are my people. …

It’s just like, listen, a lot of people are basically the same. They peak in high school, and they were like the jock or the cheerleader. They come into this industry, then they skyrocket. They do well, and they treat their fans like shit. And for me, when I think of sex work, more importantly when I think of those that we’re providing for… I think we’re providing for the people where sex may not always be as easy.

I don’t think these are people who are getting these experiences and going out to the club and buying drinks for the girls and then just, you know, hooking up with them. No, these are men and people who often have serious social awkwardness. Maybe they’ve never dated. A lot of them may still be virgins. So for me, who has had the benefit of prior companionship, it’s just really important to me to speak to the nerds. Hey, everyone deserves love.

I think of it as, “Let me show you, because I said I needed love. I deserve love and you can follow my lead.”

When people say the nice guy finishes last, that’s okay. They should be fine finishing last, because I’m going to finish last with them. I’m literally going to be hand in hand. These are my nerds, and these are the most deserving people, and these are the people that should enjoy these events and be able to watch the films and be able to experience these things.

My heart is just very full. The nerds have taken care of me, so I’m always going to take care of them.

You seem very passionate about it.

Lacy: Yeah.

Do you think that there’s a difference between being a nerd and being a geek? Do you think that you’re also a little geeky? … Do you have any hard core fandoms that you follow?

Lacy: I mean, as for the difference between a nerd and a geek, I think a geeks would be like the guys who are in Silicon Valley … they got their fancy little shoes and they’re all tucked in. They got their super fancy glasses, and a super nice car.

Then I think of nerds like a guy who’s still driving like the Toyota Corolla. And he always feels, “No, no, no. I’m working on it. And I don’t need a new car.” … You know? I think of nerds as people that are more … relatable.

Geeks, at least in my view, are people who put themselves on this pedestal of privilege, and they think that they’re better than everyone. They’re driven by, “Not only am I smart, but I’m also wealthy…” Whereas the nerds are more like, “Let’s just not. … We don’t have to run like around trying to impress others. Let’s just wear little fun outfits.”

Geeks aren’t going to do that. They’re going to be the tech guys. They’re going to be very bougie. … I find my nerds just want to have fun, and they’re just hanging out with everyone. They appreciate everyone. They have a lot of respect. … A lot of times I feel like nerds don’t always feel the best about themselves … the kids that were the late bloomers … the people that society kind of pushes away. … Although we’re all a little bit of the black sheep these days, nerds and geeks. It’s all been marketed as niche and glamorized, so that now suddenly it’s a cool thing.

Honestly I think that it hurts the community because you have all these people going to these events that they would never attend previously. They just didn’t. We nerds used to be like, “Okay, this is like my one event a year. I get to go hang out with my nerds.” … Now you go to Comic-Con and you’re going to spend over $1,000.

Suddenly most of those nerds have now had that taken away from them because it has been marketed in a way to make it a privilege. … It has all become just kind of lame because the true nerds of from Dungeons and Dragons or my Lord of the Rings, my Harry Potter, my Star Trek, you know, Star Wars — because that’s how that they know me — that has gotten lost.

So many have seen me at the booth, and that’s how they met me … literally, this is one of the presents I got because they know how nerdy I am. I got so many presents. [Shows Harry Potter – Time Turner Necklace]

I have that exact one.

Lacy: Yeah, I got this one. My sister too. It’s just the smaller one from Pandora. But yeah, exactly. I also got a Darth Maul figurine because I have the Darth Maul lightsaber. … I have Ray’s lightsaber. I have Luke’s lightsaber. I have the metal, from A New Hope as well — all given as gifts. … Let’s see, I’ve Smuggler’s dice. You know, it’s just like I have a whole bunch of total fandom shit … like, big time. I’m kind of all over the place with my nerd shit, but that’s what a true nerd is. … We watch it all. We literally rewatch, rewatch, rewatch. It’s not just one thing, it’s all of it.

Yeah, I lost track of how many times I’ve watched Harry Potter now. … I’ve rewatched Supernatural…

Lacy: Yes! My sister is the biggest fucking Supernatural fan. Oh my God, you would love her. Oh my gosh, she’s like six foot tall, crazy, crazy. [laughs uproariously]

Do you have any advice for any future pets that want to be as successful as you have been as Pet of the Year … Going from POY to directing, to winning awards … to basically doing it all? It feels like you never stop. You’ve never slowed down — always kept it pushing.

Lacy: I would say … you have to be authentic, and you are going to have downfalls. I may be good at like not showing people those things. It seems like a lot of people think that my life is perfect, that I never have bad days. … I’ve had businesses that have failed, and you just get back up. You keep going, just switch things around, and you don’t let it beat you down.

It still gets into my head sometimes. I have those days. … I don’t really show that off to other people, but it’s going to happen. You will not have great success without great failure. You should always remember the risk in being a one hit wonder. Sometimes when you hit immediate success, riding that line becomes too easy, and you forget to put in the work.

Something Dennis Hoff had told me I have held near to my heart ever since I lived and worked over at Moonlite Bunny Ranch. … He always told me, “You know, the super-pretty girls, they kind of lean on their looks, and they forget the work ethic. They forget to be punctual. They forget to take care of themselves. They forget to actually make dreams and plan journeys and write things down, and budget, and do the things that are actually good for them. I need you to promise me that you’re going to keep your head on your shoulders. I need you to stay smart. Be beautiful, but the more important thing — and what’s going to resonate with the fans, and why they’ll take care of you and believe in you — is because you’re being smart about it. You’re not living the fantasy. You’re doing this as a real career. … This is a job.”

So when you treat it like a job — think of any other job — if you slack, you get fired. … We’re our own bosses, you could be doing well and you could be put on a pedestal by a company, but if you’re not willing to put in that work afterwards, and you just want to ride on that fame, you’re going to fall off the cliff.

Rest in peace, Dennis.

Intermission in Our Lacy Lennon Conversation

Thank you so much for taking the time to hang out with us today! We hope to see you soon. (… And we did 6 months later at Penthouse Pet Party Summer 2024! … COMING SOON to these pages.)

As one might imagine, one has many options when it comes to following Lacy Lennon including an Instagram page that keeps getting shut down for … well, who the heck can figure out why the Meta people do anything really? She just rolls out a new one, though, and starts all over again — a trait that definitely fits the persona evidenced in this interview. For our part we like the lesser-used TikTok and YouTube options, more the potential than the execution so far, but honestly it could be that we like them because we keep volunteering to hang out with her when she’s in town to suggest ideas — or, y’know, drink margaritas. … Seriously, if you want to experience pure joy for a few hours, just hang out with Lacy Lennon.

Heck, just looking at her Amazon Wish List will give you lots and lots of potential conversation starters. Trust us: Lacy will keep up her end of the conversation. We are happy to provide suggestions here, if it helps, though. We’d start with, “So … um … does a $94 candle have some kind of special fire or something?”

Homegrown Rage

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Rage or Reconciliation, Choices in a Time of Terror

Rage. … I was driving toward a busy intersection when my cellphone rang. As I picked it up, I made a sudden, mindless lane change, cutting off the driver behind me. When the light turned red, I was forced to stop. In a flash, the guy in the vehicle I had just cut off came charging out of his car, fists balled. I have no idea what came over me, but I knew that I’d screwed up and the angry man was right.

I stuck my head out the window, looked up at him and said, “Sir, I am so sorry. I should not have cut you off. I was irresponsible. Can you please forgive me?”

He was a big guy and was shaking with rage. But my words got past his indignation enough to slow him down. “I’m really sorry,” I said again.

Now he’s almost at my open window. Close enough to punch me in the face. But instead he seems confused. “What did you say?”

I DID NOT KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT SINCERE HUMILITY AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS CAN BE A POTENT PATH TO DEFUSING RAGE.

I looked up into his eyes and very clearly said, “Sir, I was wrong and stupid. I cannot believe I drove so recklessly. I’m usually careful. Can you please forgive me?”

He unballed his fists, put his right hand on top of the car’s roof, leaned in and said, “Man, you gotta be more careful! My wife got slammed against her seat belt!”

“Oh, shit;’ I said. “That’s awful. I cannot believe I did that!”

His face changed and the whole feeling of the moment shifted. “Drive safe!” he said, and got back into his car.

The light changed and I very carefully drove to my appointment, shaking from adrenalin and humbled by the experience.

I did not know it at the time, but it turns out that sincere humility and asking for forgiveness can be a potent path to defusing rage. Both those qualities — humility and asking for forgiveness — were in very short supply during the presidential campaign. And our country now needs a huge injection of both to survive the months ahead.

Psychotherapists are reporting they’ve never seen so much stress and fear connected to politics. Friendships and even marriages have been put at risk because of the campaign. People have lost sleep and many have dropped off of social media because of all the rage spitting across their computer screens.

Trump’s rhetoric of slamming Muslims as terrorists and Mexicans as rapists, to name just a few egregious examples, lifted a metaphorical rock off the poisonous secret culture of hatred and violence that had always been there, but was kept in check by societal pressure and the absence of a viable national “leader:’ Trump cried havoc and let loose the beasts of people’s previously tamped-down rage.

“A Bloodbath” … Only one Rage Potential

Just as the campaign was reaching its final days, an FBI antiterrorist arrest in the small city of Garden City, Kansas, sent a chilling warning to anyone who might have been paying attention: Not only has a river of rage overflowed into our country, but for some people, that rage is the ultimate intoxicant. And they want more. One of the alleged plotters declared: “The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. If you’re a Muslim, I’m going to enjoy shooting you in the head:’ Those words were secretly recorded as the men prepared to bomb an apartment house full of Somali refugees. The FBI busted them after an eight-month investigation.

“Many Kansans may find it as startling as I do that such things could happen here;’ said Tom Beall, the Acting U.S. Attorney for Kansas.

Unlike Beall, I wasn’t surprised one bit. I’ve been reporting on and studying terrorism in all its forms for half a century. It can happen anywhere, and no crazy radical lslamist hoping for 72 virgins in heaven is required, as the Kansas investigation has shown.

In fact, as that case demonstrates, we are now confronted by the very real prospect of organized, racist, politically motivated terror aimed at Muslims and others who are perceived by some as not being truly “American:’ That attitude, that threat-which was amped up by the Trump campaign-comes from a very small number of heavily armed people. They are white, native-born, self· described Christians eager to make their mark in blood. Despite what they would like the world to believe, however, they are not representative of white Christians, the NRA, or most Trump supporters. Though they are small in number, they must be taken seriously, and that probably means court-ordered surveillance.

For some, Trump’s presidential campaign became a heroic narrative for the return of an America in which men like them could be happy again. Some of them were rejected by the military. Some served and suffered PTSD, which went untreated, forcing them into painful private spaces where alcohol and opioids often join depression. Others never got it together for anything, did not qualify for military service, lost out in the business world, and sought group identification with anyone who would accept them. Over the past eight years, these very angry men have felt further marginalized by a society that increasingly is run by people who don’t look like them, talk like them, or believe as they do.

Some of them are victims of a historic paradigm shift away from the values they were taught, and the economy they believed would take care of them. For many, globalization spells calamity. Their good jobs were exported and replaced by nothing, or work that pays a fraction of their former job. Their disconnect from the romanticized American “good life” of endless consumption, their inability to stay ahead of their bills, and their frustration at finding work in an increasingly tech-driven economy, all combined to make them easy pickings for a movement headed by someone with charisma who looks and sounds a little bit like them, making them feel a part of something strong. Trump told everyone he had the answer for what was broken in their lives, and that he would be their shield against having a president with a vagina or being overrun by ISIS at home.

Feeding on people’s fears, Trump pledged he would block all Muslims from entering the U.S. and punish women who get abortions. His large rallies, made up almost exclusively of white people (most of them men), screamed their approval.

Trump’s notion of putting women into prison for getting abortions may well be read as support by a wide range of people who claim to be defenders of the unborn, including those who kill doctors for providing abortion services. This, unfortunately, is nothing new. Trump’s plan of banning Muslims, however, marks the first time in modern American history that any national candidate promised to stop people at the border with a religion test. It boggled the mind, but at the same time it caressed the fear and rage that many people felt. Clearly, that was Trump’s calculated game. But his execution was imperfect. His ego kept betraying him. “I know more about ISIS than the generals!”

Those eight words were laughable, and top Republican experts on national security publicly branded Trump as “incompetent” and “dangerous:’ But this didn’t matter to Trump’s base. They loved his promise to upend the Washington establishment and his wild promises to bring back manufacturing jobs and cut taxes while spending trillions on building up the military. They ignored his failure to release his tax returns, his bizarre bromance with Vladimir Putin, his call for Russia to cyber attack the U.S., his abuse of women, and his failures to pay contractors.

TODAY, IF A BOMB GOES OFF AT A U.S.GOVERNMENT CENTER, A MOSQUE, OR A SYNAGOGUE, SOME OF THE BLAME MAY WELL BELONG AT THE FEET OF DONALD TRUMP.

Lurking in the background of the millions of Trump supporters is the rage-filled base, the men in the dark rooms like the three members of the Kansas “Crusaders;’ whose plot allegedly included the deliberate slaughter of children. As one of them said on the secret FBI recording: “When we go on operations there’s no leaving anyone behind, even if it’s a one-year-old. I’m serious.”

By the time the Crusaders began to conceptualize their “wake-up call” (as they called it), Trump’s Fear-the-Muslims initiative was already three months old. It had been repeated endlessly, especially on extreme-right-wing media, and it was the kind of talk the neo-Nazis and other radical communities had long embraced. For them, Trump was encouragement, even validation.

One of the most influential voices of the alt-right, a website called the Daily Stormer, refers to Trump as America’s “Glorious Leader:’ The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups across the country, noted (verbatim) these posts found on the Daily Stormer’s website: “When [Trump) wins, the libtards, freaks nigs, mystery meats and republicucks will probably pop off, led by the cheerleading kikes like always, but the might of people behind [Trump] should be able to put down with little effort. It’ll be bloody but I think if enough heads are busted it will become loud and clear — BACK IN THE CLOSET OR GET THE FUCK OUT.’

I follow a data scientist named Jonathon Morgan. He’s the founder and CEO of New Knowledge, a nonprofit think tank, and he’s been crunching numbers on Trump and right-wing extremists. Morgan used Facebook activity to find armed militia supporters who engaged with Trump’s claims of a rigged election. He wrote: “Faced with probable defeat, Donald Trump is now claiming the election is rigged (it’s not). While election officials (were) trying to reassure the public that U.S. democracy is intact, Trump surrogates doubled down on their candidate’s accusations, warning of widespread voter fraud, and suggesting that supporters revolt.”

Morgan said the numbers show that the destabilizing, anti-democracy message is resonating. “Over 100,000 people commented or reacted to Trump’s Facebook posts about election rigging. Though at rallies some of Trump’s supporters insist the tough talk is not a call to violence, others discussed armed rebellion and assassination, and buried amongst the supporters who engaged with the candidate’s message on Facebook are at least 210 people who are involved with armed militia groups.”

Morgan cited one extremist who wrote: “The problem is we have a rigged election and Hillary is going to flood us with muslims [sic]. I hate to say it, but if she wins, and it looks like she will (only because she owns the media and the Republican party) it’s over, time for a revolution” He added, “Enough of being tough in the blog, be tough in real life’.’

Today, if a bomb goes off at a U.S. government center, a mosque, a synagogue, or an apartment complex where Muslims or Mexicans live, some of the blame may well belong at the feet of Donald Trump. His us-versus-them campaign of fear gave aid and comfort to the more than 800 U.S. right-wing hate groups that dwell in the shadows.

Muslims in general had been placed on their enemies list after 9/11. Before that it was Jews, LGBTQ people, black and brown people, and women who don’t shut the fuck up. The feelings and doctrines of the members of these hate groups were mostly confined to private spaces, fenced-in compounds, and websites where they spend their fantasy lives while hand-loading their very real ammunition.

When Trump’s anti-Muslim declarations began in December of 2015, extreme right-wing websites lit up with delight. The Ku Klux Klan and a prominent former leader of the Klan who ran for public office said the GOP was finally espousing Klan doctrine.

On Trump’s path to “Make America Great Again,” people who get loaded on dehumanizing others raised their glasses to the guy who had been the boss on The Apprentice. Suddenly, it looked like he had a shot at the White House.

In early 2016, an FBI informant inside that Kansas militia group made this covert recording of a would-be domestic terrorist: “The only fucking way this country’s ever going to get turned around is it will be a bloodbath and it will be a nasty, messy motherfucker. Unless a lot more people in this country wake up and smell the fucking coffee and decide they want this country back … we might be too late, if they do wake up … I think we can get it done. But it ain’t going to be nothing nice about it.”

According to the FBI recordings, the conspirators planned to detonate multiple car bombs around a housing complex to kill Muslim residents. Their battle plan called for them to then kick in doors and shoot to death any survivors, including women and children. That “wake-up” event was to occur on the day after the national election. The plotters apparently hoped that their action would trigger a national uprising against all 3.5 million Muslims in America. (Side note: American Muslims include many medical doctors, professors, scientists, as well owners of small businesses. They have very low rates of crime and high levels of family stability.)

Trump loved using the term “Crooked Hillary” echoing a 30-year campaign of vilification of Clinton. But his words, spewed out of his mouth from a national podium, were designed to make her seem less human. She was “so corrupt, so crooked, she should be locked up” Trump said over and over again. He led his followers in the chant, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

Trump’s plan was to make Hillary an enemy of the people in the minds of his supporters. Defeating her would become a holy quest. Like his promise to punish women who get abortions, it was Trump as the Punisher. He helped set up Hillary as the Devil in a Pantsuit. He would be the slayer of the dragon on behalf of his most deeply enraged followers.

Trump’s brand of carefully orchestrated loathing for Hillary was the icing on an old and noxiously indigestible cake of fury that had been baked by Republican operatives years earlier. The recorded words of one of the leaders of the Kansas terror plot sounded like Trump without the private-school education: “I’m angry that our politicians are no good, lying, conniving, crooked, corrupt, treasonist assholes that should be imprisoned at the least … I’m angry we allow one of the most corrupt, deceitful, lying, conniving, treasonist, piece of shit on the planet to run for president while under investigation by the FBI … l’m angry that elections are rigged by the elitists (FYI: YOUR VOTE DOESN’T MATTER ANY MORE).” These are the words of accused Crusader plotter Patrick Eugene Stein, as transcribed from a secret FBI recording.

“l’M ANGRY THAT OUR POLITICIANS ARE NO GOOD, LYING, CONNIVING, CROOKED, CORRUPT, TREASONIST ASSHOLES THAT SHOULD BE IMPRISONED AT THE LEAST … “

Trump continued to feed the most paranoid of right-wing extremists, essentially confirming that the America they loved had been surrendered to an enemy made up of Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, LGBTQ people, and baby killers. When he said the only way he would lose the election is if it were stolen from him, and then when he refused to say he would accept the outcome if he did not win, this gave even more emotional ammo to the would-be gunmen of the militias. These are heavily armed, self-styled “patriots” who long for the good old days when blacks were subservient, gay people were in the closet, and “real” men like them were in charge. Not some mixed-race “monkey,” or, even worse, a “goddam bitch.”

The FBI surveillance narrative on Crusader Stein recounts him doing a targeting run on the Muslim section of Garden City. At one point, he leaned out of the car window and cursed at Somali women wearing traditional garb. At the time, Stein was armed with an assault rifle, extra magazines, a pistol, a ballistic vest, and a night-vision scope. According to the FBI, a month before the election, Stein and his alleged co-conspirators were prepping for their slaughter when the girlfriend of one of them called police after her man had beaten her. She showed the responding officers a room in the house stacked with weapons, including an explosive compound called hexamethylene triperoxide diamine, or HMTD. The cops asked to look around, she said sure, and they found over two thousand rounds of ammo and guns.

Before the Kansas conspiracy case broke in October, life was hard enough for America’s 900,000 cops and tens of thousands of federal agents, searching for a tiny number of potential American jihadists like the New York City-born man who killed 49 people at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. It’s like hunting for a few explosive needles in a haystack of more than 324 million people.

Fortunately, more and more moderate American Muslims (which constitutes the vast majority) are helping police find people who have been radicalized. Following 9/11, the FBI created a model of respect and cooperation between law enforcement and mosques in Virginia; that model has been adapted by state and local agencies. Good community relations have followed.

Understandably, law enforcement’s focus has been on finding the next self-starting radical Islamic terrorist before he or she can commit another act in the name of ISIS. Following the FBl’s successful operation against the Crusaders, our cops now have to focus considerable resources on extremists of the far right who may previously have been written off as harmless. Time to rethink everything.

FOLLOWING 9/11, THE FBI CREATED A MODEL OF RESPECT AND COOPERATION BETWEEN LAW ENFORCEMENT AND MOSQUES IN VIRGINIA.

Men like the alleged Kansas conspirators do their planning in the shadows and imagine themselves as superheroes. These are deeply disappointed and embittered men; some of them beat their women to feel better; some fortify their courage with alcohol and drugs; and some do it with prayer. Protected by the Second Amendment, they have been buying up guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Some have become internet scholars, learning online how to make high explosives. Most of them-especially the drunks-will wind up getting caught, because they talk and someone dials 911 . But some will inevitably slip through the cracks.

In all likelihood, you and those you love will be safe, but that is not to say that we should not expect attacks from egomaniacal fanatics in the name of Jesus or Allah. And while the Trump campaign pushed the idea that we are surrounded by marauding jihadists, the truth is, thus far, there have been a tiny number of murderers motivated by radical Islam in the U.S. Those killers include the Ft. Hood Army psychiatrist, the Boston Marathon bombers, the Orlando nightclub shooter, the San Bernardino couple, the two gunmen in Texas and Arkansas who attacked military recruiting stations, and the man who beheaded a woman at a food plant in Oklahoma. The total killed by jihadists in the U.S. since 9/11 is just under one hundred. Even one is terrible. But this is a huge country.

I have no desire to trivialize any horrible act. But we need to keep our minds clear. Clarity and the calm it brings can help us come out of the post-election period with more sanity and less rage.

As a frame of reference, this article first appeared in the Jan/Feb, 2017, issue of Penthouse Magazine. Obviously that means it hit the stands slightly before Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. As we face the choice again this coming November, we thought it worthwhile to try and remember what it felt like the first time around. People too young to notice at the time get to vote this time around, and as a culture we have a tendency to cover our history with a gloss of pleasant memories — because otherwise the present would always suck. That said, those under age 22 and those with forced blindness make up but only a small percentage of the voting block. We would never tell you which way to vote — if for no other reason that by all appearances both of our choices will be … let’s go with “less than ideal” overall. Still you need to register, and you need to vote. Otherwise you lose your right to bitch for the next four years, and that would suck worse than both these choices.

Weird is as Weird Does

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Weird People … Weird

Strange things can happen when people take an expression and try to interpret it literally. And then there are the people who should take things literally but do not for some weird reason. We decided to take a few moments away from the beautiful to simply celebrate the weird — and, y’know, make us all appreciate our own lives a lot more.

Put a Bag on It

Inflating the CondomA young Vietnamese couple ended up in the hospital after attempting to have sex for the first time using a plastic bag as contraception. The unnamed students were too shy to buy condoms, and, reportedly, the boy believed that using a plastic bag would be just as effective.

Things did not go as planned, however, and both suffered genital lesions, abrasions, and bleeding.

Nguyen The Luong, deputy director of Hanoi Kidney Hospital where the students were treated, told the local press that the pair are recovering with the help of antibiotics and “disinfectants.” He went on to say that using plastic bags as contraception is a terrible idea; they provide no protection from STIs or pregnancy and can cause vaginal tearing, since the bags have no elasticity or lubrication.

A recent study by the Medical University of Hanoi and Hanoi Medical College found that of the nearly 3,000 students surveyed, only 16 percent claimed to have had sex, and a third of them didn’t use condoms their first time. The study also found that approximately 25 percent of Vietnamese students are too embarrassed to buy protection. Hopefully this incident, which has garnered worldwide attention, will convince at least some of them to get the fuck over it.

We have no trouble believing that people who wish to have sex might try anything that seems even remotely plausible in order to accomplish that objective. We do have a hard time believing that only 16% of students in medical school will admit to not being virgins. Just a hunch, but this could be a cultural thing, the admission, not the act.

Super-Weird Request

(Not really important paperwork.)This past September, a Seattle man was taken into custody after asking local police if they had come across his missing briefcase full of cocaine. According to Seattle police, Officer Doug Jorgenson was directing traffic when a man approached him and handed over a briefcase.

The man said he’d been out walking his dog when another man stopped to pet the dog. When he walked away, he left his briefcase behind. Hoping to discover the owner, Jorgenson opened the case and discovered 154 grams of cocaine, a cellphone, a scale, 50 diazepam pills, some marijuana, and the ID of the 19-year-old briefcase owner.

Not long after the case was turned in, a man approached a group of police officers outside a Seattle Seahawks game and asked if they’d come across it. Officers said the man told them, “It contained some important paperwork, and he really needed it back.” Police later arrested the man for possession of narcotics with intent to sell.

Honestly, this could have turned out for the best. If that’s how well you’re reasoning at 19 years of age, you likely do not have a great criminal career ahead of you. That said, it appears that young people have substantially higher recidivism rates — by like fives times — than their older, wiser, brethren. Of course it could just be that a bunch of them died doing stupid things before they could ever become older offenders.

Weird but Hopefully True

Coffee lovers can say good-bye to Viagra now that a new coffee called “Stiff Bull” offers an erection that can last for days. Billed as a “relationship saver” on its website, Stiff Bull contains all-natural herbs that “grow wild in the jungles of Malaysia and have been used for centuries by the people of Asia and South America to greatly improve sexual health, libido, and overall wellness.”

One Weird and Talented BaristaThe company claims drinking Stiff Bull can produce an erection that lasts up to three days, although we’re not sure why this is a selling point.

The FDA has urged people to stay away from the coffee as it contains a “secret ingredient,” the Viagra-like drug desmethyl carbodenafil. The drug isn’t listed on the coffee’s packaging and can be harmful to men suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or heart disease. The FDA wrote in their advisory, “This undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found in some prescription drugs such as nitroglycerine and may lower blood pressure to dangerous levels.”

The report goes on to warn consumers the coffee could cause a huge drop in blood pressure, leading to dizziness, fainting, blurred vision, and nausea.

We certainly do not want to get into a safety debate with the FDA, but if you’re not taking prescription drugs, you can at least think about ordering this weird coffee online. That said the side effects “dizziness, fainting, and blurred vision” sorta just sound like you’ve been putting that erection to good use already.

Normal Sex. Weird Collateral Damage.

We-Vibe Pre-WeirdnessA woman from Chicago, identified only by her initials, N.P., is suing sex-toy manufacturer Standard Innovation for allegedly spying on her while she used her vibrator. The sex toy in question, the We-Vibe Rave, is a G-spot stimulator that has smartphone-controlled functionality, enabling people who are not in the same place to exchange messages, participate in video chats, and remotely control the device using the app.

The woman instigating the lawsuit said she used the sex toy a number of times before learning via a Defcon hacking convention talk that Standard Innovation was retaining her personal usage for marketing purposes. The Canadian company collects data via the app, including when it’s running and what the vibration setting is. It was discovered if users registered their email addresses, the company could obtain their personal information.

Eve-Lynn Rapp, an attorney with the law firm representing N.P., said, “This is one of the more incredible invasions of privacy we’ve ever dealt with.”

She explained how the company uses the information to increase the sale of their products, stating, “Given how personal the information is, what the company was doing is inappropriate.”

Standard Innovation released a statement stressing they take issues of privacy very seriously and have updated their terms and conditions, giving users the option not to have their … er … data tracked.

While truly creepy and weird as a policy, we’re thinking that maybe this offended woman does not know how law suits work. If you’re offended when some random company knows when you masturbate, you might not want all that specific data into a public court record. … It seems a weird response, certainly. Maybe just stop using the app?

Weird and Snobby

Hops to the BeerThe craft beer craze of the past decade has created millions of beer snobs, many of whom are more than happy to lecture you on the difference between a Belgian dark ale and a West Coast IPA. But it seems they might not actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. A team of German scientists at the Technische Universität Dresden’s Institute of Food Chemistry have proven that it’s impossible to tell the different chemicals that make up the taste of beer.

The scientists were working on breaking down the components of beer and noted the levels of chemicals varied so much within beer styles of a certain sample, that there’s no way the human palate can distinguish the small nuances of different beers, such as a lager and a stout.

The scientists collected data by looking at a particular group of chemicals known as Maillard Reaction Products. These compounds are known to give beer its taste and color, and are released during the brewing process when the grains are roasted and converted into liquid malt. Publishing their results in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, the scientists agreed there are different chemicals that form the taste and color of a beer, but that these chemicals are so complex the average beer drinker can’t tell the difference.

And here we thought the Maillard Reaction was just the thing that made grilled steaks taste great. We have no idea about the science of the whole thing, but anyone who thinks you cannot tell the difference between a lager and a stout should maybe get out of the lab and actually DRINK the beer. Just sayin’ …

So there you have it. People do strange things, and we all like to hear about it because that helps us think our own strange things simple pale in the face of true weirdness. You may notice that we avoided any potential — and readily available, we assure you — odd stories about our Penthouse Pets, which can happen on a whole new level of weird. We did that because we like to empower them, not make them feel bad in any way. Also, we did not want to get fired.

Pop Shots Russ Karablin

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Russ Karablin Pop Shots TitleThe Penthouse World According to Russ Karablin

By applying graphics inspired by Russ Karablin artwork to T-shirts, Karablin made it possible for both consumers and collectors to own his work. Now he directs his pioneering point of view toward an erotic pictorial starring Lena Nicole and Penthouse Pet Layla Sin.

Was there any hesitation on your part when Penthouse called you about this opportunity?

Quite the opposite. I was very excited about being involved in this. I’ve always been into pinups and the magazine itself. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty open-minded and liberal. It seemed like a great opportunity.

You had a personal connection with Penthouse growing up?

I did. With the magazine itself and the photo layouts. Also with the film Caligula. That widened the connection and made me even more into the Penthouse brand.

Was this exciting to you because of the cachet of working with Penthouse, or was it about the opportunity Penthouse afforded you?

I think it was a little bit of both. The opportunity to oversee a production and be able to handpick the models, the location, the context, and all of that. And the fact that it was for Penthouse magazine? It’s iconic.

Were you looking for something specific when you were casting models?

You know, I’m pretty diversified in that capacity. There’s always inspiration, things that are appealing to Russ Karablin visually, sensually, and so on. Smells, sights, sounds, and tastes. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, and they come in all forms, so the canvas was pretty wide. There are definitely types of women that appeal to me more, but I’m pretty open when it comes to that. All natural is the best.

What was it about Layla and Lena in particular that popped for you?

They reminded me of women I’ve had in the past.

Ha! Did they live up to the memory?

Yeah. They were both pretty chill. Layla was cool. She smiled a lot and was pretty sporting about it all. Lena was a little more fussy, but everything turned out good. We became friendlier toward the end of the shoot. In the last picture they were super friendly.

Did your process start with the models?

No. It started with the setting. In my eye, before I choose anything else, the setting is in my head. Then come the details like two women on a bed, the relaxed atmosphere, and all of that other stuff. I had a vision of it.

What was it about this particular setting that resonated with you?

I’ve often seen old photos, black-and-whites, of naked women in an opium den–like environment. It was always appealing, the way it looked. Not of this world, but more of an old-world feel.

Were you trying to tell a story, or was it more about creating a vibe?

I was trying to make it visually stimulating more than anything else. The story was about two women hanging around a palace, sneaking around, and getting into each other.

Sounds like some deep-seated fantasy of yours.

It had to come from somewhere. So, yeah.

And you tapped into your inner porn director by encouraging the girls to get a little naughty.

I just felt like I should go big or go home. If the opportunity presented itself and everybody was open to it without making it distasteful… it just seemed artistic.

Do you think you pushed the narrative far enough?

There were moments when the models were more into it than other moments, I guess because it was cold out, but I achieved what I set out to do.

Looking at the photos, are they an accurate reflection of your vision?

Yeah, I would say so. And as we went on they became more so. At first I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or how the photos would turn out. Looking through the photos at the end, I am definitely proud of them.

You were nervous?

I’m kind of slow to warm up.

Slow to warm up in general, or was it because of the personal nature of the shoot?

It was the subject matter. It was a new experience. It was because of who was involved.

What helped Russ Karablin turn the corner?

Everyone was very welcoming and really just let me do what I wanted to do. They made it clear they were there to support my vision, and that made it a lot easier to warm up.

Do you have a favorite photo or moment?

The photo where they are crossing hands and touching. That definitely stood out. It is a very sexy photo. It seemed like they weren’t acting. Throughout the shoot there were several moments when I was like, Yeah, this is great.

In hindsight, is there anything you would have done differently?

We had to get things done pretty quickly and turn it around, so you always see things. I could have done this or I could have done that.

Anything in particular?

Making it more artistic. Maybe adding a 3-D component to the shoot or something cool like that. Making it more visually fantastic. I would add more girls into the mix and create that feeling of a harem, choices.

That ties right into what you were saying about how you don’t have a specific type of woman.

Exactly.

If you had gone with the harem idea, what would the first new girl you cast look like?

I like voluptuous women. Natural. Good boobies. Curves. Curves are always nice to touch. For me it’s not about ethnicity or skin tone; it’s about variety.

I heard a rumor about a horse at the shoot…

Yes. I’ve seen some beautiful photos of women outdoors and on horses, and that was very sexy to me. I saw an old Pirelli calendar; a girl who I was seeing was in the calendar, so I noticed it a lot more than any of the other Pirelli calendars. And it happened to be on a farm. Naked girls, horse in the background, and it just seemed … nice.

It’s interesting that your concept was such a departure from what people must expect from you in the streetwear industry.

You always want your audience to look forward to seeing what you do next. To be sort of off-kilter. I guess the other option would have been to shoot beautiful girls in the hood rolling blunts? I don’t know. I think people appreciate that I don’t pigeonhole myself. That’s also why I created three different clothing brands: They each fit a different personality or feeling or mood that I represent. And it was the same for me with the photo shoot.

In manner of brief explanation, as an artist, Russ Karablin displayed a distinct penchant for models either just barely covered or completely in the nude. While we understand this point of view — if for no other reason than he probably attends clothed model shoots all the time — it did require some creative cropping to make the gallery section here in the free world. You can visit the gallery at SSUR if you’d like, and you’ll see a markedly different approach to artistic expression. Talented people tend to be really fun, y’know?

Penthouse Pop Shots Logo

Confidentially, Brett Rossi

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Brett Rossi — Pet Confidential

Brett Rossi ComfyBreathtaking Brett Rossi, our Penthouse centerfold for February 2012 reminds me so much of myself back in the day when I was a Pet. At half my age she’s like my mini-me little sister, only way hotter. Now for the complete scoop on Brett, she provided us with…

26 Things You Did Not Know About Brett Rossi

  1. I love spending hours playing at the barn riding my horse, Virgil. He’s a 6-year-old Friesian Draft that I rescued.
  2. I don’t like to use toilet paper. I always use baby wipes.
  3. If I have a break out I usually do tons of homemade face masks and treat my face with tea tree oil.
  4. I cannot function on anything less than 8 hours of sleep a night. I love to go to bed early and wake up early!
  5. Growing up I wanted to be a cardiologist.
  6. All my friends know that I’m extremely OCD.
  7. My first job was working at Baskin Robbins, and I used to sell mattresses before I got into the adult industry.
  8. I was elected class president in the 6th grade.
  9. My favorite flowers are sunflowers & lilies.
  10. I danced for 13 years ballet, and I played on the varsity water polo team as the goalie through out high school.
  11. I’m a coffee addict and I drink it every day.
  12. I love the Pinterest APP on my phone.
  13. The Great Gatsby is my all-time favorite book.
  14. My favorite show to watch on TV is Criminal Minds.
  15. Penthouse Pet Kayden Kross is my mentor. And adult star Dani Daniels and Pet Samantha Saint have been my best friends for 6 years
  16. Home is my favorite place to hang out. I also love going to the museum, or a zoo.
  17. I’m one of the few people that actually hate Las Vegas.
  18. My favorite saying is,“Forgiveness is the scent of a rose still clinging to the heel that crushed it.”
  19. My favorite country to travel to has been ICELAND!
  20. Seaweed is my go-to comfort food.
  21. I am allergic to milk, lobster, and hay — which really sucks when you own a horse. If I don’t cover my hands and arms, or if I touch my face after I touch hay I get huge red welts everywhere.
  22. I am involved with and support the World Wild Life Foundation.
  23. I love the smell of Pink Jasmine.
  24. I cannot stand the smell of bad breath.
  25. Growing up I had a cat, two ducks, multiple ferrets, and a pig. Currently I have 3 dogs (2 are rescues) — a Chow/American Eskimo named Charles, a Lab mix named Sam, and the newest addition to the family, a mini-Pom named Dior.
  26. I pride myself on my interior decorating skills. Holidays are my favorite time of the year to deck my halls with festive cheer.

When you get to know her, you’ll find Brett fiercely loyal with a huge heart to match her outgoing personality. She’s passionate for the people and practices she cares most about, not the least of which animal rescue and adoption. Brett’s also environmentally conscious and an advocate of recycling, which makes her the perfect Pet to profile in our Green Issue. [March 2016 was “The Green Issue” we found out when we looked it up. Oddly, we found Kermit nowhere inside, but perhaps we missed the point. -Ed.]   

Coming off a much-publicized relationship last year and an almost 3-year professional hiatus, Brett now finds herself happily living the single life and back in the filmmaking saddle again. Not ironically, this past December Brett co-hosted The Single Life with me (my Vivid Radio SiriusXM 791 show [both now sadly relegated to history]) and broke the news publicly that she was returning to the adult entertainment industry.

Toward that goal, Brett recently signed with Penthouse Pet Kayden Kross’ company TrenchcoatX for exclusive content. Known in the biz for her gorgeous glamour model solo shoots and sexy girl/girl performances, Brett’s past work has garnered several AVN and XBIZ nominations in all-girl categories. I have news for you, her return to porn promises even bigger, better and wetter surprises in store for her fans!

This year Brett decided to take her show on the road, so you can catch her in action feature dancing her way across the country. Follow her for her current tour dates and schedule at Twitter and Instagram [and quite a few other places now]. You can also check out her official website BrettRossi.com for all sorts of fun things.

Brett Rossi ... Cookies

Obviously these photos were all taken some months before the actual publication, so we’re not sure of the exact timing. That said, we want to be clear that Brett Rossi can make us Christmas cookies any time of the year she feels like it.

We did in fact reach out to Brett to see what has been happening since Sam’s visit, and she sent us an update.

“In 2019 I took a step back from shooting mainstream adult movies to focus on other business ventures and my feature dance career as well as exclusively shooting for my website brettrossi.com. My work outside of performing has been recognized and earned a spotlight XBIZ magazine’s “women of adult” segment as well as being nominated as “Feature Entertainer Of The Year” for the 2024 Exotic Dancer Awards. I also have been working on some mainstream projects as well as scoring a lead role in a mainstream feature film that will begin filming in September. Other than that, I spend time with my 3 horses and my dog, working out and constantly seeking adventure to fulfill my life.”

You may notice there was no mention of her bringing cookies to the office. We noticed, sadly.

Grab ‘Em!

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Preserve, Protect, Grab and Grope the Constitutional Genitals

The above title might not be a bad oath if Donald Trump is elected president, no?

Sex has-no pun-penetrated the politics of our republic since its founding. Whether it be Thomas Jefferson having children with one of his slaves (which was no secret at the time); the numerous affairs of our pre-Civil War presidents; the out-of-wedlock child President Grover Cleveland fathered; the strange and confused start of the twentieth century, which saw the building of a private room off the Oval Office (with an escape door), all for the purpose of enabling Warren Harding’s numerous affairs; the indiscretions of FDR, JFK, Bill Clinton, not to mention the too-numerous-to-mention sex scandals of members of the House, Senate, governorships, and on and on ….

Whether by remark or action, sex is the jelly to politics’ peanut butter. The situation with Trump, however, is different.

And in order to deconstruct why Donald’s remarks were and are (and will be, as undoubtedly we’ll see more vomitous evidence) just that, I must re-nauseate you. A slice of his conversation with former Today show nearly-host Billy Bush caught on a hot mic (emphasis added):

Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

Bush: Uh, yeah, those legs, all I can see is the legs.

Trump: Oh, it looks good.

For men like Trump, it’s much easier to control bits and pieces than it is to engage in a reasonable dialogue with a woman.

President Obama called this (among other things) “insecure.” Others have fallen back on the “immature” excuse. I disagree. Though the remarks may indeed be insecure and immature, they … they’re … How to contextual Mr. Trump’s babble? They’re … fucking … bizarre. Men do not communicate about women — a man’s sexual conquest of a woman — like this. That is, men who are reasonably — just reasonably — well-adjusted when it comes to their sexuality.

Trump continually describes his rant as “locker room” banter. As in, This is what and how men say what they want to say about women. In the locker room.

What locker room is Mr. Trump hanging out in? Is there a locker room in the deviant block at some nearby federal prison of which I’m unaware? A locker room he frequents? I have to say, I’ve been around the block, and I’ve never heard any guy describe the action of “grabbing a woman by the pussy.’ Grabbing? What does that even look like?

Sure, of course, men objectify women, usually when men gather at a man-event. She has a nice ass; she has this; she has that. When it really gets rolling it can get quite childish. And there is no doubt that men who feel the need to overexplain and hyper-boast about their sexual conquests are either insecure about their own sexual performance, insecure about their personal sexuality in general, incredibly immature, or simply confused about where they fit in the gay-to-straight continuum.

Trump took it a step further, as he does. He wasn’t talking about women. He was talking about “it:” Grab ’em by the pussy. It looks good. More remarks that suggest that when Donald sees a woman, he really doesn’t see a woman. He sees a collection of “its.’ He looks at a woman as one may look at a bunch of Lego pieces. A pile of “its.” Things. Bits and pieces. And let’s be honest: For men like Trump it’s much easier to control bits, pieces, “its;’ than it is to engage in a reasonably normal sexual dialogue, verbal and non-verbal, with a woman. It’s easier to address bits than it is to see and contextualize any type of relationship, minor to major, with the entire being. The whole woman.

This explains why he doesn’t really talk about grabbing a particular woman by her genitals. It’s “grab ’em” by the genitals. The piece. The part. He might as well have been talking about grabbing a woman by the appendix, by the gall bladder. Those are pieces of anatomy that don’t have a mouth to verbalize an objection. The appendix doesn’t object, scream, or scowl. It just … is.

And whereas the whole woman speaks, opines, contradicts, adds, and subtracts from conversation and ideas, the “pussy” can’t talk (unless the internal manifestation of what Donald thinks about a woman’s genitals does in fact speak to Donald, wanting him, soliciting … l mean we’re getting into real nut-job territory here).

Regardless of which scenario you believe, the remarks betray what is becoming a truism: Every woman of a particular type Trump interacts with is a sexual employee, including “pussies” and “tits” and “legs.” The body whole is broken down into its component parts. Even if he never hires, talks to at length, or touches them.

Reasonably well-adjusted men speak about the women they know as entire beings; they do not speak about them like the Tooth Fairy in Silence of the Lambs: “It places the lotion in the basket,” etc. This is the psychosexual control that Donald needs to project. It’s an eerie type of an expression of power. That’s why he had to tell Billy Bush that, regarding women, “I don’t even wait. And when you ’re a star, they let you do it.” Or, more salient: “You can do anything.”

See, here’s the heart of the matter: You can’t do anything. You may think you can do anything. You may even get away with doing anything. But there’s a term for this: sexual assault.

Donald Trump cannot make the rudimentary connection that adults (and teens as well) are expected to make: What I think of myself, my power, the perception of my power, how much I bloviate, how many people turn out to see me rant … all of that does not add up to a permission pill that allows me to, without invitation, engage in a kissing contest, grab a vagina, and generally play checkers with the body parts of women I find attractive.

After the story broke, Donald’s running mate, Mike Pence, took a couple of days of meditative mandatory bullshit silence trying to square the circle. He rates his value system as thus: “I’m a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican in that order:” So, obviously, none of what Trump said or did fits in that particular narrative; however, Pence very cleverly avoided this political Rubik’s Cube by … just … kind of … ignoring his My Values Ratings Scale and maintaining his deal with the devil with the hope that he will be president in 2020 or 2050 or whatever calculation he made in allowing this particular piece of hypocrisy to become digestible.

Pence summed up his feelings with the same worn-out cliche we’ve been hearing for over a year: Let Trump be Trump.

Haven’t we been doing that? And how’d that work out?

As we well know by now, it turns out that the less chance than “a case of canned yams” did in fact grab the Presidency. And he may do it again, as utterly mystifying as that may be to some. You may also recall a noteworthy march of women after that election which may or may not have included a lot more participants than his innaguration address. What you think on that topic — and ultimately on January 6th — may depend entirely upon whether or not you were watching television at the time. We have proven we can have a democracy. We have not proven we can have a Democracy with social media. So that’s going to be interesting to watch. If only the results did not matter as much as they do.

The Case of the Military Parade

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Pomp, Circumstance and the Parade

Ready or not, here it comes: Trump’s military parade is a go this coming fall.

Is it necessary? No, it’s really not. It’s not like twenty-first century America’s lacking for pageantry when it comes to war and the military. Is it responsible? We’re in year 17 of an endless war on terror and extremism, and estimates peg this parade in the area of $30 million. It is decidedly irresponsible. Will it be fun? You know, even this crabby Irishman has to admit it’ll probably be a really good time.

We’re still months away and I already know I’ll use it as an excuse to get away from the family for a weekend and drink too much with friends and former brothers and sisters in arms and wake up on my brother’s couch wondering why and how there’s a bruise shaped like the state of Missouri on my leg.

Tanks and artillery guns and polished infantry soldiers rolling down Constitution Avenue may prove a strange sight, but something similar happened post-Gulf War and the soul of the republic didn’t immediately go black. We’ll be okay. (That we clearly and definitively won that earlier war is an aside perhaps worth noting. Anyhow.) What unsettled me most is the parade’s scheduled date: Veterans Day, on the centennial of the end of World War I.

Veterans Day, of course, grew out of Armistice Day, an old holiday that honored the same World War I anniversary in an ultimately futile attempt to keep human beings from killing each other for resources and power. Having an inaugural tribute to a military mired in perpetual conflict on the centenary of that seems…vulgar is one word that comes to mind. Dense is another. Here’s World War I vet and writer Robert Graves with some thoughts on the subject, from his poem “Country At War”:

“And what of home — how goes it, boys/ While we die here in stench and noise?”

A hundred years later, it shouldn’t be about us. It should still be about them.

Then there’s the whole Veterans Day overlap.

In theory, I get it. We have three main patriotic holidays in America. One — the Fourth of July — is reserved for fireworks and good times, while another — Memorial Day — is for honoring the fallen…and holding mattress sales. So when Pentagon chief Jim Mattis and others got tasked with the new parade, their options were limited. But there’s a not-insignificant difference between veterans and active servicemembers, and it’ll be interesting to see how that difference is navigated in the planning and at the event.

Parades remembering the past (even a nostalgic past) can convey the complexity, the mix of pride and sadness that war should conjure in a citizenry. … Can parades honoring the present do the same?

By honoring veterans and Veterans Day, society is paying homage to a fixed past — things that cannot be changed or altered, but perhaps learned from and studied. Something occurred, sometimes just, sometimes not, unfortunately, and now it’s in the annals of history. Men and women who were part of that history serve as living touchstones for those annals — walking connective tissue in a way. It can’t be said enough that war, no matter how just, is not glory. It’s state-sanctioned violence. Who knows that best, and can speak to it personally? Vets.

Parades remembering that past (even a nostalgic past) can convey the complexity, the mix of pride and sadness that war should conjure in a citizenry. Can parades honoring the present do the same? I’m not sure. I hope so. We have parade-like events already, of course, involving the active military — Fleet Week most prominently.

But a parade modeled after France’s Bastille Day, as the president wants, goes well beyond even the Fleet Week celebration and ceremony. (That Bastille Day commemorates a toppling of the rich from power is another aside perhaps worth noting. Anyhow.) What does it say about the state of America — and America’s relationship to war and service — that the spectacle of the immediate trumps all, even memory?

Hell if I know. But my man Graves might. Here he is again, from his classic 1929 memoir Good-Bye to All That: “Patriotism, in the trenches, was too remote a sentiment, and at once rejected as fit only for civilians or prisoners.”

So that’s who the parade will really be for. Which is fine, in its way. Let’s just be honest about it. Vets and civilians alike.

Which brings me back to that intersection between veteran and active servicemember: I’m sure come November everyone will be good and respectful. Vets will feel bad for the marching slicksleeves, promising to buy them drinks once it’s all over. The slicksleeves will be eager to hear some vet stories, as something in the tales may prove helpful to their future combat tours.

That vets will be watching this Veterans Day will be an oddity noticed by many but understood by few. (That’s an assumption on my part, and I suspect a couple veterans’ groups will play roles in the parade — but you really think the powers that be are gonna let the angry and the righteous in our ranks march past Dear Leader on his dream day? I’m skeptical. Though a platoon-size element of long-haired grunts who met at the VA marching down Constitution Avenue behind all the pomp and polish would be a sight to see.)

There won’t be any Bonus Army-type nonsense between veteran and soldier. Not in 2018, at least. But this parade will serve as a marker that separates the two groups a little bit more than time and experience already have. That’s uncomfortable. Not a doubt in my mind it’ll still be so, come the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month in Washington.

See you there.

Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood (Atria/Simon & Schuster). He also writes for Penthouse when he can, and we like him a lot.

As some of us recall, there was a lot of controversy surrounding the sort of parade that many people view as more typical for dictatorships and authoritarian regimes than democracies. We know the first planned even got cancelled because people found out about a $92 million price tag, and then the Veterans’ Day idea got scuttled, perhaps for many of the reasons outlined here. Eventually they had a July 4th event it seems like, but like many things during that era, one has a hard time recalling what was real and what was just a sudden idea released to the world via a middle of the night tweet.

Having just past Memorial Day this year, though, one of us remembered an article that touched a note here in the office during the chaotic — or really super great, depending on one’s point of view — Trump Presidency. We dug it out again, because apparently, we’re all going to be looking back at “what was/is” for the next five months or so. Oh, goodie/dang.

CyberCutie Duals (not Duels)

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Evolution: CyberCutie Duals

Since Publishing has gone from dual-Pet issues to quad-Pet issues recently, we decided we could follow up with an expansion of that theme and offer a feature called CyberCutie Duals which would highlight two of our earlier CyberCutie winners in one update. Twice as many must be better, obviously. To be clear, we have nothing to do with the model selection process around here because that kitchen already has way too many cooks in it, so we find it prudent to stay out of there — y’know, because we can’t stand the heat.

Therefore we cannot really offer any insights into why any specific model might fall into any specific category. If anybody has any written guidelines somewhere, we’ve never seen them, certainly. We say that to avoid folks writing in asking quesitons about why this or why that when it comes to the decision-making process. You can ask, but we’re just going to answer, “Good question. We’ve no idea.”

Consequently, save yourself some time and simply enjoy two CyberCuties from this time of year back in 2017. That was seven years ago now, and yet we still remember liking these two a lot. None of us will admit to a “score” even once in this case, however, so it must be a completely different four score and seven years ago that we’re thinking about.

CyberCutie Dual | Eliza Jane — CyberCutie May 2017

Stats: 34-25-36
Height: 5’4″
Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT

You have a pretty unique approach to opportunity.

Definitely. I have a tendency of going through life trying things that present themselves to me. Same with camming.

Camming presented itself to you?

A friend of mine mentioned webcamming to me. I had never heard of it before. I logged on to Chaturbate to check it out, and just found myself watching show after show. I watched cammers everyday for like three months and decided to give it a try.

And?

I was addicted after my first time. It was my first time naked in public, and I just watched the room count go from the hundreds into the thousands. One guy tipped me and asked for a come show. I didn’t even have any toys. I ran to my room, grabbed a Pikachu toy, and started rubbing my clit with it. It was overwhelming to think of all those people watching me masturbate.

Real orgasm or fake orgasm?

Real. It was like a fear-orgasm — a huge adrenaline rush for me to come in front of all of those people. That orgasm knocked me out. I’m still chasing that feeling.

How do you deal with off-the-wall fan requests?

I will go out of my way to become whatever anyone wants me to be as long as it’s not hurtful or dangerous. I once filled a giant inflatable pool with as much olive oil as I could afford, and just slid around in it for hours. I felt slippery for days. The irony of extra-virgin olive oil didn’t escape me.

CyberCutie Dual | Marley Love — CyberCutie June 2017

Stats: 32-25-37
Height: 5’7″
Hometown: Mitchell, IL

I hear you’ve had some pretty strange requests in your chat room …

The craziest was when someone who was trolling my room tipped me thousands of tokens to get my attention. Then he asked me to put a turban on my head and write “Isis” on my tits.

Yeah, I’ll just go ahead and assume you didn’t honor that one.

No, but I did when someone requested a hula-hoop come show.

A wha…?

Hula-hooping while doing a dildo come show. I was working the dildo while hula-hooping with my foot.

Wow. Were you able to come?

I did! It took about 20 minutes and a lot of concentration. I have strong legs. I was pretty light-headed from the come-euphoria, but my legs were fine. My brain hurt more than anything.

Is hula-hooping a recurring theme?

It is. Burlesque-style dancing, hula-hooping, and my glorious toys.

OK. So these may not be amongst the most thought-provoking or controversial articles to show up on penthouse.com for sure, but we see nothing wrong with lighter topics as well. How many of us ever really thought about masturbating while operating a hula hoop, for example. Honestly we wonder how anyone even discovered that watching this particular activity really floated their boat, but odds are we may not really want to know the answer to that question. … We did discover there are actually “types” of hula hoops, but in the quick reading we did no one seemed to mention Marly’s particular use of the product.

If we would have thought about this at the time we could have had a CyberCutie Dual with an actual Duel too — not to the death or anything, more like to la petite mort. Feel free to look that up.

Marriage Pass

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Taking a Pass at Marriage

So I recently did something I’m not proud of: After a night of many, many, many, many drinks — and perhaps a few other components — I hit on my friend’s wife.

I only know I did this because I was informed of it, by her, the following day. The subject line of the email read “Last night,” and its body detailed my slurred attempts to make a play for this unsuspecting woman.

None of it was lecherous, just clumsy and extremely uncouth. I, of course, replied, offering my sincerest apologies and clarifying that, had I been anywhere in the vicinity of my right mind, I never would have thought of, much less attempted, such an insane venture. I sent my slighted buddy — her spouse — a text stating the same. He was cordial, though I suspect I won’t be invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

In the days following my faux pas, my conscience took very few breaks from tearing into me, which I was fine with. I deserved it. The last thing you do after taking a figurative whiz on a couple’s marital vows is look for sympathy. In under a week, I believe I had three marginal panic attacks, four sleepless nights, and a roughly 120-hour stomachache. Again, all of this was fitting penance for my incredible misstep.

While I was seeking counsel, some dear friends of mine, both male and female — incidentally, I refer to them as “dear” because they spared me the obvious “you fucked up” lectures — gave me open-minded guidance and advice.

They said, “You’re only human,” and “It happens,” and “This will pass in time.” Their kind words were appreciated, whether they meant them or not. My friends allowed me, and me alone, to kick myself while I was down, as they realized two pointed feet were more than enough.

But where was the lesson in all of this? What was the takeaway? Was it that, in a perfect world, you could betray a friend’s trust and he and his spouse might eventually just get over it? When posed with this question, my faithful companions should have responded with, “Get your brains out of your balls and stop looking for poetic meaning in making a pass at your friend’s wife.”

But nobody gave that, or any other, answer. So I continued to haplessly search for my own meaning in all of this and stopped pestering my pals for a life lesson in a complicated situation they didn’t cause.

This treasure hunt, at times aimless, at other times infuriating, eventually drove me to the greater realization I’d hoped for: Traditional marriage is not for me.

After years of stressing over my commitment issues, questioning my reluctance to settle down, and the idea of long-term relationships giving me the same sick feeling I had every night the weekend I headlined at a fish restaurant called Off the Hook in Marco Island, Florida, I finally understood that it wasn’t me. It was you, Marriage.

But what the fuck does this have to do with the shitty thing I did to my friend and his wife? I’d like to think there’s a profound connection. I haven’t been living my truth. Ugh, I hate that expression, even when it applies. But not living my truth led to not loving my life, led to not seeing my worth, led to not realizing my potential.

The undercurrent of discontent in my head, even though unrealized and unnoticed, is probably what caused me to attempt to sabotage someone else’s happiness, albeit inadvertently.

I’m not trying to put too fine a point on the matter. I get that sometimes we drink, sometimes we drink too much, sometimes we black out, and sometimes we hit on the wrong person: bosses, coworkers, a friend of your mom’s, a distant cousin, a less distant cousin, and so on.

But I can’t help but believe that the mom in A Christmas Story had a lengthy string of subconscious motivations that started well before she accidentally broke that leg lamp. The dad knew what was really going on. “You used up all the glue ON PURPOSE!”

The actual conception of marriage is a bit hard to pin down, but I do know its initial roots lie in legend. And that’s a fact. So it’s time I put marriage on the same shelf on which I’ve set other storied illusions to collect dust. I’ve previously let go of voting, belief in teamwork, faith in progressivism, and my chances of ever actually constructing a working light saber.  Wedded monogamous bliss must now join the aging pack.

Not to say I’ll pursue lovelessness and die alone. No way. I’m gonna get married someday. And as I ask you to wipe that “What the fuck are you talking about?” look off your face, I’ll state that I’m aware of my contradiction and, better yet, I have a solution for it: platonic marriage.

A healthy senior sex life is a nice notion if we all have the money and opportunity age like Christie Brinkley. Problem is, you’ll still end up having to fuck John Mellencamp.

Here’s how it works: A friend and I — neither of us having any interest in standard matrimony — will pledge to live and grow old together, through the good times and bad, without the bond being muddied by sex or romantic intimacy. I love the friend, the friend loves me, so we take care of one another and keep our respective boning out of the house.

To be clear, I’m not talking about a couple who swings and swaps. That lifestyle works well for certain people, but I want a union completely devoid of sex — nothing to do with making love, everything to do with sustaining it.

Besides, I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly worried about getting laid into my twilight years. I’m tired now, for Christ’s sake. But if I really need to get some squish at eighty-four, I’ll go see a hooker … a much, much, much younger hooker.

A healthy senior sex life is a nice notion if we all have the money and opportunity to age like Christie Brinkley. Problem is, even if you do, you’ll still end up having to fuck John Mellencamp. If that’s the fate that awaits me, I’ll gladly keep my companionship separate from my coitus.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to recognize intercourse as merely a means to an end. There’s nothing sacred about it. That’s why it’s called “getting off,” as in, “I’m done here and I need to quickly abscond from this situation.” If sex were truly special, it’d be called “getting on,” as in, “I’m here for the full ride, the long haul.” When it comes to fucking, I don’t need a life partner. I need a brief cooperative.

And if you’re wondering about kids … don’t. For starters, I don’t want them. But if the unlikely day that I do ever arrives, there’s no shortage of ways to obtain them outside of the act of marital conception: laboratories, adoption, fostering, and more. Hell, I bet I could even find one abandoned on the street if I really kept my eyes open. However, in that situation, I’d do my research to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN the child had been legitimately discarded before I took it home.

I don’t want to deal with the issues that traditionally complicate a marriage. Do we want a big family or a small one? Are your sexual desires identical to mine? If not, do I really have to try that? Are you still attracted to me? Why do we always have to fall asleep to Top Chef?

None of these issues matter in a platonic marriage. All that matters is that I’ll be with someone dear to me — someone who’d give me advice like, “Get your brains out of your balls” — and we’ll have each other’s backs, unconditionally, till death do us part. And if someone tries to fuck my friend, I won’t care.

Also, I’ll no longer be acting out in the unhealthiest of ways. Instead, I’ll be (sorry!) living my truth.

Joe DeRosa is an L.A.-based comedian, writer, director, and actor (Better Call Saul and Louie). His multiple stand-up specials and albums can be found online, as well as his podcasts We’ll See You in Hell and Emotional Hangs. Because we were curious, we looked up marriage rate trends (via Dr. Google) just to see the results. Turns out marriage rates are less than half what they were in 1970, which probably comes as no surprise for a variety of reasons that we dare not delve into here. Divorces are near an all-time low over that period, though, which could simply mean that people are making better decisions. … Sure. Let’s go with that.

Talking up a Stormi

Posted on by Team Penthouse

A Stormi Maya Conversation

All right. I’m here with our pet Stormi Maya doing a quick AVN interview. So what have you been up to since you were Pet of the Month?

Stormi: I have been doing a lot of things within my music career and Cinnamon Babe. We have some amazing collabs in the works. I actually just had a song release today with the band Varsity. Our song “Rain Check” just got premiered on Sirius XM Octane. So I’m really excited for the music of 2024. Unfortunately, there was an acting strike all last year, so I wasn’t able to film any new projects.

Well, before that there was a show, right? What show were you on right after being a Pet?

Stormi Maya Arriving for Conversation ... (no kidding)Stormi: I did lead my own show called Heaux Phase where I played a teenage mom and then I was in Irv Gotti’s movie called Made in America as a third lead. Right after Penthouse, I also was on the show Wu-Tang on Hulu and an HBO show That Damn Michael Che. I plan for a ton of new projects for 2024 too, now that the strike is over.

So last year I mostly focused on music. I did a lot of shows, and I collaborated with OTEP. …

Oh! That’s a big name…

Stormi: Now I have a song called “The MAN”

Were you able to film or record that in the studio with them…

Stormi: Oh, yes. We recorded together and then we did a music video together. And then she came out to one of my shows ‘cause I was performing at The Viper Room … me and Love Ghost – that’s who I perform with. We have a song coming out this year together as well. I have some great music stuff in the works, and I plan on going on a tour soon.

Nice. Is there anything you didn’t do? You did TV, then so much with your music. You had a baby…

Stormi: I had a baby in September. (laughs)

But you never stopped working, though, that whole time?

Stormi: No, I didn’t. I worked the entire time. I actually was pregnant when I went to Australia with Penthouse.

Oh, wow.

Stormi: I was eight weeks pregnant … I was dealing with some morning sickness on the 20 hour trip that left me tired…

And the time difference, too…

Stormi: I mean, I made it work, and I got through pregnancy. It made me a stronger person. And now I’m happily the proud owner of a baby boy. …

Oh! I’m in college now. I’m going for my bachelor’s in finance.

Nice. Okay. A pretty girl could do math.

Stormi: Yeah, I went to college already for two years for business administration. Focusing on, primarily, finance and marketing. Now I’m going for my bachelor’s in finance.

What’s the goal?

Stormi: You know what it is? I believe in it. I’m just not limiting myself. I like stacking on my accomplishments and showing what I can do, and I think that a woman like me who’s in this line of work … I think that it’s very empowering for someone like me to show that I also I’m intelligent, because I think one thing that gets used against us is that people in power think that we’re not intelligent.

They think we use our bodies because that’s a last resort. Instead of thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s a passion.” Or maybe we feel sexy, like, you know, we’re comfortable. We like it. We enjoy it. I think it’s a good representation for women like me that we’re multifaceted. I think that having a degree is a great backup plan.

It also helps you with critical thinking, and it helps you with your future, because who knows what you’re going to want to do down the road? People forget that like this is still a business, and it’s good to have a business brain while you’re in it.

People don’t realize the amount of marketing and branding, even the finance knowledge, that you have to know in order to…

In order not to get swindled…

Stormi: Exactly. It’s a business. A lot of guys think that we’re not smart women, but if you’re not smart in this industry, you’re going to get eaten alive. That’s what I’m doing now. … I have so many products in the works right now. For example, my AI clone just dropped today.

AI? Ok, add that to your accomplishments.

Stormi: Yeah, so I have this AI Clone where guys can speak to her 24/7, and a video version of her is coming soon as well. They’ll be able to video chat with her, and they’ll be able to request photos of her generated in any scenario. You can say, “I want to see Stormi naked in a Starbucks … I want to see Stormi naked inside of a football stadium or The Viper Room,” and you can have that created for you.

A lot of people criticized me for that decision too. They said, “why would you want to create a clone of yourself?” And I’m like, “AI is here. You’re either going to be a part of it or it’s going to get right past you, and you’re going to be begging to be on board after it’s already been gobbled up by everybody else.”

Or someone’s going to take advantage and do it without you.

Stormi: It’s going to happen one way or another. I’ve already Googled myself and have seen AI versions of me, so I might as well capitalize off it. It also kind of protects me because I have a contract signed with this company. They’re going to go after anybody that’s infringing on their rights. I sign over my likeness for the next two years to them, for AI, and so if anyone’s trying to replicate that, they’re going to go after them legally.

It actually, in a way, protects me because at least I’m going to get compensated for it. And they’re watching my back, and I’m in control of it. … Before the final decision with my AI, I sat down with the company. I got to tell them what I’m not comfortable with my AI doing and saying. She has my personality, and the things that she answers are accurate. If you ask her like, where were you born or what’s your favorite food … I gave that information to them. So you know it’s accurate.

I also have my own pocket pussy coming out.

You got molded, how was that experience?

Stormi: I got to do it privately. So I didn’t have I didn’t have an audience, luckily. I actually got instructions where I could do it myself. …

You didn’t have to go into one of those very sterile rooms…

Stormi: No, you get a kit. I was able to do it from home where it was more comfortable, and once again, I got to be on board with the packaging, how we’re going to market it, like that.

My followers are very excited about it. I’ve been thinking about adding some VR porn alongside with it, maybe some P.O.V. videos of me alongside of it would be hot.

Yeah. While they’re chatting up your AI bot…

Stormi: Exactly! You got your pocket pussy, playing the music … all the Stormi experience.

Then I also have my own hentai manga coming out.

No!

Stormi: Yes. Twenty-page short story of me as a giantess, and I’m having sex with all these regular-sized men.  I’m very dominant. It’s even hand-drawn. I hired a script writer, everything. It’s going to print and I’m going to have a limited edition starting off. … It’s awesome. They drew these designs of me with the big hair…

I tell my followers, “She’s willing to do things I’m not willing to do because I don’t do boy/girl scenes and stuff. So it was a way for me to kind of give my followers stuff without having to compromise, but I’m comfortable with it.

Like with the clone and like hentai, I can give them a version of myself doing what they want without having to do it myself.

You’re very creative. I love it.

Stormi: They can still have a visual of me in these scenarios, but I don’t have problems with that. And they love it. I like to stay busy, and I like to create things for my followers to get excited about. … Oh! And my calendar just dropped.

I tell people I’m very old school with the way I do things. I feel like a lot of girls now, they miss so many money opportunities. You work hard to have such a huge brand. You can sell your followers almost anything if it’s on brand. … I feel like some people missed the mark, where I like to capitalize off all of it.

If they love it, they get to have parts of me. I’ve been doing a million things, staying busy right now at home all day. I’m constantly thinking of new ideas.

The movie industry is slow right now, so following up with other things, keeping busy, making money, and I’m trying to make some more … I can’t completely call it passive, but the majority qualifies as passive, income. And you don’t have to like it.

I don’t have to wake up every day and work on the AI clone and the pocket pussy. Once I put them out there, people start buying them, then the company will send them out. I’m doing the front-end work, but then once it’s set in stone, I don’t have to get up every day and work on it. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I do all the porn star stuff without being a porn star. So, you know, it’s good.

Let’s talk about your haters on IG and Twitter. They’re always coming for you — women in metal. They are out to get you. Thank you so much for pioneering that war, because that’s really what it is.

Stormi: Oh, my goodness…  I think once you put yourself out there like a sex symbol … a lot of times, with any other lines you want to cross, they try to discredit you. They try discredit me as an actress … as a musician, as a businesswoman, anything … even as a mother. It’s like the Madonna whore complex, you know. Once you’re that whore to them, they can’t see you as anything else.

Because my messages are a little bit more radical and they’re deeper, they just can’t connect the dots. Like, “Why? How can this woman that shows her body also, you know, do anything else?”

It is sometimes funny balancing these different images of myself, like Cinnamon Babe. It’s powerful, strong, you know, that says whatever she wants. And then being like a man’s fantasy …  it’s funny balancing both, because you realize a lot of men’s fantasy comes down to just you shutting up.

I mean, not your fans. …

Stormi: I think they love me, too, because they like dominant women. I used to be a dominatrix. I think that a lot of people who are attracted to me, they like more of the dominant woman.

Empowered women. Strong women.

Stormi: I think my followers like that I’m a kick ass bitch, you know.

And you don’t stop. You just keep going…

Stormi:  When I was pregnant, I was doing content every day. I was livestreaming every day while I was pregnant. So I did a lot of pregnancy content … huge market for that, huge market for pregnancy and lactation. I definitely capitalize off of it.

Actually, when I was pregnant, I tried to hide it for a while because I was afraid of like how people were going to receive it. … You know, I lost like 50,000 followers on Instagram for it, and I did lose some of my OnlyFans people too. Honestly, it got me down at first. But then I thought about it a different way and decided to find people who like me the way I am currently. So I went out there and I marketed being sexy and pregnant, and I found my audience, and I felt very sexy while I was pregnant.

You know, I’m a sexy mama.

Okay, so you obviously were pregnant and then you lost followers when you announced it, correct? Do you think that when you can no longer do lactation videos, and now you don’t have the belly, that it’s going to flip back? Are you going to lose those followers and gain back other non-lactation mommy followers, or do you think they’ll stick with you?

Stormi: You know I try never to stress myself about who stays and goes. I have my big ones that stick with me no matter what, and I’ve had thousands of men who were with me from the beginning, and they were with me when I was pregnant, and they’re with me afterwards.

They’re loving me and all the versions that I come in.

They love you for you.

Stormi: I feel like I have more [followers] that I do focus on, not the flip floppers. I focus more on the ones that are dedicated to me. That’s where I keep my attention, you know? I can’t really get distracted by people who like me now but might not like me later.

I love that you’re so positive.

Stormi: Ha! … I try to be. You have to be. … You have to be. Being an entertainer in any regard, especially when you put yourself out there to the world, when you’re vulnerable with your body, it can be very mentally draining. Everyone’s going to comment on your most vulnerable self – you naked – and your body and how you look. You have to have a very thick skin for this.

I have that. I’m very tough, so the Internet doesn’t really faze me. I’m like, whatever…

I’m able to do what I love full time. I’ve been selling sexy for forever now, my whole adult life, really. I’ve been able to sell sexy since I turned 18 years old. I’m still selling sexy at age twenty-eight.

It’s keeping food on the table, so clearly I’m doing something right.

Clearly you are sexy.

Stormi: Thank you. I try. … I try. I really do.

All right. Do you have any last words or SOMETHING. Where should we be looking for more Stormi Maya?

Stormi: The AI will come from this company called me4u.ai where you’ll see my bot’s right up there. Um, the pocket pussy I will be releasing soon. Just follow on Instagram or any of my channels.  Then the manga will be coming out around March 2024. … I’m doing everything basically one at a time, so it’s not like all jumbled up together.

And are you releasing merch with your manga? Can we get some Stormi Maya t-shirts?

Stormi: That will be coming next. … I have a lot of stuff coming for y’all this year, and the 2024 nude calendar is already out there. I have so much stuff coming this year. It’s just going to be a marketing mama session.

I love you, Penthouse. Thank you for always being there for me.

We could not find the calendar available anywhere, so it could be sold out it seems. We did find Stormi’s Site, though, which has a very fun BTS video (available for free) of the calendar shoot. You can bookmark the page, and even though you may have to keep track of the date yourself, you can still come back and visit Stormi a lot. That’s our plan. … OH! And if you somehow missed Stormi the first time around, her Pet Page is free too.

Thirty-Eight Minutes

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Thirty-Eight Minutes that Changed Lives

Thirty-eight minutes that will live in digital infamy.

In January, back when the entire continental United States was stuck in a cold snap that seemed like it was never going to end, the Aloha State went through a different sort of panic: the sudden destruction and ruin from above kind.

Pushed out on television and radio, as well as cell phone texts, the emergency alert was clear as day: BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL

It wasn’t a drill. But it wasn’t real, either.

Within the hour, government and military officials would announce that there was no threat. It turned out that someone at the state’s Emergency Management Agency had pressed the wrong button.

Seriously.

(Tinfoil-hat brigade, this is your moment. Bring your best theories to next year’s Conspiracy Convention in Vegas, it’s going to be a competitive field.)

Thirty-Eight minutes … in paradise.

This is damn serious business, of course, stupid gallows humor aside. Personally, I’m less interested in how exactly this went down than how our fellow Americans handled those 38 minutes. Already the stories are coming out and they’re wrenching-the father who had to make a choice between which child to spend those final moments with. The surfer bro who said to hell with it, he was going to keep riding waves in Waimea Bay and die as he lived. The mother on duty at Hickam Air Force Base who called home and instructed her two young boys to take shelter in the bathtub.

For people around my age-born in the 1980s — reared in the 1990s — the return of missiles and nuclear weapons as active threats feels surreal. We grew up thinking we were beyond this madness, a relic from the Cold War era and our parents’ lives and generation. Well, well, that snow globe of preciousness done got shattered right quick. Between a volatile North Korean regime and Russian fuck-fuck games in the Baltics and North Atlantic, not to mention an American president with the moral depth and attention span of a gerbil, nuclear and ballistic warfare isn’t a bygone anymore. It’s everywhere, a dark possibility at any moment.

For decades, a century-plus really, “war” for Americans has doubled as destination. It’s something that happens over there, in other nations and parts of the world, in the backyards and neighborhoods of other people. We send some of our sons and daughters there, sure, and they sometimes return and sometimes don’t. But there’s always been a physical distance for the citizen’}’ at large, and a certain sort of psychological distance, too. That psychological distance has grown overtime. I mean, can you imagine a war-bond drive in 2018 America to better connect everyday citizens with the war effort abroad? It’s absurd to even consider.

Between a volatile North Korean Regime and Russian fuck-fuck games, not to mention a U.S. President with the moral depth and attention of a gerbil, nuclear and ballistic warfare isn’t a bygone era anymore.

I think what’s happening in the world now with North Korea and the like pops that psychological bubble. Talking to friends stationed or living in Hawaii reaffirms that. It wasn’t just soldiers and Marines affected by that emergency alert, but tourists, taxicab drivers, teachers, kids … everyone. Suddenly, war was very real and very present. The way it is for too much of the world, every day. Seattle. San Francisco. Los Angeles. Supposedly, even New York and D.C. are in play for some North Korean long-range missiles. These threats never went away, of course — they’ve been there, lurking like death itself, since America first developed the atomic bomb during World War II. So perhaps a “returned awareness” is a more accurate way to describe what’s happening. Readers of previous Embrace the Suck columns know I’ve long called for a more engage relationship to America’s military and our foreign wars by the American public.

This is not what I had in mind.

Meanwhile, according to reports in the New York Times and the Washington Post, the military’s shifting much of its tactical training to a potential ground war in Asia. This includes tunnel warfare, something unseen in American military doctrine since Vietnam. The change follows 17 years of fighting (mostly) low- intensity conflicts and counterinsurgency campaigns in places like Iraq and Afghanistan … conflicts and campaigns that won’t be going away, by the way, no matter what happens on the Korean peninsula or in the Balkans. As ever — not thirty-eight minutes, but — the Forever War endures.

As always, America’s young fighters stand ready on our behalf. It’d be nice if we could stop adding to their battle duties, though, just once this century. We can hope, I guess. But like every drill sergeant on the planet has reminded new privates, time and time again: Hope is not a method.

Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood (Atria/Simon & Schuster).

AUTHOR’S NOTE (In less than thirty-eight minutes)

It would be hard to find a magazine that’s done more for modem war writing than Penthouse. Esteemed Vietnam author Tim O”Br1en wrote for these pages in the seventies. covering congressional meetings and testimonies about the outdated G.I. Bill. Southern Gothic icon Harry Crews wrote here about growing up in rural Georgia to become a Marine sent off to the Korean War. Iraq vet and bad-ass rocker scribe Colby Buzzell took to Penthouse to explore a possible return to military conscription over a decade ago now. And those are Just three names of many. Veterans. and veteran writing, owe this magazine much gratitude.

It’s all because of Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. Guccione’s known for a lot of other things, of course.

Being a fixture in the counterculture for decades will do that. But it was his commitment to getting the raw truth from the battleground. no matter how unvarnished or ugly. that I admire. A generation back, as the chaos of Vietnam swirled and swirled, that wasn’t always welcome in the publishing industry. Guccione didn’t care. He made a commitment then — a tradition that continues today, all these years later — to giving servicemembers and those close to them the space and platform necessary to tell it like it is. In a magazine devoted to the beauties of the human form, he was willing and committed to showing the darkness we possess, too. That’s legit.

Thanks, Bob. Be easy.

M.G.

While hesitant to tack on more than that fine tribute to our founder, we will once again suggest a reading of Matt’s longer-form books still available. These days you can also find him as an expert on many a news program, although they rarely give him the more than thirty-eight minutes he deserves. Mr. Gallagher happens to be one impressive person who spreads his message across many a media outlet. He has an impressive message too.

Wonderboom

Posted on by Team Penthouse

BOOM-Chaka-Laka … Wonderboom

Back in the “before Wonderboom” days, my relationship with music got off to a pretty rocky start. I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I had no control over the radio growing up — that was strictly my mom’s domain. Sure, she meant well, but my young ears were abused by the Annie soundtrack ad nauseam in the early eighties. Shit got a little better a year later when the soundscape of the Aronowitz household was dominated by Flashdance, but not much. (Come to think of it, I can probably attribute my lightweight welding fetish to that movie, but I digress.)

I didn’t really understand the magic of music until I got my own system and was allowed to buy records, tapes, and (eventually) CDs with my allowance money. That’s when it hit me: Music is awesome. (Only certain types of music suck … like show tunes, and Chinese opera.)

And so it began: My youthful experiments with sound. The Art of Noise, Iron Maiden, Kool Moe Dee — blasting on my stereo. Helping me get through my homework, girl problems, and garden-variety teen angst.

But my newfound love affair didn’t really hit its stride until the advent of the iPod in 2001 — that clunky, wonderful, funny-looking device with shitty little headphones that forever changed my relationship with music. Not only was my catalogue now incredibly portable, but I could make playlists — monster mixtapes categorized by mood and genre. It wasn’t long, however, before I found myself wanting more. Needing more.

Even with the iPod, I was still forced to listen on headphones or by plugging into immovable sound systems. Then streaming came along and fucked everything up even more. My playlists were outdated, the iPod was all but obsolete, and I either had to spend a small fortune to feed my music fix through iTunes, or evolve and start all over with some uppity bitch called Spotify. And evolve I did, but something was still missing.

That’s when I met the Wonderboom portable Bluetooth speaker, the latest release from the Swiss geniuses at Ultimate Ears. Sure, she’s short, round, and stubby, but she fucking rocks! Not since the iPod has an invention so profoundly affected my life and listening habits. I bring my music everywhere — be it from room to room, indoors to outdoors, or around the globe. I am no longer a victim of crappy hotel docking stations, music-less pools, or silence in general.

“I now realize that I had an opportunity to see if the Wonderboom would pass the Pet Shower Test, but I fucked that one up as well.”

The Wonderboom may be small, but it has a full sound and bumps big, beautiful bass. It has ten hours of battery life and is waterproof, so you can take it pretty much anywhere. Plus, if you’re feeling kinda loose, you can tether two Wonderbooms together and live your life in full surround.

I would love to say that I road tested the Wonderboom in some type of demented Penthouse way, but alas, I was rather uncreative with it. I should have tested it at the Pet Pool Party we threw in early spring, but I didn’t. I should have experimented to see if “waterproof” also means “lube proof,” but I didn’t do that either. And I now realize that I had an opportunity to see if the Wonderboom would pass the Pet Shower Test (whatever that is), but I fucked that one up as well.

Instead, I paired two Wonderbooms with my iPhone and blasted music in my office while I worked. I closed the door and kept ratcheting up the volume to see if I could get these things loud enough for someone to complain… and it didn’t take long. Apparently, the art department needs to actually concentrate on whatever bullshit they do, and my Tuvan Throat Remix playlist was ruining their focus. Oh well. I lowered the volume and still enjoyed the big sound filling my big office all by my big self.

That is until Rhonda walked in. I forget what she was there for — perhaps to remind me that I suck, or give me the finger, or call me a loser… the typical Rhonda fare. But instead, she looked up at the speakers, smiled, plopped down on my couch, and tried to strike up a normal conversation.

What? I listen to music so I don’t have to listen to people… and one of the worst of them was actually trying to connect with me over what I was listening to and how amazing it sounded. I felt like I was trapped in a paradox, spinning in an endless Rhonda loop.

I guess that’s the only negative thing I have to say about the Wonderboom… that it attracts Rhondas who never leave your office… ever. In fact, I bet she’s in my office at this very moment. Sitting on my couch. Listening to my music. Stupid Rhonda.

Granted, given display at certain angles, the Wonderboom volume controls can begin to resemble some sort of a weird modern religious artifact, but maybe that was on purpose. We know for certain that viewing Emily Addison displaying them in the header image provides its own sort of religious experience, so that works. In furtherance of this reverent theory, we provide the following Emily gallery across a variety of fashion and location.

Since the publication of this article in the magazine, the Wonderboom has evolved to an even better experience. You can still stay current on their site and their general wonderness via the web, naturally. Perhaps more interestingly, Wonderboom has managed to hold its $100 price since 2018, and let’s be honest, a lot happened in between then and now. Oh, and for the record, there really was a “Rhonda” at our offices back then, and some of us still miss her a lot.

Museums … For Sanity

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Museum … After a Day of Stupid …

Back in 1997, some Germans got an idea. For ease of reading, we’ll translate their thought process into English. It went like this: Hey, you know, we’ve got a ton of cool museums but after 5 P.M. they just sit there empty, a zillion marble-floored corridors and white-walled exhibition spaces without a single human being except janitors.

And since Germans are not a wasteful people, they came up with the notion of keeping museums open after­hours. That led to an even bigger thought. How about, they asked themselves, one night a year when a bunch of museums stay open late?

And so was born Lange Nacht der Museen. Long Night of the Museums. The Germans pioneered the concept but now all over the world museums stay open after dark.

The English even coined a term: Lates. One venerable London art museum, for example, promotes “Friday Lates at the National Gallery.” Less crowded, no school kids, and perks like booze, DJs, films, performances. Some museums take on a sexy nightclub feel, with fresh young things boogieing beside the paintings or bronze statues.

We rounded up ten art museums with great “lates.” We’re pretty sure our founder, art lover Bob Guccione, would have been down with this particular “Stupid.”

GEMÄLDEGALERIE (BERLIN)

You like Old Masters? Rembrandt, Titian, Guccione’s beloved Botticelli? You’re in luck. This museum bursts with them. Its octagonal Rembrandt room might have the world’s best collection by the Dutch master. Plus, you can catch Bruegel’s Topsy-Turvy World (1559), which features the Devil taking confession and a woman cheating on her hubby.

TATE MODERN (LONDON)

Housed in a former power station with views across the Thames to St. Paul’s Cathedral, the Tate Modern Museum offers a world-class collection of twentieth century and contemporary art. During “Tate Lates;’ you can sample art in the Switch House, Boiler House, and vast Turbine Hall, while DJs pump out music. Free admission, too. Open till 1 0 P.M. all Fridays and Saturdays.

LOUVRE (PARIS)

The world’s largest art museum, it began as a fortress in 1 202 and by the sixteenth century was a pretty sweet home for French kings. Pop by on a Wednesday or Friday evening and you can run around this treasure-house of 38,000 art objects like Tom Hanks in The Oa Vinci Code until 9:45 P.M. They even offer Code tours that recreate Hanks’s footsteps. [Also, almost anyone can get some really dandy photographs outside of the famous pyramid structure at the entrance too. — Ed.]

GUGGENHEIM (MANHATTAN)

Berlin might have the Long Night, but the City That Never Sleeps kicks ass all the time. Weekends at the Whitney: 1 0 P.M. Weekends at the Metropolitan: 9 P.M. The Museum of Modern Art: Fridays till eight. The Guggenheim takes the cake though. On select Fridays, you can drink and dance until midnight in the spiraling Frank Lloyd Wright-designed building on Fifth Avenue, surrounded by Picassos, Miras, and Manets.

ART INSTITUTE OF CHICAGO

Can’t get to NYC? Maybe you can hit this colossal lakefront gem and party in the Modern Wing until midnight. Live music, booze, appetizers, on special Friday nights. Thursdays, it’s open till eight. During the day, crowds can be crazy. Beat ‘em late….

THE ISABELLA STEWART GARDNER (BOSTON)

In 1990, thieves made off with 13 works of art worth $500 million-the greatest single heist of any kind in history. But copious art remains! Built as a Venetian-palace-inspired home, the Gardner museum is a great joint for a date once a month when it offers music, a cash bar, a courtyard, and, of course, works by Michelangelo, Degas, Matisse, and others.

DALLAS MUSEUM OF ART

The DMA gets it right both in terms of art (a whopping 24,000 objects, including works by Van Gogh, Renoir, Edward Hopper) and after hours: open till midnight the third Friday of every month. They even have a YouTube video detailing the nighttime fun to be had.

THE BROAD (LOS ANGELES)

Opened in 2015 in downtown L.A. beside the Frank Gehry­designed Walt Disney Concert Hall, the Broad (pronounced Brode, after the billionaire who founded it) Museum presents as a trippy white structure with a honeycomb look. Inside sits a marvelous collection of contemporary art. Catch a Basquiat, or a Baldessari, until 8 P.M. Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.

HONOLULU MUSEUM OF ART

As if Hawaii isn’t awesome enough, on the last Friday of the month — ten months a year — this dazzling museum, with more than 50,000 works of art, holds a party called ARTafterDARK. Sip cocktails on the beautiful grounds as the sun sets over the Pacific.

MILWAUKEE ART MUSEUM

You might think beer before art when you think of Milwaukee, but its lakefront museum is outstanding, and its Santiago Calatrava-designed addition is breathtaking (think huge white wings that move). Plus MAM After Dark, a ‘til-midnight affair, might be America’s best museum-at-night scene. Forget Tinder and meet your next match! MAM cheekily invites.

Conceptual Interpretation of The Broad Museum

To be clear, we put a firm artistic stamp in this conceptualization pictured. Whilel we cannot whole-heartedly accept the “honeycomb” description of the earlier editors, we did understand that given our proximity we really should include a photograph of The Broad museum in downtown Los Angeles. Any untoward puns resulting from this decision and our history would be purely unintentional, of course. Would we do that on purpose? Besides, we’re not nearly old enough to understand the joke.