Giannis Antetokounmpo Hits His Head on Heaven

These are the questions people in and out of basketball are asking about 6-foot-11 superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo, newly 23 and coming off a season where he became the first Milwaukee Buck to start an All-Star game since 1986 and did something only four elite players — Dave Cowens, Scottie Pippen, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James — had ever done before.

The Athens-born son of undocumented immigrants from Lagos, Nigeria, led his team in all five major statistical categories: points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks.

And the terrifying thing for the rest of the league? He’s only getting better.

Just as Antetokounmpo had to learn to drive, trade in some Euro disco for hip-hop, and get acquainted with peanut butter after relocating to Milwaukee in 2013, the Greek Freak, as he’s been dubbed, is still a work-in-progress, according to coaches and the player himself. As future Hall of Fame point guard Jason Kidd, Bucks head coach, told the New York Times in November, “He’s like a plane that just started taking off. He’s at 10,000 feet.”

Or listen to the last Buck to make the All-Star team, sharpshooter Michael Redd, who looks at the 230-pound scorer-distributor-defender, with his 87-inch wingspan and 12-inch hands (bigger mitts than Kawhi Leonard and Wilt Chamberlain), and says simply: “Once he learns how to play play — unstoppable. It’s almost like he’s from another planet.”

Despite still honing his long-range game, and absorbing lessons from Kidd and assistant coaches when it comes to offensive decision-making and defensive subtleties, Antetokounmpo got off to a blazing start this year, leading the league in scoring (31 points per game), while averaging ten boards and five assists through eight games. This kind of liftoff, hitting those numbers, had never been done before in a season’s first two weeks.

Also scary? Antetokounmpo is legendarily hard-working. He’s an athletic prodigy with a gym rat’s temperament. If a teammate stays after practice to shoot, Antetokounmpo will stay, too, and not leave until he’s the last one there. If he played poorly after a home game in his early years, he’d skip the showers and drive straight to the Bucks practice facility on brutal winter nights, staying past midnight, working on the shooting stroke, footwork.

Lots of NBA players grew up in tough circumstances. But the hunger Antetokounmpo experienced growing up in a series of cramped Athens flats, four brothers to a bed, peddling trinkets to tourists from a sidewalk post, has helped fuel a drive to succeed, whatever the cost, that seems notable in its intensity.

And as fierce as he is about being the best, this son of top athletes (father in soccer, mother a high-jumper) is beloved throughout the Bucks organization, from lobby attendants to team execs, for his warm, sociable personality. The Giannis Scowl — the trademark game face he wears, flexing his arms, after dunking on somebody or swatting their shot into the rafters — was created only after a lot of practice in front of a mirror.

It’s been a remarkable journey from working-class Athens, the only black family in the neighborhood for blocks, parents living in fear of deportation, to where he is now. What about in ten years? The best European player since Dirk Nowitzki? Or one of the best players to ever hit the hardwood, period? How high will the Greek Freak fly?

Legend of the Heels

A few years back, during the height of the barefoot running trend, you could see joggers with no shoes on their feet coming down the sidewalks of New York dodging dog shit, broken glass, gobs of spit, and other nasty street substances.

The jury’s still out, but some studies have shown shoeless running can reduce injuries. And of course, there have been great barefoot long-distance runners, including Olympic gold medalist Abebe Bikila and South African Zola Budd.

We prefer to keep our kicks on when pounding the pavement, but can’t help but salute anyone committed enough to get their exercise while stepping on all the scary crap — literal and otherwise — you find on the pavements of our fair cities.

But you shoeless runners? Marathoner Irene Sewell of Chattanooga, Tennessee, drinks your milkshake! She looks at your bare dogs slapping the sidewalk and thinks, That all you got? Talk to me when you’re running 26.2 miles in three-inch heels.

Sewell’s not the first woman to complete the distance wearing spike heels, but she’s now the fastest, by two minutes, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Along with her stilettos and badass attitude, she added only Band-Aids for blisters, thin insoles, and wraps for her calves, while covering the course in 7.5 hours.

Following advice from a podiatrist, she didn’t do long training runs in the heels but rather donned them occasionally. She credits years of ballroom-dancing for giving her a leg up (sorry) when it comes to click-click-clicking for multiple hours without wiping out. Or dying of pain.

We hope a world-class foot masseuse waited at the finish line. And hey, if you ever see a woman in athletic wear jogging down your block in Louboutins, don’t call the men in white coats until you have more information. She might just be hoping to dethrone Irene.

Hot Mosaic

He had a brand and that brand was excess, power, cruelty, megalomania, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. When Morrissey, frontman for the Smiths, sang “Caligula would have blushed” in his song “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” he knew everybody would get the line. To make that perv in a toga blush, something’s gotta be nasty!

A life that crazy, glitzy, and nookie-packed cried out for cinematic treatment, and Penthouse agreed. In the late seventies, our founder Bob Guccione produced Caligula with A-list talent (Malcolm McDowell, Sir John Gielgud, Helen Mirren, and Lawrence of Arabia himself, Peter O’Toole), top production values, historical sweep, and tons of nudity.

“An irresistible mix of art and genitals,” Mirren called it.

With Emperor Horny in our history, we were all over a story this fall concerning an NYC coffee table that had a Caligula connection. Turns out a Park Avenue couple had long been setting glasses down on a table whose mosaic top was once part of a floor inside a huge floating pleasure palace Caligula built to bring the party to Lake Nemi outside Rome.

Almost ninety years ago, Mussolini dredged the lake and found two of the three love boats Caligula commissioned. The dictator had a museum constructed to house what was salvaged. The four-by-four mosaic section was later stolen, authorities believe, changed hands a few times, and finally was sold to the couple in the sixties.

The seller was an “Italian aristocrat,” the husband and wife told investigators.

How was it traced to them? Pure chance. A guy was giving a New York talk on Roman mosaics. He showed a 50-year-old photo of the relic. Someone in the audience was more or less like, Whoa, that looks a lot like the coffee table I set my wine glass down on during a party in that Park Avenue apartment. Phone calls were made. Badda bing.

In October, authorities returned the mosaic to the Italian government. Our view? It should have gone to Arizona’s Lake Havasu. It’s already got the actual London Bridge. And at spring break that place gets almost as wild as Lake Nemi during Caligula’s time.

Dialing Down

Rebound With Care
Hi Leah. Several weeks ago I ended a ten-year relationship with someone I should’ve never been involved with. I recently met a woman and would love to give a great first impression. I’m attracted to her both physically and mentally. She has a seven-year-old child and isn’t married. I really don’t want to blow it, because I can see definite relationship material here. Any advice? Thanks! Jim

“Several weeks” doesn’t seem like a good amount of time to give yourself after a ten-year relationship before jumping into a new one! This sounds like it’s a rebound. And even if it’s not, you must proceed with caution. This woman has a child — and take it from someone with a ten-year-old daughter, I don’t bring ANYONE around my kid. You need to take it very slow. And don’t be a dick. That’s the main thing. I know it’s hard for you guys to not be dicks, but try your best! You are most likely not healed at all from this ten-year relationship that sounds like it was a nightmare. I totally get it, though. Just like they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. And it works… temporarily. But don’t forget who is on the receiving end of it. Don’t be selfish, Jim!!

Date Rust
Hey, I guess I’m sort of looking to get back into the dating game but really don’t know how. When I was in college it was so easy, I didn’t have to try, but now it just seems kinda hard. Maybe because I’m grown up now and know what I want and am being picky. Just not sure.

Leah: Okay, you sound very indecisive. Are you sure you know what you want? If you did then it probably wouldn’t be so hard to get back in the dating game. I don’t even know how to answer this question. Maybe go on Tinder or Match? Bumble? And go out on some dates. Brush your teeth, shower, wear something non-douchey, and be yourself. That’s how you date. A lot of girls are DTF on first dates and only want sex, you know… cuz it’s 2018. So be sure to bring condoms. Hope that helps!

Dialing Down
Dear Bipolar Twin, please share some techniques you use when you are hypomanic to calm down. I do yoga, exercise regularly, and I eat well. I’m so tired of taking benzos that aren’t even doing anything. Also, can you share what calms you down when you are on the depressed and irritable side of bipolar type 2? Like, when you are so depressed you want to kill anyone who talks to you. Have you tried Chinese medicine? I need alternatives because nothing works for me and I’m trying not to lose my shit. P.S. Anything helps your sex drive? I haven’t fucked in a month and have no desire. I don’t drink and I don’t use recreational drugs. Maybe I need to masturbate more? Help! Love u gurl, Christine

Leah: Hi honey! Oh, man… yeah, being crazy is definitely a job. So I usually just go with my hypomania and try to use it productively. Like, write, organize my closet, paint my walls, have sex! But when I need to break from it I pop a Klonopin and take a nap. And usually when I wake up I’m better and calmer. I do yoga and eat well and all that, too, but sometimes you just need to knock yourself out.

Yes, the irritation/agitation part of BP2 is the worst. I am such a raging cunt when I’m feeling like this. Sometimes I color in a coloring book, go for a run, just take a break and change the scenery from whatever it is I’m doing. If you change your thoughts you can change the way you feel. So find something to focus on. That’s why I like coloring.

As for my sex drive… I never have an issue so I don’t know what to tell you! Viagra for women? Porn? Buy a new vibrator? Love you!

Uneasy Listening
Hey Leah. The girl I’ve been seeing for the last month listens to the worst fucking music. She’s great in bed, has a solid job, and is really sweet. She can cook, too! But shit, her musical taste is the worst. I’m seriously thinking of breaking up with her because her music is so shitty. Have you ever either dumped a dude or turned a guy down because he listens to lousy music?

Leah: Hey Music Snob (JK). Maybe you should try to take her to some shows? Introduce her to music that you like? But here’s a thought: What if it’s YOU that has the terrible taste in music? If a guy dumped me because of my LOVE for Britney, then he’s not the one for me anyway. I want my man to buy me front-row tickets to Britney and also come with me and enthusiastically watch how excited I am! I think you’re taking this way too seriously. You will die alone if you put so many rules on how perfect someone has to be for you to date.

You Gotta Be Choking
Okay Leah, what’s up with choking? I’ve now dated two guys who both want me to choke them during sex. I’m afraid of either leaving bruises around their necks, or some sort of accidental death situation. I can’t help but think they’re damaged and need a woman to hurt or scare them to get off? I don’t get it. I’m getting a little freaked out here.

Leah: Ugh, I would hate that. But then again I don’t like to dominate during sex. At all. I mean, I’m sure they’re both damaged because we are all damaged. You aren’t uptight. I’m the same way. I’m kinda normal in bed. I just wanna be fucked right. Like, half passion, half porn. I don’t want some dude asking me to choke them out! Cut these guys off and find you a man who wants to grip your neck lightly, not get choked out!!

Contact Leah with Thoughts or Questions