“Why don’t they do what they say/ Say what you mean”—The Fixx, from their song One Thing Leads to Another (the only tune of theirs I’ve ever heard, but it’s a damn goodie!)
Before we get into this month’s topic, I have a bit of bad news, good and decent Penthouse subscribers: I am bidding thee farewell….
Well, I’ll still be writing stuff for this glorious porno mag, I’m just done with this column. After all, how much can one guy rant about hating practices, persuasions, and people? By my calculations: about thirteen months.
Over the last year or so, I’ve used these pages to air my gripes with marriage, voting, sensitivity, merit, and a bunch of other subjects that I hope my opinions on had readers thinking, Interesting point, and not, What an asshole. To be fair, it was probably a little of both.
But since my fear of being repetitive far outweighs my respect for commitment, I’m bringing this thing to an end. Anyway, enough with the salutations. I was never very adept at expressing sentiment. Let’s get back to my specialty: bitching and moaning.
As stated, this column has always focused on the broader cultural ideas and concepts. But since this is the final entry to “You Let Me Down,” I wanted to try something different. For this piece, I’m shifting my focus from the surface to the subtext.
Subtext. I don’t think the term has ever been more relevant than here and now. When it comes to our favorite modern-day way to talk to one another—text messages, email, and social media; you know, the types of discussion where you don’t have to hear another person’s pesky voice—the subtext is swinging harder than ever. But I don’t think many of us are recognizing it.
The proper definition of the word is “an underlying and often distinct theme in a piece of writing or conversation.” Current methods of conversation are, almost exclusively, executed through writing, and there is a theme: We’re completely full of shit! We don’t mean what we say and we don’t say what we mean.
So, I took it upon myself to take some of this digital-age jargon and translate it into what I think the users of it are actually saying. Below you’ll find a list of phrases, words, and hashtags that we casually throw around on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Underneath each is their subtext and, of course, the two are quite different. But as they say, “The devil is in the details.” And if you ask me, what you’re about to read is a list of truly iniquitous language.
INTERNET LANGUAGE TRANSLATOR:
“You’re my new fave.”
Translation: You haven’t offended me yet, but it’s only a matter of time.
“I love you soooooooo much.”
Translation: I like you but also think you’re too dumb to recognize empty flattery.
“Definitely.”
Translation: This will probably only happen over my dead body.
“#Woke”
Translation: My opinion is fact and your facts are opinions.
“I’m gonna do me.”
Translation: Fuck you and everything you stand for, now get the fuck outta my way.
“#Winning”
Translation: If I don’t distract myself with constantly keeping score I might cry.
“Living my best life.”
Translation: Something amazing happened to me today and I’d like to rub your lousy nose in it.
“#Amazing.”
Translation: This was fine.
“You’re being aggressive.”
Translation: I don’t agree with what you’re saying but I can’t think of a counterargument.
“#Blessed”
Translation: I’m trying to come off as spiritual because saying “I’m so lucky” sounds gross.
“Respect my boundaries.”
Translation: Please speak only in a fashion that I am accustomed to and fully approve of.
“I can’t even…”
Translation: Why isn’t the entire universe catering strictly to my sole wants and needs?
“#NoFilter”
Translation: Be jealous of how pretty I am or at least my sickening level of self-esteem.
“LOL”
Translation: Your attempt at humor has been recognized, even though it didn’t even cause me to smirk.
“Can’t wait!”
Translation: Honestly, I have nothing better going on.
“#Cancelled”
Translation: I like to pretend people are TV shows and I’m a TV executive and I get to put a stop to them if I feel like it.
And finally…
“I’m a conservative.”
Translation: I need you to listen to me while also not paying attention to what I’m actually saying yet still acting as if you did and totally agree with it.
“I’m a liberal.”
Translation: I should warn you, despite my claims of being centered and level-headed, I’m extremely prone to explosive temper tantrums.
The translations of those last two expressions carry the most weight for me. I appreciate the ones that proceeded them, but, outside of scorning emotions, they’re basically harmless. The way this concept applies to conservatives and liberals is the red flag.
As we continue to decay into a nation of church parents and teenagers—one group hollering, “Because I said so!” and the other reacting purely with emotion—it’s apparent our words carry less and less meaning with every passing day.
We continue to warp and misuse our words, mostly out of spite, while remaining split in two, right down the middle, everybody screaming, nobody considering the gray area. The thick-headed elders don’t get “these kids today” and these kids are too spoiled and bratty to stop and listen. Your only hope to be a rational spectator. That way you’ll more likely be prepared to run for the hills and take cover when the shit hits the fan.
It’s one thing to lose faith in our institutions, corporations, and beliefs, but once hope is lost for language, the end’s around the corner. So don’t get involved. You’re better off becoming a weird, grizzled hill person. It probably won’t be so bad out there in the bush.
As for me? I’m an untrusting man in what I consider to be an untrustworthy world. As this chaos ensues, I won’t be too disappointed, just thankful that a long practice of anti-optimism has me not witnessing the fall of what I once thought to be great, but the exposure of the mess I always knew it to be. It’s subtext if you will.
I’ve always thought everything sucked. But who cares? Because I decided long before thirteen months ago that You Let Me Down.
