If a controversial holiday exists — at least in the non-religious spectrum — this would likely win the top prize. On the other hand, holidays can be great fun if one approaches them correctly.

Our Penthouse Valentine 2022

Everybody loves being in love. Even sociopaths love being in love with themselves, after all. (For the record, we have neither the expertise nor the inclination to further examine different psychiatric conditions which may run in opposition to our premise that everybody loves love, so in the time-honored tradition of scientists and politicians everywhere, we will simply ignore that possibility and merrily move along as if all objective truths lie within us. It is true because we declare it. Thus we shall proceed.)

Now despite everyone loving love, almost nobody loves searching for love.

We have lots of holidays throughout the year, of course, that — at least in theory — engender pure feelings of optimism, and belonging, and family, and all sorts of other warm fuzziness. Oddly enough, one’s gender does not even matter in this case. We have just this one holiday, however, to which seemingly only a very few people actually look forward. The rest of us blame Hallmark, or See’s Candy, or any number of other (ironically) heartless corporations for the continued existence of the holiday — and we use the term loosely, much as will many of the couples celebrating today, perhaps.

In opposition to this underlying premise that we must be reminded annually to buy, buy, buy, lest we forget to treat those we hold most dear with special kindness, our Valentine 2022 relies on a rather more simple concept. Which we offer for FREE no less.

Roughly in order of appearance here we have Stormi Maya, Meaghan Stanfill, Bunny Colby, Emma Hix, Riley Anne, Stormi Maya (again), Sabina Rouge, Anny Aurora, Angela White, Meaghan Stanfill (again), and Stormi Maya (again, again) ... skipping over one daintily-adorned faceless model with excellent taste in jewelry — which she did not get for Valentine’s Day.

See? Pretty things to enjoy, alone, with others, or even multiple times in multiple combinations of those two options. … We did need to mention that the process of putting together this little article ranged over a couple of weeks, and the responses we got from people in the office regarding Valentine’s Day in general, and our upcoming Valentine 2022 in particular, did not range nearly as much as at least this author might have theorized beforehand. Nope. Basically people that work with (and edit) beautiful naked women all day long every day turn into surly, cynical, not-so-love-loving sorts it appears.

Penthouse Valentine 2022
In a rare opportunity for foreshadowing, we’re showing off one more picture of Stormi Maya. Her significance will be apparent soon, and we always love foreshadowing when possible. Let’s be honest: Penthouse did not exactly get famous because of its shadows.

Our Penthouse Valentine 2022 necessarily includes, then…

10 Reasons to Really, Truly, Hate Valentine’s Day

  1. Lonely people do not actually need a big ol’ annual reminder that they are lonely.
  2. People in that “honeymoon phase” of a relationship are screwed – not literally in this case, necessarily – because the situation will move rapidly and unnaturally either forward or backwards based entirely on what happens on this single day.
  3. There are 1,000 ways to get a Valentine’s date wrong, and only one way to get it right. You will not win this gamble.
  4. When you get Valentine’s Day wrong, the event will be etched into permanent memory, never to be forgotten. You will be reminded of this embarrassment (or horror) at spectacularly inappropriate times years into the future.
  5. If by will of the Fates you beat the massive odds and manage to get Valentine’s Day “right” somehow, all that work will be completely forgotten before the next birthday needs celebrating.
  6. There seems to be a complete disdain for practical gifts like silicon spatulas or fishing lures.
  7. The traditional celebration gives us all a bad impression, because clearly we should be eating chocolate every day.
  8. History buffs among us will know what happened with the War of the Roses (the movie and the British civil wars).
  9. We always choose first that one really horrible piece of candy in the “assortment” which you just know they put in there to laugh at you.
  10. Have you never seen a medical show on TV? Hearts don’t even look like that.

One wise leader, more cynical than surly for sure, expressed her sentiment this way: “Very few people get great love and great sex at the same time, and even they won’t enjoy that combination forever. Some people have sex without love. Some people have love without sex. And then there are most people who have neither.” For them — at least for Valentine 2022 — we have our video, along with a hearty recommendation of Reacher on Amazon Prime.

Full disclosure our boss gave us this quote at the end of a particularly grueling week, and she actually ended it less … graciously, let’s say. Honestly the Reacher plug was a lot happier, because who doesn’t like it when the bad people get the crap kicked out of them? Heck, buy chocolates for yourself and eat the whole darned assortment at one sitting. That’s celebrating.

Just in case you really, really cannot live without knowing whom to blame for Valentine’s Day as a “thing” immediately, History.com will clearly explain how you can blame either early Christians — or maybe Pagans — for everything. Be warned, though, that overall you will enjoy the Penthouse Valentine 2022 a whole lot more, and nobody had to die in our story.

Have Something to Add?