I Do It
Mental Hell
Hi Leah, I recently started listening to Improper Etiquette and it has changed my life! I know it sounds corny, but it has opened parts of me that I thought I needed to hide to not be “too much” for others — listening to you speak so openly about your sexuality, being a single mom but not letting that define you, and most of all talking openly about your sobriety and mental health.
I’m 27 years old and a single mom to a beautiful 8-year-old boy; unfortunately, the baby daddy is an asshole. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety, and I was officially diagnosed at 16. But after having my son, and with the baby daddy coming in and out of our lives, my depression got worse and I turned to drinking. I hid it for a really long time, but the past couple of years it’s become obvious to others that I like to drink. I finally got on medication about three years ago for my depression/anxiety, but it was highly frowned upon by baby daddy and my family, so it took a long time for me to reach out for help.
Having mental illness has made me feel like I’m crazy at times, and I feel like it’s something I need to hide. It’s gotten pretty bad, but since listening to you I’ve decided to stop drinking. The problem is, I don’t feel like I can share it with anyone because in the past it’s been used against me in court.
How did you finally decide that you needed to stop drinking, and from day one, what did that look like? Secondly, how have you maintained your sobriety, especially when you’re required to go to social events where alcohol is served? Again, I love you for being a badass bitch! I feel like you are the best example of what my best me can look like. — Annaliza
Leah: My journey into sobriety started at age 15, when I went to my first of many rehabs. But I didn’t finally put down a drink until many years later, at the age of 27. I was empty inside. It’s a hard feeling to describe to someone who doesn’t have an addiction problem. So if you do, then I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s like waking up and you are in hell every day. The world is happening and moving around you and you are in quicksand. I tried everything except sobriety. I saw psychics and healers, I got colonics and went on cleanses. I hired a personal trainer, fasted, went to a therapist, tried switching to wine only, and drinking a glass of water between each drink. Everything except abstinence from booze.
Finally, one day after work heading home on the train, I had a complete spiritual experience (I’m not sure what else to call it). Maybe it was my brain going into survival mode, but I like to think it was more of a divine intervention. I had an out-of-body experience and I saw my child and her dad, but I wasn’t there. I saw my mother and father, brother and sister. But I was gone. And I knew at that moment that if I drank again I might not live to my next birthday. It was the Universe giving me a major warning sign.
I made a phone call to a friend who was sober and I was taken by another friend to a 12-step program. I’ve stayed booze-free since then (not anywhere near perfectly or always sanely, but I have not picked up a drink).
I have maintained this in one very simple way: No matter how shitty things get or how bad I want to escape, I do not drink. Sometimes I go to AA, yoga, acupuncture, or ice skating. Sometimes I fuck a dude who I know is a psycho, smoke a pack of cigarettes, stay up all night watching true murder shows. Whatever I need to do, I do it. But I don’t drink. My kid needs me sober. If I stay sober then I stay hopeful.
Recently I started smoking weed and it led me into other things, and into a bad, bad depression. Now I am counting days again in a 12-step program. And honestly it feels fucking awesome. Feels even better this second time around.
Your kid needs you as straight as possible. I’m sure once you put down the booze you will feel less depressed. Alcohol is a depressant and physiologically messes with our brain chemistry. I promise your life won’t get worse by quitting booze. It will only get better. And my advice is to look up a local 12-step program near you. It has saved me.
I truly wish you all the best. I hope you make the choice to reclaim your life and your happiness.
Flesh for Fantasy
Leah, I’m a 36-year-old divorced dad of two. I am in a relationship. I love her, and I can definitely see a future with her. Lately, I’ve been having fantasies about a threesome. I never really had this when I was married.
Our sex life is good. I can basically do anything I want with her. But I keep coming back to wanting a threesome. I know she would do it, but I fear that, mentally, it would not be something that excites her. There’s even the potential that it would make her feel bad. Do I ask her and try to talk her into it? Or do I just table it, knowing that she’ll be uncomfortable?
If I didn’t have feelings for her I would just say fuck it and go for it. But I do and don’t want to mess up a potential future. What do you think? — Scott
Leah: Okay, let me put this real plain and simple to you: If you love her, and if you know a threesome would be something that not only wouldn’t excite her but might make her feel bad, do you really love her? Why don’t you keep your fantasies just what they are — fantasies. I mean, I have lots of fantasies that would make people feel bad. Like, a million of them. But I don’t act on them. Like today, when this bitch cut me in line at Starbucks, I had a fantasy of throwing a scalding hot latte on her. But I didn’t do it. Hope that helps!
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