One comedian’s arguments against what we were taught to believe.
A Piece on World Peace
“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”
In 1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono formed the Plastic Ono Band, and one of their first orders of business was to release a nonsensical, schmaltz-spewing “protest” song. The word “protest” is in quotes because “Give Peace A Chance” was released during the period where John and Yoko were conducting “bed-ins.” That’s when two people book a room at a five-star hotel, stay in bed for two weeks straight, and then claim that it’s a means to end war. And you thought people that only demonstrated on Twitter were lazy.
The song consists of three chords, some half-assed lyrics, and the repeating of the title ad nauseam. The whole thing is a real lazy affair. Then again, it was written by a guy who didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But despite all of its shortcomings, what bothers me most about the tune is its sentiment: Give peace a chance. Well … I believe we have. Several chances, in fact, before and after that ass song poisoned the airwaves. And it’s quite apparent that peace has never been able to deliver. It’s not peace’s fault. Global discord is due to one simple truth: If somebody wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent.
Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles. Look at serial killers. What do they all have in common? Success! They’re all really good at what they do. Because if someone wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent. I’m glad we manage to arrest at least some of the maniacs that commit heinous acts. It’s nice to think that once in a while a brutal, tyrannical asshole is brought to justice. However, thinking some be-all, end-all series of laws and agreements stand a chance against injustice is insane.
Worldwide peace has to start on the small scale. And if you haven’t recently checked, the small scale is a shit show. Let’s start with the basic building blocks of harmony: people. You need harmonious people to have a harmonious society. Now, with that in mind, go watch some “Black Friday” shopping videos on YouTube. You think a guy willing to head-butt a soccer mom for a PlayStation has any ability to grasp the complex concept of civility? Do people really think it’s just dismissible evidence that the last two decades have included extreme public fandom over WorldStarHipHop videos, mixed martial arts events, Affliction T-shirts, and Bumfights? Yet folks still have the nerve to act surprised when a member of Congress body-slams a reporter.
Make no mistake, I’m not holier than thou. I’ve watched “dude gets knocked-the-fuck-out” videos and laughed my balls off. When I was in Edinburgh, Scotland, I stayed up until 7 A.M. drinking, doing poppers, and screaming myself hoarse to UFC pay-per-view. I love gangster movies. I love gangster rap even more. All that said, I don’t own a gun, I don’t enjoy conflict, I’m terrified of physical altercation, and I’d really love to live in a utopia where no man or woman so much as stubs a toe. But basic logic allows me to realize that just isn’t possible.
Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles.
By the way, peaceful utopias can be extremely problematic. If you don’t believe me, just watch the movie Demolition Man. In that film, everybody’s enjoying a conflict-free reality until a super-criminal played by Wesley Snipes gets thawed out of his cryogenic freeze. He starts going bat-shit — robbing, harming, killing — and everybody, including the cops, are so out of touch with violence that they have zero ability to stop him. Makes you wonder why they froze the psycho in the first place. Why didn’t they just kill him? Because they were trying not to be violent. Go figure.
Regardless, as human beings we need to be aware of what human beings are capable of. The fact that some of us only mildly indulge our baser instincts via the internet doesn’t mean the next guy will do the same. We can dream about the world we ought to be living in, but too many dreamers do it at the expense of understanding the world we’re actually living in.
The fine citizens of Demolition Man-land didn’t answer one question truthfully: How do we stop violence? With violence! You have to attack the attacker! Lying in bed, eating room service, only helps the ax-wielding maniac in his quest to kick the door in to kill you. The only defense is to harm and/or kill him back. Now he’s got you doing the exact thing you were trying to prevent. I know. This is a snake eating its tail. Point is, we need a little bit of violence. Problem is, you can’t just have a little bit. Violence is like freedom — you have to take the good with the bad. Unless we all agree to be shackled to dentist chairs with our brains plugged into fake-reality-spawning supercomputers, we have to accept that freedom allows for violence and violence is one of the reminders that we’re free.
Yeah … I’m getting a peace headache, too, so I’ll wrap this up. Violence, to a massive extent, has been happening since the beginning of time. From the cavemen clubbing one another on. But we don’t have to go back that far into history to realize the astounding amount of conflict that’s constantly occurred. You know how many wars the United States has been involved in since the year 1700? Eighty. That’s a lot. That’s a war for every year my Nana had under her belt when we had to take her car keys away. And that’s just us. God knows the level of large-scale combat that’s happened across the other 195 countries in the last 300 years. I’m sure it’s impressively depressing. Also, don’t forget to take into account all that extra, plain-old, everyday, run-of-the-mill violence: assault, rape, murder, genocide, and people biting pieces off of other people. Yet despite all this, members of every generation that comes along think they’re going to be the ones to finally stop human brutality. The arrogance of these fucking philistines.
Take away the bombs. Take away the guns. Take away the knives. None of that matters. Sick freaks will figure out a way to use anything as an instrument of death. To keep peace, remember this: If we keep making trucks and we keep making people, some of the people are going to drive the trucks into the other people. It sucks, I know, but it sucking doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Violence is like the sun. It’s harmful and it’s not going anywhere. Stop trying to block it. If you don’t wanna die, stay inside. Maybe somebody should write a song about that.
Joe DeRosa is an L.A.-based comedian, writer, director, and actor (Better Call Saul, Louie). You can find his stand-up online, along with his signature podcast, as well as “We’ll See You in Hell” and “Emotional Hangs.” Follow him on Twitter. … We’re not convinced his go out and kick some ass philosophy has much practical value, we do rather enjoy his routines. That said, maybe becoming independently wealthy would help test a different more pacifist Peace Theory. Money buys a lot of insulation, right? So we’re going to talk to the boss about that. You should too. It’ll be fine. You’ll probably be super rich next week.
