What do you say to a guy that has no filters and a willingness to joke about absolutely anything? You say nothing. You listen and try not to laugh inappropriately.

Do Attell — Trading Punchlines with Comedy’s Best

They did not often run straight Q&A articles in the “Legacy” magazines, and we generally choose longer, potentially more germane in a macro sense, memories to re-run in this format. That said, Mr. Attell had us after the first answer, so we decided to run with it. Not everything in life need be of serious consequence. We’d all be really cranky all the time were that true.

With this introduction, then…

What is the most erotic spot on the human male body?

The wallet.

Does every woman look good to a man at 2 A.M.?

Who cares about them? I hope I look good. That’s when I become attractive. That’s when I start looking like Matt Damon.

Have you ever had erotic feelings for animals?

We’ve all come close to animal sex, whether you pet a dog too hard and he turns around like “Where is this going?” or you masturbate with a parrot on your shoulder. That is actually one of my dreams in life: to masturbate with a parrot on my shoulder. If I were going to have sex with any animal, though, it would be, a horse, because you’d always have a ride home.

If you could change one part of your body, what would you choose?

It’s not really changing my body, it’s changing someone’s mind to find my body attractive. I’m accepting of the fact that I’m fat. I’ve got a double chin that keeps getting bigger. My fat has started to do things on its own, like when my second chin starts dialing the phone. I also think my breasts are too pointy.

Be honest: Do you like one-night stands?

I’m all for the one-night stand and the quickie the next morning before you have to leave. But you’re never as busy as the day after you’ve had a one-night stand, because that’s when you want the other person to leave. You’re like, “I’ve got to go. I have to go to college. No, I mean, I have to build a college.”

Do you think men should cry more often?

I cry at least once a day, but that’s because I sit on my balls.

If you were a porno actor, what would your name be?

Cums Too Quick or Give Me Another Chance. I don’t know how those guys do it. The girls are the ones that get all the money, but it’s the guys that have the tough job of having to get it up all the time. The women can just sit back, moan, and fake it.

What is the dumbest question you’ve ever been asked?

After I performed, someone asked me, “Do you guys travel around together?” It’s not like it’s the circus! It’s not like we travel on some bus with HA! written on it.

Would you rather have a male or female doctor?

Imagine if you have a hot doctor who’s a woman and she sees that you’re harmless. You can forget about playing doctor with her. With a male doctor, you can at least commiserate together.

What’s not a capital offense but should be?

Telemarketing. They think you’re sitting home all day waiting for their call. I actually think they’re prisoners on work detail.

Have you ever had a near-death experience?

A few times on stage. I actually had this one girl in Miami come up to me before the show started and say, “You better be funny.” Who has that attitude? Does she say to her boyfriend before sex, “You better stay hard”? Who dates this chick?

Is there anything worse than not being able to get it up?

Coming too quick — that’s the worst thing. You definitely have to “prime the pump” before a date with a really hot girl (so I’ve heard). I don’t usually get the hot girls. I’m the type that ends up with the C-level strippers and the girl that could have been an actress but decided to eat instead. So I usually don’t have to worry about jerking off before a date.

How does Dave Attell feel about movie remakes?

I don’t understand why they keep remaking good movies like Planet of the Apes. I thought the first one said it all. I mean, if they are going to remake movies to make them better, why not pick something like Porky’s or one of those Police Academy shows? Pick something that sucked and can be improved upon.

Have you ever seen Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in the same place at the same time?

No, I haven’t. I’m more into Christina Aguilera. Britney Spears reminds me of someone who in ten years is going to look like a real-estate agent or a party planner.

What’s the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?

I was walking home drunk and stopped at a pay phone to call a buddy when all of a sudden some guy starts giving me a massage. I think he may have been hitting on me. I’d tell you more but I’d need a puppet.

Would you rather have an eight-inch dick or an eight-inch tongue?

The eight-inch dick would be great. You know, for when the girl is on top of you cowboy-style, and it keeps popping out, and you feel really small. The girl tries to make you feel better by saying it’s her fault for moving too much. I’d like the girl to go up and down like she’s riding a horse. That’s what an eight-inch dick would do. For me in most cases it’s like they’re riding a pony.

Britney Spears (probably loves Dave Attell)
Britney Spears at GLAAD Media Awards Los Angeles on April 12, 2018

We arrive now some twenty years after this article originally ran, and due respect to Mr. Attell, we cannot say that Britney Spears looks much like a real estate agent or a party planner now. Of course that does not mean any of us would fail to attend a party she throws or try to get her to show us around a house she has on the market. … For further research you may wish to pursue, we did find a DaveAttell.com website, but it happens to be unsecured with an SSL so we cannot link to it. We can point you to Dave on Instagram or Twitter, however. He probably thinks security certificates are for sissies.

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