Want to add a cigar to your crazy nights but need a little know-how? We’ve got you covered. From the foot to filler, and how to store your goods carefully, it’s all here in our guide to cigars. Continue reading “A Cigar Being Just a Cigar”
Building upon the successes and widespread acceptance of Bitcoin and Ethereum, NFTs, or non-fungible tokens, are one-of-a-kind crypto assets that assign ownership to unique works of art. First designed as “Colored Coins,” these assets were worth small fractions of Bitcoin and painted with distinct information, setting them apart from regular transactions. Continue reading “NFTs are AOK PDQ”
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Now onto the evening’s feature entertainment.
Truth be told, should you finally decide to write your autobiography at seventy years old, and you happen to have been hit in the head with a tear gas canister at a Jimi Hendrix concert when you were a teenager, odds seem pretty good that you have an interesting tale to tell. Around here, naturally, we love interesting tails — er, tales. You see, Elvira would love that joke, which obviously solidifies her in our list of wisest and most interesting celebrities.
In fact, we became so excited that we wanted to share why we have such a huge crush on the television personality and spooky superstar.
Prior to her career as Elvira, the then 17-year-old Cassandra Peterson, with permission from her parents, became the youngest ever Vegas Showgirl, dancing in “Viva Les Girls” at The Dunes Hotel. One fateful night, she ended up at an after-party with Elvis Presley, who gave her what she has since referred to as the advice that changed her life. He told her to leave Vegas, advised her to get a singing coach, and suggested she get serious about a career in show business. Elvis saw real talent and drive in Elvira, and Vegas showgirls do not have a long shelf-life, after all.
Fun Fact: In 1971 on the Las Vegas strip, you could employ an underage girl to dance topless in your show, but if one of her friends from the cast dared to be seen in public having dinner with Wilt Chamberlain, you could fire that friend for this heinous offense. … This was barely 50 years ago, folks. Pay attention to what’s happening out there. We owe that to each other.
The original run of the series spanned from 1981 to 1986 and made Elvira a household name — her pale vampiric visage and enchanting curves filling up her every frame. Schlocky B-grade horror and science fiction movies were the name of the game on late-night TV back then, and Elvira played host to these viewings, occasionally interjecting her own pun-filled quips and commentary. Subsequent versions of Movie Macabre followed over the years, as did two feature length films, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and Elvira’s Haunted Hills.
For the cinema-elite, one can hardly think of Halloween without Elvira, but throughout the years she has become practically synonymous with cheesy horror. As her book wonderfully illustrates, however, we owe the gratitude to the woman behind the character. True to humble form Cassandra even refers to “Elvira” in the third person throughout the memoir.
“… she demands respect without ever having to compromise her (however warped) integrity.”
“She knows she’s not perfect, and she’s okay with that.”
Cassandra Peterson on “Elvira”
In some wise opinions (ours, and therefore wise, for example) a true cinematic education could never be complete without watching Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. If you cannot appreciate campy, then you clearly have not matured completely. (At least that would be one theory.)
Granted we have blurred the lines between Character and Actress there, but that was intentional. As revealed in Yours Cruelly, Elvira, Cassandra Peterson’s nearly two-decade long relationship with Teresa “T” Wierson brought her out of the proverbial closet and shed light on her identity as a queer individual to the surprise and delight of many of her fans. She states in her memoir that she is with, “someone who makes me feel safe, blessed, and truly loved.” We couldn’t be happier for the two of them!
While the book never makes clear her actual sexuality — how she “identifies” in modern terms — Cassandra reveals a long series of heterosexual relationships (apparently), while basically helping us understand that we are all significantly more as humans than our choice or gender of our sexual partners. If you understand that many of these early days were the type where one could lose a job for having a dinner companion boasting the wrong skin shade, you can see that society did not exactly encourage public figures to be open … pretty much at all.
We will say one thing specifically here, though. Everybody has a “lost my virginity” story, but very few could compare with the how – or to whom – that Elvira shares in the biography. We could tell you, of course, but that would rob you of a truly fun part of reading the book, which you should definitely do.
Elvira’s larger-than-life character – from her black bouffant hair down to her skin-tight dress with a dagger in the belt – conjures an iconic image in the minds and hearts of all those who love her. Though she was met with a cease-and-desist letter in the early 80s from Maila Nurmi, who claimed Elvira was copying her character Vampira, courts ruled in favor of Elvira. We think there’s room for all gorgeous goths to play! Actually, even after seven decades on earth, Cassandra Peterson still looks remarkably appealing — and spry. At the age of seventy, she might be more vampiric than we think. (Just kidding!)
Regarding that whole naming-rights thing, one might think that The Oak Ridge Boys took the name of their famous song Elvira from this enchanting character. At it turned out (perhaps) it actually happened the other way around. Elvira got her name from the song. Should everyone be honest, probably a lot of momentous events in history occurred because of a figurative – or literal – drawing of ideas from a hat. (Again: Read the book.)
Next to her razor-sharp wit, Elvira’s two biggest assets are probably what you notice first when you flip on the (literal) boob tube and tune in to her show.
Full disclosure, that last item came from one of the Social Media mavens here at Penthouse, and surprisingly resistant to our “objectifying” complaints, they insisted on its inclusion. Honestly you have to throw the Social Media team a bone every now and again, or they can start feeling all downtrodden and such. (It makes you weep. … Really. Swear.) Besides, throughout her career, Elvira has both accentuated and poked fun at her physical manifestation.
“Opportunity only gives you knockers once.”Elvira
Now being Penthouse and all, we still felt the need to dress up the day with some past “costume” photo shoots featuring — in alphabetical order, because it’s way less frightening that way — Allie Haze, Daisy Marie, Dani Daniels, Julia Ann, Layla Sin, Leigh Raven, Marica Hase, Nikki Fairchild, Ruby Knox, Shawna Lenee, and Victoria Sin.
Finally, we simply had to conclude with a couple more quotes from Yours Cruelly, Elvira: Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark — which would be the full official title, by the way. She has a lot to say in this one, all of it entertaining and fun. When you find yourself sad that you have completed 394 pages because you wanted more, you know you have found a great book.
“That’s the moment I decided not to let little things like facts discourage me.”
“How was I supposed to know that turkeys can eat themselves to death when given unlimited access to food?”
Cassandra Peterson
Now we need to go explaining “books” to the Social Media team. A person can say a lot if they get more than 288 characters to do so. Also, we make a different team entirely sad if we did not mention that you might see all of the people on this page, well except Elvira, in rather more detail on PenthouseGold. Wow. That was a lot of shameless plugging today. Good for us!
“Giddy-Up, Pah-Oom, Papa-Oom, Papa MOW-MOW” … (Sorry. Had to be done.)
Wonderful illustrations continue, by the way, on AndrogynArt of the Instagram variety.
We’ve been highlighting some individuals taking charge of their own lives (and incomes) for a little over a year now with the monthly Camster features, and some folks here decided we should spread the love out a bit and look for some performers covering some different bases in the wide open “camming” industry. We hit upon ManyVids as the beginning of the new journey here, simply at the suggestion of one of our social media team members, although in fairness we did not ask too many questions about where the detailed knowledge of the organization came from. (Some questions you really do not want to know the answers to, y’know? There are times when you simply cannot unsee a mental image if your journalistic inquiry leads you down a certain path, so we have learned to avoid those when possible.) Continue reading “ManyVids Moments Begin”
It probably comes as no surprise that the popularity of camming has skyrocketed in the past two years because of the pandemic. It makes a lot of sense that people around the globe (whether model or customer) would turn to live sex during the isolation. People lost their jobs and had to work from home to make ends meet. Others were horny and couldn’t have random hookups on dating apps so they had to get creative and enjoy live sex through the computer screen. In fact, thousands of the most successful models you’ll come across started their camming careers during the pandemic. But many other popular models got started within the last few months in the (sort of?) eye of the post-pandemic, so never let timing throw you off. Continue reading “Eyes Have It”
Literary documentaries serve a curious function. Most follow writers at the end of their careers as they look back on their lives and work, so they’re pensive, even wistful. This can be interesting in its own way, especially to other writers (raises hand), but there’s an inactive reminiscent quality that fills a good many. Lives spent in the letters can indeed prove worthwhile and fulfilling, but that doesn’t mean they make for riveting television. Continue reading “Tim O’Brien”
While true, gamers presently find themselves unable to purchase newly minted graphics cards, that doesn’t mean they’re missing out on much.
It’s easy to hate on cryptominers for buying up the entire inventory of available graphics cards — GPUs. There’s little doubt that the latest boom in Bitcoin and Ethereum popularity has made it hard for gamers to pick up upgrades, especially with the release of Nvidia and AMD’s new systems. Not only are they hard to get — those available are exorbitantly priced, well out of reach of the casual gaming enthusiast.
That said, there’s a good chance if you’re an avid gamer, you already have a graphics card capable of running most, if not all new titles — most of which are designed to cater to cards several generations old. Not having the latest and greatest won’t stop you from playing Cyberpunk 2077 or Valheim, both of which run perfectly well on older systems, provided you’re willing to turn down the settings a little.
After all, most games are designed to run on Xbox Series X and PlayStation 5 hardware, which are much less powerful than the latest series of GPUs.
Enter cryptomining. Thanks to various services and the ease of mining Ethereum and other cryptocurrencies, gamers can earn money with their graphics cards, to pay off their next round of upgrades. There’s nothing wrong with skipping this generation of graphics cards, especially when the next lineup is just months away.
Set aside your worries about power usage. If you’re already using electricity to heat up your apartment during winter, why not keep yourself warm with a computer which generates passive income when you’re not using it? Furthermore, while the current generation of cards may remain greatly out of reach for now, that won’t be the case forever.
Within a year, Ethereum will move to a “proof of stake” system that will effectively end the need for GPU-based mining — the most profitable token to mine at the moment. As with the previous crypto bubble, demand for GPUs will die down. And when that happens, gamers can expect the secondhand market to explode with high-end graphics cards, making them affordable for anyone to upgrade.
Better yet, should you have been mining during that time, you can use your earnings to effectively buy yourself a whole new rig.
Following the previous bust in 2018, loads of Bitcoin and Ethereum farms offloaded their equipment, which had been rendered obsolete by higher mining requirements, and gamers saw a flood of high-end graphics cards. For now, Nvidia is trying to cope with the demand by releasing GPUs with built-in limiters to make them less effective for mining, but they’ve since been overcome, which means that these pieces of hardware, too, will be available to gamers at not-insane prices.
It’s never a good idea to buy high-end graphics cards to begin with. First adopters are effectively beta testers for state-of-the-art hardware that only reaches its full potential at the end of its cycle before the next generation of hardware comes around. So don’t give in to FOMO, because patience will, inevitably, pay off.
Granted, sometimes it pays off with feelings of, “Darn. I sure wish I had pulled the trigger when I had the chance.” Although that could somewhat undermine the (questionable) point here. We offer, then, the following editorial comment on the crypto editorial.
Honestly people that equate used graphics cards with new, and consider it “never a good idea” to buy high-end graphics cards, have quite simply never owned a high-end graphics card it seems like to this Editor. Pity, that. … While never good to live in fear of missing out on everything, consciously attempting to justify missing out on special things so that those special things can be sold in bulk for a higher profit just sounds like an Nvidia marketing campaign.
Bottom line: It seems to us that this entire debate comes down to that whole “provided you’re willing to turn down the settings a little” part. If we were willing to turn down the settings, we would not be in the market for a new graphics card we could install ourselves in the first place. We might not even know what a “graphics card” might be or how one might use one. … At the risk of appearing overly Anglophile in the critique here, it does sound a bit like, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”
With vaccinations ramping up in the U.S. and infection rates dropping — even in cities hit hardest by COVID-19 — the Centers for Disease Control has relaxed their mask mandates for those who’ve received the jab. But not every business and local government, or their coronavirus-wary citizens, are eager to give up the face coverings that have been credited with saving thousands of lives.
Earlier in 2021, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, appeared on NBC’s Meet the Press and said, “We’ve had practically a nonexistent flu season this year merely because people were doing the kinds of public health things that were directed predominantly against COVID-19.”
Taking the observation further, the nation’s COVID guru hypothesized that “people might actually elect to wear masks” after the imminent threat of the killer bug fades to protect themselves from annoying colds and the flu.
But after 15-plus months of covering up, it’s not so outlandish to wonder what America’s latest new normal will be — and when we’ll get there.
Previous pandemics had utilized face coverings to successfully slow the spread of disease — sinister-looking and useless 17th century plague masks aside. Wu Lien-teh, a University of Cambridge-educated Chinese doctor, championed the use of the “prophylactic apparatus” to ward off the Manchurian pneumonic plague that killed about 60,000 people between 1910 and 1911.
But that death toll was nothing compared to the Spanish flu which socked the globe in 1918 and may have stolen as many as 50 million lives — and saw people frantically covering up with masks, scarves and veils in an effort to stop the scourge. Masks also came out in many nations during the deadly SARS outbreak in the early 2000s.
But as each of those crises came to a close, masks gradually disappeared — save for some Asian countries where it became good manners to keep your germs to yourself. With experts claiming a cough can produce as many as 3,000 droplets potentially containing the life-threatening novel coronavirus, it’s easy to understand why many public officials rallied around the mask — even as the politicization around them grew. One health professional went as far as to say mask-wearing could spell the difference between a rampaging pandemic and a disease that simply peters out.
But as COVID fatigue sets in, and vaccinations seem to be doing their job, some people have grown restless — even if they never bothered to cover up themselves in the first place.
However, among those who did, not everyone is eager to fling their mask to the wind — including those who are immunocompromised, caregivers for the vulnerable and those just dead set on playing it safe for a little while longer.
A recent survey from Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center polled more than 2,000 people and found a whopping 72 percent said they’d keep their masks on in certain situations. About 90 percent said they’d keep up their frequent hand-washing; we thank you for that — and that remaining 10 percent shouldn’t be expecting an invite to our barbecue.
In an online Q&A, Shannon O’Neill, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, said, “It makes a lot of sense that people are feeling anxious and unsettled right now. Just when we were finally adjusting to a new normal and some predictability and flow, the world is preparing to change all over again. Future uncertainty and a sense of not knowing what to expect can fuel anticipatory anxiety.”
With variants lurking in viral hotspots and travel kicking up, there’s no telling what the coming months will bring as far as mask-wearing goes. Although the momentum seems to be swinging toward personal choice — barring yet another devastating wave of infections. As one Twitter user quipped, “MFs at work keep asking me why I’m still wearing a mask if I’m vaccinated. Have you ever considered that I’m mysterious and interesting and sexy?”
Anyone who has seen the Penthouse video featuring Gianna Dior along with a vast collection of other Pets (and one cat) in a mask-wearing public service announcement will completely understand the mysterious and sexy aspects for a few fortunate souls. Anyone who has not, can do so now, because we try to helpful and interesting — even if we cannot all be mysterious and sexy.
“Who said life is fair? Where is that written?” (That would be a quote from the world’s greatest movie, btw.)
Car sex has all the elements of a thrilling fuck — urgency, risk and the undeniable teenage nostalgia that comes along with it. We’ve all awkwardly slid into the passenger seat or been jabbed in the thigh by a gear stick while trying to climb over the center console of a motor vehicle for the sake of sex. For some of us, car sex was the holy grail of our high-school hookups. But car sex shouldn’t just be reserved for teens. In fact, a study based on search engine data showed more than 6,600 Americans Google “how to have sex in a car” every month. Before you go giving or getting some rev-worthy road head, here are five things you should know first.
Car sex should be all about speed. If you’re looking for a longer lovemaking session, save it for somewhere that’s actually comfortable. Unless leg cramps and backaches are your fetish, of course. Car sex should be reserved for fast and furious lunch-break sex or a quick romp on the side of the highway during a road trip. Car sex inherently comes with a sense of urgency because nothing kills a boner quicker than getting a citation for indecency.
Everyone thinks car sex is all about doing it in the passenger seat, but the rear of the vehicle is going to offer you the smoothest ride. Maximize the minimal space by sitting in the middle of the backseat and having your partner straddle you. Getting it on this way means she’s not going to end up whacking her elbow on the door or sitting on a gear stick that isn’t yours.
Car windows are a catch-22 when it comes to sex in a vehicle. If you keep the windows up, you’re guaranteed to have the hottest sex of your life. Steamy, active bodies in a small space with no air is just going to overheat both of your engines before you cross the finish line. Crack a window at least a fraction, or you’ll find yourself role-playing that scene in Titanic where Rose’s hand drags down the steamy window. While that might sound sexy in theory, fogged-up windows on a Prius that’s rocking side-to-side is a dead giveaway for an off-road romp. Wind the windows down a little, but be aware that noise travels. We suggest keeping the dirty torque to a minimum.
Sex has an unmistakable smell, and it’s a scent that can linger. Sure, it’s a fragrance we love, but try to avoid smelling like a walking wet patch, if you can. Lower the windows afterward, and enjoy the post car-sex glow, making sure to give yourselves plenty of time to air out before you go from missionary to your next mission. Having a quickie in a cramped space is bound to get you sweating like you’re being hightailed by the cops. If you think car sex might be in your future, keep a few toiletries in the glove compartment, like hand sanitizer, deodorant, lube, face wipes and condoms.
Let’s be real. Car sex when you were a horny teenager was fun because sex was new and exciting — and you had nowhere else to do it. But times change, and our expectations of comfort evolve as we age, so don’t be shocked if you find car sex as an adult surprisingly hard work … tire-ing, even.
With that being said, variety is the spice of life, so clean the Tic Tacs and crushed Cheerios out of your seats and go christen your Civic.
Hey, you can christen your European sports car, should that be an option for you as well. The magazine used LaSirena69 (Pet of the Month, February, 2021) to illustrate this article at publication, so we kept up with that theme here as well. Of course we decided to “enhance” our car sex extravaganza with a few quick shots of Angela White, the current (October, 2021) Pet of the Month too — because we really, really like Ferraris, of course.
Fifteen years ago, the world was already smelling what The Rock was cooking — and couldn’t get enough of it. During his conversation with Penthouse in October 2006, Dwayne Johnson displayed his charisma, sense of humor and showbiz smarts as he discussed his role in the video game Spy Hunter and his burgeoning acting career. But since then, the WWE legend has amassed an impressive movie resume, with films that have raked in more than $10.5 billion worldwide at the box office, making him one of the globe’s highest-grossing actors — and the most followed American on Instagram.
His eyebrow-raising success has included him starring in and producing the hit HBO series Ballers, appearing in the Fast & Furious and Jumanji franchises and taking a musical turn in Disney’s Moana as bombastic demigod Maui, among other successful projects. And his eventful life has even inspired the sitcom Young Rock, which was recently renewed for a second season on NBC.
Now 49, the gregarious star is larger than life at six-foot-four and a reported 260 pounds of muscle, but he’s earned a spot as one of pop culture’s most endearing personalities — thanks in no small part to his Instagram account @therock.
In his picture-packed posts, Johnson demonstrates how he maintains his impressive physique, dishes about his movie work and business projects, gives heartwarming insights into his personal life and delivers encouraging messages.
With 244 million followers, he’s the most popular actor on the platform, only coming in second to Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano) but topping “God Is a Woman” singer Ariana Grande (@arianagrande).
When the California-born performer surpassed the impressive 200 million mark in October 2020, he expressed his gratitude, telling fans he was “humbled” by their support.
Piper Kerman, author of Orange Is the New Black, wrote about The Rock’s universal appeal, calling him a “uniter, not a divider.”
His incredible popularity has even sparked chatter that he may launch a bid for the White House one day.
When asked about a potential presidential run during an interview earlier this year on Today, The Rock admitted, “I do have that goal to unite our country, and I also feel that if this is what the people want, then I will do that.”
He added, “If the time comes where there is a good amount of people who want to see that happen, then I’m going to consider it.”
The self-described “political independent and centrist,” who threw his weight behind Joe Biden and Kamala Harris in in 2020, didn’t elaborate on what party he might possibly represent or give any sort of time frame. But The Rock’s remarks followed him sharing a poll on social media, which revealed 46 percent of those surveyed said they’d consider casting their vote for him as commander in chief.
In his post about the poll, The Rock wrote: “I don’t think our Founding Fathers EVER envisioned a six-four, bald, tattooed, half-Black, half-Samoan, tequila drinking, pick up truck driving, fanny pack wearing guy joining their club — but if it ever happens it’d be my honor to serve you, the people.”
With all he’s achieved so far, there’s little reason to doubt The Rock could successfully make the leap from the squared circle to the Oval Office.
Being rather the modern — ideal in some views — man, The Rock has multiple social media accounts on the standard platforms, but sees no need for a “personal” web site. That said, his Seven Bucks Productions company has one, and you can adorn yourself with Rock Gear at another should you desire. To put it simply, should you desire more, Rock On. (Sorry. Sometimes we simply cannot help ourselves.)
Danny Trejo is a real-life badass with an adrenaline-fueled past that could rival that of any of his onscreen characters.
The Machete actor, who grew up in Los Angeles, was using heroin at 12, robbing liquor stores and banks with his uncle Gilbert at age 14 and attended his first 12-step meeting at 15. He also spent most of the ’60s in some of America’s most notorious lockups. He even ended up in solitary confinement at Salinas Valley State Prison in Soledad, Calif., after accidentally striking a guard with a rock during a riot. But he avoided landing on death row when the case was dropped.
During his incarceration, Trejo turned his life around, becoming a top boxer and successfully overcoming his drug and alcohol addictions.
After Trejo was sprung, he worked as a youth drug counselor and landed an opportunity to train actor Eric Roberts in boxing for the movie Runaway Train, which led to a small part in the film. Since then, the Mexican-American star has become a Hollywood staple and is one of the most prolific actors in the biz, amassing a cinematic rap sheet of over 400 acting credits.
Now 77, Trejo has been sober for 52 years, and since cleaning up his act, he’s devoted his life to helping others. Ahead of the release of his tell-all Trejo, he spoke with Penthouse about how he rebuilt his life after finding sobriety and spirituality, his life-changing acting roles and how he overcame adversity to become Hollywood’s friendliest bad guy.
To be honest, I haven’t read anything but scripts for the past two years! I’ve been busy, busy, busy. I tried out for the Penthouse centerfold, but they wouldn’t take me.
When I started writing it, I was just kind of scribbling stuff down. Then a friend of mine, Donal Logue, an actor who was on Gotham and Sons of Anarchy, actually started reading it and told me I was skipping over stuff. He started helping me, and we both wrote it together. I started reliving a lot of stuff that I’d kind of put out of my head. It was awesome because I was writing with somebody I really trust. Donal and I have been friends for years; he’s my BFF. So, it was real, and it was simple because of the trust we have. It was kind of like working with a really close brother who knows everything about you.
[Laughs] Absolutely. I walked into that meeting holding a case of beer, three bottles of wine and a half-pint of whiskey, and I had a .38 snubnose in my pocket. I didn’t know it was an AA meeting. We went in thinking it was a party! There were a lot of cars parked outside, and to me that meant some kind of function, so we crashed in through the front door and saw a big sign that said, “We care.”
It was strange, but I was already loaded on pills. The man running the meeting invited me to stay and started to explain the program to me. Then he whispered the curse.
He said, “If you leave, you’ll either die, go insane, or go to jail.”
And it seemed like every time I would get in some kind of trouble, I would hear that, you know? Die, go insane, or go to jail, and that’s the curse of the 12-step program.
I no longer want to shower with 50 men. I no longer want to stay in isolation for six months, you know? Some of us, we die, go insane, or go to jail. Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. The results to me, of doing the same thing or falling into old habits, is going to jail. That means I have to shower with 50 men again and try not to look, and here I am again, locked up, sitting in a hole. I guess the temptation for me is not what it is to everybody else. When I hear everybody else talk about it, it seems like they had a lot of fun when they were drinking and doing drugs. Whereas for me, I got shot at, got stabbed, people tried to chase me, I had the police after me. So, it might have been exciting, but I wouldn’t call it a lot of fun.
It’s funny that you say that because I always used to sing “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay!” in the morning in prison to keep my mind going. I’d sing “Get rid of worry in a hurry, chase the blues away! Just laugh and be happy!”
Well, when you’re doing that, it’s kind of hard to feel down! I’ve had people call me and tell me they’re depressed, and I’m like, “OK, let’s try this.” And I’ll sing to them, and they’ll start laughing. To me, it’s just another form of prayer and meditation because it is just putting your mind in a different place, instead of concentrating on being depressed. I’m singing this silly-ass song, and I’m laughing.
Absolutely. Without God, I’d be dead. I made a deal with God in 1968 in the hole in Soledad. I said, “If you let me die with dignity, I’ll say your name every day, and I will do whatever I can for my fellow inmate.”
I was in prison, and I didn’t think I was ever getting out. I honestly believe that God said, “OK, sucker, I’ll give you a break. You got the rest of your life to prove it,” and I’ve been living up to my deal ever since. Because it wasn’t help me pass this test or let me get a good grade or don’t let my mom be mad at me. I just wanted to die with dignity, and he’s been keeping his deal, and I’ve been keeping mine, and you know, it’s been a pretty good life.
Well, I honestly believe that’s the way we’re supposed to live. When I see people talking about how spiritual they are and stuff, I always wonder: How many people have you helped today? How many homeless people have you fed? How many pairs of socks did you hand out? Because everybody who I consider a friend, and everybody who I would break bread with, has thermal underwear, socks or a bag of hamburgers in the trunk of their car because they’re passing them out to homeless people or they’re helping kids in juvenile hall. That’s what we do. That’s what makes people feel good. Not just them, but the person that’s doing it. I like feeling good, and that makes me feel good.
When I see people talking about how spiritual they are and stuff, I always wonder: How many people have you helped today?
Recently, I bought a bunch of food, and I was handing out meals to the homeless. That’s important, especially right now, after this pandemic. There are people homeless, and not because they want to be. They’ve lost their apartments. They’ve lost their houses. This was a worldwide epidemic, and now we have to get back from that. So we’ve got people who were kind of bombed out. Like in London when people were bombed out, during the Second World War. We didn’t say, “Oh well, they should just pull themselves up now.”
We took care of them. And that’s what we have to do now. We have to take care of all these people. I’m no saint, but I just know we’ve got to do our part.
Go do something for somebody. Just do something, anything. Go to your closet, find some old shirts or some clothes and just go hand them to a homeless guy. When you see the joy that one of your old damp shirts can bring someone, you can’t help but feel good. When the people I sponsor call me and say, “You know, this is happening, and I feel so bad.” I’m like, all right, come on, let’s go feed some homeless people.”
One day I gave a 20-dollar bill to this lady on the street who was selling these little thread bracelets. She had her two little kids with her, and she was making these bracelets on a blanket. So I took two of them, and I gave her a 20. She was like, “I don’t have change.”
I insisted, but she was scared to take it. She was homeless, and she kept saying, “Oh no, no, no, I don’t have change.”
And I was like, “That’s OK. I have these two bracelets. I don’t need change.”
And she was overwhelmed and said, “Oh my God, I can get some shoes for my kids!”
Shoes? Damn, where you shopping? I want to know where you’re shopping! But she was so grateful and so overwhelmed. I was going through a divorce, and I felt like a million dollars. There’s always somebody that needs help. All I’ve got to do when I feel bad is find somebody who feels worse and help them.
[Laughs] She did. My daughter has absolutely everything to do with it. Let me tell you something, because if I would say something like, not derogatory, but smart, kind of like, “Hey, ese … I love the way that skirt fits you,” or a guy kind of comment, she’d almost slap me and go, “Dad! You can’t do that. My God, what is wrong with you? What if somebody said that to me?”
And she started doing that when she was like five and six, you know? My daughter has had everything in the world to do with my changed attitude toward everybody. She’s an amazing little girl. Well, she’s not little. She’s 32 now, but she’s just amazing.
When I made my promise, when I made my deal with God, I didn’t even say I will help people every day. I remember saying, “I’ll say your name every day, and I will do what I can for my fellow inmate the rest of my life.”
I thought I was going to stay in prison. I didn’t even think about getting out of prison. And when I got out, it was like, wow, OK, God. So, everything that has happened since that time, I blame on God, because I never thought I was getting out of prison, let alone would be where I’m at. I have to say that if you don’t like the way I am, blame God, because I’ve just been trying to live the way he wanted to me live. It’s how he wants all of us to live. Not just me. It’s funny, though, because everybody that I deal with ends up being involved in helping people. My ex-wife Joanne belonged to this organization that gave me a humanitarian award, and we’ve been divorced for 30 years, but when I got the award, she told people, “Danny showed me how to care for people.”
She said, “I would wake up there would be some drug addicts sleeping in my living room.”
And I would say, “Oh, he needs a place to stay. We’re going to help him,” because that’s what I do, and that’s what I did. So that was the best compliment I could get—and that’s coming from an ex-wife!
Eddie Bunker. You’ve got to mention Eddie Bunker. I was in San Quentin with him, and this is a guy that when he saw me on the set of Runaway Train [as an extra], he remembered that I won the lightweight and the welterweight championships [in prison]. He saw me win that. And he goes, “Trejo, are you still boxing?”
And I said, “No, man, I’m 40 years old. Are you kidding? I don’t want to get hit in the face no more.”
And he said, “We need somebody to train one of the actors how to box.”
And I remember saying, “What’s it pay?” because at the time they were giving me $50 for being an extra.
When he told me the pay was $320 a day, I said, “How bad do you want this guy beat up?” Because I was making $320 a week as a drug counselor.
And so Eddie kind of steered me toward training Eric Roberts how to box for Runaway Train. That’s how I got into the movie business.
My son Gilbert just finished directing me in a music video for a band called Starcrawler, and I think that was one of the highlights of my life. He would give me a direction, and under my breath I would tell him, “I used to put you in time out,” and he would say, “Yeah, but I’m the director now, Dad.”
To me, there’s God, then there’s the director. On a film set, I’m hired to act and he’s hired to direct, so I had to give my son the same respect that I’d give Michael Mann or Robert Rodriguez. It was unbelievable. There were a couple of times I almost started crying, because, wow, here he is, my son Gilbert Trejo directing me.
I think people have struggled with not giving me respect in Hollywood. I respect everybody. I would rather have a mangy dog for a friend than an enemy. I think it’s up to an individual to demand respect and to tell people when they’re being disrespectful. I won’t let people disrespect me. There’s a couple of times I’ve threatened to beat people to death for disrespecting me. Movie stars are dicks. Not all of them … yeah, all of them. Hollywood is geared to seduce you into thinking that everybody’s supposed to go get you a cappuccino. It’s made that way, and the reality is that a movie is a great big team effort. Piss off the camera guy, see what happens. Your kids will be asking you, “Daddy, why are you blurry in this movie?”
I try to treat everybody the way I want to be treated. And it seems to work for me.
In fact, Eddie Bunker once said the secret to my success is that everybody who’s worked with me wants to work with me again. I sound like I’m bragging, but I want to leave every situation that I’m in better than when I got there. Whatever the situation is. Eddie was awesome. He passed away but remains one of the greatest, greatest crime writers ever. Another thing he said to me was, “The whole world can think you’re a movie star, but you can’t,” and I said, “What are you talking about?” and he said, “Watch, come here.” So we went over to one of the stars who was on this movie that we were on. We were standing there, and everybody was like, you know, sucking up to him. And then when he walked away, we heard people saying, “Boy, I’d like to kick that guy’s face in!” Woah! They’ll be nice to you because you’re the star, but if you’re not a good person, when you leave, they won’t ask you back.
Yeah, I’ve done a lot! I have to admit a lot of those films that I’ve done were student films, where I did them as a favor for some kid who was a first-time director. Low budget films, where they’ll buy you lunch or something. People think that since I’ve done so many movies I must be a millionaire, but the reality is that a lot of those films were favors. In fact, I just got asked to do another favor. Some kid is doing a film, and he’s a student. Yeah, OK. I’ll do a walkthrough or something. I don’t mind! I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m successful in the film industry.
When I speak at schools and juvenile halls, I find the first thing you have to do is get the kids’ attention. Number two is that’s impossible because they have none; they have no attention. And three, you have to show them you’re cool. And if you’re 10 years older than them, you’ve lost your cool badge. Then you have to deliver your message. My message is that alcohol and drugs will ruin your life. Education is the key to anything you want to do, and anybody can deliver that message.
The only problem is because of number one they’re not listening. Well, the blessing that this movie career has given me is that I have everybody’s attention the minute I get close to that campus. Teachers have told me the kids that don’t even come to assemblies are there. I went to some of the worst schools in Los Angeles and going into an auditorium, the kids are screaming and yelling, and the teachers are screaming and yelling back. I walk out, and everyone goes quiet. That’s not because of Danny Trejo, though. That’s because they’re seeing the guy from Heat, the guy from Desperado, the guy from Con Air, the guy from Machete. They’re seeing the guy from all those movies that those kids love, and suddenly, boom! They want to hear what that guy has to say. So, it’s a blessing. I’m still doing this work. And that’s what this movie business was about for me.
I think it would have to be in the movie Heat with Robert De Niro. I think that was the most unreal, just being on the screen by myself with Robert De Niro. It was like, whoa! That was the biggest thing, because Robert De Niro was like the president, you know what I mean? He’s like the main guy, and working with him felt like being knighted. I felt like Sir Trejo! And he was a real gentleman, who was so professional and just so unbelievable. When he said, “How do you want to do this death?” I almost pissed my pants because, wow, it’s Robert De Niro. I’ll never forget that as long as I live. And then he came and did Machete with me.
Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else. There was a director who wanted me to do this low budget movie, but I’d had an offer for a bigger movie that offered more money. But my agent, Gloria, said I should do the low budget one because it looked like a good deal. So I did this low budget movie that I didn’t want to do, even though at that time I would have preferred the money. The movie was called Bad Ass. It turned into a trilogy, and I ended up making four times the money.
Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else.
Gloria won’t let me forget it. This is where I met a producer named Ash Shah, who saw that I eat good quality food. I don’t eat processed or fast food. And all of a sudden, he said, “Hey, why don’t you open a restaurant?”
Jokingly, I said, “Trejos Tacos!” Because my mom always talked about opening a restaurant just to piss off my dad.
And that’s actually how I got into the restaurant business. Ash brought me a business plan. I gave it to Gloria, and the rest is history.
Yeah, when I die! No, I also just started a record label. Chicano Soul Shop Vol. 1 is out now, and we’re getting ready to drop an album called Trejo’s Soul Classics. I was helping this little lady whose daughter wanted to be a singer, so I started this record company. And I’ve got three or five artists right now that are all signing with me, and we’re getting ready to drop another album. I like watching people be successful.
Basically I had these contracts that were already signed. And it was like, if the studios find out that I have cancer, I could lose it all. And I didn’t want that. So I went to work, while in the middle of chemo. God, I went to work feeling like I was dying. I remember this one movie, every time the director went “Cut!” I would walk off set by myself and throw up and then come back. Simply because we were shooting, and I didn’t want to cost everybody money. And also, I got bills like everybody else. I was like, I don’t want to leave my kids with this debt. I didn’t want to leave owing a bunch of stuff.
Let me tell you something. Dogs are our responsibility now. Way back when they were wolves, we called them into our fire. We domesticated them. They were fine just crapping anywhere they wanted and just doing whatever they wanted. They were fine. But we brought them into our fire, and we domesticated them. We turned them into Shih Tzus and everything else. So they’re our responsibility. So every time you pass an animal shelter and you see dogs there, you’re not living up to your responsibility. I love dogs. I’ve got five or six. I’m trying to live up to my responsibility—and that’s animals and kids. Right now, we got a bunch of kids living in Long Beach Civic Center, and they came from Mexico, and they’re our responsibility. Some people say, “Well, they’re illegal immigrants!” But it’s not about that. They’re human beings, you know? I feel that we’re responsible for everybody in the world. That’s just the way it is.
[Laughs] Wow, say that in the article and tell my three ex-wives they need to remember that!
In a rare circumstance come to life, you can also read a different interview with Danny Trejo pubished in Penthouse over a decade ago now. Someone that stays interesting enough to devote precious print space to twice do not come along very often.
Also, Trejo: My Life of Crime, Redemption, and Hollywood (Atria Books, $27) hit bookstores July 6th of this year, and of course you can find it at Amazon. Although we both enjoy and encourage reading, we do rather enjoy eating as well, so you might check to see if you can find a Trejo’s Tacos near you. Or if you happen to be bopping about Hollywood at some point, put Trejo’s Coffee and Donuts on your list. Grab a Margarita donut, pair it with De Berry Bomb, then stroll down Santa Monica Boulevard singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” along the way. Disney may have run away from it, but people will still smile at you.
This spin-off of the pro wrestling documentary series looks at tragic and bizarre real-life stories to come from the American football world.
Since 2019, fans have loved watching the original series as producers lifted the veil on some of the most gripping stories in wrestling. It should come as no surprise then to see the successful franchise expand. As evidencing the huge popularity of former Dark Side episodes, Dark Side of the Ring has not only pulled in massive ratings, but actually stands as the # 1 show of all time on Vice TV.
Everyday sports fans have been fascinated by the opportunity to take a glimpse behind the scenes – and sneak a peek at the madness and mayhem – as insiders speak about how the wrestling world really runs.
As VICE returned the wrestling docuseries for Season 3 in May, David Arquette, actor-turned-wrestler, became prominent among the talking heads. He gleefully recalls being “in over my head” during his bloody 2018 GCW so-called “death match” against Nick Gage, and we all get to relive the excitement.
Director Jason Eisener said, “As a kid, I grew up watching wrestling. I was a huge fan of Hulk Hogan, and The Undertaker, and Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts. About eight years ago, I started looking at wrestling again, and I started reading these stories from behind the scenes that were just so insane and larger than life … We thought, man, it would be so great to one day be able to examine the desperate lengths that these wrestlers went to, to protect the mystique of wrestling.”
And, it turns out, this bizarre side is not unique to wrestling.
Now, the franchise is taking a look at the two sides of American football. On the one hand, we have America’s undying love of football, this balanced against the flip side of disturbing damage and rampant corporate corruption. Even as the series kicked off, the high-energy voice of a player spoke about stabbings, fights and beatings, along with the impact all of that has had on his state of mind. He said he was scared for his life.
“You don’t ever let anyone punk you. This is a game of respect,” another personality said.
Should you be a fan of dull moments, you should definitely avoid this new series, but if you like your professional sports served with a side of troubling human tales, put this on your must-watch list. The network “VICE” seems particularly appropriate in this case.
Color us in the not surprised category when it comes to pro athletes not really living the lives we may imagine – and envy to some extent. That said, this new VICE series will hold some appeal for NFL fans in general. You may not really learn all that much, but the people talking tend to be interesting, and the shows are produced well. If you hate Bill Belichick, you will still hate him after his show. If you love Bill Belichick, you will continue to do so. Most importantly – at least for fans of the old television series Burn Notice AND the National Football League – you will be able to reaffirm your belief that much like spies, wide receivers are a “bunch of bitchy little girls.” (Of course these days that should be a bunch of bitchy little gender-neutral humans, but the point remains the same.)
The band’s 1997 debut album, Mogwai Young Team, peaked at No. 75 on the U.K. charts just a few months after Tony Blair’s New Labour seized power with its new masculinity, new meritocracy, new everything — a Team-U.K. shininess, brashness and pre-Iraq War confidence reflected in sobriquets such as Britpop and Cool Britannia. Be Here Now by Oasis and Spiceworld by the Spice Girls were the bestselling U.K. albums that year. Continue reading “Mogwai After Midnight”
