Young MacDonald

Posted on by Team Penthouse

But Who IS Tom MacDonald?

In the current heated climate, few have the guts to speak up, while MacDonald is fearless in offering an alternative worldview, bringing hope to many who see themselves as outsiders.

The Canadian artist has become known for his social commentary flowing through slick delivery — and he’s swiftly amassed an impressive following together with his girlfriend, Nova Rockafeller. MacDonald beat Cardi B on the iTunes Hip-Hop Top 40 before making it onto the Billboard 100. His online videos regularly reach well over a million views within months of being released. The former pro wrestler attributes his success to staying independent and refusing to let a label mess with his vision.

Many major labels wouldn’t be keen to give the green light to an artist presenting songs such as “People So Stupid,” “WHITEBOY” and “Buttholes.” It’s working for MacDonald. He’s being hailed as the champion of “caption rap,” a term coined by hip-hop fans online to describe underground hip-hop artists who promote their music directly through social media. Like any subculture, it comes with angry skeptics who believe they’re gatekeepers of acceptable narratives.

In “No Lives Matter,” MacDonald raps:
“Freedom’s dead, if you have an opinion, take it back
People hate the president, if you don’t then you trash
Indoctrinate the nation using news and mainstream rap
The government abuses us, it’s all part of the plan.”

In 2019, his song “Cloned Rappers” was used as fuel for the crazy conspiracy that acclaimed rapper Eminem died years ago and is now a clone. The video setting looks like a scene out of Frankenstein, working well for conspiracy theorists desperately hunting for evidence clones have been created in a lab. The less conspiratorial chose to interpret lyrics as being metaphorical for rappers not being able to express themselves. The video for “Cloned Rappers” swiftly surpassed 1 million views on YouTube.

In March 2020, his song “Coronavirus” amassed 2.8 million views on YouTube. He rapped:
“This is a pandemic, but we don’t listen to the news
‘Cause they lied to us for years so how we know that this truth?”

These lyrics kick-started a debate about so-called “responsible leadership,” “insensitivity,” “problematic content,” and, therefore, the final destination of censorship. Heaven forbid, anyone’s allowed to think for themselves in 2020.

While self-quarantined in his own home, MacDonald took to his Facebook fan page to speak directly with his 1.1 million followers. During that livestream, he spoke about YouTube suppressing views and censoring content. MacDonald explained he worked around the clock in one day to write the lyrics for “Coronavirus,” mix the beat, record the song, shoot the video and release it to YouTube in the 23rd hour.

His other songs “Straight White Male” and “Everybody Hates Me” attracted a similar divided reaction of rolling eyes versus applause from supporters. It’s Tom MacDonald’s raw honesty and courage to say what many are thinking that’s attracting fans.

Anyone hoping such freedom of speech will fade away if Joe Biden is officially declared president has no idea what they’re up against.

[It said “IF Joe Biden” in the original Australian text, so we quoted it here. We try not to get involved in personal assaults on authors and their opinons — mostly because we have found it counter-productive to debate with idiots. Still, one can find many, many sources out there dealiing with the last U.S. Presidential election. … You can fact check yourself starting HERE, or you can decide to simply poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. At least that result might be beyond debate when it happens. These days you never can tell, though. -Ed.]

Easter Cam Girls

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Celebrate Easter Cam Girls with These Cute Chicks

Instead of your usual chocolate bunnies, colored eggs, and confetti … how about we load it full of the cutest chicks and some real sweets that will make your mouth water! What could be better than Easter Cam Girls? After all, thousands of the hottest chicks on the planet are ready for you to unwrap and enjoy during live sex shows right now on Camster.com! Continue reading “Easter Cam Girls”

Angel Sweety

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Heaven on Earth

Sinfully gorgeous Angel Sweety hails from the beautiful country of Colombia. With a luscious pout and a killer bod, it’s easy to see how this curvy cam girl has earned a devoted following—and the coveted title of Penthouse Cyber Cutie! One look at the 27-year-old stunner’s heavenly photos had us on cloud nine. But as one online admirer wrote, “Don’t be fooled by her innocent-looking face — she’s 100% naughty!”

What is your hometown?

The city of Medellin in Colombia. It’s called the “City of Eternal Spring” because of its pleasant weather.

How did Angel Sweety get started in the cam business?

I was actually introduced to the world of camming through a close friend. It caught my attention right away because I saw so many beautiful and exotic women, and I thought it would be a good way for me to develop myself as a woman and to be able to interact with people from all over the world.

What do you like most about the work?

What I like most about this job is that I have the freedom to express myself and to interact with so many amazing people that I would’ve probably never had the chance to meet. I get to show who I am, while providing my fans with satisfaction and meeting their needs.

What’s your most memorable cam performance?

I have had so many memorable experiences as a cam model, to be honest. But one of my favorites was when one of my fans asked me to relax with him and watch a movie together. He wanted to express his feelings for me through the message of the movie. It was very sweet and unexpected and one of my favorite private shows I’ve ever done.

Very, very few places in the working world truly empower women to be in complete charge of their own person, profession, income and overall lives as the cam industry provides. Angel Sweety provides an outstanding beginning to a more in-depth examination by Penthouse, but we hope there will be many more to follow. (For the record, there are also many, many worse jobs than following up on this story will be.)

Photographer: @SEBASJIMENEZPH … Angel Sweety: TWITTER and SCHEDULE

Mongolian Fate — Eight Centuries Vanish

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Inner Mongolia China’s Cultural Genocide

“The right to learn and use one’s mother tongue is an inalienable right for all,” tweeted the former president of Mongolia, Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj, in response to a decision by the government of the People’s Republic of China (PRC) to terminate bilingual Mongolian education in China’s Inner Mongolia. Continue reading “Mongolian Fate — Eight Centuries Vanish”

Breaking Good

Posted on by Team Penthouse

So, Yes, Drugs are Bad

When you are in the relentless grip of this drug, leisure time doesn’t exist. The only thing that matters is where your next puff is coming from.

I became addicted to ice just when Breaking Bad was coming out. As I started to deal more and more, a few people mentioned the similarities between me and Walter White, the lead character in the series — a family man turned bad. But Walter White became motivated by greed alone — I just needed to pay for a $1,000-a-day habit. If I saw any episodes of Breaking Bad during those lost years, I don’t remember. But I watched it when I came out of prison, safe in the knowledge that my story would end much more happily than Heisenberg’s. That’s why my book is called Breaking Good.

While Breaking Bad is obviously fictional and dramatized, the Australian series Underbelly is much more true to life. When I got sucked into a life of crime, I would hear stories about the actions of Carl Williams, Mick Gatto or Lewis Moran, the kingpins of the Melbourne underworld. At the time, I thought it was the typical meth-fuelled bullshit that I heard every day. Then, when I watched the series, I realized it had all been true. I even knew some of the characters from my kickboxing days and once fought on the same card as Benji Veniamin. Who knows? Some of these guys could have been pulling the strings when I was shot and stabbed in my factory. My co-author of Breaking Good thinks we should create a TV series around my story and, considering my frame, suggested we call it Overbelly. No one likes a wise guy!

Before I tried meth for the first time, I was drawn — perhaps tellingly — to films about addiction to money and power. Scarface was my favorite. Al Pacino’s character, Tony Montana, rises from being a Cuban refugee with nothing to a powerful drug lord. I’ll never forget that final scene where, having been shot, Montana’s corpse falls into a fountain in front of a statue bearing the message: “The world is yours.”

More recently, I enjoyed the John Wick films, American Made with Tom Cruise and the TV series Sons of Anarchy. I may have left the world of bikies, drugs, guns and women behind, but that outlaw lifestyle will always be fascinating.

And I also enjoyed the Netflix series Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons. I know presenter Raphael Rowe, and I take my hat off to him for going into these places voluntarily, having been wrongly imprisoned himself. The series shows the massive range of ways that countries approach their penal systems. Norway, for instance, is all about rehabilitation. Russia and the U.S. are more about out-and-out punishment. But in countries like Brazil or Colombia, the prisons are almost like self-enclosed cities, with the hierarchy built around control of the black market. I found prison to be hell on earth, but Australia’s prisons are like palaces in comparison.

If I was to recommend a show that warns people away from crystal meth? That’s got to be Netflix’s Tiger King. Some crazy shit happens when this drug takes control.

Simon Fenech is the author of Breaking Good: A Harrowing Journey to Ice-Fuelled Hell and Back (Echo Publishing, $29.99). Now available at all good bookstores. And feel free to check out Dopeworld here.

Breaking Good Addendum

[This being a contribution from our Australian Penthouse friends (hence the word “bikies” for “motorcycles”), we felt like we should add that this would be available at all good bookstores in Australia. We do think BookTopia ships to the U.S., though, if you happen to live here, so that might be worth a shot. Not only did our research reveal that this dude looks a whole lot scarier than Bryan Cranston, but we were thrilled to hear that they still have book stores in Australia. Remember books that smelled like ink and paper? -Ed.]

Russian Space Dogs

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Belka and Strelka Raise the WOOF

Many people know the story of Laika, the first dog to go into space. Sadly, Laika was also the first dog to die in space, as the Soviet space program successfully tested their hypothesis that dogs could die in space. A far more uplifting story is that of Belka and Strelka, the two dogs who followed in Laika’s paw-steps, and who became the first two dogs to come back from space alive. Continue reading “Russian Space Dogs”

Watch LaSirena69

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Watch LaSirena69 — And These Watches (if you prefer, of course)

Bruno Belamich and Carlos Rosillo founded Bell & Ross back in 1992. Their designs have since become the go-to time tellers for those working in a demanding profession, from astronauts and pilots to mine clearance experts and even Hollywood hitman John Wick.

To pull off wearing a B&R model, however, you’ll need to look the part. Walking around in your shorts and flip-flops is not going to do this type of watch justice, so listen carefully!

Even though it is rooted in Switzerland and Paris, there is something undoubtedly classic about Bell & Ross designs, especially their military-inspired chronographs. So, a white tee with Levis and an aviator jacket definitely fits the image. Finish that look off with a pair of black boots or an old pair of Redwings, and you’ll be all set for a day in the sky.

If you’re more monochrome than military, preferring the shape of a finely tailored suit like John Wick for a more business-orientated ensemble, then B&R have you covered. A dark black and gray combination is ideal to exude an aura of sophistication with a nice BR V2-93 on under your cuff.

Most leather looks are also going to fit aesthetically with Bell & Ross watches, especially their BR V3-94 R.S.20, which was created for French car manufacturer Renault. Whatever your preference, Bell & Ross is a mark of durable quality — made for men who push boundaries.

[As seems to be more and more the case lately, we have a couple of “web-only” observations on the print magazine priorities. We would much prefer to watch LaSirena69, as a reasonable place to start. -Ed.]

In manner of explanation, we understand that high-end magazines like to publish articles on a bunch of stuff only a few of us can afford. Presumably that makes all the editors still dealing with physical paper feel … well, we have no idea, but it seems to make them happy. To be fair, we actually happen to know someone who owns a one of these Bell & Ross watches — among many other fancy watches — and for our part we will say that the B&R has to be one of the nicest bits of masculine adornment we have ever seen in person in this office. … Really nice. Elegant without being showy, should that be your thing. (He will not let any of us even borrow it, though, which honestly seems a little mean, but that would be whining for another day.)

For today, you see, and in the category of thinking about things which will almost certainly not be on the shopping list this week, we decided to bid February 2021 adieu with another editor’s take on our Pet of the Month. As you might imagine, we do a lot of different kinds of “publishing” around here, what with all the magazines, and television networks, social media outlets, clubs, and all sorts of miscellenaous events — at least before we all got forced indoors while the groovy scientists try to figure out how we can back outside without millions of people dying and all. Well, we ran across this alternate interview presentation with our (really fun, by the way) Pet and immediately thought, “Hey! This would be much more fun for people to watch rather than, y’know, watches.”

LaSirena69, Penthouse Pet of the Month - February, 2021

This way you too can watch LaSirena69 all over again while pondering the truly important questions in life like, “Gee. I wonder if I’d have a better shot with LaSirena69 if I had a $4,000 watch.”

By the way, in case you are new here — or “indoors” in your case means “under a rock” — you may contrast and compare interview versions by visiting LaSirena69’s Pet Page. That way you can watch LaSirena69 a lot, whether you wear a watch or not.

Penthouse Post-Corona Flourish

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Stimulation of the Senses

Olga Zavershinskaya, a Russian visual artist currently based in the Czech Republic, creates striking, surreal, erotic images that are a combination of photography and digital manipulation. Olga combines shapes, lines and light, reimagining the female nude — but always with a memorable twist, perfect for a Post-Corona exploration. Continue reading “Penthouse Post-Corona Flourish”

Penthouse Post-Corona Adaptation

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Suit Yourself

The viral pandemic threw a wrench into our social lives this year. Any plans we might have had that involved wearing a suit and going out were overpowered by our rotation of sweatpants and T-shirts and the requirement to stay in. However, they say that clothes maketh the man, and with the lockdown laws lifting, there’s never been a better time to refresh your wardrobe and up your sartorial style game.

We’ve come up with a few tips that will have you looking like a proper dapper chap for when it’s time to don a suit again.

The Pinstripe Suit

When we think of the pinstripe suit, it’s easy to picture Wall Street bankers and big shot lawyers. But the fact is pinstripe suits are back in a big way and will definitely make you stand out from the crowd. They can be worn with or without a vest, depending on the weather, and they also look great with a tie or cravat.

Adding a Bit of Color

If pinstripes aren’t your thing and you like a more refined, minimalist look for the occasion, you could definitely consider lighter color suits for your event. Beige or light blue always looks fantastic, especially when accompanied by some sleek navy-blue accessories to finish off your ensemble. Slip on your favorite pair of (designer) sunglasses to complete the look.

Footwear and Socks

This is an area that can really make or break your look.

Socks are an easily forgettable yet crucial link in a man’s wardrobe. Resist the urge to go too outlandish. For a classic, fluid look, coordinate the sock color with the tone of your trousers. Bolder dressers should consider mixing it up with a contrasting tone that complements another detail of the outfit (pocket square, tie, etc.). No matter what anyone says, superheroes and cartoon characters are not cool or a cultivated representation of who you are. Length matters! Always go for a longer sock, rather than shorter. Steer clear from putting your ankles on display.

As for shoes, a nice pair of brogues or derby shoes never go astray, especially if you’re heading out for a day at the races.

We pause for our now traditional Post-Corona Adaptation intermission. Taking a break with some visual dessert before heading into part two on our Post-Corona trip.

Alina Ali for Penthouse

We are actively looking for the answer to that online shop for Penthouse Merchandise question, though. Somebody around here ought to know something it seems like.

In the meantime, we shall continue with our survival-critical look into lifestyle excellence.

Post-Corona Adaptation Smooth Moves

They say it’s better to give than to receive, but those who make the effort to give, often receive.

Buying lingerie for a lover can be a minefield. Too small and she’ll be embarrassed. Too big and you’ll be in the doghouse for a week. When buying for a new lover, follow these basic tips and you’ll stay in the good books.

  • Never buy lingerie for a woman you haven’t seen naked. On your first shopping trip, buy what you know she wears. If you’ve never
    seen her in a G-string, pick a sexy brief.
  • Choose something you think she would actually want to wear. Don’t be directed by your own fantasies for your first gift. The idea is that
    you make her feel desirable, so she will want to wear it for you and keep the lights on.
  • Lingerie is a great way to guarantee foreplay. If she feels comfortable in what you bought her, it usually brings out the exhibitionist in the wearer.
  • Check out lingerie that can be worn comfortably and incognito under clothing. Choose pieces like this, and she might surprise you in unexpected places. After-work drinks might get heated when she shows you a slip of lace.
  • Avoid bulky and costumey outfits — save them for the bedroom.
  • If you get it right the first time, you can open dialogue about what type of lingerie she likes to wear and discuss what type of looks you would love to see her in.

When in doubt, a gift certificate is always the best bet. [Not to beat on the obvious here, but give some thought to the vendor if you decide to go in this truly boring, grandma-like direction. A gift certificate to a cruise line or Weight Watchers may not be the best idea right now, for example. -Ed.]

Post-Corona Adaptation Reflections

We always consider historical perspective relevant, perhaps never moreso than in the midst of a global pandemic of which we have not seen the likes in over a century. Consequently, we decided to remaster some visual history of Penthouse itself. Also, we really like Kenna James.

For the record, we have absolutely zero idea why they skipped the entire 1970s when creating this series. Moreover, no one still working here has any idea why/how this happened. Near as we can tell, a former executive experience a horrible emotional tragedy in the 1970s, and she mandated that we all pretend that decade never existed. That could be untrue, however.

Penthouse Post-Corona Emergence

Posted on by Team Penthouse

The Lockdown Glow Up

As we begin our Post-Corona Emergence trek and begin anticipating a return to some kind of new normality (and lockdown laws relax), it’s time to have a look in the mirror and see if your head and face could do with a touch of TLC. You may also want to lose a bit of that lockdown flab in time for a day on the beach, especially if you’re looking to grab a certain kind of attention.

A new look is a great way to give yourself a morale boost. It can be as small or as big as you like, but it has to have a positive impact on your appearance and add a bit of swagger to your step. Maybe you want to grow your beard out, or lose the beard altogether for a ‘stache? Maybe you want to go for a short back and sides or get a high fade. Either way, these things should be carefully considered for maximum effect.

Hair

You’re bound to have a great day when your hair is looking good. If your hair product isn’t doing exactly what you need for the style you like, it’s time to explore new options. Everyone’s hair is different, so finding the right hair product can take a bit of trial and error. The main things to consider are the hold and the finish. If you shop online, read the product descriptions and feel free to email the store with any questions you have. Your hair and face need to work together to bring some perspective to your appearance. You might have a small forehead or a round face that isn’t going to work with certain hairstyles. Likewise, if you have a long beard and a super high pompadour but you’re a bit of a shortie, your head is going to appear a lot larger than it actually is. Striking the right balance is important from the off.

A good barber or hairdresser is always going to look at what type of hair you have and your head shape when discussing a cut. If you have a few ideas, it’s always best to have a little consultation with them first as they are usually right when it comes to what will and won’t work. Remember, the more you say, the easier their job becomes, so it’s a win-win situation.

Skin

It’s encouraging to see men taking a real vested interest in caring for their skin. Skin care is certainly not just for the ladies; we all have a face and we all feel good when it’s looking its best. Keep things simple by cleansing and moisturizing daily with a once-a-week exfoliation.

From protecting your face from daily pollution to reducing wrinkles, along with promoting an all-round handsome mug, moisturizing daily along with a weekly exfoliation is a new norm for the modern man. A really good face wash for morning and night will also ensure the effects of a hard day’s slog are removed, while retaining essential natural oils that protect your skin. There’s a wide range of skin care products specifically made for men on the market now. Pro tip: the more natural the ingredients, the better the results.

Beard

Whether you’re a bearded gent or prefer a clean shave, we’ve got some simple tips for taming your facial hair. To start, a good beard oil is essential for preventing itchy beards that can fall victim to beardruff. Followed by a beard balm, your beard hairs will be left feeling soft and looking relaxed. When shaving, think about whether you suffer from razor burn regularly. If the answer is yes, you most likely need to consider a safety razor for a closer shave without irritation.

If you’re considering losing your beard altogether and returning to a clean-shaven look, be wary of sensitive skin that hasn’t been introduced to a razor for a wee while. If you do have skin irritations when shaving in general, it’s wise to take as much off as possible with your clippers and finish with a safety razor. A good cut-throat shave at your barbershop is even better, as it is refreshing, enjoyable and leaves your skin blemish-free.

The Package

By exploring new products, reading labels and asking questions in stores and barber shops, you’ll begin to figure out exactly what works for you. Forge good daily habits by taking the time to implement a simple grooming routine that leaves you feeling and looking sharp every day. Life is a game of confidence, so stay ahead by using the right tools.

We pause for a Post-Corona Emergence intermission worthy of consideration before continuing with part two on Post-Corona Emergence.

Penthouse Pet LaSirena69 Pet of the Month LaSirena69 … Oh! And a Mercedes SLS AMG 2020

Post-Corona Emergence Like Lenny

Dom Perignon & YSL revere the great Lenny Kravitz, and we salute the rock star. The lord of leather is a style icon who has a very simple style recipe.

A Liberal Dose of Cool

Sir Lenny is literally an image of cool, from his trendy locks to his rock ’n’ roll swagger—something that has made the French, in particular, eager to have him as the face of some of their biggest brands. But what exactly does it take to be seen as an icon in a country that has haute couture at its beating heart?

Add One Serving of Leather

Leather needs to be worn right, otherwise it can all go horribly wrong. Kravitz is often pictured on the red carpets keeping his leather combinations strictly black, from his skintight pants to sleek jackets, usually backed up with a pair of dazzling leather boots with a chunky heel.

Add One Serving of Denim

In many ways, Mr. Kravitz is a throwback to a mythical type of U.S. rock star from a bygone era. He does this by combining classic light blue denim ensembles that include everything from sleeveless shirts that expose his classy tats, to outlandish bell-bottoms that only he seems able to pull off.

A Smattering of Jewels

Nothing quite says free spirit like a carefully selected splattering of bracelets, chains, emerald-green rings and a few piercings! Now this can, and often does, go horribly wrong for most people, but again Kravitz keeps it just the right side of cool—enough to make you want to head out and get jeweled up. Problem is most of us end up looking more Mr. T than Mr. K!

A Heaped Tablespoon of Zero Fucks Given

Stir gently. [Seems odd. Here we thought “shaken, and not stirred” represented the height of sophistication. -Ed.]

Post-Corona Emergence Reflections

We always consider historical perspective relevant, perhaps never moreso than in the midst of a global pandemic of which we have not seen the likes in over a century. Consequently, we decided to remaster some visual history of Penthouse itself. Also, we really like Kenna James.

Video Game Sex

Posted on by Team Penthouse

The Struggles of Video Game Sex

Even as video games become more visceral in their display of violence, little to no effort has been paid to the presentation of sexuality — a topic that remains taboo, at least in the mainstream. It would be as if cinema offered only movies like Saving Private Ryan and No Country for Old Men, but nothing to the likes of Risky Business or Fifty Shades of Grey.

Video games have come far, but there is farther still for them to go. And the only games to push the boundaries (in terms of sex) are independent titles on Steam and a handful of visual novels out of Japan.

So why is that? What is it about sexuality that makes mainstream developers avoid the topic entirely?

As an entertainment medium, video games are just that — they’re games. Like board games and sports, they’re rooted in winning and losing and the accumulation of some form of high score. You can’t “win” or “lose” at sex, and the idea of distilling sexuality down into a game with points would make the whole exercise pornographic — and pornography just doesn’t sit well with publishers and mainstream platforms. After all, you’re not going to find a Rocco Siffredi movie on Netflix, much less at a movie theater. Video Game Sex simply suffers from being painted with that overly-broad brush.

Beyond that, porn games have always existed, so that isn’t the issue. The issue is that games just don’t approach sexuality in the same way they do violence — for the very same reason that games often struggle with storytelling.

Video games are not a storytelling medium, but they can be, just as games like L.A. Noire and Detroit: Become Human have shown. But even with those titles, there just isn’t sex in there, and the reason for that is simple: sex scenes, especially interactive ones, are hard (pardon the pun) to properly depict.

Should they be interactive or passive? You could make a quick-time event out of it like Dance Dance Revolution, and have players mash the necessary buttons to coincide with what’s happening onscreen, but players might as well be watching a cutscene. Plus, that’d be kind of weird.

But even if you have all of that figured out, it doesn’t even get into the creation of a video game sex scene.

First, you need to performance-capture the actors. A pair (or more) of people have to be willing to get down and simulate sex. Given that most actors have an unwillingness to even strip down for the camera, game developers are going to be hard-pressed to find ones willing to simulate full sexual intercourse. [Yeah, that’s simply not true. We know hundreds of willing people. -Ed.]

And second, the sex would have to fit the scope of the game’s story. This can, of course, be done. But in the times it’s been tried — in Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and most recently in The Last of Us Part II, the results have been nothing short of cringe-inducing, even to the point where gamers have been taking scenes from the game out of context and turning it into Twitter memes. But for all the mockery The Last of Us Part II has been getting for its sex scenes, it still deserves credit for the attempt.

In summation, you won’t find a lot of sex in video games not simply because it’s taboo, but because — for the most part — it doesn’t fit into the scope of the game, and the effort to insert sex scenes into the narrative ends up detracting from it in some way.

But much like sex (and playing video games), the more you do it, the better you get at it — and game developers could stand to figure out how to make these interactive experiences just as good as they are at depicting violence and death, if only they’d stop being so damn shy about it.

Should one have more immediate goals in mind that perhaps a video game might provide, one might eschew video game sex entirely in favor of some online role-playing of an entirely different nature. Also, should any game developers honestly wish to find some copulating-friendly couples, we’d be happy to send them a list. Oh, and for the record, Risky Business has absolutely no association at all with Risqué Business, but there certainly appears some homage at play there.

Sexability Rating

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Are We Headed to a Sexability Rating?

In Australia’s case it’s COVIDSafe, whereas the French have StopCovid. In India it’s Aarogya Setu, the Italians have Immuni and even our friends in North Macedonia got in on the act, with cool-sounding rejected high school band name StopKorona!

It took about five minutes for most concerned citizens to say, hold on, aren’t these just surveillance bots designed to track our every move and find out who we’re conspiring with? “No,” came the cry, “we would never! We’ll take care of your data and promise not to share it with the FBI, Facebook or your local nightclub bouncer, honest!”

As of June 1, 2020, 6.13 million Australians had downloaded COVIDSafe. With a population of roughly 25 million, 80 percent of whom own smartphones, that’s about a 30 percent uptake.

Obviously, there were technical issues — the bloody thing didn’t work very well, especially on older iPhones, Bluetooth had to be switched on while you were out and about, and the app had to be running in the foreground. Not to mention the inconvenient modeling conducted by the University of Oxford, which showed 80 percent of smartphone users would have to be using the app for it to be remotely effective in curtailing viral spread.

China’s COVID app openly mines all sorts of data from its citizens, who must swipe their phones to enter offices, restaurants, parks and malls. Their travel history and retail purchases are tracked, so rulebreakers can be identified and bundled into the back of a Hi-Ace. A green light upon swiping means you’re in good health. Yellow is uh-oh, best hightail it back to the bachelor pad. Red results in the aforementioned police van abruptly turning up and a subsequent bop on the noggin. Goodnight, sweet prince.

With rumors abounding of tracing apps being repurposed to log and track other health issues, you have to worry how far Big Brother is willing to go in order to control our every thought, product choice and questionable sexual decision. Got a sniffle? Yellow light. Bought a non-fair-trade cappuccino? Yellow light. Urinary tract infection after a boozy night out in the city? Red light, red light!

In Gary Shteyngart’s 2010 book Super Sad True Love Story, characters in near-future U.S.A. (in debt to China, run by mad President Cortez) carry an apparat, a phone-like device that projects a hologram over their head at all times. This number, from one to eight hundred, is the individual’s fuckability rating, worked out from their general hotness, sexual health, income bracket, style and purchasing history.

Is this where we’re headed? Sexability Rating? Tinder and COVIDSafe joining forces to launch GONADSafe? Why risk touching anyone’s unmentionables before they’ve been exhaustively analyzed, cleansed and rubber-stamped by the government? How about a dating app that reveals specific details about a user’s sexual history, including names and numbers of everyone they’ve ever bumped, STDs, penis sizes, and pubic hairstyle choices?

In the post-corona world, where hygiene practices have turned everyone paranoid and populations have been convinced that surveillance apps are necessary in order to keep everyone safe (rat on your friends and receive frequent flyer points!) only those who are beautiful, government-sanctioned sanitized and wealthy will get laid. For the rest of us, it will be a succession of red flashing lights and Chaturbate marathons. Boomer flu will be the least of our problems.

As you may have figured out, this editorial arrived courtesy of our friends in Australia. Across the world in the U.S. we would of course suggest you consider PenthouseCams rather than that (wholly acceptable, yet not nearly as fun) competitive cam alternative. This one we can vouch for, after all. … Should you simply be one of those folks always searching for interesting phone apps, we can help there too. We’re a helpful bunch, overall.

Sexability Rating YES for Divora