Brees Creates a Storm

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Drew Brees

The 42-year-old New Orleans Saints quarterback, who started his career with the San Diego Chargers, announced on Instagram that he would retire after an epic 20 seasons.

Brees posted, “After 20 years as a player in the NFL and 15 years as a Saint, it is time I retire from the game of football. Each day, I poured my heart and soul into being your quarterback. ‘Til the very end, I exhausted myself to give everything I had to the Saints organization, my team and the great city of New Orleans. We shared some amazing moments together, many of which are emblazoned in our hearts and minds and will forever be a part of us.

“You have molded me, strengthened me, inspired me and given me a lifetime of memories. My goal for the last 15 years was striving to give to you everything you had given to me and more. I am only retiring from playing football; I am not retiring from New Orleans. This is not goodbye, rather a new beginning. Now my real life’s work begins!”

Fellow NFL quarterback Tom Brady said, “Congrats, my friend, on an incredible career. Thank you for the inspiration and dedication on and off the field! Look forward to seeing what’s next.”

What’s next for Brees, to start, will be a broadcasting job with NBC Sunday Night Football. Though he’s leaving the field, Brees also leaves behind plenty of career accomplishments worth cheering about.

We could start by praising him for being the NFL’s all-time leader in career passing yards at 80,358.

We could then congratulate him on ranking second all-time in touchdown passes at 571, with a completion percentage of 67.7 percent. It’s worth noting when it comes to that stat, he’s second only to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Brady.

Bear in mind, his is also a story of triumph. Brees had a successful football career at Purdue University, but he wasn’t widely recruited by NFL teams because he wasn’t considered tall enough by typical quarterback standards — even though he stands at six feet.

At one point, he was off the field with a shoulder injury that was so bad his entire NFL future was in doubt. But, like all of the most inspirational winners, he refused to give up. He persisted, trained hard and never lost his focus, going on to completely rewrite the NFL record books.

He leaves the game having successfully become one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.

And, most of all, he won hearts after his 2006 arrival in the Big Easy when he helped revive the Saints franchise — and the city of New Orleans — in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. [While this article came via our wonderful friends at Australian Penthouse, we really do need to step in here and point out that in all their faithful research, they sorta forgot to mention that Mr. Brees also won a SUPER BOWL for the city (XLIV) — once taunted as “The Aints” around the NFL. Yeah, we know: details, details… -Ed.]

Brees’ name is now synonymous with establishing a winning culture — and he’ll forever be remembered for all he’s done for his team and his community. [Stepping in again. Sorry. Australia is a long way away from New Orleans, so we understand how they might be unaware, but a big part of what Drew Brees has done for the community was the formation of The Brees Dream Foundation using his own name as the URL. Heck, that might be even more important than 80,358 passing yards. Who can say? We did feel it significant to mention, however. -Ed.]

On a more pure sports note, and at the risk of subjecting you to the overwhelming advertisement, popup, visually-assualting hell that is the modern “major company” website, CBS Sports did in fact run an excellent article on some of the most extraordinary sports aspects of the career of this once cast off hero. Just try to focus on the words; that would be our advice.

As a post-footnote thought, however, we do have one final reflection. Don’t you wonder if when Brees walked into the Saints building for the last time to announce his retirement he said, “Well now, just call me the breeze; I keep blowing down the road?” … For the record, a slight possiblity exists that we wonder different things than most people around here.

Formosus Morto

Posted on by Team Penthouse

The Cadaver Synod

Whatever one’s views on the virtues or otherwise of the modern Roman Catholic Church, it can’t be denied that today’s breed of popes are a fairly well-behaved bunch. Popes, by and large, act in the way in which popes are expected to act. But it was not always thus: For quite a large chunk of the church’s history, it seemed as if popes were selected exclusively from the ranks of humanity’s most dedicated and energetic scoundrels, cheats, thieves, fornicators and murderers. Indeed, it was often their talents for corruption and violence that won them the papacy in the first place — and once in, they weren’t shy about deploying every dirty trick at their disposal to stay there. It was in this atmosphere, in the late ninth century, that the church hit a real high point, when one pope had the corpse of another one dug up so he could put it on trial, in what became known as the Cadaver Synod.

Between the years 872 and 965, more than two dozen popes came to power — and more often than not, left again with all possible speed. The jockeying for the top job resembled a roller derby, and it was in this fevered climate that Pope Formosus grabbed the big chair, amid accusations he had attempted to undermine his predecessor and execute a coup. He was also accused of dodgy dealings when he was a bishop — fortunately, today, the idea of a bishop behaving immorally is unthinkable, but back then it was quite common.

Part of a pope’s job in the Dark Ages was political intrigue, and Formosus participated enthusiastically, inviting Duke Arnulf of Carinthia to invade Italy and crowning him Holy Roman Emperor — a much coveted title that nobody ever quite understood. Such actions made Formosus plenty of enemies, all of whom were pretty pleased when, five years into his reign, Formosus Poped his clogs in 896.

Formosus was succeeded by Pope Boniface VI, who disappointed his many fans by dying about two weeks later. Boniface was succeeded by Stephen VI, who decided his first order of business would be to make clear to everyone that Formosus’s shenanigans would not be tolerated. In January 897, seven months after Formosus’s death, Stephen VI had the ex-pope exhumed and brought to the papal court for judgment.

The body of Formosus was propped up on a throne, and everyone did their best to ignore the smell, which must have been pretty overwhelming, even for a historical period known for its utter lack of hygiene. The man was in no condition to answer questions, of course, so a deacon was appointed to answer for him, and, to make his job easier, given the answers beforehand. After a series of questions from Stephen, such as “When you were bishop of Porto, why did you usurp the universal Roman See in such a spirit of ambition?” — which left the corpse embarrassingly flummoxed. Formosus was pronounced guilty, a verdict which most neutral observers agreed was entirely fair. He was stripped of his vestments, all of his acts and ordinations were declared invalidated, and the fingers of his right hand that he had used for blessings were cut off before the much abused body was thrown in the River Tiber.

Incredibly, after the Cadaver Synod, Pope Stephen found his decision to dig up a dead body and put it on trial led to a dip in his popularity, especially after Formosus washed up on the riverbank and, according to witnesses, began to perform miracles. Stephen was deposed, imprisoned and strangled by year’s end, maintaining the continuous action of the Vatican’s revolving door.

In December 897, Pope Theodore II annulled the Cadaver Synod and ordered Formosus be reburied in Saint Peter’s Basilica. Later, Pope John IX convened a synod which prohibited trials of corpses, thus dashing hopes that Catholicism would stay this entertaining forever. But history buffs will forever have the Cadaver Synod to hold on to: a reminder not only of a time when the most powerful men in the world thought cross-examining corpses was a reasonable use of their time, but of the fact that history, by and large, is much more insane than most people think.

Not that we’re saying you should ever take the “word” of any exhaulted religious leader without a healthy dose of salt. Understanding that, you may consider the New Advent version of Formosus’ history. Just remember that salt itself has an austere Biblical history, should religious research become your lot.

Finis.

Treasure the Erotic

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Erotic Treasure

Colin Burn redefined the meaning of high-end sex toys when he made headlines in 2018 after creating the world’s most expensive adult plaything: a $1.8 million platinum vibrator encrusted with 2,000 flush-set diamonds and topped with royal-blue sapphires and rare pink diamonds.

Throughout his three-decade career as a fine art jeweler, Burn’s work has received accolades from the Australian and Japanese governments, as well as leading Australian sporting groups, which has helped him forge a successful career. We spoke to Burn about the impetus behind his art, his unique online museum — Treasure the Erotic — and essentially, how an apprentice electroplater from Perth, Australia, came to design some of the world’s most opulent and aspirational sex toys.

What inspired you to become a jeweler?

My career commenced in Perth as an apprentice electroplater, [utilizing] the science of coating base metals with protective metals like chrome, silver or gold. After graduating, I moved to Sydney and worked for a silverware-making company owned by the renowned Australian jewelers Angus & Coote. Working at the factory inspired me to advance my precious metalworking skills into fine jewelery making. I moved back to Perth and commenced experimenting with the idea of coating natural elements with precious metals. This process is a difficult science that took me two full years of trial and error before inventing my own unique formula to master the technique. This inspired me to start my first jewelery company, “Kristen Leigh,” in 1985 (named after my daughter, who was born that year). The unique jewelery I was creating was made from real flowers and leaves that I would coat in pure gold and often set with precious gems.

How did you transition from creating commercial jewelery to designing diamond-studded sex toys?

Over the years, my commercial work became well-recognized and used as national gifts by the Australian government, which led to interest from the Japanese government. In 1993, I was selected by JETRO — a Japanese government organization that assists trade between countries — and taken to Japan to participate in their prestigious Export to Japan Study Program. This limited and hand-selected program commenced a lifelong love affair with Japan and further inspired me to create a wider variety of fine jewelery for the Japanese market. In 1997, I moved to Broome, setting up a retail jewelery store, and continued to create jewelery for my Japanese clients using Broome South Sea pearls. In 2004 after a cheeky dinner conversation with friends, I hatched the idea of making a luxury gold vibrator. Always up for a creative challenge, I set about making the first prototype, which quickly led to a full-fledged business concept of creating luxury adult products for the Japanese market.

What is the symbolism of using octopuses juxtaposed with nudity in your work?

This concept came from my time spent in Japan. I became fascinated with the art of Hokusai, perhaps the most famous of Japanese artists. His shunga woodblock print “The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife,” depicting two octopuses making love to a Japanese pearl diver, seemed to have spurred a sexual fantasy culture within Japan called Tentacle Erotica. It seemed prolific in many of the manga magazines and in erotic Japanese movies. This concept inspired me to create my gold, pearl and diamond sculpture “Hokusai Dreaming” as a depiction of this famous Hokusai print. I wanted to pay homage to this powerful work depicting the sensual culture of the Japanese people, who are deeply connected to the ocean.

Tell us about your Treasure the Erotic site.

Treasure the Erotic is an extravagant and opulent exhibition of symbolic erotic artworks created by myself and Aaron McPolin — having over 50 of the world’s most opulent and expensive erotic artworks, each provoking and challenging the audience to consider how they value and honor their own eroticism.

As artists, we feel in our modern society explicit pornography seems to have claimed the forefront of the sexual narrative, overshadowing eroticism and its important nuances [and] leading to a misunderstanding and often a devaluing of the erotic.

Our Treasure the Erotic museum offers a metaphorical insight into various erotic realms, each emphasizing these nuances of sensuality and eroticism that the viewer may have never encountered or considered to explore. We address these realms through photographic narratives and exquisite jewelery sculptures, each crafted from the finest quality materials, which establish a symbolic distinction of genuine worth that simply cannot be devalued — no matter the individual’s personal opinion or viewpoint toward each object. I think the works are best described as luxury trophies to the erotic, held aloft like ceremonial swords paying homage to various fetishes, taboo ideals and practices of human eroticism.

What inspires you to make high-end artful sex toys?

For me, they exist as symbols of the erotic, more like ceremonial swords rather than a simple tool of pleasure. They are in themselves art, commenting upon society as totems with symbolic significance. Through luxury and art, we value our clothes and our cars, so why not our sexuality? I find it bizarre to think that we do not always place the highest value on our most intimate practice, to be human is to be erotic, to love is to be intimate and vulnerable, to value and trust another. It seems society has evolved to forget past monuments to our fertility, gods of fertility and ritual fertility ceremonies and practices; it’s as if we have somehow lost our way. I see erotic artworks as a testament, a shining light to those who feel lost, to reengage society in the value of their own and one another’s eroticism, rather than shunning sexuality down dark alleyways, behind closed doors, or by denouncement of others who choose to explore what they crave, desire and need to connect with others and themselves.

Have you ever had any pushback or negative feedback over your pieces?

Yes, of course, all artwork is subjective. We find that when discussing the erotic, it often puts a mirror to the viewer. They can accept, confront or dismiss what we are projecting through the artwork, but more often we see a positive reaction to the artwork, once people see past the objectification and more into the symbolism and important narrative that the work denotes. The viewer simply wants to know more. It opens up many questions they may have been unwilling to ask without the artwork opening the door for them to do so. There are also those who are dismissive of the art or derogatory toward it. That’s OK, too. The artwork is there to confront their values, whatever they may be. Usually their reaction is simply an exposure and bringing to light perhaps fixated, stagnant and regressive beliefs and preconceived ideas to shun eroticism, to hide eroticism and also to be ashamed of what we are as people. We encourage everyone to interpret the art in their own way. The artworks are purely martyrs to encourage a dialogue about our eroticism, whatever that may be.

What materials do you have a preference for using, and where do they come from?

My metal of choice is 24 karat yellow gold, and my favorite gem is the Australian South Sea pearl. Of course, in my work I use a multitude of fine materials, including various golds and the

gold is soft and has such beautiful flow with rich color, and the South Sea pearl has such a smooth texture and rich luster. When you incorporate these two materials, it’s pure joy. Both of these elements come from Western Australia, which makes it even more special for me.

Are your pieces functional?

Most of my works have been dildo sculptures, as I find them to be a more organic and historic as art objects and less commercial like a vibrator, which is more a mechanical object. However, for my most luxurious piece — the Pearl Royale — I did decide to make that one a vibrator. In my design concept, the South Sea pearl atop the crown is actually a luxury pearl necklace, with a key attached, and when inserted into the top of the crown, it turns on the vibrator. I thought this was such a cheeky design element as the wearer can have this luxurious pearl necklace and those admiring it would not know its real purpose as a luxury key to pleasure. My works are primarily contemporary art sculptures to the erotic, however I guess they can all be used for erotic purpose should the art buyer feel that way inclined.

Tell us more about the Pearl Royale, your $1.8 million vibrator.

The Pearl Royale is the feature piece in my collection. It’s made from pure platinum and set with over 70 carats of the world’s finest diamonds, sapphires and South Sea pearls. This opulent sculpture I would say best represents the symbolism of treasuring the erotic. When conceiving the art, I wanted to encourage discussion and question society on the value we place on the sexual experience. From my observation, it seemed society could not reconcile such a luxurious item for the act of sex. I was of the mindset if we readily accept genuine luxury into other aspects of our lives, then why not the sexual experience? So, when it came to designing it, I was thinking of pure hedonism. It had to be outlandishly extravagant with a high level of status. I was thinking of kings and queens, so the concept of a royal scepter was my inspiration for the overall design. I wanted to create a piece of jewelery art that could proudly sit alongside the world’s finest crown jewels to ultimately symbolize how we should treasure the erotic!

Treasure the Erotic Visually

You can read much more detail about these pieces of art, so at this point it would be just wrong not to give you an easy way to head off to see Treasure the Erotic on your own. Thus we have done just that. … Spoiler Alert, however! … At least as far as we could tell, nowhere in the descriptions does it mention whether or not any of these are dishwasher safe.

We’re gonna need a bigger piggy bank.

Camster Brunettes

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Camster Brunettes Are on Fire

What is it about dark hair that men find so appealing? Maybe it shows on a woman a depth of mystery — a secretive side to probe? The initial look you get from a Camster Brunette certainly gives off the vibe that with just the right touch, you’ll be able to uncover secrets … many, many secrets. After all, when she reveals her hidden aspects she becomes all the more alluring — all the more powerful, all the more triumphant in her femaleness. Or maybe brown hair is just hot because it reminds us of something else hairy (or not). Who knows? Continue reading “Camster Brunettes”

Luxury Ghosts with Lasers

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Penthouse Highlife — Spring 2021

Think luxury. Think really, really, screw the world I want to play luxury. Then close your eyes.

Scratch that last part. You can’t read with your eyes closed. Our bad. … Still, with all the chaos running rampant … well, everywhere … at the very least we need to keep our brains exercised with goals. One does not need to spend thousands of dollars to be happy, obviously, but the ability to do so can make the journey more pleasant. On that note, then, let us provide you with some fantasy that does not actually involve a beautiful naked woman. (That said, all of these things would be better if enjoyed with a beautiful naked woman. Just sayin’.)

Sound Luxury Advice

Montblanc HeadphonesMontblanc has built a reputation with quality luxury accessories, seamlessly blending form with function. From their outstanding signature fountain pens to their sleek and stylish leather wallets, the German manufacturer’s creations are crafted from the finest materials, making them favored by fans of quality and performance.

Recognizing more people are meeting online rather than face-to-face, Montblanc has heeded the demands of its loyal customer base to create a pair of multifunctional headphones that meet the brand’s high-quality standards.

The Montblanc MB 01 Over-Ear Headphones have literally been designed to redefine your expectations of working and listening. A clever blend of leather cushioning enables all-day comfort that feels natural and light when worn.

Their minimalistic form and colorway also mean they’ll never look out of place, regardless of whether you’re in full work attire or winding down at home. You can take calls, listen to music or simply cancel out the hustle and bustle of the office around you.

A proximity sensor automatically plays and pauses audio when applying or removing the headphones, while you can also manually control music, volume and power. Supreme clarity will have you discovering elements of your favorite songs you never knew existed, while a built-in microphone allows you to drop into a call whenever you need.

Bring out the LASER Luxury

Hisense L5 Laser ProjectorHisense may have started out as a white goods producer in China nearly 70 years ago, but they have transformed into a leader in high-end electronics.

A recent addition to its catalog is the game-changing L5, a pioneering piece of technology that offers perfect 4K, Ultra HD imagery on a 100-inch screen, with the goal to introduce the ultimate cinematic experience to people within their own homes.

A JBL Cinema Sound System provides surround sound quality usually reserved for multiplex theaters, offering a truly immersive experience with everything you watch.

The high-end home cinema also features a dual color laser that sharpens everything you see onscreen, ridding the risk of light dispersion while offering a more natural viewing experience. This means it actually adapts to its surroundings, so you always have the best, sharpest image displayed right in front of you. Moreover, a VIDAA operating system brings it in line with the plethora of Smart TVs that are currently on the market.

Users can also gain instant access to providers such as Netflix and Amazon Prime Video, as well as Vudu, without the need to cast from your phone to an exterior Chromecast or Firestick. Being a market leader in home TV does come at a cost, however. You’ll find the most recent version of the L5 available for $6,999, but all things considered, it might just be a bargain. You will never need to fork out for a trip to the movies again.

INSTA- Inspired Luxury

Alexander KraftIt takes a certain type of person to be the CEO of Sotheby’s International Realty France-Monaco for over 30 years. An individual who knows the value of all things luxury. Berliner Alexander Kraft is that very individual, a man who just may be the most dapper chap on Instagram.

During his journey, studying law in the U.K., U.S. and Germany, Kraft has managed to develop a timeless style that has become the go-to example of the classy modern man.

The proof is all on his Instagram account, where the current Monaco resident regularly posts snaps of himself in all his grandeur at locations reserved exclusively for those who have a bit of money to throw around.

He’s even produced his own collection of impeccably tailored garments under the name Alexander Kraft Monte Carlo, a range of timeless pieces that ooze class and style. From camel hair polo overcoats to stately tweed trousers, it’s made for those who hold only the highest standards.

Ghost with the Most (Luxury)

2021 Rolls Royce GhostThe Latest Unveiling From The World’s Most Renowned Luxury Marque Rolls-Royce is a true architect of the luxury vehicle.

The name is synonymous with luxury, success, fortune and a high-end lifestyle — the royal family of car manufacturing. Since 2010, the Ghost has been one

of their most sought-after models, a car sighted in only the most prestigious global locales.

Rolls-Royce has given the Ghost an upgrade for 2021, with plenty of personalized options to give you your own custom version of this bestseller. First up is an impressive 6.75L V12 – 850NM 563BHP engine that delivers impressive torque with low RPM, helping power and performance go hand in hand.

But its the subtle innovations are what really make this version of the Ghost stand out. Its laser headlights give you up to 600 meters of visual range, twice that of a standard LED. Effortless door opening ensures you will never have to struggle to step out with grace; it’s like a virtual chauffeur at your beck and call.

And if you do just so happen to have a real chauffeur, you can sit back and relax in front of your built-in smart screen for meetings on the go. If you and your partner also require a little on-the-road aperitif, there’s a champagne compartment fully equipped with glasses and a bottle holder.

And what would a Rolls-Royce be without the Spirit of Ecstasy proudly sitting atop the car’s hood? Well, for this 2021 edition, the statuette appears from nowhere once the car is put into drive mode — as graceful as the vehicle it sits upon.

So there you have it, our luxury list of things we simply must have — just as soon as we get a seriously big raise from the (clearly comatose at that point) boss here. Ah, well. Without dreams, what do we have in life really?

Do not be shy about looking for more detail on some of these enhancements to one’s physical station. by all means. Only one of them costs as much as a house in some places — or a carport in Los Angeles. Consider @alexander.kraft and a life well earned. Think about the 4K Experience of The Boys on an 8-ft television screen of your very own. Or do what we do an imagine how many Pets you could get to ride with you in one of these Ghosts of Christmas Every Day. Seriously, why would you ever get out of the car?

VAR for the Loss

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Is Technology Ruining Sports?

For some, the pursuit of perfectionism comes with a need to exert control and an inability to let things go. They may be correct, but it comes across as hairsplitting pettiness. Many English soccer fans would describe the VAR (Video Assistant Referee) as an annoying control freak.

In soccer, a few terrible decisions over the years — or great ones, depending on who you support — have caused huge controversy. The recently deceased Diego Maradona’s Hand of God is arguably the biggest. Frank Lampard’s disallowed goal for England at the 2010 South Africa World Cup is another doozy. Truth is there have been some shocking decisions over the years — but not that many.

And surely not enough to have led to the stop-start culture currently pervading the Premier League? Stilted celebrations and strange decisions — where a last-minute winner leads to an ecstatic reaction on hold, while an accurate decision is made.

The greatest moments in soccer have been those moments — sheer, unbridled, Oh-my-God-ness as the ball hits the back of the net. Imagine Manchester United’s comeback celebrations in the 1999 Champions League Final being paused while they checked the monitor in the last minute. In fact, twice in the last two minutes.

Ruining those moments is surely worse than getting a few decisions wrong?

Belgian soccer star Kevin De Bruyne is arguably the greatest footballer in the world after the Messi/Ronaldo double act. He recently said: “I don’t know the rules anymore, honestly. I’ve been playing professional football for 12 years, and in the first nine years there were no rule changes. Now, there are a lot of rule changes. I don’t know why. Football is a nice game. The people making the rule changes need to be in the game.”

Ex-Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino went further, saying, “I am for technology, but be careful not to change the game and kill the emotion. My worry is we are talking about a machine and not football.”

Bizarrely, the really big decisions that sparked the technological revolution of football are quickly solved. Goal-line technology is pretty seamless; the referee instantly gets a bleep on his phone to say whether the ball has crossed the line and can make a decision. Liverpool’s experienced midfielder James Milner is a fan: “Goal-line technology is incredible. Instant decision. Black and white.”

But he’s not a fan of VAR.

“It’s very hard to use VAR when you’ve still got opinions on the decisions and the atmosphere in football is being ruined,” Milner says.

Especially when the resulting decisions seem worse than the referee’s original. Patrick Bamford’s goal, which was disallowed for Leeds against Crystal Palace, was described by Former Premier League star-turned-pundit Robbie Savage as “the worst decision I’ve ever seen in the history of football.”

Bamford’s hand was judged offside — his fingers deemed ahead of the defender as he pointed where he wanted the ball.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Is Phil Gould happy with the bunker in Australia’s National Rugby League (NRL)?

“They’d check everything if they could. They would check every single play,” he recently said. “The referees’ dream is to play the game on Sunday, finish the game at six o’clock, pack everything up and say ‘we’ll give you the result on Tuesday.’”

The KFC bunker was introduced at a cost of $2 million to “provide NRL review officials with world-class technology and enable them to deliver more accurate, efficient, consistent and transparent decisions.”

In Gould’s words: “They don’t have a clue.”

The NRL bunker has been in operation for four years. In America, the NFL has had instant replay reviews since 1986 — some 34 years — and they’re still trying to get it right. The NFL can review up to 15 different circumstances using instant replay. VAR in England only reviews four.

There’s the rub: The rule was introduced after a big and specific decision that altered a whole season for the New Orleans Saints. A huge mistake, but essentially a one-off.

In cricket, meanwhile, they love technology. Hot Spot, the Snickometer and Hawk-Eye have arguably added to the enjoyment of the game, not detracted from it. But then it’s ultimately a slower paced game; you watch for seven hours in the sun with a beer and a pie, studying the game in a leisurely, almost scientific way. The players stop for tea breaks, for God’s sake. Hot Spot and Hawk-Eye notch the drama up, rather than take it down.

Tennis is similar. Hawk-Eye’s been around for line calls and player challenges since 2004 after some shocking calls against Serena Williams in a U.S. Open quarterfinals clash she lost to Jennifer Capriati. The United States Tennis Association actually called Williams after the match to apologize. Again, tennis is slower and compartmentalized — technology acts seamlessly with the game and builds tension, rather than sucking out the emotion.

With VAR, Maradona’s Hand of God goal against England at the 1986 World Cup wouldn’t have stood. If that had been the case, the Argentine athlete might not have scored the Goal of the Century four minutes later. He might not have gone on to lift the World Cup that year. How the referee didn’t see him punch the ball in the net still amazes. But he didn’t. And we’ve all learned to live with it.

That moment has become legendary because the decision was bad and wasn’t overturned.

If not sport as a whole, VAR is certainly sucking the life out of football games. Maybe the next evolution will be to re-referee past games using technology and reverse the results based on correct decision-making? Maradona would turn in his grave.

But do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Granted there might be a few reading this mentally voicing the argument, that Rob here more accurately speaks about “soccer” while “football” more accurately describes a purely American sport. Hey, they do call it the National Football League, after all, so that must settle the argument, right? Of course this narrow argument sort of just ignores the 3.5 billion “soccer” fans worldwide in favor of the 400 million NFL fans on the globe, but this hardly qualifies as the first time American policy rationale comes down to a “because we said so” argument. So we’ll just skip over that and point you to a thorough, albeit self-serving, analysis of Instant Replay for all those people in the VAR countries to read should they choose. Fair warning: It will say “football” a lot on those pages. They keep using that word. We do not think it means what they think it means.

Positions to Avoid Boring Sex

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Keep It Fresh

[You may also need a chiropractor with these positions — which does add to the unforgettable aspect certainly — but for the most part we will leave the descriptions with the magazine experts. You will note our ever-so-helpful editorial notes in bracket. Because brackets make things official and full of really important stuff.]

The Eiffel Tower

The Eiffel Tower, also known as a reimagined Spit Roast, marks the only time it’s ever appropriate to high-five during sex. The concept is simple: One person is on all fours, receiving one partner from behind, while performing oral on the other person. The two outside partners then gleefully high-five and “oui oui!” each other, bringing the iconic Eiffel Tower position to life. This trés underrated ménage à trois is a sexual (French) revolution. No matter what role you fulfill in the architectural erotic wonder that is The Eiffel Tower, you’re guaranteed to have a beret good time. Bon voyage and high-five! [One caveat here: Should the person on all fours actually hear this high-five, odds are even on whether or not this person will bite down in anger. Might be wise to go for the other end, should this really sound like a good idea to you.]

The Helicopter

The concept of international travel and boarding a real-life plane might feel like an explicit fantasy right now, but don’t fret; there’s another way you can join the Mile-High Club. Yoga and CrossFit become one to create this extremely intimidating, expert-level sex position known as The Helicopter. To achieve The Helicopter, the woman must prop herself up on her back with her legs over her head before the man inserts his erection and planks on top of her. To initiate “liftoff,” and this is where the magic comes in, he starts propelling around in complete circles while remaining inserted. Warning: You’re both going to want to be fit and strong to complete this sex position or else one of you might end up with an airline fracture. [While the “injector” might receive sufficient lubrication in this position — maybe — the other skin parts twirling on top of each other will soon provide an excellent reminder as to what friction does out in the real world. Hey, maybe you’ll be sweaty enough for it not to matter. You’ll almost certainly be drunk enough for it not to matter until tomorrow at least.]

The Spider

If you have ever fantasized about being a helpless fly trapped in a spiderweb at the mercy of an insatiable female arachnid, then this position is for you. Despite its name, The Spider isn’t actually as spooky as it sounds, but it does involve lets a lot. To achieve The Spider, the couple starts by facing each other, both in a seated position. The man then penetrates the woman, and they both recline back. The couple then begin to wiggle, gyrate, thrust and grind against each other, mimicking a spider wrestling and wrapping up her prey. Perfect for newlywebs. [This position will be perfect for when you really want to screw, but you just can’t stand looking at the other person, even a little bit. At all.]

The Wheelbarrow

The Wheelbarrow isn’t your garden-variety sex position. An interesting alternative for doggy-style lovers, this position essentially involves the woman being turned into a human wheelbarrow. It looks pretty kooky, but it’s actually pretty spot-on for internal stimulation and hitting angles you wouldn’t normally hit. A little core strength goes a long way — channel your inner dexterity. You’re going to want to have a basic level of athleticism and not skip arm day for this one — stability is key! — otherwise you’ll end up with a wonky wheelbarrow. If you think The Wheelbarrow is kinky, you are certainly not ready to hear about The Mower. Meet me behind the garden shed in five? [Right. This will be perfect because the only way to make sex more fun would be to try and balance in pushup position while the guy behind you tries to hang on to your legs, thrusts, all while trying not to pile-drive your head into the ground … or the wall … or the furniture.]

At this point the magazine article drops out, probably because they ran out of space on the page more than any fears regarding our ability to comprehend “The Mower” position. That said, all of that sounded like way to much work to try and have fun. As illustration of our point, we offer Sky Wonderland, who happens to be the Penthouse Pet of the Month for July 2021 coincidentally enough. As you can clearly see, set up correctly, one has no use for a lawn mower with Sky.

No Lawnmower Needed with Sky Wonderland

By the way, should you really, really feel the need to spice things up because pulsing genitals just don’t get you going anymore, you might try the historically proven Tantric Techniques. Be warned, however: These are not for the faint of heart — or anyone in a hurry.

Our Retro Eighties Fourth

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Technically we should explain that this opening comes from an article in a recent issue about how Penthouse has shown up in various movies and tv shows over the years. Since the social media promo they put together for the 4th of July this year also has a retro feel, we decided to just put them together for you. Naturally we start with the moving pictures, but when you get on to the ‘80s article, remember that intro. Or not. That’s the beauty of Retro: You do not have to experience it all in a linear fashion as you did the first time around.

Back to the ‘80s

The magazine’s raunchier-than-Playboy full-frontal content, bawdy humor and balls-to-the-wall journalism made its stamp on society and ensured that by the ’70s, Penthouse was on its way to becoming a household name. But by the ‘80s, Penthouse was firmly ingrained in pop culture.

Everyone was talking about Penthouse.

It might have had something to do with The Gooch’s ballsy approach to publishing, and the fact that during the ‘80s, Penthouse printed the unauthorized nudes of Madonna and a reigning Miss America — Vanessa Williams — and featured the likes of Debbie Harry and a controversial shoot with porn star Traci Lords.

As a result, Penthouse was referenced in a lot of movies that came out during the ‘80s.

One of these films was the 1984 fishy fairy tale Splash, an unlikely love story between land dweller Allen Bauer (Tom Hanks) and a hot blonde mythical mermaid (Daryl Hannah). In the film, Allen’s cringeworthy brother, Freddie (John Candy), rocks up in his red sports car at the family business with a stack of Penthouse magazines. Freddie brags the mag ran the erotic story he wrote before handing out the issues to his colleagues and customers, who read them right there in public. In another scene, Allen is overwhelmed by a mob of reporters, and Freddie asks, “Is anyone here from Penthouse magazine?” When the reporters say “no,” he responds, “Then we ain’t talkin’.”

Then there’s the 1989 American comedy Troop Beverly Hills, directed by Jeff Kanew, in which a scout troop visits a retirement home to help the elderly in pursuit of a Wilderness Girls patch. The girls offer a resident a few different magazines, which he declines, before they randomly produce a Penthouse, which he gladly accepts and immediately flips open to the topless centerfold before the shot cuts.

We see another Penthouse centerfold in Christmas Evil, a 1980 horror-thriller about a middle-aged toy factory worker named Harry Stadling (Brandon Maggart), who is obsessed with Christmas and goes on a Yuletide killing spree while dressed as Santa Claus. In one scene, Harry is peering into the window of a boy’s bedroom to determine whether he’s been naughty or nice — only to catch the kid cutting out a bare-breasted centerfold image from the glossy pages of Penthouse. That triggers a flashback to when young Harry watched Santa Claus go down on his mother in 1948.

In the 1988 Ozploitation thriller Vicious!, a rich young guy — who has just graduated high school and seems to have a promising future ahead of him — turns into a ruthless killer when he falls in with a gang of misfits. There’s a strange scene in which he’s idly flicking through an Australian Penthouse when a trio of hooligan robbers come calling.

In 2019, Penthouse even got a mention in the popular supernatural ‘80s-throwback Netflix series Stranger Things. In season three’s third episode — “The Case of the Missing Lifeguard” — Max and Eleven raid teen heartthrob Billy’s bedroom and discover a bunch of genuine ‘80s editions of Penthouse magazine stashed in his drawers.

Although The Gooch and the ‘80s are behind us, Penthouse continues to thrive. Grab your popcorn.

Granted, you might be headed out to watch things explode leaving trails of pretty lights in the sky. Naturally this might cause you to spill your popcorn, so you might wait to get back home for that. Should you decide to look up that singular episode of Stranger Things, however, we have unearthed an old page — not ‘80s, sorry — here on the site which might give you a step up in your viewership. Gotta love vintage, regardless of the era, y’know at least if it includes beautiful women.

Oh! We did find some excellent pictures of a vintage trailer on vintage fake turf to show off too. Sadly Sky Wonderland (Penthouse Pet, July 2021) and Cherie Noel (Penthouse Pet, August 2021) kept getting in the way of the shots. Sorry about that.

Pierre Schmidt

Posted on by Team Penthouse

The Sexual Psyche of Pierre Schmidt

Pierre Schmidt, more commonly known as drømsjel, is a digital collage artist and illustrator, living and working in Berlin. Viewing his work feels like watching vintage porn on acid. Mind-bending psychedelia and erotic imagery combine with graphic illustrations and traditional collage techniques. And like classic surrealistic artists’ creations, Schmidt’s work is always open to the viewer’s interpretation.

Where did the name “drømsjel” come from?

It’s two Norwegian words merged together, meaning “dream soul.”

What draws you to creating surreal and erotic artworks?

Eroticism is not my main objective when creating the works. It’s more about capturing the feeling, the awe one feels in seeing something beautiful or grotesque for the first time — in the world, in a person, in dreams. It’s a feeling I look to capture.

Where does the inspiration for Pierre Schmidt come from?

I am inspired all the time by the past. Vintage publications, such as Penthouse, have always been a great source for inspiration. The color palettes, the grain of the paper at the time the image went to print, the fashion, the lighting. These elements play a huge part in inspiring me to create a new artwork. I would say my main inspiration is the past and the evolution of society. All those dreams of a 1950s man or woman, materializing through the next wave of liberation, and so it goes into the next decade.

As for being inspired by specific people, there are too many to mention. I created a series of works based off Nietzsche’s theories of morality at one time, yet I am equally inspired by musicians, films, documentaries and other artists such as Dalí or David Hockney. There are many of their influences in my works. David Lynch is a great inspiration, then so is Beethoven, Stanley Kubrick, Wes Anderson, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, metal bands such as The Black Dahlia Murder and documentaries by Adam Curtis. I could go on …

Where do you source the images that appear in your collages?

I find them on the internet or scan actual physical copies of vintage publications, magazines, catalogs or scour antique bookstores and flea markets for original photos.

What’s been your favorite image or bank of images find?

I have a huge library of digital images; I couldn’t tell you where one came from the next. I see and store clippings from modern backgrounds used on takeaway menus posted through my letterbox every week, right down to the shape of a petal on a flower from a children’s storybook that could’ve been published in 1935.

What tools do you use to create your pieces?

A computer, the internet, Photoshop, a scanner and a top-dollar printer.

My wife calls my studio setup “Mission Control.” Sadly for her, though, I have not perfected my setup. I could always add on more! As I’m always looking for new technical ways to create and make my workflow more comfortable. Like I said, now with my interest in programming and having the ability to create my own digital brushes, it is something I could and will probably do forever.

What’s your relationship with Instagram like?

It’s been great. Instagram is kind of an invaluable platform to see an artist’s works. I mean, nobody can just jump on a plane to Japan at the drop of a hat and walk into a gallery to see works by an artist they’ve heard is putting on a great show. Instagram is an accessible 24/7 gallery. I love that.

You have more than 150,000 followers on Instagram. Has it been a steady climb or was there a moment it spiked?

It’s always been gradual, but there were a few points where it did explode. I manage my account myself, reply myself and say hi myself. There’s no magic behind it for me in gaining followers, but having people like Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips, Miley Cyrus, members of the Gorillaz and Lady Gaga having shared or liked my works has helped hugely. Once they did that then, yeah, my phone was buzzing for days!

What was it like being asked to create the promotional artwork for Lady Gaga’s 2017 Netflix documentary Five Foot Two?

Crazy. I’m really proud they chose me to produce the artwork. The filmmaker and director, Chris Moukarbel, contacted me directly on Instagram and had chosen me specifically to create the cover and promo work. This was unusual for Netflix to say yes to, as they have great talent there, so I was really thrilled to be working with them, too.

It was a dream gig. The director is such a great guy, hugely talented. He had a vision but gave me space and trusted me to do what I do. Netflix was amazing and hugely supportive throughout the process, also. Lady Gaga, her manager, her team who shot the image I worked with, were all just really positive, easy to discuss creative processes with and were all thrilled with the outcome. Seeing my artwork blazed across a billboard on Sunset Boulevard and in Times Square was surreal as fuck. Clicking on Netflix and watching the documentary for the first time was really emotional, too.

Is art a full-time gig for you now?

Yeah, it is now. But three years ago — in fact, just before the Lady Gaga job — I was also washing pots in a restaurant to get by. When my co-workers saw my artworks for the first time they were like “Why are you here?”

I’ve also been a bicycle repairman, post office sorter and a graphic designer in an ad agency. I liked washing pots the most. But I don’t make art for money. I make art because, well, I couldn’t stop if I tried.

Who would your dream client be?

My dream client would be the Berlin Symphony Orchestra and creating artworks for the Beethoven anniversary concert celebrations. They’ve been postponed until next year. So you know, I’m just throwing it out there in case someone over there is reading Penthouse.

What are you working on right now?

I’m reworking/upgrading artworks to higher resolutions for my store and actually in the process of creating some huge custom pieces for a well-known actor. Can’t share who. Can’t share what, but you never know … they might.

Sadly we could not show much of it here, what with the nudity prohibition and all, but as you may have guessed, dromsjel.com will get you where you need to go, should you wish to see more Pierre Schmidt art. We have no one with an art degree handy around here, but clearly faces — and particularly eyes — have some special significance in the Pierre Schmidt world. … Oddly enough, Wikipedia shows a picture of the Lady Gaga image (as of this writing), should you have an interest, and it simply would not do to skip the obligatore Instagram link. (We accidentally do a lot of things we should not do. We endeavor not to do them on purpose.

Adult Fireworks with Cam Girls

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Your Adult Fireworks this Month

Sure we all love fireworks on the 4th of July, but why limit yourself to explosions on just a single day?

Put simply, we have a lot to look forward to this month of July, and we can enjoy our own adult fireworks every day of the month. Remember just a couple of months ago when we were unsure if we’d even be able to celebrate outdoors? This pandemic has fucked us up in so many ways that it seemed like any public holiday was done forever. Now that we’re finally on our way back to freedom, though, we can get out and revel in what’s going down on Independence Day that doesn’t consist of being careful not to breathe. Of course, we still have to be careful. Most places still require masks currently, and even when not an absolute rule, most experts consider it good practice to wear one anyway.

When you make your own adult fireworks at home, though, you definitely do not need a mask. Heck, you don’t even need to wear pants.

Think about this: How many of us are really going outdoors this 4th of July anyway? And what about all the other days in July? Social distancing remains important, because how many of the lying SOBs running around out there can you really trust anyway? We’re not talking about the sniffles here, so once again our Cam Girls have the solution. (Nice how that happens, right?)

Not only that, since we’ve spent the last 16 months accomplishing everything virtually, doing things at home has become a majority of the definition of our modern lives. No one can really say for certain, but it sure seems like this will be with us on a global scale for quite some time, so it never hurts to make some new friends now. Even with the option to go out now available, it might be easier to just hang out indoors. Long live the introverted misfits! We rock!! … Society was way overrated before this whole “anybody out there might kill you” mess anyway.

In fact, say you don’t want to slug the big holiday off inside, but feel cautious about going out, we can help with that. Start your celebration inside with a couple different flavors of Cam Delight. Then while you’re resting, get somewhere safe to watch all the detonating delights outside early in the evening. Then continue the celebration inside with that taste you’d just love to try again! As it turns out, cam girls online are celebrating Independence Day during the entire first week of July, so you have lots to time to prepare your own personal menu of adult fireworks.

You might be surprised at the variety of ways that cam girls are celebrating 4th of July on Camster.com. Perhaps they’ll pop their own fireworks while wearing red, white, and blue lingerie. They might even have some sex toys in the shape of the American flag while pouring popcorn all over their boobs. Ever hear of the Yankee Diddle Butt Plug? Anything can be possible when you have cam girls around you!

We’ve even made it easy to check out some cam girls celebrating adult fireworks online, to at least help get you started on your journey. See what fans have said about their shows that would even make our founding fathers so proud. Then you have the entire rest of the month to test your theories and refine your conclusions about which cam girls make the best wiener companions — purely for scientific reasons, of course.

Anin Lust

Anin Lust

“A very unique girl. Stunning hair and eyes with a smile that can only be described as cute. Her body is heaven with stunning breasts. But her sexiest attribute is her mind. She is the girl next door seductress that lives in your mind and makes you want more.”

Ailsie West

Ailsie West

“So incredibly sexy, mouth to die for. Ass to worship. Get extra tissues, you’ll be a mess.”

Annie Jonnes

Annie Jonnes

“Honestly, if I could give more than five stars, I would; this woman is amazing! Sweet, funny, kind, and she knows how to use that body to bring out the most primal desires in any man!”

Miilla Rousse

Miilla Rousse

“This girl is so hot and sexy and made the BEST private show. I couldn’t believe how great it was. She does everything you ask and is great at getting the right camera angles. I highly recommend you do her private sessions.”

Amy Blair

Amy Blair

“Strip me of my innocence … while the delights of my noble, young body are slowly revealed. Caress my sweet flesh with your eyes and behold my erotic dance. You will long to taste my sweet nectar as we reach the pinnacle of satisfaction together, and as you take me, hear the sweet song of my exquisite fulfillment!”

July looks to be an excellent month for experimentation, so don’t be shy about letting out some of those hidden desires in the long days and short nights. You’ll find plenty of room for scientific experiments and adult fireworks at Camster.com. And science is important, you know. … As always, should you be feeling adventurous, look what happened last month any time you want.

COVID Pause

Posted on by Team Penthouse

Lovin’ the Lollapalooza

The excitement builds. Then it happens! Music blasts through the PA system, and the crowd goes wild.

It’s the moment that keeps me, as a member of the road crew, coming back day after day to do the backbreaking job of setting up all the equipment it takes to put on a show like this huge U.S. music festival. Lollapalooza was the first-ever festival to travel the country. You’d think after working 20-hour days for months on end, the magic would wear off, but no. It’s as strong 30 years later as it was that first time. It’s a bond we share with the performers because it’s our show, too.

Attended by millions of people worldwide, summer festivals like Lollapalooza are the lifeblood of the music industry. The phenomenon started with the Monterey Jazz Festival in 1958, followed by Woodstock in 1969. We now have mega festivals like the Donauinselfest in Vienna, Austria, which attracts more than 3 million attendees, and Rock in Rio, which pulls in hundreds of thousands.

For now, though, these fields lie barren, with no sign of the usual hustle and bustle that starts months before as preparations for these events ramp up.

The year 2020 was the first since the late 1950s that there hasn’t been some form of live music festival.

Enter: COVID Pause

As the seasons change, and as the world braces for a third and even fourth wave of COVID-19, the virus continues to have a devastating effect on the music industry.

Is the industry healthy and strong enough to last another year without these live events? They’re the heartbeat of the industry, the proof of life we’re all looking for. It’s not just the darlings of the industry who rely on the festivals. New and emerging talent also need this opportunity to reach a broader audience, enabling them to climb that elusive ladder to success.

Then there’s another side of the industry that survives with little acknowledgement from the audience but is also reliant on these live events. That’s us, the technical staff, aka the road crew. We work hand in hand with the artists, allowing them to focus on the performance, while we take care of the rest. Whether it’s the front-of-house sound engineer at a stadium-sized venue or the high school friend of a garage band, the crew, as individuals, dedicate our existence to music.

But during COVID Pause, we, as professionals, have fallen through the cracks, with little or no acknowledgement or assistance from governments worldwide.

Over the decades, road crews have taken pride in not being seen.

Now, it’s time for us to stand up and be counted. We’re the first in line to donate our time to endless benefit concerts for different worldwide causes, selflessly working for free when there’s no other means of getting the job done.

We were among the first to pivot so we could help out during the pandemic.

Now, we need to be seen and acknowledged for the work we’ve done so tirelessly.

When the vaccines start to take effect, and the festival season reopens — hopefully by August 2021 — the crews will once again disappear behind the scenes to quietly continue creating that healing moment when a band walks on stage and we all become one. No longer feeling alone in this crisis. Being once again healed by the music.

Over a year ago now Rolling Stone profiled the impact of COVID Pause on the music industry. Sadly, in retrospect the warnings may not have been dire enough.