Good Habits: Weird History

THE Billboard Hot 100 isn’t a perfect metric for listing the biggest songs in America—its measuring criteria are constantly shifting, for instance, making it difficult to compare chart positions over time—but it’s always a fascinating snapshot of certain periods in pop-culture history. And when things get weird, the results are frozen in time for all to see.ake the week of December 7, 1963. Despite the decade, little of what we now think of as “sixties music” had arrived on the charts yet. At this point, the Beach Boys were around, and the Kingsmen’s iconic cover of “Louie Louie” had spiked to No. 4. But the Beatles and the rest of the British Invasion were still months away from crossing the Atlantic. Mostly, it was a simpler time on the Billboard charts, the domain of singers like Chubby Checker and Elvis Presley, whose “Bossa Nova Baby” was still hanging around the charts at No. 29.

But the No. 1 spot in the country? That belonged to “Dominique,” a gentle acoustic sing-along, sung entirely in French, written and performed by a Belgian woman in full habit—Jeannine Deckers, better known across the English-speaking world as The Singing Nun.

Jeanne-Paule Marie Deckers was born in 1933 and grew up in Brussels. After college she joined the Dominican Order and moved into a convent. In her spare time, Deckers was a singer-songwriter, and her musical talents quickly caught the ears of her fellow nuns. Once they realized what she could do, they sent her off to Philips Records to record an album that could be privately used to promote the convent. But when Philips executives heard Deckers’s material, they smelled a commercial hit and offered her a record contract as Soeur Sourire, aka Sister Smile. “Dominique,” an ode to the founder of her order, took off on the European charts in 1962, and was exported to the United States soon afterward.

As improbable a hit as the song might seem today, “Dominique” nonetheless followed what would become a familiar pop trajectory. It rocketed up the Billboard charts, in part due to the comforting feeling of innocence it conjured in the wake of the JFK assassination, and Deckers even came to America to perform it live on The Ed Sullivan Show—once again beating the Beatles to the punch. It was there she received the moniker The Singing Nun, and a few years later Hollywood came calling, adapting her life story into a musical of the same name, starring Debbie Reynolds.

But fame, as always, came at a cost. Deckers felt that her persona was difficult to live up to, and that the Church, which handled much of her career, including her income, was too controlling. “I was never allowed to be depressed,” she said later.

In 1966, she left her convent and started releasing music that was increasingly critical of the Church, including the pro-birth-control song, “Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill.” After the failure of another album (sample song title: “Sister Smile Is Dead”), Deckers returned to Belgium to open a school for children with autism. By the late 1970s, the Belgian government went after her for $63,000 in unpaid taxes, which Deckers claimed ought to be paid by the convent. She briefly returned to music, releasing a disco version of “Dominique” that sounds pretty much how you think it would. Finally, in 1985, struggling with both her finances and her mental health, Deckers and her female roommate committed suicide together. Some later sources, like the 2009 Belgian biopic Sister Smile, argue that the two women were long-time lovers.

As for “Dominique,” it remains one of only a handful of foreign-language songs to ever hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. The song has had a curiously lengthy legacy in American pop culture, too, being referenced in TV shows from The Simpsons to Mad Men to Everybody Loves Raymond. Most recently, “Dominique” was darkly repurposed over the course of the entire season of American Horror Story: Asylum, as a torture device played on an endless loop by a sadistic Catholic nun in the hallways of a mental institution.

It may not be the legacy Deckers had in mind, but given the surprising and tragic arc of her post-Billboard career, that sounds about par for the course.

Image via Getty

The Tinderization of Culture

IF, in the last half decade, you’ve been dumped, or done the dumping, or gotten late-night drunk and decided it was time to explore your options for 15 minutes before becoming overcome by shame, or if you’ve ever been single, or know single people, or if you just, like, have the internet, you know about “the state of dating.” Virtual dating has gone from video personals to three photos on Tinder and a prayer for rain.

Culture is like that, too. Instead of buying records, we stream music on services that plop ads in between our favorite songs. Welcome to our current cultural moment—getting face-fucked by a nonstop stream of information and entertainment.

Famed sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl called this “para-social interaction,” and it’s making America stupid. In 1956, they introduced the concept because TV sets were being bought for most households. People were suddenly “interacting” with strangers for the first time on a national scale. Back then, the friendship was one-sided and completely controlled by the performer.

“There are, of course, ways in which the spectators can make their feelings known to the performers and the technicians who design the programs, but these lie outside the para-social interaction itself,” the sociologists wrote for Psychiatry: Journal for the Study of Interpersonal Processes. “Whoever finds the experience unsatisfying has only the option to withdraw.”

That’s how it used to be, but a lot has changed in the contract between the performer and his or her “friends.” Social media gave the performers unprecedented ability to market themselves to us. It’s also transformed marketing into an activity almost more relevant than the performance itself. Chrissy Teigen hasn’t actually modeled in however long. Emily Ratajkowski is more famous for taking off her clothes on Instagram than she is for taking off her clothes in the “Blurred Lines” video. Alexis Ren…well, you get the idea.

Whether they are models, porn stars, or Star Wars actors, performers are now generating their fame from direct audience interaction. This means that we are now closer than ever to being actual friends with actual celebrities. Rather than reading about them on TMZ after their overdose or reenacting Basic Instinct outside Les Deux, we watch celebrities melt down on Twitter in real time.

This is a problem because it pushes the formerly easy-to-understand para-social interaction into this bizarre gray area where the celebrity creates the illusion of friendship with normal people—well, as “normal” as a person running a stan account can be. It’s also a problem because we are constantly inundated with celebs or wannabe celebs who desperately want our attention. And we give it to them, because we want to be friends with famous people—or at least talk shit to them in a venue in which there’s a chance we’ll be acknowledged.

What’s it like to have a large group of hot people who want to be friends with you, but present very little concrete information about their actual lives? Also, you’ll never meet them in real life and they for sure don’t want to fuck you. Basically, pop culture is now Tinder.

We get cultural information at an unprecedented pace. Rather than one episode a week, Netflix drops a season on us all at once. And in order to stay relevant—and keep getting those sweet-ass likes—there’s huge pressure to have an opinion about everything. But how do you have an opinion about everything when “everything” is infinitely inconsumable and only growing larger by the moment? Simple—swipe right, swipe left. Scarlett Johansson is somehow playing another Asian character? Racist! Swipe left! There’s a whole sitcom that’s fronted by a woman? Feminist! Swipe right!

See how easy that is? We do it all the time about everything. Basically, there isn’t an opportunity to think for more than two seconds about anything. And why would you? Thinking is hard and for nerds.

Of course, the natural next step is to say: Do something. If everything is racist, and everyone is sexist, and apparently every comedian is somehow racist, homophobic, and possibly a pedophile, then there has to be real stakes. Otherwise we’re just pissing in the wind. So, we get these massive campaigns targeting whoever is, that day, a racist or a rapist or whatever else the online hordes have decided that person is. A large slice of online culture swipes left on a person, place, or thing, and then has to go on [insert social media platform here] and post exactly why they swiped left, and how that person, place, or thing has been personally offensive to them.

Like Tinder, these cancellations have real-life consequences. If you’re a well-intentioned but clueless person, maybe you make an apology afterward and hunker down for a while. If you’re some stupid joker that makes some stupid joke, maybe you have to change your name and live in oblivion forever.

And here’s the thing: It’s obviously bad to be racist or homophobic and beyond bad to sexually assault anyone. Basically, everyone agrees on this except certain elected officials. But the pace and speed with which people are branded as one thing—which then becomes their log line forever—is crazy. We all think prominent people are kind of our friends, and that we actually know them, and then we decide that nobody should ever know them ever again. Which is insane.

But you—yes you, reader—can fight this. It’s super simple. First, take a deep breath. Second, log off. Third, go smell some flowers or something and stop pretending you know famous people. It’s demented.

Reich Rolled: Gaming

WOLFENSTEIN: YOUNG BLOOD, BETHESDA SOFTWORKS

(PS4, XBOX, NINTENDO SWITCH, PC)
COMBAT coots and hand grenades replace high-tops and Rubik’s Cubes in the alternate-1980s setting of Wolfenstein: Youngblood, the latest entry in the series that popularized the first-person-shooter genre back in 1992. The Nazis have won World War II and completed their global domination in the intervening decades. Into this nightmare scenario steps Jessica and Sophia Blazkowicz, twin resistance fighters who try to put history back on track. Players choose one of the sisters and try to liberate Paris from hordes of swastika-sporting stormtroopers. And while knocking down Nazis never gets old, it won’t be easy: This installment arms the Führer’s forces with technology well ahead of the 1980s, including hulking mechs and energy weapons. It’s the sort of fireworks you’d expect if the Third Reich kept up R&D for another four decades.     

Missions have Jess and Soph doing more than mucking up the Nazis’ new world order. They’re on the hunt for their father, William “B.J.” Blazkowicz, a grizzled American war veteran and the longstanding hero of this series. He went missing in the last installment, and now it’s his daughters’ turn to infiltrate forest fortresses and mountaintop eagles’ nests looking for clues. In a series first, you don’t have to tackle the goose-stepping fascists solo. A buddy can fight alongside you as either Jess or Soph online. Your co-op colleague doesn’t need their own copy of the game if you buy the Deluxe Edition, which comes with a Buddy Pass allowing one friend to partner up whenever you play. (It’s also a good way to dip your toes into the game if you want to try before you buy.) You can play missions in any order while unlocking new abilities and gear, including Nazi-pulverizing power suits, making for a more freewheeling way to sabotage Hitler’s final solution.

ROADWORTHY: Four High-Mileage Mobile Games for Summer Trekking

The Elder Scrolls: Blades

(Bethesda Softworks, Android, iOS)
Previous chapters in this series are known for their endless quests and sprawling realms—a lot to pack into a small package. So this mobile version splits it all into three scoops: a Town mode in which you rebuild your village, an Arena where you brutalize other players, and an Abyss with a bottomless dungeon to explore.

Project Cars GO

(Slightly Mad Studios, Android)
Car aficionados covet the Project Cars series for its impeccable re-creations of exotic autos and true-to-life handling specs. This mobile spin-off promises that same attention to detail while adding customizability to the mix, letting gearheads monkey around under the hood. The graphics still scream along, so you’ll feel like you’re going fast even if you’re stuck on the tarmac in real life.

Super Mario Maker 2

(Nintendo, Switch)
If all your summer downtime makes you antsy, why not do something constructive? This game-making kit gives you everything you need—lava pools, bottomless pits, power-ups, and baddies ripped from Mario’s world—to create the perfect classic side-scrolling experience. Or stay lazy and download levels from players who’ve made more creative use of their vacations.

Diablo Immortal

(Blizzard/NetEase, Android, iOS)
This series’ simple hack-and-slash formula—inspired by the Gauntlet arcade machine that ate all your quarters in the eighties—pares down perfectly onto the mobile platform, with touchscreen slaying that works surprisingly well. Add in massively multiplayer online play and an endless supply of randomly generated loot, and Diablo Immortal becomes an on-the-go game with unlimited mileage.

Todd Snider: A Ghost in the Catalogue

There’s this song Todd Snider’s been working on for 30 years now. Call it the white whale of his songwriting career: a crafty, elusive creature, with size, connected to the depths. The search for it—the quest to get the song right—drives him on. It drove him while starting out, when mostly all he had was a dream, and lots to learn, and naysayers to ignore, and nothing gigs in half-empty bars to play. And it kept driving him on through mid-career drug problems, health problems, and relationship problems.

Fifty-two years old now, with shaggy blond hair he might accent with a beard and floppy hat like Neil Young used to wear, Snider has bright, animated blue eyes. He holds your gaze when he talks, telling stories that make you laugh or think. And sometimes, discussing his work, he seems to reengage with the essence of a song right on the spot.

But talking about this one, the song that’s eluded him all these years? Snider shakes his head a little and stares off to the side.

He wrote the first version when he was 22, and called it “Where Will I Go Now That I’m Gone?” Three decades later, it’s a tune that still makes him stare into the distance. Like it’s out there somewhere, the secret to making the song work the way he wants it to. Like if he keeps looking for it, traveling here and there—he’s done a ton of rambling, in the finest folk-troubadour tradition—maybe, just maybe, it’ll appear.

We’re seated at a small kitchenette table inside his tour bus, which is parked behind the historic Wealthy Theatre in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Snider’s faraway look, as he reflects on that just-out-of-reach, spurring-him-on song, comes after a lively 90 minutes of talking to me about politics, drugs, his family, his fans, and life on the road.

That’s the thing with folk singers, Snider says. You don’t even need to ask them a question to start getting answers. But when he gets to talking about music, the focus of his life, he slows down and has an air of searching for something, like a guy on a beach with a metal detector, sweeping the sand, believing he might find an object of value in the very next moment.

A laid-back individual who favors jeans and sneakers, and sometimes performs barefoot, Snider—his fair hair and casual manner suggestive of the late Tom Petty—gets into a marveling mode, even a reverential one, when speaking of times when songwriting can feel magical.

“When you’re letting these sounds that come out of nowhere start guiding your decisions,” he says, “it feels like, Oh my God, there’s a ghost here.”

Speaking of connections to the beyond, a tether through the ether linking the living and those who have passed, there’s a song called “The Ghost of Johnny Cash” on Snider’s new album, Cash Cabin Sessions, Vol. 3, released this spring to much critical praise.

The album’s title nods to the fact that Snider recorded it at Johnny Cash’s old Tennessee hideaway and recording studio, a place still hosting top musicians, and run by Cash’s son, John Carter Cash. Snider first visited in 2015 to watch Loretta Lynn record a couple of songs they’d written together. While there, he had a dream that began to recur.

In the dream, Snider is asleep on the floor in a certain part of the studio, only to be awakened by the Man in Black himself. Cash’s son later told Snider this was the spot where his dad had died, on a bed set up in the studio during the legendary musician’s last days. It wasn’t long after this that Snider returned to record some material for his band Hard Working Americans, a supergroup featuring members of the Chris Robinson Brotherhood and Widespread Panic. And then last autumn, Snider recorded ten spare, acoustic tunes at Cash Cabin Studio. The tracks are heartfelt, moving, funny, and political, with attention given to the craft of songwriting itself, and the songwriter’s life.

On “The Ghost of Johnny Cash,” Snider strums Cash’s beloved, century-old Martin guitar, and sings about Loretta Lynn dancing with Cash’s ghost outside the cabin at night.

Though words like “hippie” and “stoner” have been applied to Snider—a guy who does like his weed, doesn’t carry a wallet, has played in jam bands, and enjoys conversational tangents—he is anything but a slacker when it comes to songwriting. He’s intense, dedicated, studious, and aims high. He says he doesn’t trust a lyric unless it’s been around for a year. Reviewers of this new album have been hailing its songcraft mastery.

The renowned music critic Robert Christgau gave Cash Cabin Sessions an “A,” and wrote on Vice’s music site, Noisey: “You’d never know from its offhand feel how practiced this material is. That’s one reason it’s so replayable…. The other, of course, is that the words are good.”

No Depression put it this way: “Snider is a force of nature. He’s a brilliant songwriter who’s always searching for the next chord, the next story, the next joke, the next idea, the next experience he can turn into song.” Rolling Stone adds, “His lyrics are razor sharp, unsparing, hilarious, and surprisingly tender…. The most provocative moments are topical, when Snider takes scalpels to modern cultural cancers and musical histories both.”

And Folk Radio magazine delivered a rave: “Gripping from start to finish…piercing, precise. Snider’s sterling acoustic guitar work is arguably tighter than ever…. [The album’s] heard as if you are face-to-face with the man, sipping or smoking on something fine, reclining on his porch-side or slumped, quietly contemplating it all in some backroom bar.”

The review conjures a songwriter “spitting blue-collar grit like Springsteen, careening with the same charm of Kristofferson and with the slick wit of [John] Prine, [Randy] Newman, and [Loudon] Wainwright.”

Snider’s productivity and focus are well-known to fellow musicians and others in the music industry, who aren’t fooled by the toker’s drawl. He’s recorded 14 original albums since 1993, released both live and cover albums, appeared on compilations, and made records with other bands. He’s also written a rollicking, laugh-out-loud memoir, I Never Met a Story I Didn’t Like: Mostly True Tall Tales, published in 2014. If he’s not songwriting or recording, he’s touring. He’s played thousands of shows, and the total would be even higher if health and drug issues hadn’t sidelined him at points.

“For [Snider], the clever part of songwriting, that’s the easy part,” fellow songwriter Bobby Bare Jr. once observed to The Austin Chronicle. “That’s the natural part of his talent. But what makes him better than everybody else is how hard he works at the craft of those clever ideas. That’s what great songwriters do. They work hard on what they stumble upon.”

That Folk Radio reviewer is not the only critic to mention Snider in the same breath as some of our songwriting elites. And the East Nashville mainstay has also influenced and helped pave the way for younger, Grammy-winning country stars like Jason Isbell and Kacey Musgraves. On Cash Cabin, Isbell provides harmonies on a terrific track called “Like a Force of Nature.” Isbell and his wife, 37-year-old songwriter and violinist Amanda Shires, also contribute backup vocals on two of the political songs, “The Blues on Banjo” and “A Timeless Response to Current Events.” Rootsy, pointed, and conversational, “Blues” calls out NRA-beholden politicians and border-wall hysteria, while “Timeless” takes on phony, divisive patriotism.

Like Snider, Isbell and Shires have decided ignoring politics isn’t an option, not in the current climate. Younger Nashville musicians of a progressive bent can look to Snider for an example of a veteran musician who’s found a way to give compelling voice to his political convictions without sacrificing musicianship—like a latter-day Woody Guthrie.

He’s keeping a close eye on what’s going on, politically and culturally. When we meet on his tour bus, he’s got the TV tuned to CNN, makes reference to the politics of Meghan McCain, and criticizes the “prison-industrial complex.”

But of course what most often catches the attention of fans and musicians (count comedian Richard Lewis among the former; Lewis, a Snider friend, gets a mention on this new album) is his musical prowess and creativity—his deft way with a song. Snider took up the craft of songwriting in his late teens, when music put a hex on him. That hex is still as strong as ever. An hour before his sold-out show in Grand Rapids, he can’t quit thinking about that damn elusive song, the one whose final form he seems doomed to forever chase.

“It’s the worst problem I’ve ever had,” Snider says, shaking his head again. “That’s the thing. You just keep looking for it. I don’t even know what it is.”

Todd Snider in Concert

Inside the 400-seat theater,  the lights dim and Snider comes onto the stage, a mile-wide grin on his face, raised hands making peace signs. A crowd of mostly middle-aged fans rises and applauds. After getting ready to play, Snider nods hello and begins to strum and sing. Moments later he backs away from the mike, and you can hear him chuckle in disbelief as the crowd continues singing his song louder than he was singing it.

Later on, there’s a moment of magic as everybody in the theater who can whistle does so in unison, right along with Snider. And then there’s the interlude when his brown-and-black dog, Cowboy Jim, a fan favorite who’d wandered onstage earlier, comes back out and starts barking in seeming agreement as Snider sings a line about an old radio station that carries veiled social commentary: “We used to listen then.”

Intimate accidents like the crowd turning into a whistling chorus, or Cowboy Jim’s perfectly timed woofs, which sent a delighted charge through the theater, are the kinds of things that have kept Snider hooked on performing music his whole adult life.

“I get goosebumps just thinking about it,” Snider tells me later, using the words “electric” and “cosmic” to characterize those moments of sudden communal harmony. “You’re part of this gig and you feel like you’re part of this bigger thing. It’s like God wanted it to happen. So, it’s like, Let’s drive another six hours and do it again!”

THOUGH in person, in his book, and in his music over the years, Snider has never had a problem discussing his life’s journey, which has seen its share of ups and downs, he chose to limit the autobiographical stuff on this new album. Half the songs address societal and political matters, while three more explore music-making itself, and Nashville musical history. Had he wanted to mine his recent life for material, there would have been a lot to consider. He got divorced in 2014. He also started abusing painkillers, a habit that began when he developed a back problem. He spent too many days in a narcotic haze, and missed some shows. But he’s feeling a lot better now, and says weed’s all he needs.

His new record doesn’t touch much on his divorce, despite its impact on his life the past few years. Snider doesn’t really see the point, he tells me, in those “bummed about a girl” musical laments. “Sometimes I think those songs get so whiny,” the songwriter continues. He believes “Like a Force of Nature” says enough about what he’s been through, and says it in the right way.

Wise, moving, and unsentimental, this tune, with perfect phrasing and subtle wit, opens, “Well, if we never get together again/ Forgive me for the fool I’ve been/ See if you can remember me/ When I was listening to my better angels.” The narrator then confesses to a need for constant motion, an urge so strong it’s like a force of nature.

“I can’t keep myself from moving,” Snider sings, his tone weathered, a voice with mileage on it. As it happens, the songwriter himself, he estimates, has lived in 50-plus residences, to go with decades of cross-country touring.

When it comes to the early part of his roaming life, biographical accounts tend to vary a bit, as Snider’s story has acquired some romantic lore over the years, troubadour tales taking on lives of their own. But a teenage relocation is a constant in the different accounts. Born in Portland, Oregon, Snider moved from suburban Beaverton to Austin, Texas, in his teens. His parents had gone broke, and his older brother had found work in Austin, which helped motivate the change of scene.

While growing up, Snider found his dad a mysterious figure. He says his family had money for a while, and then suddenly lost it all. Later, his parents got divorced.

“I think my dad did a lot of coke and was gambling,” Snider tells me. “He was a wild fucker.” Snider says he never knew exactly what his dad did for a living, but it was construction-related. He describes his late father, Danny, who died at 54, as “tough.”

Years ago, Snider heard rumors that his dad had a hand in organized crime—a theory buttressed both by an Oregon reporter, who once told the songwriter as much, and by the fact that a family friend eventually got murdered in a hit. Snider says he doesn’t doubt the rumors about his dad, but he can’t say for sure if they’re true.

Early on, Danny Snider made it clear he didn’t approve of his son’s career choice. He told the aspiring songwriter that if he didn’t drop the music dream and find a real job, he’d spend his life playing the same shitty bars for the same shitty pay. A conservative Republican, Danny didn’t find songwriting a reputable profession, didn’t share his son’s love of poetry, and distrusted the politics of folkies who strum guitars and pen lyrics about life, love, planet Earth, and social injustice. During his early twenties, Todd would get in heated political arguments with his dad. When the musician would accuse right-wingers of racism and homophobia, Danny would come back and call his son a fag.

As a young man starting out in music, Snider found himself looking beyond his dad for support and inspiration. With his personality and talent a combination that could get him noticed, he had the good fortune of finding father figures who also happened to be some of the country’s best songwriters. One of those was Jerry Jeff Walker, who wrote “Mr. Bojangles.” Snider has said seeing Walker play solo at an Austin bar helped show him the way: Instead of running around trying to get a band together, he could just be a man with songs and a guitar.

After sending a demo tape to Memphis singer-songwriter Keith Sykes, a friend of both Walker and John Prine, as well as a member of Jimmy Buffett’s Coral Reefer Band, Snider was encouraged by Sykes to move to Memphis and join the thriving music scene there.

Eventually, Snider snagged a regular gig at a club called the Daily Planet. Meanwhile, Sykes was doing what he could to help Snider launch his career. The songcraft education that began in Austin—how to chart rhyming patterns, for example—accelerated in Memphis. Snider was learning from Walker, Sykes, Prine. And from Jimmy Buffett himself he gleaned a few parlor tricks when it comes to working a crowd.

From all these guys he also learned how to grind, Snider tells me. With their stories of starting out, and from his observations of these mentors in action, he got an idea of what it takes to succeed. It might mean playing nightly shows to 15 or 20 people for who knows how long. And it definitely means working on a song until it’s perfect. Even if it takes 30 years.

In 1993, Buffett signed Snider to his Margaritaville Records label. Danny was there the night his son put his signature to a contract for his debut album, Songs for the Daily Planet, released that year. Seeing tangible signs of his son’s music success impacted the elder Snider. “I remember that night felt like show business,” Snider recalls. “Like something a dad could get. He was like, ‘I’m really proud of you. You’re working hard.’”

Danny Snider died less than a year later.

FOR years, Todd Snider assumed he’d die in some sort of accident. A car crash. A tour prank gone wrong. He’d think of Elvis dying on the can. Buddy Holly in a plane crash. Janis Joplin’s heroin overdose. He says his mom, Micki, was always worried about him. She still worries. And his dad worried, too, but more about his son’s financial and marital prospects.

Truth be told, with all the drugs Snider has taken, he has flirted with death. And in 2016, he says he started regularly taking acid to go with the pills, drinking, and heavy marijuana use.

Snider was scheduled to play a music festival in Chillicothe, Illinois, but collapsed and had a seizure before taking the stage. His manager, Brian Kincaid, helped carry him unconscious to the medical tent. An ambulance arrived. Snider remembers coming to en route to the hospital. Kincaid remembers Snider waking up and promptly laughing as a young paramedic kept missing Snider’s veins with the IV needle—the result of a fast, bumpy ride and Snider’s inability to remain still. “I was tripping balls,” Snider laughs. “I was talking to him like, ‘Well, it’s me and you, kid! This is going to be a weird way to go.’”

Miraculously, Snider recovered enough to play a gig the next night in Nashville. Doctors had flushed him out with fluids overnight and through the morning. With Kincaid’s help, they got him on the bus and drove as fast as they could to Music City. Years ago, Snider might have skipped the show, he says. In his younger, wilder days, there were times when he was getting busy with a girl, or simply got too wasted to perform. “There’d be maybe 300 angry people somewhere and none of them would sue me,” Snider says. “I’ve been really good about it in the past few years, though.”

Last year, he did have to cancel some tour dates for medical reasons. He suffers from chronic back pain and has arthritis in his neck. While explaining how hard it is for musicians to stay in shape and routinely see a doctor, Snider points to the left side of his neck. He says a doctor found a trio of discs scraping into each other. His fans—especially the ones Snider’s age or older—are understanding when his spine problems cause cancellations, and send him well wishes, or share their own tales of chronic pain.

He’s trying to live right these days—or right enough. Snider hopes missing gigs—for any reason, but especially because of drugs—is a problem in the rearview mirror. He doesn’t want fans to ever again have to post things like this 2017 comment after some shows were dropped: “This is nothing new for Todd. [You] never know if he’s going to play an awesome show, nod off and walk out mid-set, or not even play at all.” Other fans posted about how unwell he looked. Suspecting it was “not going to be a good ending” for Snider, one commenter wrote, “Shall we predict his death?”

Snider says life and death have been on his mind recently, in part because his dad died so young. He talks to his brother Mike about this. Mike’s 54, the age their father died.

INSIDE the Wealthy Theatre that night in Grand Rapids, Snider gets big laughs talking about his weed-fueled adventures. He mentions how, at Cash Cabin Studio, he got so high he wandered the surrounding forest for hours to “find a song.”

A fantastic storyteller, with a gift for comic confessions and candid recollections, Snider keeps fans as entertained between songs as he does during songs. With me on the tour bus, he shared tales of epic acid benders he says lasted for days. And just as he does in the theater, on the tour bus he spoke of the importance of persistence, of how he built his career through years of staying at it, never giving up. “It all just slowly works,” he said. “I’ve never had a hit, but I’ve got like a million albums, and you just keep plugging away.”

That night in Michigan, Snider abandons his set list early, letting the crowd and their shouted preferences guide what he plays. Eventually, he lets everyone know it’s time for a last song, and starts softly strumming the opening chords to “Working on a Song.” It’s a tune from the new album, inspired by that song he’s chasing.

“I never gave up on it,” Snider tells the crowd. “I always thought…I’ll get this one day, you know?” A hush descends inside the theater as he begins to play.

“When that idea first came to me, I was only 22,” Snider sings, more slowly than usual. “By 25, I had realized it was all that I could do/ To make it to the end, but then again, I always knew/ If I never got it finished I could die trying to.”

If Snider’s addictions have nearly killed him, the place where he stands now, that stage in Grand Rapids, gives him life. And being hooked on the art of words and music, an art that helps make his *pain vanish and helps others forget their own pain—that kind of addiction’s all right, if not always easy.

When Snider talks to me about that quest song, one he’s shaped into at least ten versions and tried to cowrite with other top songwriters, including Kix Brooks and the late Susanna Clark, he says it means something different to him now.

“It’s about what am I going to do when I don’t sing anymore,” he says, looking down at a Sharpie pen he’s twisting back and forth in his hands. “I get why Willie [Nelson] plays every night. I didn’t used to, but now I do. I don’t want to finish my songs. I don’t want my show to get over. I’m not going to freak out about dying, but I enjoy being here.”

Up on the stage, Snider sings, “They said maybe you’ve been chasing a song too long/ It’s turned into a song about a song you’re working on/ I mean it’s gone, man, come on, let it go/ But you know, giving up a dream is just like making one come true/ It’s easy to sit around talking about, it’s harder to go out and do.”

The 52-year-old performer slows down on the guitar, then strums his final chords. The theater lights fade. Showered in the adoration of a standing ovation, Snider sets down his guitar, slides his hands into his pockets, nods “thanks,” and walks off the stage.

Sean Neumann is a Chicago-based journalist and musician who spends much of the year touring with his bands. His writing on politics, sports, and television has appeared in Rolling Stone, ESPN, VICE, and more. Follow him on Twitter @neumannthehuman.

Kiteboarder Susi Mai is Our Muse

Sisu Mai — professional kiteboarder, environmental activist, and entrepreneur—has spent her life living by the ocean, loving the ocean, and soaring above it.

This German-born daughter of pro windsurfers got to know the Caribbean first, after her family moved to seaside Cabarete in the Dominican Republic. Rebellious as a girl, Mai turned her nose up at windsurfing because that’s what her father did when he wasn’t running a B&B with Mai’s mom.

A fluent speaker of Spanish, German, and English, Mai was a teenage beach bum, with a perpetual sprinkling of sand in her blonde hair. It wasn’t until she was getting ready for college that she discovered the sport that would catapult her to fame.

“It was the early 2000s. I remember there was this French guy kiteboarding on the beach,” she tells Penthouse by phone from her home in Hawaii. “He was flying through the air. I immediately saw this as windsurfing, but lighter, better, and much cooler.”

Mai says the way kiteboarding harnesses the wind, plus the sport’s risk, is what appealed to her, and she began riding with boys on the beach. She had no idea of her skill level or how she compared to other female riders. And she didn’t care. She fell in love with the sport.

“Kiteboarding fools you with how fun it is,” she says. “It’s about feeling in control of some awesome nature. You’re flying like a bird over water. You’re weightless. Airborne. At the same time, you’re getting this great full-body workout.”

Mai says the opportunity to compete fell into her lap. She got a wild card pass to enter the 2003 Kiteboarding World Cup, held in her Cabarete hometown. She snagged the silver medal, with world champion Cindy Mosey of New Zealand winning gold.

With a surge of confidence and a growing reputation for executing daring, sky-high tricks, Mai went on to win Red Bull’s “King of the Air” competition in 2003, 2004, and 2005. Just like that, she found herself a sponsored tour athlete, competing, training, and performing nonstop in what she now calls a “hamster wheel” for six years.

But ultimately, knee injuries, three surgeries, and post-op bedrest forced Mai to look beyond the world of kiteboarding competition. “My injuries were downers, but they taught me something,” she recalls. “It’s a very strange feeling to have your entire existence taken away.”

After her first injury, Mai devoted herself to designing a kiteboarding line specifically for girls, called Siren Series by Susi Mai, with financial backing from her then-sponsor, Cabrinha. “I was literally designing kites from my hospital bed,” Mai laughs.

But it was earlier, in 2006, when she met venture capitalist Bill Tai, a former computer-chip designer. Kiteboarding had just taken off with Silicon Valley types, including Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page. Tai had kiteboarding friends coming to Hawaii and needed a teacher.

“There’s a lot of common ground between someone who can start their own company and someone who can kiteboard,” Mai explains. “You have to be able to do ten things at once and take risks. Also, kiteboarding is inherently geeky, when you get down to the aerodynamics of it. Brainy people love it.”

Legend has it that Tai emailed her saying, “Hey Susi, together our names spell MaiTai. We need to do something on it!” The two got together and formed a Hawaii-based event, MaiTai, that gathered kiteboard-loving executives at Twitter, Facebook, Google, and other tech firms for hands-on instruction from pros like Mai and her friends.

The exclusive event also featured top athletes, investors, and innovators who shared an addiction to high-risk thrills. When not in the water, these people cooked up new deals and raised funds for ventures like the big-data company Treasure Data, and the app Voxer. They also organized ocean-conservation initiatives such as shark-tagging.

“There was a great synergy between these two groups of people that made a lot of sense,” Mai remembers. Soon, other money-men who loved kiteboarding were knocking on Mai’s door, including Virgin Group founder Richard Branson.

“I basically became the informal kite caddy for the Branson family,” Mai jokes, adding that the whole clan is filled with risk-takers who love the challenge and adrenaline rush of kiteboarding. “It was my job to make sure they all stayed alive.”

After a ten-year run, MaiTai is giving way to new ventures and collaborations. Mai’s latest endeavor, The Ocean Summit, organized with marine conservationist Jeremy McKane, gathers a diverse group of scientists, policymakers, tech investors, athletes, and artists who share a passion for ocean conservation and environmental activism. The location is Branson’s Necker Island, where they all brainstorm on how to help protect the ocean.

As kiteboarding continues to grow in popularity, Mai hopes her crossover work with tech titans and ocean conservationists will make a difference in the world while enhancing the sport she adores. Laughing, she says, “For the first five or six years of my career, I was just explaining to people what kiteboarding actually was. They thought I filled my kite with helium. Maybe we didn’t quite become the next golf, but our community has made a difference.”

Susi Mai Kiteboard and Sun

Comedian Andrew Schulz: Interview

Andrew Schulz doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings. See for yourself on his YouTube series Views From the Cis, where he riffs on eating ass, floppy vaginas, and the usefulness of the word “tranny.” You can also listen to his debut comedy album 5:1:1, his podcasts “Brilliant Idiots” and “Flagrant 2,” or—better yet—catch him on his ten-city Matador Tour, now through November. We met up with the 35-year-old comedian to discuss his unorthodox strategy for releasing content, and why now is the best time for comedy.

Why did you decide to start releasing content the way you did?

First of all, everybody said no. I filmed my own special, doing sets in five different comedy clubs and the cab rides in between. The idea was, this is what a New York comic goes through. I knew the industry wasn’t going to let me in based on my name, so I captured what it is to be a New York comic and that still didn’t work.

I was really down. I was fucked up. But I had to find my own way in. So I started asking friends about comedy specials, ’cause you can learn everything about your industry by asking people who are not in your industry. Everybody would say, “I just watched this guy’s special. It was really funny, but I didn’t finish it.” I’m like, okay, boom, the special is too long. So I turned my one-hour special into a 15-minute special. Four clubs, one night—I called it 4:1:1. I put it out on YouTube and it got a good reaction. I sold out shows that very same weekend in San Diego. I was never a guy to sell out shows. So I go, “Okay, there’s something to this. Shorter is better.” Then I said, “Fuck it, I’m going to start giving away a new joke every week for a year.”

I’d looked at certain people, like this singer named Russ who would put a new song out every week. I looked at vloggers like Casey Neistat. I looked at the people who were winning in the new digital media age. Their success came from consistency. They put [material] out every day or every week. It wasn’t about one big event.

So, every week I put out clips on Twitter,  Instagram, and YouTube. The clips started to go viral and then my YouTube guy was like, “Yo, something wild happens when people watch a video of yours—they end up watching two hours.” Netflix and Comedy Central can’t get people to watch one hour of stand-up. I’m putting my shit on YouTube and people are watching two hours.

You mean they go from clip to clip?

Exactly. When somebody puts a one-hour special out, that person’s saying you have to sit and listen for an hour. There are many things wrong with that, but what’s most wrong is the viewer is not in control. If you give them a three-minute clip, another clip is going to pop up right after, and they make the choice to watch it.

So you took advantage of YouTube. 

YouTube is the future, except people are caught up in the traditional structures of media so they don’t understand it yet. They don’t want to believe that their industry is crumbling right in front of them. It’s like the person who won’t leave their house in a hurricane. They see the hurricane, but they don’t want to believe their house is going to be destroyed. That’s the industry right now, with all these agents and producers and everybody in L.A. The hurricane is here, but they’re staying in the house because they don’t want to live in a future where that house doesn’t exist.

It’s changed the way I view media. That’s why the greatest thing that ever happened to me was having all the networks say no, because adversity introduces you to yourself. I needed to be put in a situation where I could thrive, especially for the type of comedy I do.

Do you think there’s an attack on free speech within comedy? 

This is the best time for comedy. This is where legends are made. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George Carlin—these people were made in times where there was massive restriction and the world needed them. It needed their voice. It needed their rationale, their takes on the world. It needed speech with that amazingly beautiful cloak of comedy that can protect undeniable truths, if done really well.

Everybody, including Judd Apatow, was mad about Louis C.K.’s Parkland shooting joke. Isn’t it “ape shall never kill ape” in the comedy world?

You could say somebody’s not funny. You could say a joke isn’t funny. But you can never say what someone should or shouldn’t do with their humor. Comics are the harshest critics of each other. It seemed like a convenient time to dogpile. And you can’t do that, especially if you’re a comic. Because it’s not about Judd, or Louis. It’s about the no-name comic. What Judd was doing was enabling outrage. He’s enabling this “cancel culture.” And the reason he can’t do that is because…comedy has been very good to him, and has provided him with amazing things in his life. So you’ve got to nurture that and allow all the different types of art that could come out of that, plain and simple.

We’re living in a time where dogpiling and outrage culture are so prevalent. Why do you think that is?

Everybody wants retweets. It’s selfish and self-indulgent. That’s all it is. It’s like if you’re not funny, you’ll just be an activist.

That seems like the new career move right now. These actresses who can’t get work anymore all become activists.

Absolutely. You know, it’s like one of those situations where you can’t get angry because this is what humans are, right? I’m not upset when humans dogpile. It’s in our nature to do whatever it takes to be accepted by our tribe, because being outside the tribe is dangerous and lonely and used to get you killed. There are very few of us that can see the right and the wrong in this tribal mentality. The idea that there are gray areas in everything is a hard thing for people.

There’s a reason why, when a dictator takes over, the first people to get killed are comedians, and I’m using the word “comedian” loosely. Comedians are philosophers. And the reason we get killed is because we might say some shit that exposes the hypocrisy of the new administration. The powers that be recognize the power of a thinker, so thinkers got to go.

American War Cinema in the 21st Century

Someone recently asked me, “Why aren’t there any good movies about today’s wars?”

Looking back on it, this question was, perhaps, posed to me at an unideal time. Three rum eggnogs in at a holiday party I hadn’t really wanted to be at in the first place, I took the question like a dog getting its tail stepped on at midnight.

“No good movies about the wars? What? Fuck that question,” I said, before deciding it was the exact right time to paraphrase Tupac. “Fuck that question as a staff, record label, and as a motherfucking crew.”

The guy who’d asked it stammered out an apology, which made me feel bad. He’d just been trying to make conversation, after all, and talking with veterans can be tricky business for civilians, so I’m told. My drunken self was contributing to that gulf. My wife’s diligent eyes across the room made it clear I was to PLAY NICE. So I did my best to assure him I’d been joking, and tossed out some film suggestions about modern war that I’d found engaging.

That there haven’t been good films about the global war on terror isn’t a rare idea. Where’s the Apocalypse Now of Iraq? Why no Platoon-like epic about Afghanistan? For Christ’s sake, is there even anything on 9/11 that comes close to touching what From Here to Eternity did for Pearl Harbor? (Pearl Harbor itself, though, sucked donkey balls. I will die on that hill. Anyhow.)

And it’s not just random dudes at holiday parties saying this. In late 2018, even Hollywood golden man Tom Hanks voiced the opinion. “I don’t know that Hollywood could create an authentic story about Iraq or Afghanistan,” he said at a Washington gala for the Elizabeth Dole Foundation. “We argue about this all the time, what’s going to be the venue for the story that needs to be told.”

Far be it for me to disagree with Captain Miller of Saving Private Ryan fame, but, well, fuck it. I am. Not only do I think the folks in Hollywoodland can make good films about modern warfare, I think it’s already been done (with room for improvement, as time goes on and, well, maybe the wars actually end?). Here’s a completely subjective list of one great and four pretty good-to-goodish works that meet the ever-vaunted Gallagher Quality Threshold.

Three Kings (1999)

Two decades old and still the GOAT of modern war flicks. What’s amazing about Three Kings is how prescient it is–it’s set during Desert Storm, but manages to foresee the dark ambiguities, sectarian violence, and ruin that awaited Babylon in coming years. There’s blood, there’s treasure, and sex between a Green Beret and an enterprising reporter looking for a tip. (Womp womp.) Throw in a killer script and some great performances by Ice Cube and Spike Jonze, and we’ve got ourselves an underrated classic of the genre.

American Sniper (2014)

I’ll admit to a real love-hate relationship with Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. It’s a splendidly made film from an aesthetic perspective, and the end scene is damn near perfect. But beyond the shine, given the attention it received and its star-studded cast, it lingers four years later as a huge opportunity wasted to challenge people’s mindsets about the war on terror, rather than reinforcing them. Chris Kyle the man was way more interesting than Bradley Cooper’s stoic, sheepdog John Wayne impression made him out to be: Kyle was funny, tender sometimes, and sometimes a really obvious, really awful braggart and liar. Super complicated, super raw, super honest, always interesting. A man that interesting deserved a war film about him as he actually was.

Argo (2012)

Ostensibly about the 1979 U.S. hostage crisis in Tehran, Argo pulsates with contemporary foreign policy issues in a wild, rollicking story that might make you forgive Ben Affleck for his stone-voiced turn at Batman. Based on a real-life event known as “the Canadian Caper,” Argo accomplishes the rare double feat of getting viewers to root for the CIA while also providing some perspective on the “others” who label America the Great Satan. Is it a coincidence that two of the best films about the war on terror are technically set before it commenced? Reader, it is not! History needs perspective, and perspective can often serve as art’s lifeblood. Some famous dead poet said that, I think?

Sand Castle (2017) 

A Netflix film, Sand Castle offers a gritty, grunt-view window on Iraq that’s common in our contemporary war literature but, curiously, hasn’t penetrated much of television or film. (Pet theory: Americans like soldiers in a vague, cipher-like way, but have a harder time reconciling those sanitized notions with the realities of angry, rough men and women looking to carry out violence for our state.) Sand Castle’s not without its faults–too much verisimilitude, not enough narrative arc, at least to these eyes–but screenwriter and U.S. Army veteran of Iraq Chris Roessner deserves a heap of credit for breaking through the civilian-military divides of twenty-first-century America and getting this thing made. Having talented, creative veterans like him operating in the arts is vital to our cultural and societal understanding of just what the hell has been going on since 9/11. Rich people reading this: Give that man some money to make his next film, this Penthouse columnist demands it to be so.

Homecoming (2018)

Yeah, yeah, this is a television series and not a film, and I’m cheating on my own list. Who cares? I wanted to write about Homecoming. It’s on Amazon Video! It stars Julia Roberts! And honest to Christ, it’s one of the more powerful and innovative works of antiwar art I’ve come across in years. Set in Florida at a private contractor’s medical facilities devoted to “curing” veterans’ post-traumatic stress, Homecoming is more thriller than drama, and benefits immensely from the tonal shifts therein. It doesn’t use combat or post-traumatic stress as much more than a backdrop, allowing the storytelling to free itself up for what’s happening here, stateside. It’s streamable in that addictive, lose-a-weekend sort of way; give it a run and let the commentary about the military-industrial complex’s exploitation of young people and their ideas of soldiering soak in after the fact.

Film: The Wonder Year

In summer 1999, journalist Brian Raftery was 23 years old and had just made the big move from the cineplex desert of rural Pennsylvania to New York City. He had landed a job interning at Entertainment Weekly, back when the likes of Owen Gleiberman, Mark Harris, and future Gone Girl author Gillian Flynn could be regularly overheard in the hallways arguing passionately about the latest releases.

“It was also the first year I ever went to a screening,” Raftery recalls. “It was like, I get to see these movies for free? In a nice theater? Weeks before anyone else? It was so exciting.”

You could forgive a movie-drunk kid like Raftery for thinking every other movie he saw in 1999 was some kind of cinematic miracle. Except everyone else did, too.

It wasn’t just that a bunch of compelling, distinctive smaller movies like Being John Malkovich, Election, Rushmore, and Boys Don’t Cry came out that year; even a lot of the blockbusters were interesting—1999 was the year of The Sixth Sense, The Matrix, and Toy Story 2. Some movies straddled both worlds, like The Blair Witch Project, which was shot for next to nothing on a camcorder in the Maryland wilderness and became one of the ten highest-grossing films of the year.

Now Raftery has written a book, Best. Movie. Year. Ever., in which he explores the production history of about 30 of 1999’s most notable releases, from large-scale productions like The Phantom Menace, to cult hits like Go and Galaxy Quest, to the kind of mid-budget, auteur-driven studio projects that have increasingly become Hollywood rarities: David O. Russell’s Three Kings, Michael Mann’s The Insider, Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia. And even then, he had to leave out plenty more: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, American Movie, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and Ravenous, the bizarre Guy Pearce cannibal movie that remains one of his personal faves.

“I see 1999 as a collision between three generations of filmmakers,” Raftery says. “This is the year you get Spike Jonze’s first movie, Sofia Coppola’s first movie, Brad Bird’s first movie, M. Night Shyamalan’s big breakthrough—all these exciting new voices emerging, all coming from different places. Then you have these major directors coming back after at least a decade away: [Stanley] Kubrick, George Lucas, Terrence Malick. And then there’s Michael Mann and David Fincher and Steven Soderbergh, all being handed the keys to the equivalent of these big muscle cars. It’s like, ‘So you say this movie Fight Club is going to be a nihilistic takedown of consumer culture, and you’re going to blow up our corporate offices at the end of it? Okay, well, we can only give you $65 million to make that.’”

How’d this happen? Raftery gives part of the credit to a generation of movie executives who started their careers during the New Hollywood era of the 1970s and whose decisions were informed as much by a genuine love of movies as by business savvy. Take Lorenzo di Bonaventura, who greenlit Three Kings and The Matrix when he was running Warner Bros., simply because he thought they were…you know, great ideas.

“I don’t mean to deride them,” Raftery says, “but with some of today’s executives, I sometimes wonder, ‘Was this what you really wanted to do when you were in college studying Hal Ashby movies?’ That said, in 1999, the movie industry had a lot of money to waste. These movies did not feel like risks that would end everything. You could get something like The Insider, which had a budget of around $70 million, which is insane for a drama that is never going to have a sequel, and which you’re never going to be able to spin off.”

At the same time, Raftery resists the cliché that you could never get these movies made nowadays. He thinks they’d still survive, albeit in different forms. The Iron Giant would probably have a much easier time in 2019, for instance, now that skillfully told, heartfelt animated films in the Pixar mold have become a hugely profitable genre unto themselves.

Fight Club might not get the glossy treatment it did in 1999, but maybe a gnarlier, shot-on-digital version would still pack the same punch. Magnolia could stretch out its storytelling ambitions even further as a prestige series on HBO or Netflix. And Being John Malkovich? Well, that one always seemed like a fluke, even in 1999—Raftery says half-jokingly that he can imagine that premise in 2019 being boiled down to “a crazy, really well-made Cuervo ad.”

If any cluster of 1999’s movies seems uniquely of its time, Raftery thinks, it’s teen movies. He devotes a chapter to Varsity Blues, She’s All That, American Pie, 10 Things I Hate About You, and the gloriously trashy Cruel Intentions.

“Those were not the movies I grew up on,” Raftery admits, “but I have a lot of respect for them. They’re super-fun, but the fact that Columbine happened this year when teens had this remarkable pop-culture ascent is also very moving to me. Teen movies had to change after that, and this vacuum-sealed, pre-Columbine depiction of high school is very poignant when you watch it now.”

In 2016, Raftery wrote an article for Wired lamenting how movies no longer mattered as much as they had two decades ago. It wasn’t just that the most groundbreaking creative work seemed to be happening on television; even something as frivolous as Pokémon Go was sparking more engagement than whatever experiments Steven Soderbergh was cooking up at the time.

He doesn’t feel that way anymore. “I feel good about movies now,” he says. “In 2018 alone, you had First Reformed, Black Panther, and Minding the Gap, three movies with absolutely nothing in common—different budgets, different filmmaking styles, different audience ambitions—but all amazing. People always complain about franchises, but the thing is, you don’t have to go see all of them. If you just see the good ones, like Black Panther or Mission: Impossible—Fallout, you’re doing pretty good.”

Maybe, just maybe, the true “best movie year ever” is already underway and we just don’t know it yet. As Raftery notes, Hollywood sage William Goldman published an essay in Premiere early in 1999 decrying how movies had lost their way. “How many great movies do you need in a year, anyway?” Raftery asks. “In 1999, we might have had too many of them. In 2019, we might have exactly the right amount.”

Crazy Rich Owners: Game On

My first exposure to the weirdness of rich people happened when I was kid, leafing through the Guinness Book of World Records paperback I’d requested for Christmas. I came upon an entry for “The World’s Greatest Miser,” Hetty Green. The photo showed an elderly woman dressed all in black, with a big black hat and a cape, striding grim-faced along a New York City street in the 1890s.

And then I learned a few wackadoodle details about the woman nicknamed “The Witch of Wall Street.” Though she’d inherited five million dollars when her whaling empire dad died, she was so cheap she hardly ever washed her hands to save money on soap, bought broken cookies at bargain prices, and cooked her oatmeal over a hot radiator during winter when making breakfast at the bank where she spent her days investing.

She nearly lost her mind once when she thought she’d lost a two-cent stamp.

Hetty Green marked the beginning of my education into monied eccentricity. Crazy rich people grow on trees. There was the Eighth Earl of Bridgewater, Francis Egerton, also in the nineteenth century, a dude who only wore a pair of shoes once, and threw dinner parties for himself and dogs dressed up in fashionable human-style clothes.

There was Sarah Winchester, who married into the Winchester gun company fortune and built an insane, seven-story, 161-room California mansion with doors and stairs that went nowhere and other oddities meant to fool the ghosts of people killed by Winchester firearms she believed haunted her.

Howard Hughes comes to mind. The aviation tycoon had severe OCD, and once spent four months holed up in a Hollywood studio screening room watching movies, often naked, not cutting his hair, surrounded by Kleenex boxes, and consuming only chicken, chocolate, and milk. Even the IKEA founder, Ingvar Kamprad, seemed a bit nuts—or at least cheap enough to give Hetty a run for her money. A Swede who drove a 1993 Volvo as recently as 2013, when he was one of the world’s richest men, Kamprad pocketed restaurant salt and pepper packets and reused tea bags. He furnished his house with IKEA furniture he assembled himself.

“The rich are different from you and me,” F. Scott Fitzgerald was reputed to have said to his drinking buddy Ernest Hemingway, who replied, “Yes, they have more money.”

Given the fact that wealthy people own professional sports teams, basic probability would tell you that a number of team owners are or have been…a little different from you and me. And not only because they have access to boatloads of cash.

Different in the head.

Here are my candidates for the five wackiest owners in sports.

CHARLIE FINLEY

During the seventies, when colorful, bombastic George Steinbrenner commenced his lengthy ownership tenure for the New York Yankees, colorful, bombastic Charlie Finley owned the Oakland A’s, a team that won three straight World Series championships—a feat repeated only one other time, when Steinbrenner’s Yankees did it between 1998 and 2000.

And, like Steinbrenner, Finley was always firing people and feuding with players. But whereas “The Boss,” as Steinbrenner was known in Yankee Stadium, banned beards and shoulder-length hair (he once ordered Don Mattingly benched for not cutting his mullet), Finley encouraged facial hair—even zany facial hair—paying players $300 bonuses to grow mustaches during the postseason.

The practice led to pitcher Rollie Fingers growing his signature handlebar ’stache. Charlie Finley was even nuttier than Steinbrenner. Take it from outfielder-turned-broadcaster Jimmy Piersall, afflicted with bipolar disorder, who once said of Finley’s craziness, “Being around him made me feel well.”

An innovator who advocated for the designated hitter, interleague play, and nighttime World Series games, Finley had a P. T. Barnum-level flair for marketing, which is where he let his freak flag fly. He introduced a new team mascot, “Charlie-O,” a mule, which he paraded through the press room, hotel lobbies, and cocktail parties. He jazzed up team uniforms, going with bright green, gold, and white. He insisted players wear white cleats. He tried orange baseballs during spring training. He hired the future rapper MC Hammer as an eleven-year-old to serve as a dancing batboy. He installed a mechanical rabbit behind home plate that popped up to hand the umpire baseballs. He pioneered ball girls (one of them Debbi Fields, who founded Mrs. Fields’ Original Cookies), and oversaw Hot Pants Night (free admission for women in short shorts), along with promotions for bald and bearded fans.

MARK CUBAN

This motormouthed, T-shirt-wearing, non-graduate of anger management classes has been the loosest of cannons since assuming ownership of the Dallas Mavericks in 2000. His propensity to yell at players and refs, and say stuff he shouldn’t in interviews, has led to a whopping $1.6 million in league fines. Small change for a guy Forbes said had a 2018 net worth of $3.9 billion. A onetime disco dancing instructor, Cuban, who made his money in tech and media, has called Donald Trump a “jagoff” and once offered to pay him a million dollars to shave his head. He allegedly said, “Your son is a punk” to Kenyon Martin’s mom after a game. He’s entered a pro-wrestling ring. He says he might run for president some day.

Is he nuts? Well, maybe not certifiably, but he’s a grade-A eccentric. His superstar player Dirk Nowitzki once said, “He needs to learn how to control himself a little better.” Four years earlier, Cuban claimed an NBA supervising ref “couldn’t manage a Dairy Queen.” Before long, Cuban was managing a small-town Texas DQ for a day, on the company’s invitation.

MIKHAIL PROKHOROV

Nicknamed a “Mutant Russian Mark Cuban” by Bill Simmons, six-foot-eight Prokhorov, who made his fortune in precious metals, has owned or co-owned the Nets since 2010. Last year he had a net worth of $9.2 billion, according to Forbes. Owner of two private jets, a 200-foot yacht, an island in the Maldives, a $140,000 watch, and a Kalashnikov rifle designed for Russian special forces, this womanizing bachelor, now 53, enjoys the hell out of life. He works out for two hours a day and likes doing backflips while waterskiing. Freakishly coordinated, he can balance on a volleyball. When the New York Times visited him in Moscow, he showed the reporter how he could snap his leg with a kick. “I come in peace,” he deadpanned at his first Nets press conference, his Russian accent thick.

“Mikhail is right up there with the most flamboyant owners the league has ever had,” said then-NBA commissioner David Stern when Prokhorov took over the Nets.

JIM IRSAY

A Bill Walton-ish child of the sixties, with a love for the Beatles, The Who, Neil Young, and Bob Dylan, Irsay, owner of the Indianapolis Colts, is a billionaire with slicked-back hair who for years wore a silver Van Dyke beard. In 2014, he was arrested for drunk driving and possession of controlled substances (a bunch of tranquilizers). Nothing if not colorful, Irsay owns the original Jack Kerouac manuscript for On the Road (a 120-foot-long scroll of taped-together paper), as well as a Ringo Starr drum set and guitars once owned by John Lennon and Elvis. He runs the best team-owner Twitter account in sports. Here he is in 2012, jabbing at Cowboys owner Jerry Jones after a TV camera caught Jones’s son-in-law cleaning the owner’s glasses: “I hired ‘The Gimp’ from Pulp Fiction 2 clean my reading glasses; he lives in a trap door in my Owners Suite, but also does my grocery shopping.” Long may you run, Mr. Irsay.

SILVIO BERLUSCONI

The longest-serving postwar Italian prime minister, a media mogul worth more than $8 billion, and a kind of Italian Trump when it comes to braggadocio and love of beautiful women, the 82-year-old Berlusconi owned the world-class AC Milan professional soccer club for 31 years, all the way into 2017.

This endlessly corrupt Teflon politician has endured multiple court cases, been arrested for sex with an underage Moroccan belly dancer, participated in orgies, bragged of getting it on with eight women in one night, and once was caught on camera simulating the humping of a policewoman from behind. The number of sexist things Berlusconi has said could fill Jack Kerouac’s “scroll” and more. The man’s a piece of work.

2019 Pet of the Year Gianna Dior

Give a  big round of applause for our 2019 Pet of the Year, Gianna Dior.

This Alabama-bred firecracker burst onto the scene in May 2018 and hasn’t slowed down since. She’s taken the industry by storm, quickly rising to become one of Twitter’s favorite adult starlets with a no-holds-barred attitude to match her stunning looks. Though she may appear to be all glam and glitz, Gianna is a down-to-earth, rough-and-tumble kind of girl who claims the weirdest place she’s had sex is in a tree fort while on a hunting trip down South. Atta girl.

Age: 22 • Height: 5’4″ • Measurements: 32B-26-33
Hometown: ANDALUSIA, ALABAMA

See more of Gianna on PenthouseGold.com

Weird History: Lord John Bentinck

Let’s start with a simple but important point: All was not right in the mind of William John Cavendish-Scott-Bentinck, an introvert and eccentric par excellence who built an elaborate tunnel system under his sprawling Victorian estate all so he didn’t have to talk to other people.

The fifth Duke of Portland, aka the Marquess of Titchfield, aka Lord John Bentinck, was a man of prestige. He was a captain in the British Army, as well as a politician who served in multiple houses of government. This was not the result of a particularly strong intellect or work ethic, but, rather, rarified socioeconomic stock: His grandfather, William Henry, served two terms as British prime minister, and Bentinck’s entry to the House of Lords was literally automatic when he inherited the dukedom at age 24, upon his older brother’s premature death.

From a young age, Bentinck suffered from the Victorian catchall known as “delicate health.” He quit the army on account of lethargy, and gave up his seat as MP (to his uncle, naturally) after just a couple of years on the job. Years later, in 1854, when he became the Duke of Portland, it took Bentinck a full three years just to take his oath and officially join the House of Lords.

Bentinck’s ill health appears to have gone hand in hand with his crippling social anxiety. While he was known for his private skills as a hunter and judge of horses, in public Bentinck struggled to get along with others. As the years went on, he turned more and more of his attention to Welbeck Abbey, his grand country house in North Nottinghamshire. The estate itself dated back to the twelfth century, but when Bentinck lived there, little of the original abbey remained—and by the time he was done with it, the estate would be a completely different animal.

On the grounds themselves, Bentinck oversaw the construction of an immense riding house that could hold a hundred horses, as well as a vast kitchen garden that included a thousand-foot-long wall just for growing and ripening peaches; when roller skating became a trendy leisure activity, he built an entire rink for his staff to use.

But the real story at Welbeck Abbey happened underground, as Bentinck commissioned a vast network of subterranean tunnels and corridors, the largest of which was wide enough for two carriages to pass side by side and led toward the closest town, which was several miles away. He also built a series of specialty rooms underground, including a library, a billiards room, and a 10,000-square-foot ballroom. In all, the work took nearly two decades to complete, and required a significant workforce not just to build it, but also to maintain it for the years to come.

Why did he do this? We don’t really know, but it sure wasn’t for the benefit of his guests—because he didn’t have any. Bentinck lived on his own and did not make a habit of inviting people over. He did, however, enjoy the quiet life in the countryside, and personally attended routine chores like emptying the lake and feeding the deer that roamed the estate. As he got older, Bentinck retreated even further from public life, occupying just a few of the many rooms in Welbeck Abbey and avoiding speaking directly even to his staff. According to some accounts, Bentinck carried around an umbrella to hide behind just in case someone tried to address him directly.

Bentinck was an odd guy—likely with some undiagnosed or at least untreated mental-health issues—and his biography comes with an equally odd coda. In 1896, nearly 20 years after his death at age 79, a woman came forward to claim that Bentinck had led a double life and was, in fact, her father-in-law. The woman petitioned the government for years to exhume her father-in-law’s coffin, which she believed would be empty. By the time the coffin was eventually dug up, where it was found to indeed contain the correct body, the woman had been committed to a mental institution.

The moral of Bentinck’s story is the same as it ever was: No matter your social defects, when you’re obscenely wealthy, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Although truth be told, most of us would do something very different.

Super Cuts: The Nastiest Film Self-Surgery Scenes

Ranking of the rank, in one view…

  1. Total Recall

In Paul Verhoeven’s 1990 sci-fi blockbuster, Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) finds himself on the run from the governor of Mars. As part of his evasive maneuvers, he must extract a tracking device that’s been implanted in his sinus cavity. A hilarious sequence follows in which Quaid sticks a sort of futuristic caulking gun up his nose and pulls out a red orb the size of a golf ball. Arnie’s face goes through a lot of agonized contortions in this scene, but it doesn’t seem like too tricky a feat, comparatively speaking. After all, since the device was designed to be extractable, the process seems more uncomfortable than painful. And what a relief you must feel once you’re done!

  1. Game Night

At a certain point in this entertaining, one-crazy-night comedy from last year, suburban husband Max (Jason Bateman) gets shot in the arm, forcing his wife Annie (Rachel McAdams) to figure out how to extract the bullet using only items she’s scavenged from a dollar store, while guided by an instructional video from an alt-right website. I strongly identify with Max in this scene, from the gag reflex that kicks in as soon as the blood begins to flow to his annoyance at the way his wife has arranged the display settings on her smartphone. Not fainting when the penknife accidentally makes contact with bone would be a challenge, but I think I could soldier through.

  1. Prometheus

In Ridley Scott’s 2012 Alien prequel, an astronaut (played by Noomi Rapace) who believed she was sterile suddenly appears to be pregnant. Since she is in an Alien movie, she knows that’s no human embryo inside her, but a killer baby xenomorph. And so she seals herself into an automated surgery pod and tells the computer to give her an emergency cesarean. As grueling as this experience may look, it’s not as sustained a test of one’s pain threshold as other scenes on this list. Once Rapace’s character hits the button that sets the operation in motion, she’s a passive patient in the care of a supercomputer. She even gets local anesthesia!

  1. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn

At first blush, the showstopping moment when a crazed Ash (Bruce Campbell) chain-saws off his own hand might seem to be way too low on this list. But here’s my logic: At this point in Sam Raimi’s 1987 splatter comedy, Ash’s hand is possessed by a demonic entity and won’t stop smashing plates and bottles over his head. It seems like a kill-or-be-killed scenario to me, and moreover, the heat of battle would mute the pain of the amputation process. In fact, the hardest aspect of this scene for me to replicate might be revving up a chain saw with my teeth.

  1. Cast Away

Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) extracting a rotten tooth using nothing but a mirror and the blade of an ice skate is easily the most excruciating scene in Hanks’s entire filmography (okay, with the possible exception of his pidgin-English monologues from Cloud Atlas). Noland’s intense whimpering, the horrifying sound of the tooth coming loose, and the crudity of his tools all combine to elevate this moment in Robert Zemeckis’s survival drama, released in 2000, to the pantheon of cinematic dental trauma, right alongside John Schlesinger’s Marathon Man, Park Chan-wook’s Oldboy, and Frank Oz’s Little Shop of Horrors.

  1. Saw

While later films in James Wan’s horror franchise played up the elaborate backstory of the serial killer Jigsaw, this 2004 original was juiced by the same elemental appeal as those questions 12-year-olds concoct for each other during sleepovers: Would you rather freeze or burn to death? Swim through a mile of shit or a mile of dead bodies? Saw through your own leg or let your wife and child die? Before Cary Elwes’s character takes a hacksaw to a limb, he has to muster the willpower by channeling the insanity of his situation. Could I work myself into the same leg-lopping froth? I’m doubtful.

  1. 127 Hours

In this 2010 drama, the act of self-surgery is far more than one vivid element of an overall story. Every viewer who bought a ticket knew they were going to see James Franco’s character remove his own arm with a pocketknife. And the rest of the movie—the flashbacks, Franco’s rambling monologues to his video camera—serves only to delay the inevitable moment. What really sells the agony of this sequence is the way director Danny Boyle reminds you that Franco’s doomed hiker doesn’t just have to cut through bone and muscle; he’s got to slice through his own nervous system as well. And that’s why my corpse would still be pinned at the bottom of a Utah crevice to this day.

  1. Gerald’s Game

Mike Flanagan’s 2017 Stephen King adaptation is built upon an elegantly simple scenario: After Gerald (Bruce Greenwood) and Jessie (Carla Gugino) begin a romantic getaway in a remote cabin, he manacles her to a bed for kinky fun, then dies of a heart attack with the handcuff keys beyond her reach. How will she free herself? I won’t spoil the ending, except to say that she commits an act I’ve never seen another movie character do. It traumatized me for days. And it introduced me to an unwelcome word: degloving. Carla Gugino, you are cinema’s ultimate self-surgery badass, and I hope you’ll understand if I’d rather not shake your hand.

Film Self-Surgery Art

Art by Heather Benjamin

Is Conservatism the New Punk?

After the last presidential election, some music commentators believed they had discovered the possibility of a silver lining: “Punk will be better under Trump.”

We figured that would be the most inane subculture-concerned assertion this decade—at least among those takes that gained a modicum of currency. Nope. Something else had surfaced a little earlier, but seemed destined to shrivel of its own inanity. That didn’t happen. “Conservatism is the new punk” emerged, gained a bit of traction in select right-wing quarters, and now floats like a U-boat moored in a fetid bay of discourse as we approach the next election.

Now, knowing how much those in these aforementioned quarters value the “vigorous exchange of ideas,” or whatever it is they call misgendering trans people and mocking school-shooting survivors, I won’t simply counter this absurd claim by telling these ahistorical nerds to go fuck a jackboot. I will instead try to counter their attempts to appropriate God’s greatest one-chord wonder, punk, with the intellectual dark web’s own cuddly toy—logic.

First, a concession. Punk, as both fashion and music, has always had a huge reactionary strain. As was pointed out by right-winger Kurt Schlichter in his 2014 column, “Conservatism Is the New Punk Rock” (which, by the way, predated English vlogger Paul Joseph Watson’s now-infamous use of the phrase), the Ramones—arguably the first punk band, if you, incorrectly, ignore Peru’s Los Saicos—had a right-leaning member. Johnny Ramone was a Reagan-loving Republican.

And while much of early punk’s use of fascistic imagery was driven largely by a petulant need to shock, there was barely any time between punk’s popular inception and the rising of entirely fash movements like Rock Against Communism. If anything, punk arguably would have happily remained a debauched art-school exercise in pissing off the libs if the right’s rise within it hadn’t forced a response. After all, hating the hippies back then was de rigueur.

Conservatives could use punk’s failure to always live up to its self-mythology if they weren’t more invested in rhetorical points than the music. Though I suppose the admission, “Actually, I don’t just listen to the first Skrewdriver” would be saying the quiet part loud.

Of course, men like Paul Joseph Watson are more interested in the cultural cachet of being truth-bomb-dropping Henry Rollinses of the right than in engaging with punk as art. Like Gavin McInnes, Dave Rubin, and all the others who have staked their intellectual reputations on pure reactionarism, Watson is interested in the idea of “PUNK RAWK”—an almost baby boomer-ish fairy tale of absolute freedom combined with a baby’s inclination to paint the walls with its own shit. Punk reduced to the Sex Pistols and GG Allin thrusting out their middle fingers like beads thrown at Mardi Gras. Watson latches onto John Lydon—onetime Johnny Rotten of the Pistols—big-upping Brexit as though the Clash hadn’t already presciently addressed this with “He who fucks nuns will later join the church.”

The Paul Watsons of the infosphere so badly want the rickety equation “conservatism = the new punk rock” to

be dictum that they’re, by necessity,    happy to wipe away any rational history   of the genre—good and bad.

The fact that punk has always been an amorphous mess of ideas, with ideological and anti-ideological strains shooting off willy-nilly across any and all spectrums, is not a useful concept if your entire argument is predicated upon taking away something you suppose the opposition values. This isn’t a coherent position—it’s just hoping to hurt the feelings of some random girl with a bunch of piercings.

Watson and his ilk’s central thesis is that “The Left” (and, within that vague designation, socialism, PC culture, the mainstream media, etc.) is the monolith culture, so anything that offends this oppressive mass is, by some mathematical property I’m not familiar with, punk.

The obvious retort to this is that cops aren’t on the left, and the police are not punk. And, brother, Watson and his ilk sure as shit love cops. The alt-right is joined in this affection by the mainstream media and the vast majority of Democrats in national office. I won’t use this limited space to debate the merits of the prison industrial complex and a fully militarized police force, but I think we can/should all agree that, with the exception of Joe from The Queers—and while conceding that some leftist punks sure seem to have the souls of cops—there’s nothing punk about loving actual, uniformed, backed-by-state-and-truncheon cops. At the risk of complicating the argument with unasked-for nuance, even any skinhead worth his boots and braces hates cops. (Please note the 1982 British punk song “A.C.A.B.” by notorious PC police, The 4-Skins.)

One thing the right does share with punk is a sense of being picked on. But, while punks felt harassed by forces ranging from the existential (religion, the past, Texas hicks in pickup trucks) to the political (first the Labour Party, then Thatcher; and in the U.S., Jerry Brown and Reagan both), the new right feels put upon by a loosely defined cultural “mob.”

But the “mob” is what it always was—a fickle, largely split-down-the-middle, politically unknowable, and unpredictable wave. Bari Weiss gets yelled at and Marc Lamont gets fired. The Covington Catholic case didn’t exactly cover anyone on the left with glory, but Gamergate and Comicsgate are ongoing shitshows with little underpinning beyond constantly shifting grievance. If the left are the new Puritans, so are the right, and so is the center, at least when it comes to things like, say, Israel. All puritans, no witches. Anyway, people always complain about the pitchfork-wielding mob, but fail to mention that in the original Mary Shelley novel, Frankenstein’s Monster did, after all, kill that kid….

Whether or not white cis men are a marginalized group is not something the left and the right will ever see eye to eye on, but it all goes back to if you want your entire existence to be defined by pure reaction. The punk rockers behind both “White Minority” (Black Flag) and “Guilty of Being White” (Minor Threat) were coming from the perspective of young white men who were occasionally hassled by (also young) minorities in the urban centers they shared. But these punks left that whining behind once they realized that they were essentially voicing the GOP national platform.

Look, mainstream culture is neither left nor right. It’s the same mix of nihilism, amoral statecraft masked by religiosity, and market-driven distraction that led our country to invade the Philippines, establish Hollywood as an exploitative world monopoly, delay our joining World War II, maintain Jim Crow (in various forms) to this day, support the 1953 Iran coup, invade Iraq, assassinate Patrice Lumumba, and occupy Afghanistan for almost two decades with minimal public attention.

Mainstream culture—beyond occasionally inconveniencing the career of some star for their use of the N-word or briefly delaying a preordained seat on the Supreme Court—gives not a damn about the left. And if it appears to hold the right in disdain, it’s only because people, for whatever reason, prefer their war propaganda with “Fortunate Son” playing over the credits.

Punk rock is, was, and always will be a profoundly dumb genre of music with a wildly rancid undercurrent. I hold no illusions about it. But it’s also the genre of music I most love, and the punk-rock “lifestyle”—partial leftist politics, drugs, cool boots, and all—is the one I am most comfortable existing on the periphery of. But, to quote England’s finest melodic hardcore band, Leatherface, I have my place in the scheme of things. And that place lies outside punk. Still, in my calcified and impotent bones, I need to defend it from this recent calumny.

It would be pretty neat to end this with a “When it all comes down to it, punk is really about…” moral. But the truth is that punk is not about anything. It was started by malcontents whose grievances spanned from the trivial to the profound. And those grievances were as disparate and slippery in 1977 as they are now. The new clarion callers of the white minority see themselves as victimized arbiters of some larger, unpopular “Truth.” That’s fine, but that’s hardly a novel self-perception.

L.A.’s Minutemen had a song called “Do You Want New Wave or Do You Want the Truth?” It asks “Should words serve the truth?…. I shout for history.” And it ends, “I am a cesspool for all the shit to run down in.”

The song doesn’t sound “punk” at all, but of course it is. It is lovely and vulgar and wildly strange. Music for the uncertain; music for those trying to get by but not just trying to get by. And certainly not at the cost of fucking over those around them. In the gutter but looking at the stars, and all that romantic pining for a greater purpose, while never denying the earthly shit of existence—that’s what this Minutemen song communicates to me.

I don’t think Paul Joseph Watson, or Kurt Schlichter, or even their intellectual dark web overlords, are worthy inheritors of such a legacy. Frankly, they’re just not complicated enough.

Art by Tara Jacoby