Military Machinations

The Modern Military: Why We Join

So, umm. Why’d you join the military?

It’s a question at the heart of military-civilian relations in contemporary America. It’s a question that can be asked all kinds of ways, in all sorts of tones, sometimes with hidden meanings, sometimes with nothing but clean, naked curiosity. And it’s a question damn near every servicemember and vet gets asked, by friends and strangers alike. I know I’ve been.

So. Umm. Why’d you join? Question mark.

Each year, somewhere in the ’hood of 180,000 people join the armed forces, either as officers or as enlisted personnel. A Pew survey from a couple years back asked post-9/11 servicemembers and veterans to name the reasons they’d originally joined up. Patriotism/serving the country was listed by an overwhelming number — almost 90 percent. Then came education opportunities like the GI Bill (77 percent), travel/the classic “see the world” hook (60 percent), and gaining skills for a post-military career (57 percent).

What I like about the survey is it allowed respondents to name multiple reasons. Out in the world, when posed that question by those aforementioned friends and strangers, it seems like only one answer can suffice, that only one answer should suffice. A pithy declaration, hopefully. After all, deciding to serve in the military is a big fucking deal, especially during a time of perpetual war. Shouldn’t someone who decided “I’ll go, send me” have one touchstone reason to satisfy the inquiring minds?

Maybe. And maybe not. Life is immense and complex, especially for young people trying to find their way. Why did your dental hygienist become a dental hygienist? How did your Uber driver end up behind the wheel? People, a lot of people, end up in the military for reasons they’re still sorting through by the time their first drill sergeant at basic greets them off the bus with a toothy sneer. But explaining all that to folks without a military background can be … messy, sometimes.

A lot of vets — myself included — have ready-made stories as a result. The stories can change depending on the environment, little verbal chameleons meant to adapt to the moment. At a dinner with my parents’ friends? I talk about my family’s history with and in military service. At a bar with my wife’s coworkers? Had to pay for college, ya dig. At a New York book party with too-precious naval-gazing assholes I feel like riling up because I’m bored and feeling the whiskey? Talk about the sweet, tender thrill of putting rounds downrange and blowing shit up. 

Nothing like the watery look of horror that gets, goddamn. It’s beautiful.

People who join the military put some thought into it before doing it (usually), even if those urban legends about waking up drunk and penniless at a recruiters’ station persist.

Anyhow, all those things are true, and work in confluence with one another. They also can contradict one another — multiple reasons and explanations can do that. Yeah, people who join the military put some thought into it before doing it (usually), even if those urban legends about waking up drunk and penniless at a recruiters’ station persist. Like the late, great Walt Whitman wrote, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”

I wanted to hear more about those multitudes from fellow vets, some still in the service, some recently (or recently-ish) out. So I asked them that notorious question, “Why’d you join the military?” Here are some of my favorite responses, cut down for space and edited for clarity.

KYLE | Military: ARMY SPECIALIST

“What is it that people say? I wasn’t ‘college material,’ I guess. My own high school counselor told me that. Where I’m from [rural Missouri], the military is a way to do something different. I was eighteen. I love my country and also wanted to be able to buy a car, help my grandmom with bills. I think I decided to join the Army way earlier than I did join, to be honest.
“I’m in college now [on the GI Bill], which is funny. My 18-year-old self would laugh. But that’s what kills me when I hear other students here talking down about the military. I saw some bad shit, but it was worth it. My family has opportunities now, and I’m proud of that.”

JACKIE | Military: FIELD-GRADE NAVAL OFFICER

“Where I come from, people only join the military if they’ve made a poor life choice — jail, serious debt, that sort of thing. That’s the perception, at least. So when my parents tell people what I’m doing and what I’ve done, they’ve learned to emphasize I’ve chosen this life because I want it. Because I’m excellent at it.”

“T” | Military: MARINE CORPS VETERAN

“I love the Corps. It’s blood after those years, bro. I want that whole funeral shit when I die — I fucking earned it. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder how life might’ve been different.

“I went to war five times–my whole twenties in those places. For what, my ex liked to ask when she wanted to fight … a good question. Didn’t want to hear it, but a good question.

“I don’t think I’d like who I’d be had I not joined the military, become a Marine. But I think life might be … not better, that’s not what I’m saying, but definitely easier. Maybe happier, if that matters at all.”

HUNTER | Military: AIR FORCE STAFF SERGEANT

“We live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I really believe that, and we’d be better off if more people remembered it. Serving, representing this flag and what it stands for every day, it’s a dream come true. I’ve wanted to do this since I was a kid.

“Now, was it important to find a good job in the service, one with technical skills that’ll transfer over to the civilian world after I retire? Of course. I also wanted to do something [in the Air Force] that I was good at, so I’m maximizing my time here. Like my uncle told me in high school, ‘They’re the military. They’re gonna get theirs from you. Might as well get something back in return.’”

TOM | Military: ARMY CAPTAIN

“Duty. Honor. Country. That’s why I joined the military. Just like the commercials say. But truthfully … I hated it most days I was in uniform. All the bureaucracy, all the middle management, all the weird taskings and orders that had nothing to do with getting soldiers ready for combat. But I miss those days, more and more, with each passing year. Getting old’s part of it. And part of it is realizing I’ll never be a part of something like it again. A unified entity. Real life’s not like that. I wish it were.”

Matt Gallagher is a U.S. Army veteran of Iraq and the author of the novel Youngblood. You can find much of Matt’s work in these digital pages, as a matter of fact, because we happen to think a lot of Matt’s work — and his sacrifice.

Pop Shots Ilan Hall

Ilan Hall Pop Shots TitleThe Penthouse World According to Ilan Hall

Top Chef season-two winner Ilan Hall made his culinary mark by fusing contrasting food cultures that are close to his heart. His restaurants in Brooklyn and L.A., the Gorbals, pay homage to his Scottish father and Israeli mother by offering such off-kilter comfort fare as bacon-wrapped matzoh balls.

His show Knife Fight turns the competition-based reality format on its braised-pig ear, giving contestants few rules and offering no prize other than bragging rights. In his interpretation of Pop Shots, Hall creates an erotic landscape with model Masuimi Max that pays tribute to his wife and partner. We should all be so lucky.

Have you ever done anything like this before?

Never in my life.

Was there any hesitation? Was this the type of opportunity that you had to talk yourself into?

No. I’m pretty open. I’m not afraid of nudity. I’ve viewed my fair share of naked photos, so it actually was … I was a little nervous leading up to it — not nervous, I just didn’t know what to expect, and it was lovely. All the people, the whole crew was great. Masuimi was great. I had a good time.

How was it, being Ilan Hall and being on-set for a Penthouse photo shoot?

Going at it from a seven-year-old’s perspective, which is when I really first started to care about boobies, there is that little kid inside of you who’s like, Oh, my God. I’m actually going to be directing a woman who is going to be naked? There was a little bit of that. But once you’re on-set, everybody’s so professional that those thoughts just completely dissolve. Not in a bad way. Just in the sense that this is a job. I took it as a job, everyone else who was working there took it as a job, and Masuimi took it as a job. Everybody was so professional and so organized that it was a different experience from what many would think. Directing a woman in various scenes and poses minus her clothes is not a sexually charged experience.

What was the inspiration or story behind you selecting Masuimi as your model?

I wanted to emulate elements of my wife. I wanted to bring in elements of why I think she’s beautiful and how much I love her. To have her be a part of this.

And Masuimi is a precise representation of your wife?

No, not at all. My wife can’t be replicated. But there were elements of inspiration within Masuimi that I love and wanted to express visually.

What were these elements of inspiration?

My wife is half Asian. Masuimi is half Asian. My wife has big, full, beautiful lips, as does Masuimi. And then I just wanted to express more of my wife’s fun and playful side.

Tattoos?

Well, my wife has a lot of tattoos. It’s a part of her that I think is beautiful.

So does your wife also have really big boobs, or was that just a happy accident?

[Laughs] I have no — what’s the word? I have no prejudice against any type of breasts. My wife has beautiful breasts. Masuimi’s are significantly larger. They’re surprisingly large for how small she is.

What do you find to be the hottest thing about your wife? What were you really trying to share?

My wife’s personality is what I love the most, and I wanted a representation of when we first met — how fun she is and how silly she can be. I fell in love with her over a joke, and I feel like that’s important. Humor in a relationship keeps it sane. I wanted the shoot to reflect the personality of who I fell in love with and why I fell in love with her.

Masuimi really seemed to open up when you told her to get a little loose.

Totally. Because Masuimi is a goofball, in a good way. My life is injected with humor, and I feel like you can’t take yourself too seriously — especially on a shoot with a woman who is naked most of the time. It’s fun, and it’s funny, and I think that is important to express.

How did the setting play into the story Ilan Hall wanted to tell?

I wanted to be in a beautiful house with a beautiful view (even though we didn’t actually use any of the view). But I wanted it to be a really pretty backdrop to a really fun event. I have a certain style and aesthetic for how I like a home. The same is true for my wife. I love mid-century architecture, and the house was just that. It had a lot of outdoor space, and it had a pool, and a beautiful view, and it had a fire pit. These are all visual elements that I love.

You were pretty particular about wardrobe as well.

Yeah. I wanted it to be sort of loose bedroom stuff, like a tank top and underwear. Not too overtly sexy, but sexy because it’s on her.

I like how you tapped into the fantasy about the strong, powerful woman who reveals her softer, sexier side behind closed doors.

[Silence]

Or maybe that’s just a fantasy I have and I’m projecting it onto you and your shoot.

My wife is incredibly successful on her own. I met her when she was already completely self-made. And it’s not even really a fantasy for me. [For] my entire life, I have had very strong women as role models, and I feel comfortable when I’m with a woman who has her own opinions. Who does not need me financially. Who is my partner rather than my property.

Is there a picture, or a scene, or a moment from the shoot that stands out to you?

I think my favorite setup was in the bedroom, because it felt like it was the most natural. It felt like the least sort of done-up in terms of.… My wife goes to work early in the morning. My son comes into our room early in the morning. So I feel like being in a bedroom — not even in a sexual way — is like being in my comfort zone in my house. So this was kind of an extension of that.

Man, I would have sworn your favorite setup was when Tammy was taking your picture in front of the fire pit. It felt like we woke up a sleeping bear.

That was my favorite scene because I do like getting sexy in front of the camera, you know.

Do you have a favorite body part?

Yes. I love my calves.

Do you have a favorite body part on a woman?

Yes. I like legs. They are very important. Masuimi has beautiful legs.

Anything jump out at you on-set as being surprisingly hot or erotic?

Yeah. Not that it was startling to me, but the best parts of the shoot were the photos that were loose and fun, when it was not too serious. Being naked and being at home should be a celebration. It should be fun. I think the fire-pit stuff was fun because when we were all laughing, the best things came out. I like the weird, silly pictures of Masuimi just smiling. I like the office ones. They’re nice and they’re beautiful shots, but they are not that fun.

Did you hold anything back?

No, I was just sort of rolling with it to see where it took us. It was a new experience for me, and I didn’t really know how it was going to go, so I just let it become what it was going to be.

In hindsight, do you wish you had done anything differently?

No. I live my life with no regrets.

That’s a pretty bold statement.

It’s true though. Listen, I try to do my best as a person, as a businessman, as a husband. I put a lot of effort into elements of my life and I learn from everything. I make mistakes, but I can’t be mad at the fact that I’ve made mistakes because I’m a human being. So, with that, I try to live my life with no regrets. I mean, I don’t like offending people. I don’t feel good about it if I say something offensive. I don’t say, “Fuck it. It happened.” But to a certain degree, you can’t kill yourself over the past. So there.

Did the shoot and the pictures meet your expectations?

I go into situations that are new to me with no expectations. And this was fun. It was great.

Sure, but seeing the photos —

It was a successful photo shoot, Raphie.

Are you giving me attitude?

[Laughs] You’re such a shitty interviewer.

I’m putting that in your article.

[Laughs] Put in whatever you want!

But seriously, Ilan, you know I’m just —

Don’t you dare apologize to me, Raphie Aronowitz.

Naturally Ilan Hall has an Instagram, because we eat with our eyes first and all that. If you’d like to involve some other senses besides vision, and you happen to be near enough to Las Angeles, we’d highly recommend you add Ramen Hood to your tour. You’ll be amazed at how vegan food can taste like … well, not what you’d guess. Like beautiful women, actually, flavor can transcend expectation.

Ilan Hall and Masuimi Max

Penthouse Pop Shots Logo

World Peace

A Piece on World Peace

“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

In 1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono formed the Plastic Ono Band, and one of their first orders of business was to release a nonsensical, schmaltz-spewing “protest” song. The word “protest” is in quotes because “Give Peace A Chance” was released during the period where John and Yoko were conducting “bed-ins.” That’s when two people book a room at a five-star hotel, stay in bed for two weeks straight, and then claim that it’s a means to end war. And you thought people that only demonstrated on Twitter were lazy.

The song consists of three chords, some half-assed lyrics, and the repeating of the title ad nauseam. The whole thing is a real lazy affair. Then again, it was written by a guy who didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But despite all of its shortcomings, what bothers me most about the tune is its sentiment: Give peace a chance. Well … I believe we have. Several chances, in fact, before and after that ass song poisoned the airwaves. And it’s quite apparent that peace has never been able to deliver. It’s not peace’s fault. Global discord is due to one simple truth: If somebody wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent.

Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles. Look at serial killers. What do they all have in common? Success! They’re all really good at what they do. Because if someone wants to be violent, they’ll figure out a way to be violent. I’m glad we manage to arrest at least some of the maniacs that commit heinous acts. It’s nice to think that once in a while a brutal, tyrannical asshole is brought to justice. However, thinking some be-all, end-all series of laws and agreements stand a chance against injustice is insane.

Worldwide peace has to start on the small scale. And if you haven’t recently checked, the small scale is a shit show. Let’s start with the basic building blocks of harmony: people. You need harmonious people to have a harmonious society. Now, with that in mind, go watch some “Black Friday” shopping videos on YouTube. You think a guy willing to head-butt a soccer mom for a PlayStation has any ability to grasp the complex concept of civility? Do people really think it’s just dismissible evidence that the last two decades have included extreme public fandom over WorldStarHipHop videos, mixed martial arts events, Affliction T-shirts, and Bumfights? Yet folks still have the nerve to act surprised when a member of Congress body-slams a reporter.

Make no mistake, I’m not holier than thou. I’ve watched “dude gets knocked-the-fuck-out” videos and laughed my balls off. When I was in Edinburgh, Scotland, I stayed up until 7 A.M. drinking, doing poppers, and screaming myself hoarse to UFC pay-per-view. I love gangster movies. I love gangster rap even more. All that said, I don’t own a gun, I don’t enjoy conflict, I’m terrified of physical altercation, and I’d really love to live in a utopia where no man or woman so much as stubs a toe. But basic logic allows me to realize that just isn’t possible.

Decency cannot be administrated, forced, or legislated. That’s why attempts to do it always fail. Evil adapts. It works its way around the hurdles.

By the way, peaceful utopias can be extremely problematic. If you don’t believe me, just watch the movie Demolition Man. In that film, everybody’s enjoying a conflict-free reality until a super-criminal played by Wesley Snipes gets thawed out of his cryogenic freeze. He starts going bat-shit — robbing, harming, killing — and everybody, including the cops, are so out of touch with violence that they have zero ability to stop him. Makes you wonder why they froze the psycho in the first place. Why didn’t they just kill him? Because they were trying not to be violent. Go figure.

Regardless, as human beings we need to be aware of what human beings are capable of. The fact that some of us only mildly indulge our baser instincts via the internet doesn’t mean the next guy will do the same. We can dream about the world we ought to be living in, but too many dreamers do it at the expense of understanding the world we’re actually living in.

The fine citizens of Demolition Man-land didn’t answer one question truthfully: How do we stop violence? With violence! You have to attack the attacker! Lying in bed, eating room service, only helps the ax-wielding maniac in his quest to kick the door in to kill you. The only defense is to harm and/or kill him back. Now he’s got you doing the exact thing you were trying to prevent. I know. This is a snake eating its tail. Point is, we need a little bit of violence. Problem is, you can’t just have a little bit. Violence is like freedom — you have to take the good with the bad. Unless we all agree to be shackled to dentist chairs with our brains plugged into fake-reality-spawning supercomputers, we have to accept that freedom allows for violence and violence is one of the reminders that we’re free.

Yeah … I’m getting a peace headache, too, so I’ll wrap this up. Violence, to a massive extent, has been happening since the beginning of time. From the cavemen clubbing one another on. But we don’t have to go back that far into history to realize the astounding amount of conflict that’s constantly occurred. You know how many wars the United States has been involved in since the year 1700? Eighty. That’s a lot. That’s a war for every year my Nana had under her belt when we had to take her car keys away. And that’s just us. God knows the level of large-scale combat that’s happened across the other 195 countries in the last 300 years. I’m sure it’s impressively depressing. Also, don’t forget to take into account all that extra, plain-old, everyday, run-of-the-mill violence: assault, rape, murder, genocide, and people biting pieces off of other people. Yet despite all this, members of every generation that comes along think they’re going to be the ones to finally stop human brutality. The arrogance of these fucking philistines.

Take away the bombs. Take away the guns. Take away the knives. None of that matters. Sick freaks will figure out a way to use anything as an instrument of death. To keep peace, remember this: If we keep making trucks and we keep making people, some of the people are going to drive the trucks into the other people. It sucks, I know, but it sucking doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Violence is like the sun. It’s harmful and it’s not going anywhere. Stop trying to block it. If you don’t wanna die, stay inside. Maybe somebody should write a song about that.

Joe DeRosa is an L.A.-based comedian, writer, director, and actor (Better Call Saul, Louie). You can find his stand-up online, along with his signature podcast, as well as “We’ll See You in Hell” and “Emotional Hangs.” Follow him on Twitter. … We’re not convinced his go out and kick some ass philosophy has much practical value, we do rather enjoy his routines. That said, maybe becoming independently wealthy would help test a different more pacifist Peace Theory. Money buys a lot of insulation, right? So we’re going to talk to the boss about that. You should too. It’ll be fine. You’ll probably be super rich next week.

As the Stupid Stew

Big Bowl of Stupid

I’ve smuggled drugs twice. I’m not proud of it. The first time was by accident (see our April issue), but the second was totally on purpose. I was being stupid, ballsy, but most of all I was broke, so I put my stash inside a condom, cut off the string of a loose tampon that was floating around in my purse, tied the string to the drug-filled condom, and shoved it up my pussy.

The driver of the car I was in was pissed. He screamed at me like Judge Judy as we pulled up to the U.S. Customs and Border inspection. This infamous checkpoint sits near the tiny town of Sierra Blanca, about 90 miles southeast of El Paso, Texas. Unless you’d driven through it before, you would have no idea it was even there. That’s how they get you. Here, the agents are looking for two things: illegal immigrants and drugs. I had a vagina full of the latter. Stupid, right?

Federal officers armed with German shepherds and M4 carbines circled our vehicle like sharks. They scanned our passports, eyeing us up and down. I sat in the back while our driver did all the talking. He fumbled for his passport. After a few quick questions, they gave us back our documents and wished us a pleasant drive. We blazed on through to freedom. I waited until we’d driven so far that the border guards appeared bite-size before I pulled out the condom.

What would I have done had I been caught? I would have been arrested like the other harmless, low-dose smugglers and probably died of embarrassment in my holding cell. But I wasn’t caught. I got lucky. Unfortunately for these other idiots, they didn’t have a horseshoe up their ass like I did.

THE STUPID SNAPCHAT DOPE DEALER

While most college students use their Snapchat accounts to morph their faces into bunnies, Jahmir Z. Mapp was using his to peddle drugs to his classmates. The 18-year-old attended East Stroudsburg University in eastern Pennsylvania, and was the school’s main supplier of pot, cocaine, and Xanax — all the necessary supplies required to complete your degree.

Apparently, the school had noticed a spike in marijuana and drug activity on campus and asked for help from the big boys. Soon, the Monroe County Drug Task Force and East Stroudsburg University Police got involved.

After trolling around campus, the authorities soon figured out that Mapp was their man. When the cops obtained a warrant, they searched his dorm room and found two dime bags and other packages of weed, all wrapped in a washcloth and dryer sheets and stashed under the bed. Everything was marked for sale.

Once Mapp was in custody, police scrolled through his phone and confirmed he was selling more than just pot. He admitted to the blow and Xanax, and that he sold about a dozen one-gram dime bags per day.

Isn’t social media supposed to elevate your image, not land you on probation? Poor Mapp. He was just getting started.

LISETTE LEE — COTORTIONIST OF STUPID

Everyone knows people in Los Angeles are full of shit. And if most of L.A. is just slightly bending reality, then Lisette Lee has pretzeled lies to sustain her life.

This twenty-something Korean-American self-proclaimed “socialite” spouted nothing but bullshit: She told people she was the heiress to the Samsung fortune, a pop star in Korea, she’d modeled for Vogue (only in Europe, of course), and had dated Leonardo DiCaprio and Channing Tatum. She let it be known she was rich as fuck. She said her parents were elusive billionaires who left her with a Mercedes, a penthouse apartment, and endless cash. Lee also told anyone who’d listen that she grew up in the one-percent club of Beverly Hills, where she attended private school with the likes of Paris Hilton and, as Lee said, “that fat Armenian” Kim Kardashian. 

Of course it was all complete crap. Lee’s entire existence was fake. None of this garbage talk made her famous. She got her star moment when she was busted for trafficking weed in June of 2010.

After befriending, and beginning to sleep with, an aspiring young  drug dealer named David Garrett, Lee became intrigued by the money Garrett knew he could make trafficking cannabis from California to Ohio. Problem was, he had no way to get the pot there. Lee had a solution: hire a charter jet.

For months, Lee and six coconspirators hauled almost 7,000 pounds of pot from the Van Nuys Airport to Columbus, Ohio. The plane reeked of weed, and, again, like all novice drug dealers, they quelled the problem with dryer sheets and Febreze. Everything went according to plan until Lee’s own lies cost her the operation. She got sloppy and accidentally told the same Van Nuys Airport employee three different times that she was moving to Columbus.

On the sixth trip, the DEA was waiting when Lee’s plane landed in Columbus. Apparently, it was quite the scene with Lee protesting in handcuffs, “But what will I wear in jail?” The cops seized 500 pounds of shrink-wrapped weed, as well as the contents of Lee’s designer purse: a scribbled drug ledger tallying up $300,000 worth of goods, three cellphones, $6,500 in cash, and a little bag of cocaine (for good measure).

Lee was sent to prison (which she lovingly referred to as “a low-end boarding school”) and swore that her comeback would be bigger and badder than ever. “I am utilizing this ‘vacation’ at the government resort as a learning experience and polishing up my tennis and yoga,” she told Rolling Stone. “I’m truly loving it.”

Clearly, she learned her lesson.

THE STUPID MOROCCANS WHO UNLOADED ONTO A   SPANISH BEACH

Back in June of 2015, a bunch of Moroccan men took the phrase “hiding in plain sight” to the next level when they unloaded 3,306 pounds of cannabis resin onto a densely populated Spanish beach.

At around 6 P.M. on a Friday, a mysterious black boat pulled up to the shore of El Burgo in La Linea, which is at the southern tip of Gibraltar, only nine miles across from Morocco. This makes Gibraltar a drug hub for cannabis coming from Morocco, as well as cocaine, which is trafficked all the way from South Africa.

As the men, some in wet suits, unloaded suitcase after suitcase onto the sand, tourists working on their goldens perked up and gaped. One guy whipped out his smartphone and started filming.

Okay, so maybe these guys got away with it—for now. But it was such a bold, cool move, kind of like the way Ricky from Trailer Park Boys would just walk into a hardware store, pick up what he wanted to steal (usually something massive like a shed, or lawn furniture), and, if questioned, he’d make up some story about being part of a maintenance crew or an off-duty mall cop.

When someone does something so unusual right out in the open, people assume it must be protocol. Why else would such insanity be tolerated?

Sadly we do not get to hear the end of the Spanish beach story, what with space limitations reigning supreme in print publications and all. That said, Mish billed herself as “the smartest dumb blonde ever … [who] also fronts the band White Lung, loves bacon, and TYPING IN ALL CAPS.” Obviously the rest of the story was not important. … By this point, of course, we have learned that “stupid is as stupid does” so we can all live our lives via Forrest Gump quotes and be happy, even as we mourn the death of its author. … Now Mish did not die, but since she has moved on from Penthouse, we can confess that there are those of us that miss her wit, irreverence, and unique view of the world. Besides, being the smartest dumb blonde left in the building carries a lot of pressure.

Pet Party 2024

Penthouse Pet Party 2024

They were full of porn stars and worldwide published models. I told Daddy Hof, “One day, I am going to be one of those girls dancing at one of those parties!”

He chuckled and replied, “Why would you want that when I can throw you a party here?” Now, he technically wasn’t wrong as D knew how to party and was an all-time icon. My 21st birthday was a dirty princess party. Whatever you are imagining, you are correct. And you are welcome.

“Good riddance.” I say, as we seem to be finally moving past the pandemic, which ended all parties. Let’s fast forward to this summer of ‘24; invitations were sent out, phones were blowing up, outfit selections began, and the girls were ecstatic. I woke up early to find the entire Penthouse family already setting up for us. Rich cobblestone walkways, a glistening icy blue pool with fountains, and an outdoor brunch of mimosas paired with hors d’oeurves. Of course we can’t forget the iconic “Penthouse Photo Op” backdrops or the camera crews ready to shoot all of our insatiable models — myself included.

Kenna James, Pet of the Year ‘15, walked into Pet Party 2024 wearing a dreamy bohemian two-piece summer fit that tightly hugged her toned body. Pet of the Year Runner-Up 2021 Meaghan Stanfill was wearing a white two-piece set with a low V cut, showing just enough cleavage to make our eyes wander. Then two Pets of the Month from 2021, Miss Vanna Bardot (January) and Cherie Noel (August), came blazing in with smoke-show attire. Vanna’s dress flared red hot, short enough to see some cheek, her skin radiating with a constant glow. Miss Noel boasted a neon-orange designer bikini and mini skirt that hugged her curves in all her right places.

Also in attendance, our current Pet of the Year, Tahlia Paris graced us with an erotic, barely-there white poolside dress. With her shining platinum diamond key of course and her nipples fighting to be held under the little amount of fabric given. The 2023 Pet Playoffs have been underway, and the beauty that surrounded me was breathtaking. Renee Olstead (January) wearing cut-off jean shorts and a golden metallic halter that matched her key perfectly, Mia Ventura (July) wearing a two-piece vibrant hand-crocheted bikini, Roxy Shaw (October) who wore country paisley in lace bell bottoms, and Sophi Summers (December) sported an artistic transparent art-deco micro dress.

Rounding out the even were two of our newest Pet additions for ‘24 Miss Kassie Wallis (March) and Miss Elly Clutch (April). Kassie sported a high thigh slit coverup with nothing on underneath, whereas Elly came out of a storybook in a soft flower-patterned skirt with a matching bralette. These girls came dressed to impress – and knocked it out of the park. It was nice fawning over them while I practiced my mermaid skills in the pool.

Bikini to be available soon. Butt, probably not, honestly.

Full disclosure, Penthouse spoils us Pets to the fullest. Our liege, Moose, asked for a moment of our time before it was impossible to round up our kittens. Have you ever tried to herd a bunch of kittens? Trust me when I say it is the same experience in the industry. Chaotic and absolutely adorable. … Moose persevered, though.

Penthouse prides itself on good relationships where we can lean on our family no matter the circumstance. If you have ever wondered what separates an empire from a run-of-the-mill corporate greed-filled company, well, now you know.

So everyone at Pet Party 2024 had heightened emotions as we all listened to Moose share his passion for the company, how deeply he believes in our models, and that he encourages each of us to aim high in our career goals, to see how great we may become. His biggest note, though, came in assuring us all that we never have to walk alone if we do not want prefer. Penthouse will be there for us.

It would be a significant understatement simply to say that our models maintain busy schedules. We rarely have moments to be vulnerable and almost never get to talk amongst ourselves on intimate levels. We did, however, on this day.

After Moose, Sam Phillips took a turn to speak. When I met Sam in 2019, receiving my first tour at the Penthouse corporate office, I thought, “Crews switch out all the time, and I’m probably never going to see her again.”

I mean that with no disrespect, understand. The industry works with a no-days-off shoot cycle, so we’re constantly surrounded by new faces and places.

Fast forward and I saw Sam at my Pet of the Month shoot, then Caligula, then my Pet of the Year shoot, and then on more sets. I realized pretty quickly that Miss Sam Phillips qualifies as essential – she always has been (and probably will be) – ever since the days when she graced the pages as a Pet herself back in 1993. It was beautiful hearing her admiration for Penthouse and the years of labor she has put into our Pets.

I live for being sappy myself, but the mushy feels resonated among all of us. But then … It was now party time! Mascara was wiped from our eyes, goodie bags of unreleased bikinis were handed out, and photographers were itching to snap killer shots of everyone. While Pets took turns being in front of a camera, it left time for others to catch up and some of us even to meet for the first time. I know what you are thinking, “What important conversations could a bunch of models have that could be relatable to a reader like me?”

People say success can be lonely, but I find that life can be lonely in general. Oftentimes we will look up to discover ourselves behind a facade both paraded around and weaponized. “You’re beautiful, I bet your life is perfect”.

New flash: It isn’t. Reality never lives up to fantasy, and we’re all just people. That said, while no life may be “perfect” as such, standing together in unison makes a community stronger. The Pet Party 2024 gave us a chance to remember that. We need to nurture our basic human need of wanting to feel heard. Whether not scheduling enough self-care or mental care, basic body insecurities, job opportunities lost, personal family dynamics, navigating how to make dreams a reality, and the state of our country, all were topics we all felt safe enough to share amongst our family. Knowing they would be listened to, validated, and understood. Sympathy is fine. Empathy is better.

Numbers were traded, content was shot, and plans for more shoots among us Pets were made. We all said goodbye with open arms and warm hugs. Many of them were Minnesota goodbyes which turned into a Pet sleepover. The vision created was executed successfully and we all await the next invite with our heels by the door and keys on our necks. This is the beginning of a new era for Penthouse. Our family supports each other, helps each other, and spends time with each other. This is what sets us apart from the rest. Until next time, kisses.

–Lacy Lennon
Pet of the Year 2020

Pet Party 2024 — (L-R) Cherie Noel, Roxy Shaw, Tahlia Paris, Meghan Stanfill, Renee Olstead, Lacy Lennon, Elly Clutch, Sophi Summers (high), Mia Ventura (low), Kassie Wallis ... not pictured: buncha drooling people

Lacy talks a bit about busy schedules, but even that notice may be a little difficult to absorb for those of us in the “normal-looking” world. Imagine being young, beautiful, sexually adventurous, and making your living (for now) off of those attributes first and foremost. The demands on your time quickly become overwhelming, so the fact that Penthouse somehow managed to get a dozen of these special women at a specific place in Los Angeles at a specific time sort of borders on magical. Then again, also as Lacy illuminates, being able to spend time with a group of people that understand your life exactly tends to be a rare treat.

Now obviously you can look up any of these models — many in these very pages — we thought we get your brains functioning in a precise direction regarding specifically the 2024 winners. As you may recall Kassie Wallis (March) and Elly Clutch (April) both attended the gathering to meet some new sisters on this day. While the public vote for 2024 Pet of the Year — with 2023 Pets, just to continue the historic confusion surrounding the title — has completed, both of these ladies will be in the running for 2025 when that vote goes live around Valentine’s Day (+/- or so, hypothetically). Might as well get a jump on your research we figure. As research projects go, extrapolating from the Pet Party 2024 beats the heck out of some projects you’ve probably had.

Oh, and in case you don’t know either, we had to look up what “Minnesota Goodbye” might be. Turns out it’s not a bunch of people bitching about the Packers before they go home, but that would be our experience, for the record.

Confidentially, Julie K. Smith

Julie K. Smith — Pet Confidential

Julie K. Smith - Kiss and an AutographI used to run with a pack of sexy Pets (including Julie) back in the day when I was a centerfold. Penthouse has been around in the United States for 45 years, and thousands of women apply annually to be in the magazine, but only 12 have the distinct honor of being published each year. That puts Penthouse Pets in an elite group of glamour models.

After appearing in the magazine, all the girls get great opportunities to work together, doing photo shoots, videos and promotions for the company all over the country, and the world. You end up becoming close, like sisters in the same family, taking lots of road trips together. That was where Julie K. Smith and I truly bonded.

Fast-forward two decades, and here I am in the same car with my old-school best friend, Julie Smith, Penthouse Pet for February 1993. We are headed to Palm Springs from Los Angeles to work a bikini car wash charity event and a burlesque show benefitting BOO2Bullying, a 501(c)(3) anti-bullying organization where I serve on the board of directors.

Not a lot has changed with Julie’s and my friendship over time, but at “40-somthing” years of age, she remains a sexy Pet Cougar who’s looking hotter than ever. … To get a sense of her great personality, you can always check out archived online blog. Last, but never least, you can still follow her on Instagram, which will provide other pertinent links as well.

Now obviously Julie contributed to this day with more than simply her ebullient essence, Consequently, we can now share…

26 Things You Did Not Know About Julie

  1. I hate Chinese food, but I can eat it with my toes (using chop sticks).
  2. I usually carry about 10 pairs of shoes in my car at all times. In case you didn’t guess, I have a foot fetish.
  3. My tits are insured. (By a German company, for an undisclosed amount.)
  4. I’m known worldwide for my signature dish … Holy Tacos. It’s all about my secret sauce.
  5. I’m an Army brat and traveled the world growing up.
  6. My favorite color is purple.
  7. I’m a music aficionado. I can quote any song, and I can even play some guitar.
  8. My favorite place on Earth would be in the desert — specifically, Joshua Tree.
  9. I am one of four girls to have shot both a Penthouse and Playboy centerfold.
  10. I always sleep with a pillow between my legs.
  11. I love to drink pickle juice. I never waste a drop.
  12. I’m an excellent driver … It’s never been my fault!
  13. I love to ride the swings. The higher the better.
  14. I was in the longest running review show in Las Vegas called “Splash.” I am a fish out of water.
  15. I have a degree in Marriage and Family, Mental Health, and Drug and Alcohol Counseling.
  16. I was personal assistant for Cher for many years.
  17. I have spent years working in retail.
  18. When I’m tired I twist the corner of my baby blanket. Yes … still.
  19. I don’t watch TV. I’d rather read a book.
  20. I call my pussy my “China” because I couldn’t pronounce vagina when I was young, and it just sort of stuck.
  21. If I could have one dying wish, it would be to have a threesome with Keith Richards and the late Gram Parsons.
  22. I’m a sex addict. I fall in love too easily, but I don’t say I love you, easily.
  23. I was the first Penthouse Pet to tattoo the Penthouse key logo on my body.
  24. I’ve always had a secret crush on Penthouse Pet Janine Lindemulder. I guess it’s not a secret anymore.
  25. If I die tomorrow … the best thing I ever did was creating my daughter, Chellsi Blu.

2024 UPDATE: “In 2015 I went on a road trip across the States for 3 years and ended up in Cocoa Beach, FL for a bit — eventually coming to reside in AZ. I have pretty much retired from the business with the exception of my OF where I post exclusive pics and occasionally do dick rating 🤪 … I’m currently staying busy by working as an Assistant to a friend and her husband. In my spare time working on my memoir and loving my current life.”

We did a little digging around, and you can find some of Julie’s work for free on TUBI, so that’s fun. As of this writing, the site listed three movies — More Mercy, Day of the Warrior, Return to Savage Beach — and having heard some stories from Sam, we have zero problem feeling like Julie would have been perfect for whatever role they chose for her under these titles. The really sad part for some of us was that in a bygone era, we had a crew staying at the Riviera regularly, so we ended up seeing “Splash” multiple times without ever knowing Julie K. Smith. … She probably missed us, right? Always felt like there was just a little something missing?

Charlie Dent

Put a Dent in it: FIGHTING FOR THE MIDDLE

Representing Pennsylvania’s 15th District, Allentown native Charlie Dent has always fought for the middle ground in times of extremism. He talks truth to power. He’s doing it right now, in the Age of Trump. I wish I had Dent’s balls.

Imagine the scene: He’s there in the White House with some fellow Republican members of Congress, waiting, when in walks the President of the United States, a man who has devoted so much energy to making himself appear larger than life — dominant, fully in charge, not to be opposed. And now Trump gets to sit at that grand Oval Office desk, made of timbers from the HMS Resolute, and sign any executive order he wants, command the U.S. military, and affect millions of lives with a word.

The White House is famed as the greatest home-court advantage in the world. Its symbolic power can overwhelm some people. But it’s always a mistake to count on that image. It depends on the audience. During my time as a White House correspondent, I saw that magic fizzle sometimes. Even for Ronald Reagan, who until now was the most skilled performer to hold down the biggest role in the world.

On this mid-March day, the current office-holder didn’t at all look like someone who held an advantage over visitors. Instead, President Donald J. Trump looked seriously uncomfortable and pissed. And when his eyes fell on Dent, he looked truly pissed.

The real-estate magnate turned leader of the free world was frustrated. He assumed that members of Congress in his own party would line up to give him the huge win he had promised on the campaign trail. “I will repeal and replace Obamacare!” he’d bellowed over and over as he crisscrossed the nation.

Not so fast. The day before this convocation at the White House, Congressman Charlie Dent had told reporters that he would not be supporting Trumpcare.

As he sat across from the 57-year-old father of three, President Trump was realizing he might be denied the politically orgasmic moment of a big early victory and the momentum it could bring him for the rest of his legislative agenda. He looked away from Representative Dent, pitched party unity to the group, and essentially waited for applause but got none. According to a report from CNN, Trump then asked the representatives to tell him, one by one, if they were supporting his bill. When he got to Dent, the centrist Republican said no. Not the answer Trump wanted. “Why am I even talking to you?” he rumbled. The words spilled out of his mouth like acid reflux.

Dent knew damn well why he’d been invited to the White House. Trump desperately needed him and the rest of a group of 54 moderate Republicans he cochairs to vote in favor of Trumpcare. Dent’s coalition of like-minded Republicans is called the Tuesday Group. Its members make up 20 percent of the Republicans in the House of Representatives.

Dent knew Trump had brought him and selected Tuesday Group moderates into his office in hopes of charming or intimidating them into changing their positions from “no” to “yes.” The president may have thought he was in surefire deal-maker mode that day, but his performance fell flat. And he’s not used to that kind of failure. On the contrary, he’s used to “knockin’ ’em dead,” as his show-business colleagues like to say.

Trump remains intoxicated by how well his act played on the campaign trail. He continues to imagine that his aggression and big talk will get results, and when that doesn’t happen, it freaks him out. If Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner are not there to calm him down, anything can come out of his mouth or get typed in a tweet.

Trumpcare critics called it a heartless piece of legislative stink that would have stuffed cash into the pockets of Trump’s rich pals while dropping 24 million Americans from health insurance. These millions would have included many voters who’d sent Charlie Dent to Congress to watch their backs. Before he sat in that room with Trump, the congressman had issued some blunt words expressing his opposition to the bill — words that made it clear the president was not going to have an easy time bringing Dent around.

“I cannot support the bill and will oppose it,” he stated plainly. “I believe this bill, in its current form, will lead to the loss of coverage and make insurance unaffordable for too many Americans, particularly for low-to-moderate income and older individuals.” Such an assessment perfectly squared with the findings of our leading authority on these matters, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office.

“We have,” Dent continued, “an important opportunity to enact reforms that will result in real health care transformation — bringing down costs and improving health outcomes. This legislation,” he added of Trumpcare, “misses the mark.”

When Dent reaffirmed his decision to vote against it, Trump hardened. He looked at the congressman and reportedly blared, “You are destroying the Republican Party!”

Trump then said Dent’s opposition to Trumpcare would also kill his chances of winning passage of the lopsided anti-middle-class tax bill that Trump calls a “tax reform” package. And he let the congressman know he’d blame him, personally, if the tax bill failed.

Dent listened respectfully to President Trump, who appeared flummoxed that he wasn’t getting his way. It’s not that Dent set out to demonstrate to the president that there were limits to his persuasive powers when it came to legislators, no matter the party. It’s that Dent was committed to doing what he could to stop the president from pushing a bill that he believed would harm constituents of Pennsylvania’s 15th Congressional District — the children, women, and men Dent was elected to serve.

“This legislation,” Dent said of Trumpcare, “misses the mark.”

President Trump craved major legislative accomplishments in his first hundred days.

On the campaign trail, he repeatedly spoke of how much he’d get done right out of the gate. To keep his promises, he needed not only to pass an Obamacare replacement and start “reforming” the tax code, but he also needed immediate action on that “great wall” between the U.S. and Mexico that Mexico was going to pay for.

But President Trump was caught off-guard by the challenges of repealing and replacing Obamacare. “Nobody knew health care could be so complicated!” he famously declared. Well, nobody except Dent and anyone else in government who had ever tried to extend medical services to the poor and those with preexisting conditions.

Unlike Dent, a lifelong moderate and student of diplomacy and governance (he has a master’s degree in Public Administration), Trump seems to have no self-generated political or ideological core. He flows into whatever looks to him like a pathway to victory. Which is why it was easy for him to go from insulting NATO and China to embracing both, and from declaring for years that America should not get involved in Syria to suddenly launching 59 cruise missiles into a Syrian Air Force base.

Charlie Dent, on the other hand, works from a foundation of guiding principles that have served him and the people of the 15th District in good stead since 2004, when he was first elected to Congress. When asked about the White House confrontation, Dent said, “My bottom line is this: This discussion has been far too much about artificial timelines, arbitrary deadlines, all to affect the baseline on tax reform. This conversation should be more about the people whose lives are going to be impacted by our decisions on their health care.”

Before Dent and other Republican moderates met with Trump that day, the president had already run into trouble with the House Freedom Caucus — a collection of three-dozen or so very conservative members. They demanded that Trumpcare (officially, the American Health Care Act) drop even more benefits than its authors had proposed. Trump offered to meet them halfway to get the bill passed.

In Dent’s view, these maneuvers were disconnected from reality.

“A lot of the concessions that the White House is making at the end of this process were to try to appease…the hard right on essential health benefits and other issues,” the congressman reflected, “all to placate people who are not going to vote for the bill anyway. And by doing that, they ended up alienating more people on the center right, or moderates. That was really what happened.”

Dent believes there is simply no way to successfully and durably reform health care without cooperation from the other party. In addressing this specifically, he looked back to what the Obama-led Democrats did in 2010 when they passed their bill with minimal Republican support: “We as Republicans should not make the same mistakes that the Democrats did in 2010 by muscling that law through. I voted against it. We, the Republicans, are attempting to make the same mistake.”

Trump and his allies are quite capable of doing serious, even career-ending, electoral damage to any Republican who displeases him. And Congressman Dent has displeased Trump over and over again.

It started with the primary campaign. Initially, Dent believed Trump would never get near the nomination. Then, as millions of working-class whites and a gaggle of billionaires rallied around his fear-based messaging about Muslims, the border, China, and more, along with his promises of returning jobs to the Rust Belt, repealing Obamacare, and lowering taxes, Dent felt compelled to step up as moderate Republicans before him had when demagogues tried to play one group of Americans against others.

Dent said Trump’s rhetoric, which he labeled “incendiary,” made it impossible for him to remain silent. He would not vote for the Republican nominee, he said, and suggested that others in his party should write in someone else as well.

Fast-forward to Trump’s first days in office, and the following three words from Charlie Dent: “This is ridiculous!” That was his reaction to the first White House attempt at banning Muslims from entering the U.S. under the guise of preventing terrorism.

“I guess I understand what [Trump’s] intention is, but unfortunately [his] executive order appears to have been rushed through without full consideration,” Dent continued. “You know, there are many, many nuances of immigration policy that can be life-or-death for many innocent, vulnerable people around the world.”

It needs to be said that Charlie Dent is no wuss on terrorism. Almost seven years earlier, in 2010, he introduced a House Resolution calling on the U.S. State Department to issue a Certificate of Loss of Nationality to the only American leader of Al Qaeda, Anwar al-Awlaki, probably the group’s most effective English-language recruiter, and a player in bin Laden’s organization before the 9/11 attacks. Dent emphasized that al-Awlaki had essentially renounced his citizenship by his many treasonous acts. Less than a year later, President Obama assassinated al-Awlaki with a drone strike in Yemen.

Dent’s Allentown constituents include Syrian-Americans. They are patriotic U.S. citizens grateful to be part of the American tapestry — that collection of the world’s races, colors, cultures, and religions that keeps reenergizing our country. Many people are surprised when they learn that Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, was the son of a Syrian immigrant father. Immigrants bring to America a powerful desire to succeed and that benefits everyone.

For Syrian-Americans in Dent’s district, watching the horrors of the civil war in their homeland unfold on TV has been almost too much to bear. Some of them had been working for years to get their relatives out of that living hell. Finally — just as Trump was taking office — a number of these Syrian hopefuls who’d been fully vetted by the State Department were on their way to safety and freedom in the U.S. Celebrations were planned. Houses were purchased for the new arrivals. Their relations were excited to welcome their kin to better lives in America.

Then, President Trump was inaugurated, moved into the White House, and before long, he issued his first Muslin ban executive order. It included an immediate freeze on Syrians entering the United States. Whether he knew it or not, Trump was shattering the lives of innocent human beings, including some of Dent’s people.

Before Trump announced his ban, Syrian families were making their way out of a land of great beauty and historical richness turned slaughterhouse by Assad and his Russian and Iranian allies, and by ISIS in the territories they controlled. Some of these families were actually aboard planes bound for new lives as Trump was rolling out his order. Two of those families were traveling together on a flight to Philadelphia. As they’d boarded their plane in the Middle East, their hearts filled with joy, hope, and no small amount of relief. They had no idea what was about to happen to them.

When these families landed at Philadelphia International Airport, agents of the U.S. government — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers — stopped them cold when they presented their passports and told them they could not enter the country because the President of the United States had so ordered.

“I do not support Muslim bans,” said Dent. “I do not support Muslim registries.”

The ICE agents were confused because of the sloppy way the executive order had come down to them. They had never seen anything like it. The refugees — after their long journey and arrival in America — were in tears as they were ordered to wait until they could be loaded onto the next plane headed back to the Middle East.

These Syrian families were in a state of shock. They had been through the rigorous State Department vetting process for almost fourteen years. They had their visas. They weren’t even Muslims; they were Christians. Trump’s executive order contained language making it easier for Christians to enter. But these families were Syrians and Trump’s order specifically barred anyone from Syria — Christian or Muslim, it didn’t matter. The two families who’d reached Pennsylvania could not comprehend that their lives had just been upended again by forces out of their control.

Their dreams of a better life in America had sustained them through frustration, fear, danger, pain, anger, and despair. And now they’d been blindsided by a fear-and-politics-driven betrayal of the promise of an America symbolized by the copper statue in New York Harbor.

On the other side of the airport’s immigration reception hall, their American relatives could not believe what was going on. A stunned Sarah Assali told a reporter from radio station WHYY: “We brought them here for a better future. But we’re also…taking them away from, you know, a war zone where they don’t have food, and they don’t have water. And you don’t even know when you’re going to have electricity next.”

The Assalis didn’t need to reach out to their congressman. They were already connected to him.

“My son and I visited their home last night,” Congressman Dent said the next day on National Public Radio. “Well, here’s what happened. Their family members had arrived from Syria via Beirut via Oman-Amman, Jordan via Doha, Qatar, and then into Philadelphia. They arrived in Philly at about 7:45 A.M. I became aware of the situation around ten o’clock from my son, who happened to know the family well. He went to high school with one of them. He — my son — contacted me. And I got a hold of the family. And bottom line is, we tried to find out the status of the family.”

But Dent could do nothing.

Trump’s order cast the six innocent, fully vetted Syrians as threats to America by dint of their nationality. ICE agents had no choice. Three hours after the two Syrian families deplaned from a long, exhausting flight from the Middle East, they were escorted onto another plane by federal officers who were doing their best to follow the strangest order they had ever received. The six Syrians flew back to Qatar. It was only hours later that a federal judge reviewed the ban and shut it down.

The whole situation struck Congressman Dent as not only inhumane but an example of poor governance. “They have their paperwork in order for a green card,” he stated. “They were to be greeted and then taken up here to Allentown where the family purchased a home for them and furnished it and, you know, was waiting for them. This family has been in process since about 2003…long before the Syrian civil war.

“This executive order was not properly processed,” continued Dent. “You know, the departments of Defense, State, Homeland Security, and Justice I don’t believe were consulted in a meaningful way. I urged the administration to halt enforcement of the order until a more thoughtful and deliberate policy could be instated…. What has me somewhat bewildered [is] why, you know, this has gone into effect the way it did. Because the family that I’m dealing with is a Christian family…. [They] were in flight when this order was announced and apparently then enforced. It just struck me as very unfair.”

During the presidential campaign, Dent flat-out opposed Trump’s racial and religious fearmongering. It was one of the reasons he publicly declared he could not vote for him after he became the nominee. And he was equally blunt about a policy singling out one religion. “I do not support Muslim bans,” said Dent. “I do not support Muslim registries.” And when it came to the two Syrian families swept up in the hastily implemented ban, Dent observed: “They were immigrants…that had gone through the proper channels. Everything was done legally, lawfully; they spent thousands of dollars. People who are in that situation are being prevented from coming in.”

The Muslim travel ban was part of Trump’s campaign appeal, crafted by none other than Steve Bannon, former ideological leader of the current GOP zombie apocalypse who helped bring about Trump’s victory. Bannon is the polar opposite of Dent.

“Deconstructing the administrative state” is Bannon’s stated top priority. That roughly translates into destroying all the agencies of government that help and protect people from the predations of the soulless and powerful — like the Environmental Protection Agency preventing polluters from poisoning poor communities downstream from mines and factories.

Instead of destroying those agencies, Congressman Dent wants them to work more effectively and efficiently. Instead of working to deny people their civil rights, as Bannon and his co-conspirator Attorney General Jeff Sessions plan to do, Dent is a champion of expanding rights — especially for the LGBTQ community.

Dent has repeatedly called upon his party — the GOP — to engage in the nitty-gritty of governance, which requires stepping back from hard-edged ideologies to create a cooperative space in which the business of the people gets done. He’s even gone so far as to declare it’s time to “marginalize” House Republicans who “don’t want to govern” but prefer to rage on under the banner of their own right-wing version of moral/political purity. As Dent plainly put it, “We have to get our act together.”

When the ill-conceived Trumpcare went down in flames stoked by Dent and others, right-wing commentators saw a much bigger defeat. As Liz Peek wrote on the Fox News website: “It is the young Trump presidency…that takes the biggest hit here. Trump was elected because people across the political spectrum thought he could fix some of our problems. He was the businessman who could import common sense to Washington, and the deal-maker who could bring people together. He made big promises; a country tired of stalemate and disappointment believed that he could bring back jobs, reduce our debt, build the wall, find a better health care solution. His credibility and credentials now lie in tatters. All that optimism that has stoked the stock market and boosted investment plans — all that may fade.”

Then came a second version of Trumpcare and the president twisted enough arms to squeak it past the House. Trump took a victory lap as though he had just repealed and replaced Obamacare, when in fact there was little reason to expect that the Senate would conspire in this travesty. But many people with preexisting conditions across the nation began to panic, putting their already fragile health in even greater and unnecessary danger.

Within minutes of the House vote and Trump’s wildly premature chest-thumping, Dent spoke truth to power again, declaring: “I am disappointed that the House passed this bill, which I believe will increase health insurance costs — particularly for low- to moderate-income Americans — increase the number of uninsured by … as many as 24 million people, and undermine important protections for those living with preexisting conditions. It is my hope that cooler heads will prevail in the Senate and that they will produce a better bill that is focused on improving health care for all Americans.”

It is Dent’s basic decency, his grasp of the issues, his honesty and courageous clarity that make him and his Tuesday Group a political threat to the extremists within the party the president is supposed to lead, and to Steve Bannon’s grandiose plans to smash every good thing the federal government has created, beginning with FDR’s New Deal in 1933.

If Trump continues to fail to deliver his promised legislative agenda, Dent’s moderate Republican voice could become even more influential, and that would only be good for his party and for the nation we all love.

Jeff Kamen doesn’t drink because, as he says, “It messes with my aim.” He also loves “God, women, dogs, freedom, and good writing.” … So you may not be able to buy him a beer. One can, however, follow Jeff on facebook, and then maybe ask him whatever became of Charlie Dent. This all happened back in 2017 you see, before Trump lost re-election (or was cheated) and decided to run for re-election again in 2024. We know Dent finally got tired of beating his head against the Congressional wall, retiring even before his term ended back in 2018. … The “No Labels” ticket may have folded this time around for lack of a qualified candidate, but the idea may stick around for some time. Many of us certainly hope so, at least.

Cherie Noel Travels

Traveling with Cherie Noel

Sizzling Cherie may well be the ultimate summer babe — and the stunning blonde tells of her recent Cherie Noel travels, this time spending the season around the Mediterranean, enjoying the area’s wonderful weather and warm waters. True to form, our August 2021 Pet of the Month explored the South of France, traveled down the coast of Italy, and soaked up the sun and nightlife in Greece.

Naturally, we’re catching up with Cherie to hear all about her European adventure. Living vicariously may not be quite as good as experiencing something yourself, but it can make for an entertaining substitute — and a darned beautiful one.

“France has many amazing beaches, and Saint-Tropez will always be one of my favorites,” says the native of New York state. “I started my trip by taking a boat out around the coast of the South of France.”

The next day, Cherie visited one of the region’s famed beach clubs.

“I love Begatelle because you can relax at the beach or join the day party for lunch. They serve food before the evening’s party gets underway. They have table-dancing, champagne showers, and a bottle service show. It’s like no other place I’ve been,” candid Cherie confides.

The jet-setter also spent a few days wandering the costal destination’s Old Town.

“I visited the Dior Cafe for lunch and finished my last evening in Saint-Tropez at one of my favorite restaurants, L’Opéra,” she shares.

We’ll pop in with a Cherie Noel Travels gallery at this point, purely to help put some of these things in order in your brain, of course. It may be difficult to focus on the settings and surroundings at first effort, but if you keep concentrating, it will work. Honest.

Next, Cherie flew to Italy, landing in Rome and driving a few hours south to Naples, where she briefly stopped for Sorbillo Esterina’s famous calzone on her way to Positano, a cliff-side village on the country’s Amalfi Coast. Few places can equal this location which overlooks the turquoise waters of the Mediterranean Sea.

“To me, Positano is one of the most romantic places to visit,” she sighs. “My first day was spent out on the water, taking a boat around the island of Capri. It’s a beautiful island right by Positano, known for its scenic rock formations. When sailing through the archway of the one called Faraglioni de Mezzo, you’re supposed to make a wish and share a kiss with your sweetheart for luck.”

“The next few days, I spent my time at the beach. Positano has a beautiful cove, which is perfect for taking a dip in the ocean.”

The hazel-eyed hottie also visited La Scogliera, a beach club near the coast. “It’s the perfect place to rent a chair, sunbathe and enjoy the relaxing view with a few drinks,” says Cherie. “I spent my last day in Italy driving back to Rome and exploring the city before heading to Greece.”

Mykonos was to be our avid traveler’s final destination one this trip, enjoying the Greek island’s member-only Soho House location.

“I’m not a member, but I was lucky enough to travel with someone who has a membership. I have to say Mykonos ranks as the best one I’ve visited. It’s also within walking distance of Scorpios. The food there was my favorite on the island — with Interni Restaurant coming in a close second,” says Cherie.

“Besides the food, it has the best beach to lounge on during the day, and at night it becomes one of the best places to party. It’s definitely a spot you need to visit no matter the time of day.”

It seems like maybe traveling with Cherie Noel should come with its own theme: Come for the view. Stay for the food. … She should probably license Cherie Noel Travels as an excursion package, right?

The View with Cherie Noel - Mykonos

One thing about beauty, once you understand it, you can create it on either side of the camera.

You’ll see Cherie again soon in the Lacy Lennon report on the Summer Pet Party, 2024 version, and at that point you’ll see that no matter what her look, our August 2021 Pet manages to captivate a frame without even trying. Should you not wish to wait, we’d encourage an Instagram visit in the meantime. Honestly, you’ll probably follow and come back often. We do.

Parsonage and Young Lacy

A Lacy Lennon Conversation

We are here at AVN with Lacy Lennon. Our Pet of the Year … our Pet of the Year forever … our spicy Redhead.

Lacy: Thank you!

Lacy Lennon Arrives for Our ConversationSo … what have you been doing since you were crowned Pet of the Month and Pet of the Year?

Lacy: Oh my gosh. Craziness. So I had probably one of the biggest and best years of my life after getting Penthouse Pet of the Year. … I got a month off, I believe it was, October, and then it was only a few months later that the voting had started with the turnaround for Pet of the Year. I then also got my feature film Black Widow, which I won Best Sex Scene of the year for, and I also won for Best Actress. So that was amazing to walk up there in my Penthouse necklace, walking off with double awards in my hands.

And then from there, Moose [Owner of Girlfriend Films] allowed me to help out and direct for Girlfriend Films. I got to direct three DVDs, and one of them actually got nominated for an AVN award. So that was just special and amazing. … From there I decided to adult a little bit and was like, you know, I’ve worked really hard, and I should do something nice for myself. I decided to move back home and with my family and my friends out in Hawaii, and I got to take a little bit of a break.

And I really, really, really had been getting into my own content creation. Penthouse inspires me constantly because the direction that we go — and that I aim for — is still going for the very filmy aspect … going artistic, you know, things could be more implied. It resonates so well with the fans that they respect it. They love seeing the journeys, the travels, and they love seeing me healthy.

So I’ve been busy, busy, busy. I have a few other surprises that are coming out this summer, but I cannot give full details. But there have been deals that have been signed… Just new adventures, and new expansions, and new experiences for our fans. … I’m so happy to be back.

Where can we, expect to find out those drops? Are you going to post them on Instagram or Twitter or everywhere? Are you going to let us know?

Lacy: I’m going to let everyone know everywhere. They’re going to be very strategic drops and releases. It’s not just going to be random. I’m going to be putting out a whole bunch of Easter eggs. There’s going to be an immense amount of promo, and it’s going to be everywhere, because why would we not do that? [laughs]

So tell me about your website, because that was a thing. I clicked on it, and you were already selling merch, and you’re already doing so much. … So you’re dropping more?

Lacy: Yeah. Oh … Oh, my gosh. … So I love graphic designing. I just think that it’s so much fun. And I love being nerdy and dirty and you know, I saw these other girls, then I had teams reach out to me they’d all say, I want to build you a site, let me build you a site.

And I’d think to myself, what can they do that I can’t? Went to YouTube. And I was like, oh, this is easy. And then so I was just like, okay. I though, let me go ahead and just try it. And, you know, because the fans were asking for more merch, and I had already done smaller drops and more personalized drops, but I really wanted something more official. That way I can then reach out to people that are worldwide, because that’s where I was missing my mark. When I was doing things more personally, like I would go ahead and buy my bulk items and then have people — whether it was email me or like DM through Twitter or whatever — it was, small scale, over-consuming and not efficient in the long run. 

It took up way too much time. It’s cool now through the site that I have these teams working and doing the shipments, doing the fulfillment for me. All that I had to do was set up the site, curate designs, find my manufacturers, make sure that I’m back-checking them for reputation. Then I just order the products as a demo and make sure that they’re of high quality before releasing them out to the fans.

I did it because it’s what the fans had asked. And when they ask, they receive.

So I just want to clarify because I’m fucking mind-blown right here. You did that graphic design? That is you?

Lacy: Yeah.  

You’re insane. It’s insane.

Lacy: Oh, it’s so cute. I’m such a nerd. Like, I love games, like cozy games like Sim, like, house building and making the characters. Getting into those little details of builds overall.

Graphic designing has almost … when you were a kid and you did collage work in a magazine, cut everything out, just put everything on? Graphic designing is really that easy. And … it’s … it’s really fun and gives me a lot more appreciation for animators because after getting heavily into the graphic designing, I now want to learn how to animate. Because all this can be taken like one big step further.

And I always thought that it might be cool idea, because I’ve seen these people do it on a smaller scale, where they’re making these at-home animations and maybe two people doing voice work… They’re doing like ten different voices and creating an entire show. And then the shows blow up. How cute would it be to have like a little Lacy Lennon animated show?

All these little stepping stones are fun and cool. I guess I’m always looking at the next big thing. People have been like, oh, you’re doing this and this and this … and I say, I’m already on the 10th new project after that. I’m moving on. That’s been done, you know? But I’m glad you like it. It was fun and very cute. I loved putting it together.

Let’s talk about the title Nerdy and Dirty. Do you think that that just encompasses you and that’s why you went with that, or did you coin it at some point? It’s trademarked…

Lacy: It is, and it’s mine. [laughs]

Yeah. Honestly it was very early on, when I first got in… Everyone wanted to know about me, what were my interests.

I always answered, well I went to opera school. I studied math and engineering, graduated number one in my class, even going back to the high school years. And so, like, I’ve always been really into the nerd stuff. I never really, looked at myself in the mirror thinking, “I’m the beautiful girl,” you know?

I have always believed that I’m going to be valued because of what I’m going to bring to the table, never just based on my appearance alone. Whereas other people, they do truly have that privilege, and I love that for them. I just have never been a person where I have felt valued that way.

Being nerdy and dirty is my slogan, I used it before the industry among friends, and it encapsulates me. And that’s why I said it from the very beginning. Of course I also honed in on the niche nerd group, and I was like, these are my guys. These are my people. …

It’s just like, listen, a lot of people are basically the same. They peak in high school, and they were like the jock or the cheerleader. They come into this industry, then they skyrocket. They do well, and they treat their fans like shit. And for me, when I think of sex work, more importantly when I think of those that we’re providing for… I think we’re providing for the people where sex may not always be as easy.

I don’t think these are people who are getting these experiences and going out to the club and buying drinks for the girls and then just, you know, hooking up with them. No, these are men and people who often have serious social awkwardness. Maybe they’ve never dated. A lot of them may still be virgins. So for me, who has had the benefit of prior companionship, it’s just really important to me to speak to the nerds. Hey, everyone deserves love.

I think of it as, “Let me show you, because I said I needed love. I deserve love and you can follow my lead.”

When people say the nice guy finishes last, that’s okay. They should be fine finishing last, because I’m going to finish last with them. I’m literally going to be hand in hand. These are my nerds, and these are the most deserving people, and these are the people that should enjoy these events and be able to watch the films and be able to experience these things.

My heart is just very full. The nerds have taken care of me, so I’m always going to take care of them.

You seem very passionate about it.

Lacy: Yeah.

Do you think that there’s a difference between being a nerd and being a geek? Do you think that you’re also a little geeky? … Do you have any hard core fandoms that you follow?

Lacy: I mean, as for the difference between a nerd and a geek, I think a geeks would be like the guys who are in Silicon Valley … they got their fancy little shoes and they’re all tucked in. They got their super fancy glasses, and a super nice car.

Then I think of nerds like a guy who’s still driving like the Toyota Corolla. And he always feels, “No, no, no. I’m working on it. And I don’t need a new car.” … You know? I think of nerds as people that are more … relatable.

Geeks, at least in my view, are people who put themselves on this pedestal of privilege, and they think that they’re better than everyone. They’re driven by, “Not only am I smart, but I’m also wealthy…” Whereas the nerds are more like, “Let’s just not. … We don’t have to run like around trying to impress others. Let’s just wear little fun outfits.”

Geeks aren’t going to do that. They’re going to be the tech guys. They’re going to be very bougie. … I find my nerds just want to have fun, and they’re just hanging out with everyone. They appreciate everyone. They have a lot of respect. … A lot of times I feel like nerds don’t always feel the best about themselves … the kids that were the late bloomers … the people that society kind of pushes away. … Although we’re all a little bit of the black sheep these days, nerds and geeks. It’s all been marketed as niche and glamorized, so that now suddenly it’s a cool thing.

Honestly I think that it hurts the community because you have all these people going to these events that they would never attend previously. They just didn’t. We nerds used to be like, “Okay, this is like my one event a year. I get to go hang out with my nerds.” … Now you go to Comic-Con and you’re going to spend over $1,000.

Suddenly most of those nerds have now had that taken away from them because it has been marketed in a way to make it a privilege. … It has all become just kind of lame because the true nerds of from Dungeons and Dragons or my Lord of the Rings, my Harry Potter, my Star Trek, you know, Star Wars — because that’s how that they know me — that has gotten lost.

So many have seen me at the booth, and that’s how they met me … literally, this is one of the presents I got because they know how nerdy I am. I got so many presents. [Shows Harry Potter – Time Turner Necklace]

I have that exact one.

Lacy: Yeah, I got this one. My sister too. It’s just the smaller one from Pandora. But yeah, exactly. I also got a Darth Maul figurine because I have the Darth Maul lightsaber. … I have Ray’s lightsaber. I have Luke’s lightsaber. I have the metal, from A New Hope as well — all given as gifts. … Let’s see, I’ve Smuggler’s dice. You know, it’s just like I have a whole bunch of total fandom shit … like, big time. I’m kind of all over the place with my nerd shit, but that’s what a true nerd is. … We watch it all. We literally rewatch, rewatch, rewatch. It’s not just one thing, it’s all of it.

Yeah, I lost track of how many times I’ve watched Harry Potter now. … I’ve rewatched Supernatural

Lacy: Yes! My sister is the biggest fucking Supernatural fan. Oh my God, you would love her. Oh my gosh, she’s like six foot tall, crazy, crazy. [laughs uproariously]

Do you have any advice for any future pets that want to be as successful as you have been as Pet of the Year … Going from POY to directing, to winning awards … to basically doing it all? It feels like you never stop. You’ve never slowed down — always kept it pushing.

Lacy: I would say … you have to be authentic, and you are going to have downfalls. I may be good at like not showing people those things. It seems like a lot of people think that my life is perfect, that I never have bad days. … I’ve had businesses that have failed, and you just get back up. You keep going, just switch things around, and you don’t let it beat you down.

It still gets into my head sometimes. I have those days. … I don’t really show that off to other people, but it’s going to happen. You will not have great success without great failure. You should always remember the risk in being a one hit wonder. Sometimes when you hit immediate success, riding that line becomes too easy, and you forget to put in the work.

Something Dennis Hoff had told me I have held near to my heart ever since I lived and worked over at Moonlite Bunny Ranch. … He always told me, “You know, the super-pretty girls, they kind of lean on their looks, and they forget the work ethic. They forget to be punctual. They forget to take care of themselves. They forget to actually make dreams and plan journeys and write things down, and budget, and do the things that are actually good for them. I need you to promise me that you’re going to keep your head on your shoulders. I need you to stay smart. Be beautiful, but the more important thing — and what’s going to resonate with the fans, and why they’ll take care of you and believe in you — is because you’re being smart about it. You’re not living the fantasy. You’re doing this as a real career. … This is a job.”

So when you treat it like a job — think of any other job — if you slack, you get fired. … We’re our own bosses, you could be doing well and you could be put on a pedestal by a company, but if you’re not willing to put in that work afterwards, and you just want to ride on that fame, you’re going to fall off the cliff.

Rest in peace, Dennis.

Intermission in Our Lacy Lennon Conversation

Thank you so much for taking the time to hang out with us today! We hope to see you soon. (… And we did 6 months later at Penthouse Pet Party Summer 2024! … COMING SOON to these pages.)

As one might imagine, one has many options when it comes to following Lacy Lennon including an Instagram page that keeps getting shut down for … well, who the heck can figure out why the Meta people do anything really? She just rolls out a new one, though, and starts all over again — a trait that definitely fits the persona evidenced in this interview. For our part we like the lesser-used TikTok and YouTube options, more the potential than the execution so far, but honestly it could be that we like them because we keep volunteering to hang out with her when she’s in town to suggest ideas — or, y’know, drink margaritas. … Seriously, if you want to experience pure joy for a few hours, just hang out with Lacy Lennon.

Heck, just looking at her Amazon Wish List will give you lots and lots of potential conversation starters. Trust us: Lacy will keep up her end of the conversation. We are happy to provide suggestions here, if it helps, though. We’d start with, “So … um … does a $94 candle have some kind of special fire or something?”

Homegrown Rage

Rage or Reconciliation, Choices in a Time of Terror

Rage. … I was driving toward a busy intersection when my cellphone rang. As I picked it up, I made a sudden, mindless lane change, cutting off the driver behind me. When the light turned red, I was forced to stop. In a flash, the guy in the vehicle I had just cut off came charging out of his car, fists balled. I have no idea what came over me, but I knew that I’d screwed up and the angry man was right.

I stuck my head out the window, looked up at him and said, “Sir, I am so sorry. I should not have cut you off. I was irresponsible. Can you please forgive me?”

He was a big guy and was shaking with rage. But my words got past his indignation enough to slow him down. “I’m really sorry,” I said again.

Now he’s almost at my open window. Close enough to punch me in the face. But instead he seems confused. “What did you say?”

I DID NOT KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT SINCERE HUMILITY AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS CAN BE A POTENT PATH TO DEFUSING RAGE.

I looked up into his eyes and very clearly said, “Sir, I was wrong and stupid. I cannot believe I drove so recklessly. I’m usually careful. Can you please forgive me?”

He unballed his fists, put his right hand on top of the car’s roof, leaned in and said, “Man, you gotta be more careful! My wife got slammed against her seat belt!”

“Oh, shit;’ I said. “That’s awful. I cannot believe I did that!”

His face changed and the whole feeling of the moment shifted. “Drive safe!” he said, and got back into his car.

The light changed and I very carefully drove to my appointment, shaking from adrenalin and humbled by the experience.

I did not know it at the time, but it turns out that sincere humility and asking for forgiveness can be a potent path to defusing rage. Both those qualities — humility and asking for forgiveness — were in very short supply during the presidential campaign. And our country now needs a huge injection of both to survive the months ahead.

Psychotherapists are reporting they’ve never seen so much stress and fear connected to politics. Friendships and even marriages have been put at risk because of the campaign. People have lost sleep and many have dropped off of social media because of all the rage spitting across their computer screens.

Trump’s rhetoric of slamming Muslims as terrorists and Mexicans as rapists, to name just a few egregious examples, lifted a metaphorical rock off the poisonous secret culture of hatred and violence that had always been there, but was kept in check by societal pressure and the absence of a viable national “leader:’ Trump cried havoc and let loose the beasts of people’s previously tamped-down rage.

“A Bloodbath” … Only one Rage Potential

Just as the campaign was reaching its final days, an FBI antiterrorist arrest in the small city of Garden City, Kansas, sent a chilling warning to anyone who might have been paying attention: Not only has a river of rage overflowed into our country, but for some people, that rage is the ultimate intoxicant. And they want more. One of the alleged plotters declared: “The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. If you’re a Muslim, I’m going to enjoy shooting you in the head:’ Those words were secretly recorded as the men prepared to bomb an apartment house full of Somali refugees. The FBI busted them after an eight-month investigation.

“Many Kansans may find it as startling as I do that such things could happen here;’ said Tom Beall, the Acting U.S. Attorney for Kansas.

Unlike Beall, I wasn’t surprised one bit. I’ve been reporting on and studying terrorism in all its forms for half a century. It can happen anywhere, and no crazy radical lslamist hoping for 72 virgins in heaven is required, as the Kansas investigation has shown.

In fact, as that case demonstrates, we are now confronted by the very real prospect of organized, racist, politically motivated terror aimed at Muslims and others who are perceived by some as not being truly “American:’ That attitude, that threat-which was amped up by the Trump campaign-comes from a very small number of heavily armed people. They are white, native-born, self· described Christians eager to make their mark in blood. Despite what they would like the world to believe, however, they are not representative of white Christians, the NRA, or most Trump supporters. Though they are small in number, they must be taken seriously, and that probably means court-ordered surveillance.

For some, Trump’s presidential campaign became a heroic narrative for the return of an America in which men like them could be happy again. Some of them were rejected by the military. Some served and suffered PTSD, which went untreated, forcing them into painful private spaces where alcohol and opioids often join depression. Others never got it together for anything, did not qualify for military service, lost out in the business world, and sought group identification with anyone who would accept them. Over the past eight years, these very angry men have felt further marginalized by a society that increasingly is run by people who don’t look like them, talk like them, or believe as they do.

Some of them are victims of a historic paradigm shift away from the values they were taught, and the economy they believed would take care of them. For many, globalization spells calamity. Their good jobs were exported and replaced by nothing, or work that pays a fraction of their former job. Their disconnect from the romanticized American “good life” of endless consumption, their inability to stay ahead of their bills, and their frustration at finding work in an increasingly tech-driven economy, all combined to make them easy pickings for a movement headed by someone with charisma who looks and sounds a little bit like them, making them feel a part of something strong. Trump told everyone he had the answer for what was broken in their lives, and that he would be their shield against having a president with a vagina or being overrun by ISIS at home.

Feeding on people’s fears, Trump pledged he would block all Muslims from entering the U.S. and punish women who get abortions. His large rallies, made up almost exclusively of white people (most of them men), screamed their approval.

Trump’s notion of putting women into prison for getting abortions may well be read as support by a wide range of people who claim to be defenders of the unborn, including those who kill doctors for providing abortion services. This, unfortunately, is nothing new. Trump’s plan of banning Muslims, however, marks the first time in modern American history that any national candidate promised to stop people at the border with a religion test. It boggled the mind, but at the same time it caressed the fear and rage that many people felt. Clearly, that was Trump’s calculated game. But his execution was imperfect. His ego kept betraying him. “I know more about ISIS than the generals!”

Those eight words were laughable, and top Republican experts on national security publicly branded Trump as “incompetent” and “dangerous:’ But this didn’t matter to Trump’s base. They loved his promise to upend the Washington establishment and his wild promises to bring back manufacturing jobs and cut taxes while spending trillions on building up the military. They ignored his failure to release his tax returns, his bizarre bromance with Vladimir Putin, his call for Russia to cyber attack the U.S., his abuse of women, and his failures to pay contractors.

TODAY, IF A BOMB GOES OFF AT A U.S.GOVERNMENT CENTER, A MOSQUE, OR A SYNAGOGUE, SOME OF THE BLAME MAY WELL BELONG AT THE FEET OF DONALD TRUMP.

Lurking in the background of the millions of Trump supporters is the rage-filled base, the men in the dark rooms like the three members of the Kansas “Crusaders;’ whose plot allegedly included the deliberate slaughter of children. As one of them said on the secret FBI recording: “When we go on operations there’s no leaving anyone behind, even if it’s a one-year-old. I’m serious.”

By the time the Crusaders began to conceptualize their “wake-up call” (as they called it), Trump’s Fear-the-Muslims initiative was already three months old. It had been repeated endlessly, especially on extreme-right-wing media, and it was the kind of talk the neo-Nazis and other radical communities had long embraced. For them, Trump was encouragement, even validation.

One of the most influential voices of the alt-right, a website called the Daily Stormer, refers to Trump as America’s “Glorious Leader:’ The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups across the country, noted (verbatim) these posts found on the Daily Stormer’s website: “When [Trump) wins, the libtards, freaks nigs, mystery meats and republicucks will probably pop off, led by the cheerleading kikes like always, but the might of people behind [Trump] should be able to put down with little effort. It’ll be bloody but I think if enough heads are busted it will become loud and clear — BACK IN THE CLOSET OR GET THE FUCK OUT.’

I follow a data scientist named Jonathon Morgan. He’s the founder and CEO of New Knowledge, a nonprofit think tank, and he’s been crunching numbers on Trump and right-wing extremists. Morgan used Facebook activity to find armed militia supporters who engaged with Trump’s claims of a rigged election. He wrote: “Faced with probable defeat, Donald Trump is now claiming the election is rigged (it’s not). While election officials (were) trying to reassure the public that U.S. democracy is intact, Trump surrogates doubled down on their candidate’s accusations, warning of widespread voter fraud, and suggesting that supporters revolt.”

Morgan said the numbers show that the destabilizing, anti-democracy message is resonating. “Over 100,000 people commented or reacted to Trump’s Facebook posts about election rigging. Though at rallies some of Trump’s supporters insist the tough talk is not a call to violence, others discussed armed rebellion and assassination, and buried amongst the supporters who engaged with the candidate’s message on Facebook are at least 210 people who are involved with armed militia groups.”

Morgan cited one extremist who wrote: “The problem is we have a rigged election and Hillary is going to flood us with muslims [sic]. I hate to say it, but if she wins, and it looks like she will (only because she owns the media and the Republican party) it’s over, time for a revolution” He added, “Enough of being tough in the blog, be tough in real life’.’

Today, if a bomb goes off at a U.S. government center, a mosque, a synagogue, or an apartment complex where Muslims or Mexicans live, some of the blame may well belong at the feet of Donald Trump. His us-versus-them campaign of fear gave aid and comfort to the more than 800 U.S. right-wing hate groups that dwell in the shadows.

Muslims in general had been placed on their enemies list after 9/11. Before that it was Jews, LGBTQ people, black and brown people, and women who don’t shut the fuck up. The feelings and doctrines of the members of these hate groups were mostly confined to private spaces, fenced-in compounds, and websites where they spend their fantasy lives while hand-loading their very real ammunition.

When Trump’s anti-Muslim declarations began in December of 2015, extreme right-wing websites lit up with delight. The Ku Klux Klan and a prominent former leader of the Klan who ran for public office said the GOP was finally espousing Klan doctrine.

On Trump’s path to “Make America Great Again,” people who get loaded on dehumanizing others raised their glasses to the guy who had been the boss on The Apprentice. Suddenly, it looked like he had a shot at the White House.

In early 2016, an FBI informant inside that Kansas militia group made this covert recording of a would-be domestic terrorist: “The only fucking way this country’s ever going to get turned around is it will be a bloodbath and it will be a nasty, messy motherfucker. Unless a lot more people in this country wake up and smell the fucking coffee and decide they want this country back … we might be too late, if they do wake up … I think we can get it done. But it ain’t going to be nothing nice about it.”

According to the FBI recordings, the conspirators planned to detonate multiple car bombs around a housing complex to kill Muslim residents. Their battle plan called for them to then kick in doors and shoot to death any survivors, including women and children. That “wake-up” event was to occur on the day after the national election. The plotters apparently hoped that their action would trigger a national uprising against all 3.5 million Muslims in America. (Side note: American Muslims include many medical doctors, professors, scientists, as well owners of small businesses. They have very low rates of crime and high levels of family stability.)

Trump loved using the term “Crooked Hillary” echoing a 30-year campaign of vilification of Clinton. But his words, spewed out of his mouth from a national podium, were designed to make her seem less human. She was “so corrupt, so crooked, she should be locked up” Trump said over and over again. He led his followers in the chant, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

Trump’s plan was to make Hillary an enemy of the people in the minds of his supporters. Defeating her would become a holy quest. Like his promise to punish women who get abortions, it was Trump as the Punisher. He helped set up Hillary as the Devil in a Pantsuit. He would be the slayer of the dragon on behalf of his most deeply enraged followers.

Trump’s brand of carefully orchestrated loathing for Hillary was the icing on an old and noxiously indigestible cake of fury that had been baked by Republican operatives years earlier. The recorded words of one of the leaders of the Kansas terror plot sounded like Trump without the private-school education: “I’m angry that our politicians are no good, lying, conniving, crooked, corrupt, treasonist assholes that should be imprisoned at the least … I’m angry we allow one of the most corrupt, deceitful, lying, conniving, treasonist, piece of shit on the planet to run for president while under investigation by the FBI … l’m angry that elections are rigged by the elitists (FYI: YOUR VOTE DOESN’T MATTER ANY MORE).” These are the words of accused Crusader plotter Patrick Eugene Stein, as transcribed from a secret FBI recording.

“l’M ANGRY THAT OUR POLITICIANS ARE NO GOOD, LYING, CONNIVING, CROOKED, CORRUPT, TREASONIST ASSHOLES THAT SHOULD BE IMPRISONED AT THE LEAST … “

Trump continued to feed the most paranoid of right-wing extremists, essentially confirming that the America they loved had been surrendered to an enemy made up of Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, LGBTQ people, and baby killers. When he said the only way he would lose the election is if it were stolen from him, and then when he refused to say he would accept the outcome if he did not win, this gave even more emotional ammo to the would-be gunmen of the militias. These are heavily armed, self-styled “patriots” who long for the good old days when blacks were subservient, gay people were in the closet, and “real” men like them were in charge. Not some mixed-race “monkey,” or, even worse, a “goddam bitch.”

The FBI surveillance narrative on Crusader Stein recounts him doing a targeting run on the Muslim section of Garden City. At one point, he leaned out of the car window and cursed at Somali women wearing traditional garb. At the time, Stein was armed with an assault rifle, extra magazines, a pistol, a ballistic vest, and a night-vision scope. According to the FBI, a month before the election, Stein and his alleged co-conspirators were prepping for their slaughter when the girlfriend of one of them called police after her man had beaten her. She showed the responding officers a room in the house stacked with weapons, including an explosive compound called hexamethylene triperoxide diamine, or HMTD. The cops asked to look around, she said sure, and they found over two thousand rounds of ammo and guns.

Before the Kansas conspiracy case broke in October, life was hard enough for America’s 900,000 cops and tens of thousands of federal agents, searching for a tiny number of potential American jihadists like the New York City-born man who killed 49 people at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. It’s like hunting for a few explosive needles in a haystack of more than 324 million people.

Fortunately, more and more moderate American Muslims (which constitutes the vast majority) are helping police find people who have been radicalized. Following 9/11, the FBI created a model of respect and cooperation between law enforcement and mosques in Virginia; that model has been adapted by state and local agencies. Good community relations have followed.

Understandably, law enforcement’s focus has been on finding the next self-starting radical Islamic terrorist before he or she can commit another act in the name of ISIS. Following the FBl’s successful operation against the Crusaders, our cops now have to focus considerable resources on extremists of the far right who may previously have been written off as harmless. Time to rethink everything.

FOLLOWING 9/11, THE FBI CREATED A MODEL OF RESPECT AND COOPERATION BETWEEN LAW ENFORCEMENT AND MOSQUES IN VIRGINIA.

Men like the alleged Kansas conspirators do their planning in the shadows and imagine themselves as superheroes. These are deeply disappointed and embittered men; some of them beat their women to feel better; some fortify their courage with alcohol and drugs; and some do it with prayer. Protected by the Second Amendment, they have been buying up guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Some have become internet scholars, learning online how to make high explosives. Most of them-especially the drunks-will wind up getting caught, because they talk and someone dials 911 . But some will inevitably slip through the cracks.

In all likelihood, you and those you love will be safe, but that is not to say that we should not expect attacks from egomaniacal fanatics in the name of Jesus or Allah. And while the Trump campaign pushed the idea that we are surrounded by marauding jihadists, the truth is, thus far, there have been a tiny number of murderers motivated by radical Islam in the U.S. Those killers include the Ft. Hood Army psychiatrist, the Boston Marathon bombers, the Orlando nightclub shooter, the San Bernardino couple, the two gunmen in Texas and Arkansas who attacked military recruiting stations, and the man who beheaded a woman at a food plant in Oklahoma. The total killed by jihadists in the U.S. since 9/11 is just under one hundred. Even one is terrible. But this is a huge country.

I have no desire to trivialize any horrible act. But we need to keep our minds clear. Clarity and the calm it brings can help us come out of the post-election period with more sanity and less rage.

As a frame of reference, this article first appeared in the Jan/Feb, 2017, issue of Penthouse Magazine. Obviously that means it hit the stands slightly before Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. As we face the choice again this coming November, we thought it worthwhile to try and remember what it felt like the first time around. People too young to notice at the time get to vote this time around, and as a culture we have a tendency to cover our history with a gloss of pleasant memories — because otherwise the present would always suck. That said, those under age 22 and those with forced blindness make up but only a small percentage of the voting block. We would never tell you which way to vote — if for no other reason that by all appearances both of our choices will be … let’s go with “less than ideal” overall. Still you need to register, and you need to vote. Otherwise you lose your right to bitch for the next four years, and that would suck worse than both these choices.

Weird is as Weird Does

Weird People … Weird

Strange things can happen when people take an expression and try to interpret it literally. And then there are the people who should take things literally but do not for some weird reason. We decided to take a few moments away from the beautiful to simply celebrate the weird — and, y’know, make us all appreciate our own lives a lot more.

Put a Bag on It

Inflating the CondomA young Vietnamese couple ended up in the hospital after attempting to have sex for the first time using a plastic bag as contraception. The unnamed students were too shy to buy condoms, and, reportedly, the boy believed that using a plastic bag would be just as effective.

Things did not go as planned, however, and both suffered genital lesions, abrasions, and bleeding.

Nguyen The Luong, deputy director of Hanoi Kidney Hospital where the students were treated, told the local press that the pair are recovering with the help of antibiotics and “disinfectants.” He went on to say that using plastic bags as contraception is a terrible idea; they provide no protection from STIs or pregnancy and can cause vaginal tearing, since the bags have no elasticity or lubrication.

A recent study by the Medical University of Hanoi and Hanoi Medical College found that of the nearly 3,000 students surveyed, only 16 percent claimed to have had sex, and a third of them didn’t use condoms their first time. The study also found that approximately 25 percent of Vietnamese students are too embarrassed to buy protection. Hopefully this incident, which has garnered worldwide attention, will convince at least some of them to get the fuck over it.

We have no trouble believing that people who wish to have sex might try anything that seems even remotely plausible in order to accomplish that objective. We do have a hard time believing that only 16% of students in medical school will admit to not being virgins. Just a hunch, but this could be a cultural thing, the admission, not the act.

Super-Weird Request

(Not really important paperwork.)This past September, a Seattle man was taken into custody after asking local police if they had come across his missing briefcase full of cocaine. According to Seattle police, Officer Doug Jorgenson was directing traffic when a man approached him and handed over a briefcase.

The man said he’d been out walking his dog when another man stopped to pet the dog. When he walked away, he left his briefcase behind. Hoping to discover the owner, Jorgenson opened the case and discovered 154 grams of cocaine, a cellphone, a scale, 50 diazepam pills, some marijuana, and the ID of the 19-year-old briefcase owner.

Not long after the case was turned in, a man approached a group of police officers outside a Seattle Seahawks game and asked if they’d come across it. Officers said the man told them, “It contained some important paperwork, and he really needed it back.” Police later arrested the man for possession of narcotics with intent to sell.

Honestly, this could have turned out for the best. If that’s how well you’re reasoning at 19 years of age, you likely do not have a great criminal career ahead of you. That said, it appears that young people have substantially higher recidivism rates — by like fives times — than their older, wiser, brethren. Of course it could just be that a bunch of them died doing stupid things before they could ever become older offenders.

Weird but Hopefully True

Coffee lovers can say good-bye to Viagra now that a new coffee called “Stiff Bull” offers an erection that can last for days. Billed as a “relationship saver” on its website, Stiff Bull contains all-natural herbs that “grow wild in the jungles of Malaysia and have been used for centuries by the people of Asia and South America to greatly improve sexual health, libido, and overall wellness.”

One Weird and Talented BaristaThe company claims drinking Stiff Bull can produce an erection that lasts up to three days, although we’re not sure why this is a selling point.

The FDA has urged people to stay away from the coffee as it contains a “secret ingredient,” the Viagra-like drug desmethyl carbodenafil. The drug isn’t listed on the coffee’s packaging and can be harmful to men suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or heart disease. The FDA wrote in their advisory, “This undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found in some prescription drugs such as nitroglycerine and may lower blood pressure to dangerous levels.”

The report goes on to warn consumers the coffee could cause a huge drop in blood pressure, leading to dizziness, fainting, blurred vision, and nausea.

We certainly do not want to get into a safety debate with the FDA, but if you’re not taking prescription drugs, you can at least think about ordering this weird coffee online. That said the side effects “dizziness, fainting, and blurred vision” sorta just sound like you’ve been putting that erection to good use already.

Normal Sex. Weird Collateral Damage.

We-Vibe Pre-WeirdnessA woman from Chicago, identified only by her initials, N.P., is suing sex-toy manufacturer Standard Innovation for allegedly spying on her while she used her vibrator. The sex toy in question, the We-Vibe Rave, is a G-spot stimulator that has smartphone-controlled functionality, enabling people who are not in the same place to exchange messages, participate in video chats, and remotely control the device using the app.

The woman instigating the lawsuit said she used the sex toy a number of times before learning via a Defcon hacking convention talk that Standard Innovation was retaining her personal usage for marketing purposes. The Canadian company collects data via the app, including when it’s running and what the vibration setting is. It was discovered if users registered their email addresses, the company could obtain their personal information.

Eve-Lynn Rapp, an attorney with the law firm representing N.P., said, “This is one of the more incredible invasions of privacy we’ve ever dealt with.”

She explained how the company uses the information to increase the sale of their products, stating, “Given how personal the information is, what the company was doing is inappropriate.”

Standard Innovation released a statement stressing they take issues of privacy very seriously and have updated their terms and conditions, giving users the option not to have their … er … data tracked.

While truly creepy and weird as a policy, we’re thinking that maybe this offended woman does not know how law suits work. If you’re offended when some random company knows when you masturbate, you might not want all that specific data into a public court record. … It seems a weird response, certainly. Maybe just stop using the app?

Weird and Snobby

Hops to the BeerThe craft beer craze of the past decade has created millions of beer snobs, many of whom are more than happy to lecture you on the difference between a Belgian dark ale and a West Coast IPA. But it seems they might not actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. A team of German scientists at the Technische Universität Dresden’s Institute of Food Chemistry have proven that it’s impossible to tell the different chemicals that make up the taste of beer.

The scientists were working on breaking down the components of beer and noted the levels of chemicals varied so much within beer styles of a certain sample, that there’s no way the human palate can distinguish the small nuances of different beers, such as a lager and a stout.

The scientists collected data by looking at a particular group of chemicals known as Maillard Reaction Products. These compounds are known to give beer its taste and color, and are released during the brewing process when the grains are roasted and converted into liquid malt. Publishing their results in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, the scientists agreed there are different chemicals that form the taste and color of a beer, but that these chemicals are so complex the average beer drinker can’t tell the difference.

And here we thought the Maillard Reaction was just the thing that made grilled steaks taste great. We have no idea about the science of the whole thing, but anyone who thinks you cannot tell the difference between a lager and a stout should maybe get out of the lab and actually DRINK the beer. Just sayin’ …

So there you have it. People do strange things, and we all like to hear about it because that helps us think our own strange things simple pale in the face of true weirdness. You may notice that we avoided any potential — and readily available, we assure you — odd stories about our Penthouse Pets, which can happen on a whole new level of weird. We did that because we like to empower them, not make them feel bad in any way. Also, we did not want to get fired.

Pop Shots Russ Karablin

Russ Karablin Pop Shots TitleThe Penthouse World According to Russ Karablin

By applying graphics inspired by Russ Karablin artwork to T-shirts, Karablin made it possible for both consumers and collectors to own his work. Now he directs his pioneering point of view toward an erotic pictorial starring Lena Nicole and Penthouse Pet Layla Sin.

Was there any hesitation on your part when Penthouse called you about this opportunity?

Quite the opposite. I was very excited about being involved in this. I’ve always been into pinups and the magazine itself. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty open-minded and liberal. It seemed like a great opportunity.

You had a personal connection with Penthouse growing up?

I did. With the magazine itself and the photo layouts. Also with the film Caligula. That widened the connection and made me even more into the Penthouse brand.

Was this exciting to you because of the cachet of working with Penthouse, or was it about the opportunity Penthouse afforded you?

I think it was a little bit of both. The opportunity to oversee a production and be able to handpick the models, the location, the context, and all of that. And the fact that it was for Penthouse magazine? It’s iconic.

Were you looking for something specific when you were casting models?

You know, I’m pretty diversified in that capacity. There’s always inspiration, things that are appealing to Russ Karablin visually, sensually, and so on. Smells, sights, sounds, and tastes. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, and they come in all forms, so the canvas was pretty wide. There are definitely types of women that appeal to me more, but I’m pretty open when it comes to that. All natural is the best.

What was it about Layla and Lena in particular that popped for you?

They reminded me of women I’ve had in the past.

Ha! Did they live up to the memory?

Yeah. They were both pretty chill. Layla was cool. She smiled a lot and was pretty sporting about it all. Lena was a little more fussy, but everything turned out good. We became friendlier toward the end of the shoot. In the last picture they were super friendly.

Did your process start with the models?

No. It started with the setting. In my eye, before I choose anything else, the setting is in my head. Then come the details like two women on a bed, the relaxed atmosphere, and all of that other stuff. I had a vision of it.

What was it about this particular setting that resonated with you?

I’ve often seen old photos, black-and-whites, of naked women in an opium den–like environment. It was always appealing, the way it looked. Not of this world, but more of an old-world feel.

Were you trying to tell a story, or was it more about creating a vibe?

I was trying to make it visually stimulating more than anything else. The story was about two women hanging around a palace, sneaking around, and getting into each other.

Sounds like some deep-seated fantasy of yours.

It had to come from somewhere. So, yeah.

And you tapped into your inner porn director by encouraging the girls to get a little naughty.

I just felt like I should go big or go home. If the opportunity presented itself and everybody was open to it without making it distasteful… it just seemed artistic.

Do you think you pushed the narrative far enough?

There were moments when the models were more into it than other moments, I guess because it was cold out, but I achieved what I set out to do.

Looking at the photos, are they an accurate reflection of your vision?

Yeah, I would say so. And as we went on they became more so. At first I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or how the photos would turn out. Looking through the photos at the end, I am definitely proud of them.

You were nervous?

I’m kind of slow to warm up.

Slow to warm up in general, or was it because of the personal nature of the shoot?

It was the subject matter. It was a new experience. It was because of who was involved.

What helped Russ Karablin turn the corner?

Everyone was very welcoming and really just let me do what I wanted to do. They made it clear they were there to support my vision, and that made it a lot easier to warm up.

Do you have a favorite photo or moment?

The photo where they are crossing hands and touching. That definitely stood out. It is a very sexy photo. It seemed like they weren’t acting. Throughout the shoot there were several moments when I was like, Yeah, this is great.

In hindsight, is there anything you would have done differently?

We had to get things done pretty quickly and turn it around, so you always see things. I could have done this or I could have done that.

Anything in particular?

Making it more artistic. Maybe adding a 3-D component to the shoot or something cool like that. Making it more visually fantastic. I would add more girls into the mix and create that feeling of a harem, choices.

That ties right into what you were saying about how you don’t have a specific type of woman.

Exactly.

If you had gone with the harem idea, what would the first new girl you cast look like?

I like voluptuous women. Natural. Good boobies. Curves. Curves are always nice to touch. For me it’s not about ethnicity or skin tone; it’s about variety.

I heard a rumor about a horse at the shoot…

Yes. I’ve seen some beautiful photos of women outdoors and on horses, and that was very sexy to me. I saw an old Pirelli calendar; a girl who I was seeing was in the calendar, so I noticed it a lot more than any of the other Pirelli calendars. And it happened to be on a farm. Naked girls, horse in the background, and it just seemed … nice.

It’s interesting that your concept was such a departure from what people must expect from you in the streetwear industry.

You always want your audience to look forward to seeing what you do next. To be sort of off-kilter. I guess the other option would have been to shoot beautiful girls in the hood rolling blunts? I don’t know. I think people appreciate that I don’t pigeonhole myself. That’s also why I created three different clothing brands: They each fit a different personality or feeling or mood that I represent. And it was the same for me with the photo shoot.

In manner of brief explanation, as an artist, Russ Karablin displayed a distinct penchant for models either just barely covered or completely in the nude. While we understand this point of view — if for no other reason than he probably attends clothed model shoots all the time — it did require some creative cropping to make the gallery section here in the free world. You can visit the gallery at SSUR if you’d like, and you’ll see a markedly different approach to artistic expression. Talented people tend to be really fun, y’know?

Penthouse Pop Shots Logo

Confidentially, Brett Rossi

Brett Rossi — Pet Confidential

Brett Rossi ComfyBreathtaking Brett Rossi, our Penthouse centerfold for February 2012 reminds me so much of myself back in the day when I was a Pet. At half my age she’s like my mini-me little sister, only way hotter. Now for the complete scoop on Brett, she provided us with…

26 Things You Did Not Know About Brett Rossi

  1. I love spending hours playing at the barn riding my horse, Virgil. He’s a 6-year-old Friesian Draft that I rescued.
  2. I don’t like to use toilet paper. I always use baby wipes.
  3. If I have a break out I usually do tons of homemade face masks and treat my face with tea tree oil.
  4. I cannot function on anything less than 8 hours of sleep a night. I love to go to bed early and wake up early!
  5. Growing up I wanted to be a cardiologist.
  6. All my friends know that I’m extremely OCD.
  7. My first job was working at Baskin Robbins, and I used to sell mattresses before I got into the adult industry.
  8. I was elected class president in the 6th grade.
  9. My favorite flowers are sunflowers & lilies.
  10. I danced for 13 years ballet, and I played on the varsity water polo team as the goalie through out high school.
  11. I’m a coffee addict and I drink it every day.
  12. I love the Pinterest APP on my phone.
  13. The Great Gatsby is my all-time favorite book.
  14. My favorite show to watch on TV is Criminal Minds.
  15. Penthouse Pet Kayden Kross is my mentor. And adult star Dani Daniels and Pet Samantha Saint have been my best friends for 6 years
  16. Home is my favorite place to hang out. I also love going to the museum, or a zoo.
  17. I’m one of the few people that actually hate Las Vegas.
  18. My favorite saying is,“Forgiveness is the scent of a rose still clinging to the heel that crushed it.”
  19. My favorite country to travel to has been ICELAND!
  20. Seaweed is my go-to comfort food.
  21. I am allergic to milk, lobster, and hay — which really sucks when you own a horse. If I don’t cover my hands and arms, or if I touch my face after I touch hay I get huge red welts everywhere.
  22. I am involved with and support the World Wild Life Foundation.
  23. I love the smell of Pink Jasmine.
  24. I cannot stand the smell of bad breath.
  25. Growing up I had a cat, two ducks, multiple ferrets, and a pig. Currently I have 3 dogs (2 are rescues) — a Chow/American Eskimo named Charles, a Lab mix named Sam, and the newest addition to the family, a mini-Pom named Dior.
  26. I pride myself on my interior decorating skills. Holidays are my favorite time of the year to deck my halls with festive cheer.

When you get to know her, you’ll find Brett fiercely loyal with a huge heart to match her outgoing personality. She’s passionate for the people and practices she cares most about, not the least of which animal rescue and adoption. Brett’s also environmentally conscious and an advocate of recycling, which makes her the perfect Pet to profile in our Green Issue. [March 2016 was “The Green Issue” we found out when we looked it up. Oddly, we found Kermit nowhere inside, but perhaps we missed the point. -Ed.]   

Coming off a much-publicized relationship last year and an almost 3-year professional hiatus, Brett now finds herself happily living the single life and back in the filmmaking saddle again. Not ironically, this past December Brett co-hosted The Single Life with me (my Vivid Radio SiriusXM 791 show [both now sadly relegated to history]) and broke the news publicly that she was returning to the adult entertainment industry.

Toward that goal, Brett recently signed with Penthouse Pet Kayden Kross’ company TrenchcoatX for exclusive content. Known in the biz for her gorgeous glamour model solo shoots and sexy girl/girl performances, Brett’s past work has garnered several AVN and XBIZ nominations in all-girl categories. I have news for you, her return to porn promises even bigger, better and wetter surprises in store for her fans!

This year Brett decided to take her show on the road, so you can catch her in action feature dancing her way across the country. Follow her for her current tour dates and schedule at Twitter and Instagram [and quite a few other places now]. You can also check out her official website BrettRossi.com for all sorts of fun things.

Brett Rossi ... Cookies

Obviously these photos were all taken some months before the actual publication, so we’re not sure of the exact timing. That said, we want to be clear that Brett Rossi can make us Christmas cookies any time of the year she feels like it.

We did in fact reach out to Brett to see what has been happening since Sam’s visit, and she sent us an update.

“In 2019 I took a step back from shooting mainstream adult movies to focus on other business ventures and my feature dance career as well as exclusively shooting for my website brettrossi.com. My work outside of performing has been recognized and earned a spotlight XBIZ magazine’s “women of adult” segment as well as being nominated as “Feature Entertainer Of The Year” for the 2024 Exotic Dancer Awards. I also have been working on some mainstream projects as well as scoring a lead role in a mainstream feature film that will begin filming in September. Other than that, I spend time with my 3 horses and my dog, working out and constantly seeking adventure to fulfill my life.”

You may notice there was no mention of her bringing cookies to the office. We noticed, sadly.