Sex Adjacent

The highway that contains the travel of human sexuality has a surprising number of off ramps. Sometimes those frontage roads can be fascinating.

Sex Adjacent Sideshows

There’s typical shocking celebrity behavior … and then there’s Madonna and her spotlight-grabbing ways.

The pop icon, 64, raised the eyebrows of some — and caused others to gag — when she released an odd collection of NFT videos. The three clips featured close-up nude digital representations of the singer seemingly giving birth to a tree, butterflies and robotic centipedes.

The Mother of Creation series was made by digital artist and animator Mike Winkelmann, who reportedly used scans of Madonna’s genitals to create the artworks.

The “Vogue” singer said the artistic message behind the works was to draw parallels between womanhood and the life of a tree.

“My journey through life as a woman is like that of a tree. Starting with a small seed, always pushing against the resistance of the Earth. The endless weight of gravity,” she elaborated.

Explaining her other input, she recalled, “I say we need a forest with creepy-crawly bugs coming out of me. Not often does a robot centipede crawl out of my vagina.”

Internet critics described the NFTs as “cringe” and “scary, yet hilarious,” with one person writing: “And there goes the final shred of heterosexuality I had remaining.”

The collection was auctioned on NFT marketplace SuperRare and sold for over $627,000.

One person summed up the collection by saying, “It’s dumb, but at least it’s bold.”

Granted Madonna likely qualifies more toward the sex blatant than the sex adjacent side of the spectrum, but some of us have marveled at her innovation for decades and appreciate her for precisely that. Of course we still spend a lot of time dreaming of San Pedro and La Isla Bonita.

Literally Sex Adjacent …

Family Sighs

A lesbian couple on TikTok, who look like they could have been separated at birth, discovered they might be siblings!

Canadian lovebirds Carley Gonschior and Mercedes Stewart, who run a popular TikTok account with more than 1.1M followers, have been together for over two years. But they claimed to have recently found out their mothers slept with the same guy back in the day.

One of their TikTok videos, which has garnered more than 12.3 million views, 1.5 million likes and over 10,000 comments, caused controversy after the women suggested they would probably continue their romantic relationship — even if DNA tests proved they were half-sisters.

One comment read, “You mean you guys didn’t think you were sisters already? You basically have the same face.”

Whether their story is the truth — or an elaborate clickbait ruse — while awaiting their DNA test results, the couple kept busy promoting their racy pay site.

You know, a person could get a couple of doctorates theorizing about “the morality” of a couple ending up in a loving relationship when they had no idea about any potential sibling relationship. A person could earn a couple of other doctorates theorizing about “the morality” of continuing that relationship even if they find this blood commality to be true. … We simply wonder whether this would have been much of a story at all had these two been a standard heterosexual couple. Maybe lesbians are just more fun.

Rubber to the Road

A feminist from the U.K. has caused some to spit the binky after suggesting babies who are bottle-fed are more likely to develop fetishes for gimp suits as adults.

Author and feminist Antonella Gambotto-Burke claims newborns sucking on fake teats is the reason some people develop fixations for rubber, while those who have been breast-fed are less likely to become rubber fetishists.

“Babies who suck on, smell and fiddle with rubber or synthetic rubber-teated bottles and dummies will quite naturally crave the same sensations in later life,” she said.

“People feel comforted by rubber. I know I do. I’ve always been drawn to it and love the smell and the feel of latex clothing.”

Gambotto-Burke believes her own predilections are connected to her past and explained, “Now I understand why: It’s because I was bottle-fed with those really thick, rubbery teats.”

Y’know, a lot of psychology — sex adjacent or not — simply sounds basically logical when you think about it. People like feet when they crawled around on the floor next to barefoot moms. Now people like rubber because they have a lot of bottle-fed (literally in this case) memories buried in their minds somewhere. OK. … So now explain people who get turned on by balloons popping.

Somehow Must Be Sex Adjacent …

Ya Gotta Have Cake

A man wearing a wig and lipstick has been arrested after throwing a slice of creamy cake at the Mona Lisa in Paris.

The 36-year-old man, who was disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair, tossed the cake at the iconic oil painting’s protective glass case — before being swiftly escorted from the Louvre Museum by security guards.

In a video widely shared on social media, the wig-wearing vandal can be heard ranting about climate change to shocked gallery visitors as he is dragged away.

“Think of the Earth! There are people who are destroying the Earth! Think about it. Artists tell you: Think of the Earth. That’s why I did this,” he said.

Another video making the rounds showed a guard quickly wiping cake remnants off the painting’s bulletproof barrier, while onlookers watched.

Officials said the half-baked protestor was arrested and taken to a psychiatric unit.

Weirdly enough, this isn’t the first time the world’s most famous painting has been attacked.

In 1911, the          disappeared from the museum without a trace. It was finally recovered more than two years later when someone tried to palm off the famous artwork to an Italian dealer.

During the ’50s, the painting suffered a damaging blow from a rock and was the target of an acid attack. In 1974, when it was on tour at the Tokyo National Museum in Japan, someone sprayed red paint on its glass cover, and in 2009, a Russian visitor, who was pissed off about being refused French citizenship, threw an empty ceramic mug at the painting, but the cup bounced off a protective screen and shattered on the floor.

Some of us, of course, think about Nat King Cole when we think of the Mona Lisa. Others, likely those fortunate enough to have been to Paris and the Louvre, immediately think something along the lines of, “Wow. That painting is a lot smaller than I thought it would be.” … We could not find even a single person who thought, “That picture really needs cake smeared on it. This would force people to consider pending environmental disasters.” Clearly we would make poor protestors.

Sex Adjacent Rag Doll (seriously)

A lovelorn Brazilian, who fell for a rag doll and married it, claimed she’s had a baby with her big softie beau.

Meirivone Rocha Moraes said after lamenting to her mom that she was single and had no one to dance with, her crafty parent played matchmaker and sewed her a boyfriend named Marcelo.

“When my mother made Marcelo and introduced me to him for the first time, I fell in love with him. It was love at first sight,” she said. “That was because I went to these dances but didn’t always find a partner.”

Shortly afterward, Moraes and Marcelo had a wedding witnessed by 250 of her closest friends and family. And according to the blushing bride, the couple consummated their vows and Moraes soon learned she was pregnant.

“It’s true. Marcelo got me pregnant. He wasn’t taking care of himself and didn’t use a condom,” she said.

The couple went on a honeymoon in Rio de Janeiro before returning home to “give birth” to a stuffed bundle of joy on a livestream watched by 200 viewers.

“Marcelo is a great and faithful husband. He is such a man, and all women envy him,” she boasted.

“He has so many great qualities, but the only downside is that he’s lazy. He doesn’t work at all. But I’m a warrior, and I keep it going for us.”

Ain’t love grand?

Um. We’re going to go with “Yes” and move quickly along.

Sex Adjacent … but EEEW

Remember the woman who made bank last year from selling her bottled farts? Well, due to a freak fart attack, she was forced to diversify and started selling her tit sweat instead!

Former 90 Day Fiancé star Steph Matto made headlines after claiming she earned over $200,000 from selling jars of her farts.

The fartpreneur reportedly earned a cool $1,000 per jar of hot gas. But Matto claimed she was forced to retire after her flatulence-forming diet of eggs, beans and protein shakes wreaked havoc by causing an excessive buildup of gas, which triggered frightening chest pains.

But the 31-year-old, who described herself as a “pretty inventive and innovative person,” seems to have adapted. She’s now hawking vials of her boob sweat for up to $500 each and said she’s already sold more than 50!

“I like to call myself the human maple tree and the boob sweat my sap. I sit there and collect my sap the same way a maple tree does,” she said.

“Sometimes it can vary how long it takes [to fill up a vial] as it depends on several scientific factors, mainly the heat, movement and how hydrated I am.”

Despite having her TikTok account recently disabled, Matto said the setback won’t stop her from her mission to normalize unconventional ways of making money.

“I have more haters than I can count! But I never quit, and I never stop!” she said.

We have decided to put this in the “crazy made up idea, just to see if any of the idiot wire services will pick it up” category. On the upside, it would eliminate arguing over what to watch when a bunch of new shows all show up on your DVR at one time.

Finally, the Sadly Sex Adjacent

Just when you thought we were slowly returning to a semblance of normality, a scientist has recently published some alarming findings that suggest penis sizes are shrinking!

Dr. Shanna Swan, an award-winning environmental epidemiologist, wrote in her book Count Down that microplastics and environmental pollution are causing higher rates of erectile dysfunction, a decline in fertility and boys to be born with smaller penises.

Describing the situation as an “existential crisis,” she explained in the book, “Chemicals in our environment and unhealthy lifestyle practices in our modern world are disrupting our hormonal balance, causing various degrees of reproductive havoc.

“Babies are now entering the world already contaminated with chemicals because of the substances they absorb in the womb.”

Dr. Swan said environmental pollutants like phthalates are to blame.

Phthalates are man-made chemical compounds used to make plastics more durable and flexible and increase the spreadability and absorption of personal care products. They’re used in endless items from shampoo and soaps, to vinyl flooring, solvents and even sex toys.

In research conducted on rats, rodent fetuses that had been exposed to phthalates showed signs of stunted development and males were more likely to be born with smaller penises than those not exposed.

The findings also suggested phthalates are responsible for erectile dysfunction and diluting sperm counts. Dr. Swan even cautioned sperm counts could reach zero by 2045!

Oddly, our sex adjacent examination comes to rest on basic male insecurity. Somehow, that seems fitting, as in many instances one could argue that still makes the world go around. Could probably earn a couple of doctorates on that topic too. Maybe we should start a Penthouse University. Syllabus one. Syllabus two. … Feel free to continue your independent study.