Honestly we have no idea how we went from too many snakes in Ireland to green beer in the U.S., but in fairness that hardly qualifies as the only confusing thing about American life.
Celebrating St Pats 2023 with Renee Olstead
Seriously, the post production department gave us a 10-second video clip of our January 2023 Pet of the Month doing a St Pats 2023 promotion. Seriously. Ten seconds. … No kidding.
Of course then we saw what a professional actress could do with ten seconds, and we thought, “What the heck. Ten seconds for St Pats 2023 it is!”
It turns out that it makes a difference when professionals do something. Golly. Ten seconds flat — the timing, not the beer. (And certainly not Renee.) … But this of course led to a different problem, that being we had no other guidance as to what to say about today other than gushing on about people with decades of acting experience. Full disclosure, leaving this crazy department with absolutely zero guidance shows either a great deal of faith or a complete disassociation with reality. We’ll see.
At first we thought we could do some research on Saint Patrick in general, maybe figure out how St Pats 2023 ended up being “a thing” in the first place, but honestly that sounded amazingly boring. It seems like Saint Patrick’s Day has something to do with celebrating all the snakes being driven out of Ireland centuries ago, but we could have that completely wrong. And it still does not explain the green beer. (Maybe they got the snakes drunk with it to make them easier to handle?) … Whatever the case, actually finding out the real answers did not sound like any fun at all.
But limericks come from Ireland (right?), and this holiday is about Ireland. Right? So what if we had everyone here write a limerick and we could then post them merrily along with our ten-second celebration featuring Renee? Everyone likes limericks better than history, and Saints just seem like dusty topics on top of that. So …
A brazen lass once did confide,
With Penthouse she’d nothing to hide.
Thus with observation,
And much twitterpation,
We saw for a fact she’d not lied.
We did check, and “twitterpation” is in fact a word. Who knew? Sounds fake, though, right? Like something that happened once Elon Musk bought Twitter? At any rate, holidified (not a word) photos of Renee Olstead sounded like they might put people in a better state of mind to be attempting alcohol with food coloring in it later in the day, so we tried that.
Fun, certainly, but maybe not much better than the poem. Then other entries arrived at the inbox. Then the boss got involved. … It was a thing. (Word to the wise, now that we no longer have Dilbert to guide us: Always try your best never to let the boss actually do anything. They should be in meetings, theorizing about various ways the company can take over the world, and more importantly keeping our jobs in the process. They should not be mingling with the hoi polloi down in the literary trenches. You see bosses always end up in admirable, press-releasey sorts of places.)
St Pats 2023 Limericks of Woman Power
With feminine power their clan,
They strip with uncommon élan.
Both upright and prone,
She lets all get shown,
Or doesn’t, if that is the plan.Empowerment reigns as our glow,
Though nudity causes the row.
Our women they tease,
Yet do as they please,
By choosing just what not to show.As Womanly power evolves,
The problems expand that she solves.
But do it undressed,
For that will quite test,
The breadth of the thoughts one resolves.
Left to our own plebeian machinations, we would tend to end up with a much more common tenor to our bass instincts. (See what we did there?)
Limericks of the Bourgeoisie
At once to mag Penthouse we go,
Where everything they like to show.
There’s articles sure,
And thoughts not so pure,
So often you’ll hear us yell, “Whoa!”To please you a Pet must confess
Her deepest desire and unrest.
For honestly counts
As much as her bounce,
But mostly it’s will she undress.
All in all, Renee was better. No doubt. Wouldn’t you love it if she were your actual bartender? She’d make a killing in tips, even if all she could serve was beer of various colors.
We will have to admit that the editorial staff felt fairly proud of this collection of limericks for St Pats 2023 that did not once include the word “Nantucket’ in its verse. And in theory not every update on penthouse.com must necessarily cover some serious topic, illustrate some injustice, or even relate a conversation with someone interesting. Still … limericks?
Should you wish to add a tad more reverence to your day, we can point you to the actual Cathedral in Dublin. Or we can encourage you to visit Renee Olstead on either Instagram or Twitter and tell her what a bang-up job she did in, yes, a mere ten seconds on penthouse.com today. Of course you can research her here too. (We’re way too reserved and official to say “bone up on” in this context.)
