I’ll be the first to acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is an absolute sham of a holiday, but I don’t make the rules. I would like to propose some for gift-giving though.

2023 Valentines — A Brief Introduction Followed by, perhaps, A Slight (but ever-so-respectful) Warning

Mia Huffman and her 2023 ValentineWe really do want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day, and Ms. Mia Huffman here does an exceptional job with that. We also received what appears to be the result of a long-long Girls’ Night Out evening with a collection of people we know well, but who wish to remain anonymous. Without giving away too much at the outset, we can give you our theory. … There may have been wine involved. There may have been lots and lots of wine involved. Doesn’t make them wrong, though. … Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, and all that. …

Rules for Gift Giving from Hot Girls

This Penthouse contributing editor does not identify as a Hot Girl, but she does know and work with a lot of them. Read on for valuable gift-buying insight from the arbiters of cool: a collection of Penthouse-approved tastemakers, fashionistas, and stylish mavens.

1. Thoughtful Gift > Expensive Gift.

“It’s the thought that counts” depicts how we generally self-soothe after getting (or giving) a gift that underwhelms. But when it comes to Valentine’s Day, putting some real thought into your gift will get you much farther than spending incrementally more money on something generic that holds no specific meaning for your partner.

Whatever your budget, be intentional with your gift. Flowers are never a bad idea (especially if you plan on giving multiple gifts), but don’t just default to a dozen red roses from your neighborhood bodega. This reeks of Panic Gift and implies you didn’t think about buying your partner anything until 4pm on February 14th. Don’t be a panic gifter!

If you do go the floral route, be aware of some rules. A beautiful bouquet of standalone roses makes a romantic statement, but you should buy a minimum of two dozen premium roses from a local florist (not 1-800 Flowers) and expect to spend at least $150. That said, a unique bouquet featuring her favorite blooms and colors is both tasteful and thoughtful, and probably cheaper. (Can you not identify her favorite flower? You should know this.) See more on flowers under Rule 10.

If you feel particularly industrious, take the leap and make the arrangement yourself (great classes on Flower Arranging 101 available at the University of YouTube). Trader Joe’s always has a beautiful selection of reasonably priced fresh flowers and fillers, but make sure you deliver them pre-cut and arranged in a vase. This ceramic vase ($20) comes in a great neutral color that she’ll definitely re-use — and she’ll think of you every time she pulls it out. (Now would be a good time to stop with the dirty mind.)

2. Give her something she won’t buy for herself.

Save the practical gifts or household upgrades for another holiday. No furniture, appliances, products related to laundry and cleaning, or really anything that she “needs” for Valentine’s Day. We gift “wants” on Valentine’s Day. Therein lies the special nature of the holiday. A Valentine’s Day present should be indulgent (not useful) and pretty (not practical). … Unless it’s a sex toy, which qualifies as all of those things. (See? We will address that dirty mind a bit later.)

Should you be interested in our list of pretty, pretty useless things that Hot Girls covet currently…

3. Speaking of Sex Toys.

You want the easy answer: DO NOT over think this. A sex toy, specifically a vibrator, makes for an excellent Valentine’s Day gift. Are you worried it won’t be well-received? Don’t be. Gifting her a vibrator tells her you want to prioritize her pleasure and that you enjoy watching/making her orgasm, regardless of how it happens. (This will be incredibly hot to hear said out loud, by the way.) It also says you do not consider your manhood threatened by a vibrating piece of plastic and — more importantly (sorry, dickheads) — her sexual satisfaction continues in importance to you. … We considered putting that last part in BOLD, bright neon pink, flashing letters, by the way. If you pay attention to only one thing in this entire helpful missive, pay attention to this important messaging, y’all!

There are a zillion “best of” guides out there, but we put together a roundup of Hot Girl favorites that we consider great for partner play specifically:

  • The Billionaire ($60) — Hot Girls’ Father, Alex Cooper personally endorsed this on a recent episode of her hit podcast, Call Her Daddy. Pro Tip: Let this toy replace your fingers so you can focus all your attention on what you’re doing with your tongue. (You’re welcome.)
  • Tiani 3 (currently on sale for $135) — Lelo has become known for their high-tech toys, and the Tiani 3 takes the prize for the best couple’s vibrator Hot Girls have found. It takes a minute to get the positioning right, but this remote-controlled device can be used by itself or with penetration. Either way, we can guarantee good times.
  • I Cum First Vibez ($99) — Hot Girls love all WOO More Play products, not to mention their elite messaging/packaging, but this truly earns the MVP Award for clitoral vibrators. We also have found it the most helpful should simultaneous orgasms be your goal. (HINT: They should be your goal.)
  • Double-Sided Wand ($98) — this qualifies as the better/prettier version of the classic Magic Wand. Guaranteed to work quickly, every time, you will love using this on your partner — over and over again.

If you need something more budget-friendly (because Valentine’s Day gifts don’t need to be that serious!), take a look at Adam and Eve. These toys have all sold tens of thousands of units and are under $50:

4. Vibrators should always be gifted (and used) with lube.

Even if your partner already has a go-to lube that they love, use this as an opportunity to branch out and try something different. Cannabis-infused lubes (either CBD, THC, or a combo) are blowing up right now. Hot Girls love Foria, which is a great company that has been active in the cannabis wellness space for more than a decade. We think their Sex Oil ($44) and Awaken Arousal Oil ($48), both with CBD, truly wonderful. Pro Tip: Experiment with both and buy their Teaser package. You’ll get travel size bottles of each ($38 for 15ml bottles).

Cannabis lube not your partner’s thing? Hot Girls also love these products:

  • Water-based lube: Lelo Personal Moisturizer ($29.90 for 150ml); great for toys, and easy to clean up.
  • Silicon-based lube: Uberlube ($32 for 3.8 fl.oz.); more lubricating and water-resistant than water-based lube
  • Oil-based lube: Coconut Love Oil by WOO More Play ($25 for 3.3 fl.oz.); vanilla + stevia combine as ingredients to make this lube actually taste good! Safe to consume orally and very moisturizing. Pro Tip: store this in the shower. Oil-based lubes can harden in cold temps. OK to use with most sex toys, but never use oil-based lube with condoms!

If you skimmed that section about lube because you thought to yourself “My partner doesn’t need/use lube” … Hi. … Hello! You are the problem. Scroll back up, re-read it, and add to cart accordingly. Shame on you.

Hot Girls need more lube. (Again, you’re welcome.)

5. Absolutely. No. Gift. Cards.

We can put this simply: Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. (And you will definitely not be collecting any nookie.) Mark this as a complete non-starter in your brain and burn it in so it stays there forever. The whole idea behind a great Valentine’s Day gift (or really any great gift) comes from the fact that you picked out something specifically for her. But do encourage her to exchange your gift for a color/scent/size/etc. that brings her the most joy. Most brands and stores have generous return/exchange policies as long as you have a gift receipt. So don’t forget the gift receipt. (More jail. Sad.)

That said, “money” has a bit of its own category …

  • Cash Gifts < $300 = jail, loneliness, despair
  • Cash Gifts > $500 = acceptable, but still seriously missing the point

Again, I don’t make the rules, just make sure there’s a card with your handwriting on it if you give up and gift her actual currency. [You could go to a money exchange center and convert $500 to over 9,000 pesos, which still probably lands you in jail, but at least you can laugh about it if you were on your way out anyway. -Ed.]

6. Think twice about buying heart-shaped jewelry.

Gifting jewelry on Valentine’s Day tends to be very nuanced. There are too many caveats and exceptions to allow for a fully comprehensive etiquette section, but we can shoot for some general guidelines and (relatively) fool proof recommendations:

  • Unless hearts are your partner’s thing, we suggest staying away from heart-shaped jewelry. Yes, hearts are supposed to symbolize Love, but when it comes to accessories, hearts are tacky and kitschy 9 out of 10 times. Unless done tastefully in a small format, like this Tiny Hearts bracelet ($144) and choker ($234), which we think represent neither tragic nor tacky. This heart bracelet, in onyx though, might also be very cute if you just gotta have a heart ($325).
  • Hot Girls may be many things, but never, ever basic. They don’t like imitation jewelry, or anything from a big box store. No CZ (cubic zirconia) or dupes from Amazon. And let’s agree not to gift her jewelry (or flowers) from Costco, Walmart, or a jewelry chain like Zales or Jared — as a man of Penthouse, we want you to have higher standards. Pro Tip: visit a local jewelry store. (No kidding.) They will have a good selection of quality pieces at a fraction of the cost that you’d pay for a similar item at a boutique jeweler like Tiffany or Cartier. The markup all lives in the brand! Sales associates are usually extremely helpful if you give them a budget and general idea of what you’re looking for, so come prepared with some ideas and parameters.
  • Commit to at least 10-karat white, yellow, or rose gold. If you’re gifting her jewelry, it needs to be high quality. But don’t worry, you can still get “nice” jewelry for +/- $200-300.
  • Likewise, don’t immediately assume that a piece of jewelry with diamonds or a precious stone will be out of your budget. Even a tiny diamond can be chic, and it will immediately feel more precious (and important to her).
  • Pay attention to what kind of jewelry she wears regularly, as this will help you narrow down your search. Does she wear mostly gold, or silver? Does she have a favorite color, or is she particularly attached to her birthstone? Are there any numbers or symbols (or dare I say, astrological signs) that are important to her?

Hot Girl-approved jewelry:

  • We like Catbird as a great place to shop for inexpensive, but high-quality jewelry. Their pieces are more minimalist and understated, but this can be a good thing because it means she can wear her gift every day and mix and match it with her other favorite pieces.
  • Use the filters on The Last Line to find cute pieces in your budget that are a lot of fun and little funky. Hot Girls especially love their earrings. Pro Tip: If your girl has multiple piercings on her ears, it’s perfectly acceptable to buy her two earrings of different designs (rather than a pair of two that are the same). Individual ear stacks remain very much a thing.
  • If you want to splurge on diamonds, consider a tennis bracelet or necklace. Noémie has some very reasonably priced high-quality options; this pink sapphire and white diamond bracelet comes in at $1980 and would be perfect for Valentine’s Day. Their necklaces start at $6,400 for three carats, which we think is a good price for the quality. [Corollary: Date Hot Girls at your own risk. -Ed.]
  • If you happen to be in the “care nothing about the money” category, expectations run high, so chances are she expects a blue box from Tiffany or a red box from Cartier. We love this for her, but remember that Hot Girls are not basic — they want to stand out. Choose something from Tiffany’s HardWear collection, which is relatively new, or a Lock bracelet. And instead of something from Cartier’s Love collection (which makes sense, we get it, but no), go with something from Joust un Clou or Panthére.

7. Lingerie = OUT. Bougie Loungewear = IN.

Polling suggests that expensive lingerie as a standalone gift ends up being a little too useless, especially if she doesn’t usually wear it. That said, if you’re gifting her several things and have a healthy budget, a bra & panty set (or silk robe) can definitely be one of them. La Perla reigns as the ultimate Hot Girl brand for elevated lingerie, and if you’re able to shop in-person their sales associates are great at helping you pick something out.

Clothing can be tough because choosing the right size will never be a fun game. But if you know her size (or can sneak a peek in her closet), consider buying her some bougie activewear or loungewear. If she’s a lululemon girlie, get her something from Alo Yoga – Hot Girls love this Scholar Hooded Sweater ($218). If she does end up exchanging it, a $200 credit to Alo will be enough to buy a cute set or several smaller pieces that she really loves/wants.

8. An “experience” can definitely be a gift, but plan accordingly.

It was the Hot Girls’ Lord and Savior, JLo, who told us that “Love don’t cost a thing.” … Extrapolating from that wisdom, Hot Girls recognize that sometimes the perfect gift may not actually be a gift, per se. A romantic date, an overnight staycation, tickets to a show or play your partner has been dying to see — all of these can be wonderfully thoughtful alternatives to a traditional present. Kenzie Anne, the ultimate Hot Girl and Penthouse Pet of the Year in 2022, said her perfect Valentine’s Day gift will always be “a picnic on the beach with some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. I’m totally cliché, the cheesier the better!” Sometimes, the girls who have everything just want your time and attention.

For a list of Hot Girl-approved picnic ingredients:

  • Splurge on some nice champagne, but make sure you keep it chilled. Veuve Clicquot ($50) is universally loved and pairs well with our food choices. If your girl likes sparkling rosé, Perrier Jouet ($64.99) remains a great choice. Bonus points if you bring actual champagne flutes. If you’re worried about glass breaking — valid — try these metal ones instead ($25).
  • Source Chocolate covered strawberries locally from a good bakery or specialty grocer, but if you must purchase them online, go direct from a chocolate company like Godiva ($42 for six, $80 for twelve) or a specialty provider like Shari’s Berries ($30 for six, $45 for twelves). I cannot stress this enough, Hot Girls do NOT want anything from Edible Arrangements.
  • Caviar seems to be having a moment with Hot Girls right now, actually. Serving this at a picnic requires a little more prep (don’t forget the pearl spoon!), but it may be worth it. California Caviar Company has a large selection, but you can’t go wrong with the Royal Osetra ($158 for 1oz.). Regiis Ova would be another good purveyor, and they offer gift boxes that come with a spoon and a cold pack that are perfectly ready for a picnic ($160 for 30g of Royal Osetra). If you think the idea of caviar is sexy (Hot Girls do) but don’t want to commit to the real thing, try this chocolate caviar by Russ & Daughters ($9).
  • Caviar does need to be served cold, and while many Hot Girls like to eat caviar straight, it’s not a bad idea to pack some toasted bread points or crackers to accompany it.
  • With a picnic, less is more. Trying to assemble a complicated charcuterie board with tons of ingredients will be stressful. One drink option + one food option will be perfect (although maybe bring an extra bottle of champagne just in case). And be conscious of time, most Hot Girls don’t want to be outside for more than an hour. As a rule of thumb, if you’re watching a sunset, you should go outside 30 minutes before sunset and stay outside for no more than 30 minutes after.
  • Finally, Hot Girls do not like single-use plastic, so make sure to bring reusable containers and utensils. Recycling is sexy.

9. Cooking qualifies as hot — if you’re actually talented.

If you have never been objectively told by someone who is either not related to, or sleeping with, you that you are a good cook, don’t plan to make her dinner. This will not be the night to try out a recipe you Googled while you were walking around Whole Foods listening to Joe Rogan.

If you do happen to be good in the kitchen, though, you can absolutely plan a night in centered around her favorite foods. Make sure you dote on her from beginning to end, starting with flowers and champagne and ending with a decadent dessert (fine if you have to go store-bought on this, so as long as it’s something she loves). Make sure you also take care of the clean-up, and bonus points if you gift her a sex toy (see above) or something for the bedroom — this pajama set from Cosabella is both sexy and comfortable ($140). [Triple bonus points if you let her start without you while you do the dishes. You’ll see. -Ed.]

10. Dinner dates are still cool.

If you’re no chef but you want dinner to be the present, make a reservation at a nice restaurant — either one you both love, or one you’ve never been to but have wanted to try. Even if the vibes are more casual, be sure to dress sharp and bring her flowers. Treat her to multiple courses, and definitely order dessert.

If you need help picking out a good restaurant, Eater has great guides for lots of big cities. You can also scroll through reservation apps like Resy and OpenTable to see the most popular and top-rated restaurants in your city, along with their availability on a given day.

Pro Tip: Do not gift her a dinner out and then offer to let her to choose the restaurant. 90% of the gift is the thought you put into selecting the destination and making plans in advance — asking her to choose or make the reservation = straight to jail.

11. Valentine’s Day gifting isn’t just for those who are cuffed!

This holiday has been wildly overly romanticized, but that doesn’t mean that buying (or making!) small gifts for friends, family members, and co-workers isn’t appropriate. If anything, since it’s unexpected, gifts like these are even more appreciated. Hot Girls reported that if they found out that a guy they are interested in always sends his mom or sister a gift on Valentine’s Day it’s an immediate green flag. [So lie, brother, lie. -Ed.]

For a platonic gift, flowers make a great neutral choice. If you don’t live in the same city as your recipient or can’t facilitate an in-person exchange, UrbanStems has some really nice V-Day bouquets at a variety of price points that will ship overnight, as does Farmgirl Flowers if you want something a little less big-box and more environmentally friendly (their flowers ship wrapped in burlap).

Alternatively, assembling a LEGO bouquet that will stay in bloom all year round makes for a fun, unique surprise they’re sure to remember. Hot (Nerdy) Girls love the original Flower Bouquet ($59.99), but LEGO just released a Wildflower alternative ($59.99), or you could build your own using their collections of roses, daffodils, sunflowers, or tulips (each sold separately).

Candy will always be the universal gift. Buy a few big bags from the candy aisle and bring them into work to share. People will pretend to be annoyed by the temptation, but they’re lying.

12. DON’T FORGET THE CARD

Even the greatest, most expensive, thoughtful gift will be meaningless without a card. A quick, heartfelt note scribbled on piece of printer paper can be just as thoughtful as a three-page love letter written in cursive if you get the messaging right. Be specific with your compliments and make sure they come from the heart. Even if the bulk of your message qualifies as X-rated, there should still be some thoughtful expression of true emotion somewhere in the card. Bonus points for a romantic sign-off that does not fall into the trite “I love you/Love” valediction. This should be the time to dig deep and be a little more creative.

At the risk of contradicting a core tenet of these certainly well-qualified (and hot) women, those whole “thought counts more than expense” concept does have some practical limits. Should you gift your current flame with a Ferrari, you would be unlikely to hear, “But I already have a car,” as her first response. In a different scenario, you might hear, “Wow. Who knew I would love a 5-carat flawless diamond?” rather than, “I disapprove of ostentatious jewelry.” … Just sayin’. … We WILL say, however, that all of these suggestions will provide an excellent backup you can order quickly while explaining, “Oh, THAT present. No-no. THAT present is just for tonight while we wait on the present that did not get here in time. … Yeah, that’s it!”

Have Something to Add?