Is Sex Necessary? pondered E. B. White in the title of a book he wrote with James Thurber in 1929. Two decades later, in an article in The New Yorker, White unwittingly answered his own question with the immortal quote: “His words leap across rivers and mountains, but his thoughts are still only six inches long.”

Turning On to Turning Off

A recent Penthouse survey shows that celibacy is becoming a preferred lifestyle for many Americans.

The debate about whether sex is a basic requirement of human existence. Like breathing or eating, has raged among philosophers and poets for hundreds of years. Some have contended that celibacy is an unnatural state of being.

Havelock Ellis, the early-twentieth-century philosopher, went so far as to denounce celibates for violating history. “The omnipresent process of sex, as it is woven into the whole texture of one man’s or woman’s body,” he wrote, “is the pattern of all the processes of our life.”

The virtues of celibacy have long been contingent on gender. Women in our society have been encouraged to withhold sexual favors until they marry, while heterosexual men who practice celibacy are often derided by their peers for being “sissies” or, worse yet, “faggots.”

In fact, the way people react to celibacy has frequently seemed to revolve around fear more than anything else.

In many men’s eyes, the male celibate must be a woman-hater. If he doesn’t like women, the thought continues, then he probably prefers men. According to therapists, the celibate man can be perceived as a threat by his friends in two ways. First, the celibate is seen as a challenge to their own masculinity. The paranoid fantasy goes something like this: “If he doesn’t have sex with women, maybe deep down he wants to have sex with me.”

Celibates also prompt sexually active friends to question their own lifestyles. If John abstains from sex and happily sticks to his decision, his friend Fred may re view with doubt his own sexual mores. Whatever the case, feelings about celibacy are changing. Celibacy isn’t just becoming more popular again — some of our readers say they know dozens of people who are celibate — but, in the wake of fears about herpes and AIDS, it is also taking on a new respectability.

The fact that so many men are trying or have tried celibacy was well proven by the impressive response to Penthouse’s “Celibacy Questionnaire” (December 1985). Men and women from all 50 states — and from as far away as Spain, Italy, West Germany, Japan, and the Phil — completed the questionnaire and, in some cases, added lengthy personal letters, complete with phone numbers and business cards.

Most respondents were between the ages of 25 and 32. but we also heard from teenagers and senior citizens. The men, who accounted for eight out of every ten responses, ranged in age from college freshmen to a 74-year-old retired doctor: the women were between 18 and 55. The fact that eight out of ten responses came from men was surprising because, as studies show, women are more likely to answer questionnaires and have replied in large numbers to past Penthouse surveys. Also, celibacy has been thought to be primarily a women’s issue.

Many of the men were genuinely gratified to see such a questionnaire. “Glad someone cares,” wrote Mike, a 45-year-old mechanic from Dallas. “Your article made me do some serious thinking about myself,” said Tom, a 24-year-old teacher from Atlanta.

Why do people choose celibacy in the first place? Is there a common driving force that makes them disavow sex? Among the more typical replies was this one from Michael, a 28-year-old communications technician from Oklahoma City: “I was letting my sex drive control my life, and I didn’t like the person I had become. Then I got used by a gal I really cared for and that woke me up to how females felt when I used them. It served me right! Now, over the past two years, I’ve been waiting to meet a woman who cares about me the same way I care about her.”

Paul, a 49-year-old craps dealer from Reno, Nevada, echoed his sentiments. He says he “slept with over 1,000 women” before turning celibate four and a half years ago. “My penis was leading me around the world, and seemed to be more important than breathing or eating. It pressured me by saying, ‘Find a hole for me or I’ll ruin your life! Obey!’”

How does celibacy feel after so many years of being on the make? Paul reports, “I feel that I’m no longer ruled by sex and have matured appreciably. Instead of always trying to get laid, I feel freer than ever before and have got more time to do other things.”

Marcie’s problem wasn’t too much sex — it was that it wasn’t good enough. Now 27 and up for a doctorate at a Canadian university, the Tucson, Arizona, woman explained that she’d been celibate for four years because “I like sex a lot, but I refuse to settle for crummy sex.” She described her previous sexual experience as “rampant. I’ve been fucked in cars, on a tennis court, in the woods, in every kind of bed or couch, on an old mattress in a vacant lot. I could get high on fucking.

“I am not really looking for commitment. In fact, I would really like to cut loose and have a few meaningless sexual encounters with guys and girls. But I don’t ever meet guys I’d want to drop my pants for. So far, I don’t know what to do about it. I think I need to be seduced.”

“I am not really looking for commitment. In fact, I would really like to cut loose and have a few meaningless sexual encounters with guys and girls. But I don’t ever meet guys I’d want to drop my pants for. So far, I don’t know what to do about it. I think I need to be seduced.”

“I am not really looking for commitment. In fact, I would really like to cut loose and have a few meaningless sexual encounters with guys and girls. But I don’t ever meet guys I’d want to drop my pants for. So far, I don’t know what to do about it. I think I need to be seduced.”

Another man, one of several dozen married celibates we heard from, said he was halfway into a two-year period of abstinence imposed on him by his wife. “But if I don’t do everything she wants. she’ll add time to my sentence,” wrote George, 39. a Houston, Texas, businessman.

Perhaps the strangest role celibacy has played in respondents’ lives was as an element in a year long contest between two women in Los Angeles: “I should be an actress.” wrote 22-year-old Charlotte, “but I’m still just a waitress.” Charlotte, and her friend and fellow waitress Mary, made a bet as to who could “do it with the most guys we met at the restaurant. So, we wouldn’t be directly competing for the same guys, we decided to alternate months.

“The ’off months’ sure get my juices flowing, and I turn into a real tease. For example, at work our dress code is white shorts and T-shirts. I don’t wear a bra. During off months, when a group of guys or especially a guy and a girl are at my table, I’ll go in the back and hike up my shorts so they accentuate my lips and tweak my nips so they show through my shirt. I really enjoy trying to get the man to take his eyes off his girlfriend.

“One month, on my way to a nude beach, I passed a pair of swimsuited bathers. She had monster boobs and looked great in her bikini. He was a hunk! I walked north, laid down my blanket, took off my suit, and slowly strolled toward them in ankle-deep water. He tried to be cool. When I passed by I said, ‘Hi.’ Then she looked up. I knew he was looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Knowing I wasn’t after him sexually, it just gave me a sense of power over the girl with the big boobs — that he would look at me over her.”

Charlotte and Mary’s experiment will last a year. “When the clock strikes 12 on the last day, I know I’ll be doing it,” wrote Charlotte. She claims she doesn’t worry about getting VD during her “on months.”

We wondered how many people are turning off to sex to avoid contracting a sexually transmitted disease. In the first such national survey since the start of the AIDS scare, we found celibates far more concerned about diseases than those we interviewed in July 1985 for our “Celibacy Chic” article (December 1985). Then, the threat of contracting AIDS was cited as a “significant factor” by a third of the women and a quarter of the men. Our most significant finding is the dramatic increase in these numbers. Half of the current respondents became celibate, in part, because of the fear of sexual disease. The rise in such anxiety has been sharpest among men: 47 percent of the men said they feared disease, compared to 37 percent of the women.

Having presumably put much behind them — the fears of being used, of using other people, of low self-esteem, of not finding “quality” sex, and of contracting sexual disease — we also wondered if celibates actually enjoyed the experience.

“I feel angry, tense, bored, and very hemmed-in, like a prisoner who has desires but cannot break free to enjoy them,” complained Tom, 29, a Salt Lake City musician who broke up with his girlfriend five years ago and has not “gone all the way since. It’s hard to be carefree when one part of you is treated as an outcast.”

On the other hand, James, 25, a lawyer from Rockingham, North Carolina, said a year’s celibacy is making him feel “relaxed, proud, and sensitive.” The difference from Tom’s experience is that James chose his. “I had my first relationship at 18. From then until I married at 21 and after I divorced at 23, I thought that the more women you could have, the bigger man you were. I spent so much time chasing women that I lost the reality of who I really was.”

Celibate women, in particular, enjoyed their experience.

“I took a good look at my soul, scrubbed it with Ajax, and started over,” said Sandra, a 50-year-old business woman from Yuma, Arizona, who has no intention of renouncing her seven years of celibacy. “It’s a way of life I choose for myself that draws a lot of healthy, happy people to my environment. It gives me peace of mind and spiritual growth, while freeing me from emotional battles.”

Celibacy, it seems, is a lifestyle with both positive and negative aspects. For instance, Jamie, a 25-year-old from Gibsonburg, Ohio, found “I felt better about myself by realizing I didn’t need sex to be happy.” However, she admits, the last six months of celibacy have been difficult. “I find myself craving sex. And it’s hard to have a relationship with a man without sex.”

While our study found wide differences of opinion between the sexes, we discovered a surprising lack of division between men and women when asked if they thought celibacy was healthy. Slightly more than half of all respondents — men and women — replied yes.

However, just as Jamie discovered, making celibacy work in individual situations may be quite difficult. Our study found that 22 percent of the women and 24 percent of the men who tried it think celibacy is unhealthy. One reason: Many men entered their celibate periods with low expectations of success, while most women told us they thought it would be a breeze.

Jane, 44, a lonely divorcee and data entry operator from Topeka, Kansas, said her nine months of celibacy have been horrible. “There are no advantages. I’m bored and frustrated.” Asked what might cause her to want to have sex again, she wrote: “Anybody.” “It was unhealthy,” agreed Teresa, 39, a Madison, Wisconsin, office manager who spent two and a half years in celibacy following a broken four-year relationship. “After I came out of hibernation, I realized how much fun I was missing. It was bad not only for myself but for the other people in my life. I did what I felt I had to do at the time, but I would never do it again. It was not natural, and humans were not intended to live in such a manner. It took me a long time to rekindle the warmth from being held, touched, and being made love to.”

How celibates rated their experiences seemed to depend upon how they handled their new lifestyle on a daily basis. For those who limped along with no basic rules to follow, the change was often traumatic, even when they masturbated to make up for the loss of sexual gratification. Jane, for example, masturbates every day; Teresa masturbated several times a week while she was celibate. Still, though Jane and Teresa were in the majority, the number was not as high as we had expected. A surprising one out of every seven personal most twice as many women (19 percent) as men (11 percent) — said they did not masturbate during celibacy.

How celibates rated their experiences seemed to depend upon how they handled their new lifestyle on a daily basis. For those who limped along with no basic rules to follow, the change was often traumatic, even when they masturbated to make up for the loss of sexual gratification. Jane, for example, masturbates every day; Teresa masturbated several times a week while she was celibate. Still, though Jane and Teresa were in the majority, the number was not as high as we had expected. A surprising one out of every seven personal most twice as many women (19 percent) as men (11 percent) — said they did not masturbate during celibacy.

Handling their own frustration is just one of several problems that celibates said they had to overcome. Though some readers chose not to date so they wouldn’t have to decide where to draw the line with their companions, most considered hugging and kissing to be acceptable. “I go out to dinner and dancing with my male friends, but it’s purely platonic,” commented Jill, a 30-year-old office clerk from Concord, California. With a history of having had sex “up to six times a day,” she says she simply got tired of “men ogling my breasts or just raping me with their eyes, and feeling under pressure to have sex.” Now married “to a man I don’t want to have sex with but horny more times than not,” she described her limits this way: “There is no way I could comprehend heavy petting without then making love.”

Although some readers said their companions accepted their celibacy, or even admired them for it, most took it personally. “When I tell them I’m celibate, a lot of men feel rejected,” said Sandra from Yuma. Explained Jim, a 34-year-old aircraft technician from Moraga, California: “I may be celibate, but I like being with women. During 13 years of celibacy, I’ve dated 216 women. including 23 in 1985, all of whom rejected me right away when they found out I was celibate. Many women felt they weren’t beautiful or sexy and thought I was rejecting them. My main problem is that, after going out one to three times with each, I have to keep finding new women to date. As soon as one woman finds out I’m celibate, I need to find a new one.”

It’s little wonder that such a lifestyle can be rather depleting if you have to spend more time finding people to replace those who feel rejected. It all depends on how you take it. “Celibacy has nothing to do with loneliness,” wrote one independent female reader. Extroverts like Jim, who depend on social contact to make them feel fulfilled, would disagree; for him, the combination of being good-looking and celibate is a curse. “I’m tired of women who just want a good fuck,” He said.

But how does celibacy affect one’s energy level? Is Jim’s experience just an anomaly? “Celibacy helps channel more energy into relationships,” said Martha Allen, editor of The Celibate Woman. But that isn’t what the respondents said. A whopping 60 percent reported they had the same or less energy while celibate; 40 percent said they had more energy.

“I feel that I’m no. longer ruled by sex and have matured appreciably. I feel freer than ever before and have more time to do other things.”

Ironically — and contrary to popular belief — celibacy seems to be more draining for women than men. Men, in fact, found celibacy invigorating, while women generally felt they had the same amount of energy. This is how the figures stacked up: 41 percent of the men said they had more energy, 16 percent had less energy, and 43 percent had the same energy; 37 percent of the women found their stamina increased, 40 percent said it was the same, and an impressive 23 percent had less energy.

Perhaps the advantages and disadvantages of celibacy reported to Penthouse help explain our survey’s findings. Here are some of the advantages reported by male respondents:

  • “It gives me time to look in the mirror to see myself as I really am and to focus on myself as an independent person. Now I have the freedom to be involved in everything.”
  • “There’s no pressure to get a gal in the sack as soon as possible, no unwanted relationships, and, best of all, no bullshit.”
  • “Peace of mind, control of energy, time for other activities, less game-playing, freedom of expression, and friendship with the opposite sex are the main pluses.”
  • “There’s no herpes, no AIDS, and no heartaches. And I don’t have to worry about how I perform.”
  • “I keep my self-respect.”
  • “I feel less dependent on another person for happiness.”
  • “It gave me time to rid myself of the bad feelings I had about my sex life.”
  • “Some women are terrible lovers. They play-act arousal and fake responses. Being celibate frees me from dealing with them.”
  • ”I’m much more relaxed.” Advantages cited by female respondents include:
  • “I’m more at ease in social situations, because I don’t have to do something or get someone. I can participate with everyone because I’m not looking for someone.”
  • “Being celibate enables me to be myself. I no longer have to think and feel as a mate would lead me to.”
  • “I now have time to evaluate a person with my brain, not my hormones.”
  • “Because there’s no extra person in my life to worry about pleasing, taking care of, and shaving my legs for, I’ve got a lot more time to spend on myself, on people I love who don’t require sex, and on my work.”
  • “Guys treat me like their buddy because they think I’m gay. I get to hear a lot of locker-room type talk that I’d otherwise miss out on.”
  • “Showers just aren’t the same, and Sunday mornings can sure be lonely.”
  • “I have to turn down relationships with very attractive women.”
  • “I miss the comfort and companionship of another human being. I also miss having a sexual release. Masturbating just isn’t satisfying enough.”
  • “Friends always want to know if I scored with a gal. Now I don’t know what to tell them.”
  • “What I really miss is not being able to discuss the highs and lows of the day with someone.”
  • “My skin problems always flare up when I’m celibate.”
  • “The worst thing is denying my sexuality. I get angry and tense and don’t know what to do about it.”

The women answered:

  • “I still get horny when I see a good-looking man on TV or in person. A bigger problem is wanting to cuddle or hold hands and not having someone to do it with.”
  • “Celibacy pulls me apart from human contact, of which sex is the ultimate.”
  • “During the times without men, I wish I had somebody around to share the good things and the bad.”
  • “The biggest problem is not being able to respond to men’s advances. You see, I love to flirt, but I don’t in a celibate period as I feel it makes me a tease. Also, I miss sleeping with someone — that nice, warm body to curl up to and hold. Plus there’s nobody to wash my back for me.”
  • ”After such a long time of celibacy, I forgot how to turn myself on. much to the chagrin of my subsequent partners. I also became emotionally numb.”
  • “Since I don’t worry about how I look, I usually gain about 20 pounds.”
  • “It makes me feel blue and that makes me stop eating. Friends tell me I look too thin.”

While loneliness was the most common disadvantage cited by readers, the main “plus” reported was the ability of celibates to see others in “a new light.” No longer viewing life in a sexual framework. celibates say they are able to “look past” the tight jeans, low-cut blouses, and macho cars to an individual’s “deeper” qualities: what a potential mate wants out of life, whether he or she is capable of being a friend first, and how their personalities may or may not mesh. “Women who I’m dating think it’s a little strange that all I want is their friendship and companionship and not their bodies,” wrote Moraga’s Jim. “What I’m looking for is a lifetime friend — someone who really understands me and wants to make a commitment.”

Indeed, the most interesting aspect of the survey was what it said about how people’s tastes have changed. Americans in the eighties appear to have more sophisticated desires in the realm of relationships than their parents had in the fifties and sixties. They’re also more serious. Though some celibates admitted they’d adopted the lifestyle to escape the responsibilities that go along with coupling, and a few wanted to “just have fun,” most said they no longer wanted to substitute superficial, “fun” relationships for people who could really meet their needs, even if the “fun” people were immediately available to them. They wanted believability, not just kind words or flattery. They wanted possible future lovers to share common goals and attitudes, and to be more like them.

Most readers said going without sex broadened their perspective toward the opposite sex. “My dates talk to me more about themselves and their goals.” replied Cindy, 38, a twice-divorced saleswoman from Orange, California. Even so, during her year without sex, she’s let some companions lightly caress her breasts. “But I may want to save the rest for the right person — someone who would be a good marriage partner.”

Women especially concurred with Cindy’s remarks: 74 percent felt celibacy broadened their view of the opposite sex, compared to 68 percent of the men. Nevertheless, few celibates saw their lifestyle as permanent. “I don’t really believe in it,” said Bob, 27, a real estate appraiser in New York City. “I spend all day working and don’t have time for involvement. This just simplifies things for me right now.”

When asked what would make them renounce their celibacy, more than half the respondents said finding “the right man” or “the right woman.” Other replies included: “Discovering someone who will enjoy making love to me as often and for as long as I do.” “Meeting a good, loyal partner,” “Locating willing and available sex partners,” “Experiencing a good screw,” “Just the need to get my rocks off,” and “I’d give it all up if there was some way I could make up for the joy of the last seven years of celibacy.”

The thing all the readers agreed about was that while celibacy may not be for everyone, it can be a learning experience that clarifies needs that were previously confused.

One person may love celibacy and decide to stick with it. “I never would renounce celibacy,” said Yuma’s Sandra. “I suggest it to many people. But if a person does it for any negative reasons, it can be really dangerous.”

Others may appreciate celibacy’s lessons about the need for all types of relationships, including the sexual. “Looking back, it was not worth it,” wrote Madison’s Teresa, whose celibate period followed two divorces. “I deprived many people I love of my time. company, and things we might have someday remembered with warmth. I learned that I would rather be fucked to death than never to have been fucked at all!”

Some forty years later, people still talk a lot about celibacy. Of course that kind of makes sense because, y’know, sex. … Still, embracing celibacy as a life choice appears to be an emerging trend overall. Reasons for that may have changed, though — although religion remains conspicuously absent in the lists of reasons we found. Basically it seems like the combinations of dating app disappointment and in big swaths of the country the inability of women to fully control their own bodies. Drilling down, so to speak, on those theories, we see that men on the dating apps are joined by (primarily) men that make the laws. Ergo, men are pigs.

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