When the editor of Penthouse approached me to write a column, I had to pinch myself. The thought of my words gracing pages of the same magazine that features Penthouse Pets was like a dream come true.
Last Laugh: A Penchant for Pets
It was an opportunity I could not pass up. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, I found out that this, my very first piece, would appear in time for Thanksgiving. How ridiculously apropos. And so, I would like to present my first Penthouse column, a “thank you” note of sorts — indeed, a love letter — by way of a list. Dedicated to all Penthouse Pets, past, present, and future, who have unknowingly served as my mentors, the following is both a product of their inspiration, and a catalog of what I am grateful for in 1999:
- Penthouse Pets wax their ass holes. Right there, you gotta respect that. For that they deserve the Purple Heart. I don’t have the guts to wax my ass hole, and neither do you. The closest I’ve ever come to waxing my ass hole is once I got it washed and styled.
- P.P.’s wear G-strings. God bless them. G-strings are flattering, sexy, stylish. But at what price? I bought G-strings in an attempt to emulate my mentors. The directions on the package simply said, “Shove it up your ass.” No thanks, but thanks. Just another example of the sacrifices P.P.’s make for us. They’re like sexy Jesuses.
- P.P.’s are sexually versed. I have only the most average sexual savvy. Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again — I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.
- P.P.’s open me up sexually. Examining the pages of Penthouse, I may not learn about the Pets’ likes and dislikes, but I’ve discovered my own. I’ve keyed onto my own naked body and found erogenous zones I never even knew I had. Surprisingly, my biggest erogenous zone? My vagina. I swear to God! I find that if someone touches me on or in the area of my vagina, I feel a sexual sensation! Which is so great, because I can be on a bus or something, and start stimulating myself, and it just looks like I’m touching my vagina.
- P.P.’s make me see my own beauty. For instance, I have a long neck. It’s sexy to have a long neck, and I have one. My neck is four inches long — and that’s when it’s flaccid.
- P.P.’s are insightful. I once read an interview with one who said that a sneeze is like a little orgasm. Can you believe that? I was like, “No way!” But when I thought about ii it’s totally true. Minus the farting, a sneeze is exactly like a little orgasm.
- I might even go as far as saying that a Penthouse pictorial saved my relationship. My mother once passed on some useful advice on giving my boyfriend occasional incentives throughout our relationship to maintain his exclusive interest. Periodic “rewards” to keep him content. That advice, combined with inspiration from the sexual positions shown in Penthouse pictorials, helped me to come up with some guaranteed ways to keep my man faithful. For instance, I’m going to let him fuck me in the ass on our 50th wedding anniversary.
So sue me — I love Penthouse Pets. I love porn actresses, for that matter. I would assume that it might be a P.P.’s dream to one day parlay her modeling career into movies. Like Cameron Diaz, Lauren Hutton, Elle Macpherson, Traci Lords, Christy Canyon, etc. I was watching a porn movie recently, as I am wont to do on sunny Sunday morning. It was a series of vignettes, and one featured Ron Jeremy, a very famous porno thespian. (I have all his action figures.) Anyway, in this scene, as Jeremy was masturbating onto a very lovely lady, I noticed he had his pinky out. And I found out why he does that — why he masturbates with his pinky out: It’s because he’s so darn classy.
And at that moment it all came together. Whether it’s the page or on the screen, porn is classy. I even like strippers (even though their butts have that metal-pole smell). Indeed, I am the luckiest columnist in the world! Thank you, porn industry. Thank you, God. And most of all, thank you Penthouse Pets.
Sarah Silverman (and the rest of us)would probably love a special anniversary issue in 2020 titled: Happy Anniversary: Celebrating 50 years of the Penthouse Pet Of The Year with each year’s winner featured.