As subscribers may have noticed, Penthouse Magazine made a content change about a year, eliminating a section we always thought fun, if not particularly edifying, per se. Then again, it had no naked women in it, so we might be in the minority with that opinion. That said, today we bid a fond online farewll — in however “brief” a fashion.
Debrief Denouement
In days of yore — an expression you need not worry about should you not recognize it — magazines featuring naked women in ranges from artistic to gynecological always seemed to drop in some random article about cars, or maybe cigars, or whatever other traditionally (for the time) “masculine” theme they could conceive. Very long story very short, there were legal reasons for this. We would love to add contemporary commentary to that practice, but as you may have noticed now in the opposite of yore, print magazines featuring sexually liberated women have almost disappeared.
The two mags remaining (ours, and if you hustle you can figure out the other one) tend to do more “fun” sorts of articles, and while our new format concentrates on lengthier, but fewer, spots, we want to begin the new year with a nod to those short but sweet — not to mention often absurd — moments in magazines past.
Debrief the Brits
Giggle Bush — A towering cannabis bush was spotted growing among the flowers in a public planter in the U.K. The folks at West Parley Parish Council in Dorset were alerted to the cheeky weed by Tray Veronica, a gardener who happened to be passing by and recognized the healthy marijuana plants flourishing among the flowers.
She said, “As I drove down New Road, I saw the planter. Being a gardener, I always notice things like that. But as I looked over, I thought, ‘Oh my God, is that what I think it is?’ … When I drove past again, I stopped to have a closer look, and yes, it’s definitely cannabis. I was laughing all the way home.”
The seemingly innocent planters were looked after by volunteers, and photos of the floral display had been featured with pride on the council’s social media accounts.
“The first ones were so big, they were towering above the bedding plants. They absolutely thrived in that planter,” said Veronica. “I just found it hilarious. The council were looking after these planters every day.”
Army of Crabs — Beaches in the U.K. have brought a new meaning to “a bit nippy” after rising sea temperatures saw thousands of spider crabs swarm the shallows, much to the horror of observers. Unlike your average crab, these big, orange crustaceans have long, spider-like legs and larger pincers.
Spider crabs typically inhabit the sandy bottom of the ocean at depths of more than 320 feet and migrate to shallower waters annually for spawning. However, marine biologists believe the climate crisis saw the army of crabs invade the shallow waters of the Cornish coastline to crack open their exoskeletons and shells before returning to the depths. This type of crab typically gathers in groups to protect themselves from predators while they wait for their new exoskeletons to fully form. The more hearty crabs surround the outer edges of the mass, protecting the crabs in the center, whose new shells have yet to thicken up, from predators.
While they’re harmless, you still might want to keep your toes out of the reach of their claws.
Full disclosure, the pretty planter with the pot plant did not actually exist in a shallow pond full of crabs, but we put it there to make a much more interesting — and on point in this case — visual. Besides, what fun are new toys if you never get to play with them?
Debrief on Wacky and/or Scary
The Brazilian Hulk Has Died — Valdir Segato, a TikTok star known as the Brazilian Hulk, died on his 55th birthday after years of injecting his muscles with oil.
The bulky bodybuilder, who had over 1.7 million followers on TikTok, had used synthol for years to pump up his enormous muscles. Synthol typically contains mostly oil with a splash of benzyl alcohol and lidocaine. It is sometimes used by bodybuilders for immediate muscle enlargement during competitions and is administered by injecting the substance deep into the muscle. But abusing synthol can turn muscles into rocks, putting the person at risk for a misshapen body or even amputation.
As a scrawny teen, Segato was offered a shot of synthol at the gym and became addicted to it. While synthol made his muscles bigger, it didn’t make him any stronger. Prior to his death, he stated his inspirations were the comic book character the Hulk and former Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“They call me Hulk, Schwarzenegger and He-Man all the time, and I like that. I’ve doubled my biceps, but I still want to be bigger,” he said in 2016.
Despites doctors warning the man he’d face amputation or disfigurement if he didn’t quit his habit, he continued to inflate his biceps to a huge 23 inches! On the day of his death, Segato complained to his mother that he was short of breath. Soon afterward, he suffered a fatal heart attack.
Outta His Mind — Anthony Loffredo is on a mission to become a “black alien,” and he’s sharing his transformation on Instagram with his 1.3 million followers.
In a bid to resemble an extraterrestrial creature, the 33-year-old from France had his entire body tattooed black—including his eyeballs—and endured a number of extreme surgical operations, including having his ears, top lip and nostrils sliced off, as well as having two fingers removed so one of his hands resembles a claw. He has also had his tongue split and had numerous implants placed under his skin to create alien-like ridges on his head and cheekbones.
Despite having already had such extreme body modifications and admitting that his top-lip removal operation left him unable to speak properly, Loffredo says he’s only halfway to achieving his final form. His next alteration will be to have his other hand turned into a matching claw, and most controversially, he plans to have one of his legs amputated at the knee. As to the whereabouts of his ears, he said, “My friend keeps them.”
We cannot be sure of the mental situations of anyone, truth be told. Thus if at some point a brain says, “Hey! We should start injecting oil into our muscles, because what could that poosibly hurt?” or “Gosh, if I looked more like Darth Maul in real life, I’d be much happier.” We will say that however odd it may seem to some us that one might wish to undergo a metamorphasis into an alien, we take a tiny bit of solace that the goal was not to achieve perhaps a more universally known alien. (This one too courtesy of the nascent AI drawing tools. Those tools might be even more scary than aliens we think.)
Debrief on Genuinely Curious
Hiss-terical — As if snakes aren’t terrifying enough, a man made hiss-tory after building a contraption that gives snakes their legs back.
Engineer and YouTuber Allen Pan claimed his experiment was driven by a genuine empathy for the slithering suckers.
“I actually feel bad for snakes. They lost their legs, and nobody is even trying to find them,” he said. “Nobody except for me, snake lover Allen Pan.”
While we understand snakes used to have legs when they roamed the Earth around 150 million years ago, the reptiles have quite comfortably evolved to live without them. However, the snake lover was determined to return danger noodles to their former glory.
“When any other animal has deformed legs, humanity comes together to spit in God’s face, and we build that animal awesome new cyborg legs,” Pan explained. “Nobody loves snakes enough to build them robot legs. Nobody except for me.”
In order to bring his robotic creation to life, the YouTuber first got his hands on a snake. “I found a pet store that does reptile birthday parties for $200, and I told them it was my birthday,” Pan said.
Anti-Piracy Ads Encouraged People to Pirate Films — Remember those infamous “you wouldn’t steal a car” anti-piracy ads that played on every DVD you watched throughout the aughts? Remember how annoying and overly dramatic they were? Well, it turns out they weren’t only totally ineffective. They actually might have encouraged piracy!
A recent study discovered this ad, and other anti-piracy messages, might have convinced people to illegally download movies, TV shows and music. Researchers found the campaigns actually alerted people to the fact that swiping content was possible—and made it seem many others were already doing it.
The study also found using well known movie stars in such ads appeared to encourage piracy.
The study’s authors wrote: “For instance, Indian anti-piracy videos in 2018 concluded with the slogan ‘Illegal downloading or streaming movies is stealing!! Stealing is against the law.’ All videos starred well-known actors, whose net worth is estimated to be $22 to $400 million dollars, in a country where the annual per capita income is a bit less than $2,000.
“This can offer pirates a moral justification: They only steal from the rich to ‘feed the poor,’ a form of ‘Robin Hood effect’ that makes even more sense with some cultural or sport-related goods.”
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any stranger, the music that played in the “you wouldn’t steal a car” anti-piracy ad was actually pirated itself from Dutch musician Melchior Reitveldt!
Reptile birthday parties are a thing? Really? … Maybe it would be easier to just stop trying to tell people what not to do, because we’re all five years old at heart and devolve into that “You’re not the Boss of Me” mentality that gives rise to political movements of all sorts. How old do you have to be in order to understand forbidding something very often has the exact opposite result in practice? … Maybe instead we should compile a list of things that are not things. That one should end up small enough to memorize.
Debrief on Human Sexuality (with No Judgement)
Scratch & Sniff — A bizarre TikTok trend called “vabbing” claims the secret to attracting a man is wearing natural vaginal secretions as perfume, suggesting maybe it really is what’s on the inside that counts.
In a now-viral video, influencer Mandy Lee claims women who “vab” are more likely to attract a man.
For the uninitiated, vabbing is a combination of the words “vagina” and “dabbing” and refers to the act of a woman dipping her finger into her vagina before dabbing her own juices on areas she might wear perfume—like her neck, chest or wrists.
“I swear if you vab, you will attract people, like a date, a one-night stand or you’ll just get free drinks all night,” she said in the video, which now has over 1.5 million views. While some women are jumping on the vabbing trend and claim to have found success, there isn’t a whole lot of science that supports vabbing.
Dr. Karenne Fru, a fertility specialist at Oma Fertility, said, “Vabbing underscores the fact that humans are always in search of the next best thing to secure romantic attention. “Perfume of your choice, lightly applied, is a much more hygienic option.”
Maybe the doctor has never had sex. One theory would be that when it comes to the search for that particular act, “hygiene” may not be at the forefront of people’s minds. There has been some science surrounding pheromones, right?
Sex Doll Day Spa — Is your sex doll looking a little worse for wear? Now you can treat your worn-out love doll to a day at the spa.
Galmato Haven Repair is the world’s first certified repair center for pre-loved RealDolls, who need a little—or a lot—of patching up. While she won’t receive a full body massage or a facial—they’ll leave that to you—silicone companions sent to Galmato Haven will undergo a full restoration. That includes minor and major injury repairs, like broken limbs, and cosmetic fixes like French manicures and pedicures, and body coloration restoration. Their refurb process promises your doll will be returned to you freshly powdered and fully rejuvenated.
“After a day, or days, of head-to-toe repair, retouch and pampering, she’ll come back home to you looking like the first day she arrived,” the company’s website states. “Now you can enjoy a full life with your doll, knowing that when accidents happen Galmato Haven is here for you to return her home like new every time.”
For the record, the above picture was not in fact generated by AI, but it actually represents an actual “doll” that you can purchase for your very own. At this point, you can in fact set up a Spa Package — for real. We have no idea whether the cost represents the value, but should you ever find out on your own, we’d love to hear from you. Penthouse may not have Debrief anymore, but the atypical in life remains a fascination for us. … No matter what literary track Penthouse Publishing may pursue in the future, as anyone who has ever watched a potential lover undress can confirm, sometimes you can tell a lot from de briefs. Subscribe and you’ll see.
