Have you ever found it odd that if you denude something, you actually strip it bare — or, y’know, make it nude?

Denuded Debriefs

Penthouse runs a really fun little section with a bunch of bizarre very short stories that essentially seek to point out the rampant weirdness in the world. Even given our general disdain for printed pages — which denude the forest, technically — we have to admit that Publishing does a really good job with this. Of course, how hard can it be to find weirdness in the world? On the upside, that beats the heck out of finding rampant evil or unbridled stupidity. Just turn on the news. You’ll see.

Stuck in the Middle … Denuded

A naked woman was rescued after she got stuck upside down between two buildings in Santa Ana, Calif.—in a space no more than a foot wide! The woman was found after employees at a nearby auto body shop heard someone yelling for help.

“We called the cops, and the cops came in and got on the roof and looked between the two walls, and she’s all naked,” one of the workers said. “She was in pain. She was screaming in pain. She was upside down, too.”

It took firefighters two hours to complete the rescue, which involved carefully cutting through one of the concrete walls she was wedged between. It’s still unclear how the woman got herself into that predicament.

(Yeah, being upside down was the strange part? … The first thing you asked once you got her free was, “So, um, why were you upside down?” … Men with power tools video.)

Denuded Bubble Vessel Rolled AshoreFlorida Man Washes up in Bubble Vessel on the Beach (Denuded State Unknown)

A Florida man washed up in a floating bubble watercraft on the beach near Miami after attempting to run a long-distance race on water.

Iranian-born athlete Reza Baluchi, 49, was attempting to use his hydro pod, which is essentially an inflatable hamster wheel, to run from Florida to New York in the name of charity. Baluchi was less than a day into his journey when his vessel experienced some technical difficulties and he headed ashore.

This wasn’t the first time the ultramarathon runner attempted to walk on water. Baluchi and his hydro pod were rescued off the coast of St. Augustine in 2014, and again in 2016.

“I will show people anything you want to do, do it. Don’t listen to anyone. Chase your dreams,” he said. “I’ll never give up my dream. They stop me four or five times, but I never give up.”

(No word on whether the man himself was denuded, but it could be that part of his brain was missing some layers. … A lot of people covered this story, but you just have to love a site called MotorBiscuit. … Our confusion continues.)

Denuded Hermit Crabs Conceptual ArtHermit Crabs Sexually Excited by Plastic Pollution (but not denuded)

Sea pollution is a global crisis, with more than a million marine animals killed by the 8 million tons of plastic waste dumped in our oceans every year. So why is all that trash making hermit crabs so ecstatic?

In a study from across the pond at England’s University of Hull, a team of scientists found plastic waste dumped in the sea leaks the organic compound oleamide, which increases the heart rate and hyperactivity of hermit crabs, eliciting a response in the crustaceans that’s similar to sexual excitement.

“Our study shows that oleamide attracts hermit crabs,” Ph.D. candidate Paula Schirrmacher said. “This research demonstrates that additive leaching may play a significant role in the attraction of marine life to plastic.”

Hermit crabs are scavengers of the sea, who find their food by following the scent of the chemical oleic acid, which is released from decaying corpses. The naturally occurring fatty acid smells so similarly to oleamide that research suggests it’s acting as a false feeding cue and causing excitable crabs to mistake marine plastic waste as food. Think of the hyperactive crabs next time you toss a piece of plastic.

(Right. Besides, most of us think that having sex should not involve getting crabs. … That said, if you have ever wanted to know the sex of any specific hermit crab, we can help with that.)

Denuded Sperm Conceptual ArtChina Offers Award for ‘Most Beautiful’ Sperm (by definition denuded)

A sperm bank in Shanghai kicked off a 45-day competition among university students to find out who has the strongest—and “most beautiful”—sperm.

The Shanghai Human Sperm Bank invited university students in China to get an anonymous free sperm checkup to determine who has the highest concentration of swimmers. The organizers said the contest was created in response to declining sperm quality and rising male infertility, with only 25 to 30 percent of donations at the bank being viable. While the bank is calling for sperm, it isn’t collecting the entries. Instead, the bank is holding the competition to raise awareness among students about men’s reproductive health.

The [denuded] entrants will compete in each of these categories: most viable sperm, highest concentration of sperm and, strangely enough, “most beautiful” sperm. (With a side of Mayo.)

Donors who exhibit a concentration of more than 60 million per milliliter of ejaculate will be invited to donate. This isn’t the first time China has suffered a sperm shortage. Earlier this year, the Zhejiang Human Sperm Bank in Hangzhou issued a social media callout offering cash for donations. The post said: “We offer you 5,000 yuan [$760], just to find the best batch in the city. What are you waiting for?”

(We have specifically avoided any mention of possible names we could give for individuals who might be able to collect the MOST, if not necessarily the BEST, batches around here in one night — because we’re all sensitive and sophisticated like that. … We will tell you that in order to pick these four entries for your edification, we had to pass on “Man Crowned One of the World’s Dullest Dudes“ as well as “Woman Sets World Record for Running on All Fours.” … You might want to subscribe just so you never miss captivating moments like that ever again. As we understand it, there are other things of potential interest in the magazines too.)

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