“I am not a licensed therapist, guru, or magic relationship mender. This is sex and love advice from a guy who has seen both failure and success in the relationship department. I am a little jaded, a little disillusioned, a little sarcastic, yet very honest. Answers may be sincere, absurd, comical, or sometimes flat-out wrong. You’ll have to consider the source, I suppose.”
Nothing’s Shocking
[For a short time, Penthouse Magazine had Dave Navarro as a pseudo advice columnist and a full-time entertaining one. With the “extra Thursday” in December this year, we decided to give you a peek at January a little early so that we could share one of these columns with you. Musicians tend to be a fun lot. We’ll say that for them. -Ed.]
Dave Navarro on Dating
How much time do you invest in courting a woman if she’s not giving you what you want?
Time? Courting? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I assume that sex is “what I want” in this question, so I will answer accordingly. Rarely does a woman consider that some men “want” compassion, support, understanding, partnership, and a deeply profound emotional connection. I don’t want any of those things, so you came to the right guy!
How much time? That depends on the woman. If she is interesting and smart and funny enough, I can hang in there a long time without sex. Of course, there are plenty of ways to satisfy each other that aren’t straight sex. She’d have to throw in some of those from time to time. But overall, personality goes a long way. I’m just not into walking the line that could land me in the “big-brother” category. Sometimes a man hangs in too long with the girl of his dreams and ends up becoming a shoulder to cry on when another guy upsets her. I’m reeeally not into that. I guess it comes down to how much time we’ve spent together, rather than days on a calendar. My generic answer would be three to five dates. (I’m speculating here, as I have never waited that long.) The real key is to have a light conversation on the subject when the two of you are comfortable with it. Share your views on the matter, and each of you can make an informed decision.
Dave Navarro on Intimacy
I had a bad childhood, with a lot of abuse on every level: verbal, emotional, sexual, a lot of violence and chaos, and no intimacy from either parent. I was neglected and had to care for myself as far back as I can remember. I’m 36 now and wondering why, when someone is totally into me, I get irritated, tear them apart, and find a reason to dump them. When it’s over, I want the pain. I crave the man who is not interested; if he hates me, it’s like grounds for marriage. It’s painful, and I’m not sure I will ever be able to receive love. I’ve tried Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and therapy. What do you think?
You kind of answered your own question. Your “teachers” were clearly ill equipped to provide you with healthy relationship skills and tools for achieving true intimacy. Chaos is familiar to you, and when you find yourself in the absence of it, you become uncomfortable, like a fish out of water, gasping for oxygenated replenishment. Your solution is to re-create what you are skilled at: handling the pain and anguish of your childhood. You dump the man, creating the longing for the love that you wanted all along from your parents. This is fairly common, and you are certainly not alone. (Trust me, I know. I’m usually only attracted to women like you!) It’s time to take your life back and break free of the familial grip. This isn’t easy, as you will be required to step into areas of discomfort and tread water for a while without having a knee-jerk reaction. Just watch your thoughts and feelings as they go by, but do not respond to them. Your mind will want to trick you into running away, but stay the course. Recognition of this type of syndrome is the only first step. It’s a long road ahead, but with therapy and self-help groups, the cycle can be broken.
Dave Navarro on Cowardice
Why do so many guys break up over the phone? It seems really disrespectful and uncaring, and pretty tactless.
I happen to be a break-up-over-the-phone guy myself. (I know I’ll get shit for that, but it’s true.) For me, if I’m at a place where I know I’m no longer interested in pursuing a relationship, I make it known as soon as I can. But I’m talking about relationships that are months long, not marriages or when a couple lives together. The reason I opt for a phone call is simple: I don’t want to throw out false hope and have a breakup meeting be mistaken for a date or an attempt at reconciliation. If I ask to get together knowing I want to end things, I don’t think it’s fair to make plans, have her get ready, and meet somewhere simply so she can listen to the reasons why I wish to end things. What then? We walk away and drive home? That just sounds awful.
Many people say, “It should be face-to-face, blah, blah, blah.” Why? If you don’t want to see someone, isn’t seeing them to break up counter-productive? I’d rather a woman break up with me over the phone. I’m not interested in taking time out of my day only to be told, “By the way, that hour you spent getting ready to come here? That was for nothing, because I never want to see you again.”
The fact is, it sucks to hear your partner isn’t interested anymore. Don’t cling to how horrible he is for breaking up that way. That just lets you avoid looking at your own actions. The better bet is to accept it’s over and try to learn what changes, if any, you need to make in your own life. If your side is clean, it’s his loss.
P.S.: An in-person breakup can include an emotional tidal wave that the “ender” isn’t really interested in dealing with. I know it sounds cold, but once they’re out, they’re out. Why would they want to sit through tears and drama and character assassinations? Usually after such an onslaught of baggage, the “ender” walks away thinking, Thank God I did that! If that was a preview of the next ten years, I just dodged a major bullet. The “endee” should turn to friends for support. Leave the “ender” wondering if he or she did the right thing. Don’t validate their deepest fears by making them sit through the agony of watching a breakdown.
Dave Navarro on the Y Chromosome
Why do men complain that they don’t get enough sex, then when they find someone who wants it all the time, they don’t want it as much?
Ha! There are probably many variables at work in this scenario. Let me focus on one. Most men need a little chase. We tend to love the idea that our women “give in” to us and our sexual prowess. Call it ego, but it’s true. When the dynamic turns from getting to have sex to having to have sex, it can be a turnoff. I’m not saying this isn’t true for women; you just happened to ask about men.
This is an awful comparison, but allow me to demonstrate. You know how when you get a new car, you take pride in every aspect of being the owner? You take it to the car wash, fill it up regularly at the gas station — and even do the windows, too — worry about where you park, etc. Eventually, a day comes where you’re like, “Fuck! I’m out of gas! I have to fill up!” Wait. Never mind. That is a terrible metaphor — and a little too revealing of the mind of this writer. Let’s start over. If you lived in a small town and there was only one restaurant, wouldn’t you get bored of the same old-damn! Again, scratch that.
Sometimes a little withholding can be a healthy way to keep things fresh. You can suggest mutual masturbation as an option, keeping the heat alive and mixing things up. But as soon as a man or woman feels like he or she has to “service” a partner, regardless of how he or she feels, resentment can crop up. Resentment, in the absence of cheating or deceit, is the No. l killer of a committed relationship.
Why is it that if a man has a lot of sex partners he’s considered a real man, and if a woman does she’s considered a ho?
I don’t know how true this is anymore. The playing field seems to be leveling out. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked out a woman only to hear, “I’ve heard about you! You’re a total whore!” (Still, I make it work for me.) The point is, this age-old double standard is becoming a little less unfair to women.
I think the double standard stems from male insecurity. Men want to be the hunters, the cocks of the walk. They’re used to the old way of thinking: The woman is the caretaker, the keeper of the home. If she becomes more “outgoing,” they think there must be something wrong with her. Even worse, they think there must be something wrong with themselves. It can be crushing to the male ego to think that women have the same needs as men; to know that women think up just as many dirty visuals and fantasize about other lovers as often as men do; to imagine that, in bed, she may be thinking about being with one of your friends.
(Sorry, guys, it happens.)
In addition, there’s a whole physical issue at play here. The man’s genitals are on the outside and the woman’s are on the inside. On some unconscious level, men imagine that a woman allowing someone to “enter” her body is more intimate and sacred than simply entering the body of a partner. That can fuck up a guy’s head if he isn’t careful.
Sure, there are those who say that men have millions of sperm trying to escape and fertilize women, while women have but one egg waiting for fertilization, giving men some physiological right to be more promiscuous. I say that people are people and they are going to do, think, and act the way they want. This being the case, let’s just do away with the labels.
Of course we could not do a recap of the Dave Navarro advice without a throwing a little love at Dave Navarro history. A little Addiction never hurt Jane any.]
