Penthouse has long had a “Weird History” section that shows up with some regularity, but if you think about it, as soon as something happens it becomes by definition history. Consequently, we decided to focus more upon the “weird” part of this analysis.

Weird Life … in History

Romeo & Ghouliet

A woman who claimed to be dating a ghost named Edwardo has hit a dead end in the relationship after claiming her ghost lover has ghosted her.

The eccentric 38-year-old singer-songwriter from England, who performs under the name Brocarde — real name Alayna Salter — said her spooky soul mate gave her the cold shoulder after she was transparent with the media about her relationship with the deceased Victorian soldier, who allegedly died at age 35 after falling down a well during a storm.

“I truly feel like I’m being ghosted by a ghost,” Brocarde mourned.

“Edwardo seems furious with me since I’ve gone public with our romance — he’s gone completely cold. Usually his presence surrounds me with a warmth, but now a cold breeze follows me around the house.

“There’s an unsettling vibe everywhere. It feels like death. Or maybe I’m just dead to him.”

Maybe ghouls just wanna have fun?The lovesick lass said that despite the fact that Edwardo has frozen her out of his afterlife, she is keen to rekindle their relationship.

“I’m going to light a hundred candles and scatter rose petals. I may even cook him some typical Victorian dishes to win back his heart — maybe some sheep’s trotters or a boiled calf’s head, if I can find that in my local supermarket.” That’s the spirit.

For the record, we did not think of the “gouls just wanna have fun” line, but we applaud it heartily. As for dating a ghost, if nothing else, it should make it pretty easy to break up as you’d really just need to invite a live person over and spend the evening saying “neener-neener” every time you found yourself alone. … Weird life. … Speaking of mating rituals…

Giant Sex-Crazed Spiders Invade the U.K.

Weird Life Living with SpidersSpider mating season in the U.K. always arrives as great news for arachnids and nightmare fuel for literally everybody else.

During autumn — the start of spider copulation season in the region — giant sex-crazed spiders, described as being “as big as a hand” and with “biting fangs,” invade homes across the land in search of a shag.

While female spiders are typically homebodies, happy to chill out in their own webs, horny males tend to frequently wander and actively seek out steamy spider sex.

Despite being creepy to look at, house spiders are said to generally only attack if they feel threatened, so experts say it’s best to leave the horny beasts to their amorous pursuits in peace.

Honestly this kind of advice could apply to basically any mating ritual anywhere with any species of living animals or insects. You really do not want to get in the way of either sex pursuing a path lit by a pheromone trail. A person could lose something important to them that way. Say, for example, this next woman considers you an impediment to reaching the object of her ardor… Weird life. …

Woman Turns Heads after Towing Van with Her Hair

Weird Life with HairA woman in London swapped follicles for fuel and pulled her van to the nearest gas station by using her hair as a tow rope.

Using a specially constructed harness that connected her waist-length hair to her nearly 9,000-pound van’s front bumper, Anastasia Sawicka,

a 34-year-old circus performer, turned heads as she hauled her van headfirst down a busy central London street in front of alarmed pedestrians.

However, this type of hair-raising stunt isn’t new for the former Britain’s Got Talent finalist, who makes her living as a “hair-hanging aerialist.” Sawicka, who lives with her professional sword-swallowing husband, Hannibal Hellmurto,

said when she’s on the road, she abides by a strict hair regime that includes conditioning her tresses five times a day.

The painful and highly specialized art of hair-hanging is thought to have originated in China and involves securing the hair to a metal ring before hanging from it and performing other acrobatic feats.

Seriously? This must be a fun couple to have over for dinner. If distraught, she could simply whip you with her hair, and he could whip out one of those swords he carries around. You should ask them what kind of wine they like before the invitation it seems like to us. And speaking of dinner (amidst a Weird Life)…

One Way to Eat Your Words

Weird X-RayCoins, batteries, buttons — humans end up in the hospital every day for swallowing things they shouldn’t. But one man in Egypt took things a step further after he fronted up to a hospital with severe stomach pains and was found to have a mobile phone in his belly.

Doctors at Aswan University Hospital in Upper Egypt were shocked to see X-rays revealed a mobile phone wedged within the man’s stomach.

The man confessed to doctors he had actually swallowed the phone six months earlier but was too embarrassed to tell anyone and hoped he could just pass it naturally. Spoiler: He didn’t.

Although we’re desperate to hear the details, no one knows what turn of events saw the man swallow his own phone, but after having the device surgically removed, he is expected to make a full recovery.

Even more bizarre, last year a 33-year-old guy from Kosovo found himself in a similar situation after managing to swallow an entire old school Nokia phone. No doubt the Nokia battery was still going strong after it was removed.

Oh, c’mon. This one’s easy. Girlfriend wanted to see the boy’s phone. Boy thinks, “I bet I could just swallow this.” … Never fail to factor in the male self-preservation instinct, particularly when he’s trying to maintain access to another person’s parts he rather enjoys. People have been living this weird life a very long time, despite what every single young person ever has thought.

Granny’s Got the Goods

Frost-Ade from a Vintage Weird LifeWe generally think of our grandparents as wholesome, but one woman is seeing her granny in a new light after finding her deluxe cocaine-snorting kit from the ‘70s!

The woman was cleaning out her grandma’s belongings when she found the world’s best family heirloom: a smart leather pouch containing drug paraphernalia.

Her friend took to social media to share a picture of the discovery, which people were quick to point out was a vintage Frost-Ade kit, designed for “truly exquisite snorting,” according to the manufacturer’s advertisements from back in the day.

The kit included a slice of polished stone for racking up, a razor blade for chopping lines, a straw for sniffing, a stash pocket for the illegal powder and a little spoon — all housed in a handy suede pouch.

Grandma certainly knew how to party.

One should always remember that odds would be very good that whatever weird, kinky, totally bizarre sexual things happen to run through your mind, they almost certainly ran through your parents and grandparents at your age too. How do you think they got to be parents and grandparents in the first place? … We will admit that knowing this does not make it less oogey to think about, however. … To distract you, we suggest understanding that people were chewing Coca plants even in 3,000 B.C. We are neither encouraging nor justifying here, mind you, simply stating that people like to have their minds altered as a rule. … Considering recent judicial events, though, rather than reading about the history of cocaine, maybe grab some knowledge on the more important things that “grandma” had to deal with just because she happened to be female. Weird life INDEED. … We should not let this happen again, folks.

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