Some people deserve to be caught.
Big Bowl of Stupid
I’ve smuggled drugs twice. I’m not proud of it. The first time was by accident (see our April issue), but the second was totally on purpose. I was being stupid, ballsy, but most of all I was broke, so I put my stash inside a condom, cut off the string of a loose tampon that was floating around in my purse, tied the string to the drug-filled condom, and shoved it up my pussy.
The driver of the car I was in was pissed. He screamed at me like Judge Judy as we pulled up to the U.S. Customs and Border inspection. This infamous checkpoint sits near the tiny town of Sierra Blanca, about 90 miles southeast of El Paso, Texas. Unless you’d driven through it before, you would have no idea it was even there. That’s how they get you. Here, the agents are looking for two things: illegal immigrants and drugs. I had a vagina full of the latter. Stupid, right?
Federal officers armed with German shepherds and M4 carbines circled our vehicle like sharks. They scanned our passports, eyeing us up and down. I sat in the back while our driver did all the talking. He fumbled for his passport. After a few quick questions, they gave us back our documents and wished us a pleasant drive. We blazed on through to freedom. I waited until we’d driven so far that the border guards appeared bite-size before I pulled out the condom.
What would I have done had I been caught? I would have been arrested like the other harmless, low-dose smugglers and probably died of embarrassment in my holding cell. But I wasn’t caught. I got lucky. Unfortunately for these other idiots, they didn’t have a horseshoe up their ass like I did.
THE STUPID SNAPCHAT DOPE DEALER
While most college students use their Snapchat accounts to morph their faces into bunnies, Jahmir Z. Mapp was using his to peddle drugs to his classmates. The 18-year-old attended East Stroudsburg University in eastern Pennsylvania, and was the school’s main supplier of pot, cocaine, and Xanax — all the necessary supplies required to complete your degree.
Apparently, the school had noticed a spike in marijuana and drug activity on campus and asked for help from the big boys. Soon, the Monroe County Drug Task Force and East Stroudsburg University Police got involved.
After trolling around campus, the authorities soon figured out that Mapp was their man. When the cops obtained a warrant, they searched his dorm room and found two dime bags and other packages of weed, all wrapped in a washcloth and dryer sheets and stashed under the bed. Everything was marked for sale.
Once Mapp was in custody, police scrolled through his phone and confirmed he was selling more than just pot. He admitted to the blow and Xanax, and that he sold about a dozen one-gram dime bags per day.
Isn’t social media supposed to elevate your image, not land you on probation? Poor Mapp. He was just getting started.
LISETTE LEE — COTORTIONIST OF STUPID
Everyone knows people in Los Angeles are full of shit. And if most of L.A. is just slightly bending reality, then Lisette Lee has pretzeled lies to sustain her life.
This twenty-something Korean-American self-proclaimed “socialite” spouted nothing but bullshit: She told people she was the heiress to the Samsung fortune, a pop star in Korea, she’d modeled for Vogue (only in Europe, of course), and had dated Leonardo DiCaprio and Channing Tatum. She let it be known she was rich as fuck. She said her parents were elusive billionaires who left her with a Mercedes, a penthouse apartment, and endless cash. Lee also told anyone who’d listen that she grew up in the one-percent club of Beverly Hills, where she attended private school with the likes of Paris Hilton and, as Lee said, “that fat Armenian” Kim Kardashian.
Of course it was all complete crap. Lee’s entire existence was fake. None of this garbage talk made her famous. She got her star moment when she was busted for trafficking weed in June of 2010.
After befriending, and beginning to sleep with, an aspiring young drug dealer named David Garrett, Lee became intrigued by the money Garrett knew he could make trafficking cannabis from California to Ohio. Problem was, he had no way to get the pot there. Lee had a solution: hire a charter jet.
For months, Lee and six coconspirators hauled almost 7,000 pounds of pot from the Van Nuys Airport to Columbus, Ohio. The plane reeked of weed, and, again, like all novice drug dealers, they quelled the problem with dryer sheets and Febreze. Everything went according to plan until Lee’s own lies cost her the operation. She got sloppy and accidentally told the same Van Nuys Airport employee three different times that she was moving to Columbus.
On the sixth trip, the DEA was waiting when Lee’s plane landed in Columbus. Apparently, it was quite the scene with Lee protesting in handcuffs, “But what will I wear in jail?” The cops seized 500 pounds of shrink-wrapped weed, as well as the contents of Lee’s designer purse: a scribbled drug ledger tallying up $300,000 worth of goods, three cellphones, $6,500 in cash, and a little bag of cocaine (for good measure).
Lee was sent to prison (which she lovingly referred to as “a low-end boarding school”) and swore that her comeback would be bigger and badder than ever. “I am utilizing this ‘vacation’ at the government resort as a learning experience and polishing up my tennis and yoga,” she told Rolling Stone. “I’m truly loving it.”
Clearly, she learned her lesson.
THE STUPID MOROCCANS WHO UNLOADED ONTO A SPANISH BEACH
Back in June of 2015, a bunch of Moroccan men took the phrase “hiding in plain sight” to the next level when they unloaded 3,306 pounds of cannabis resin onto a densely populated Spanish beach.
At around 6 P.M. on a Friday, a mysterious black boat pulled up to the shore of El Burgo in La Linea, which is at the southern tip of Gibraltar, only nine miles across from Morocco. This makes Gibraltar a drug hub for cannabis coming from Morocco, as well as cocaine, which is trafficked all the way from South Africa.
As the men, some in wet suits, unloaded suitcase after suitcase onto the sand, tourists working on their goldens perked up and gaped. One guy whipped out his smartphone and started filming.
Okay, so maybe these guys got away with it—for now. But it was such a bold, cool move, kind of like the way Ricky from Trailer Park Boys would just walk into a hardware store, pick up what he wanted to steal (usually something massive like a shed, or lawn furniture), and, if questioned, he’d make up some story about being part of a maintenance crew or an off-duty mall cop.
When someone does something so unusual right out in the open, people assume it must be protocol. Why else would such insanity be tolerated?
Sadly we do not get to hear the end of the Spanish beach story, what with space limitations reigning supreme in print publications and all. That said, Mish billed herself as “the smartest dumb blonde ever … [who] also fronts the band White Lung, loves bacon, and TYPING IN ALL CAPS.” Obviously the rest of the story was not important. … By this point, of course, we have learned that “stupid is as stupid does” so we can all live our lives via Forrest Gump quotes and be happy, even as we mourn the death of its author. … Now Mish did not die, but since she has moved on from Penthouse, we can confess that there are those of us that miss her wit, irreverence, and unique view of the world. Besides, being the smartest dumb blonde left in the building carries a lot of pressure.
